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And now I'm back from dinner and discover my brother's still using the Internet, even though it's way past the time he agreed to let me use the Internet. I screamed at him and my mother is screaming at him too. I don't care. He deserves it. But now my mother is scolding me too!!! I hate this whole thing. I hate this family. It doesn't care about me. Even when I told my mother about my problems, she didn't care either, and just made a brief statement when I kept staring at her, waiting for an answer. I don't understand why they have to be so stupid. And now my dad is coming in. God...I really wish all these people would just leave me alone and stop all this stupid nonsense!!! I can't even work in peace! And if you wonder why this entry was entered so quickly after the next one, it's because while my stupid brother was hogging the phone lines, I was typing out the other entry. Gosh...I don't care now. Everyone seems to be so ignorant and stupid I wonder why I am even stupid enough to live in this world where such stupid people exist! I feel like slashing my wrist now.
Avenging Angel spoke on Sunday, March 31, 2002 06:58 p.m.
I'm fed up and actually I've got a lot of great things to say about my outing with CM but I'll postpone this for a time until I actually manage to finish typing up all the current bad thoughts I'm having about my brother.
What a jerk he is!!! I just feel so angry thinking about what happened just now. He doesn't even care about other people and he thinks I have so much time to wait for him to finish using the Internet. Every time I have to suit his timings, always trying to negotiate with him when I can start using the Internet because he is forever logged on to the computer. And he has the cheek to say that he is suiting me. Even now my eyes are tearing up and I'm crying, not only because of the injustice being done to me at the moment, but also because someone has provoked me to anger, and I hate being angry. I bet he doesn't even feel remorseful at the moment. He is a hard-hearted evil creature, and as much as it hurts me to feel angry, I can just as well heap accusations on him, because he is so insensitive and inconsiderate that I feel like pounding him up, only that he will have the advantage, and will probably hurt me. At this moment, I hate all standard words of advice. I hate the fact that it's always me trying to suit him and not the other way round. I don't want to be kind to him any longer. I want him to be kind to me. As if he matters that much in my life. I don't think so. Maybe one day I'll just get a kitchen chopper and chop him into 29 pieces. But this kind of words are dangerous to say, aren't they? Because if he really is chopped into 29 pieces by goodness knows who, the first thing the police will do is suspect me and use this blog as evidence. What injustice!!! Sometimes I just hate life.
I am in a very very bad mood at the moment. CM, please remind me to post the nice blog about today's great outing later if I haven't already. Thanks. I'm in a horrible mood at the moment and I can jolly well bang out my frustrations on anyone if they're not careful. I don't know why I treat my family this way. Maybe because while friends may eventually desert you if you do the wrong things, your family can't, and hence never will, even though I feel like deserting my family at this very moment. CM will know that I keep telling her that I have no time for this, no time for that. Even today, during my first violin lesson, although the teacher tried to make conversation, I gave quite short answers, and never initiated a topic of discussion outside that of violin questions. I don't want to waste my time. My time is too precious to waste. One might say then, why am I going out with my friends so much then? Sometimes going out with my friends is work too. It's just a working form of relaxation, just like NeoPets. I enjoy going out with my friends. But there's an opportunity cost involved, in that I cannot spend time on other things, for example, reading, which I consider work too. I consider work anything that does not involve lazing around, and frankly speaking I have no time to laze around when I consider all the responsibilities required of me, as a committee member in various committees and councils, as a student and as a friend. All these are commitments, but some of them, while I view as work (e.g. going out with friends), I don't view as chores. But it does require quite a bit of mental energy. I'm feeling quite tired, but I'm not sleeping. I have no time. I don't even have the money to do anything anymore, and this week I'm going to scrimp and save...to buy an a1 album. Ok, you might say, what is this? Perhaps I have different ideas of certain things. What one might call relaxation, I count as work. Maybe that's why I'm successful in certain areas, e.g. social circle and studies. Because I do work. Or am I being overly-confident of myself. I'm sorry if my friends reading this feel really hurt. If you do, please let me know, because I need to know, but frankly speaking, I believe everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and have little or no control over them, including me.
I have no idea about things sometimes. I don't know if I'm getting over-stressed. I'm not eating well, and I'm breaking down easily. It's surprising actually that I managed to smile (naturally, not forced) and laugh for a good time with Andrew (not my irritating brother, by the way, I'm talking about the Andrew in my church who's the same age as me and whom for some reason, is one of the rare boys in the church I can relate to as a NORMAL friend - girlfriends who know me, kindly do not snicker at this - but I find myself sometimes putting myself down in front of him and some other people. I wonder why. I sometimes wonder what is the truth and what isn't. The truth is sometimes quite difficult to comprehend, isn't it? And what with virtual reality? How do we know if things are real now? You can pinch yourself. That's what they always do when you want to wake up from a dream or make sure what you're experiencing isn't a dream, but is that pinch even real. Does it mean that just because you feel pain, you're not in a dream? Watch A Beautiful Mind. The guy actually had something implanted into his skin and he did feel the pain. But was it real? No it wasn't. It was just a figment of his warped imagination. Or should I say that imagination is already warped. Maybe it's just in us. It's just whether we let our imagination run beyond 'common' boundaries. But what is common anyway? Life is basically about faith, isn't it? How do I know that XY or CM are really there? How do I know that they're real? I wouldn't, would I? I believe they are real, just that they believe I'm real. Think about it a moment, wouldn't you? And no, I am not going mad. I am just questioning. And today, when I made this comment about a certain news story (which would be politically incorrect to mention), my mother praised me for becoming critical. I didn't say anything, but the truth is that I am becoming more cynical. Sometimes things can't just be put into black or white.
Well well well. I'm going for dinner now. And of course, there are a lot of things I haven't done. And did I mention my period didn't come at all this month? I think I must be really stressed. Avenging Angel spoke on Sunday, March 31, 2002 06:56 p.m.
Not feeling particularly good now. Went out with XY today, which was pretty cool, but on reaching home, I immediately get this feeling of depression I always feel on stepping home. Perhaps that's why I prefer going out. There's something at home I don't want to face. The people here are highly irritating and get on my nerves. All in all, they bring out the worse in me.
I don't know. It's just weird how my mood can change so easily. I'm so at ease and joyful when with most of my friends, and yet when I reach home I put on this long face. My maid saw me coming back from quite a distance and I purposely slowed my steps when coming to the door so that I would give her time to open the door. Yet, she took her own sweet time to switch off the fan and stroll to the door as if I've got plenty of time to waste. Then, I come upstairs to find my mother asking tons of questions that I don't want to answer, and just nagging away. What a change from yesterday when I wanted to talk and no one was willing to talk to me. Are they too busy for me? Perhaps I'm making the same mistake they're making too, being too busy for other people. I just feel really angry that the people who are closest to me (my family) are actually the people furthest away from me, the people I don't feel like seeing and the people I don't look forward to seeing at the end of the day.
