Thy (Word)
"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters."
~Ps 23:2
rod (of duty) 4As for Block Test 1
1st class honours for English and Geography (5 years)
Get married
Michael Card cds!
Michael Card sheet music
Find cd holder
New cd player
Minutes
Treasury
Passing Down Report (job scope, calendar of events, improvement suggestions in soft and hard copies)
Compilation of Passing Down Reports
Photo orders
Geography Project
they (are my going out and my coming in) 31st March 2003 Time: 10.12a.m.
Music: Pilgrims to the City of God | Michael Card
Surfing: Autumn Song Reading: Bible
Movie: Wants to watch The Hours
Food: Egg Rolls (Supper)
Drink: Coke (Dinner)
Thinking: I feel very weak as a Christian
Mood: Thank God: His Word, for listening to prayers
Please pray: For discipline, wisdom
Catchphrase: Haha
comfort (my utterances) (a) Please do not take any of the written material (blogs, poems and prose) in this blog without permission. I value my writing.
(b) I have linked without asking permission. Please contact me if you would like your site unlinked. Sorry for the inconvenience.
(c) This layout is for Christine in celebration of her 18th birthday. The title image is taken from Copper Canyon Photo Gallery while the divider image is from Davo's Photo Index Page Thingy. Images have been adjusted, colorized and resized using Jasc Paint Shop Pro 6. The font used is Academy Engraved LET.
I'm falling into depression again. I can't believe it's so fast.
I was self-injuring, then I cut my nails so I wouldn't self-injure but it only hurt all the more, and I felt like I was carrying out a mini-operation on myself 'cos the nail was stuck and I had to dig it out and it hurt but I had to do it.
Then I thought, since I cut my toenails why not cut my fingernails too? And I did, but this time I don't know what got into me. I couldn't cut them properly and now they're all jagged and too in. I cut the ones on my left hand correctly. They're not too in and they're smooth. But the right hand ones are awful and they're so in anymore cutting will make the nails hurt.
I shouldn't have come online. I was feeling sad already, then a call with De Wen made it a lot better, then I came online and things went wrong. And I cried again, although it wasn't a serious cry, just a few tears here and there.
My dad just opened the door (funny how I was scared though I didn't show it...I thought it would be some unknown) and asked me if I was all right. Questioned if I was feeling well. Do I not look ok? I wonder why I induce coughs. But I do that when no one's around. I cried later. And I locked my door. When I cry I always lock my door so no one sees me crying.
It's the feeling that I've been a bad girlfriend, and that I am a bad girlfriend and somehow I won't get that out of my mind. I'm sick of the way I treat De Wen. My mood depends on how I treat him. I can be very noble, understanding and supportive, but I know one day I'll fall again, it's just how soon I fall. And now I'm not being v mean but I'm just withdrawing again. I wonder why I always sms him to tell him I'm depressed. Every day. But I am depressed every day.
Then there's the Yexiang issue. He's so...cold. Which I guess is natural, when your secretary who's been so nice and supportive of you suddenly blows up and gives you trouble. And I can't won't apologise, not because I'm not in the wrong, but simply 'cos I won't.
And you know why I'm weaning myself off NeoPets? 'cos I know the hols are ending. Yes, it's Monday, I tell myself, but somehow I just know it's the end of the hols. Mon is just like a security blanket. Once it's Tuesday everything will roll 'cos Wednesday is the outing with Wenjie (and it's a commitment and effort to me 'cos it means taking the initiative to socialise [in real life] with someone who's not in my close range -only 3 people are in my close range and they are De Wen, Xin Yi and Rachel-) and Thursday whole day is PubCo meeting and filming for elections video (and Yexiang's trying to be nice about it but I know although De Wen will plead and my heart says no I will still do it because I believe it is right -yes I give myself extra work because I believe it is right, because I will not see my committee floundering-) and before Thursday I've to get a lot of council stuff done, and there's the talking to Junhao about the treasury but I don't even feel like 'cos he probably doesn't feel like since the Exco's so stressed now (and even now I feel like I'm talking nonsense but bear with me 'cos I just need to rant k I'm not angry I'm just sad) and then Friday I hope I get to go out with De Wen really I do 'cos I am aching very badly every day even though there are perpetually-daily calls and more-than-daily smses.
I keep thinking of huge metal poles crashing into my back and hurting me, but it is alluring because of the 'twang' sound that's being produced when they hit my spine. Tonight I told to De Wen fairytales then suddenly I bruised and battered the kitten in the story and I stopped the story later because I was about to mutilate and decapitate the kitten, and tear it from limb to limb and leave it in a pool of blood after the dragon attacked it. And the kitten was awfully mean to the duck even though he tried to follow her, but actually what I didn't say was that the kitten was doing this for the duck's good, somehow. 'cos she didn't want the duck to get hurt. (If you know me better you'll understand the significance of the kitten and duck.)
I didn't feel like chatting or doing anything tonight. I didn't finish anything. And I ignored Choo Hui and Prisca. Felt v bad 'cos they were good friends, esp. Prisca, but I just didn't feel like talking and I didn't have the heart to say no. I'm sorry.
Bless me, God.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:57 p.m.
Monday, March 31, 2003
I'm falling into depression again. I can't believe it's so fast.
I was self-injuring, then I cut my nails so I wouldn't self-injure but it only hurt all the more, and I felt like I was carrying out a mini-operation on myself 'cos the nail was stuck and I had to dig it out and it hurt but I had to do it.
Then I thought, since I cut my toenails why not cut my fingernails too? And I did, but this time I don't know what got into me. I couldn't cut them properly and now they're all jagged and too in. I cut the ones on my left hand correctly. They're not too in and they're smooth. But the right hand ones are awful and they're so in anymore cutting will make the nails hurt.
I shouldn't have come online. I was feeling sad already, then a call with De Wen made it a lot better, then I came online and things went wrong. And I cried again, although it wasn't a serious cry, just a few tears here and there.
My dad just opened the door (funny how I was scared though I didn't show it...I thought it would be some unknown) and asked me if I was all right. Questioned if I was feeling well. Do I not look ok? I wonder why I induce coughs. But I do that when no one's around. I cried later. And I locked my door. When I cry I always lock my door so no one sees me crying.
It's the feeling that I've been a bad girlfriend, and that I am a bad girlfriend and somehow I won't get that out of my mind. I'm sick of the way I treat De Wen. My mood depends on how I treat him. I can be very noble, understanding and supportive, but I know one day I'll fall again, it's just how soon I fall. And now I'm not being v mean but I'm just withdrawing again. I wonder why I always sms him to tell him I'm depressed. Every day. But I am depressed every day.
Then there's the Yexiang issue. He's so...cold. Which I guess is natural, when your secretary who's been so nice and supportive of you suddenly blows up and gives you trouble. And I can't won't apologise, not because I'm not in the wrong, but simply 'cos I won't.
And you know why I'm weaning myself off NeoPets? 'cos I know the hols are ending. Yes, it's Monday, I tell myself, but somehow I just know it's the end of the hols. Mon is just like a security blanket. Once it's Tuesday everything will roll 'cos Wednesday is the outing with Wenjie (and it's a commitment and effort to me 'cos it means taking the initiative to socialise [in real life] with someone who's not in my close range -only 3 people are in my close range and they are De Wen, Xin Yi and Rachel-) and Thursday whole day is PubCo meeting and filming for elections video (and Yexiang's trying to be nice about it but I know although De Wen will plead and my heart says no I will still do it because I believe it is right -yes I give myself extra work because I believe it is right, because I will not see my committee floundering-) and before Thursday I've to get a lot of council stuff done, and there's the talking to Junhao about the treasury but I don't even feel like 'cos he probably doesn't feel like since the Exco's so stressed now (and even now I feel like I'm talking nonsense but bear wiht me 'cos I just need to rant k I'm not angry I'm just sad) and then Friday I hope I get to go out with De Wen really I do 'cos I am aching very badly every day even though there are perpetually-daily calls and more-than-daily smses.
I keep thinking of huge metal poles crashing into my back and hurting me, but it is alluring because of the 'twang' sound that's being produced when they hit my spine. Tonight I talked to De Wen about fairytales then suddenly I bruised and battered the kitten in the story and I stopped the story later because I was about to mutilate and decapitate the kitten, and tear it from limb to limb and leave it in a pool of blood after the dragon attacked it.
Bless me, God.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:57 p.m.
Monday, March 31, 2003
Many people are bored stiff by the holidays.
I am not one of them.
Truly, I am not bored. I am just beginning to enjoy myself, to do work which I like to do. Yes, playing NeoPets, playing games to earn NP, stocking my shop, reading blogs, blogging and doing layouts are work. But they are work I enjoy doing.
