p s y c h o t i c p e r s p e c t i v e s

Wouldn't you know...NeoPets is STILL DOWN!!!

This had better be good.

I feel like staying online some more. Now I wish I had cable so I wouldn't be wasting online time. I just don't feel like going offline. Sigh...will check out the thing Chooi Mei told me about and then go offline. NeoPets rocks!!! Even if it's always down.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, May 31, 2002 09:45 a.m.

I've been online for more than 2 hours! Believe it or not...

Been having a lot of fun doing work. Yes...I believe even personality tests are work. As long as they're something I want to do and have a goal to accomplish, now that's work. I don't feel like doing more personality tests though, even though I'm not done, and I feel pretty uneasy about my homework at the moment, something I really have to get done.

So check out my personality test results anyway and see you the next time I come online. One thing I'm glad about the holidays is that I can account for everything I do (so far I don't think I've wasted any time) and that I've been able to catch up on my online commitments. Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, May 31, 2002 09:41 a.m.

ARGH! NeoPets is STILL down. And I've completed all council mails. And there are only 5 e-mails in my Hotmail account so I won't check it.

Never mind, gives me the opportunity to do personality tests. I can't believe that's all for my guild duties.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, May 31, 2002 07:50 a.m.

Why am I able to sleep later and wake up earlier?

It's good to rise and shine early so that I can get more work done. Unfortunately, I would have been even earlier had not the computer taken such a long time to be able to start normally instead of hanging all the time, making me hit it a few times.

I didn't get to do NeoPets yesterday because it was down. Thankfully I managed to do other things before my computer finally hanged and forced me down, since I was too tired and frustrated to go back online again. Now I'm going to rush through everything here like I always do so that I'll have time for speech and homework before I go to school for another long day. Me wonders what we are going to do for 4 and a 1/2 hours of speech training today. For one thing, I will have to make my NeoPets speech sound interesting without being draggy, and I can't keep saying the same points because even though I've changed groups, the teacher is still the same and I don't want her to think I've just got that much to say about the guild.

I have been quite sad in a way but not full-blown depressed, so I guess depression is healing? Hopefully so. And now I just hope that everything goes smoothly so that I can have everything done soon and start on the homework. Chooi Mei managed to remind me that I have more homework than I really thought I have yesterday, although she didn't mean to. Surprisingly how one can just think of things on the spot.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, May 31, 2002 07:38 a.m.

Did you know that in RJ they don't have any holiday homework? Lucky people.

But I appreciate having the holidays to study for block test even if the holidays don't seem like holidays.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, May 31, 2002 01:17 a.m.

I wish my computer would stop hanging. Too much to do and too little time to do it and I'm wasting time restarting and redoing everything. I wish things would just go smoothly. I don't exactly have the time and patience for this. Am very close to tears as it is already.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, May 31, 2002 12:31 a.m.

Today was quite a busy day. I woke up early in the morning and went online for a while to do some NeoPets work and be active on the guild message board, after which I went to school to do some studying. I got pretty irritated that there was a lot of drilling going on in the school, plus the band was practising, and the Reading Room was closed. Talk about a conducive environment for studying! Nevertheless, I went to the library, where the conditions were much better, and once again managed to progress somewhat, even though I'm still far from finishing my homework. I just don't feel like doing work. I realise that perhaps even though I'm a workaholic I work out of necessity and not from really enjoying the work. I do enjoy working, but I wouldn't do work voluntarily unless it's something I REALLY enjoy.

Later, I went out with Chooi Mei and we had a really good day together. I really appreciate her company. We were mostly talking about school, people we know in 'high places' (e.g. President of Chinese Dance, council etc.) and NeoPets. We're organising a gathering of the Singaporeans in the guild on the 8th of June, which is the same day when NeoPets will come to Singapore to sell merchandise. We had quite a lot of fun walking around Orchard Road, all the way from the usual Takashimaya to Suntec City! We walked until our legs ached, and even went around Suntec City to plan for the guild gathering i.e. settle on a theme, venue, time and souvenirs to give out. We even enjoyed brisk walking to the MRT station, which took us quite some time because we lost our way. On the whole we had quite an adventurous time, stopping (and running!) to help a tourist find his way.

The free movie was cool. We decided to watch E.T.. Drew Barrymore is so cute as a child actress, and she could act really well for her age. '[S]he hath gone beyond the promise of [her] age'. Haha...That was taken off Much Ado About Nothing by Shakespeare, my English Literature text. E.T. was really touching. My tears were streaming down my face by the end. Sometimes it takes children to notice things and care. Reminds me of Matthew, whom I believe is my GP tutor's nephew, and his drawing of zoo animals on a cardboard box. It was only a simple drawing in pencil and on a cardboard box, but Matthew was happy and all the animals he drew were smiling. Maybe it was my mood then, but I looked at the drawing when my GP tutor showed it to me and cried harder. Truly we have much to learn from children.

The Long John Silver's meal was good too, but we ate until we were so full that we didn't use the free popcorn and drinks coupon for the movie. It was good though. I don't really think eating while concentrating on a movie is good...in fact it's quite distracting, and both of us don't exactly finish our popcorn. I did for a time, but I don't really eat popcorn after the movie ends so I end up throwing away leftover popcorn. Maybe I'll save it for another time I actually go to Cathay just to eat popcorn and drink coke.

Thanks Chooi Mei for accompanying me to the police station today! It was quite a coincidence that while we were taking this long walk we saw a police station, and went there to report the loss of my wallet 2 weeks ago. At least this is settled now. We also managed to visit the National Library where I got a new library card, and MPH bookstore, which was astonishingly big. In fact, we visited quite a lot of bookstores today. Wish I could actually have the money and the time to get a book. There are a lot of books I would love buying and reading e.g. A Walk to Remember, The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars (everyone), and some fantasy books. There has been some talk about The Sandman by Neil Gaiman, which we saw today in some bookstore, and it does look interesting so perhaps I will get the chance to read it soon.

I decided to buy the new a1 cd! In fact, I'm listening to it now and it's really good, better than the other two cds. The quality of the music is good and the songs are pleasant too. I know I said that I didn't really like the cover at first, but now I think it's cool to have everything in black and white. Even the photos in the album sleeve are in black and white, making it look like a freak rocker show, but the effect is really great. I think it was a great buy, plus it came with a really big a1 sketchbook! It was great to note that the book was quite big since I was expecting a pocket-sized notebook. I don't think I'm going to use the book though. This new album also comes with lyrics, something that the second album didn't have. I'm quite poor now though. It's amazing how much $19 can be, and it was not very pleasant to discover after I'd bought the cd at HMV that the same cd with sketchbook costs $17.95 at Tower Records. I think I'll trust Tower Records more. The prices at HMV fluctuate quite a great deal, and can be really expensive. For example, the first a1 album (Here We Come) costs $27 now as compared to $14.99 in the past! Anyway, I feel that a1 has grown a lot as a band. The sound is more pleasant and mature, and they're no more as simple as they sounded when they first started out. Go listen to them if you know nothing about their latest two singles, 'Caught In The Middle' and 'Make It Good'. I love 'Make It Good'. One thing about a1, the music on this album is quite cheerful and bright. I guess that's good for a depressed person like me. :)

Took a well-deserved and pleasant, though quick, hot bath with Jerry (that's the name of one of the cockroaches that share my room). As long as Tom and Jerry (the two cockroaches that share my room) don't disturb me, I just leave them alone, even if they see me stripped down to the bare essentials, and leave their footprints on my property. I was quite annoyed with my mother who came in and curtly informed me that I've smsed more than I'm supposed to, and she had to pay $30 more for my near 600 smses this month. I guess then I will have to cut down my sms, and not send too many personal smses. I think from now on I will try to stick to phone calls and only send smses for council purposes or if I really need to. I just get irritated that my mother uses such an irritated tone of voice when talking to me, and gives me an irritated look. How does she expect me to feel comfortable with her and share my life with her if she's going to only treat me so formally? There's a barrier that needs to be breached here.

Xin Yi called me halfway during the outing today. It was weird that she would call me on my handphone in the middle of the day just to chat, but it was great hearing from her, and she got to talk to Chooi Mei too. I just felt a little uneasy, like she were spying on me. It's ok, I'm just imagining things here.

I have been quite scared of ghosts lately. I must control that fear. Besides, I'm really dreading OBS. It doesn't seem like a comfortable camp, and I don't exactly like testing my limits by going on outdoor activities. I just hope they don't do too many night activities or activities in the dark, or those involving heights. I also don't want any scary insects around. I tend to be quite screamish sometimes. Don't want to get me all hysterical and defensive.

NeoPets is down. Hopefully it won't stay down. I feel stressed out now as usual...with a great sense of urgency.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Thursday, May 30, 2002 11:29 p.m.

NeoPets done.

Halfway through my NeoPets NP-earning Xin Yi called. Thanks Xin Yi. Really appreciate that call and I realised just how much I needed it. I was feeling quite lonely because De Wen went offline and besides I was angry with him for slacking. Ok maybe I don't know the situation well enough but in my current situation of having no time I really HATE slackers.

Don't know. It's just a whole different perspective of things I guess. I'm seriously worried about my work. It's only whether I choose to dwell on it or not. If I think about it I get stressed so I don't really think about it. I will not stay up to do my homework though. I don't want to fall asleep halfway through when I'm supposed to be working and I don't want to act like a zombie. I'm quite tired out and this is supposed to be the June HOLIDAYS. I have decided to go to school early every morning for homework and studying. Perhaps then I'll stress myself out less.

Wish people wouldn't talk to me about tv. On one hand I can't blame them and I really want to find out more about them and what they're interested in but on the other hand I feel really uncomfortable when I don't have the time to watch tv.

Time time time. I can't believe my ENTIRE holidays are being eaten up by school. I just can't believe it. It's never happened to me before. Not ENTIRELY.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Thursday, May 30, 2002 01:18 a.m.

I'm tired but I will try to complete whatever NeoPets duties are in store for me as well as go online to talk to Chooi Mei and De Wen.

Today was a great day. I went to school early in the morning for the 20 minute morning briefing which wasn't completed successfully because there was considerable debate over the new colour scheme of the council room. Frankly, I love the old colours, the light blue and pink walls and the black ceiling. I wish the ceiling was lighter though, but we're going to stick with the black ceiling because it'll take a long time to paint, with much effort, and we don't have the time which the 28th supposedly had to paint.

During the psychometric test today, I did some homework. It was quite relaxed, in that I actually sang, listened to music and doodled on my foolscap pad somewhat, but I managed to enjoy doing the 7 Mathematics questions which I managed to complete. Although I originally planned to finish all my holiday homework today due to the time constraint, and the fact that I�ve got to figure out block test revision and council into my holidays, I didn�t manage to do much of the homework. Still, I�m glad I managed to start doing something, and I hope to be able to have spent my holidays wisely. I don�t really know what slacking is, and I don�t like the sound of that word. So far, I think I�ve not been slacking, but what is the difference between slacking and relaxing? I refuse to think I�ve wasted my time somehow.

Although I originally felt marginalised at not being selected for the psychometric test, I�m pretty grateful now that I didn�t go for it. Yes, I guess perhaps I�ve lost out on a chance to get a PSC scholarship, but it was three hours spent on homework and relaxation as compared to sitting stressed out in an auditorium rushing through questions, even if the last section of the test is a personality test which I enjoy. Which reminds me that I�ve got to start working on the personality tests on Chooi Mei�s LiveJournal. I must keep up with that since that�s one of the things I pride myself on keeping updated with.

I was quite shocked when I found out that Melissa (guild leader) wanted me to be transferred over to Cherubim. It�s still a council spot in the Council of Elders, but I feel it�s a demotion somewhat since it�s two spots below Avenging Angel. I also feel like I�ve been stripped of my identity somewhat, since I�ve always called myself Avenging Angel as part of my nickname. Besides, ever since I�ve entered the guild, I�ve worked on staying on the avenging side, from Avenger to High Avenger (now known as Silver Avenger), then Avenging Sword and finally Avenging Angel, of course skipping a few steps in between. I don�t like the idea that I�m on the angel side now. As I told De Wen today, I�m not kind, and I don�t want to be kind. But De Wen comforted me saying that I�ll be the only geographygirl who was Avenging Angel. Thanks De Wen. I appreciated that a lot. I�m going to strive very hard in my new position, but I hope that I�ll be brought back to Avenging Angel again. As I said, it�s part of me, and I won�t change my nickname this time just because my position has been changed. On one hand I accepted Melissa�s recommendation that I be Cherubim, but on the other hand, I was devastated to the extent of thinking of quitting the guild. It�s a total job change too, and I�ve got to learn the ropes of my new jobs. Sigh�I accepted the position knowing that it�s for my good though. It�s a great way to cope since the job scope of the new Avenging Angel will be much wider, and I won�t be able to spare the time for that. I�m also going to be supervising ideas this time, which means more interaction with the council, which allows me to grow closer to the rest of council too, hopefully.

After the psychometric test, there was a short meeting to finish up the planning for the council room painting. Decided to go out with De Wen today. I enjoyed myself, but I missed going on NeoPets before the new day started. I guess I was enjoying myself too much I forgot all about the time, even though I blamed it on De Wen. ;) Thanks for the great time, dear, and all the best for Maths Olympiad tomorrow! We went to Newton Circus for lunch today. I�m amazed at how long it�s been since I stepped into a hawker�s centre and how little I know of the procedures there. De Wen was surprised to find out that in Economics, food at a hawker�s centre is regarded as an inferior good, because as the income of the people increase, the demand for it falls. The food was ok, even though Newton Circus is known to be a hot spot in Singapore. Didn�t get the carrot cake which I felt like eating, but I enjoyed the coke and talking to De Wen.

Managed to come home to do council work (AAA) before going off to school again to meet up with PubCo for the movie treat from our dear com-chair, Yexiang. It was raining relatively heavily when I approached the school but thankfully by the time I left the weather was pretty good. It was quite pathetic that in the end only Yexiang, Sharon and I went out for the outing, because Ramnik, Aishu and Chin Siong were unavailable, Ailin had to meet her mother, Lin Hai had something on and Victoria was tired. Ailin accompanied us part of the way though since we were going to Orchard too. In the end we watched Star Wars Episode 2 at Plaza Singapura with Yexiang�s brother who came later. Yexiang�s brother is pretty cool, and perhaps it was good that he came, because maybe he took away some of the awkwardness that Yexiang was feeling about being with two girls, but it was weird having him there because it was a PubCo outing. I enjoyed talking with Sharon and Yexiang though�opened up quite a bit because I got pretty comfortable with them. I think PubCo has got a long way to go before we bond though. We�re not that closely knit as a committee yet and even though I�m able to talk with Sharon and Yexiang, I do feel uncomfortable with Ailin and the others. Sometimes I feel really lonely not having a best friend I can really talk to close by. Ever since Pei Yu left my class, I�ve been approachable but really alone in class because there are clicks and even in council, I don�t feel able to connect with the people there.

The movie was really cool�action-packed but a slight drag, and the ending was quite abrupt. The fantasy elements really appealed to me though, and Yexiang and I were grinning at mentions of �dark lord� and �dark side�. Guess we really dig this, huh? :) I really wish I could just read more and more fantasy novels. I love fantasy. I love the Star Wars theme too! I wasted half a bag of popcorn though because I ordered a large bag of popcorn. Believe it or not, a large bag of popcorn, two cups of coke and one packet of M&Ms is cheaper than a regular bag of popcorn and one cup of coke! Ended up talking like Yoda for the rest of the night e.g. �Happy I am�. Got Sharon irritated. Teased Yexiang quite a bit too. I guess I can be really sarcastic. I just hope I don�t get PubCo really mad at me, only mock-irritated.

Anyway tomorrow should be a great day too. Will be going out with Chooi Mei tomorrow. Have already prepared her Legolas figurine (will take care of it LOL) and the free movie passes and popcorn and drink. Looking forward to tomorrow.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, May 29, 2002 11:46 p.m.

Corrected some errors on this page. The bold was because of some HTML errors while the weird symbols were because I type my long entries in Microsoft Word before transferring them over...reason being my computer hangs a lot and I need to save the entries. Besides, I also prefer the full justification there. I can't stand left alignment. When I read left alignment blogs I have to psycho myself into thinking of certain patterns and it requires some effort. Why don't people just have full justification on their blogs? Someone please enlighten me.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, May 28, 2002 10:42 p.m.

Am trying to get my holidays together. Did a timetable for my work today but realised that I need to spend less time doing each item of work. Because of events like OBS, council and social commitments, I really need to squeeze work in. But I need my rest too and so I�m struggling to fit everything into my timetable. �wonders how that�s going to happen-

Don�t feel much like blogging now. I made a mistake of going online where there are friends to talk to so I end up blogging to them rather than posting a message online for the whole blogging community to read, but it�s great talking to people. I am trying to be more social here, mainly because it�s a form of enjoyment, it enables me to develop as a person, and helps me to find out more about the people I care about, and the people who figure in my life.