Yesterday's Good Friday service wasn't good. I didn't have any heart to sing and screwed up the presentation. Later, I sat with a long face throughout the entire service, feeling miserable and feeling distant from God. Sometimes, I would sing the hymns really loudly because of the pent-up feelings within me. At the end of the service, I didn't wait to see any friends. I just marched off home. I didn't want to talk at all.
I'm going to miss Youth Choir practice later because I don't feel like going. Tomorrow at Sunday School I'll probably astonish everyone with my dark thoughts. Perhaps I should see a school counsellor on Monday. After all, I've got about an hour after school before I meet XY. But am I depending too much on the counsellor?
I just wish I could cry whenever I like and without feeling sick. This has been a period of the longest depression ever, and even though I've been able to snap out of it for certain occasions like the Question and Answer session and today's outing with XY, the depression is still there. I haven't been eating well. I haven't been sleeping well. Those symptoms are alarming. Probably I have a mental problem. Sometimes it's cool to have a mental problem, or maybe that alone is a symptom itself of my mental problem. How confusing. How ironic.
Sigh...my brain is hurting. There's so much to do and so little time, and yet I don't want to give up anything. Just on Monday I will have to prepare for my Literature tutorial, do a GP essay, do a GP project and do up a poster. I also want to catch up on some revision. We have so many strenuous activities going on on Monday, including a swimming test. Sigh... I guess sometimes the system is just that way so people don't really have opportunity for relaxation. People might think NeoPets is relaxation but I think not. It's still work, however enjoyable it may be. Oh yes, how about church tomorrow (got to wake up at 4.45am, be in church by 6am for choir practice, start the service at 7am), followed by violin lesson at 3.30pm, which reminds me that there will be no Sunday School tomorrow, nor choir later. Which means I'll miss another Sunday School session since I have council camp next weekend. SIGH!!! I'm so frustrated by all this activity and yet I welcome it.
I'd better get down to work now instead of wasting the little time I have writing my diary. I guess I've already written enough. Maybe later I'll bathe and read Memoirs of a Geisha. I have 5 other books waiting for me, and tons of notes to study. Sigh...more sighs... Avenging Angel spoke on Saturday, March 30, 2002 05:14 p.m.
Yesterday was quite a complicated and long day. First, it was the day of the Question and Answer session of council nominees with the faculty and then the elections. We were made to sit in a row in Lecture Theatre 2 and later each of us had to come up to the microphone to answer one compulsory question posed by the council (we had to choose question numbers), and then we had to answer a question posed by the audience, afterward we had to choose a situation question posed to us by the council (e.g. If you were made a councillor and you heard someone badmouthing another councillor, what would you do?) and then we could choose from one question posed by the council (no choice) or answer another optional question posed by the audience. I had a lot of questions directed to me, and I thought that was encouraging since people could possibly be interested in finding out more about me. I spoke for a very long time on a guild topic though, which I think was posed by Alanna, and had to be stopped by my faculty head. I guess I just got carried away talking about the guild.
Guess what? I got into council! I went out with XY to Coffee Bean at Guthrie House (is that it, the place where Venezia is?) and sat there talking for a time before an sms came in on my handphone congratulating me, after which I went back to school to gather with the rest of the council elects. It was quite a scary and sad experience thereafter though because not only did the present councillors shout at us and talk to us seriously about discipline and being responsible, they also got pissed off at us very easily. I felt as if I were in military camp. We were to report punctually (not a second late) otherwise get five points (the more points you accumulate, the more severe punishment would be meted out, and this is serious, not some forfeit for the day itself), and we were to look after one another and keep the place clean. I was so scared because I was late and also realised that I had forgotten to bring a P.E. shirt. Thankfully I had shorts, and I managed to borrow a shirt from a friend. We all ran (you can see how intimidated we all were) to inform our parents we would be home late and rushed to change.
Afterward, we had a 15-minute session of icebreakers where my group, Polaris, was introduced to the senior group, Tristum, (where did they get those names from?) and we played Wacko. The bulk of the group lost (not me though) and had to do a forfeit - writing Adele's name using their rear. By the way, Adele is a councillor whom the other councillors say is very loud. :) She looks quite fun.
After the icebreaker session, everyone gathered and then, Lauren (another councillor), asked for a volunteer. Sherwyn (not sure of the spelling, by the way, he's a council elect) volunteered. Then he was blindfolded and asked his name and class repeatedly [they did the 'I can't hear you!', 'Louder!' thing even though we could all hear him :)], painted him, and spun him around 10 times so he couldn't walk stably and pushed (PUSHED!!!) into the council room, which was all dark. Then, we heard all the councillors inside shouting 'Sherwyn! Sherwyn! Sherwyn!' repeatedly to some drumming which sounded pretty much like poor blindfolded Sherwyn was being beaten up! The council elects cringed in horror, made even worse by the fact that Lauren asked all of us to line up outside the council room for the same fate. Oh no...:(
It was a time of getting together though, because it took quite a long time for us to get to the front of the queue. I made quite a few friends. There was XY (another XY), XP, Sean, LH and JH among them. The guys were really gentlemanly! Even when I got to the front of the queue and got a paint-streaked blindfold (because it was reused), a guy (council elect) came over and let me have his clean one and another one tied it up for me! How cool can they get?! I still remember the initial time the paint from the blindfold touched by eye. Aw...it was so uncomfortable. And the guys kept asking me if my blindfold was alright, and if it was too loose.
Well, thankfully I asked someone what Lauren's name was, because I was asked a lot of questions before I went inside the room. She asked me my name and class, which faculty I liked the most (Arts), who my faculty head was (Thomas) and whether I pledged my allegiance to him (AHHH!!! I said yes anyway). Then she said, 'Thomas says you are to be painted more'. Oh no!!! Thankfully, I think they were nicer towards girls, so they didn't spin me around and just led me in (not pushed!). When inside the room, I was made to crawl on the floor (I felt wet painted newspapers) and councillors were all towering above me as I crawled, painting my neck, shirt and legs!!! Then, I was made to stand up and they surrounded me! I was squirming because they were tickling me by painting my neck. Someone led me down the line and another yelled into my ear 'Welcome to council!'. Gee... Finally, I reached the end of the room and someone took my blindfold off. There, huddled right at the end, was a group of council elects all painted and looking like freaks. This seemed so much like a cultic ritual. Anyway, later, I was told to wash my face in dirty water in a pail (the bottom of the pail was stuck with soggy flour) and wait on the floor while more council elects streamed into the room. The last council elect who entered was a male, so everyone was told to mass-hug him at the end of his journey in the council room.