I have done all these. I have been online for the bulk of the holidays that have passed. I have been online pretty much the whole of today, oscillating between the blogging world and NeoPets. I have done everything that I have intended to do to my satisfaction.
And so it is now that I dramatically come back to reality. At least to the reality which was before the holidays began.
From this moment on, unless there be some unusual displacement, I will not go back to NeoPets.
I will not be unrealistic. I will not totally restrict myself. Blogging (and the reading of blogs) will be done. I will engage in other activities such as playing the piano and reading. But it is time to wean myself off NeoPets again, for I know, and always knew, that it was only a temporary repose for the holidays.
I read the entire book of 1 Thessalonians today. It's only 4 chapters, but I thank God for the reading. De Wen is thinking of embarking on the Christian website idea which I proposed a while back. I feel spiritually weak, and constrained by time. Part of me tells me not to waste my time (not to WASTE my time?!). It will take a lot of work but it will be a good endeavour. I'm praying about it.
-flips- The proposal I wrote from way back is here (in the diary which Chooi Mei gave me for my birthday). Content not edited since.
Idea
Aims:
>>To better my walk with God (personal)
>>To allow the discipline in using our talents (writing, studying) to serve God
>>To bless the lives of others
Constraints:
>>Time
>>Internet usage
>>Workload
>>Lack of Bible knowledge -> Thus this aims to improve Bible Knowledge. It also aims to maximise the use of time for God's work.
Proposing:
>>Daily QT and discussion
>>Collective writing of personal thoughts and feelings (updates) -> with spiritual perspectives (enabling focus on God)
>>Prayer (requests, personal and incoming)
>>Sunday Sermons and Youth, Sunday School -> Discussion before posting, with a set time for meetings
Time: Morning?
-apprehension-
Big thing
>>verse
>>design
>>name
>>hymns
>>reviews (books/cds)
>>something like an ezine -> personal refreshment
>>keeping to blogs would be great -> vs collective
pros and cons?
OR leave until after As :(
(ticktick)OR not daily but just sermons, then once a week, twice, thrice, daily.
I love plans. But somehow I'm v doubtful. Father, show me the way.
Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.
~Colossians 4:6
I feel an apology is in order.
I understand the stress which parties directly involved are facing, as well as the serious time constraints which everyone is facing, and I regret any insensitivity on my part. There was a serious lack of communication, and on my part I did not feel comfortable in enquiry or clarification as I did not think it was my place to do so. In addition, although I tried to be less cutting, my words have still been ugly and hurting, and for that I am sorry.
The past few days have been trying as I grapple with issues that have bothered me since the start of my council term, issues that have been hidden and have only resurfaced as I remember the pleasant times in AAA. As De Wen says, let my council term, if anything, be a testimony of the grace of God, who guided me through despite the tears, and who gave me opportunities for happiness and friendship. We have to move on one day, and one day I will return full-fledged to AAA. The guild still appeals, and I long to be back in the job and office again, if not in council. Given my council commitments, there is no way I can be as involved as I would like to be. I will settle for now for surface, but enjoyable contact with my guild, dabble in NeoPets for a short season, and put my heart and soul in council once again when it heats up. I will fully return to NeoPets and the guild when I am let off from my council duties. As Nat says, I hope I find as much passion for council as I did, and have for the guild.
Today I willed myself to work hard for Eleco. I also thought about my place in council, why I didn't want to take part in council informal activities. I tried at first. I went for man3 yue4, I went for Christmas and I went for all the PubCo outings. Then I stopped going. I didn't go for Chinese New Year and Sentosa. I was sick for Sentosa, but I chose not to go for Chinese New Year amidst the moral pressures. Yes I said I would go, but I was very stressed out over my other commitments, and frankly, I felt left out, through no fault of anyone. Now I wonder if I'd go out for a PubCo outing. Maybe I see now the unwillingness of my committee to go for PubCo outings even if Yexiang tried so hard (perhaps it's also because I fell out with Yexiang that I feel this way). It's just the lack of common interests. I always adopt a professional approach towards parties. I make sure everyone gets a good time, and I take the initiative to go around and socialise although I'm characteristically a loner/drifter. In conclusion I also end up enjoying myself because I'm talking to different people. But in council, I don't enjoy myself because I don't like playing bridge and blackjack and I don't want to gamble. They let me play although I didn't gamble but pretty much no one cared about me afterwards because I wasn't putting out any money. I don't like ball games. Besides, as a loner/drifter, every effort to socialise has to be from my individual initiative, and after a while I just lost the interest to bother to fit in. I have other commitments after all, and I have my few close friends who I feel actually close enough to to have fun with. I'm not close to any councillor except Aishu, Nat and Wenjie. I hope to develop a closer friendship with Wenjie (I agreed to accompany her for the NUS Open House on Wednesday and I'm going to make sure I have fun with her that day). I am thankful for the online chats with Nat (I'm sorry I don't message you Nat, but thank you for always messaging me and for taking the effort to talk to me and initiate discussions. I felt like an errant kitten today. Thanks for hearing me out and staying with me through this tough time). Aishu called me today after I didn't send her a single sms. This is my best friend in council we're talking about here, and I haven't been treating her right simply because I've been too involved in other things. I've been spending time with De Wen, and I have a lot of other work to do, both council and schoolwork. I know sometimes I shrug her off, and I'm sorry for that. She wondered if I was angry with her and ignoring her on purpose. Sigh. No, I just don't sms very much now because my sms bill is heavily exceeded (which also adds to my irritation with council 'cos every message to my committee means 7 smses gone, and sometimes I get changes in message/updates/messages that come right after I send the mass smses out. This irritates me immensely. To curb this I've been combining smses (I'm pretty good at summarising messages now) and not sending personal smses out (unless they're included in my committee smses). I didn't reply Aishu's queries because I knew Yexiang was going to call her later. I thank Aishu for calling me. Even for Xin Yi, who suffers heavy delays in my sms sending (I try to send her replies but sometimes I just leave personal smses unanswered), I appreciate her understanding. As for De Wen, who sends me about 5-10 smses a day, I only reply one, or maybe two. As Run Yan says, "You [referring to me] suck". I do, yes. If I had 700 smses I would reply, but I don't unfortunately, and I don't want to exceed my sms bill again. I've been trying very hard for months, and I'm cutting down my messages more and more. As for my phone bill, I've also been extensively saving, and I have not called anyone from my phone (I believe) and only received phone calls. Now De Wen calls my house. When I receive phone calls I also cut down on the amount of talktime and do not engage in any form of personal conversations, I believe.
On the whole, I have been trying. This is not for justification purposes, but as a form of self-reassurance. I should not put myself down, but at the same time I have to learn to understand the difficulties of others, cope with many of the problems I believe are inherent but difficult to eradicate within council (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change), and just put in my best effort. There is no point complaining about my lot but rather, I should ask God for strength and wisdom to see me through to the end of my council term and appreciate the opportunities presented me to be a good testimony for Him. If Paul while He was in prison, could ask the Colossian Christians to pray that opportunities for him to share the gospel would arise, instead of for the satisfaction of material needs and bodily comforts, nor his liberation from prison, then God can also work a miracle, however small, in me, in any situation. If I feel so sinful and unworthy, it will only be a greater miracle that He will work within me, and He is capable of that.
Grace be with you all.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:12 p.m.
Saturday, March 29, 2003
And how have the past few days been?
1. Sleep
2. Cry
3. Eat (Well at least I'm eating. Not funny.)
4. Talk/Chat (There's a difference between the two.)
5. Play a bit of piano
6. Read blogs and a little bit of the papers
7. Play NeoPets (didn't get v involved with guild, but did shop layout and stocking, played some games)
8. Reminisce (read a bit of De Wen's archives, visit the lookups, petpages, galleries and shops of people I knew from NeoPets until it became too painful)
9. De Wen says "I love you dear." suddenly. Feel so touched I start crying.
10. Go out with family (Swensen's, Suntec City). Dress up and actually look pretty, only to feel superficial that how I feel about myself is based on how I look.
11. Blow up at my com chair (finally) and then feel utterly miserable that wo3 kan4 chuo4 ren2 (how do you interpret this?) and that a good friendship is strained. I feel v disappointed in my com chair, the way things are running, and frankly if I could I would quit council straightaway believe me. I will not bother to hide my feelings anymore. Right now the obligation that I owe my fac who voted me in still weighs on my shoulders and I am happy to shoulder this burden for them, but I don't care anymore if anyone thinks I'm a bad councillor. No one does, only I think I am, and I can't shake the impression off my mind. I always blame myself, don't I? I accuse myself of murder, of stealing all the time, even when I know v well I didn't do anything wrong. I keep thinking Exco will give me points for being a bad councillor even though they probably couldn't care less about me.