Will be going for council tomorrow at 8a.m. for 20 minutes briefing and then a nice PubCo outing at about 4.30p.m. I have not informed the PubCo members of the outing because I haven�t decided on the time to meet. On one hand, I know the movie times, but I don�t know how early the outing should be really since the movies are earliest 5.30p.m. and latest 6.45p.m. in that time slot. Perhaps PubCo should go out and spend dinner or something? It�s sad that there will most probably be 6 people going out of 9 because Ramnik is out of town, Aishu has SRP and Chin Siong has other commitments according to Yexiang, but it will be good to have a smaller group so we can interact more, and poor Yexiang won�t be spending so much on us.

During my nap today, I dreamed a really strange dream and for some reason I remember what I dreamed about. I dreamed about Alanna! It had to do with OBS, I think, because I was packing for OBS, and putting things into this bag. There was something going on with this white shirt. Either Alanna was wearing it or giving it to me, and then she was going on about how she was pissed off with her class because her GP tutor broke her ankle and her classmates broke her leg. Then, Alanna started talking about Mrs. Tan, who happens to be MY GP tutor. Weird dream. I think it was a lot of what I was thinking about all jumbled into one story. �looks at Alanna with a quizzical look- And to think today when I was in school, my direct senior Angela came over to me and asked me if I called her, and I said I didn�t even have her number, and she said she dreamed she saw my number on her handphone. What is it about dreams?

That�s all for today, I guess. Am talking to a few people online now and have 66 mails to read from council alone today. Will try to do some NeoPets too. �wonders about the workload-

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, May 28, 2002 10:08 p.m.

Just woke up. The great thing about holidays is that you can sleep in the afternoons even if you don't get to sleep in in the morning. I must learn to rest though, and I must take this opportunity to rest. I came home so tired that I just changed and fell asleep, without washing up, and woke up about 4 hours later. I'm hungry because the last I ate was during early break at 10a.m. and it's dinner time now. Amazing how I can survive on no food for ages, compared to a lot of other people.

Speech Training course was cool. Guess who my speech trainer was? Ms. Suneeta Raman! She was my speech trainer in Secondary 1 and 2. One thing some people were surprised to know today was that Nanyang has speech training lessons incorporated into their curriculum. Which reminds me they have dance and gym lessons too. Which reminds me that I could have enjoyed my Nanyang days. I wish I was more active in Nanyang. The opportunities were there, but most people were just uninterested. Perhaps because I love council that I love council activities, and because I've become eager to learn ever since I've come into Hwa Chong, that I suddenly enjoy learning new things. I just wish the LT was less cold though, since a lot of us were freezing in there.

We did exactly what we did in Secondary 1, give an introduction of ourselves e.g. Name, Class, Faculty, Subject Combination, Primary School, Council and of course elaboration on these points IN FRONT OF A VIDEO CAMERA. I learnt A LOT about my council mates during this session. Then, Ms. Raman, who wanted to be known as Su (but I feel uncomfortable calling her Su), taught us a few skills based on the problems she saw in the video. A lot of people didn't know what to say, because seriously, it was a long introduction, but I'm proud, though frustrated, of the fact that I had too much to say. It just came to me. I stood there and spoke on and on and on and on and people just listened and listened and listened and listened and finally I saw her signalling me to stop, and I hadn't even said half my speech yet! It always happens when I'm talking about NeoPets. Why was I talking about AAA? I guess it's a great part of me. It comes in every introduction and since I was talking about running for council, I brought that in since it was a main reason. Many people are surprised that there's more to NeoPets than just a children's game.

Well, we each had a sheet of SPEECH SKILLS PRELIMINARY EVALUATION sheet of paper based on our strengths and weaknesses in various parts of speech.

NONVERBAL-

Anchoring/Leg movements:
STRENGTHS: "Good anchoring. NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "Just be careful that you don't lock your knees. Halfway though body weight on right leg"
I was surprised at this because I thought I disciplined myself to not move, to just stand there and speak, but perhaps I got too comfortable and naturally shifted my weight to my right. Or perhaps my right leg is shorter than my left. The reason I shouldn't have my knees locked is that it puts a lot of pressure on the leg and enables the speaker to be unable to stand for long periods of time.

Hand Gestures:
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "Arms clasped behind back at the beginning"
I realise it's natural for me to keep still. I don't gesture and I don't shake my leg like some people do when I'm bored. I just plain keep still. Now I have to find a way to open up.

Shoulders/Upper Body:
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "Slight hunch- watch that"
Amazing how I hunch, and I never really knew it. Even on the council video (the one which was played during Investiture), I was hunching. No wonder I looked so strange then, and I didn't even pay attention to it. Yes, must watch that. People think I'm short, but actually I'm not. I'm of average height! Why do people think I'm short? It's only when I correct them then they say I'm "petite". ARGH.

Eye Contact:
STRENGTHS: "OK but" NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "tended to look away at times when you were thinking of points"
Realise that. It makes me look unsure of myself. Will remember to look you in the eye the next time we talk. I realise I stare at one person throughout my entire speech. When running for council, I was talking mainly to Alanna since she was the one who asked me about NeoPets (I love NeoPets!). This time I think I was staring at... Yexiang? My PubCo chair. I realise when I speak I find someone I like/am really comfortable with and when I speak I try not to look like a fool in front of him/her.

Facial Expression:
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "Not enough expression"
Now this I fully realise. I look bored! It's amazing. Some people, like Xing Yi (council), have great smiles which they flash throughout the entire speech. I have a great smile too, methinks, but I just don't use it enough. I used it to my advantage (I believe) when I was running for council, but I've seriously stopped smiling. Today it was the speech that got me opening up later. Today I was quite quiet and morose, and even though my friends were there (e.g. Wen Jie), I didn't have anything constructive to say to her and mainly kept to myself. -wonders if she noticed- It was only until I talked about a topic I was really passionate about i.e. NeoPets and AAA guild then I started to open up and joke with Yexiang about cows, darkness and PubCo. I even moved my seat down so I sat alone in front just so I sat in front of him and just so we can talk. I think if we got beyond the professional relationship we're having now (e.g. PubCo), we could be great friends. He has a great smile, and he impresses me in terms of intellect. Now that's what I call mature. I'm glad the councillors don't think we're up to anything. Ordinarily they would because they do tease but they know I'm taken.

VERBAL-

Voice projection:
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "No projection"
I agree my projection needs to be worked on. One thing Su told us today is that projection is not loudness. It doesn't mean you speak louder. But it does produce a rounder sound when you speak because you're utilizing the muscles much lower down in your body e.g. diaphragm, back and leg muscles. That's why it's important you stand straight. I realise even with singing, my voice is a lot softer in terms of quality, like a flute, while you can spot the difference when people from choir sing individually. Perhaps I'm not projecting enough.

Articulation:
STRENGTHS: "Quite good" NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "but take care to finish all end consonants"

Yes. Even if I don't speak Singlish, I do speak like a Singaporean in terms of my accent. Perhaps I should learn to be more formal. -wonders if speaking like what we learn here should be applied to informal speaking with close friends since the formality is not required. Thinks Ailin has no problem with speaking though. Should try to get her evaluation paper and see if there's anything SHE needs to work on- ;)

Enunciation:
STRENGTHS: "Quite good"

Pause/Pace:
STRENGTHS: "OK"

Pitch/Tone of Voice:
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "You could work on more developing wider variety. Otherwise it's ok"
Fluctuations? I must admit I drone. Watching myself on video was SO BORING. As I said earlier, I don't move so there are no distracting movements (good) but it makes me look boring. As I said, if people had seen me speak like this when I was running for council, I don't think I would have got in.

Voice quality:
STRENGTHS: "Potential for fully rounded voice is there" NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "but must work on full projection to get this though"
Yes. I speak. I don't strain my voice. I just speak, like I'm talking normally. I prefer things to be on the personal basis.

OTHERS
STRENGTHS: "Very fluent" NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "Focus more on expression and projection"
Very helpful analysis.

So speech training today was a success. We'll be having another 2 sessions on Friday and Saturday so meanwhile we're supposed to work on a speech about something we're passionate about when we come in Friday morning. No prizes for guessing what I'm going to talk about. AAA Guild. -thinks of expounding on the whole history and hierarchy i.e. FAQ haha. Thinks I'll bore everyone though... or will I?- Anyway, it's a 3-5 minute speech. Cool.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, May 28, 2002 09:21 p.m.

Council done. Student Council done. News not done. Don't feel like. Will do blogs now.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, May 27, 2002 10:17 p.m.

This holiday is looking up. At least I can take the opportunity to catch up on the work I've been missing and do the things that I really want to do. Even though I've been busy so far, I still like the way things are going. At least I feel more in control.

Went out with Xin Yi today. An enjoyable day. I really appreciate her for being my best friend. You rock, Xin Yi! We had a great time walking around Orchard Road. Started off the day meeting at Clementi MRT Station, then going to Orchard Road to eat at Long John Silver's at Cathay Cineleisure (even though we had quite a little bit of trouble finding the place). Afterward, we managed to walk around Takashimaya and Wisma Atria. Went to $1.99 shop first (like the miserly person I am) but didn't manage to find a good wallet. Managed to get a nice OP wallet though... on offer at $12.80 and branded too. Xin Yi got some cool body foam. Took a nice swig of Ultimate Ice-Blended. Spent dinner at the food court. Xin Yi got quite pissed at someone for taking up our seat when we had got there first, and didn't really enjoy dinner because it was too oily and greasy, as well as not filling. We were not exactly hungry. Met Mrs. Baddiley, my English Literature teacher. I know a lot of people don't like her, but I'm one of few who do like her. She's nice. Said hi to her and her husband, but went off having this strange feeling of trepidation that left me numb to a lot of things, unable to think and feel. I wonder why. Although we went on the wrong train later, we had a great time chatting together, talking about things that mean a lot to both of us, and things that we would only tell each other. It isn't everyday that you go out with your best friend, and I believe today was well spent.

Tomorrow- Speech Training (Council). I should spend the rest of the day doing holiday homework. Want to finish it as soon as possible so I can get started on revising for Block Tests.

Will finish up AAA guild council work tonight hopefully. Perhaps I can even do some blogging tonight as in, get up to date on what's going on with my fellow bloggers. Haven't had the time to read other people's blogs but must keep up to date with my own blog.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, May 27, 2002 08:11 p.m.

Will try to finish all online business by today. Already spent last night doing it. Must not waste too much time. Will go out with Xin Yi later (yay!) and Chooi Mei Wednesday (yay!). a1's album will be coming out this week (yay!). This holiday is looking up... *Reminder to self to STUDY*

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, May 27, 2002 10:02 a.m.

It�s strange that sometimes you are happy and sometimes you are sad. It�s at these moments that I wonder whether the happiness I get in life is worth the sadness. I don�t feel like smiling now. It�s not full-fledged depression, just a twinge of sadness I guess, that comes from knowing that things may not always be good, and sometimes it�s not only the people around you that disappoint you, and you disappoint yourself.

Seriously, I�m disgusted with myself, mainly on De Wen�s account. He told me he was pissed off yesterday when I humiliated him in front of people. Then I got pissed off because I don�t like being criticised. But I�ve been reflecting as I always do on things. He does have reason to be pissed off I guess. I�m frustrated that I did that, a thing that seemed totally harmless to me, but pissed him off. I�m frustrated that I did not notice that he was pissed off. I�m frustrated that I did something wrong. I�m frustrated that even when he told me that I didn�t apologize. The thing is, I�m sometimes immensely selfish, and when it comes to hurt, I need to settle my own hurt before I can go on to care about others. It isn�t often when I can comfort people when there�s something wrong with me, and this night I couldn�t apologize, couldn�t say anything to him, because I had to first settle the hurt that was inside me. It wasn�t his fault at all, but I made it seem like it was in the end, by moving away, because I needed to settle my feelings.

I can�t pretend to be happy when I�m not, and even though I was genuine in my last few entries, I�m not at all happy now. I�m really bothered, but I can�t talk at the moment to people. Somehow I�ll just burst into tears again. Perhaps I should just sort out my thoughts as I type and hope that everything will go away. I wish there was someone beside me to just pat me on the back and say things are ok, but De Wen never gets that part right, and I guess I shouldn�t expect that from him, and I�m having a few problems with some other friends as well, even without them knowing it.

My father just argued with me about me not reporting my wallet again. As if I have the time. I did try, but the police station moved. Sometimes when he gets totally parental about these matters, I think �if only you knew� and it makes things worse. I hate it when he blames everything on council, and talks as if I can skip council if I�m sick, and skip council if there are more urgent personal matters to attend to, such as losing my wallet. I hate it when people don�t see council the way I do. It�s a lot more commitment, and obligation. You don�t just go when you want to. I admit I�ve skipped morning briefings sometimes if I have a lot of work at home to do, or if I�m late for morning briefing and don�t want to get points added to my record, but I still believe I�m quite responsible to council. I try to help, and I try to put in effort. And I do care a lot about the image I portray to people in general.

Did ushering today. Ushering gives me an opportunity to talk to De Wen when there are no people coming up at the moment, but today�s talk didn�t go well. I realise how much I mean to myself, being able to entertain and comfort myself by singing, quite like what I want things to go. I went into this discussion with him about the church, and I guess I shouldn�t have, because I was the one that touched on this sensitive topic first, and I ended up getting hurt. I guess that�s one of the reasons why people get irritated with him sometimes, he gets into this whole wise image and expounds on things that sometimes hurts, almost as if he�s dictating me how to run my life. I shouldn�t feel that way again. He has his own opinion, and I have mine. His opinion may be different from mine, so why on earth do I bother to find out the differing opinions anyway? Why do I argue? I guess in the midst of my depression, even if I�m on the road to recovery, I shouldn�t try to argue with people. I can see from the argument with my father just now just how I can break down with an argument. At this moment when my heart is still beginning to entertain shreds of happiness, the least I need it something to upset me, something which makes me crumble and wonder why all my efforts are in vain. Trust me, I�m trying to be happy.

I�m confused really. I still don�t trust him. Today he took my handphone and I was afraid that he would look at my messages and do something to my phone, though really he was trying to help me find a way to send messages to people. But today I looked at myself a few times and I just thought how much there is in me, how vulnerable I am, how much I would lose if I were hurt. I�m beginning to construct another barrier. I don�t trust guys. They don�t know enough. They don�t feel enough. And they don�t seem to think enough. I�m not trying to insult a whole gender here, I�m just withdrawing. I don�t want to be hurt because I know how sensitive I am. I don�t want to deny myself happiness. And I wonder if it was worth it, all the little pieces of happiness, for the amount of time and energy which I put into making this relationship work. Part of me regrets coming into this, but part of me knows it�s too late to change.

De Wen will probably get angry when he reads this. Who wouldn�t? There�s a lot to debate about this. I can just debate myself. But I know how I feel at the moment and I sympathise with myself. I know me. I am innocent, but I am mature. There are certain things I want but you can�t give. Either that, or I think you should notice them but you don�t. But who does anyway? The only people who notice are girls, and the only people who care seem to be girls. I know you do too, but there are things I can�t say, mainly because I believe you wouldn�t understand. You are on a totally different wavelength from me. But I sympathise with you somewhat. If you left me, I would pin the whole Ted Hughes thing on you.

Seriously, the wavelength thing. I can�t talk to you about the things that really matter because I always feel you�re trying to put me down. I can�t get any form of a hug from you because you don�t feel confident about that issue yet, and I don�t blame you. I can�t relate to you because you�re not up there, thinking what I�m thinking. There aren�t many people who are there yet, and I guess I can�t expect you to be, especially since I�m not able to give you what you need. But things are a lot more than you just see on the surface.

More narration. My mother came back from England. Got me quite a few items including a Baroque collection (really thoughtful), a porcelain pig (which didn�t look very nice but I still appreciate the thought), a nice blue necklace (now that�s what I call cool) and white socks (? You go all the way to the UK to get white socks?!). Not a bad set of gifts, if you ask me, even though I didn�t exactly feel in the mood to thank her for what she gave. And Chooi Mei, my mother went all over London and Paris to find Legolas, and all she could find was a Legolas figurine in a toy shop in London, the last figurine in fact. Do you want it? It�ll cost you $27 though. Apparently my mother thought you asked her for it, even though it was actually me. You don�t have to get it though if you don�t want to.

I�m sad. And no one�s there to comfort me.

There�s something else I want to say but I can�t think what exactly now. Maybe I�ll post another entry later.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, May 26, 2002 10:01 p.m.