Finally, the lights were switched on and we saw each other. My senior (from my senior class) laughed when she saw what I'd become. Then, we did a cheer and made our way outside to a grassy patch where they washed us somewhat (it didn't help much though) and went to the Central Plaza to dance (yes, dance!). We danced the four school dances and surprisingly I caught on quite quickly! I didn't really know how to do the couple dance though, and it was quite astonishing to see that nearly everyone knew how to dance except me. :( My poor partner tried in vain to learn but it isn't very easy when you have a horrible dance partner like me. ;) After the dances, we did a few more cheers (we always did cheers after each activity) and then went for dinner where we learnt the food cheer (there's a food cheer?!), which involved some gibberish language, and tucked into our food (packet fried rice, which my senior said I must get used to eating since I probably will be eating that for the next year or so). It was quite nice sharing food and drink. The group leaders had to throw all the rubbish in the rubbish dump outside the school (and they stress, NOT in the dustbins in the school canteen) and I was so intimidated, I actually asked for permission to throw my little packet of drink into the dustbin in the school canteen.
We had a few more games ('What is the time, Mr Wolf?' and some other weird game). Oh yes, at dinnertime, Polaris and Tristum became known as Trilaris. They had a vote between Polastrum and Trilaris because Nick (a councillor) wanted Polastrum whereas Zheng Yi (another councillor) wanted Trilaris...and guess which side won? After the games, we came back for a briefing where we were scolded for leaving a mess in the toilets (one sink was clogged up, and the councillors had to clean up for us) and for leaving paint in the canteen where we had sat down. One girl was also given 5 points for being late. Sigh... They warned us against making the same mistake in the camp next weekend, or else we would have to clean up our own mess. I don't really agree though. I mean, if you want to play such dirty games, you'd have to expect some mess to be made. But I expect after a while of 'training', I will learn to be a good councillor.
It's hard to imagine the consequences of mistakes made, and for people like me, I bet I will cry sooner or later under the pressure. But I'm determined to do my best in council, because it's an exclusive CCA, and because the faculty elected me in (me, of all people). I'm happy that I'm at least quite well-received. On coming to school, I was congratulated by someone I barely knew, who said even though I didn't know her, she is in Arts and she voted for me. It's quite heartening to note that my friend (a second intaker whom I barely spoke to) voted for me. I'm happy that at least I have support from friends, and also glad that I'm able to share with my friends on council matters. Today, I went out with Eileen (a second intaker) to meet up for a GP project and some poster-design competition we decided to sign up for. I also signed up for Sports Day. So far life is going pretty good because I'm being kept busy, and taking part in many activities. I just hope that I won't be too overwhelmed, and that my studies will not be affected. Already, I'm feeling a little breathless by the fact that I have church commitments and I'm starting violin lessons too. I don't even get the choice to go out with my friends sometimes because I have so many friends and so little time at hand. I hope I don't get sick and tired too.
Yesterday, I took an hour just to bathe to get the paint off my body and hair (especially the hair). Some of the paint wasn't art paint (I forgot what it's called, but it's the kind of paint you use for painting on drawing block paper in Primary School), so it took a long time and a lot of pain (I had to rub and scratch my arms sore to get the paint out). You can guess what state I came home in. Even today, my neck was still covered somewhat in paint, but thankfully today I managed to get it all off. My body looks relatively normal now although my nails have paint underneath and I still have a few faint paint marks on my arms that I can't get rid off. I think I should be able to get them away in a few days though, preferably before school, and I also need to get a new collar pin. Gee, this whole role-model thing is quite tiring, even though I have a certain moral standard. I don't really know what to say to my groupmates who didn't get into council with me, especially since some of them put in a lot more effort than I did, even though I tried my best to help. I'm just not naturally talented in some things, e.g. painting backdrops, unless you give me an outline of the backdrops first. I hope I can fit in to council. I'm determined to.
Later, I'll have youth choir practice and then go for the Good Friday service. I'm backsliding, but part of me doesn't care. I don't know why. I don't want to think about how many guild council e-mails I'll be receiving today when I check my inbox since I haven't been coming online. Avenging Angel spoke on Friday, March 29, 2002 03:21 p.m.
Going to make another archive soon...yay!
Today, I met the 2nd intakers. They are pretty cool and nice people who balance working hard with playing, just like the rest of my present class. The new class will be smaller than the old class, not counting any potential appeal students coming in, and there will be more students now taking each subject since I think all the 2nd intakers to my class take all four subjects. Ms. Lim was a little taken aback at the immense expansion of the class. Suddenly, there are about 55 people taking English Literature, as compared to her present J2 class of about 30.
Mathematics was fun today. Sanny and Cheryl will be the CT Reps and I've been transferred from Secretary to Economics Rep. Sigh...I don't like being subject representatives, and I don't look forward to being a new 'model student' for Economics, especially since Economics is my most hated subject! I don't think my CT tutor should have just assigned the roles of different reps to all of us, since the 2nd intakers didn't really get a chance at being in the class committee and we all didn't get to vote. Some of my classmates were pushing for me to be assistant CT rep and I did want to be it, but I didn't volunteer and I don't think my CT tutor would want me to be it too. Hopefully I get into council.
Today was quite a lax day of campaigning for council. The cookies were well-received and even though they were home-baked, my friend said they tasted like Famous Amos cookies! We might as well set up a cookie shop. :) I'll have to do 150 tags for the stars tonight though, and attach them all to the stars. It was fun giving out the items, even though I mostly accompanied Stephanie as she gave out the items. I think there is a slight chance I may get to council, because I am quite popular, I think, but then again, who isn't, and who isn't nice?
I haven't been feeling very good for the past few days, but not devastatingly ill such that I need to see a doctor, and there's too much work to be done for me to skip school or even want to skip school. And unless I'm seriously ailing, I wouldn't want to waste an Out of Campus Pass. I don't feel very good about myself at the moment, even though I can say that I am quite popular, or are people just trying to be nice? I wouldn't know really, but looking at me in the video camera (yes, we've been playing with the video camera for a few days, shooting at anything and everything that can be shot at) and seeing my mouth move childishly and my voice childishly saying things makes me annoyed. And if I'm irritated at myself, how many others won't be irritated at me. I'm not depressed but I'm just confused, and yet I don't feel this confusion needs the attention of the school counsellor at the moment. Avenging Angel spoke on Tuesday, March 26, 2002 12:17 p.m.
Council Elections Day One.
I wrote out a speech and carefully rehearsed it but decided to discard it at the last moment. I don't want to be reciting something, rather, I want to speak to everyone. Surprisingly, I wasn't nervous. In fact, I was comforting the rest of my group and offering words of encouragement to other groups as well. The rest of the council nominees were relatively nice. I think that's the way it should be, instead of viewing other nominees as rivals.