12. Go on a male-bashing spree (shi4 jie4 shang4 de nan2 ren2, mei2 you3 yi4 ge4 shi4 hao3 dong1 xi de - none of the guys on earth are good) and fume in silence (breathe in-breathe out- breathe in -breathe out).
13. Show obvious signs of irritation to family, sometimes to the point of yelling.
14. Self injure (master plan and otherwise) and act out self-composed Chinese stories of women in pain and helplessness. Imagine screaming. Twisted. Suicidal thoughts.
15. Type v loudly on the keyboard.
16. Stare at blood.
17. Stay away from God and consider satanism only to pull self back. (Another one of those things I hope I will never dabble in.)
18. Bury head in coat and hug coat for comfort like some mental case as I battle waves of chest constrictions which are so painful they make me cry. The usual water-drinking won't help relieve the pain.
19. Browse Times bookshop (while going out with family -I feel like a real hypocrite because I'm refusing to go for the PubCo meeting 'cos of SARS and yet I'm going out, but once again I'm accusing myself again 'cos I know v well that I wouldn't go out unless I have to and this time it's 'cos my parents won't go home even though I tell them I want to go home). Pick up and browse, and then put back books as I feel depressed after reading them. Decide to go to the kids section instead and have a short time of laughs reading Two of a Kind (it's v funny) only to feel that my laughter is empty. Message De Wen saying I'm miserable. He messages back asking me why. I tell him why. He messages something I forget. I ignore his question.
20. De Wen calls. I have a few laughs with him, but there are sad points, and some where I feel scared 'cos I think of cat pontianaks and I keep mewing. Then I think of that night and feel worse. He has to put down the phone. I feel sad but eventually put down the phone. I feel like an irritant although he says I'm not.
And the conclusion is...
1. I should do more Maths.
2. I should get back with God (maybe church tomorrow will help).
3. I am now waging a cold war against Tan Yexiang and because of that I am getting angry at the entire male population (of council, Hwa Chong, THE WORLD). Which means that I'm in a dangerous case of mental instability and anti-council. The surprising thing is, I have always prided myself on being professional, and I still am (although as usual I'm accusing myself of not being again). I will not affect my council work because I will not let it. I am responsible.
4. I will be less dependent on De Wen. I am already, and I am succeeding, even though this means I am being highly mean to him because at this moment I DON'T CARE. (Actually I do, but no one needs to know that, do they?)
And this is all I have to say for now. Do NOT judge. I can remember being this angry before. I can remember cold wars. But I haven't experienced this in a while (close to a year, perhaps). And please, kindly refrain from vulgarities or mean things or I will virtually claw you up, and blast you online. I am NOT KIDDING. And I am very VERY VERY^10 MAD.
1. What was your most memorable moment from the last week? Sigh. All I can think of is (block test)^10. Maybe the Maths paper and how I was sitting at the foot of the stairs crying my eyes out after it.
2. What one person touched your life this week? De Wen was a great encouragement and comfort. I was v down this week and he was there when I cried (4 days). He was also a person I could talk to and gain advice from in the fiasco with my com chair.
3. How have you helped someone this week? I don't like to think of how I helped someone. It seems very braggy to talk about things like that.
4. What one thing do you need to get done by this time next week?
Don't get me started on all the work I have to do, please.
5. What one thing will you do over the next seven days to make your world a better place?
Nothing! Pah! Idealistic imaginations... -mutters-
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:12 p.m.
Friday, March 28, 2003
(Just written.)
=======
Love Me To you
Love me not for my love for the Saviour
Love me not for my Maths-loving mind
Love me not for my cheerful disposition
Love me just 'cos I am me.
Love me not for the love that I gave you
Love me not for the time that I spent
Love me not for the past or the future
Love me just 'cos I am me.
Love me not for the flowers by the window
Love me not for the letters I wrote
Love me not for the test tube in the drawer
Love me just 'cos I am me.
Love me not for the hands when I touch you
Love me not for the tears when I cry
Love me not for the lips that embrace you
Love me just 'cos I am me.
And when the years roll to cloud my spirit
And when the mind forgets what has gone by
And when my health can't be healed by a doctor
Love me just 'cos I am me.
=======
God bless you my dearest.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:37 p.m.
Friday, March 28, 2003
Getting increasingly distant, aloof and frustrated with myself. Sharing yes, but not feeling good about it.
These personality tests were taken off Nat's blog.
You are a freeform writer. Individualistic with a sense for the different and challenging, Walt Whitman and his poetry lacking meter and rhyme is just what the doctor ordered. You're quick to write something that the rest of the world doesn't accept as poetry, quick to separate yourself from the average joe. An author with a true sense of self, you have confidence in your abilities and aren't afraid to show it. :) GO YOU!
You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a little bit cocky and usually associated with evil or arrogant, but attractive people. You probably just don't give a damn, but it's everyone else's fault if you don't because you're too awesome to have any real faults.
I woke up past 1 this morning, which probably explains why I'm able to stay up until now.
Today was a pretty good day. I played a bit of piano, chatted to De Wen on the phone, talked to Nat, went out for Swensen's Sticky Chewy Chocolate ice cream after dinner, and talked to Nat and De Wen online.
The highlight of the day was NeoPets-related. I went back to look at the guild, the guild webpage, and my shop. The Angels and Avengers (AAA) guild has indeed expanded a lot, in terms of its council, ranks, projects and activities. I was impressed with how much it had grown, how professional this large organization was. I rejoined the guild and requested to be changed to an Avenger like I started out as. Then I posted a message on the guild message board, e-mailed Analise for her great job on the HTML help page and went shopping and restocking my shop. I also updated the layout of my shop, which explains my staying up. I would greatly appreciate it if you would take a look at it.
I was talking to De Wen about NeoPets, recounting and reliving the guild experience, from when I started out as an Avenger to Level 5 (Mei: What job did we share assisting Gale, and later Tracy?). I told him about the activities, the jobs, the ranks, the council and the people. I didn't get to finish telling him about council as it was too late. I'm very sure many people know that I can go on and on about AAA.
I thought about my Hwa Chong council experience. Recently I have not been very supportive of council because of certain problems. I wondered today if it was a good choice joining council and forfeiting AAA guild, where I was very active in as a councillor. Perhaps it was, since it gave me exposure to a wealth of activities I would have never known otherwise, as well as a group of friends I would treasure always. As for the AAA guild, I did glean a lot from my experience there, both from my diverse involvement in many jobs and roles (Week of Neopia, Guild Newsletter, Charitable Cherubim, Assistant to Guardian Angel, Council) and from my specialisation in various projects (my love was, and still is, for Monitors (an apparently non-existent job now), Avenging and Project Crackdown).
I love AAA guild. It was an integral part of my NeoPets life, and of my life in general. It was where I gained experience, forged friendships, developed opinions and made decisions. As I look at it now still prospering, I wish I was a major part of it. I wish I had continued to be there when things happened like they always did, when events happened, problems arose, and when people came and left. Isn't this like council in Hwa Chong now? The events and the problems? It's different. AAA was different in that it capitalised on my strengths more, in planning, organising, writing, helping, teamwork and decision-making etc. I gave because I pushed myself to give, because I wanted to give, and I appreciated the times when I gave of my time and effort the most, and was repaid even more. Right now, things still are the same. Whenever I gave more e.g. during Open House, Prom, Orientation and Chinese New Year, I appreciated the event more, even if it was tough, and even if I gave up a lot (studies, time, effort). But somehow it's during events like Mid-Autumn Festival, and now, Eleco, that get me down, because of non-communication and disagreements (event or non-event related, but definitely council-related) and the sheer time involved that I'm not willing to give. It's not just the magnitude of time. It's the falling of council dates at the wrong time and the fact that I have no choice but to comply because council comes first. And the feeling that I get at the end of the term of having never really fit in, or doing something that made me proud of myself (yes there were little things, but nothing like what I did at AAA). The time problems at AAA were there, and eventually I quit because I was unable to do my job such that I did my conscience justice, but somehow they aren't the same, you get my drift?
I wonder why I did so much more in AAA. I wonder why I could say things in AAA. I wonder why I could contribute, why I could stay up, why I could work and slog for AAA. I remember even doing my guild job while travelling. I wonder why I tried so hard. It was my AAA experience that prompted me to join council. Why is it then that I feel so burnt out in council now, that I don't want to have anything to do with council anymore, that now every little piece of work comes as a huge burden, and I don't even want to do the treasury anymore 'cos it's such a hassle, and I just realise that I have minutes to do just a while after fixing the entire minutes file, and Yexiang is thinking of combining QM and Secretary/Treasurer and I'm like, 'Huh? Do you want that person to die of overwork?' and I'm angry with him 'cos he doesn't tell me a lot of things and I'm supposed to assist him, and the filming of the video, and the work sessions, and the ...
