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29th
Esther, aka Princess, Avenging Angel, Geography Girl, and DARKSLAVE, is a 17 year old student councillor in her second year at HCJC. She loves God, literature, music and art, and values 'truth, beauty, freedom, love'. A balanced perfectionist, she abhors irregularity and imperfection. Paranoia and depression are two main problems. Her family, friends, and tears help keep her emotions in check. Esther can be e-mailed or contacted via MSN (literature1999@hotmail.com) and ICQ (135922618).
one vision one future
4As for Block Test 2 1st class honours for English and Geography (5 years) Get married Michael Card cds! Charlotte Church's compilation album Solid orange plastic scrunchie Michael Card sheet music Find cd holder Other things for Aishu Reply Peishan's letter Reply Nat's letter Reply mortal's letter
Geog: Essay (27/5)
Give Mrs. Ang new minutes (quick!)
exco | ecaco | pubco | snr | welco
td | maf | oh | prom | o1 | cny | eleco
(b) I have linked without asking permission. Please contact me if you would like your site unlinked. Sorry for the inconvenience. (c) Bird and other scenery taken from This is Lancashire. Picture of friends taken from a source now forgotten. If you are its owner, please contact me if you would like credit. Images were edited usng Jasc Paint Shop Pro 6.
morning briefing | work session
ecaco session | evaluation
gm | formal | informal
*i won't forgetJamie Sullivan
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Autumn Song
Looking around,
Give me a sky where birds are soaring,
Many times in life,
Isn't it worthwhile
~29th council song
1. Slam Dunk (English Version) Books 1-9 (It's not about whether I can afford it or am willing to spend the money. It's whether it's a worthy investment since I only read each book once and I don't exactly have space in my room, nor much free time for that matter.)
2. To watch Matrix2 and Xmen2 soon.
3. To read all my library books.
4. To have the courage to finish writing my macrosonnet for council and post it up with a personal message without feeling inferior/scared that the 29th will hate me for destroying their memories.
5. To be happy. Really. To stop feeling this lingering feeling of sadness and depression.
6. And most importantly, for one evening. Just ONE evening. Where time will stand still. Where we will put aside everything that weighs our hearts down for just one evening and enjoy each other's company. Where I will appreciate the beauty of the night sky without watching the stars cry. Where you will hold me tight and kiss me and love me, and where I will sit in the silence of the night and the beating of your heart. Where we will drown in the music of the fountain of
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:29 p.m.
I feel quite insulted by this last result.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:59 p.m.
After blowing my nose in the middle of the night, I felt a fast liquid flow from my nose and knew instinctively that it was blood. Groped around for the hankerchief while trying to prevent the blood from flowing in vain. Finally managed to find the hanky and wiped my nose. Darkened plush. In the dim light of the darkness I could see and smell the blood on my fingers. Went to the toilet, saw myself in all my horror, found no toilet paper and opened a new packet of tissue paper and pressed a piece of tissue to my nose. My hanky was spotted with bright red. Threw it into the pail and washed off the streaks of blood on my face. There was a few drops of blood in a vertical line on my shirt falling directly on where my heart would have been. 6+ in the morning. Felt awfully sick with flu. Went back to sleep.
Woke up later and hurt myself as usual. I imagine crushed ovaries.
Got up and changed out of my pyjamas. Today's choice of clothes is a pure white v-neck, no patterns, no prints. A simple pair of soft black long pants. I like my choice of clothes. It reflects my mood.
I'm fat. I have been feeling this way for a while. Yesterday, when I looked myself in the school mirror, yesterday when I sat down on the seats. I'm ugly and fat.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:36 a.m.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:55 p.m.
It is hard to live. And right at this moment, while I leave my emotional details hidden within the secrets of my heart, I don the cloak of ignorance, for ignorance is bliss. Perhaps if any critic were to launch a personal warhead at me, I will not be affected. I will not care. I will not respond.
I have retreated from the world, from the crowds. I stood alone, isolated, detached from the mingling of happy faces. When one is alone, one is perhaps under the least pressure. Under a sane frame of mind, at least one would not kill herself, would not cut her wrist. One can cry in silence or dream sad dreams and think sad thoughts. When one is with others, one is under the burden to share and to suitably entertain one's company. If there were any friend I'd seek, I would just want one to sit down with me and watch me cry, and comfort me, not with words, but with simple actions. I want not to feel the pressure of time's passing. I want time to stop for me. I want not a word spoken. Words cut too deep.
I have let myself be cut again and again, every day. Words cut. Actions cut.
My wants will not be satisfied and no friend is to be found. May God comfort my soul while I cry myself to sleep. Perhaps if no real friend is to be found, I would rather be left alone for a season.
Congratulations if you have noticed that my blog entries have been devoid of emotion save slight hints of sadness. If you didn't notice, I didn't expect you to anyway. I usually think my hints are quite obvious, but apparently they are not to everyone. I am not everyone, I do not know how to live.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:29 p.m.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:05 p.m.
02A11 and A12 went to support the bowling finals today. Valerie Teo from RJC is good. In her first 11 bowls, she scored 9 strikes and 2 '9/'s (I keep forgetting what this is called). Later she deteriorated a little bit but still managed to score strikes, '9/'s and '8/'s. The HC teams weren't too bad too. I knew 2 people from the bowling teams, Eileen and Xunyu. Some supporters were quite unhappy that we had to return to school for our 1250 Lit lecture without staying until the end of the game and the prize presentation.
Handed up my Lit file this morning. Didn't read the notes. Lazy. But got a B. Must thank Ailin 'cos she gave me tips on how to file e.g. find my own way of organising my notes, make sure there are no doodles (there weren't anyway, I'm quite amazed at myself), and preferably put dividers to make things clearer.
Did Geog presentation preparation work this morning and didn't do tutorial too. Lazy. Found quite a lot of info on the net and read it on the bus and a little bit at the bowling centre. Didn't get to present in the end, but at least my group managed to come up with a presentation framework based on the findings we had gathered (e.g. who to present what and in what order). Tutorials weren't discussed. We spent about 50 minutes doing the Mexico case study and the rest of the lesson touching on the Sao Paulo (my group) one. My teacher is brilliant, a great wealth of information ready at hand.