I was the first to give my speech since I had already prepared one and I seemed the most calm. At first glance, I couldn't see my classmates and I launched into just a really short speech, maybe of about 1/3 the length of my previous one. The previous one was good, but I didn't want to be seen reading a speech and I did want to interact with the audience. I just hope I wasn't too haughty, since I basically said that the reason I wanted to join council was because of the great time I had with my council mates in the NeoPets guild council. I didn't mention NeoPets by name though, since I feared it would make people think I am childish, which I am, but that's only another side of me.
Thankfully Po Li Xin (this guy I like) wasn't there because I might have swooned or become nervous. Funny how a guy can make you feel that way, but I think it's impossible between us. The speech went well and the item was well-received, even though there were a few technical problems. I wish I'd known that the sabotaging and the humiliation of the candidates would be today. I thought it would be Thursday and I could at least study some of the cheers, songs and dances, as well as facts of the JC, so that I would be able to answer questions. It was a total flop and I felt utterly humiliated and angered, even though I tried not to show it. I didn't know how to dance and sing, and I don't think I projected a very good image of myself. Nevertheless, my faculty head encouraged us not to be discouraged since the Thursday session of Question and Answer is more important because that's the day when the entire faculty votes.
I have been experiencing Internet problems lately. The Internet keeps getting disconnected after about 1-2 minutes of connection, making it impossible to accomplish anything without wasting more time. It's surprising this happens though since it doesn't happen to my father or mother even though they use the same computer. Thankfully my mother just used the computer and left the connection on so at least I can clear up some of the things I've been missing out on.
Life here is ok even though I'm still suffering from the effects of this morning's council thing. I feel so humiliated! Anyway, today I'm going to do my Maths tutorial later and...oh no! I forgot to buy black paper for the council souvenirs. I might want to go out and get it soon. Avenging Angel spoke on Monday, March 25, 2002 06:42 p.m.
Cried this afternoon because I had an argument with my dad. Sometimes I really can't stand my dad and my brother. My mother is fine but sometimes she just doesn't strongly oppose my dad and so she acts unfavourably in my opinion.
I've written and rehearsed the speech I'm going to give for council. We filmed the video today too. Hopefully all goes well tomorrow. A pity I didn't make it for choir today. I did so much want to sing with XY. They'll be plenty of opportunities for me to sing this week though because I am going for rehearsal on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and presentation on Friday and Sunday. It will be really cool. I'm glad because if there's one thing I really value about myself, it's my voice.
I have to try to manage time properly. Hopefully I can finish all I need to do on NeoPets today. Oh yes, I went out with XY today. It was pretty good. We mostly ate and sat down because for some reason we were tired. Today was quite an unlucky day at first in a sense that two of us running for council got into some trouble getting to WL's house and later I not only got trouble coming to church but also was late and missed choir, resulting in me being sad. I was really cheered up later though by this nice woman who gave us strawberries and told us that it would help us destress. She was quite funny as she said 'Eat and be happy' or something to that extent and for that moment I felt like a little child and started smiling. It's amazing how simple things can make you feel really happy. The outing ended pretty well.
I've signed up for violin lessons and I'll be starting lessons next Sunday. Surprisingly, the lessons are only half an hour each because learning violin isn't as complicated as piano. I hope I won't be late for a single session since it's only half an hour. I look forward to the lessons. Can't wait for next week to be over but I think once I get pass tomorrow, the next few days will just float by. Avenging Angel spoke on Sunday, March 24, 2002 07:13 p.m.
Went to Dance Works today at Suntec City to support my school and also watch some of the dances put up by other schools. It's an interschool dance competition and there was an impersonation segment too where people impersonate famous people such as Prince Harry and his family, Michael Jackson and the Spice Girls.
The impersonation segment was not very good, but some of the dances were quite impressive. I especially liked the ones from TJC and HCJC. I didn't stay for the results though.
I was actually arranging to go to a choir concert at my secondary school but my friend only managed to get one ticket so I let her go. After all, I need the time to do other things, such as clear up some online matters, get started on homework, and read. I just love reading.
I have to remember to get Much Ado About Nothing tomorrow from the library though because I only remembered today that we have to read the whole book and study Act 1 in particular by Monday. Considering how my English Literature teacher is, I don't think she would appreciate it that much if I didn't complete this assignment. She just doesn't understand that people tend to forget to do their work sometimes and if they had a chance, they would have done their work.
XY is coming for youth choir tomorrow. I'm so glad! I know she'll enjoy it. It will be cool singing songs with the main choir and with her. I hope they do the 'Hosanna' warm-up because I love the piano part to it. Sometimes, the piano part makes a difference. I tend to prefer music with accompaniment to acapella.
I hope to have a nice chat with XY later and a nice afternoon with her tomorrow. Because of my busyness lately, I haven't had the time to talk much with her and my depression has also hindered me from really enjoying time with her. In fact, I'm still depressed and picking up from it. I hope I can be a good friend to her. CM and XY are appealing for the JC I'm in at the moment. They both didn't get in because this year's cut-off is extremely high. Even though there's a high chance they won't get in, it will certainly do my JC good to let them both in because I know that both of them are relatively bright, responsbile and hardworking. Whatever it is, at least hopefully I'll be able to still be as close to them as I am now, if not closer.
The true-blue exposing of the school to council nominees will be on next week. Which reminds me that I have to get my speech ready by Monday. The four of us must also rush out the video by Sunday and SJ and Stephanie have yet to do the cookies. We helped WL make the stars but the two of us have yet to tag the stars with our names.
I never knew it was so busy just to run for council! Hopefully everything will be all right. I will be glad if I get voted in, but I don't think I will be too disappointed if I don't either because just preparing for council with my friends was fun and having my name put up on the board and seeing people write encouraging messages was cool too.
I guess friends are really important and it's important to enjoy what you're doing (this is one thing I've learnt from the school counsellor). Also, I am glad I saw her before Maths because I failed the paper (5/15) but I know the paper was difficult. I got a 'Good effort!' though because I guess I do know most of my work. One thing the Maths test did was to help me clarify some doubts and thankfully Maths tests only figure less than 4% of my total grade. Avenging Angel spoke on Saturday, March 23, 2002 06:56 p.m.
Went to see a school counsellor yesterday. I found out that even though my CT tutor said he was a teacher counsellor, he actually wasn't. He was a teacher in charge of Student Council. I was quite disappointed, and later angered by him by something else.
It was not a very good day at first. I was sad and uncooperative and to make things worse, PY was sick and a little grumpy so she didn't really make a supportive friend at that time. It must have been bad for me to share my problems with her yesterday. Thankfully she didn't do something as drastic as screaming at me or something.
