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*girl
Esther, 17, HCJC Year 2, Singapore. A Christian who loves God, literature, music and art. Contactable via MSN (literature1999@hotmail.com) or ICQ (135922618).
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Autumn Song
vs8 - But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.
Sometimes we forget our focus in life. We forget that Christ will come again and judge the world, and that we who believe in Him and have accepted His salvation will be ushered into a new heaven and a new earth. We forget that we are to be ready for His coming. Just because Christ hasn't yet come doesn't mean that he will not come, or that he will not come soon. The Bible says that 'the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night'. Matthew 24 details the signs, warnings, of Christ's coming. Christ's coming is near. However, the Lord is yet delaying His coming, 'not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance'. The unsaved should heed the signs and warnings and come to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ before it is too late. Those who have been saved through no merit of their own should act appropriately to spread the message of salvation to others, and to live a life that is pleasing to God.
Today's sermon was entitled 'Divine Discipline Is Not Punishment'. In summary, God is a God of Love (1 John 4:8) and Our Father, as we address Him in The Lord's Prayer. Hebrews 12:6 and 7 state that as a father who loves his son, God disciplines His children. However, in disciplining His children, God is merciful while being just at the same time (Psalm 89:14). As Hebrews 12:5 reads, a rebuke from God is more serious than a chastening, capable of causing one to faint. The merciful God chastens first before rebuking. God rebukes by touching the things we love the most, though not cruelly. Not all misfortunes may be divine discipline. Examine our hearts to see if we have ignored God's warnings and sinned repeatedly. We can avoid rebuke by heeding God's promise to us in 1 John 1:9 of His forgiveness and cleansing if we confess our sins to Him.
I teared during the sermon because I realised how much I'd neglected God and how much I'd sinned. I needed comfort today over my self-pronounced screwed up academic life and my emotional state. However, I was reminded that my spiritual life was supposed to be my main focus, and it wasn't. I thank God that although I haven't been reading the Bible and praying, nor pleasing Him, he's drawing me nigh to Him with the God's Daily Promises I get in the e-mail, by showing His care and concern every day (through little bits of beauty of nature that He helps me notice, through His provision of an earthly family and friends who care and encourage, and for giving me strength to go on) and by comforting me and bringing me close to Him today. I had a good talk with DW just now on the phone where I shared a lot of personal spiritual, emotional and academic problems. I thank God for giving him the wisdom to encourage and help. I don't want to hide behind my faith without having a close relationship with God (i.e. be deluded by the knowledge of God that I've known since I was young and not sincerely show a change in my life as a result of knowing God), but I thank God for working His purposes through my weak life. In addition, I am burdened because I don't want to worry my parents (I told my dad I didn't have time to do Maths today but although I wanted to share more I didn't have the heart to tell him about my problems with schoolwork) and I need to get good results for the block tests so as to not attract any unwanted attention from my parents and teachers. I am facing a lot of problems in school now, not only academically (i.e. lessons -not paying attention-, schoolwork -not doing-, homework -not doing-) but also in my relationships with teachers (their impressions). But God knows what's best for me, and I pray that I'll study for the block tests and do well and if not, be able to accept whatever result I get and the consequences of getting that result.
I watched a little of Art Nation, then the News, instead of other programs, over dinner and a little while after that in an effort to watch God-pleasing shows. I also had a good chat with Prisca.
My mom saw the doctor again today. 3rd stage of pulse (sp?). She's longsuffering, so when she goes to the doctor it really is serious. If the medicine doesn't work and/or if her illness advances to 4th stage she should consider/has to go for surgery respectively. Mom's in quite a bit of pain in that area and having frequent stomachaches too, to the point of needing to lie down and rest. This Wed we'll know the results to her biopsy, whether the growth in her breast is cancerous. Two entirely different medical problems facing one person at the same time. :(
On a lighter note, I don't think I've hurt my wrist since Thursday and by God's grace, it really is showing recovery, after so many weeks perhaps, with some rough and ugly patches falling off by themselves to reveal new skin. :)
I'm thinking of going back to Sunday School next week.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:39 p.m.
I'm a little angry at myself. I think some things are still dangerous topics to talk about with me. Until now I still haven't managed to work my anger through them. Even though I concede that having an S paper would take up more time, not only in terms of lessons but in homework and additional readings, and that I am already struggling to tears to cope with my 4 subjects, I still haven't been able to get over not getting an S paper. I am convinced that the Hwa Chong system is extra strict. (People who read this, I am not trying to insult or imply anything, but I am really trying to work through my feelings. You don't have to read if you don't want to.) Yet somehow I know that I could have done better. Even if I appealed I may not get an S paper considering my stress (I think my GP tutor alone is enough to veto giving me an S paper, not to mention the counselling sessions and depressions. Besides, if you looked at my present grades, I think academically a lot of things went downhill). I think it's not just about the S paper. It's a regret that I really screwed up my JC life. All the missing school, the missing of class (my teachers closed one eye although they did approach me when I skipped classes to either cry in a little corner in school or to go home, only to come back for council). I didn't do tutorials, but I did assignments, now, I'm owing work. Things are just going downhill for me. I'm afraid of the block tests because I can't cope. Last block tests I spent one week alone on Maths. This time I can't do Maths. 37 chapters of Geography and 23 chapters of Econs (MCQ, Essay, Case Study and Date Response), one Shakespeare text I haven't even read for Lit (THREE acts!), even Rossetti, all the readings undone, and I'm losing confidence. I don't know how I'm going to take the exams, and how I'm going to face my parents. Seriously I look at my notes and cry. I cried today when I was doing Maths with DW. My dad was sufficiently upset when I got a CDEE the last time. Today he told me that a BBE can't make it into NUS Arts. I felt very challenged about the S paper thing today (I feel some people who didn't do as well as I did got S papers, and I envy them not only because of their S papers and other qualifications e.g. school representations etc. which will pave the way for a lot of things but also because they really did well in terms of attitude -yes, they slacked too but ultimately teachers liked them and I can see why, they deserve it- while I'm quite eccentric, jumping from lopsided playfulness to serious depression)...it seems like when I'm out with my family that's the only thing we talk about - academics and future university education, and I'm angry with myself for talking about it, sharing my problems and complaining about exams etc, and about how Hwa Chong is so stressful. On better days I'd be thankful that I'm in my dream college, I'd look at my council friends like Nat, Haihan and Sean, even think about the Arts Fac Party (and Alanna's lovely singing of Celebrity Skin -that one keeps coming back), but sometimes I would just regret everything, council, even Hwa Chong. I dwell too much in the past and some things haven't stopped hurting.