Was really tired but somehow going online has made me feel slightly better. Think it's a form of chilling out? Got to go get dinner for DW and me and (perhaps) a rose for Raining if I have time. My mei's performing tonight for the ELDDFS Drama Production and DW and I are watching. Actually mum suggested going out for dinner today 'cos there would be a NBC (Neighbourhood Bible Community) meeting tomorrow but she only told me yesterday and the tickets have already been bought.
I'm sick and I can't find my medicine. I only took one dose. My cough is returning (I didn't even have cough on Mon when I was sick) and I've been coughing to the point of vomiting. My head is not well. Sometimes I feel like I have a fever but I don't think so. I didn't run my 2.4km NAPFA test yesterday 'cos my foot's been hurting. It's not an ache, it's more a pain like your hand feels when it's written 20 pages of writing, and when I touch my foot there's this tender spot which hurts. I had to stand for hours during bowling today but thankfully later I managed to get seating at intervals and eventually stopped supporting the match and started ranting in my notebook. My note book's been a very good source of ranting. I say a lot of things there that I don't post on this blog.
I hope to go out with Xin Yi tomorrow afternoon for a "Girls Only" best friend outing.
I also hope to get some online work and homework accomplished.
I have finished my photo order forms more or less. Just need to clarify a few things with com members. The minutes have been signed by Mrs. Ang. I only need Yexiang to browse through them and sign them before they can be finally completed. I will pass all the minutes I have (i.e. those of my term and those of the ex-PubCo secretary/treasurers before me) to Minyee soon. My CNY stuff are overdue too. Need to get those sorted out and passed to Sharon to file for passing down.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 03:55 p.m.
My Lit file is packed, with dividers. Now I need to put a plain cover page and divider pages and read my notes.
Btw I failed my Maths lecture test. 13/40. Came as a bit of a shock 'cos I actually thought I'd do well. Felt really bad 'cos Mr. Yeow had given me an OCP off council to study for the test and I did but somehow it didn't reflect in the test. Hated myself 'cos a) I'm stupid, b) I'm stupid and I don't try enough, c) I'm stupid, and even if I try I'm still stupid.
JT cut very badly during Econs. I felt like crying. Trouble just because I was let off for stepping down. Why can't I just be let off? Why me? The rest of the councillors probably don't get such shit. First the trouble in class when I wasn't there, then the scolding and the asking about the letter (I have been asking about the letter, I just don't have it with me right now but I know FOR SURE that I was legitimately let off for the whole day). Then Mrs. Ang spoke to her and she couldn't just let it rest but had to explain her rationale for being strict to Mrs. Ang and had to make that cutting comment about my attendance. "Look at your attendance record." What about my attendance record?! Did she tell Mrs. Ang anything about me? I wish she'd just leave me alone.
I am very exhausted.
Don't really feel like saying anything.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:51 p.m.
I heard that Ms. Heng is "insane" and Ms. Lim is marking fast and not in a very good mood too, so I'd better buck up and finish all these overdue assignments and do them well. I haven't read the stacks of Rossetti readings. I need to file them and make sure my file is perfect, neat and organised with everything inside. I need to do my Lit essay. I should attempt to finish everything tonight.
Pockets of this morning, break and an entire Geography lecture were spent doing my Econs case study. It's a very difficult one, and I had so much difficulty with it (and with concentrating too) that I was quite in tears by Geography lecture. Thank God I managed to concentrate fully and productively finish the essay without much distraction. Although it took up the entire two periods of lecture and I felt like I'd just taken a test (mind drained, hand overused), I was quite glad for the productivity and managed to come into Econs lesson with the work done. JT blasted me for not coming for class yesterday, but I had made sure that council had let me off the whole day yesterday after stepping down and that I was legally excused from lessons. (Of course I would. I knew the consequences if I did not.)
Stepping Down was not bad, except for the few blunders I made like practically jumping on Yexiang in an exaggerated manner to hug him when he presented me with my certificate and letting the whole school laugh at me (Disclaimer: This is in Yexiang's words. I wasn't even intending to hug him but he made a motion to show that he wanted a hug so I did. I was just giving a normal hug, didn't even realise I was being exaggerated, I didn't know what happened between me hugging him normally and nearly falling down with my head somewhere on his chest. ARGH.) and turning the wrong way after my com was introduced (This one was because I plain FORGOT.). I was a little enthusiastic towards Minyee when presenting her her stuff, but that's the way I behave sometimes, especially towards juniors (my policy is to always try to look happy around juniors). Yes, this is me looking at myself from a detached perspective.
After stepping down, we vandalised the council room and went to Chinese High to change. I wore my full Nanyang uniform, which incurred much attention from the council guys. The other NY girls wore their P.E. shirt and NY skirt. I love the NY uniform, so free, so conservative (mine was an extra low skirt too 'cos I was fatter in NY) and not requiring the blouse to be tucked in. I felt pure and chaste, like a convent girl, and I loved the feeling. I was pleased with my look, with the tied up long hair (though uncombed, tried my best to keep it neat though) and the fact that I was more conscious of my behaviour, tried to be more gentle. Even though I laughed it off, I felt quite insulted by the guys' jokes. Felt they were insulting to me and to my school, and I'm a girl too! It's not that I had anything to hide, I did shave specially to wear the uniform (and accidentally cut my skin with the shaver too) but it's very demeaning to my dignity to joke about this, in front of me too!
The working com chairs for the second half of our term (O1 - Wenqi, CNY - Yuting, Eleco - Sir Hong), treated their coms (and hence the whole council) to lunch. It was a at most $ 20 per person lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe at Orchard Road, and everyone came. We did have a good time. From school until Orchard, we had been taking photos. Spent a great deal of time at the cafe eating, watching a Janet Jackson concert (and being shocked at the sexual gestures there, though I have to say the dances are so wonderful - so coordinated and clean-cut!), and taking photos! We went to the empty floor upstairs to take photos, walked into the pool room, the staff even let us into their side of the bar counter and let us hold up heavy glass bottles of sparkling coloured drink ingredients to pose for the cameras. Some of the councillors went for a movie after, while Aishu and I walked around Isetan Lido, looked at the Mogu cushions and oohed at the high prices of bags and ties. We did some people-watching at Lido too, saw an MGS girl in uniform hugging this much older guy (in outside clothes), then after the hug the guy leaned over to her and they kissed on the mouth. Puke-inducing.