My CT tutor is really helpful and for that, I am very grateful. I SMSed him the night before (past 10) asking him if he was really a teacher counsellor and if there was any school counsellor whose main purpose was counselling. I didn't want to trouble any teachers. After all, they have lessons to prepare for and work to mark, and I also felt more comfortable with a trained professional.
I received an SMS from my CT tutor concerning the school counsellor and I went to see her during break. Surprisingly, I met XY in the general office but as I wasn't expecting to meet her there and bothered by my own problems, I was quite dazed and didn't see her until she called me.
Later, I sat down with the school counsellor and talked for a long time. In fact, I spent break and 2 periods of GP talking to her (about one and a half hours). It was quite comforting hearing from her, but also quite disturbing, because apparently she has a worse life than I do, even though she's now doing a lot better than she was in the past. My problems are less than mediocre when compared with hers. I admire her for her courage in standing up to her circumstances, which I shall not disclose because of the confidentiality in counselling.
I really appreciate that school counsellor. In fact, she gave me her time table and I also have her handphone number. I'm free to have regular counselling sessions with her. Even though now I still feel twinges of sadness now and then, I remember certain things she taught me during that short space of time and I feel glad I was able to open up to her and that she was able to help me.
I am doing just fine in council preparations, even though it's taking up a lot of time. Yesterday, I reached home at 12 midnight. Thankfully, WL's father could drive me home, otherwise I would have missed the last bus. I got scolded by my parents for worrying them though (I didn't tell them about my plans) but although I felt pretty guilty last night as I retreated to my room, I didn't really care because lately I've been having a few relationship problems with my family.
I remember the night before when I asked my dad about the video camera. He was very rude to me and he kept looking at me as if I were stupid. As a result, even though I didn't know how to use the camera, I refused to admit it to him because he would only be even ruder. He helped me charge the battery but later when I retreated to my room, he came in and put the camera on my chair. The reason I have to go to WL's house tomorrow (skipping church and Sunday School) is because there wasn't enough battery in the camera. No wonder he came into my room only a few minutes later to put the camera on my chair. He didn't charge it! I'm still angry with him about it. I don't know why he did that. Maybe he wanted to spite me. Whatever it is, I don't feel like clearing up the misunderstanding and talking to him again.
I'm busy now so I shall go off. My dad has been yelling unreasonably at me about using his computer because my computer hasn't been fixed. My brother has been quite a nuisance in this matter too. I have to try to use the computer before my parents come home. Avenging Angel spoke on Saturday, March 23, 2002 06:40 p.m.
Regular depression is setting in. I appreciate my friends for the comfort they've given me amidst their own busy schedules but I am still depressed...I don't know why. Even the council preparations are seeming more of a chore than a challenge even though I know that I am council material.
My brother still hasn't fixed my computer and my dad is scolding me repeatedly about my computer being spoilt when there is nothing I can do about it. I wish he wouldn't be so insensitive. Today when he scolded me, I just said a few words in my defence and then I gobbled my dinner and went upstairds. I nearly cried. When I'm so busy like I am now, I don't appreciate such insensitivity. But from what I hear, my dad is quite upset about some things at work.
I just studied one unit of Chinese Culture for the test tomorrow and then sang a whole lot of a1 songs. I really love those songs and I love a1 as well. Maybe I'll change the cd in my discman tomorrow. I'm currently listening to 98 degrees, which is quite a cool band, but since my maid found my long-lost a1 cd, I think I should relisten to some of my a1 favourites. My 98 degrees delights include I Do (Cherish You), Because Of You, The Hardest Thing and The Invisible Man. I like The Invisible Man because it has a really fresh new sound, at least to me. I generally like ballads.
I am not tired now, thankfully, probably because I just drank Ultimate Ice-Blended but I should be going to bed soon anyway because I need sleep. I might be talking to my CT tutor about my problems tomorrow but I don't really like the fact that I'm running for council and he's the council teacher, and also the fact that he's my CT tutor and Maths tutor. I mean, will talking to him jeapodise my chances of taking the Maths C 'S' paper?
Sigh...when will this depression ever stop? Tomorrow we are going filming to film a video that will involve the four of us running around in different scenes, including the Botanical Gardens, Labrador Park and WL's house (we're going to get wet by her hose), and doing stupid things like bumping into obstacles and falling (so that people will laugh and also to symbolise obstacles) and then end of the video with the words 'Running for Council', pun fully intended. It'll be quite hilarious, hopefully, and I hope we'll have a time filming it too. I must try to hide my emotions. It'll be tough seeing my CT tutor tomorrow, even though I shouldn't delay any longer, because there's only one break tomorrow and I'm needed after school for the filming.
My weekend will be busy editing the video and preparing my introduction speech. I must also touch up on the souvenirs we're giving during the campaign. I've bent all the wires into stars but we have to make a tag to attach onto the stars as well. Avenging Angel spoke on Thursday, March 21, 2002 09:13 p.m.
Thanks, CM, once again for treating me to a movie!!! I really appreciate it. :)
I went to watch A Walk to Remember with CM on Tuesday. It was quite a good show. I managed to cry four times (while CM barely shed a tear, I might add) and end up liking Mandy Moore after the show. Man, that girl can sing. Her voice is just so sweet and it came out especially so when she sang the song in church choir during the show and when she sang another solo during a stage performance. Her character, Jamie Sullivan, seems to be really a perfect person, with a reverend for a father and belonging to the Red Cross, Drama Club and some astronomy club. She also volunteers at teaching slower students. Unfortunately, she has leukaemia, which came as a great shock to me, and she died at 18??? Somewhere there...
It's really a miracle how a girl can be so focused on God. Jamie seems like a real Christian, doing all the right things. There was this scene with her on a school bus with a Bible on her lap. Oh yes, and she loves to read classics To Kill A Mockingbird. I'm a little isolated from such people though. Perhaps I'm still into this idea that it's part of human to sin, forgetting that humans were created sinless from the start. Why do they say 'to err is human, to forgive divine' then?
I'm so tired now but I still have lots to do. I'm going out with XY tomorrow so hopefully the chat with her and the Ultimate Ice-Blended will help me take things a little easier. My books are nearly due, and I haven't even finished half of them. I wonder what I've been doing. Avenging Angel spoke on Wednesday, March 20, 2002 08:30 p.m.
Not feeling very well lately. I've only been coming to school because I've been having tests for the past 2 days and I don't want people to think I'm trying to avoid taking the tests. You can never tell what people think.