Calm down.
I rant too much for my own good. But then again, half of it stays off my blog anyway so I guess it's not that bad. -cough- There are other things I'm not happy about, but which I believe can't be changed, so I shall stop being unhappy about them (but how can I when my personal integrity has been attacked simply because I'm a councillor?). I talked to Nat a bit today. I didn't want to go too far 'cos um...she was getting a bit fierce, and partly 'cos I've been through counselling and friends' talks before and I know not to push my limits (yes even with De Wen) because people are human (I have realised that I am the only one who continues to remain emotionless while counselling others -But do you ever know that when I put an arm around your shoulder and keep my voice steady and comforting and my head a wealth of reason that my eyes pool with tears at your pain? Of course you don't, you don't look into my eyes to see my tears, and I try to prevent you from it anyway-). But I guess what she said was sensible. I remember 3 very important points: a) It's ok to rant. b) I'm not alone. c) I have blessings. Which is true. I am thankful for my blessings and I know the blessings which I have. Thank you Nat for reminding me and for listening.
The hurt doesn't go away. It never does, you know? Today was a day of reminiscing. I told De Wen about my sad self-injuring childhood (which was much worse than now). But I guess there are things to be thankful for. Like the sun I saw yesterday and the sky. And the ice-cream. And family. And friends. Experience. Work completed. AAA council. But even as I say this I want to put down HC council but I can't 'cos however hard I think now I can't see anything.
(Kitty: Well, you know there is something good.
Imp: But it's nothing I wouldn't have gained elsewhere. Kitty: You know that's not true.
Imp: Not entirely, but the cost has been too high.)
I'm in a serious case of HC council-denial now 'cos of many reasons I don't want to say here. It's not just what I mentioned. It's a lot more just that I never told anyone except De Wen. And I've stopped my personal smses to my committee 'cos I'm withdrawing. I try, really I do, to counsel myself, to think of the good points of council. And I do know the good points. I mentioned them before. But somehow, they're not enough to make me stay.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 03:37 a.m.
Thursday, March 27, 2003
You are a child's kiss. Completely sweet and innocent and pure. You mean no harm and only love in your sweet kisses.
Happy Birthday Chrissie! God bless you in the coming year.
Geography was ok. The studying was tough, but I thank God for giving me strength and De Wen for encouraging me to rest (hence resulting in a clearer and more relaxed mind during the paper). I didn't study the last three sets of notes, and I only studied each set of notes once, but I could do the paper. I just hope the teachers can read my handwriting. I tried. I'm very happy with my time management this time round.
The first SARS death in Singapore has prompted the health ministry to bring forward one week of the June holidays. Primary and secondary schools, as well as junior colleges, have been closed down until the 6th of April. While I am irritated with the disruption, I am too tired and busy to concern myself too much with this. I only pray for an improvement in this prevailing health condition, for God's protection upon my loved ones and I, and for His closeness to those affected by this tragedy. I will be taking adequate rest this holiday as I have seriously burnt out from the block tests (Thank God for this break and for the successful completion of my papers), and doing Maths tutorials to improve my standard of Maths. Please pray for my recovery from a bad cough that I've been experiencing since the beginning of the week, I believe.
I've been chatting the night with Grace, Raining, De Wen, Nat, Prisca, Christine and Mei. Chatting is good.
Today's early morning sky was beautiful and the morning sun was very pleasant. God has been good.
I want to share this song here. It's an old hymn sung by Michael Card on his Starkindler cd. I love both the words and the tune. There are many tunes to this song but I find this one the nicest. Please pay attention to the words. The lyrics and information regarding this song have been taken from the Starkindler album sleeve.
The King Of Love My Shepherd Is | Michael Card Text: Adapted from Psalm 23
by Henry Baker, 1821-1877
Music: St. Columba
String arrangement: Craig Duncan
The King of love my Shepherd is
Whose goodness faileth never
I nothing lack if I am His
And He is mine forever
Where streams of living water flow
My ransomed soul He leadeth
And where the verdant pastures grow
With food celestial feedeth
Perverse and foolish, oft I strayed
But yet in love He sought me
And on His shoulder gently laid
And home, rejoicing brought me
In death's dark vale I will not fear
With Thee, dear Lord, beside me
Thy rod and staff, my comfort still
Thy cross before to guide me
Thou spread'st a table in my sight
Thine unction grace bestoweth
And O what transport of delight
From Thy pure chalice floweth
And so through all the length of days
Thy goodness faileth never
Good Shepherd may I sing Thy praise
Within Thy house forever
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:31 p.m.
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
I was reading Psalm 118 today and this verse struck me.
Psalm 118:17
"I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD."
I must remember that my life is not mine, but God's. I think of pain and suicide, and am bitter, but ultimately my life is not mine to take, and I do have a purpose in life, to 'declare the works of the LORD'.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:28 p.m.
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
This year's block tests are a lot more challenging.
The GP essay questions were competitive, but doable. I did "'Sometimes, the price of progress is too high.' Discuss this with reference to three examples." I felt I did a good essay. I finished on the dot and did not have any time to check my work, but the handwriting was quite good and clear, and I was pleased with my product.
What followed later was a tad distressing though. The comprehension questions were tricky, and I spent too much time on the first few pages of questions. As a result, I did not manage to answer the application question adequately since I had only 10 minutes left to spend on it. My summary and application questions were also completed with atrocious, and could-be unreadable handwriting. My handwriting at the start of the comprehension paper could also have been better, but somehow it deteriorated after the essay.
Economics MCQ was very difficult. Given my strengths in MCQ, I had chosen to concentrate more on my concepts and so had revised the notes many times in preparation of the essay paper. I'd gone into a panic and started mugging for Econs. (Disclaimer: Mugging is not equivalent to studying. Mugging is an intensive form of CRAMMING information into the brain at high speeds. It involves talking to oneself and teaching oneself the facts verbally, using the finger gliding along the lines of the notes quickly as a motivation for speed. It necessitates the rapid flipping of pages, quick visualisation and skimming (which comes AFTER reading the notes once through first). At least in my definition. Essay was ok but there wasn't enough time.
I had wanted to study in the library for the Maths exam the next day, but I was distracted by the computer, and was feeling down and alone. Nevertheless I had been working on my Maths during the holidays, and I practised some more at night, reviewed the concepts on the bus and before the exam and ensured that I had a pretty good chance of scoring for the paper. That didn't keep me from being nervous, however, since I was haunted by last year's failure.
The studying helped as I could attempt some questions, but I was still broken down by the paper as it was very challenging. Objectively speaking, I felt the paper was very unfairly set as all the questions were very difficult. I managed to solve some of the questions, but with much difficulty, others, I simply could not find a solution even though I had done a lot of practice questions and tried to apply different solutions. It appeared that the hardest concepts in each topic were being tested, and at the end of that gruelling 3-hour paper, there were questions that I simply did not even read, not to mention attempt, due to the sheer lack of time resulting from the effort needed to attempt the questions. It was my first time, I believe, crying, and crying many times after an examination.
(I will not be put down though. I will study even harder and put in consistent effort for the next block test.)
Tomorrow is Geography. I have been studying. It helps to divide work. I'm tested on 6 sets of Physical Geography (completed over the holidays) and 11 sets of Human Geography. Out of these 11 sets, 6 are Population Geography and 5 are Urban Geography. I studied 2.5 sets of Population Geography today. But I need to give myself breaks as I can feel myself burning out. Every night I push myself to study under strains of fatigue. I tried, but I didn't put enough effort into studying during the holidays. I can do this though, and I will do this. If I need to, I will just give this my all and pull an all-nighter like I did pretty much for Lit during Promos. Thank God Geography is an afternoon paper. As is my practice, I will probably come to school early in the morning and study until my paper. I must finish Population Geography tonight. Urban Geography is a newer topic, and I studied the first three lecture notes a few weeks ago. Urban Geography is shorter too, so I'm working on Population Geography first. I'd wanted to just do all my notes in a haphazard manner, based on the shortest, to boost my morale, but I felt that the content would mostly come out of the longer ones, and since I want to study everything anyway, I'd might as well study it according to the systematic order provided.
I'm in the school library now, going to play the piano for a while. I've been very very exhausted, but studying does have its element of fun. After piano, I'll go grab an Ultimate from Coffee Bean to reactivate my brain for more studying. It shouldn't be that bad, and tomorrow after Geography should be fun, studying for Lit!
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:18 p.m.