Am up now getting some more mail downloaded to my inbox for reading later. Just woke up to abuse from my dad again. Yes I call that abuse. No one deserves to be woken up at 7.30a.m. and repeatedly in the morning to a frustrated face when technically the time we set off for church is 9a.m. And aren't I used to waking up and getting ready? Why do you have to set a time for me for everything? It's my life.

My dad is back. Don't know when he came back in the middle of the night but he's back. My mother will be back soon too. I don't know if I should be glad. I'm not. I appreciate the freedom I've been given during the holidays. I just don't feel my parents can let go of me yet and it's quite frustrating when they 'show their love for me' in the strangest ways e.g. scolding me about the most trivial matters. Perhaps they have something on their mind but I still don't deserve this.

Anyway I'm not too bitter about it. Have learnt to handle such things. Will go downstairs for breakfast now. Though goodness knows what breakfast is downstairs. Happens when you don't have a mother for 2 weeks to go grocery shopping.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, May 26, 2002 08:59 a.m.

The past few days have been really strange. First I�m depressed, then I pick up somewhat. Then I�m depressed again, and then I start to feel like I�m on the road to recovery.

I don�t know if things will last. Right now things are pretty good. I�m not depressed for certain, and I�m happier than I�ve been in a long time. At least now in class, I don�t naturally sit and mope in a corner. I smile a lot more, and laugh at jokes. I enjoy lessons instead of dread them. Yes, on Wednesday I missed school, but that only served to make me a lot better, emotionally and physically.

I�ve been restructuring my lifestyle somewhat. Perhaps it helps that council is not as busier as it was the week of Investiture. At least now I can do things more relaxedly and feel as if there is much more to life than work. At least now I can enjoy Newsweek, to do what I love most (reading), and not just spending endless nights in school working.

It�s not that I don�t like it. I don�t mind all these activities. Why, just this morning I went to school for the faculty committee interviews, took a little dinner with De Wen, and then went for ELDDFS production ushering. Yes, it may be busy, but no, I didn�t rush, yes, I slept in (woke up at 10+), something I haven�t done in ages, and yes, my parents weren�t home. It helps when I don�t have to answer to them if I stay out late. I answer to myself. I make choices. I take control of my life.

There have been some problems with De Wen recently. I guess they were always prevalent, but I perhaps I want to sort things out now, when I can think relatively clearly and calmly about everything. Just Thursday night, because council was postponed to Friday, I was free to go to watch the ELDDFS production (�How the Other Half Loves�) dress rehearsals at The Chinese High Drama Centre. It didn�t impress me, because I didn�t laugh much, because I didn�t fully appreciate the play, because I was angry with De Wen. I guess I shouldn�t have been. Because I�m me, I notice certain things about him which I don�t like. He talks too fast, is unclear, and has a deep voice. It irritates just because I�m me. But I shouldn�t blame him because he�s him. He has certain habits too, and I notice them because I�m me. But I shouldn�t blame him because he�s him. Now I�m not going to go into a whole CRITIQUE OF DE WEN up here, because (1) It�s embarrassing for him, (2) It�s disrespectful to him, (3) Which person wants a whole list of their bad points up here. The thing is, what I don�t like about him is quite superficial. I�ll state a few just to make my point, but let me add that that is purely my reaction to him. I guess what he is stands alone, but it is how I react to what he is that matters. I don�t like the fact that he has an ego, a really big one, but who hasn�t, and who wants someone moaning about their imperfections anyway? I don�t like the fact that he is insensitive to my needs sometimes, but hey, he can�t know everything there is to know about me, right? Some people just miss how others feel.

But besides all these supposed imperfections, he really is a sweet guy, and this I must admit. He has some initiative. He does things like waste bars of battery forming your name with a snake on his handphone, he buys dinner for you when you don�t expect it, and doesn�t expect you to return the money, he doesn�t bother to return mock insults because he doesn�t want to hurt you, he avoids doing things because he doesn�t want to hurt you, and even if he forgets you for a moment, he does remember in the end. And all this means a lot. Yes, when he says �I love you� I don�t really react sometimes, because I don�t want to go too deep too soon, and I feel weird saying things like that out loud, especially when I don�t even say these to my family, but I have this to say, I do appreciate him, and I love him too.

Thanks to Xin Yi anyway for her counselling. I messaged her during the rehearsals from a pressing need to talk, and she responded, albeit after a while, to which I left the room and poured my heart out to her. Thanks for listening, thanks for asking me to wait this out instead of just getting a break-up there and then, and thanks for being the best friend that you are.

Watched the choir concert Patchworks. Was only able to catch the second part due to council 1st General Meeting, which was a pity, because the first part looked really great from the program booklet, but I understood that I wasn�t the only one missing out on it. Hai Han (Vice-President) was also present at Patchworks, and so were quite a few councillors. I will be paying $15 for the ticket, which they didn�t even check, but De Wen brought up a good point. It�s a charity concert for Grace Haven after all, and I can take the chance to help out a worthy cause.

Watched the LD (ELDDFS) play after ushering. Was able to catch up on what I missed when I didn�t enjoy the show the first time around, and this time I really appreciated the show. It was a really good comedy, and I found myself thinking about the elements of comedy, something we learnt during English Literature class. To think just today I was wondering why I was taking English Literature, and whether it was actually a good idea to take Arts in the first place. I think it was, though I really wish I was given a shot at History. It�s a pity I have only to take Geography and English Literature now. Given a choice, and a reasonable shot at an A at the subject, I would have taken History too. But I�m intending on majoring in Geography next time, and Hwa Chong doesn�t offer a 5-subject combination. The layman says, �You can�t have everything at one go�. The economist says, �There is an OPPORTUNITY COST�. Adapted from Mrs. Thong, my Economics tutor and lecturer.

Will be going online later to check my mail. I�m sure there will be a lot of council mail, so I won�t read it for the moment, but following possible changes to my job scope as Avenging Angel, I have decided to stick out council. Given my present positive mindset, I hope I can cope with what is to come. I will send the following mail to the council. Isn�t it strange that just today I was thinking of sending in my resignation letter?

Dear all,

I'm sorry I had to abruptly leave you all early this week. Thanks Chooi Mei for letting anyone know about it. I've been having a lot of problems lately, concerning school and home, and I've had absolutely no time and energy to be involved with this council. I'm sorry, and I hope that things will straighten out as I learn to manage my time well and restructure my whole lifestyle.

This was a much needed break, and I'm back trying to work things out again. Will be reading all the mails in my inbox and keeping up with whatever I've been owing.

Thanks for your understanding, and I'm looking forward to working with you again.

Esther

Sometimes I don�t know if I�m taking on too much, but still I�m going to drop Sunday School and Youth Choir soon. Not only because it�s a lot of commitment, but also because I feel I can make more friends in another church. I�m still exploring a transfer. Sometimes I just need a change of environment. Yes, Nanyang girls are cool. I am getting to know more of them only in Hwa Chong though, and I really appreciate what Hwa Chong has to offer. I�m glad I changed my environment, even if I really had to, and I�m glad I chose Hwa Chong. Now I hope my change in church is for the better, and that the new church will be better. I really want to join choir though. Singing gives me joy.

But what gives me joy? I guess it�s doing what I like. Being able to make choices, to be with people I enjoy being with, to do things like reading. Yes, maybe I�ll still not have enough time for television, but if I get enough sleep and food, as well as a good dosage of other leisure activities, I�m contented. I just hope this will last.

Holidays have begun. As usual the homework is coming. But the prospect of an entire holiday filled with council now thrills more than daunts. I�m glad there�s council to look forward to, all the great people there are there, and all the fun things we do. I�m glad there still are days where I�m totally free. I hope then I�ll make good use of time. Hopefully the holidays will be able to help me get more integrated into my proposed new lifestyle, so that I�ll never have to go back into depression again. This week was mad, with 3 bouts of depression (including two crying episodes in my GP tutor�s office) but what came out of it is, and hopefully still will be, something good.

God bless.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, May 26, 2002 01:01 a.m.

Feeling a lot better physically and emotionally. Sometimes it helps when there are friends around and when I don't go to school for a day. I wonder why I used to view everyone else as mere mortals, incapable of understanding me. They are actually the people that support me the most and give me the kind of strength I need to even be alive now.

Met Chooi Mei online this morning and told her a bit about my problems. She brought up a good point about rearranging my commitments. It's strange that sometimes different people touch on the same point and yet it can be one point from one person that touches me finally when the same idea from another person doesn't touch me. I guess that's why someone can pray for 50 years for another's salvation. You never know when a person can be touched.

I'm trying to work things out, following my GP tutor's advice to stop looking so much at the big picture, and to reward myself for certain small steps I take. For example, I managed to complete the minutes today, and am relatively proud of the final product, and I handed up my GP comprehension today too. I will try to do my Maths tutorial and GP exercise tonight before going to sleep relatively early. Tomorrow I will discuss my overdue work with my Geography and Chinese tutors. Hopefully they will understand my situation and that we will come to a compromise without any disciplinary action taken. I don't want a CS to add 30 points to my council record especially when I've tried so hard to get a clean record. Besides council points are accumulative.

Sent out smses to the rest of PubCo. Now am chatting to a few friends online just as I type out this blog. I realise my attitude towards the evening and night is cool (c.f. 'I'm cool' by De Wen). I'm not really feeling any stress at the moment. Hopefully this feeling will continue. At least I get to do certain things I enjoy (e.g. blogging and chatting) without the pressure of tons of homework awaiting me because I am trying not to blow the situation up and making a mountain out of a molehill of homework.

Read Ailin's blog today. I think she's a lot like me. I can relate to a lot of the things she's said. Cheer up Ailin. I realise that it's not just me who's depressed. There are a lot of other people out there who need comfort too. I encourage people to see my GP tutor/anyone whom they feel comfortable with or a school counsellor if they need to. Did you (as in all readers) know that teachers actually are given the opportunity to go for counselling courses? But friends do matter. Friends care. Friends support. And friends won't hate you because of the things you confide in them about.

To everyone who has said a kind word to me or done anything in any way big or small for me: I love you and appreciate you so much. God bless you.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, May 22, 2002 09:56 p.m.

Am crying now. I think it's another severe case of depression. Have been crying more than 5 times since yesterday after school.

Objectively speaking I feel I'm trying to do too much so much so I don't even have something resembling a life anymore. Look, if I end at 5.05p.m., have council from 7-10p.m. and come home at midnight, how am I supposed to do my homework and catch up on missed lessons? How am I supposed to be even in the right frame of study when I don't get enough sleep? Even if I don't have council, by the time I go to dinner and come back home, it's 9? If a friend calls me and we talk, it's 10 and I also have to sleep. I'm owing my teachers a lot of work and I find no way of completing this work.

I'm seriously sick. Was quite depressed just now when my father refused to believe I am sick. That's the reason I came to school on Monday even though I was close to fainting. People don't believe. They see you absent for Council and LD and then absent some more and they start to wonder if you're missing lessons on purpose. Sometimes people just don't stop to think how often is it exactly that I've been sick. Yes, quite a few times this term and last term, but not exactly a lot. The last time I stayed home from school was 2 weeks ago I believe.

I'm confused with my life. I actually intended to come up here and post a way to die. I was seriously thinking of suicide just now and finally concluded that an overdose of tablets seems like the most peaceful way to die. Life just doesn't seem to have any meaning anymore. Granted I'm lucky. I'm in a prestigious college and in a prestigious CCA and have so many friends that mean so much to me and care so much for me. But I also have no time to do anything. It's been ages since I actually sat down to watch tv, listen to music and sit down with a great book. I don't even have the time to read magazines and newspapers. I don't have the time to play the piano and violin or surf the Internet. I am forced to suspend my AAA council activities because I'm so totally stressed out as it is. And I feel like I'm being observed. Some people like my GP tutor and Mrs. Lim (school counsellor) know about my depression.

Was talking to my GP tutor yesterday. As usual I ended up crying throughout the whole thing. She just hit on all the right points. It wasn't on my initiative that I saw her really. I went to see her to return her an extra GP bulletin. My GP tutor is quite smart I might say. She actually noticed I was wearing a coat as a sign of depression. I was really shocked at that discovery. Then she sat me down to talk about things, resulting in me not going out with Xin Yi today. Actually, somehow that counselling session had its bad points too. For one thing, I wasn't really that depressed as I am now. I guess she just hit on all the things that made me depressed and now I'm thinking about everything in a much clearer perspective.

De Wen called just now. Made me cry again because I was forced to think about my depression. Appreciated his call though. Sometimes I feel I can't give anything to those who give so much to me. What can I do?

My heart is wrenching at the moment. I look like a total madwoman, semi-conscious and bleary-eyed, yet looking at the screen seemingly with one purpose. My eyes are not looking away. And my sprained hand seems to not take note of the sprain. It's typing non-stop. Does it matter? Does anything matter?

Need a big hug now from people who care but I fear I will cry if I get one.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, May 22, 2002 09:49 a.m.

Been reading up on why people become anorexic. The reasons are much deeper than people thinking they are fat. This site is highly interesting: http://members.tripod.com/~MarciaD/ and I feel strangely related to it. I may just go anorexic.

People care but I don't feel the care even if I know it. I can't stand people being angry with me because I feel too much. And that's breaking me apart because everyone including myself is angry with me. I can't survive with my own self-anger let alone someone else being angry with me.

It hurts badly.

Don't blame me if I snap at all of you. I'm just very upset and sinking into depression...again...and I thought I pulled out of this...again.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, May 20, 2002 09:56 p.m.

The last bad thing that got me so upset that made me want to type out this blog was the fact that I came home to the entire household watching tv, and being glued to it. Even my maid was sitting enjoying herself, and she didn�t even bother to open the door for me until much later, and even then she was still half with the show. When I was walking upstairs, I could hear her asking my brother what happened to the boy (in the show, I presume). This may seem selfish but for a person who doesn�t get the opportunity to watch tv (among life�s other pleasures), watching others enjoy themselves in this way isn�t exactly cool.

Yes, I am upset, and angry too. I�m upset with life in general, and angry with most of the people around me. I�m angry with De Wen, because he doesn�t know me well enough, and angry with my classmates for certain behaviour. Sometimes I feel I�m above everyone else in terms of good behaviour (e.g. loyalty, diligence, righteousness) but I still feel I�m not good enough. It�s just that sometimes the standard of the normal person appals me. I mean, if I bothered to pass you an excuse letter, shouldn�t you inform the teacher of my excused absence instead of getting the teacher pissed off that I SKIPPED her lesson and then questioning me later? I mean, it�s not my fault that I�m skipping lessons because of council right? I�m already missing LD today and tomorrow because (a) I�m too sick to work, nearly fainted in school today, (b) I need to catch up on my lessons, even though they didn�t exactly help much because I wasn�t in the right frame of mind to study.

Feel really vulnerable. Don�t want to be bullied and fear that I may be bullied. Feel like crying at the moment. Sometimes people just don�t understand how much they hurt me, or is it I who have hurt myself? Shall go and bathe and go to sleep now, and wake up at 5a.m. tomorrow to work. Don�t want to keep not doing assignments.

Pretty much went through school in a daze. Morning assembly was bad, as I said I nearly fainted, but thankfully I had a chance to rest in the sick bay during P.E., although as usual no one knew I was in the sick bay (now all the teachers probably think I skip their lessons without excuse). ARGH!!!

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, May 20, 2002 09:54 p.m.

Am posting this short blog before I go for Set Painting. Don't want to be late.

I'm sick. This time it's obvious I'm physically sick. I sat through the String Ensemble Concert (Inspirations II) sneezing away and believe it or not, just yesterday alone I used up 4 packets of tissue paper. Which reminds me that I've got to stock up on tissue paper. Wonders if the paint today will have any adverse effects on my health.

My head feels bad as well and I'm coughing. Poor De Wen had to go through the torture of sitting alongside a sick person throughout the whole concert, walking with a sick person everywhere and eventually allowing me to go home instead of going out more. I was so sick I went up the bus (which I ran for, so thankfully I reached home a little earlier than expected) and slept, and went home, did all the necessary washing up and went straight to bed.

Wonders if I will still be sick on Monday. Thinks it's most likely. If so, I might get a Sick Bay pass for most of the day. Don't want to skip school because I've skipped a lot of Monday lessons due to a lot of events. It's been ages since I stepped into Human Geography lecture and tutorial and judging from the reaction of my GP tutor to me missing her lessons, my Geography teacher will not be very happy if I missed her lesson again. Sometimes unless you see it for yourself you won't believe a person is sick, and it's not like I'm her favourite student, though people believe she's not biased.

Used my nasal spray for the very first time. What a disgusting piece of medicine! I didn't feel like using it again even though the first time wasn't that successful. With my father's help, I managed to figure out that one is supposed to insert the thing into one's nose and push the bottle up which will send a strong spray of medicine into the nose. I think I have to blow out my mucus first or should I not before I insert the spray in? It doesn't seem to work much.