Feeling tinges of sadness now and then. I don't know why exactly, but I think it has something to do with the whole council thing. I don't really know if it's something I really want to do but I guess I've got no choice but to carry on with it since it's past the deadline for withdrawal and I've already put in so much effort and time to the campaigns. So far we've done most of the banner. I'm not sure if WL will touch up on it to add our names in. We also have to do the posters and video by Friday and get the introduction speech and the campaign souvenirs done. We spent today brainstorming on video ideas and we've come up with one we're intending to use. We'll probably do the filming on Friday.
I don't know what to write for my introduction speech. Even though it's only 1 minute, it means a lot because I will have to impress the voters whatever I want to impress in 1 minute. It didn't help that I didn't go for the Council Expose because of my theory examination and so I didn't see what the council candidates last year did.
As much as I respect my group members for being committed to this whole thing, arranging meetings and contributing readily to ideas, I don't really like working with them. Perhaps this contributes to my being quite disillusioned lately. I never know if my answers and suggestions are good. I've stopped contributing in English Literature class even if I've got a few comments to make because I'm afraid they will sound stupid, and during other lessons I don't want to make myself appear as a teacher's pet too.
Pamela didn't come on Monday. I don't like her because of her airs and the fact that she is too enthusiastic about things, especially in my opinion, but the fact that she has some friends shows that she can't possibly be that bad, and also she does try to talk sometimes. I hope I won't hate her for the next two years in JC, that is, if she's in my class again (which she most probably will be).
I can't stand people who lie. My CT tutor lies a lot and I hate him for that. He can be really nice (and he smells great) but he lies a lot and I find myself not trusting him. Even that day when he told me that there was a test on Binomial Theorem I didn't believe whether it was that and Mathematical Induction or that alone because he told us earlier it was on both topics. How could he just change his mind like that?! The test we took today was horrible. I don't think I'm going to do well. My grades always fluctuate quite drastically. I scored 15/15 in my first test and 14/15 in my third test but I nearly failed my second test and I'll probably fail this one as well. The tests we take are much more difficult than the test the level takes though because my CT tutor wants to raise our standards. He gives us the level test as part of exercise.
I'm really busy and neglecting a few things. I hope this won't go on. I also hope I won't fall asleep in class, like I have today. The teacher wasn't boring...it was just that I was really tired. Tomorrow, there's Geography lecture. Oh man...what has happened to my attitude towards Geography? I don't look forward to Geography lectures and tutorials anymore and I'm way behind in my knowledge about Geography (because it's content-based, I don't expect to absorb everything in one lecture, not that I pay much attention anyway). I haven't read the notes. Sigh... Avenging Angel spoke on Wednesday, March 20, 2002 08:17 p.m.
Had a great day at Sunday School today. My Sunday School teacher really thinks a lot and has a lot of new insights to offer.
I'm feeling better now because I realise I'm meant to be perfect and I won't shred my humanity by striving for perfection. It's sin that shouldn't be there in the first place. I have to rush this because I've lots to do so I'm only going to write a short entry today.
Went to watch A Beautiful Mind. Serious and thought-provoking. Now I like that kind of shows. This must be a record breaker...my movie-watching. Avenging Angel spoke on Sunday, March 17, 2002 07:03 p.m.
Just watched I Not Stupid the movie. I had a really bad day today so I decided to go watch a movie and it did make me feel better. In fact, it broke all movie records by making me cry 5 times. The broken record was I Am Sam during which I cried 4 times.
My head is woozy now, I think from too much crying. Normally when I end up crying in my room, I get a total hangover and this time it's much worse because I practically sat through the entire movie with tears running down my face and mucus streaming out of my nose. I am really thankful that I thought better of throwing away my Long John Silver's serviette and bringing it into the movies instead. Kudos to the inventor of tissue paper.
My mother's ordering pizza delivery home. Yay! Actually it was my idea. :) I think we're trying the new Cheesy Crust pizza too. That's at least something nice to look forward to. I still have a tinge of profound sadness though, so I'm still going on with my plans to visit the school counsellor. I hope visiting the school counsellor doesn't mean I'm mentally unstable or anything, and I hope no one will view me differently because of that.
Well, I will most probably go online now and play. :) Can't wait to sing The Glory of Easter tomorrow at Youth Choir. Avenging Angel spoke on Saturday, March 16, 2002 07:07 p.m.
Feeling EXTREMELY miserable now. What a change from my normally happy exterior. I'm in the school computer lab now after a Photoshop workshop and I bet I only learnt half the lessons, the reason being that (1) I chose to sit right at the back so I could do other things as well and found out I couldn't see the board clearly, (2) I can't follow this stuff and I got fed up and gave up, (3) I'm irritated and I don't know why.
I'm shocked at myself. I actually snapped at the teacher who was trying to teach me and pulled a long face throughout the whole session. This is not befitting of what people deem a councillor should be like and also contrary to my expectations of myself. I think the whole thing just got to me, and besides CM and PY didn't come today so I sat alone.
I'm going nuts and feeling extremely sorry for myself. On Monday I will go to see the school counsellor and get myself counselled before I jump off the next building I see. Reminds me of last night when I sat in bed crying and crying until I felt really sick (headache and all because of too much dehydration) and went to bed.
What should I do today? I should actually go to LTF but I don't feel like going. Maybe I should treat myself to a movie at Jurong East if there's one available. I think I'll go there and have lunch. And I'm the kind of person who won't go anywhere else once I've set my mind on it.
I'm fed up...irritated and angry. ARGH! Avenging Angel spoke on Saturday, March 16, 2002 11:56 a.m.
Went out with XY for a nice Coffee Bean lunch and Ultimate Ice-Blended. My mother actually gave me extra money. Wow.
I realised my brother can be really nice sometimes. Today he actually got my computer fixed. Even though now it's spoilt again, I really appreciate the effort he put in. The way he works with computers really astounds me. He knows what he's doing, and he understands the computers so well. As I watched him work, I thought to myself that he will never run out of career prospects. Even if he doesn't get into JC, he will still be able to do some computing course in polytechnic and get a job as a technician.
People always see JC as the right route of education, and polytechnic as the wrong route meant only for people who cannot make it to JC. I suppose it's because the requirements for admission to polytechnic are less stringent. I wonder why. I read an article today in Life! Weekend on people after their A levels and how they see the future. Some of them did better than expected, and others did much worse. Some even failed their A levels just by one great. It's quite sad that you can get two As but if you get an O for the last subject, it means you've failed your A levels. The most common routes are a) to go into polytechnic, b) to work before studying again (because seriously, without a diploma nor an A level certificate, there's not really much you can work as), c) to go overseas, d) to go into a private university such as the Singapore Institute of Management. XY was commenting why Life! Weekend didn't do a special on the O levels but we agreed that the A levels mean much more to one's future, even though the past major exams do contribute to some extent.