Monday, March 24, 2003
(Taken of Victoria's blog)
Gee whiz, tell Mommy to stop babying you so much and get out of the house once in a while. You are the typical nerd. Congradulations, the other kids walk all over you and make fun of you, but you'll show them someday when you develop the latest line of anti-depressants that they will need when they are 35.
In the academic area, I did Differential Equations assignment (2nd attempt), 1 question of Integration and some Econs today. I will continue Econs later. My GP tutor hasn't given me feedback on my essay. I wish she'd told me earlier she wouldn't be able to give me feedback instead of leading me on. Maybe she just forgot.
I have also listened to the Soul Anchor and Starkindler cds of Michael Card. They are good. De Wen and I might listen to the entire Starkindler cd tomorrow morning before the exams.
I don't feel like blogging. I did, but my heart aches too much now. Something went wrong during my conversation with DW today. It's my fault. It always is. I try, but things just go wrong, you know?
I guess I could talk it out, but I'm sick of talking things out all the time. I want to be brave. I was positive today (although I sweared at some people during the afternoon), and even though I was tired and a bit down I still continued studying. Let me go bathe. Maybe I'll cry a bit to myself in the shower and pray. Then I'll feel better and start studying again, and sleep early and wake up for tomorrow's exam.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:00 p.m.
Sunday, March 23, 2003
This is a very minorly edited copy of last week's sermon. Since I have the privilege of knowing the preacher (Pr Mark Chen), I managed to get a typewritten copy of his sermon from him. All emphasis (words in italics or underlines) has been left as it was in the notes. I personally feel this message is a very powerful and good one, and I pray that God will give me a desire to go to him for healing from my sins.
So far in the series of messages we’ve had at the 8 AM service on "Do you know my Jesus," we have considered among other things, His prayer life, His compassion, His submission, His kingship, His humility, and His authority. But among the topics, the most pertinent ones I believe, if you can at all rank them, are the last four. They all deal with Christ’s work of salvation. We dealt with one last week – Christ as the lover of sinners, we will deal with one today, and the last two will be dealt with, God-willing, in the weeks to come.
And although the topic is on the Lord Jesus and who He was and what he did, in today’s message, our focal point will not be directly on Christ but on the souls that he healed. Now, you might ask, "What is so remarkable about these individuals that we must sacrifice our focus on the Lord to focus on them?" Well, we’re not sacrificing anything, because as we move from the picture, if you will, of each individual to another, and examine the focus of each, we will realize that the settings of all these three pictures are the same. And when we put them together, as with a panorama picture formed by putting three or more photographs together, we will see a magnificent view of that setting, of the Lord Jesus Christ himself, thereby revealing our Lord even more.
The first picture that we see is of Peter’s mother-in-law in her house at Capernaum. We learn that she was sick in bed with a fever, and being the Great Physician He was, Christ healed her of the fever, and we learn that she arose and ministered to them. What we see at the focus is a woman, sick, and bedridden with a fever. And the fact that it was Peter’s mother-in-law is not remarkable except that it proves Peter was married, and not single as some Christian sects would claim. However, what is remarkable is not seen right away. As every photograph has a focal point, it also has a background. And it is the background of this photograph that is remarkable. What is interesting about this picture is the fact that the one healed was a woman. And this tells us something about Jesus as the Healer of Souls. How so?
Now, the first thing that many Jewish men did every morning was to pray "Lord, I thank you that I was not born a slave, a Gentile, or a woman." The reason they did this was because of the low social status of such individuals in the land. The position of the slave was despised not only because he had no property to his name but because he had to perform the most menial tasks; the Gentile was despised because of his uncleanness as he did not perform the purification rites of the Jews; and the position of the woman was also loathed because she was a burden to the family – with no wealth to her name. And not only was Peter’s mother-in-law a woman, but she was sick. We are told that this fever, and Luke called it a great fever, had made her bedridden. The prospect for complete cure was, in those days, only something to be hoped for. Diseases ran rampant and medical science was non-existent. If a person survived a disease it was usually because the illness had run its course, and whether it was a fatal disease or not, most illnesses caused pain and suffering. And in those days, you couldn’t take a Panadol to alleviate the pain – you had to bear with it until the disease left you.
But the background tells us something else. We also learn that she was living in Peter’s house, meaning, very likely, that she was a widow. To be a widow in those times was seen to be a curse; the poverty and the stigma of uselessness was enough cause for many to consider it better for such a one to die, rather than to nurse her back only to sustain her again and who knows what kind of debilitating effects the disease would leave her with.
But Jesus cured her illness despite her social status. And interestingly, just before he healed Peter’s mother-in-law, in the 9 verses before, he healed, now get this, the slave of a Centurion, a Gentile! So we see that Jesus is a healer of the souls of the lower caste. Indeed, the proud and self-righteous Jewish men would have seen all these things – that the caste of a person or even the race made no difference. Jesus’ healing, as spoken of by the prophet Isaiah, the healing of the Messiah was to men and women alike no matter what their social status was.
But one other thing we want to see before we move on to another picture is the fact that Peter’s mother-in-law, after she was healed, ministered to them – and we learn from parallel passages, she did this immediately. Not only had the great fever left her, but she had no adverse side effects. And straightway, she tended to His needs. This showed her gratitude. Another example of such gratitude is seen in Luke 17. Jesus encountered 10 lepers pleading for mercy, and he healed them; but when they were healed, only 1 turned back and glorified God, falling at the Lord’s feet. And he was a Samaritan, another of the lower castes. And the Lord’s words to this man were, "Arise, go thy way, thy faith hath made thee whole." And so too, it was with this woman. She ministered unto the Lord, the only thing she could do, as an expression of her gratitude and faith – and that’s an important point. What a picture of healing. But we move on.
The next picture we take a look at is that of the man afflicted with the palsy. We know, through parallel passages, that this man had to be lowered into the room where Jesus was, through the roof, because the crowd was so large. And obviously the room in which Christ was in was crowded, with the stories of his works and miracles being noised around. We learn that many came to him and he taught them. Where did all his fame come from? We learn from John chapter 2 that Jesus had worked a miracle in Cana, also a city long the shores of the Sea of Galilee. We learn from Mark chapter 1 how when he was first in Capernaum, he cast out a demon from a man in the synagogue, of course, as we just saw, he healed Peter’s mother-in-law of the fever she had. We see that in his preaching tour of Galilee he did the same, casting out demons wherever he went. We also see him cleansing a leper from the disease, effectively healing the man completely, in a place and time when leprosy was considered the most deadly communicable disease. And with this sort of fame, it is no wonder that he had a throng of people following him wherever he went. These people followed Jesus, I’m sure for many reasons – some out of sheer wonder at the miracles that he worked and some because of his teachings. We are told in Mark 1:22 that there were those who were amazed at his teachings because he taught as one having authority. So there were those who followed Jesus because they could get something out of him, and others because they wanted to learn from him. Jesus, you could say, had his own fan club early in his ministry. And so, the friends of the paralyzed man had to brave the crowds in a most unusual way in order to get to Jesus. And the fact that the man with the palsy was lying on a bed showed the great extent of his paralysis. All this we are able to see at the focal point of the picture. But what does the background tell us?
Well, we may surmise, that this man afflicted with the palsy no doubt, thought that his illness was a punishment for his personal sins, as was the common Jewish belief then. This, too, was the belief among Job’s friends concerning Job’s afflictions. So not only was this paralytic suffering from his illness physically, but he was probably tormented with this thought, suffering emotionally. And so this would have made him more determined to see Christ, even to the extent of risking death being lowered down the roof of a house. And since he associated his illness with his own sin, his paramount concern would have been to seek out forgiveness. But one thing we take note of in this picture is that the man and his friends had faith in the power of Christ to heal. And when the Lord Jesus saw the extent of faith this man had in seeking healing for his soul, the Lord said to him, "Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee." Or, as another translation has it, "Take courage, My son." In other words, Jesus was assuring the man whose heart was yearning for forgiveness, that indeed it would be given him. And it was then that the man was healed of his illness and of his sins, over which he had felt great guilt. In this picture, focus and background, we see that Christ is a healer of the souls of the downcast.
But it was then that the proud and self-righteous scribes said to themselves that Jesus blasphemed. And just as Christ saw into the heart of the paralytic and saw his faith, he saw into the hearts of the scribes and saw their thoughts. He called their hearts evil, because what was so plain to the rest that Christ had forgiven that man’s sins was authenticated by the healing. Indeed, there is no one blinder than the one who refuses to see. And such were the scribes – they refused to see, the plain facts in front of them were blurred beyond focus by their false righteousness. What wondrous healing and what colossal stupidity we see in the same picture. But we leave this picture and go to the next.