My throat feels dry. Has been feeling dry all night and yesterday too. Think it's because I'm sick because I did drink a cup of coke yesterday at dinner. De Wen offered to get me a drink on the way home but I declined because I so badly wanted to get home. Sigh... Then I came home to no usual bottle of water because my maid gives me my bedside bottle of water (which I rarely touch anyway) quite late at night.

Well, got to go now. Will TRY to update about the past events that I've missed. It's hard though, what with Set Painting, Violin Practice, Violin Lesson, Homework and Church today. I'm going for the evening service because of Set Painting. Yes, I have to type out the Minutes for tomorrow's PubCo formal too. So I will be a very busy person today. But on which day am I not a busy person?

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, May 19, 2002 08:43 a.m.

Things are looking up. Sure...I'm faced with a fair share of sad things but I don't seem as depressed as before. I still think about the things that matter to me though.

Have been really busy lately and tired too. Today was good in a sense that I can finally sleep before 10. Have been coming home close to midnight for the last two days because of the Investiture rehearsal. Thankfully Investiture has finally ended. A first event gone and done and now I'm officially a councillor.

Yes...I was staring at my council badge all bright and shiny. What a nice badge it is and a pity that I'll only get to wear it one year and perhaps never see it again. A pity the council badge is not like the normal school badge in that you don't get to keep it. Looking at the seniors take off their council badges as a symbol of their stepping down was quite sad. In fact today some of the seniors and juniors (me included) cried during the touching moments of seeing the seniors perform an item together for the last time. Even when Zhao Wei was pinning the badge on me I could scarcely speak, afraid that I would cry. Sigh...15 more minutes to 10 and I'm tired so I'll go to sleep now and leave more blogging for tomorrow hopefully.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Thursday, May 16, 2002 09:40 p.m.

Have 51 mails mostly from council but you bet I'm not going to read them now! They're mails in just 1 account...

Shared a bathroom with a cockroach tonight. It kept perfectly still so I didn't bother it even though I was feeling extremely wary. Should sharpen my claws and maybe my teeth. *Grins wickedly at De Wen. Am I freaking ya out?

Drinking coke...again. Considers grinning again at De Wen but decides not to. I just may be a sugar addict, but I never found out because I gave up reading that 'Are you a sugar addict?' article in the doctor's office for the one about sex. Opportunity cost.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, May 15, 2002 01:05 a.m.

Thank God for:

Giving me the strength to type this even though I'm really exhausted now.

Helping me thank Him. It's true I'm starting to view things in His perspective.

Helping me forgive myself for certain mistakes I made e.g. being rude to my GP tutor today without meaning it. She didn't show any reaction though.

*Important* Even though I left the school past 11.20p.m. I still managed to reach Jurong East Interchange in time to get a bus home so that I didn't have to walk the long way home in the dark. I really appreciated it. Was getting a bit freaked out. Victoria and I actually screamed on our way to the bus stop outside the school because we were so stressed and I was stupid enough to suggest something scary. Actually took a less-travelled road, 154 to Clementi MRT station and a train to Jurong East MRT station, and then a bus home. Considering I took so many transfers and still reached home before 12 that was pretty amazing. Was praying throughout the walk home because I was scared.

For giving me loads of good friends.

For giving me a nice comfortable bed because I'm going to sleep now. Thankfully I have an excuse not to do Geography Tutorial (at least to myself, if not to my tutor). I left my entire Geography file in my locker. *Grins at De Wen again. PS: Did I ever say how amazing Bianca is? After 5 people's vetting of the program booklet, she actually spotted a few mistakes as she leafed through the book. Wow.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, May 15, 2002 12:58 a.m.

Early Wednesday now. I just returned home, took a bath and now am waiting for my hair to dry. It��s nice being in warm comfortable clothes in a nice bedroom instead of sticky and tired like I was only a few minutes ago.

Yes, the program booklets for the Investiture got messed up. That means we overshot our budget and have to pay the remainder out of our own pockets. That also meant that we had to make major changes to the booklets. Since I am pretty good with the keyboard (i.e. can type pretty fast), I did the typing. Yexiang and Junhao were thanking me for staying back, but I feel that it��s my duty and pleasure to stay back. If I didn��t, it would be one less person on the job and a longer stay in the council room. Which now reminds me of what Mrs. Ang said at the beginning, that if one person slacks, it means that someone else is doing his/her share. How true.

I must wow Victoria over here. She not only helped out with the program booklets but also the boards, and she volunteered to do some printing on the computer at home (by the time she reached home it would have been close to midnight). Considering how tired I was (I was yawning), for her to even consider doing some work is really a big deal. I��m amazed, and I��m proud of her. Sharon was also very helpful, not only offering to help, but also putting in a lot of effort. In fact, throughout our work tonight, the four of us (including Yexiang) didn��t slack one bit, I believe, but worked non-stop. I think that��s how things should be. I��m really happy with the way things are progressing. Aishu was quite upset that she messed the program booklets up since she was in charge of it, but then again, we can��t exactly blame her. It��s her first time at the job, and she tried her best, spending her whole weekend on it. I was amazed at the product in the first place. Granted, there were mistakes, but for a first attempt it was pretty great. She just shouldn��t have gone and printed all the program booklets, but instead should have sent the mastercopy for vetting by the ExCo before proceeding further.

I��m tired. I actually told myself I would sleep before 10 from now on, but look at the time I��m home! Never mind, I will try to sleep before 10 as much as possible so that I��ll hopefully catch up on sleep. Perhaps I will try to make better use of the mornings, breaks and travelling time to do my homework. My GP tutor asks me to slow down, but can I really? There��s so much to do and so little time to do it. Yexiang asked me today if I ever regretted joining council. I have this to say. After putting in so much effort into council, and bonding with everyone here, I don��t see myself leaving, but sometimes I do feel disheartened, especially when there is suddenly an emergency meeting for council or something I have to attend to related to council that clashes with my other commitments. Sure, perhaps if I��m free I won��t mind. But I��m always busy. Still, I must say the work here is rewarding. And whether people notice it or not, I have learnt so much just from being here, and even though I do complain now and then, my heart is with council.

I felt sad and stressed out early this morning because I was rushing my work, and because I didn��t have a clear mind, I couldn��t think out Lit. straight. Thankfully, I managed to finish my Lit. during Maths. Lecture, and later, when I chatted to Xueling and took lunch (first lunch in ages) with my classmates, I felt a lot better. Even before Chinese, I was invited to go to The Chinese High School to drink Bubble Tea with Serene. Sometimes I wonder why my friends still like and support me so much after how I��ve treated them. To think I view them as mere mortals. They offer an encouragement I can never give to others. Perhaps it��s because they feel, and I��m too selfish and absorbed in my own little world to feel.

De Wen actually slipped a letter into my locker today! That was so sweet and full of initiative! De Wen, I��m really pleased and proud of you. �� I nearly missed it in my haste, but thankfully I managed to get hold of it. It brought a smile to my face then, especially the last line, ��I love you.�� I am touched. Later, my GP tutor came to me after lesson and asked me if I was alright. I wish I could develop a friendship with some adults, including my GP tutor. I think adults really have a lot to share, a wealth of experiences to offer and much advice to give. Besides, I actually open my heart to talk to her. Well, I usually open my heart, but not this open. If De Wen needs some encouragement, it��s that he knows a lot more about me than other people do, and that I feel more inclined to talk to him if I have a problem. And that��s the way it should be, right?

Council tomorrow. 7a.m. to finish up the program booklets, 7.15a.m. morning briefing. Council immediately after school. Should end late, but hopefully earlier, since we won��t have to stay back after others have left to tie up loose ends. All loose ends have to be tied up by evening. 6.45p.m. council meeting.

Came back late tonight to a frowning father. �� In fact, he sounded quite pissed off with me when I called him up in the evening to tell him I��d be back home very late. What can I do about it? Yes, it��s my choice in that I chose to stay back late. But it��s not my choice in that I have an obligation to stay and help. Still, I thankfully managed to ignore him and keep my cool. Getting influenced by De Wen, huh? Haha�K Can��t let myself be more stressed than I already am. Leon commented that I looked stressed as I left the council room, even though I had absolutely no intention of showing it. Such things do show, huh?

Was just thinking. Never actually praised Yexiang but I have to do so here. I admire him. He not only attends ExCo meetings and therefore has a busy life, but also has to cope with his studies. And he tells me he feels demoralised during F. Maths classes and agrees that he��s rushing his homework. Yet, he manages to keep his cool while he supervises our work (he has to be the last to leave even when we stay back to work and has to take responsibility for our entire committee). Today he got a thrashing from ExCo because of the program booklet, and I know he felt very bad about it. Wish I could comfort him somewhat but because I can��t feel, what can I say? Must also take the opportunity to praise Ailin and Lin Hai for banner, especially Ailin (and for buying the blouse too, thank you!) and Sharon, Lin Hai and Chin Siong for doing the signs leading to the Auditorium (which reminds me what I was busy after Chinese about too). Alanna was also nice today. �� Can��t believe a person as mature, busy and popular as her would bother to mix with a person like me, shy at communication (seriously!), trying to act cute, and etc. etc. Hope she doesn��t get the hint though (*winks at De Wen).

Tired but will go online. Love all people who care about me. Yes, I was suicidal today but�K

*hopes Dad doesn��t come in while I��m online at what�K1a.m.?!

PS: De Wen got broadband! What a lucky guy�Kcongrats! *looks at you with envy* Wish I didn��t have to be so stingy about my online hours. Wonders if Chooi Mei finally got the cable she so wanted and is curious about what Alanna has.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, May 15, 2002 12:57 a.m.

Sigh�I actually typed out a little of the blog already (3 paragraphs) but it got deleted. I will not be upset by that.

Managed to finish file-packing, which is indeed quite an enormous task if you ask me. Managed to lug the files to school too, even though my fingers were red and smarting and I was feeling extremely tired and looking that too. At least I have some order in my life though. I need organisation. It�s a pity I didn�t get to do a lot of other things but I�m proud to say I didn�t waste the whole day away.

Went to the doctor�s today (left the files in the library so I wouldn�t have to lug them all the way to the doctor�s office). He did a few routine tests, but the tests were really quite comprehensive compared to other doctors. I felt violated when he made me pull out my blouse so he could see my bare stomach and press all over it. It was ticklish. How does he expect me to breathe normally when he�s doing that too? But it was quite comfortable. Haha� My arm was still feeling the effects of the pressure in the pressure test though by the time I left the office.

Can you believe that my doctor�s bill amounts to $50.10? I can�t but I�d better. Thank God I brought a usual $30 (if you�re wondering why it�s so expensive on a normal day it�s because I go to Raffles Medical Group and I don�t see myself going anywhere else) and $20 (extravagantly so though) for dinner. I ended up being broke and having to rely on De Wen�s finances to survive through dinner. Which coincidentally, was my only meal for the day. Again. Unless you count the 3 Kit-Kat bars I ate before that as a reaction to hunger and boredom. But I don�t know hunger, do I? As I say, it�s all a matter of perspective.

De Wen got me angry today. I didn�t want to be, but it was a natural reaction that I could feel in my heart. I got a little breathless too, although I don�t know if it�s just psychological. What he did was look at me intently while I was sleeping. I guess I felt violated. Again. I don�t like people embarrassing me like that. Besides, I did warn him before that I didn�t want him looking at me. And he did. Sigh�but as my GP tutor says, I can�t impose my strict restrictions on others. Just because I would never be so irritating doesn�t mean I should expect others to be the same. But was he irritating because I feel he was irritating, or is he just being normal, just that my high standards make me feel he was irritating?

I always reflect after doing things, and after going out with De Wen, I always feel bad. It could be good news though, because I feel so comfortable with him I just let myself go, and stop imposing too strict regulations on myself. For example, I feel free to tease him and insult him. But I really feel when he looks pissed off. He has no idea that when he looks pissed off, I get really upset with myself. Perhaps it�s my strict standard of things again. I don�t know. I sometimes hate myself for doing certain things because I am much stricter with myself than with other people, but on the other hand I am my best friend to a certain extent because I protect myself. Or I try to.

I�m confused about the caring thing. If I care too much, I may be taken advantage of. But then again, that part will be repaid to me when I go to heaven. If I care too little, that�s bad too. Caring is a double-edge sword. Should I care too much?

Wanted to get a list of deadlines to meet and important events to take note of on the side of my blog just like Chooi Mei does, but decided that I�ve got too much to do that list will be too long to even write out. Thank God I don�t have a council meeting today after school, nor morning briefing tomorrow, even though I have morning briefing on Wednesday, and council after school tomorrow and Wednesday. At least I have some time to myself. I long for an Ultimate Ice-Blended Mocha.

Sometimes I feel I�m not doing enough for council. I ask around if people need help though. I think that�s the least I can do. I�m trying to fulfil all my duties. I guess I should be satisfied when I�ve met all the basic requirements. But my perfectionist thinking makes me think if I�m doing the bare minimum. Can someone explain this difference to me?

Thank God that I have 3 breaks tomorrow so I can use those to catch up on my work. Don�t know if I have time for meals now. Was so absorbed in my Chinese on the train ride home that I didn�t get De Wen�s joke when he said he would be angry if I don�t eat dinner tomorrow. Sigh�if only the work would stop. But I guess I�m having fun too. Work gives me a sense of accomplishment, as well as some sadness. I guess work is a double-edged sword. Is everything a double-edged sword? Is nothing as simple as it seems?

Since my brother�s on the Internet at the moment, I will do my Chinese for one hour before I go online to catch up on NeoPets work. Sigh�new changes in guild council. More work. Don�t really know the full specifications. Have to check the updated work list. I did have a chance to feedback though. Now if only my e-mail would send. I mentioned I was overworked. Hopefully someone will do something about it. I don�t expect any relieving of work, but I would really appreciate having less work to do. I mean who wouldn�t? It�s not because I want to slack, if anyone is trying to imply that, it�s because then I can spend my time on other things. Might do Lit. in the morning. Must save the breaks to catch up on GP and Economics which thankfully are after 2 breaks, even though Maths often eats into the first break. Will not do Maths tutorial. No time. Hope tutor will understand. Maybe he will when he sees my MC tomorrow. Finally an MC.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, May 13, 2002 09:20 p.m.

Stayed home from school today for a few reasons: (1) Woke up late and didn't want to get a black mark on my council record and PubCo's record, (2) Physically and mentally sick, (3) Got a whole lot of work to do!

Yes...A whole lot of work. I've been just about working the whole morning and I've managed to finish council mail, hotmail, blogs and half of my file-packing. Will go to sleep now (feel really tired). Hopefully I'll have time for NeoPets (including Grab Bags), and the other half of file-packing. Have lots of homework to do, from every single subject, but I think I will pack the files first. Maybe I will do Chinese and Lit too. They MUST be finished by tomorrow! Am going to see the doctor later and then will be going to school. Hope there's no council work to be done. Yexiang messaged me saying they might need me. Well, don't mind helping, in fact, enjoy helping, but De Wen's waiting for me to go out with him too, and because I'll be having night rehearsals for the Investiture on Tuesday and Wednesday, I'd better get my work done! I have to do Chinese and Lit because they are OWED homework. As for the others, well...

Tired. Legs ache. I remember from a previous doctor experience that if one's legs ache, something is wrong. Forgot what was that was though. No time to even check Chooi Mei's Livejournal for Personality Test updates. No time to do Alanna's personality tests. Sigh... *wonders when was the last time I actually sat down to watch tv or to curl up on my bed with a book*

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, May 13, 2002 11:05 a.m.

Haven�t blogged in a little while so I think I should catch up on this area. Of course I will have to do some NeoPets work too. Have been sleeping earlier than usual for the past couple of nights because I need my sleep and I�m not feeling well. Wonders if it�s merely a psychological thing or is it real? Still doubts the difference between what�s imaginary and what�s reality. As a matter of fact, I�m feeling quite tired now. What I would really like to do is just jump into bed and fall into a deep sleep. Alas, I cannot let that happen now because it�s only about 25 more minutes until I have to leave the house for violin lesson and I cannot be bothered to change and wash up to go to bed and then change back to go out.

Tinge of sadness bothering me but on the whole I�m still not depressed to the point of crying. I maintain counselling helps, even if the results are temporary. Who to blame? My GP tutor says it�s all up to me. If I�m not going to take her advice and want to help myself, there�s ultimately nothing she can do for me and nothing anyone can do for me. The thing is, I don�t really know what I want for myself. I�m confused here. I retreat back and forth in depression and hate it, but wonder if depression is good to a certain extent. Happiness seems a little shallow, methinks.