Aishu went off and I had a bit of a depression later 'cos I was immensely exhausted, confused, disillusioned, alone, and with low self-esteem. Came home late, then bathed, did Econs and woke up early in the morning to do some more punctuated with bursts of sleep in between. Angry with the pressure from Econs. Maybe I'll go give myself a food break later. Staying here to read the articles on the Bee Poems (useful schoolwork) while I wait for Dewen. If he comes. Angry with him, but I'm being very unreasonable again. It's ok really now that I've blogged, have been doing work etc. Feel better about myself, more in control of my situation, and not so bothered about what he says. It's not so much what he says, I guess. It's what people say in general. I've been picking up on the slightest things (like mistakes in morning announcements -grammar and otherwise, it's not "comprise of", it's "comprise", if you want to use "of" you should use "consist of"), slow moving people who block me -I can't believe it, I can stroll and keep up with most people, sometimes they even have to run when I so much as brisk walk a bit-, and certain words and even facial expressions -by family, friends, councilmates-). I usually let things go (close one eye), but I wonder if they build up inside 'cos I do notice and remember them.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 03:21 p.m.
Thought I was ok really but Wanfang met me on the way to school and said I looked sick, told me to go home. Then later as the rest of the day progressed (went back to school for stepping down rehearsal) I realised that I really was sick. For one thing it was an immensely hot day, for another I was really feeling awful. Head hot, hands hot, slowed down activity...at the bus stop 5 friends were really v high despite being tired, singing and cheering, but I just leaned back against the pole to rest 'cos my face was sweating and I was feeling quite ill. Felt like vomiting. I'm thankful for the concern and the well-wishes, esp. from Vic and Aishu. Was really thankful for the company of councilmates tonight.
Sigh. I really wanted to finish the sonnets tonight, at least finish it before stepping down. Guess there isn't any harm hiding it anymore. I've been doing a macrosonnet (i.e. 14 sonnets) for council as a stepping down gift. Will post it up when it's done. I'm just a little more than 2 sonnets to finishing the whole thing but I can't rush it out tonight, need to sleep and my brain won't let me do a good job now.
Stepping Down tomorrow. V sad. Cleared my pigeon hole today. SIIIGH.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:29 a.m.
When I went offline earlier, I slept in bed until 3+ before heading out to JP. Got myself a Swensen's lunch and cleaned out my fish baked rice and hot U.S. fries and dip as well as glasses of water. No inspiration to write sonnets. Been trying to discipline myself, but I need inspiration too. Got Minyee her prezzie already though I still need to work on it. Took quite a while to scale the mall and choose my items.
Got a lot of work. Photo orders and Econs. Will be going for Netball cheering tomorrow. I really hate it 'cos it's going to sap a lot of my energy. I hate cheering. I hate it that a portion of the school is forced down. I hate it that -I- am forced down. I hate it that I am not only forced to watch the match, but also to CHEER. If I was there on my own watching the match I wouldn't want to cheer. The tears sprang to my eyes the last session but I don't think anyone saw. The ACJC guy lost and was crying, but we still kept cheering 'We are the champions' etc. I thought it was very wicked, but I couldn't give any feedback during evaluation 'cos I felt that we had to support our players too. They did their best and did well, and they deserved to be cheered on and supported. After all, our loyalties last with them. But although I wanted them to win 'cos my loyalties -are- with them of my own accord (i.e. not out of my obligation as a councillor or as a Hwa-Chongian), I didn't want to visibly support them. If I was at a game, I wouldn't want crowds of people going down to support me. I'd just want an exam like game where I'm unaffected by everyone else and just playing my personal best. (I have more to say about this, but what I'm going to say will definitely be extremely hurting, so I will keep this to myself and take out the hurt on myself again while the whole world remarks at my trivial sensitivity.)
Alternatively, aside from the late hours and the amount of time spent, I don't mind the stepping down rehearsal. It's a selfish thing to say though, 'cos I don't put in as much effort as other people, Exco for instance, who are planning the thing.
Why is it that I come on not intending to have a long blog, then I always remember something that I'm riled up at and start blogging away?
Yesterday I was just thinking about some things then I thought to myself that no one will ever realise anything. At this rate of complaining and whatnot, no one will ever know I loved council, or DW, or my family, or a lot of things and they will never know how much. They will never see the feeling, they will never feel it. Because they don't have my heart, they don't feel my heart, they don't understand me. Because what they see is only an outer bitchy shell, and a simple innocence, dependence and aloofness. Do I want them to though? I think the majority of the feelings I feel are always kept inside of me, they emerge as little bursts of anger at the world, or bouts of irritation. My family will never know how much I appreciate them 'cos I'm never at home, hate coming home for dinner, lock myself in my room door and get very irritated when I'm interrupted, or when my mom says a kind word of advice. My brother will never know how important he is to me because I didn't even give him his birthday present until he came to my room that night and asked for it (I wonder if he knew that although he tried to laugh it off I knew he was upset, I don't know if he was upset at me, but I think he came to my room to seek comfort. I could sense that he was upset 'cos I understood that symptom, just laugh it off, pretend it's ok). I guess it's my fault my blog wasn't spattered with 'Council rocks!' or 'Aw...I love you sweetheart' or that kinda things. Maybe 'cos at this moment I am very depressed with life, sensitive about things, and irritated with a lot of people and a lot of things. I have been insulting people, though not to their face. Maybe 'cos at this moment I just want to be alone, and yet at the same time dreading being alone. Actually I realise that I just want someone to be there when I'm crying. I'm sick of always crying alone, when my emotions are at rock bottom. And yet when I cry, I want a guy to comfort me. That's why I keep dwelling so much on my guy friends, my boyfriend and my guy friends in church and council. 'cos I am a feminist, and I admit it, I think guys should comfort girls. I think girls should be kept away from sadness. So I sugarcoat my feelings and not really share them with my girlfriends. It's not done on purpose. It's just a natural reaction. Though there are some people who for some reason may not be my very best friends (though they are pretty close) whom I think of when I'm sad like Nat and Rachel, and to these people I don't mind being honest and sharing, along with my guy friends, just letting them see my raw self with all the hurt and the blood and the violence.