In the next picture, we see a man named Matthew sitting at the receipt of custom, meaning, at the table of the tax collectors. And from this as well as parallel passages, we know that Matthew was a publican. And according to the parallel passage in Mark 2:13, this was by the sea, and Jesus continued to have a multitude of people following Him. Jesus called to Matthew to follow Him, and Matthew arose and did so. On the surface, the focal point, if you will, we see a man who has had absolutely no prior history with Jesus, who at this one command, leaves the table and follows Him. A bit strange you might think. Why would a publican leave his table, his prosperous job, to follow a man he had never met? That is all we are told at the focal point. But the background sheds a bit more light. It is a known fact that tax-collectors and publicans, in the days of Jesus, were prohibited from worshiping in the synagogues and even to enter the temple, as they were considered unclean, even on par with the pig. And the reason why they were viewed as such was because they were collaborators with the Romans who oppressed the people, which they did – by taking more than what was required.
But nevertheless, Jesus looked beyond that and came to Matthew’s table. This is not surprising, seeing as how our Lord Jesus was not common at all. He looked beyond the exterior and straight into the heart. He commanded Matthew to follow him. This commandment, "Follow me!" doesn’t just mean to simply follow. Christ here was telling him to keep on following, to continue to follow. He wasn’t just telling Matthew to leave his tax table and follow him for a season, but he was telling Matthew to keep on following him, forever. Jesus had a fan club, as I said. He had many followers. But as it is with many celebrities, they will one day lose their fame and attraction, and soon the fan club dies out. The fan club that Jesus had during his 3 years’ fame quickly dissolved once he was arrested and crucified, and this is common with fans who have no reason to follow anymore, when they have nothing to gain. But what Jesus was saying here to Matthew, was that he was to follow, and to follow continually, even through the toughest of all times, through persecution and trials and great adversity. What Jesus was prescribing to Matthew was not just a temporary errand or task, but a completely new life style. And we learn that Matthew followed – he arose and according to Luke 5:28, he left all – most likely turning over his money and books to his employer and followed Christ. We then learn from Luke 5:29 that Matthew made a great feast in his own house for Christ, where there were gathered a great company of publicans or tax collectors – for this, Jesus received criticism from the religious elite of the day. They questioned why he could do such an unseemly thing, by being in the company of sinners. Christ’s answer was simple and conclusive in verse 12. Jesus equated the tax collectors with sinners and identified them as those who are sick. And for those who are sick, they have need of a doctor. Jesus here was saying that he was their doctor, their healer – Jesus was saying that he came to call them, as sinners, to repentance, and not the righteous. Now, just as Jesus was not condemning tax-collecting, he was not disregarding those who tried to live morally. What he was doing here was drawing a comparison. Jesus is not saying that there are truly righteous people who have no need of repentance. He is talking about the attitudes of the people he was eating with, comparing them with the Pharisees. The Pharisees, thinking that they were morally upright, felt that they had no need of repentance, that their strict adherence to the Law and ritual purity was sufficient to make them righteous. They did not see their deeper sin problem. They were as white washed sepulchres and tombs – clean on the outside, but rotting and decaying as the dead on the inside. They were morally and ethically pure, having committed no great sin in the sight of men. They were the "righteous". They saw no sin in themselves and whatever sins they had committed, they would atone for them by carrying out the proper sacrifices. But they had no heart devotion – no true realization of their sinfulness. On the other hand, those with whom Jesus dined, came to realize their sinfulness – they knew they were sick and hence knew their need for a physician. And this is what Matthew knew – this was the incentive he had to follow Christ. Not to gain anything temporal from Christ, like physical healing or physical sustenance, but salvation and healing from sin.
The fame of Jesus would have spread far and wide even before he had reached Capernaum. The news of what he had done, and even the things that he had taught would have reached the city. And inevitably, Matthew would have heard it, and by hearing it, it would have affected him. He realized his sinfulness and the wretchedness of his heart. When Matthew, pig as he was, encountered Christ, at his table calling to him, he knew that this was the chance of a lifetime, to have his sins forgiven and his life changed. Here, we see that Jesus was a healer of the souls of the outcasts.
So from the three pictures we have seen, we know that Jesus heals the souls of those who are in the lower castes, those who are downcast, and those who are outcasts. But the principles we learn from these three photos are more profound. We learn that in order to be healed, you don’t have to be someone special – you can be anyone. Jesus does not reject anyone because of their social status, race, color, or even degree of sinfulness. There is not a single case on record in the whole history of mankind where a person came to God in repentance and faith and was refused salvation. But one thing we realize is that the one needing healing must come in faith, believing that Christ does heal our souls from our sins. And the most important, is that such a one must come knowing that he is sick.
So this message gives hope to those who are outside God’s kingdom, to those plagued with their sins. But it is a stumbling block to those who do not think themselves sinful at all. Indeed, those who do not see themselves as sick, neither sinful, they will not come to Christ, because they are blind, just as the scribes who refused to see. But to those who do see, come to Christ, the healer of souls.
But what of us, who are believers in Christ? Does Christ still heal our souls, even though we’ve already been healed? Indeed he does. In the words of J. Gresham Machen, teacher of Carl McIntire, our Pastor’s teacher, "Jesus the great physician! The great healer of every sickness and every infirmity! The blind receive their sight, and the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear. And this cure of bodily ills was but a sign and proof and seal of the healing of the soul. He who said, "I will, be thou clean," said also, "Thy sins are forgiven thee." Jesus the healer of souls! God knows, we need Him still. When past sins rise up to mock our best endeavors, when our strength is sapped by the power of evil, when our lives seem to be a hopeless tangle, unlike anything that was ever seen before, escape shut off on every side, regret and remorse staring us in the face whichever turn we take, a strange miserable hopeless puzzle, beyond our own comprehension and far beyond our own power to help – we need a healer. We need one who knows us better than we know ourselves, one who can untangle the snarl of our lives, who can apply a healing touch to the dreadful wounds of the soul, and set us forward in some new, strong, healthy life."
Many of us today are facing spiritual dryness. Sure, we go to church, we have a semblance of godliness, but what power does Christianity have over our lives? No doubt, we will always sin because of our sinful human nature, but Christ promises us victory in our lives over sin. But sometimes victory and the joys of Christianity are more often than not a thing only remembered at best or even hardly experienced. We may come and sing how Christ leads us all the way, that we have nothing to ask beside, and we do not doubt his tender mercies, but rather have heavenly peace, divinest comfort, and faith in him to dwell; but many of us come week after week singing those things, but have no power in our lives. We are sick with sin – be it besetting sins in our lives that we revel in or plain apathy which is no less destructive. And I guess I can say this because I have often times experienced it myself. Week after week we come back to worship, but there is little heart – a form definitely, but where’s the heart? And the solution to such apathy and rebellion is always the same. To recognize our sickness and to come by faith and repentance to seek healing from our Lord. Indeed, this was the charge given to the Pharisees: "But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice." Jesus quoted Hosea 6:6. Here, God spoke of an unfaithful nation in Israel who continued in her rituals and sacrifices, but had no love for Him. They had a form, but no power. And we, if we have that attitude, have fared no better than the Pharisees and scribes who recognized not their sickness. But let us do like Matthew and the paralytic man, no matter who we may be – a member or a leader, and consider our sickness and go to the Lord for healing, for He can heal our souls.
1. If you had the chance to meet someone you've never met, from the past or present, who would it be? Jesus.
2. If you had to live in a different century, past or future, which would it be? How about during the millennial rule of Christ? Or better still, in heaven?
3. If you had to move anywhere else on Earth, where would it be? Australia. It's a much more familiar place 'cos I've been there a number of times. I suppose England would come a close second 'cos it's the home of English Literature.
4. If you had to be a fictional character, who would it be? Jennifer from some Jennifer series I read a few years ago. She's an average teenage girl, but she's a disciplined Christian and has a nice family (including a lovely grandmother). I suppose next on the list would be Jamie Sullivan from A Walk To Remember by Nicholas Sparks. I would have ranked her first but she experiences quite negative circumstances e.g. the death of her mother and terminal leukaemia, although she does overcome them and finds love in her life. Jennifer's a lot more ordinary.
5. If you had to live with having someone else's face as your own for the rest of your life, whose would it be? My first instinct was actually 'De Wen' but he's a guy. (Does it matter, really?) I'm pretty contented with my face really, but if I had to choose someone else's face I'd probably choose a pretty one. Right now I don't have any concrete choices though.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:05 p.m.
Saturday, March 22, 2003
V tired.
Vectors assignment (3rd attempt) today. Then started on Differential Equations but the girl sitting opposite me at the library asked me how to integrate (sinx)^5 and I couldn't believe I couldn't solve it so I spent the next few hours working on that one problem alone.