I don't feel like going back to school. The thought of running for council now daunts me. I really can't believe my friend made it to council and quit. How could she give up so much?! But I guess observers can't really judge and now she's actually captain of the girls' track team. I guess that's why I have to keep some of my CCAs even if I do get into council. Council doesn't give all the CCA points necessary. I'm joining council not really for the points but rather for the experience, not even for the fact that it will look good on my resume.
Sigh...I'm pretty bothered about things. I've got so much I want to do and so little time to do it. I've been neglecting some things as of late and the holidays are nearly coming to an end. Perhaps I shall spend this whole afternoon doing something I deem fruitful. Usually what I deem fruitful involves the use of the Internet. :) Avenging Angel spoke on Friday, March 15, 2002 02:55 p.m.
Feeling quite disillusioned about running for council. Perhaps my mother was right all along.
I don't know how people can judge how good you are to be a councillor based on 3 days of campaigning. Never judge a book by its cover. I don't know how sabotaging people by making them sing songs or dance stupid dances during the Question and Answer session helps in determining a good councillor too. Maybe they want to see how much of a people person you are. But councillors work behind the scenes too so how will you be able to judge?
I'm getting sick of the preparation work. We have to come up with posters and a banner and we are intending to do a video for our introduction. We also have to prepare for the introductory speech (that's an individual one) and the Question and Answer session too. I don't like the work especially when I don't even know if I will be selected. On one hand one could say that I have the experience of trying for council but on the other hand it will be a complete waste of my time and effort if I don't get in.
I feel quite disillusioned with society in general and somehow I feel detached from life. Today I was annoyed with a mother and son for making so much noise. Actually they were just conversing normally but I was reading a book and feeling very irritated with them. When I moved away from them up the queue they naturally moved up with me, which got me further irritated. Why can't I just be happy with life? But what Sharon Creech brought up is quite interesting: in a box of bad things there may be a good thing called hope, and in a box of good things there may be a bad thing called worry. Nothing is ever perfect.
Wish I could see a psychologist or a school counsellor. Should I? Maybe I should. But do I even have the time. I'm struggling with my time management now as it is, even if my activities involve hanging out with my friends.
My dad is in Spain at the moment. I like it that way, even though I sometimes feel guilty for feeling that way. I feel a little distant from my dad most of the time, because I can't really relate to him. He's quite a strict person and we do have a lot of problems sometimes, which I feel unable to share with him. I still remember the day I went mad on him. I don't think I will ever forget what happened on that day. It was scary seeing the way I reacted to things.
I went out with CM today and we had a great time, even though I felt really guilty for being late. I'm known to never be late. I guess I mixed up the time. We went for a movie (I Am Sam, during which I cried about 4 times) and then ate a few snacks (ice cream, Ultimate Ice-Blended). We also took a Neoprint! I love the card we took and I treasure the friendship we have. Sometimes I really appreciate XY and CM for who they are and what they mean to me. I don't think anyone will ever be able to replace them, not in the near future at least.
Hope I can clear the 75 council e-mails now (75?!) as well as catch up on other things. I have so much to do in so little time, even during leisure and holiday periods. How ironic. Avenging Angel spoke on Thursday, March 14, 2002 09:43 p.m.
Sitting here in the school computer lab right now with my fingers freezing until they're almost stiff.
I'm going for Huang Cheng later. I can't believe I would have forgotten totally about my ticket had PY not called me up saying that we got the wrong tickets. I'm taking the best seat. Why didn't I buy the ticket?! I'm glad it's today though because it means that I watched tv last night. I love Tuesday night shows.
I went for a Photoshop workshop today. It was quite cool but a little hard to follow. I learnt quite a bit though and I wish the teacher would move faster. Even if he does his teaching at this slow pace, I wouldn't be able to get some of what he's saying anyway. He did repeat things twice but I didn't get it either.
Can you believe I went on NeoPets for maybe 3+ hours? I read the entire guild message board and answered all my neomails.
Nothing more to add now but I've to rush to post this before the timed shutdown.
I'm watching I Am Sam tomorrow!!! Cool!!! Can't wait for that. Avenging Angel spoke on Wednesday, March 13, 2002 05:05 p.m.
Not feeling very good at the moment. Had quite an outburst today on the MRT and later became quite disillusioned as well as tired.
I went out with XY today just like I did yesterday, and as usual we splurged on ourselves. We ate our meals at Coffee Bean and drank Ice-Blendeds. I must try to control my splurging. It's not good for me to spend so much money. We spent more than each of the past 2 days so you can gauge what we have been doing.
Yesterday, XY came over to my house to do some revision, but guess what? We didn't feel like studying so we didn't. She took my notes though and then we went to Lido to watch Queen of the Damned. I maintained that I didn't think it was a good idea to watch the show, because there are tons of other shows I would have rather watched, but since XY wanted it, ok. We had quite a great time talking about it afterward and XY wanted to buy the novel by Anne Rice. We agreed it wasn't a good show in terms of having a good plot, but in terms of action, violence and entertainment value, I guess, it's passable. I'd still rather watch A Walk to Remember though.
AHHH!!! CM got A Walk to Remember tickets! I can't believe it, and as it was the last time, I am so grateful to her for bringing me along. I really wanted to catch this movie, and if she hadn't got the tickets, I would have spent the money on this movie anyway. A Walk to Remember was the first novel which my GP teacher cried at, so it must have a good storyline. I'm much of a crier, so I think I will enjoy the movie very much. I prefer a sad movie to a scary one, and a lighthearted movie to a classic.
Today, XY and I went swimming at Jurong. The pools were cool and the slides looked exciting but we nearly died on the smallest slide that we didn't sit on any more slides. We had a nice time in the wave pool though and we sat on the floats for a long time. For 80 cents admission fee, the whole thing was quite fun, and the signs were so unclear that we didn't know we had to pay for the floats so we didn't. XY said it was the government's treat. :)
Now, for the reason why I was positively angered today. Sidetrack: Oh no, I've been ignoring the messages from MSN messenger from my friends and now one friend thinks I'm angry. I'm not. I'm just typing this diary. Oh well. Anyway, I was angry today because some people are simply annoying. Today when we went out to Orchard Road, three people actually yawned wide open without covering their mouths! I was so appalled at this lack of manners. Also, a few people didn't even watch where they were going and were bumping into me. Not only that, some people were taking a long time to process orders, and some other salespeople were rude. I was quite shocked by all these societal flaws, and for a moment, I wanted to be a non-human, maybe even a demon. Just to overpower humans could be fun sometimes. Maybe I don't know half of what I'm talking about though.