And I must say that although I never really said anything to her, I really appreciate Ailin. 'cos I think she's really trying to be nice, all the smiles and pats and all. It's kinda like a pull back every time during council when I'm so upset I feel like walking away from the world and drowning myself. I haven't been behaving normally during council. I wonder if anyone noticed.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:35 p.m.
The worst was that it came in public. Was brushing tears from my eyes as I walked briskly out of church, then started crying for real at the bus stop. By the time I got firmly settled in my seat right at the front of the bus I was sobbing full-swing, gasping and blowing my nose repeatedly.
Now I'm at home, where the tears are still coming in waves and I'm comforting myself with my favourite cuttlefish snacks and wiping my face and blowing my nose with a handkerchief longer than my computer monitor. The tissues have sordidly disintegrated into wads of wetness.
Let's just say I have been feeling awfully alone 'cos no one is around physically. The blow came 'cos I feel horridly disillusioned at the fact that I practised my song to perfection for FORTY full minutes nonstop this morning (my family can bear witness) just to see it break down into shackles of dissonant notes and the ordinately elaborate melody which I practised to get right for so long simplified into one melody note and one accompaniment. Esther does NOT play only two notes on the piano. She plays at least five at a time. I actually thought I was good. And I didn't even want glory for myself. I prayed that I would play well for my father and God's glory. The pain is further magnified because that song is a rapturously beautiful one and my father sang it gloriously well. It was a pity for his dampened piano accompaniment. What am I doing even wanting to play for a wedding? Practice does not make perfect. I don't want to destroy someone's lifetime day.
And the thought of Maths and what a snivelling piece of nitwit I am at it.
And the idea that I am booked with council for the next few days and that I have A LOT of work to do, not to mention an Econs case study which is probably buried beneath mounds of months' old junkied paper. Maybe I'll be a horridly selfish person and miss all the sessions. But no, my conscience won't allow that no matter how depressed I am, nor even if I'm physically sick. Not that some of my 'dearest' friends care though.
My stomach hurts.
I don't want to practise and then go for violin. I toyed with the idea of just smsing my teacher and telling him I'll miss it this week. But the money wasted?
And the fact that all I want to do now is just sink into my bed and sleep, no violin nothing. But I've got to get a present for my junior for stepping down. And I have council to such a late hour that I won't have time otherwise to get it. I wish Wenjie wouldn't keep talking about the roses. I wish there wasn't any special dance partner thing. I mean, keep the presentations but stop the poses. They take up too much time to organise. Why can't we just go up, hug, take our things and bow? Simplicity and sweetness. Why do things have to be so complicated?
I carried my things up to tian tang, where all retired councillors go after stepping down. It was just as well that they were doing the pig holes so I couldn't put my things in yet. Just sat down and stoned for a while, then I thought too much, made up my mind to get a locker and lugged my stacks of belongings back to the council room. I just might not go back to tian tang. Maybe I just want to be free from work for the moment. Just cut off my ties from all commitments and just live life.
It's been a build-up. And I've been ignoring your sms, besides the insult-laden ones I send you in fits of depression. It's not anger, it's hurt. IDIOTIC males.
Nearly plunged myself onto the road today. Wasn't paying attention, just wandered off dazedly.
I feel like watching a movie 'cos I haven't watched one in a while and I have been wanting to watch one, only there's always no time. But given my current mood, everything will only look so bleak and empty, and I'll feel my loneliness come more anguished as I sit in a cold cinema surrounded by people I don't know, like earlier when I wept.
I think I have decided. I will go for violin without practising. Then I will empty my savings and go to JP ('cos it's relatively nearby and has sufficient walking attractions -As you can see, the government's decentralisation policy in its Revised Concept Plan 2001 has worked in that at least one person aka me does not congregate with the rest of the masses at the Central Area, but chooses instead to traipse a heartland mall. Given Singapore's target population of 6 million, the government has to embark on such a project to spatially distribute resources, and hence people. This results in a transformation of an obeisance to McGee's South-East Asian model to the Multi-Nuclei Model.- Perhaps I can say that there is a silver lining in the fact that I can rattle this just like that without looking at my notes -my Geography notes are in school-, or could it be one of those times when appearance is not reality? What am I now, a Lit student? I don't think you are impressed.) and buy Minyee's present. (It is not a chore, I like her a lot. It is just that I hate it that I have to get it TODAY.) Then maybe I'll give myself a huge ice-cream treat at Swensens (while I write my sonnets) or Matrix Reloaded.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:05 a.m.
1. What brand of toothpaste do you use?
2. What brand of toilet paper do you prefer?
3. What brand(s) of shoes do you wear?
4. What brand of soda do you drink?
5. What brand of gum do you chew?
Cheering, evaluation, stepping down rehearsal, council room and tian tang cleaning, looong break (during which I enjoyed art and solitude, and the art of solitude), and PubCo JTS at NYDC. My juniors are nice. There was this thing about the three amigos too, 'cos it just happened that three of us ordered the three amigos meal. Unfortunately, the staff forgot my meal, so there was quite a bit of lag time between when they started eating and when I finally got my food (though the gentlemen were kind enough to wait for me, and even ask the staff to check for my meal). I didn't really feel like talking, although I talked to Aishu and tried to smile and laugh with the rest of the two coms. Was just v tired, and seriously it isn't like me to make small, surface talk. I ate a lot of food though, cleaned up my three amigos (baked rice) and crazysexysomethingorother chocolate something something, which essentially was a block of good wild berry ice cream on a brownie, with hot fudge trickling on the dessert and the plate. The portions were big and I had difficulty finishing my meal but I did. Spent just less than $20. I don't think my juniors treated us as a com, it was more or less juniors treating their direct seniors. Minyee treated me. Was v glad to see her and even to walk with her to the MRT later. Later when I thanked her for the treat, she said she was glad I came. I appreciated it a lot. The 30th PubCo looks really smashing to me. I see a lot of potential in Binhui, Jiahui and Minyee. I like Minyee. I can't judge the guys 'cos I don't really like getting close to guys. (Perhaps that could explain a certain pang of loneliness today, 'cos I was sitting beside guys, so really felt uncomfortable.) Later I shared a lot with Minyee though. Realise that ever since I met her (and launched into that whole introduction to PubCo), she's a v easy person to talk to. Feel very comfortable talking when I wouldn't have otherwise, and I realise that she means a lot to me. I realised today that she may just be one of the people I'd go the world for.