De Wen met me at around 3 for lunch and solved the problem using a few steps and within a few minutes. And he said it was simple.
I didn't feel like studying so we went to Orchard to walk around. It was my choice, and although he wasn't very enthusiastic about going he let me go, and even let me sleep on the train ride. I was quite down, since I felt that I hadn't really gone out during the entire holidays. I feel bitter at the workload sometimes, both from school and council, and the idea that even holidays must be used up for mugging for block tests. I'm not a mugger, and I haven't been studying really hard. Right now, I only have GP, Physical Geography and some Maths to add to my work-done tally. I know for sure that I will mug when I need to mug, and will not go into an exam room totally blank. From experience, I most probably will mug every day after school in the library next week, and will actually enjoy the experience, the thrill of learning. But right now, I am still not as mentally prepared as I would like to be for the block tests, and my heart sinks as I view the prospect of looming tests which I'm afraid to take. I'm afraid to fail. I've always been afraid of the subjects that I do better in, namely GP and Econs, fearing that I may fall short of my passably good (though not excellent) grades, and for the subjects which I'm not good at, namely Maths and Geog, that I will stare blankly at the paper and hope for an O. This time, I've been putting in more effort for Maths and Geog. I hope my results for these subjects will be good, and for the other better subjects, that I will meet or improve my score, so that at least my teachers will not stress me too much.
My mother treated me to and my brother gave me .50 so I bought 5 Michael Card albums, namely The Life (consisting of The Final Word, Scandalon and Known By The Scars), Soul Anchor and Starkindler. In addition, The Life, which is a complete recorded trilogy on the Life of Christ, is a collector's edition with a comprehensive Bible study book thrown in. I haven't unwrapped the cds yet, in fact at this moment I'm still drowning in the Close Your Eyes So You Can See cd. The cds, which are really quite good value-for-money, will last me a while, along with the recently bought Unveiled Hope scorebook. And because Jason lent me the Close Your Eyes So You Can See and Brother to Brother cds quite a while ago (I haven't even really listened to Brother to Brother yet), De Wen and I currently have all the Michael Card albums between us. :)
I had a good time with my parents and brother at Plaza Singapura today (I met Lin Hai there too!) but somehow even though I'd bought the cds and my mom was commenting how great it was that my brother and I were grinning from cheek to cheek at about 9p.m. (I helped my brother choose a .90 pencil case from 77th Street and we did talk a bit while my parents were redeeming a bag from some place) there was a lingering sadness in my heart.
I'd wanted to go to Swensens for their Sticky Chewy Chocolate ice cream with De Wen but there was a long queue so De Wen took me to Cineleisure instead, where we slurped Iced Chocolate and Iced-Blended Mocha with Chocolate Ice Cream at Lips Cafe. The mocha's passable but the portions of mocha and chocolate ice-cream are small and not worth the .50 I spent on them (I'd rather spend on an Ultimate Ice-Blended Mocha at Coffee Bean). The Iced Chocolate was simply milk on top of fudge, and De Wen not only had to stir it himself, what resulted was also just plain chocolate milk. Still, it was an experience, and I do treasure experiences to sample various mochas, not to mention a wonderful experience with De Wen. We travelled by the red MRT line this time round because I was sick of the green line. I pulled him into the train. I really appreciate him opening up, caring for and bearing with me.
Today I told him I loved him very much, and he said he knew that, and that it took a lot of courage for me to say that. I don't readily give affection. True, I have my own ways of showing love, but I don't initiate kisses or hugs or many romantic utterances, nor do I even reciprocate. And you know, 'cos you're my dear.
Later I saw a .90 orange rubber wristband watch and wanted to get it but decided not to. How ironic it was that later at Plaza Singapura my dad gave me a lovely Swatch watch as a present! It has one main dark red round face with three lighter red round faces inside, with silver markings, watch hands and knobs! The clear glass on the top has three round humps directly above the three small faces, and the entire clockface is circled by blue translucent plastic. The wrist straps are furry, white with brown prints! It looks so cow I must show Yexiang (I should have shown Lin Hai when I met him)! Also, we went to Swensens for dinner and I got my Sticky Chewy Chocolate!
And, my dad looked at the integration problem that had intrigued me earlier, exclaimed at the simplicity of it, and solved it in a few steps and less time, with a method that was even shorter and simpler than De Wen's method. But I'm thankful for De Wen's method as it taught me some tricks of integration which are, and will come in, very useful. I think De Wen's a very good teacher, not only in Maths but in other areas too, like Christianity, dance, acting and writing. He has a natural gift of teaching.
Later, I went home to practise the song I'm playing for my dad's Sunday School tomorrow. Although the key has four flats it's a lot simpler than the other songs I played. The rhythm may perhaps not be as catchy though so I spent some time teaching my dad how to sing the song and correcting him in his pauses and notes. I realise I can sing, but I must be more confident. Also, I learnt that teaching music is fun! It could be something I would consider doing.
For once I was nice to De Wen. I'm not nice enough really. Sigh, and the guy has enough problems of his own. But I'm glad he's sharing, and that he cares enough to listen to my problems in the midst of his own pressures.
I also realise that I have a very high level of pride which is destructive as I do not easily let myself be taught. I will not even learn Maths (my failing subject) from De Wen. In contrast, my father is a very good student who practises and perfects without shyness.
Yesterday past midnight, a very big cockroach traversed the floor and wall of my bedroom, played with the items on my bedside table, poked its head from the side of the set of drawers near my toilet, and FLEW to my table before shifting its attention to the curtains. I called my dad from where he was working downstairs and he took a set of newspapers and came up. He hit the cockroach but it scrambled down the back of my cupboard. Later, while my dad was looking in the toilet, the cockroach came to the table again, and from where I was on my bed I alerted my dad, before I let out a scream of fear when the cockroach flew, past my dad into the toilet. What followed afterwards was just a mixture of sounds as my dad closed the toilet door and fought the cockroach alone. There was a flush of the WC and the turning on of the tap to wash hands before my father finally emerged from the toilet and announced that the cockroach had been flushed down the toilet. He smiled, forgave me for eating in my room and not clearing my leftovers and went back to work. The toilet window had been netted a while ago to prevent cockroaches from flying in. Earlier on, my father had also checked on me, found me working on my computer and gently told me to sleep soon before proceeding downstairs.
I appreciated my father's forgiveness and sweetness, and his killing of the cockroach. I remember my screams of fear very clearly, and I will remember the one yesterday night. It might not have been a big incident, but I felt like a child, loved my dad, loved his protection, and longed to be a child again.
H-square just freaked me out, the memories of it, the hand banging, sliding and squelching down the glass window in front of me before it (Ailin, Kelvin: nebulous outer threat, very Pinteresque haha) came in, it freaks me out still. And I fear what's in front of me and what's behind me. I fear it so. I fear the image of myself and each little sound in my room, a ruffle, a little drop, makes my heart skip a bit.
God bless me that I may overcome this fear and rely in His safety.
Here's another song from the Close Your Eyes So You Can See cd by Michael Card. It's aptly sung by a child.
Make Me A Miracle | Michael Card
Take these few fish and crumbs of bread
It's all that I can do
But most of all Lord take my life
And make me a miracle too
The world so full of hungry souls
I've little left to give
Could it be I might feed a few
By the simple life I live
Take these few fish and crumbs of bread
It's all that I can do
But most of all Lord take my life
And make me a miracle too
Multiply these gifts so few
And feed your thousand Lord
For in Your hand I lay my life
It's what you gave it for
Take these few fish and crumbs of bread
It's all that I can do
But most of all Lord take my life
And make me a miracle too
Take these few fish and crumbs of bread
It's all that I can do
But most of all Lord take my life
And make me a miracle too
And make me a miracle too
God bless and grace be with you all.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:15 p.m.
Friday, March 21, 2003
I've revised all my Physical Geography notes for the Block Test. Physical Geography is very difficult to understand, but thank God after a day in the library and some more time I know what's going on, the theories, processes and landforms. I'm pretty clear about my work but I need to memorise the evidence for the deep weathering, pediplanation and periglaciation theories for the formation of tors.
I did until Question 13 of Maths too. I will focus on Maths tomorrow, Econs on Sunday, Geography on Monday and Tuesday and Lit on Wednesday. I have pretty much full days available for studying on Tuesday and Wednesday because I only have my Maths and Geography papers respectively on those days. I have GP and Economics on Monday and Lit on Thursday.
Mom's giving me . I hope to spend it on Michael Card cds. We're going to Plaza Singapura tomorrow instead. I'm very grateful De Wen took the time to come down to JE to spend dinner with me.
This poem was written and edited in the library in the midst of my work, and now.