I'm sick of perfection. I'm trying to be perfect and yet I'm learning how perfect one can become without hurting others. I'm hurt by this girl in my class who's so perfect she's giving me an inferiority complex (and while my Sunday School classmate is quite perfect, I'm not that jealous of her and I'm not referring to her - I'm referring to someone else). Also, I just sometimes think about people in leadership positions e.g. President of Student Council (not particular people, just roles) and I wonder how they can be perfect. It just seems unnatural, and sometimes I hate it when you can never see people truly unless you really know them. I'm quite fed up.
Tomorrow I have to go back to school for CCA and to hand in my GP essay. Which reminds me that I haven't done my GP essay yet. I'd better get down to doing it now. Avenging Angel spoke on Tuesday, March 12, 2002 09:57 p.m.
I'm running for council! I just told my mother that I am really interested in running for council, especially after the council-meet-class talk and she just said ok! She seemed a little fed up with this whole council business though. Maybe she was just so tired of arguing about the same issue that she decided to let me run for council. Stephanie, SJ and I will be meeting online tonight to discuss our campaign since the three of us will be running for council together. I hope all three of us get in. WL isn't sure if she wants to run yet.
I'm typing this now so as to make us of my time well before I meet XY later. I just went out with my classmates for a Pizza Hut lunch! It was really nice there, but I shared a lot more things than I really wanted to share. I'm still a little sad about it, but I'm not going to dwell too much on it hopefully. After all, what's done is done.
Apparently my JC did exceptionally well last year for the A levels! I am shocked, and so are many people. We have not done so well since 1974 and we clinched the first place alone for the first time. Last year we tied in first place with two other JCs. As a result, we get a half day off for today and another half day off for tomorrow. We ended at 10.45am today and we will be starting school at 10.45am tomorrow! That means sleep-ins for tomorrow. I hope I wake up early to do some studying though. I might consider waking up at the usual time to come to school and make use of the school facilities to do some studying.
Sometimes I get a little bored. I want to enrich myself and do something with my life instead of studying all the time. I hope I get into council. As for now, I'd also better get on with my NeoPets guild council and keep up with the work there. There's quite a lot of work, but it's fun! Avenging Angel spoke on Thursday, March 7, 2002 03:46 p.m.
The A level results are out. We are having a half day tomorrow because the seniors did extraordinarily well. Really extraordinary. I mean, 82% A for Maths C and 73.5% A for Geography? My entire class will be going out to eat tomorrow at Pizza Hut. After that, I will go out with XY for Best Friends' Day.
I was feeling kind of sad today. It's funny how I have sudden mood swings. This sadness started yesterday though.
Council elections are coming up. My friends are all encouraging me to join council and I'm grateful for their support. On the one hand, I know that council will be fun and I'm eager to meet and work with people. The leadership role will also expose me to more opportunities for personal development and give me an upper edge in vying for scholarships. On the other hand, I don't know if I'm up to the challenge. My basic character is full of contradictions, e.g. I'm hardworking and yet lazy, I obey rules and yet I sometimes give in to temptation. I'm not perfect. I don't know if my big mouth and tendency to run make me a tomboy, so much so that I shame the school. But then, not all people are perfect, and councillors are human too. Perhaps it was never the problem with other people, but only my inability to accept myself.
I have been seriously pondering over whether I want to join council. I found the council-meet-class talk today very helpful. I think I really am interested in council. Who cares about the rough campaigns that I may have to do to let the whole school know me, and the endless hours I will have to spend with my council mates doing council work if I join council? I don't. I'm sure I can juggle my studies and council work well. After all, really, there will be others in the same boat as me, I thrive quite well under pressure sometimes, and the more work I have, the more satisfied I become, and generally the harder I work. That's what I believe. I hope I'm not mistaken.
My senior and another classmate objected straight out to me being a councillor (or should I say, even running for council) and my mother too. My mother is irritating me. I feel that she's trying to intrude into my life, making all kinds of choices for me that normal people my age make for themselves. I appreciate her for being herself, but there are some parts of her that I cannot stand, like the fact that she likes imposing values on me and also taking advantage of the fact that I will obey her. Sometimes I feel I have to break free. I wouldn't even have developed from the current 3 councils I'm in if she had her way. One of the major obstacles in me running for council I that I need parental permission to apply, unlike the other times when I could just accept the position that was offered to me.
I'm going to try convincing my mother again. I strongly believe I will make a good council member. I'm going to try out for Drama auditions later. I hope I don't get stage fright and cramp up. I have potential to act if I only stop being so self-conscious. Avenging Angel spoke on Wednesday, March 6, 2002 02:35 p.m.
Haven't been updating my page for quite a while so I'd better do it now. Yesterday I got my O level results. It was quite satisfactory: 9 points but the breakdown wasn't that pleasant. In fact looking just at the breakdown I cannot believe that 9 points is possible. I got an A1 for English, Chinese and D. Maths, an A2 for Geography, A. Maths and Physics, a B3 for Chemistry, a C5 for English Literature and a C6 for Higher Chinese.
I guess there isn't much use speculating over what I could have done to make those results better, nor comparing my results with other people who are generally weaker than me but did better than me this time round. I guess I just have to be thankful that my results are ok (considering my handwriting was near-illegibility and that I didn't study as hard as I could have for certain subjects). At least I can make it back to the JC I want to go to.
I went to see Crossroads on Wednesday! It was so cool! Britney Spears was such a great actress and the movie was so funny and touching all at the same time that it was lightheartedly serious! I was so entertained. I'm really glad CM brought me there to see the sneak preview. Thanks CM! :)
Anyway, my Maths test went fine. I topped the class (I think) by getting 14/15 which was quite pleasant but I was quite annoyed that my Maths teacher said it wasn't easy and scared me off. I guess it was my fault in listening to him though and believing the worst. CM's teacher didn't even tell her to study for it! At least what he said made me study, albeit break out in cold sweat. ;)
I blew off my top the other day when I was totally pissed off with my English Literature teacher for wasting my time with elementary and stupid poems, and then with this guy (my mortal), who I just happen to not like his face, who also was standing in the way after I came out from English Literature class. Not a good time to stand in my way. :) Then, I skipped P.E. with the excuse that I couldn't find my class, simply because I didn't go look for them in the hall but just didn't see them at the usual place. Boy, am I wicked!
Wanted to miss Economics lecture but luckily PY brought me back. I'm thankful for that and grateful for people who do the right thing and guide me along the right path. I want to be a good girl and do the right things but sometimes when many people do the wrong things I start being dragged away even though I feel uncomfortable.
I'm really just so busy. I have to rush my Theory homework and make time for my dental appointment, as well as some more time with XY. I just wish I had more time on my hands or more motivation to use my time better. I'm striving to be an Angel. Somehow I like being a counsellor and friend but I don't want to be hypocritical in the sense that I like the possibility of social work but not the possibility of getting back together with my grandmother. Avenging Angel spoke on Friday, March 1, 2002 10:52 a.m.
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