A lot of stepping down business to do. Sigh. Really no time. My council work will flood into post stepping down weeks, unfortunately due to my procrastination. I feel sad for people who have been working v hard, from what I see Exco, Xinpei (for blazers), Yuting (for lockers), Vic and Sharon (for photo orders), Ailin and Linhai (for stepping down board) and all the com secs (who've been taking care of logistics and other business), of whose nobility I'm not a part of due to my sheer incompetence. I feel sad for them 'cos they look like they have so much work to do, in addition to normal council business, which frankly is stressing me out terribly. I'm going for two cheering sessions next week. I don't know how much more I can take. Today I felt like crying. I don't know why. It could just be pms. In my process of trying to decipher my own thoughts and feelings I've come to the conclusion that it's just cheering, 'cos it's manually taxing, takes up time and effort, and involves a fake show of enthusiasm on my part. Seriously I DON'T WANT TO CHEER because I am NOT HAPPY. I am not happy with life, not happy with friendships, not happy with relationships. Plus today the fact that I was physically sick with flu (sneezing and blocked nose) during the JTS was particularly distressing (though I didn't perpetuate it visibly), as I realised that some people are expecting me to show up on Monday (actually verbally demanding my presence even if I am/will be sick, I'm not kidding) and that no matter what I have no choice. Honestly, do you think even if I was sick I wouldn't go? It's one day before stepping down! Rehearsal is of utmost importance! I'm not exactly an unthinking, uncaring, unfeeling bitch.
I think I am getting agitated. I am questioning many friendships. I am starting to hate my relationship (to me, falling into the snares of love and exhibiting the symptoms of one drowning in passion is synonymous with losing control and becoming desperate and I hate this, especially when I hate your family and you sometimes, and when I know it's unreasonable of me to do so. Who am I anyway, I mean? Just some unimportant person who somehow thinks of your handphone number immediately when someone asks me for MY handphone number. I am desperate. I HATE being desperate and I will not be desperate. I think you should get a hint that something is terribly wrong from the fact that I don't reply your messages. This time it's on PURPOSE. You should know very well by now that my handphone bill (on calls and smses) do not apply to you, and that I will gladly spend this money on you.
I am very tired. Btw in addition to my previous post, I do enjoy the hot water, and whenever I come out of the bathroom it is quite eccentrically amusing to look at myself detachedly and notice the little beads of sweat all over my face and dripping down my body like frost on a teacake (this allusion is taken from the excellent To Kill A Mockingbird, if you're wondering). The hot weather only serves to make the water hotter than it would otherwise be, and pleasantly so. I hate people who stare, who are ugly, who dress indecently and who shout in public. I have seen many of these people over the past few days and have resisted the urge to hurl a flying slap on one of their irritating cheeks. Unfortunately, I realise I am one of those. Except for the 'indecent' part.
Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the spiders bite. I'm about to collapse. Can't care less about the spiders.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:44 p.m.
New layout.
In other unrelated news, I stuck my clinical thermometer underneath the shower and found out that I bathe (and like bathing) in 41.6 degrees Celsius hot water.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 01:08 a.m.
[Update: More quizzes from Kelvin's blog]
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 04:24 p.m.
Drowning myself in Tori Amos nowadays.
I'm stoning for what may be my shortest online session before I head back to Maths.
I think I've learnt more Maths than I have in a v long time. Must thank my dearest for picking questions from the tutorial for me to do (no time to do all) and helping me with my Maths (taught me, and answered my questions), and my daddy for helping me with my problems. (During my short time with him his phone rang so many times. My daddy is SO busy, I tell you. And right now he's at a church meeting that might just last until 1a.m.. I'm not kidding. But he didn't really answer his calls during his session with me -He told his callers that he wasn't free to talk-. And he would be a little late (about 5 to 10 min late) for his church meeting 'cos he was helping me with my Maths and didn't even finish all the questions (we were even late for dinner 'cos of that, mom had just about finished dinner when we came down). My daddy rocks. During the (unintended) curve sketching revision I found out that x^4 looks exactly like x^2 only it is steeper. It was a discovery. (Now you know how bad my Maths is.)
Today was v bad. Found myself crying after morning assembly in school. Think Ms. Heng saw. Morning briefing, Aishu said sth wrong. She wanted me to sit on the chair but I wanted to sit on the floor, but she insisted (not vehemently though) that the floor was dirty and I should sit on the chair so I went to sit on the chair instead. See it wasn't her fault. It's just that I need to be alone. I'm v sensitive at the moment, and I just need to be alone. Then they asked who did not bring their cheering tees and two of my com members raised up their hands and this thought was going through my head, So everyone probably thinks I didn't tell them to bring their cheering tees? How could it be such a coincidence that only 2 people didn't bring their tees and they were from MY com? Once again I was accusing myself again 'cos I did inform my com relatively early last night so they would have known in time and they probably genuinely forgot. Then Xinpei asked who hadn't done their blazers and I was one out of TWO who hadn't done it and I felt so guilty. Why is everyone so much more capable than me? Today I finally handed in my memoir after doing it last night. I did a good job though. Photo orders are ok. (Actually I kinda know that I'm accusing myself unnecessarily 'cos as I'm typing this now I'm rebutting myself naturally. Esther, you KNOW very well you put in effort.)