Dreams
I dreamed of meadows lush and green
Soaked in the morning dew.
They shone with glistening sparkling sheen
And spoke of pleasant days anew.
I dreamed of seas so calm and blue
Dressed in the white of lapping waves.
They danced in peaceful waltz and grew
More lively with ensuing raves.
I dreamed of skies so clear and fair
Which dawn did smile upon and kiss.
The birds, they soared into the air
And sang of everlasting bliss.
Then looked I on the world and cried,
"Where is the dream that I did dream?"
For such a wonder couldst not abide
For long, didst hope now ever beam?
Findest thou now the things that do
Live on in splendid harmony?
Seekest thou that elusive few
That did survive unexpectantly?
But I, I choose to live in dreams,
Not wishing that I hope for nought;
And sewed I myself in at the seams
In the fantasy that I had wrought.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:33 p.m.
Friday, March 21, 2003
Below are the lyrics for two of my favourite songs from the Close Your Eyes So You Can See cd by Michael Card, derived by listening to the music and writing and editing the the lyrics. Thank God for the clarity of Michael Card's singing. I would encourage you to download the mp3 versions of these songs if they are available or get the cd. The cd is a short one, but it is one of my favourite cds. Its speciality lies in the fact that it is a cd for children. The cd is an all-rounded one with both funky, rousing and reflective tunes. I also love the beauty of the lyrics and the piano accompaniment.
Hosanna | Michael Card
Hear the song of all creation Hosanna
Hear the stars and moon and sun say Hosanna
Listen to the ocean waves
And hear what the thunder says
Hosanna to the King of Kings
Hear the echo of the noise
As Jesus sets out to destroy
And cast out all the merchants
From the holy place
See the anger in his eyes
But then look close and realise
There is still a light up on his face
Can you keep these children quiet Hosanna
This is no place for a riot Hosanna
You try to quell these girls and boys
The very rocks will shout for joy
Hosanna to the King of Kings
As the courtyard settles down
The children gather all around
To thank the One who gave them back
Their place to pray
But soon now hearts are overcome
They start to shout for joy and run
To sing and leap and laugh and say
Can you keep these children quiet Hosanna
This is no place for a riot Hosanna
You try to quell these girls and boys
The very rocks will shout for joy
Hosanna to the King of Kings
Won't you keep these children quiet Hosanna
This is no place for a riot Hosanna
You try to quell these girls and boys
The very rocks will shout for joy
Hosanna to the King
Hosanna to the King
Hosanna to the King of Kings
=====
Let The Children Come | Michael Card
Jesus looked so weary
From the worries of the day
But the look on His face lighted
When the children came His way
Before He could reach out to them
And join them in their play
His grown-up band of followers
Told the kids to go away
Let the children come
Don't dare drive them away
In them the kingdom comes
Hear the holy foolish things they say
The springtime of their life decides
The adults they'll become
So let the children come
Please let the children come
The golden gift of childhood
Lasts a lifetime if you try
The simple trusting faith they own
Keep scholars mystified
And so the Lord adopts us
As His daughters and His sons
For the Kingdom is for children
So please let the children come
Let the children come
Don't dare drive them away
In them the kingdom comes
Hear the holy foolish things they say
The springtime of their life decides
The adults they'll become
So let the children come
Please let the children come
In other news, I had a wonderful breakfast and Maths tuition session with De Wen today. I realise it is a lot easier to be taught then to learn independently. I thank God that De Wen was available to teach and answer questions as I really benefitted a lot. I pray I may relinquish control of my life to God and stop my pride and self-justification. The self-righteousness I exhibit only makes me a Pharisee.
Currently, my work-done tally consists of my GP essay, 2 notes of Physical Geography and 10 and 1/3 questions of Integration. Perhaps doing Maths at night helps as I did Maths from about 11 to 1 last night. Judging from the number of questions I did in the two sessions I spent doing Maths, I take an average of 3 and a 1/2 hours to do 7 questions of Integration. De Wen says I should do faster, but the reason I'm making slow progress is that I don't know my work, and have to continually refer to the worked solutions for guidance. Yesterday was mainly spent doing my new layout. I believe I will go to the library after I type this to work on my Geography notes without distraction. Today will be spent doing Geography interspersed with Maths.
We had a little talk yesterday, and I vowed to pray every night that you would get your wish. God's will be done.
I met Liz and Lina yesterday! They had to call out to me though, as I have the habit of walking with my eyes fixed on only one thing at a time.
Today I walked home from breakfast with De Wen feeling rather happy. First, we had a good time today, then I listened to Hosanna on the bus ride home and felt pretty positive. I was also wearing my favourite black pants and a plain light blue blouse so I was feeling quite good about myself. I walked across the overhead bridge leading to home and felt the cool/cold air and light warm sunshine, and ironically though the weather was so beautiful I felt like I was away from Singapore studying in Australia, I felt that today was actually going to be a good day. :)
I just got off the phone with my best friend. It's nice to talk to her. I'm going to go to the library and study now. Hopefully I'll be able to finish my Geography notes and some Maths. My parents want to go to Plaza Singapura tonight, and I just might be able to persuade my mother to get me some Michael Card cds from the shop downstairs but on the other hand I really don't mind not going as I should be concentrating on my work.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:24 a.m.
Thursday, March 20, 2003
New layout.
I'm really very happy with this one because it required a lot more effort on my part. I experimented with the colour and brightness of the title picture and added a divider picture this time round. In addition, I also worked with two backgrounds, resulting in coordination problems with the text colours (since I am not familiar with a more advanced script I had to find hyperlink colours (active, visited and hover) that best suited both backgrounds). Finally, I decided to use Times Roman font in addition to the original Arial. This was done in addition to the usual decisions made regarding the theme, picture(s), background colour(s), text colours and sidebar text, as well as an unfortunate headache.
This layout is for Christine, whose birthday is on Layout Day. It would be much appreciated if the regular viewers of this blog could post a comment or two about it.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 03:59 p.m.
Thursday, March 20, 2003
These personality tests are taken from Alanna's blog.
-Sensitive- You're Sensitive, and you'd like to stay that way. Sorry, listened to a bit too much Jewel there. You're sweet and very emotionally charged. You definitely love the person you're with, and always want to know how they're feeling so you can make sure they're happy.
You just want a little time with the man you love; is that too much to ask? If you can't have that, you resolve to make a heroic sacrifice in the memory of a lost loved one. In their heart of hearts, everyone truly loves you, no matter what they may say on the outside. Don't ever change.
I am, of course, none other than blank verse. I don't know where I'm going, yes, quite right; And when I get there (if I ever do) I might not recognise it. So? Your point? Why should I have a destination set? I'm relatively happy as I am, And wouldn't want to be forever aimed Towards some future path or special goal. It's not to do with laziness, as such. It's just that one the whole I'd rather not Be bothered - so I drift contentedly; An underrated way of life, I find.
Room packed. Plans changed. Instead of doing tutorials (too slow) I will do my assessment book which has guided answers. Integration, Complex No.s, Differential Equations, then Vectors. Go me.
Unfortunately I'm skipping lunch. Fortunately I had a big breakfast in the morning. (Maybe I'll get my maid to cook some Campbell soup for me and have a banana.)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:17 p.m.
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
I have decided to reflect upon what I did during the holidays and attempt to improve my current usage of time.
Friday Friday Five
Bookworm
Saturday Bookworm
Depression
Sunday Church
Recovery
Monday Blogs
Personality Tests (Check out my Personality Test page for updates)
Gastric therefore food
RANT!
Depression
PubCo formal
Sick and tired therefore sleep
Poems
Talked to Liz and Raining, cheered up lots
Tuesday Piano (new Michael Card songs and old ones)
GP Essay (Yeah!)
Lunch with XY (helped her with a teensy bit of Plath, which isn't tested for my block test ahaha...)
Nap
More piano (vented anger on the poor tinkling keys, training Holy, Holy, Holy; because I was so angry I could only train -i.e. force myself to play over and over again under pressure to get the notes right- and not put emotion in)
Went out with family (nearly cried along the way due to personal i.e. not family-related problems, later cheered up a lot)
Talked to Alanna and Raining, cheered up lots
Conclusion This holiday hasn't exactly been wasted but a) I've been slacking, b) I've been in depression.
HENCE...for today a) I will pack my room 'cos my room is always only clean just before exams (I only pack my room before exams) so that I can get my room conducive to study in and the relevant materials organised.
b) I will do all my Maths tutorials for Integration, Vectors, Differential Equations and Complex No.s (1 and 2) i.e. all my Maths revision.
And I will come online only tonight to check my e-mail (and my GP essay progress 'cos my teacher's giving me feedback through e-mail) and post what I have done today! I had better be good.