Friday. Pulled through about half of the day with a long face. Paid attention to all my lessons because I slept before 10p.m. the night before. Which reminds me that I have to blog on Thursday�s events too even though I�ve got nothing to blog. So there. All I remember about Thursday is going out with Xin Yi and then deciding not to go back to school to get my calculator back. Which in turn reminds me that De Wen still has my locker key. Which in turn reminds me that I owe Zinc (or is that her name?) her medal for the 16x200m race on Sports Day. Knows how these events connect together but doubts that anyone else reading this will understand.

Anyway, during break, I decided to go and see my GP tutor as I said earlier for counselling. Felt really upset the whole day because my group members during Project Work didn�t seem really serious and enthusiastic about the topic as I hoped they would be, and my CT tutor didn�t seem to care about my obvious depression. Why should he? I just felt depressed anyway. So I went to the 2nd floor staffroom in confusion. Should I or should I not see her? Turns out God supposedly made the decision for me. She wasn�t at her desk. With a thankful spirit (or partially thankful), I headed out of the door only to meet her face to face. Well well. Told her that I was looking for her as I had some problems and didn�t want to see the school counsellor. An outright, frank confession. She said ok and led me into the small room in the Head Of Department Staff Room.

Asked me along the way how I felt, and before we even entered the room I started crying. Yes, believe it or not. Later, we sat down side by side like during counselling sessions and I started crying even harder, sobbing for the rest of that period. She gave me encouragement, and I opened my heart to her, telling her about the problems I�ve experienced with my family and people around me. It was hard telling her though, because even though I wanted so much to tell her, my throat felt constricted and choked, and my nose was totally blocked. No matter how much I tried to blow my nose, the crying only got it stuck again. Not a very pleasant experience.

Either way, it�s strange that this huge ball of sadness around my chest just dispersed and I felt so much better after crying. We were a little late for GP (the period after break) and I helped her carry some worksheets to GP lesson. Met my CT tutor along the way. Thought he would see my face and be worried but my GP tutor said that I looked fine, showing no traces of the crying earlier.

Will tell you more about the incident Friday morning that provoked such an outburst. Wanted to tell Alanna that morning when she, surprisingly, passed me the letter book we shared. YAY! Unfortunately, she seemed a little busy, and I just couldn�t bring myself to tell her anyway. Told De Wen just a bit of what occurred before I went to watch the band performing. �Twas raining, so we didn�t have any flag-raising. Later, Wen Jie came over and sensed something wrong, but I refused to tell her. Seriously though, I�m getting quite irritated with Wen Jie. Depends on me too much and whines, which I can�t sympathise with in my own misery. Still, I guess she�s what she is and she�s entitled to her own fair share of problems and upsets too, so what can I say? What to do?

Morning. Was late for school. Went to Dad�s room to grab a handphone battery since my handphone only had one bar of battery left (or was it two?) and wouldn�t last the whole day. No time to change the battery, and the present handphone battery was not fully used up, so I took both batteries. There was one more left though, but my dad actually woke up from his slumber and went all the way downstairs blurry-eyed to demand my return of the battery, which resulted in me getting angry because I was already late and there he was accusing me of being inconsiderate. I used a really fed-up tone when talking to him, which provoked further insults and scoldings, and mounted into a huge argument between us, ending with him cursing me as he went upstairs, lamenting my increasing rudeness, which got me upset as I left the house. Ended up crying on the bus. Smsed De Wen on the bus. Forgot what he said. Closed my eyes to keep the tears from spilling out but they spilt out anyway. Benjamin (this squash player) was sitting beside me all the way. Hope he didn�t see me crying.

De Wen knew I was sad but couldn�t do anything for me because I wouldn�t let him. Anyway, it was much better after the second counselling later in the day(yes, I went for another counselling session after school, skipping Chinese). It was P.E. actually. The girls refused to change and I wasn�t feeling well, so in the end some of the girls had to help out Mrs. Patricia Low with her records, while the rest of us were dismissed to do our own studying. Read the new model CS essay that was being put up and decided to go for counselling, which resulted in me missing Chinese. Actually my GP tutor asked me to see her after school but I saw her during this period of time anyway, and ended even later than normal school dismissal time. I think De Wen was worried because Roger (his good friend) messaged him to tell him I didn�t come for Chinese. Which reminds me I have to rush my Chinese homework and explain my absence to my teacher soon. Will tell her the truth. What�s the use in lying?

One of the things I touched on, and which my teacher was amazingly able to counsel me on, was the whole idea about perfection. I guess I agree with what she says about perfection being a matter of perspective. What is my perspective of perfection? I think it means doing 4 As and 3 �S� papers, topping the school, and getting scholarships. I didn�t really think much about feelings because I�ve been hurt before, and hurt many times, and I don�t want to be hurt again. But then again, if I really allow the hurt feelings to prolong and affect my whole outlook of life, won�t the other party have succeeded in hurting me? Perhaps I should treasure the friendships I have and do my utmost to make them work. I know I�m lucky in terms of the people who care for me. Perhaps my parents may not show that they care, or violence may be my dad�s way of showing his care for me. What daughter comes home late at night and is seen less than half a minute a day? What daughter always looks depressed? What daughter always argues with him? Actually, if I may really consider carefully, yes, he shouts at me in the short time that we see each other, but don�t I shout back? Aren�t I shouting too? Don�t I understand that he has had a long day too? Perhaps when I see his perspective I may change my view about things.

I shared quite a bit about this topic during Sunday School. My teacher said, yes, the world indeed is imperfect but isn�t this imperfection what makes us hold on to God? You know, I don�t exactly remember what my teachers have said, but they really make me think of things. I guess trusting in God is what makes us survive in such a bad world. Knowing that God will right wrongs and that only by believing in him and following him can we truly attain perfection is what counts. I remember my Sunday School teacher asking me today what a Christian�s perfection is. My perception may be wrong. When I talk about educational perfection, I�m doing for my glory, not God�s glory. A Christian�s main goal in life is to serve God, and to follow him. Am I doing that? What have I been doing so far, when I train myself to follow rules and do the right thing? I haven�t been doing it for God�s glory. I just feel that it�s right. I just feel that it�s perfect. But do I want to be an angel who speaks wise words, as my GP tutor touched on? I�m a human, and I�ll always stay a human. Furthermore, today�s Bible study touched on deeming each other better than oneself. I asked if esteeming others better than myself leads to lower self esteem. What is self-esteem anyway? Isn�t a Christian supposed to forsake oneself? It isn�t I who matters, it�s God.

Am I sounding more like De Wen? Well�

Yesterday Chooi Mei and I went to watch John Q. It�s a great movie�watch it. I was really impressed by the way the show was shot, especially the eerie scene at the start. You have to watch it. Still, the most striking thing about the movie is that a father actually nearly killed himself to save his son, to give his heart to his son. �You mean the gun was empty all this while?� �Yes, the only person I�d ever thought of killing was myself.� �I will not bury my son! My son will bury me!� Wow�

Seeing the father knowing something was wrong as his eyes were fixed on his son before the latter collapsed on the field was such a meaningful thing, for this father actually observed his son, and knew when something was wrong. Seeing him as he was the first to rush onto the field in the middle of the game, pick up his unconscious son, and rush him off to the hospital, seeing the supportiveness of his friends and family, seeing the mother�s anguish on hearing of her son�s condition, seeing the outpouring of donations towards the son�now that was something. That is love.

Reminds me somewhat of Jesus� death, and the whole sacrificial thing.

Thinking of changing church for a change of environment. Feel I need a change of environment. Or is it just a change of heart? I don�t know, but I feel that a change of environment will help me develop into a better Christian. Thinking of quitting the guild. But I can still hold on, and my GP tutor said never to feel like I�m doing the bare minimum. Have I completed all basic requirements? If so, stop. I�ve done my job, I�ve done enough. Carry on.

Went for violin just now. Pretty cool. Enjoyed playing the songs. Wish I could find the rosin for my bow. Wonders where my charger is too. The batteries for my discman and De Wen�s mp3 player are flat.

De Wen�s grandmother had a coma and was admitted to hospital yesterday. Hope she�s all right now. Will pray for her. Hope De Wen is all right too. Will pray for him. Hasn�t been sending smses. Wonder why. Must stop depending too much on him.

Managed to sell my Musical Soiree ticket thankfully. A little angry that De Wen wasn�t really interested in selling his. Does he intend on losing $5 just like that?! But perhaps he�s got something on his mind. I�ve learnt not to judge people.

Hear people saying they don�t like so-and-so etc. Wonders why everyone can�t just be friends. I don�t know, but people shouldn�t let their past experiences with others affect them right? I mean, I wasn�t very popular in Nanyang. Not that I�m very popular here, but I�ve got a wider circle of friends and I feel fulfilled. Yes, I feel sometimes that it�s a chore going out with so many friends, because I�ve got many friends, and I�ve got to manage such social commitments too, but then at the end of it, just knowing I�ve got a close friend means so much.

Went out with Chooi Mei to buy Mothers� Day presents. Am pleased with what I bought. One blue file bag for $1.99, one pair of bedroom slippers for $1.99, one container of nice stamps, inclusive of stamp pad for $1.99, one box of chocolates for $2.90, and one sweater for $18. The sweater was tight, and it did pinch at my heart somewhat knowing that such an expensive thing didn�t look that good on my mum, but who knows? It may be put to good use. Hey, don�t say I�m cheap-skate! I just love bargains, and I chose those items carefully.

GREAT outing with Chooi Mei. Haven�t seen Chooi Mei for some time. Calling Xin Yi later. Hope she�s all right. Wish I could go out with Alanna, Pei Yu and some other friends some day.

Finished Alanna�s reply. Will pass it to her tomorrow. Looking forward to another reply. Guess I can say more in a blog though but such letters, especially the counselling, help a lot. I love to hear others� stories.

Will be going to church later. Didn�t go for service this morning because I sent my mum off. She�ll be in UK for 2 weeks and go to Paris too! Cool� Oh yes Chooi Mei, she was reminded until she left of the Legolas items. I even spelt �Legolas� for her and told her he was an elf, and that he was the most attractive guy in Lord of the Rings. Told her about Orlando Bloom too. Aren�t you happy, Princess of Mirkwood?

Wanted to watch Star Wars on tv tonight but decided to go to church instead. Hope this �God� thing won�t be temporal. Perhaps changing church may help. Told my parents already and they seem to have no objections.

Irritated with Youth Choir because they lack discipline. As my GP tutor says, I�m much more mature than my peers, perhaps even thinking things that people 10 years older than me think. Not trying to be proud here but I think that�s quite true. Yes, I want to shoot ahead, that�s why I�m always rushing for time. Then again, it�s not that healthy. I�ve had quite a leisurely weekend but I haven�t done a single piece of work! Gotta get started soon, but better go online.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, May 12, 2002 05:23 p.m.

Everything seems to be important to me. Yes...even though the world is unimportant. I'm just full of contradictions, aren't I?

Uh yes...what I wanted to say was that the council songs are great. :) Will be learning them up soon for Investiture. Can't wait. I prefer the Chinese song though.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Thursday, May 9, 2002 08:10 p.m.

Work work work. Have a temptation to go do Chooi Mei�s personality tests just to keep up with what she�s doing but I don�t have the time. ;) Don�t want to die out again tomorrow especially since tomorrow will be a long day.

I will not go online for long now. I will only go online for NeoPets matter. My blog and e-mail will be read and typed offline and other blogs and pages I want to view will also be read offline before I come online to post comments again. That will free up the telephone for my family members who want to use the phone and to stop accusations against me for using so much of the Internet.

As I said, tomorrow will be a very long day. Not only do I end school at 5.05p.m., I also have only one break, and it�s during a peak period too where the canteen is crowded. I probably won�t have time to eat, so it�s only dinner that I will eat before council starts at 7p.m. Should be a long meeting too, but thankfully it�s the weekends. Who am I to complain though? The ExCo has way more meetings than we do.

Have quite a lot of homework. I think I will do my Mathematics revision first though. I�m just going to do my Functions tutorial over again to prepare for the test. Then, I will do my English Literature essay before hopefully doing some Chinese exercises. Don�t think I will have time though to even do my essay. I�m not feeling well now and it�s close to 8. I will sleep at 10p.m. tonight no matter what. Don�t want to die out again tomorrow.

Gotta prioritise my time. Am suddenly reminded that I owe 2 self-addressed envelopes and I�ve got to collect $5 from each person for Economics study material. What am I being the Economics rep for? I don�t have time!

ARGH�headache. I realised today that I have a few weird habits when I�m stressed. I unknowingly grab certain areas of my body. Don�t ask me to elaborate though. I�ll just say that I hope I don�t do that in public. This phenomena only occurred today, but it�s scary. I think it means that I�ve gone into an even further state of stress and depression. In case no one realises, I�ve been working non-stop since I posted the last blog. I didn�t slack one bit and I�m proud of it. I�m continuing my work now.

Oh yes, met Alanna online just now. It was cool just talking to her. Was beginning to think that she didn�t want to talk online but that�s just my paranoia. Am going crazy. Have 2 tickets for this Saturday�s Musical Soiree (7pm HC Auditorium). Anyone want to go? I really need to sell these tickets urgently. Bought them but am too busy to go. Please�I don�t want to lose $10 (oh yes, it�s $5 a ticket�cheap I would say).

Must get an appointment book. Too many appointments to keep track of.

Oh yes, wishing all the best to De Wen for his Physics selection test (some people are just so smart LOL), to Xin Yi and Mei for all their schoolwork, to Alanna for the drama production and to everyone else who reads the blog. Don�t be as depressed as me. (And I�m not being bitter here)

Just realised I�m quite open about my thoughts and feelings. Why aren�t people open about theirs? De Wen likes to conceal things, I know. My female friends are pretty open, I believe, but a lot of people aren�t. Hmm�why?

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Thursday, May 9, 2002 08:09 p.m.

I am experiencing a sense of urgency now. Everything is speeding up. I�m pushing myself further. I keep telling myself that I have no time. At the same time, I�m sinking into deeper depression and feeling more and more isolated and alienated from the world around me.

Thankfully, I ended school early today. For some reason, the Geography lecture was cancelled and I was free from 2.15p.m. onwards. Soon after I caught wind of the news, De Wen messaged me and booked a lunch slot with me. I went out to lunch at LJS Cineleisure with him and had a nice study session as well as a good chat about things. I�m trying to freak him out of this relationship because I think it�s not good for him to hang around a girl like me, especially a girl in depression and on the edge of suicide. It�s not good for him to feel so much for me. It�ll only hurt him in the end. Somehow I know he�s going to be like Ted Hughes. It�s not fair for him, but then again, I�m acting cruel.

Yes, I�m trying to cultivate a cruel heart. I feel the world isn�t worth caring for now. I was majorly upset today with people in general. Suddenly, everything just seemed so unimportant. People are mere mortals, and even if De Wen says mere mortals can amount to something, I disagree. People just go around hurting each other, and no matter how hard they try, they will never be able to reach each other. Yes, I have close friends and I appreciate how I�m able to open my heart to them. But as De Wen probably noticed, I�ve been making a lot of sarcastic and bitter comments lately, and I�m not feeling guilty about them, either than that I�m hurting someone else. To me, life isn�t worth living.

I seriously need a school counsellor and yet I�m not going to see one. Perhaps I just feel uncomfortable with her. She freaks me out, even though she tries her best. Everyone does, but no one is able to reach me. What do I want anyway? Perhaps I�ll go talk to my GP tutor tomorrow. For one thing, she�s a woman so she�ll probably understand. She also seems pretty emotional so hopefully she�ll manage to hear me out. The only thing is, she�s an adult. Do adults understand? I know teens don�t. Why am I putting my hope in adults?

Managed to pass my letter to Alanna today. Hope to receive her reply soon. I don�t know. I believe in the power of writing. Today I managed to buy two thick books, paying $5 out of my own pocket. One is a fantasy book and the other is a mystery thing. I realise I love psychological and fantasy novels, novels that deal with the realms of the mind and not so much the reality of the world. I hate the reality of the world. As I said, the world isn�t worth my concern. Perhaps I�ll go back to believing in stoicism. But would that be renouncing my religion then?

Saw a few books today at the bookfair. Was quite interested in the one about perfectionism because I am a true perfectionist. Unfortunately, it was quite expensive ($21) and by the time my second break came, it was gone. I was not happy with the books dealing with depression and stress because they all say the same thing which I know. Advice such as �communicate more with your parents� is not new to me, but does it really work? Today, De Wen told me he stopped gelling his hair after I told him I didn�t like gelled hair. At least he did that for me. I noticed it as well. The thing is my parents don�t even after I tell them I don�t like it.