Then I told my closest friends in council the truth. Last night I had decided to miss today's General Meeting/work session/rehearsal/mock dance session. I cannot afford the time and the energy. I have a Maths test tomorrow. I didn't tell Yexiang why, just told him I'd get an OCP off for personal reasons. Said to tell Kelvin (nice of him not to pursue the matter, and not probe and ask what those 'personal reasons' were) but although I said ok I didn't. Given my feelings right then I really didn't want to explain myself. Seriously I'd considered my options, get an OCP before CT period. If it wasn't allowed, I'd stay until CT period and then go off, leaving word with YX that I'd get a parents' letter. If council didn't accept because I didn't give a leave form (I wouldn't because as I said I didn't want to explain myself right then and there), or if my parents somehow refused to sign the letter (a very unlikely probability) I'd just get the 10 demerit points. I didn't care, really. Of course after the whole thing I beat myself up for thinking like this, but I couldn't care then. I'm sorry, I cannot give so much. Councilmates/classmates have been expressing their resignation to failing the Maths test. I'm sorry. It's not that I don't understand. It's not that I don't care about council. But I cannot, I will not fail this Maths test. I will not let myself go into the auditorium with not a glimmer of hope of passing. And if you think I'm going to miss Thursday because of council, you've got another think coming. (1) What makes you think that school is any less important than council? Just because it's the last GM, last everything today? You really honestly think I don't want to go? (2) Do you know how much trouble I'm in with JT? I have Econs Monday to Thursday. I have 5 periods of Econs tutorial a week compared with other classes, who have 3. This week I had 6. I missed two Econs lessons and backed them up with parent's letters. She doesn't accept parent's letters and she scolded me twice (a tad unreasonably too, I felt). I am not sick this time round. And I am not going to get another scolding from her. I am NOT always sick. I do NOT always miss council sessions.
I am NOT ranting unreasonably. I have carefully chosen my words and made sure they do not attack people directly. I hate to put people in a collective group and vent my unpleasantries 'cos not all of them deserve it. Although various people have been v insensitive, Aishu is v task-oriented (encourages me not to get frustrated over little pieces of work and gets me to accomplish things like blazers -my com has so much initiative, or is it just me lacking initiative-), Nat is understanding (reassured me it was ok, don't know if she really agreed with my skipping council but she was nice). Hamster asked if I was ok when I came into the council room after crying after morning assembly. I said no I wasn't, and he asked if I was sick, but I said no, and that was about it. Didn't feel like talking. Then he went off and I went to Ge and told him I cried. Told me not to think too much. Felt like crying again, tried not to break down right then and there in the council room. (Maybe 'cos he was too nice, but I didn't tell him I would be missing council.)
Got me questioning the notion (lucius, I think it's all Ms. Heng's fault I'm using this word, too bad if Gaston reads my blog. Amazing how I can find humour in a time like this) of friendship, even got me hating council for an instant (because I dwelled too much on you instead of just about everyone else). You know, some of my classmates think you're my best friend in council. Maybe it's 'cos I sit next to you during Geog, and sometimes during Econs. Forgive me if I ask sincerely if I ever really told you any of my problems without you mocking me, insulting me or saying something insensitive. Why did you do it again today? You said certain things that were really hurtful before morning assembly (Nat was there, I don't know if she noticed it or was it just me being oversensitive again? Tell me) then after morning assembly when I went to the council room to take my bag you said something else and I really couldn't take it anymore and I just bit back, "Can you not force me?" in a very irritated way. Perhaps most people may not classify this under blowing up, you know, I take out most of my emotions on myself, and I keep quiet when I'm pissed (and rant only later to my closest friends or in blogs that I choose to put or not to put online), but I really couldn't take it today so I just shot back at you. (And let's say it together everyone, I beat myself up after that, wondered if I should apologise to you (two wrongs don't make a right but you -did- say a lot of worse things than I did, I was always the passive one, if my silence infuriated you because I didn't want to say anything hurtful in return then I'm sorry. Would you have wanted me to retaliate?). You really did seem unreasonable, you know, 'cos you never once said anything encouraging and all you did was lament that you wouldn't have a dance partner again (for a MOCK dance session?!) and seem to imply that I always get sick and always miss council sessions. And then before Geog lecture I was worried about seeing you again 'cos we were both angry with each other but there was an empty seat beside you so I sat beside you and we just sat there in stony silence (normally we talk throughout Geog lecture about Geog and other things) before you turned towards me and demanded of me in a very irritated tone, "Can you come on Saturday?" like I wasn't going to. You were angry, and your voice trembled. I knew with a surety that I would come (like I did before I realised I couldn't take the workload last night) but your question made me question myself again and I said I couldn't tell you straight and then you told me to try in a less harsh tone (perhaps that was the only vaguely nice thing you said) and never bothered about me for the rest of the lecture (but I didn't bother about you either, what you did made me feel like crying and running out of the LT -which I considered but decided against 'cos the teacher would most prob send someone to find me and I wanted to be left alone, sitting in my seat during the lecture was just about the best way to be left alone and unnoticed-, or just breaking down in my seat) I don't know, I was talking to Wanfang, and said "Oh no!" and was about to ask her something before she gave me the answer. Then I asked, "How did you know what I was going to ask?" and she said, "We've been friends for so long", and something in Chinese about a heart-to-heart/mind-to-mind connection between us and it just struck me right then and there about you. I forget what it was exactly.
It now seems awfully trivial, doesn't it? I got my OCP signed for 'personal reasons'. Mr. Yeow was nice enough when I approached him during CT to move to a corner and listen to what I had to say (I could have let JT sign my OCP instead of looking for Mr. Yeow all over, even wanted to just go for CT and miss council but to me these were some of the things JT wouldn't understand. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry. She really is a good and nice teacher.). I told him the truth, said I really needed the time to study for the test, and he let me off. Think I looked v stressed 'cos he asked me not to be so stressed.
I will not fail the test.
I will not fail the test.
I will NOT fail the test.
I WILL NOT FAIL THE TEST.
Amazing how time passes. I went home, read a little newspaper, went upstairs and slept soundly on the floor of my bedroom ('cos I was still in my uniform, it was amazing how fast I fell asleep), then woke up past 5 to do Maths. Got help, went for dinner, and watched tv while eating dinner (like I always do). This girl's becoming a Buddhist nun. V unhappy girl. The guy doesn't love her and she loves him too much to give herself any other option. Actually I think all the problems (she being so mean and all the economic troubles which ensued etc. etc.) were 'cos she loved him too much and couldn't let him go. Quite sad, I sorta sympathise with her actually. She's really beautiful, but she won't give herself another chance at the world. Every time I see her cry...I sympathise with her really. Love can't be forced, and that guy's too task-oriented, successful and clever to really care (which is actually a good thing). Wants nothing to do with her. Most people probably take Ah Cheng as their hero. Maybe Mingyu is an antihero. I support her 'cos her problems stem from a deep, loyal, but unfortunately one-sided love. Sometimes you wonder why friends can be so hurtful. Understand if you will.
I don't preach myself a nobility. But I am truthful. I am smart (that is why I go around in circles rebutting myself in an internal debate). And I am not manipulative (which means I say things that are, that I feel, and do not insinuate anything). Take it or leave it.
I know I've made some statements that perhaps were not so kind to my friends. Trust me, I could have been harsher. But don't pursue it and just leave it as my personal opinion and feelings, if you will, and don't make judgements on either of us. I am disillusioned at this friendship though. A part of me wants to quit council just so I won't see her. Too hurt really.
My tears do not come cheaply. Good night.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:55 p.m.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:01 p.m.
Thou thinkest much of thy idealised dreams,
I am very disappointed in my first sonnet, namely in the sestet. Throw some bricks at me.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:10 p.m.
~Strange | Tori Amos
I wanted to just post it in its bare essence first. I will add my own comments another time.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:45 p.m.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:52 p.m.
The church introduced a singspiration session before the 8a.m. service today. Perhaps in the future I shall aim to come at 7.30a.m. then to be in time for it. Singspiration is led by my ex-choir teacher (I'm not in choir anymore). It's funny how more deacons and adults say hello to me than people my age. Hm...
Have been suffering from sunburn. Still suffering. I haven't bathed. Will bathe tomorrow. Should sleep soon. I don't want to bathe 'cos of the sunburn. But the sunburn didn't stop me from hurting myself again today. Thought up new plots for my stupor.
The minutes are done, 5 pages in all, printed twice. The treasury is printed again. I felt a sense of pain when I was looking at the minutes coming out of the printer. No sense of completion, more like, 'Wow. I did so much work.' And of course there was this usual nagging thought that went, 'You call that so much work? Other people probably do more work than you!'
From where I stopped (reading blogs), I'm currently in the middle of Waikit's blog. I was in the middle of it this afternoon before I went to bed. I skipped Sheralyn's btw. I feel v uncomfortable reading her website. I guess it's 'cos her words are a tad depressing. But they're not Tori Amos depressing or even as depressing as me. They just have this strange depressing tinge to it and I don't want to read it.
As usual I sleep before midnight and wake up in the wee hours of morning to rush my homework. A tradition I have followed for quite a while.
I am in a weird mood now. A little darkly humourous. Which, as Prisca says, is scary. It's like, 'Wow I have so much work.' -laughs at self- 'Look...my skin is red and hurting, my forehead is stinging.' -laughs again- Everything appears highly amusing to me, but for all the wrong reasons. The most painful part right now is my forehead. Ouch.
Yexiang sent me an sms saying there was a JTS cum com chair treat this Sat and asked me if I would be able to make it. You know what my first reaction was? It was 'I'm sorry, but it's not whether I will be able to make it or not. It's whether I want to go or not.' said in a horribly sarcastic manner. Of course I beat myself up after that for acting so poshly sophisticated. (And of course, I didn't send him the message. What did I do to his message? You guessed it! I simply didn't reply. What's new?) I would go frankly for Minyee. But sigh I don't feel like being around people. But I couldn't stay home again. If I didn't go I would still have to be around my family. Maybe I should go. I mean, it's after all a once in a lifetime thing. -laughs- And Yexiang -is- treating. -evil laughter- (See what I mean by laughing for the wrong reasons?) I am so mean.
(Btw why are my closer friends not doing my quiz? Is there something wrong with the quiz server?)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:52 p.m.
Been working since I came home. Took a little sms exchange between my mom and I for her to reluctantly let me stay home. My depression is showing, if people bother to see. Yexiang said something wrong today, he shouldn't even have said anything 'cos I just wanted to be alone today during council. He was being nice during certain points, but I just kinda acknowledged that he said something. Then he asked me some council-related stuff which was unintentionally wrong 'cos I was really not in the mood for that and it got me going 'You mean I have to...? Nvm. Forget it.' and I saw myself just kinda resigning. But he reacted ok, and the job was settled 'cos he provided an alternative solution. Just sat by myself. Couldn't even be as nice as I would have liked to be to Wenjie today. Didn't reply Wenjie and Aishu's smses. I won't. Haven't replied my best friend's messages for 2 days. Haven't replied Yexiang's message. Didn't reply DW's message. I will not reply anything. I hope they don't ask, 'cos I will have nothing to say.
I was very angry with council. I am very angry with council. Because of today's softball match which I didn't want to go for in the first place, I am suffering from sunburn on my face, the back of my neck, my arms and my legs. My skin is red, and the difference in skin colour in the parts which had different levels of exposure to the sun is very obvious. Today I cheered on a professional level as usual again, cheered loudly, but inside I was really about to cry and was praying that the match would end soon, 'cos I was drenched in sweat and my skin was hurting very badly (especially my knee). It felt like layer of layer of skin was being burnt up. Especially my knee. I got so upset at one point I just took away my hand and let my knee get burnt by the sun, feeling detachedly the pain until it got so bad I had to cover it again. My feet too. My arms starting hurting after I left the school and my face started burning up after my bath. Bath was painful 'cos my skin was very painful and the shower was raining down on it, had to be careful -dabbing- my body dry too. Especially my face and nose. I looked so ugly, with two white patches where the spectacle pads are in a sea of red. I am very unhappy with the way things are being run in council, but to be fair to it, I think it's partly the flaws of council, partly the flaws of the school. But I never felt it was my place to speak, never spoke up during evaluations save one my entire term. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt, which unfortunately means that though I don't scream at them and am able to try to be ok about things, when I'm in a bad mood things just start surfacing. Council work is getting too much for me to handle at the moment, with one week left to stepping down. No use saying that there's only one week more. And I hate people telling me to put in effort 'cos it's the last cheering session, last meeting, last whatever. It doesn't matter. It only makes me sad, and when I'm sad I don't want to work. (Disclaimer: This is not a personal attack, nor even a professional attack, on anyone, especially not within council. It's just my feelings about certain things, and if you think I'm a traitorous bitch, then so be it 'cos if so you don't know ANYTHING about me and I don't care about you.)