Nearly cried today on the way back to school with De Wen. I was just so depressed. He didn�t understand me either but that isn�t his fault. Later I ran from the bus stop at Guthrie House to Guthrie House itself to relieve pent-up emotions, before running home after the outing with Xin Yi. I was majorly upset with the person at the counter at Coffee Bean too and I just snapped at him. I can�t stand people who waste my already limited time. He was kinda joking with me about my order of Kids size Pure Chocolate today and asking me if I wanted some more. Can�t he just take my order and be done with it? Besides, after he joked a while, I told him my order was fixed, but he still continued joking. Furthermore, he didn�t put any cream on my Ultimate Ice-Blended. I also can�t stand people who make me repeat what I�ve just said. He was asking me what size I wanted my Ultimate Ice-Blended when I just finished saying I wanted a small size. I guess I understand now why Alanna was angry with De Wen the other day. Yes, I still remember. I remember a lot of things�including the fries which I dropped at LJS Toa Payoh yesterday.

I have a Maths test tomorrow which I�m determined to ace. I�m not feeling well though so I�m going to have a bath after my NeoPets spree and then start on my work before retiring for the night. I�m falling asleep in class nowadays due to extreme weariness, even early in the morning, and I�m also forfeiting my food. I�m growing thinner. I only ate, and am going to eat, only one meal today (lunch). I don�t have the time and energy. I really wish someone would give me a hug or something.

Anyway, the thing that De Wen refuses to catch (yes, I said it 3 times already on 3 different occasions but he doesn�t hear it!) is something about touch. No, it�s nothing sexual. It�s nothing awkward. It�s totally squeaky clean. It�s a total contradiction really, because I crave touch, for basic comfort in times of depression, but I don�t allow people to touch me. It has to be something totally based on initiative, but I�ve trained my reflexes so I know when people are about to touch me, unless they�re coming from behind. I wish someone would give me a hug and just hold me close, but I remember when I once refused someone else because he kept bugging me for touch. I just didn�t want to give it to him. I knew he was in a state of depression and I admit I went into a relationship because of that, but I backed out later because he was pushing me too hard. As I said, when I say stop I mean stop. This truth recurred in my mind today.

Mothers� Day is coming and I hate my mother. What am I going to do? Oh yes, yesterday I was intending to post an entry but my stupid father picked up the phone and terminated the Internet connection. The entry was a basic two lines long: �I hate my father. HATE� Yes. I hate my family.

Cried myself to sleep last night. Messaged De Wen and he tried to comfort me but to no avail. Perhaps I felt slightly better knowing there was someone out there caring for me. Still I wonder why I bother to message him. It�s only adding to his burdens and I don�t believe anyone can reach me anyway. Why am I bothering to rescue the situation instead of just ending my life right here and now.

Stomach has been hurting since Monday. Suspecting stomach cancer. Do people care if I die though? Will still go for P.E. tomorrow to relieve stress. I need to run.

There�s something wrong. There�s something wrong and I can�t put it right. I wonder if the people who care still care now. It�ll be better for them if they don�t care so they don�t feel, but somehow I need all the care I can get.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Thursday, May 9, 2002 06:47 p.m.

Got lots to type today. Even listed out what I needed to say in case I forgot.

Have been having abdominal pains since the NAPFA test. My test results are quite good so far (AACAA) so I have a shot at the Gold this year. However I haven't been really training so I possibly overexerted on sit ups. The side of my ribcage hurts when I touch it and it's painful when I laugh or sneeze. Not good especially since these two activities are two of my most common ones.

Thought I wouldn't be able to eat for 24 hours today because I didn't eat dinner last night and today's only break was used up for Lit. remedial. Besides I left early for council preparation for the cheering session and we were told that the bus would only come at 7pm. Eventually I left early and managed to gobble up Nasi Lemak and look through the books at the book fair. There's this book fair in school at the moment and we have $15 subsidy of books. I like the idea and will probably buy a book tomorrow. The main point I want to talk about though is my eating problem. I'm sacrificing my food and sleep for work sometimes and I know it's not good for me. I was just looking in the mirror today and was shocked to see my growing thinness. I think I have a serious problem.

People have been commenting on my conscientiousness and diligence. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just putting up a show for them or if I really do work hard. Am I a slacker? I don't think so. I think I've changed quite a bit since my Secondary School days (thankfully for the better too). I take my work more seriously now (although I don't know if I'm taking my work seriously enough or too seriously). I try to work because I don't have much time to work. I do allocate time at night for listening to Top 10 at 10 and to go online though. I just need to keep up with the work in class e.g. my tutorials. I've been having a few doubts about certain commitments e.g. violin and AAA council but I don't want to drop things yet. As usual I feel I'm capable. When there's a will, there's a way. I wonder if my expectations are feasible though. De Wen and I were calculating my block test results today. I got 2 B3s for my 2 'AO' level subjects and 1 E and 3 Os for my 'A' level subjects so far. They're bad results but I still hope to be able to improve so much that I top the class, get a scholarship, and do 3 'S' papers. PS: I got my Physical Geography results today: 16.5/35. Ok with it but I know I can do better than that.

I'm becoming a zombie. Getting too tired I nearly fell asleep in Economics tutorial today. I'm falling asleep during lessons. Bad. Makes me cranky too. Even when I walk I look tired and I don't smile as often as I do. I'm mostly a loner. No time for people.

I don't view people as I used to anymore. I view them as mere mortals. Seriously. They are nice and kind...that I don't have any quarrels with. They just aren't my type. They offer to help me with my problems but I don't think they can understand me. Whenever I'm with them I do feel like I'm doing it only so I won't be viewed as being aloof and unpopular. I crave intelligent talk and I don't know what else. I'm just being fussy I guess. I just feel not able to relate to people fully.

Today I was with De Wen in the MRT. I've been saying the same thing to him but he never catches it. Either he doesn't catch it or he avoids showing any sign that he's catching it. Never mind. It's too private really. Sometimes I feel I have to cope with my problems alone. That way they will never be solved but what can I do? It's not his fault. It's mine. And I'm not in self-denial.

Went for cheering today. Cool. It was a great last cheering session for the seniors I think. I enjoyed cheering and watching this match especially since we were on the winning end. Even though ACJC was still exhibiting poor sportsmanship like they did the last time we managed to thrash them 37-20. Netball is quite a fun sport to watch too and the girls were really nimble and quick.

Went out with De Wen afterwards for dinner and studying coupled with chatting. It's cool doing things like this. Just that sometimes when I reflect on what I say I feel so stupid. Maybe it's just because I'm a perfectionist that I really desire intellectual talk and blame even myself for not being able to speak seriously enough. Do I desire intellectual talk though? Maybe I won't once I've got enough of it. Some intellectual talk is uncomfortable. Still...

Lecture Day tomorrow. That means my day isn't very long compared to my other days and I have a whole day of lectures with the exception of GP and Maths. Some homework to do but will wake up early tomorrow to do. Don't want to tax myself too much at night since I need my beauty sleep and am not having enough as it is.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, May 8, 2002 10:05 p.m.

Updated with NeoPets (including Grab Bags and Welcomers). Proud of myself.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, May 7, 2002 11:56 p.m.

-cries-

Keeps getting angry unjustifiably. Not being fair.

Wishes I could either die (and go to heaven) or just stay in one remote island a happy individual with no obligations. Knows I'm contradicting myself but does it matter?

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, May 7, 2002 11:17 p.m.

Sad now. Depression again. I don't know. I can be really happy in school so much so even my friends think I'm not in depression anymore. At least those who don't read my blog. But I'm sad. I always get sad. And I hate bothering other people with my sadness even though they say it's not a bother. Who wants to listen to someone rant about sorrows all the time? After all sorrows are just a part of life. *thinks of slashing herself but remembers that she's afraid of physical pain and would rather live with emotional pain*

I'm so busy. I love work but I'm so busy I just don't feel like doing work sometimes. I guess it depends on the time. I don't mind doing work in school at any time really but I can't stand doing work at home. Wanted to get down to doing work but eventually gave up and came online with an immense feeling of guilt and sadness. Don't mind the work in terms of content. I just mind doing it really. Am I contradicting myself? I think so. As I say no one really understands me. And no one ever will. Maths is so difficult.

De Wen's now asking me to share my problem with him. All my fault for telling him I have a problem. Why do I even hint of a problem when others can't do anything to help. I know they really try to do nice things but I can't be comforted. Such things just don't hit me.

De Wen was talking about God having to hit us at our peak before we are humbled before him. Perhaps so. I'm a little more open towards God now but I still have my pride. I won't be broken down. My loss though. My stubbornness will result in my eventual downfall.

Top 10 at 10. Not satisfying results. Only Hope was at No. 8 (Huh? How could this be?). Insatiable was at No. 3 I think (Another big question mark). The unknown Mandy Moore song was at No. 2 I believe. Yes. a1 is still at No. 1. That's great at least but even with all the great chart-toppers it was still disappointing to see my supported songs drop in the charts.

Got an A for GP assignment today. Happy. At least that's one thing I can hold on to. Working hard whenever I can. Sees the possibility of 3 S-papers but knows that I will have to give up a lot (e.g. NeoPets) for it. Was thinking about it today.

Pubco Handing Down. Cool. Had a talk with the seniors (especially Zhao Wei) concerning my job scope and Pubco in general. Found out the Secretary/Treasurer is something like a vice-com chair (and as Yexiang puts it, a vice slavedriver - trust him to think of something like that LOL). Hmm...feels the immense responsibility. Is confused as I want to make a difference yet don't know where to start.

Finished replying to Alanna's letter in school today. Will try to pass it to her tomorrow so I can get another letter soon. In immense need of comfort yet knows that it's nearly impossible to reach me.

Hungry. Didn't eat dinner. Is there a use? Walked past my dad without saying a word. That's the way things are. That's the way things will be. Doesn't look forward to Mothers' Day. Do I even love my mother?

Lots of homework that I will try once again to do tomorrow. Morning briefing tomorrow though. Cannot be late. Was late today but attendance wasn't taken so it's not that serious.

Laughed at Thong Kai and Kelvin today because they were teasing me to some extent about De Wen. :)

Sadness. Wonders when this will stop. Do I even want this to stop? Does this make me more mature? Can't stand people with only one happy side even though I can't think of examples. Happiness seems superficial.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, May 7, 2002 11:00 p.m.

Will rush this now. No time. Am becoming like a working machine now.

Council tomorrow 7.15a.m. Remember.

Ah...tonight's Top 10 at 10 listings! Came home late so I only managed to catch No. 4: Only Hope (Mandy Moore), No. 3: Insatiable (Darren Hayes), No. 2: Mandy Moore's new song (don't know the title yet), No. 1: Make It Good (a1). Yay!!

Caught a movie with De Wen today: Talking Cock. Really cool and I was proud to be able to watch an NC-16 movie. :) Really polluted my mind though but I enjoyed the show. I am amazed the government actually allows such shows to be shown though.

Had quite a long talk with De Wen today. Cool. Now that is what I call intellectual talk. Serious talk. Just the kind of talk I would like to engage in. Ate at LJS too. Love the food there.

Hand hurting at the moment. Typed out quite a few smses to my committee members just now and then talked to Wen Jie and Gena. Am now conversing with the Dark Lord via sms. Rushing to complete everything. No time. No time. No time.

Someone quit AAA council. Why?!

Got back Economics block test today. 28/50. Ok. Don't care.

Got back Practical Criticism block test today. Did a tough question. Got 22/50. Si Jia got 36/50. Wow! Reminds me of Mrs. Baddiley's Lit. scholar, the one she told us about at the beginning of the year.

Don't care. Don't care. Studied today at Lido. Am obsessed with studying. No time. No time. Must get an A. Went through one whole stack of material today. Studied Geography this morning on the bus and Economics on the way home by MRT. No time. No time.

ARGH...No time...Words are drumming in my head. Trying to think clearly. Don't dare to see the school counsellor.

Alanna used this nice natural-looking book for our letter-writing. Must write letter later. Alanna is cool. :) Love Alanna.

Will probably go to sleep. Tired.

No...Maths tutorial...GP comprehension...and a load of other things. No...don't do this to me.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, May 7, 2002 12:29 a.m.

Wow...I actually managed to update yesterday's events. Cool. :) By the way, the chatterbox is still here, only that it's much further down. I just rearranged some things. Please continue posting on the chatterbox. I know I haven't been posting. I don't really have much to say there yet.

I've decided not to post the entry about the previous night's depression. Just know that I was mainly angry with my father, not De Wen, and that I was unhappy with De Wen for not stopping when I told him to stop. I was especially unhappy because I'd given him a warning already the night before. My father can be insensitive but nice at times. I had a pretty ok chat with him today. I don't really like it that I don't say nice things about people sometimes, especially behind their backs. It's just that I'm extremely frank and open about my feelings. I hope this frankness and openness doesn't backfire on me later, because I know there are some dirty games to be played somewhere along my life's road.

I bought a nice tee today. Cost me $11.20 but it was a treat from my mother. Usually I don't splurge on tees that cost above $10 because I'm quite a miser, but from the moment I saw it, I loved it. This tee's from Baleno, and it's made of the soft material that I like (I'm not sure what exactly), and it comes in 6 different designs. There's an outline of words (FRESH, HOT, SKY, PURE, NATURAL and COCONUT) filled up with a nice background. Over this, there's a line written in white 'let summer begin'. I bought the dark green FRESH tee, with a palm leaf filling up the word 'FRESH'. I preferred the colour scheme of PURE somewhat because it was pure white, with a picture of blue water filling up the word 'PURE' but I didn't exactly like the water. I love the palm!!! I'm so glad my mother treated me to this. *longs to show De Wen the tee. I want to wear it out soon!

Am I placing too much emphasis on De Wen? I'm afraid my friends may be jealous. I really don't mean to neglect them.

Uh...yes...I forgot the wallet issue. Chooi Mei told me about it because De Wen's blog has something about my wallet and my blog doesn't. Oh well. That day when I was sick, I took an OCP and went home. On the way home, I decided to buy myself a packet of Original Skittles (by the way, I now think Original Skittles taste much better than the Sour ones). I must have been careless since I dropped my wallet after paying for the Skittles. Thankfully, I went down to another shop in the vicinity to buy cheap bands and found out that my wallet was missing. I traced my steps before meeting up with a couple who told me that my wallet was with this Japanese restaurant owner. The owner told me later that he saw the couple hiding in a corner looking at my wallet, possibly with the intention to steal the money. Thankfully the Japanese restaurant owner told them to give him the wallet so they couldn't take anything from it. When I approached the restaurant owner, he, together with another girl, was looking at my cards, including the photo card I took with Chooi Mei, to try to find my address so they could return the wallet to me. I am so amazed at such kindness and honesty! The man also kindly asked me if I'd been crying since my eyes were red. I told him I was sick, and then both of them said much less to me so that I could go home and rest. They even told me to take care of myself and sent me home with kind words. Wow...

I really appreciate this. May God bless these two people.

God blessed me further today. I've had to pay $40 out of my own pocket because I lost a valuable receipt ($41) so I had to reimburse someone from Youth Choir from my own finances. I didn't want to blow up the matter. Thankfully after two weeks of saving, I managed to find the receipt today!!! Now I have $40 to spend! Cool...

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, May 5, 2002 07:18 p.m.

The new page is not needed anymore but any help is welcome in case I need it in the future. ;)

I've edited the page somewhat and am now much more pleased with it. YAY. Hopefully I'll find the layout soon.

Smiled uncontrollably at my brother just now when I saw him. Funny how when I tell people I'm having family problems they think my brother is the crux. He isn't. In fact, he's the one I'm most pleased with out of all my family members.

Anyway, I'm always glad for Sunday afternoons because I'm most free then. Funny how I never bother to catch up with work then. Instead, I go online and do things like page updates. But I count that necessary. At least it makes me feel better about myself since the page represents me and the work I've put into it. I can't imagine a day if this page gets deleted.

Yesterday was a great day. After the cheering, I went out with Wen Jie. She's my best friend in council. I don't want my friends to feel as if I'm neglecting them for De Wen, because quite a few of them are feeling that way currently. I think it's not fair that they feel that way, but I guess feelings are naturally and spontaneous and there's nothing they can do about it. Anyway, Wen Jie has been asking me to go out with her for some time but I've always agreed to meeting De Wen first and so have to turn her down. Yesterday though, I decided to go out with her since I didn't exactly have an appointment with De Wen, and my handphone went down too, so I was totally out of contact with him. I thought of him during the course of the outing though.

I was really sick. Not because I went out with Wen Jie, but because I was initially sick and pushing myself to the limit. I had a headache and kept sneezing, but I still managed to enjoy the outing. We went to Takashimaya and ate noodles and french fries. I finished the coke in a flash. I just love coke. :) It's a little irritating going to Orchard by bus though because to me it's quite long and the bus is always crowded. I hate standing up. During the MRT journey home, I broke out in laughter as I was cracking jokes at the expense of others. :) I think it was because of my state of mind. My body needed a form of entertainment to force my mind off knowing that I was standing throughout the entire train journey. Two seats were left empty later and Wen Jie and I rushed to sit down. We wanted those seats so badly. I tripped over someone's leg.