Yes, other people get faint, other people get sunburn, blah-blah-blah. I tell myself this. But I just feel very alone, you know? Like I'm not like everyone. I didn't want to go. I was FORCED to go. (Yes partly by my conscience, but I was forced nonetheless.) Just feel that in a way my opinions are justified 'cos people are different, they have different things, and even if they are more commitments than I do they are still different, how they handle things, their abilities, personalities, nature. Some things written on blogs annoy me. Once again this is not a personal attack. It is my own opinion on a perception. You get angry 'cos people give excuses that they need to study and don't help out in class presentations and you (and a bunch of other people) do it. I got a little reaction at that point 'cos 1) You don't HAVE to do it. To me, if you can't do something, DON'T do something. Academic stuff is more important that whatever the school organises. 2) They have perfectly legitimate reasons and you can't accuse them of being selfish 'cos they say they have to study and seemingly assume that you don't. People are different. I am a rebellious person by nature. That's why I refused to attend Nanyang Prom. 'cos I wasn't happy with the way it was being done. Frankly. But anyway, I would be out of the country so I had some legitimate excuse. I know my thoughts are somewhat disjointed and weakly linked. I just want to say that I really hate being forced or expected to do anything, especially when I have other things to do. I mean it's ok when you have say a few things at a time coming up, but not when suddenly things come crashing on you like Minutes, Treasury Report (yes, 'cos YX wants both by Mon, which means I have to do the new minutes and get another treasury report printed -'cos I already gave one to Junhao-) then things like Blazer, Name Tags, Photo Orders, Memoir. I don't know. It may seem little to most people but it isn't to me, and I'm very very annoyed and irritated. I hate it that so many smses are coming my way. My skin is hurting from the sunburn.
Someone made a blasphemous comment about PubCo. A totally UNTRUE statement. It was a while back, but it triggered off a depression on my side and a lot of anger, but that person should be thankful I cursed and swore and vented my anger while I didn't know who he was. Anyway I chanced upon finding out who he was, but I am grateful he posted a reconciling message on his blog. I have resigned to believing that people who make very hurtful comments directed towards people (and which are not on their own blogs -'cos you can write anything on your own blog, even one-sided arguments-) just plain don't understand situations. I hate such people unfortunately, but I'm resigned to just believing that their ignorance of things going on is the cause of such actions. Such actions are rude anyway, so whatever the reason, it is unjustified. (Though I hope his mother and brother are ok.) To the rest of you who are reading this and don't understand anything of what's going on, skip. People, please, if you don't understand anything of what I say, either forget it, or ask me. DON'T make guesses, 'cos chances are you'll guess wrongly. 'cos you don't know me well enough to know perfectly what I'm talking about. I don't blame you, but I don't want you to misunderstand.
On the other hand, I went out with DW for a short while today, got the NeoPets Faerie Kougra Plushie from Isetan ($17.95). Went to the library and Kino for a while to (hurriedly) search for Left Behind: The Kids and the Left Behind Graphic Novels but what I wanted wasn't available so I went home. Parents were nice, mom gave me a cold bottle of chrysanthemum brew, maid came in and chatted awhile (hope I didn't make it too obvious I wanted her to leave). Actually I just wanted to be alone. People kinda left me alone today, especially my family. I'll practise my dad's song tomorrow, however early it may be. I don't want to do it tonight. Violin tomorrow too. I may get into trouble if I don't practise. Just felt the urgency to finish up work e.g. blogs. Ate a sushi dinner. The family went out without me, without badgering me. (They didn't even force me to put medication on my sunburn when I kept refusing.) Mom bought two pairs of silver dolphin earrings for me, something I've been wanting. One pair shows the top view of the dolphin, the other a side view. A little small, but ok. Ate my specially bought sushi dinner (bought it while I was out earlier today despite my mom saying it wasn't fresh) 'cos it was something which would make me happy.
Very tired. Will sleep with my new beloved NeoPets toy and DW's coat (as usual) tonight.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:50 p.m.
[I answered this one with respect to my current Pitas blog, not my livejournal.]
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 07:24 p.m.
What's your Scent Personality?
seed
Honest, tolerant, intuitive and feel things deeply. These scents include caraway, carrot and cumin. An aromatherapist would know the best way to sniff your personality flavors to enrich your mood and to alleviate stress.
herb
Compassionate, kind, down-to-earth and emotional. These scents include basil and rosemary. An aromatherapist would know the best way to sniff your personality flavors to enrich your mood and to alleviate stress.
What's Your "Clique Identity"?
[The truth is I don't belong to a clique and don't want to.]
[Update]
Personality Test
[Got equal results for the above quiz]
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:06 a.m.
[WHAT?! I'm from Dunman? I wish they'd give a reason.]
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:47 a.m.
I felt so violated by that intrusion of privacy. Some of my friends know that when I get into a certain kind of stupor, not to disturb me 'cos I'm in a different state of mind. Felt so dirty 'cos someone had seen something that wasn't meant to be seen.
This will have lasting consequences. Later my ab will hurt. Or maybe themselves. For a while. Then I'll do it all over again later tonight.
I don't want to go. Sigh. I don't want to do anything anymore. Aishu sent me a message telling me to reply to her sms. I haven't replied yet. The thing is, I don't reply people. I don't like replying smses. Really. I don't even reply my best friend's smses, only once in a while. It's nothing against her. Nothing against anybody. But it gave me one more thing to do, somehow, I don't know I don't know anymore. Things are weighing down so hard. And this day's going to end sooner before I do it. I hope council and going out (with DW, family) won't take up too much time. I know it will.
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