I think I made a fool out of myself in public. I don't know why people like to look at me anyway. Yesterday quite a few people were staring at me on the train journey to City Hall for the PubCo JTS. I get irritated when people keep staring. Sometimes I look back at them while sometimes I just ignore them. What problem do they have?

JTS was great. Junior Treat Senior. My mother actually doesn't know what JTS meant until I told her, but she left the $50 I requested on my table. I rushed home from the outing with Wen Jie to change and to get ready for JTS. I managed to save some time by going to a photocopy shop near my house to photocopy the sheets of assignment that my committee chairperson, Yexiang (also known as the slavedriver or lady boss), wanted me to photocopy within a few hours (yes, he gave it to me before the cheering and wanted the photocopies done by the JTs). I also decided to go to the library to return my overdue book on the way, resulting in me being late despite rushing until I sweated. Later, the group of us had to rush to Sizzler's to get our reservations. It was quite funny that we ran the wrong way and ran most of the way just trying to find the restaurant. We met quite a few 28th councillors along the way, including Xiayi, Thong Kai and NCL (Ng Chew Lip).

We had a great dinner. It was a really filling one, with a main course, salad bar and ice cream! I loved experimenting with the ice cream, coming out with various designs. Unfortunately, Sharon's handphone got stolen. I'm quite indignant about this, even though I didn't show it that day. Why must people steal things and spoil everyone's happiness? Sometimes I really can't stand the sin in this world. But then again, I'm a perfectionist and rule-abider. Thankfully, Sharon seemed to be able to enjoy the rest of the evening despite her initial upset.

We went up to the open space above the Fountain of Wealth. It was cool just standing there under the night sky watching the laser show and the dedications. Later, Yexiang and I tried to steal downstairs to make a dedication to the rest of PubCo. The rest of them knew we were missing though and they questioned us about it when we came back. Although our song wasn't played and the dedication shown in laser, our dedications were actually read out! We were so pleased and excited, and PubCo was really touched by our actions, even though they didn't really catch the dedication.

Afterward, we walked down City Link and took really funny pictures. I was laughing non-stop there, much to the astonishment of everyone. The 28th PubCo guys posed in front of lingerie models, in public! A few of us (me included) stuck out our second fingers at ourselves as we posed under a banner saying FCUK.inc. Hahahahaha...I really enjoyed myself there. It was indeed a time of great bonding.

I haven't laughed so much in a long time. Suntec City just seemed so cool yesterday because of the people I had around me. One day I must go there with De Wen.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, May 5, 2002 06:44 p.m.

How can I create a new page in my Tripod account? I don't seen any link to create a new page once I enter File Manager! Help!!!

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, May 5, 2002 06:17 p.m.

Was thinking about my new layout. I remember thinking about new layouts at first and yet having no time to commit to constructing one. What represents disorder? What is an image I can use on my site to represent disorder? I think a leaf is too calm for a site named Psychotic Perspectives. I was thinking of a leaf with a drop of water dripping down into a puddle of waste (s***) but I didn't like it in the end. I wonder why I even thought of it.

Anyway, I'm still sick, just like I was yesterday and the day before. I didn't even wake up early enough this morning to go to early morning service so I took my father's car to Sunday School and ended up being depressed before and throughout Sunday School and eventually deciding to skip Youth Choir. I wouldn't have been able to put my heart to sing anyway so Rachel and I went out to Prince to have a nice leisurely lunch. During the course of the lunch, we were interrupted by a phone call to my handphone, which I refused to answer since I wasn't in the mood to explain why I wasn't at Youth Choir. I never found out who made the call. Anyhow, I managed to talk to Rachel a little more about the problems I've been facing, which helped somewhat, but I still maintain that no one will ever be able to reach me.

I'm getting breakdowns very easily. Last night, I stayed up until past 2 to do the Grab Bags. I would have done the Welcomers too but the Internet Explorer kept giving errors. This was good in a way that it forced me to go offline. I could have written my blog but I was so tired and sick by the end of all the work that I just slept until morning. As I wasn't feeling well today and after the lunch at Prince, I went home to have a 2 and a 1/2 hour nap before going for violin. I originally intended to practise my violin, but gave in to my tiredness instead. Sleep was indeed a welcoming relief for me. I could be sleeping now, actually, but I think it's a little of a waste of time, and it will only get my work accumulated. Then again, I realise that it's all a cycle of events. I sacrifice my sleep to work, resulting in me being too tired, having to sleep. I guess it's just a rush to meet deadlines that I sacrifice my health for my work. Rachel mentioned today her dislike for council because it made every councillor feel obligated to do their jobs because they ran for council in the first place. I realise the truth in that as well, but since I feel obligated, there's nothing much I can think of to do to change the situation. As a person who doesn't believe in discontinuing things, I will force myself to continue all the commitments I have started until I finally collapse and give everything up. It may seem foolish, but I can't bring myself to quit anything. Now I'm thinking. Perhaps I should change church. I could quit Youth Choir committee and Youth Choir itself so as to free up more time, but I know I will feel uncomfortable whenever the Youth Choir presents and I'm not part of it. Maybe I should go to a nearer church, one that is 10 minutes and not 1 hour away from home. But I'm not a pew-warmer either. I love taking part in activities. I may as well take part in the choir there. Hmm...maybe I should explore my alternatives.

But I've sidetracked, as I always like to do. I realise that as compared to other blogs, with the exception of De Wen's, my blog is pretty long. That's because I feel everything is important. I don't want to miss out writing on anything just because I don't feel like writing it. This morning was quite a sad morning. Not only did I not wake up at 5a.m. to settle the Youth Choir treasury and the PubCo treasury as I'd originally intended to, I missed the morning service. My mother woke me up at 8.10a.m. telling me we were going to leave the house at 8.50a.m. to go for Sunday School. What happens is I was so tired I actually fell back asleep before I was yelled at by my father to wake up at 8.40a.m., after which I promptly got ready for church. I was yelled at again later because I wasn't doing things fast enough, resulting in me not having enough time to tie my hair, and I hate not tying up my hair. To make things worse, on the way to church, my father commented to my mother about my ugly face as if I wasn't even present! It wasn't that I was showing an ugly face on purpose. Due to tiredness, my eyes could barely open, and my face looked bad because I was sleepy and sick. Besides, I'm getting a lot of pimples these days due to stress. My father said I was lazy and hence didn't want to keep clean. Boy was I furious even though I didn't say a thing. I hate it when people say bad things about me to other people as if I'm not even there, especially when they don't understand enough and accuse me of things that are not true. I'm far from lazy. I'm becoming like that due to depression and stress, which they know nothing about! I was even muttering to myself this morning, before I noticed that my mother was looking at me. I think I'm going senile. The strangest thing is that my parents don't seem to notice any obvious symptoms, and if they do, they don't care.

I felt like crying all the way to church, and later, I asked my mother to tell me truthfully how I looked, and not to purposely put me down. Obviously she didn't get the fact that I didn't want to be hurt, and she didn't even bother to tactfully say things, but instead repeated the whole car conversation. In the end, I argued with her and stormed off to be by myself. I didn't care if anyone saw this scene. They can see for all I care.

Later I went to borrow pen and paper from the LTF room to write down my thoughts and feelings. I realise though, that I'm so longwinded that I will never post written entries online, for the main reason that I will never finish any written entries. Written entries are just there for the primary purpose of venting my emotions temporarily, so that I will be much calmer for the rest of the day. Thankfully I reached church early before Sunday School started and the rest of my classmates streamed in, so I could have a few moments to myself to write my diary and calm down. I was close to tears, but I managed to not cry. Later when my friends came I just offered a simple greeting to each of them and proceeded to do my diary. I don't have so much time to chat, unfortunately, even though I'll probably give my best friend a call later.

I didn't really contribute to Sunday School today because I was feeling upset. When I spoke, even my voice was hoarse and I felt tears welling up. I didn't cry openly though, and I hope my eyes didn't turn red. My Sunday School teacher briefly touched on my problems before proceeding with the lesson. I was uncomfortable throughout the whole lesson, sometimes spacing out, and giving short but valuable (in my opinion) comments. One thing my Sunday School teacher touched on today was why people ostracize Christians. Almost immediately, I started thinking of De Wen. Why did I get so angry with him? Because he was pushing Christianity onto me even though I said stop. He wanted to pray for me and I didn't want him to, but he refused to stop bugging me about it that day. I guess why people are sometimes angry with Christians is because they hate God, like I do. Oh yes, I do feel thankful to God when a good thing comes my way, i.e. I do think about God, but when a bad thing occurs, I feel upset with him. Perhaps it's because I'm experiencing a lot of problems now that God seems so distant and uncaring. I'm not ready for God yet though even though I don't doubt that I'm a Christian. I'm not ready to recommit myself to him. In fact, I'm feeling uncomfortable as it is reading De Wen's blog. One day I might just stop. It's getting too, um, Christian for me.

Violin was ok. I didn't practise again for the entire week, but thankfully the teacher is understanding. I really love listening to him play because the sound he makes on the violin is so much better than the noise I make. I collected my shoulder rest today from Coronation Plaza. It's the wrong one, not the one I ordered, but at least I have a shoulder rest now. I wish I had the one I'd ordered though. I don't like the fact that I specifically said I wanted a certain model and brand and the person at the counter didn't bother to order the right one for me, yet assuring me that she knew what I was talking about. I think she's a Christian though. She seemed to be counselling someone before I came in. Talking about counselling, I'm trying to pluck up courage to go for counselling again.

I miss De Wen. I don't know if he's received my sms or not, but he hasn't replied it for a long time. :(

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, May 5, 2002 05:11 p.m.

Considering quitting NeoPets. No time. Really no time.

I'm now tired and sick but forcing myself to go online to complete AAA council work. I cannot delay this work any longer. I'm sending the LTF camp budget in tomorrow and trying to be updated with my AAA council duties tonight. If I wait any longer I will only make things worse and I've been slacking enough. Well...not exactly slacking but since I've committed myself to so many things I'll have to sacrifice on something else e.g. my beauty sleep.

I woke up this morning at 5a.m. to go for cheering. Cheering was pretty fun at the beginning but it started to get really draggy when the match became longer. I began to feel a little disillusioned about the whole game just like my feelings during the game last week. Two people chasing after one little ball and gaining and losing service time and again without gaining points. I was getting exhausted. Even my cheers came out forced. What is more, I was quite frustrated with ACJC, because they were making rude comments about our cheers and showing a lack of sportsmanship. Besides, they finally won the match 4-1. It was quite enjoyable staying back for the prize-giving ceremony though. I saw a few NYGH girls and some members of the NYGH staff involved in the ceremony, and when our girls and guys squash teams went to get their respective medals, the school cheered really loudly. Next Saturday, we will be having a cheering session for Netball Girls against ACJC (sigh...ACJC). This time we will be bringing along the S6 students. I hope the cheering session will be fine.

Will post more about today and the day before yesterday when I have time. I'm really tired but still have to work. :(

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, May 5, 2002 12:44 a.m.

Funny how I feel like sleeping and yet don't feel like getting offline. Funny how I know I've got work to do both online and offline and I'm doing neither. I'm surfing around and chatting to De Wen, which I forgot to say, is online.

Funny how I keep forgetting things when I keep remembering other things. Maybe my brain just chooses to remember certain things. By the way, Darren Hayes' 'Insatiable' is No. 1 while Mandy Moore's 'Cry' is No. 3 this week on Red Hot 30. Funny how I'm so touched by music. Funny how everything seems to be funny.

Should I try to type out what happened yesterday? Perhaps. Perhaps I'll actually undertake this huge task. I'm thankfully feeling a lot better now, only a little bit tired, and I hope I won't have a relapse tomorrow. Cheering!!! Yay!!! And I'm really touched by De Wen tonight, how he comforted me and actually downloaded 'Make It Good' for me. He's going to try downloading a lot more of my favourite songs to put on a cd and give me tomorrow. I don't think he can make it by tomorrow but thanks anyway De Wen!!!!!! :)

Hmm...decided not to post yesterday's entry today. Too happy. Not in the mood for depression. Plus I got to talk with my guild pals, Stephanie and Chooi Mei tonight.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, May 3, 2002 11:20 p.m.

Tired, running a fever, and sneezing, and yet I've returned online. My fingers are cold, and my head is swimming. What am I doing???

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, May 3, 2002 09:42 p.m.

Guess what? I'm online again. Went to sleep just now but didn't really get to sleep. Besides, I really want to listen to Red Hot 30 and I couldn't get to sleep when I was listening to the radio in the dark. Too bad De Wen has gone offline so I can't talk to him. Never mind. It could be for the better too so I can concentrate on whatever I'm doing now.

I don't think I'll type out yesterday's entry. I'll probably do my NeoPets work. Even if I stay up late again tonight, I still appreciate the OCP because at least I missed some stress this afternoon and I already have 4 hours of sleep. I'm running a fever now, but I think I need to get down to certain pieces of work.

I should also read De Wen's blog. The entry I read from his blog and responded to in my last entry was the one he wrote yesterday, so I have yet to read today's entries. I'm also chatting to some of my guild friends now.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, May 3, 2002 09:29 p.m.

Yexiang (that's my committee chairperson) just called to tell me to remember to collect all the photos from the committee members tomorrow and to hand them in since they were needed urgently. Sigh. I feel so incompetent not being able to do such a simple thing. I know it's just a reminder, but I just don't want to go the way of my senior. The previous PubCo secretary/treasurer didn't exactly measure up to expectations according to the council and eventually quit so I feel an even more immense sense of responsibility towards fulfilling my duties. Of course I don't exactly know the full details and I'm sure she had her own reasons for doing what she did, but then again, the only information I really get is what I hear from the 28th ExCo.

Right. So I'm back online again, much to the disapproval of my father. Again. After I've woken up to 2 missed calls, answered a call, sent an sms to 7 people and answered countless sms-es. The sleep was actually quite refreshing, considering I slept a pretty deep sleep, and also considering that one can see the contrast on waking up and re-entering a flawed world. Yes. There is no day when I don't feel the hurt from my family. My maid came knocking on the door calling me to dinner. Thankfully she exited after I told her I would not be taking dinner. To make things worse, my mother opened the door soon after and found me in the dark making sms. Yes. That was because Yexiang messaged me just as I was about to go to sleep again and I had to sms the rest of the committee. She then demanded to know what I was doing in the dark, and called me down to dinner AGAIN, and only stopped disturbing me when I got fierce and told her that I was sick and to stop disturb me. I think she is quite mild though, but maybe because I've known a violent father. She actually asked if I wanted a cold tablet. I disagreed because all I really wanted was to be left alone. If you hear my voice now you can really see that I am sick, but thankfully my brain is working better and I can at least work on my blog (no Maths tutorials please). I'm hungry but I don't want dinner and the reason I don't want dinner is because I don't want to eat with a group of people who call themselves my family and yet don't behave like it. I just hope I won't become like my grandmother, who's also giving problems with dinner, and won't come down when she's called.

More about my father. I actually locked the door after my mother disturbed me and promptly after that my dad opened the door. How did he open a locked door? And so quickly too. Normally he bangs on the door asking me to open it (note the word 'bangs') but this time he just took it upon himself to open my door. I count that a breach of privacy and I don't like it one bit. Anyway, what he did was ask me to come down to dinner (as usual) and I said no because I was sick, and he didn't believe me. He looked to see what I was doing. What happens was I was starting up the computer. I told him that I was using the computer for a while because I can't be sleeping the whole night. I wonder why I even woke up. Maybe it's because I've had enough sleep for the time being. After all, I've already had about 4 hours' of sleep. I'll probably sleep at my normal time or earlier tonight so that I'll be ok for tomorrow. Not that I will be totally well though. I still need to see a doctor, but at least I'll be better. I think sleeping does a lot. Obviously he didn't look happy. Why would he be? Did it even occur to him to care about my sickness if it so happen that what I was saying is the truth? He had nothing to say anyway, so he plunged on to his next point - the accusation. "Did you know your door was locked?" was the question. I forgot the answer and the retort. I don't care either. It's not like these conversations matter. After quite some time, I managed to forget my grandmother's existence. Now she's just a mere shadow which I don't acknowledge nor look at. I am trying to stop the conversations I have with my family from hurting me. To do that, I'm trying to stay out so I eat my own dinner, and come home to hide in my room. I just can't bear seeing my family. Yesterday I would have run away if I didn't depend on my family for basic survival and my education, and if I didn't owe it to my parents to even be in this world.

I've got a lot of things to say, especially about yesterday, but I haven't finished today's yet so I'd better hurry and relate today's thoughts and events before I start on yesterday's in another entry. Some thoughts and feelings are just so valuable to me that I can't see them wasted by not posting. Which is why yesterday when my computer kept hanging after I typed out an entry, deleting all my hard work, was so hurting. Not that I'd like to, but it isn't likely that my hurt feelings show so much, and I was typing my entries yesterday with such pent-up emotions. This feeling had to be wasted when I couldn't get my entries shown up, and instead of feeling more cooled down, I felt more riled up and tearful.

I was astonished at myself today. I went to the Staff Room after I'd obtained the Out of Campus Pass to look for my CT tutor so he could sign it. Thankfully, there would be a Maths lesson later, so I would be able to see him anyway, since I didn't manage to find him at the Staff Room. Since it was a few minutes before the lesson would begin, and there was a class occupying the classroom, I stood somewhere outside and closed my eyes briefly. Then, I heard a sound and opened my eyes after a lag time to see if I looked stupid standing there with my eyes shut, and lo and behold, my CT tutor was walking by. I felt so touched that he actually asked if I was all right. "Esther, are you all right?" It may be an ordinary thing, but it meant so much to me at that time. However, I wasn't in the right frame of mind to be polite at that moment, so I admit I didn't really handle the situation well. I said no in this whiny tone of voice and thrust the OCP in front of him to sign. He must have been shocked, but I hope he understood what I was feeling. He just took a pen out and signed the first slip, giving it to me and asking me to go home and rest. I felt so cared for then. I was pleasantly surprised that the whole procedure was completed so soon, and asked him. He explained that he would sign the other two copies of the OCP and give one to the CT rep when she came for lesson later, while he kept the other copy. It was raining and he even told me to get an umbrella from the council room. I said it would be ok though, partly because I wanted to get home as soon as possible and didn't want any delays, and partly because the council room was locked and I don't have the combination code to get in yet.

I was almost in tears when I saw my CT tutor signing my OCP and I so much wanted to tell him of the problems I've been facing with my family. It was so ironic that he actually cared to the minor details such as whether I needed an umbrella, and that he was so considerate and encouraging, saying kind words all the time. Of course I've had my fair share of disturbances with him. I'm not exactly a totally perfect person, and I can be rude and annoying at times. Besides, I ask too many questions in class, and keep disturbing him. Then, I have to be by far, it seems, the only girl in his class being depressed, going for counselling, skipping a few classes here and there, crying in school, and just having so many problems. I don't think he must have liked it, and I don't seem to appreciate his kind efforts too. I hated him for a time period after the scolding at camp, and I don't exactly respond well to anything when I'm mad, even when people are saying kind things. Still, he bothered with me when my family didn't. I was considering my plans for seeing a doctor etc. I would have seen a doctor today but I didn't have enough money with me and didn't want to borrow. I would have taken an MC on one day but I was forced to take an OCP so that I would come home at a suitable time, without my parents figuring out that I'd skipped school. They would never understand me skipping school. They would think that I was just trying to act sick and if I was really sick, that I just didn't have enough sleep. In general, they would put all the blame for my sickness for me. They hate all the parents' letters and staying home, even my mother, who's mild compared to my father. There's just a lack of trust here, and a lack of concern too. Between going to school and coming home, I would say I prefer going to school. My teachers and friends are the closest to me than my parents. My parents don't even know I've been sick for 2 months.

Alanna was quite frustrated with De Wen today. I refused to use the word 'pissed' because I just don't like that word and I don't feel it's proper. Anyway, I sided somewhat with De Wen, even though I'm sure Alanna had her own reasons for feeling that way and reacting that way. I don't like to judge. I was just quite shocked and momentarily stunned when Alanna snapped at De Wen and accused him of not paying attention to the announcement. De Wen was trying to confirm what to do when we reached Dunman High. I think Alanna was just irritated because she had quite a lot on her hands at the moment. I was sorry for De Wen, but now I'm selfishly glad I wasn't in his shoes at the moment, because I wouldn't have been able to take it. In fact, I didn't even fully side with De Wen because I was still angry with him, even though I could still act close to normal. He did notice though that I was being very quiet and ignoring him somewhat on the way to Dunman. I was that way because I was still angry with him and feeling sick then, to top it all off. My anger is unjustified somewhat though, but I just can't stop blaming him. I'm elaborating more about that in the next entry, hopefully.

I hope Alanna is all right anyway. Later when she called me, she did seem really busy, and I had to be sick and be at home too. Sigh. I think I blame myself too much. Or is my 'objective' view even correct? I claim to be looking objectively at certain things but perhaps even this view is wrong. I was just wondering if Alanna would kill me if she saw this entry. I know I've hurt people by making certain comments in this blog, because I'm open about my feelings, yet not too open to express them face-to-face. I don't feel comfortable yet with Alanna to know that the friendship we share is secure, and I don't want to lose that friendship, and frankly speaking I can relate to her somewhat, even though I'm only judging on the surface. I feel that she's the kind of person who values friendship, yet when provoked, she doesn't hesitate on breaking the friendship. I may be wrong here, but I know I do. I may be very sad when I'm driven to break a friendship, but I can be really protective of myself at times, especially when I'm hurt, and when there seems to be no hope of recovery and the person I'm angry with doesn't reach out to me to make amends. I'm appeased easily, I believe, and easily pleased. My feelings can have a complete turnaround. But as De Wen knows, I tend to feel bouts of superiority, and sometimes when I'm hurt, I feel I'm above that all, that the person doesn't deserve my affection, and I don't need his/her affection.

I'm having a fever now and not feeling well. I think I'll go to sleep. I don't know if I'll wake up again. Maybe I should, since De Wen could be online soon, but I'm not setting my alarm clock for anything other than 5am. I have to wake up that early because I need to settle for a few things before I have to be in school at 6.45a.m.. Cheering again. Should be quite fun, especially if the school isn't going. Frankly speaking, having the school there dampens the spirit somewhat, even though I know that a few in the school do bother to make their presence felt in a positive way. I don't blame them for not cheering since I gave similar problems back in Secondary School.

My dad yelled at my brother just now. When will he ever stop yelling? I remember last year I told him I wish he were dumb and he went into such a tantrum. Childish. Then, he just yelled and said not to give him a hard time because he was trying. I was so touched I cried. Sometimes I feel people exploit me because I'm too emotional. My father doesn't seem to have changed though. In fact, he seems worse. Oh well. I'm not going to wish he were dumb again. I think if he really became dumb, he would become more violent, since he wouldn't be able to express his anger through his voice.

I read De Wen's blog just now and nearly cried again. It was just so sad to understand things from his point of view. He seemed to be so confused and agonized, not being able to understand my cause of depression and anger and yet he wanted to reach me so much. I fear he may be like Ted Hughes, that he may eventually give up and leave me. Even though he claims it won't happen, I'm not ruling out the possibility. I'm sure Ted Hughes never meant to leave Sylvia Plath. De Wen says God will help him, but frankly speaking at this moment I don't want to hear about God. No, I'm not angry with him about wanting to leave me. I haven't got into that part yet. I was just musing, in case my dear readers are confused here. Nevertheless, I maintain that he will never reach me. He's gone quite far already in terms of understanding me and being there for me, but I doubt he'll ever reach me and see things from my point of view. I believe I have a mental illness.

I was just thinking about my anger. I feel that anger and disturbance with someone will only serve to make the relationship stronger if there was a relationship to begin wtih. Judging from experiences with Xin Yi, Chooi Mei and Pei Yu, I do fight with people and get hurt and angry but eventually we reconcile, and right now, I would really do a lot of things for them to show my appreciation that they are my friends. I only knew De Wen recently, which makes me wonder why we even have a relationship. On the way out with Ailin today, I suddenly realised how much I didn't know De Wen. We weren't from the same schools. We aren't even in the same class. We don't take the same subjects and he isn't even in council! The only reason we met was LD, and I suddenly recall the day I got into council and he was the first one to message me before I even knew the results. In fact, he was probably the only one who contacted me, because my running partners were probably understandably upset that they didn't get in that they forgot to let me know about the results. I don't know why I'm thinking all these things. I'm not coming to any conclusions.

I'm really tired. I'm going to sleep now. This is such a long entry. I'm probably going to have to rush out three entries on Sunday since I have a whole day of activities tomorrow and I still haven't written about yesterday. Maybe I can rush it out during breaks tomorrow i.e. in between cheering and PubCo Junior-Treat-Senior. We're going to Sizzler's for the latter so it will be a nice treat for myself even though I'll be forking out $50 which will most probably be from my mother anyway. As much as I hate to ask, I don't have the finances. Sigh...Argh...my head. I'm really going to sleep now.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, May 3, 2002 07:39 p.m.

I got an Out of Campus Pass today because I'm just not feeling well. This morning I felt like one feels when one is sick and in the doctor's office. My nose kept running during English Literature and I only had a limited supply of tissues so they ended up being soggy and reused. URGH. Still, I didn't feel so bad until we went to Dunman High to sell tickets for the ELDDFS production. Thankfully we did though. I didn't think I could sit through another lesson. My head just started hurting and I felt as if it were swimming.

At least I managed to get past selling tickets. I didn't speak much, but I smiled a lot. I also enjoyed listening to people. I think I really love watching people and how they interact. Somehow I was impressed with the Dunman High people. They seemed normal and happy, and I could see the friendship the group of them shared. I was shocked today when I found out that De Wen was from GEP, because even though I know a few people from GEP, I don't exactly like GEP people in general. Still, even though some of the people in the group were from GEP, they seemed pretty cool.

Uh...ok. I can't think of anything else to say. I think my head must be blocked at the moment because I suddenly don't feel like writing but I've got a lot to write. I'm going to check my mail now. Maybe I'll post later after a short nap.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, May 3, 2002 03:04 p.m.

Whew! I've been online for nearly 5 hours and I haven't taken a bath. I'll probably not take a bath until tomorrow morning though.

Going to wake up early tomorrow and do my English Literature essay and Maths tutorial. Or perhaps I'll work on my English Literature essay tonight since I'm not too tired yet. I just hope I won't die tomorrow. Perhaps I'll just go to sleep now and wake up at 4am in the morning. Haven't been paying too much attention to Maths. I should though. Someone motivate me to!

Quite pleased with the work I've done on this blog tonight and what I've been able to talk to De Wen about. My legs are aching now. Let me go to sleep. But before that, let me update on tonight's satisfactory Top 10 at 10! No. 3: Only Hope (Mandy Moore), No. 2: Insatiable (Darren Hayes) and No. 1: Make It Good (a1). a1's new song is really good. I must keep stressing that. If you're not in a good mood especially, listen to it. You'll be hyped up. :)

See ya the next time I blog and thanks for reading my blog!

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Thursday, May 2, 2002 12:15 a.m.

Just added De Wen's newly-created blog to this page. Wow...I was quite impressed with the whole layout and graphics, as well as the content. Brilliant. I even had to go look at my own blog to see if it was a little too childish compared to his blog.

Chooi Mei brought up this point that I've stopped using initials for my friends. Yes. I don't see the point in giving the names of people with Christian names but only stating the initials of people without Christian names. I did the latter at first because I wanted to protect the privacy of the people I was talking about, since I don't particularly trust the Internet and the strangers who go online, but I notice that most bloggers whom I know actually state a lot more information.

NeoPets is down again to some extent. I can't access the guilds page and for some reason the Grab Bags account isn't working. I hope it hasn't been hacked into.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, May 1, 2002 10:12 p.m.

As you can see, I've archived last month's entries and started a new page of blogging again. I'm trying to find an image of one pure green rain-dropped leaf at the moment for this page but I can't find it.

Today is Labour Day. What a day for labouring though. Yes, it was a public holiday, but public holidays mean that one has time and when one has time, one is given homework, and when one is given homework, one doesn't have time. It goes in this huge cyclical motion, resulting in people having, in general, no time. De Wen is probably laughing at this right now. ;)

Woke up early but at least it was later than a usual school day when I forced myself out of my bed. Didn't start off on the right foot though since I was majorly upset with my maid and mother because although I was rushing (completed the secretarial aspects of Students' Council) this morning) the whole world didn't seem to be helping me. I had no uniform and p.e. attire waiting for me, and my drawer seemed to be filled with loose socks. I hate such delays. Besides, my father later yelled at my grandmother as she was giving trouble again. Of all things to happen in the morning. Nevertheless, I got to school early (and earlier than most) and even had the time to walk to the school carpark gates and back, only to find that the school side gates and carpark gates were locked. Later De Wen showed me that the gates were just closed and not locked. Sigh... Wish everyone else knew that too. The councillors were climbing up the gates or squeezing through a little hole in the gates.

Council was not bad. We planned a PubCo Junior-Treat-Senior session for this Saturday. Later, I watched the 28th Students' Council boys play soccer with the 29th. Was watching Bianca (28th President) for quite some time though. She's the kind of person who looks admirable and respected. Was looking up to her as some kind of role model. Some part of me regretted not going to my class bench to catch up on undone homework since I brought my whole stack of homework to school, but another part of me did enjoy being with my friends. My council friends are turning out to be great pals. I look forward to developing a deeper friendship with them. When I left, the 29th boys were in the lead 2-1. I wonder what the final score is.

Went out with De Wen today. It was pretty cool, even though I was jokingly insulting him all the way, calling him a Merest Mortal and Lower Than Merest Mortal etc. etc. It's a private joke really...I doubt anyone other than us understands the whole idea. :) I hope he didn't mind though. Pei Yu and I insult each other all the time and don't mind the insults, but funny enough I can't stand my GP teacher's insults. I'm going to have to speak to the school counsellor about this. I know my GP teacher is not really purposely insulting people. I guess it's just her habit, but I do dislike her for it, resulting in my not really being very enthusiastic about GP.

De Wen and I went to Long John Silver's to eat. There's a new-looking one at Cathay Cineleisure and it's quite cool. The atmosphere is good and it sells a lot of things that other LJS outlets don't sell, e.g. the Grilled Fish. I ate a Value Combo 1 Meal as usual though. Don't really like changing my meal preferences. De Wen was commenting how expensive LJS was (since for some reason, I seem to voice out my opinions more when with him, and make choices - I think Xin Yi and Chooi Mei will know what I mean by this) and I realised why...he eats a lot more than I do, and his meals cost twice as much as mine do. Boys do eat a lot. No wonder I can hardly finish my food at The Chinese High School. The portions of food are so humongous there, one is amazed people can actually eat such vast amounts of food. I'm not teasing anyone here, just making a simple comment.

Later, we went to Coffee Bean to drink. It was a totally relaxing day. We actually intended to watch Talking Cock the movie but there wasn't any in Cathay Cineleisure - De Wen's fault :) and there was an astonishingly long queue at Lido. We ended up walking along Orchard Road and later sitting down on some dry seats outside Wisma Atria (am I right here?) and chatting. I finally plucked up enough courage to sing a few songs and I did manage to hit the right notes in Only Hope too. De Wen later sang God of Wonders, a song he really likes a lot. It was cool, and his voice was great. He just needs to be more confident and more forceful, in my opinion. I didn't sing very well today (even though De Wen was ok about it) but at least I managed to sing passably well and hit the right notes. My voice needs to come out more too. I need to put my heart into singing, because I was mostly conscious of what De Wen thought, unlike when I was singing in school, that I didn't really focus on singing the song well.

Reached home and had dinner with my family. My father was irritating as usual, indifferent to me, frowning whenever I spoke to him, putting his foot up on my chair (I positively HATE guys touching me), and later accusing me of doing something wrong with my Internet. The StarHub Internet account can't work at the moment, not even on my brother's computer, so now I'm using Pacific Internet.

I've got quite a lot of homework tonight. I have 2 essays to complete and my Maths tutorial. I think I should do my Econs tutorial too and if I have time and feel like it, to complete my Chinese. My classmates in Chinese class are a lot of more hardworking than I am, and I don't want to lag behind. It's not as if my Chinese is a lot better. Even De Wen's Chinese is better than mine, and he didn't even take Higher Chinese for O' Levels.

Yesterday, after some advertising by Chooi Mei, I watched Gilmore Girls. It was cool, and I could relate to the mother-daughter relationship problems that were prevalent in the episode. I wonder if De Wen noticed that I was a little sad today. I tried not to be, but I couldn't help thinking of my mother and how she treats me. I'm still mad at my family, and fearful that they may discover that I have a boyfriend and give me a hard time because of that. I blame them for my violence, and I blame them for not being able to be there for me. I'm glad I have De Wen and many friends at school, not to mention Xin Yi and Chooi Mei, but for some reason it hurts that my family is not there for me.

Well, off to do some NeoPets work. NeoPets was down yesterday, so I've got some work to catch up on. Besides, I need to get down to doing the Grab Bags before I really get kicked out of council.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, May 1, 2002 07:49 p.m.

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