I SUCK. I hate myself for thinking so much, for dwelling in the past, for being so eccentric and so far out of reach of people. I wanted to study but now I think I'll sleep. Very tired and disturbed.
I don't know what to say. I don't even know if I should post this up. Maybe it's too sensitive. Crying now. Feeling quite hopeless. Block tests. For the first time in my life I can't cope. I don't want to fail Maths.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:46 p.m.
I've finished Slam Dunk Books 1-15 from Friday two weeks ago to today, i.e. in 14 days. I didn't rush either, in fact, I was admiring, appreciating, scrutinizing and analysing the art, and flipping back and forth between pages like I always do, even in MSN conversations. I like to drown in words and pictures. Go me on finishing 15 Chinese manga in 14 days, 2 of which were in Traditional (as opposed to Simplified) Chinese, and for reading so fast despite it being the first time reading Chinese manga. =) Slam Dunk's really a very good series. It's serious, yet funny, and there are a lot of lessons I can pick up from it and apply e.g. never give up, esp. as long as there is a hope, and that hard work can make one successful even if one is not naturally skilled. My list of favourites goes in this order: Xian1 Dao4 (Sendoh), Teng2 Zhen1, Mu4 Mu4, Gong1 Chen2, Yan2 Yi1 (Aida), Yang2 Ping2 and Qing1 Tian2. I didn't borrow new comics. I will borrow them again when I feel free enough to read another big set of books.
After returning the 15 books, I went to eat at MacDonalds and was a little hurt by the price. I'm really making a conscious effort to save now. But I ate a quick meal before heading down to Clementi MRT station. It was the first time going to Ginza Plaza from my house and then going to Clementi MRT station from Ginza Plaza (the last two times I did it the other way round) but thank God I managed after crossing the overhead bridge twice and asking around. I led a woman from China to Clementi MRT too and talked to her along the way. After walking to the bus stop with her, taking the bus with her, and seeing her off when her train came, she shook my hand just as I was about to leave. I felt really happy. =) zhu4 ren2 wei2 kuai4 le4 zhi1 ben3. I must try to see beyond myself.
I decided to study at library@esplanade today because City Hall is nearer to my house than Orchard (library@orchard). It was a good experience. Here are some things to note: The library@esplanade has no toilet! However, there are toilets on the 1st and 2nd floors of the esplanade so going to the toilet is not very inconvenient if you know your way. Going to the toilet in between studying also gives me a chance to walk a while and rejuvenate and not be so confined. Although I thought that the library cafes were all the same (i.e. Cafe Gaililee), I found out that the one at library@esplanade is Art Digest, and it's more posh and comfortable. Besides the small white round tables and chairs, there are very nice cushioned chairs and high tables with tall stools. However, the lighting is only good for the white round tables. While Cafe Galilee's tables are generally used for studying and book-browsing, Art Digest's are also used for afternoon tea chatting, since there are study tables and a meeting room in the library@esplanade. I like studying at the study tables because it's more quiet, and the tables are big and rectangular. As is my tradition, I tried the iced-blended cafe mocha at Art Digest, and -announcement of announcements!- it's surpassed the Ultimate Ice-Blended Mocha at Coffee Bean, a feat none of the numerous iced-blended mochas I've tried previously has been able to do. For $5.60, I get an original, different mocha, with a distinct strong and bitter coffee taste which I think was because of the addition of expresso instead of coffee to the ice and chocolate powder. The presentation of this Cafe Mocha is also a notch above the rest: instead of a transparent soft plastic cup, this one comes in a nice porcelain tall mug with vertical wavy brown stripes. For an experienced and avid iced-blended mocha lover I am very impressed with this. Also, the service at the cafe is excellent. I am boycotting Clementi's Coffee Bean because I have had it with the bad service there. The only downside to the Cafe Mocha at Art Digest (or perhaps it could be considered an upside too) is that it is smaller and more expensive, and although it is a satisfactory portion, I can finish it a lot faster than the other iced-blendeds I've tried. Another downside is that I don't know of any other Art Digest outlets, and the one at library@esplanade is way more inconvenient than the numerous Coffee Bean outlets I know of. The food at Art Digest looks fabulous, and it is not too expensive (the lower prices are comparable with those at Coffee Bean). I saw a woman eating spaghetti out of a pan (I think Nat might like it. ^^) library@esplanade also has cds which I can listen to right then and there (on my discman perhaps). Other libraries do have multimedia services, but I think these are quite limited. However, library@esplanade does have performances which can be very distracting. At about 7.30p.m. there was a rock band performing so I left because the drum beats resonating from the centre stage to the study area were really making me sick. The music at the centre stage is really noise, and like most amateur rock bands, the lead singer can't sing and the drum beats are too loud. The song would have sounded better instrumental and without a drum. I feel that too many rock bands rely heavily on drums, which actually spoil the music, and their singers tend to strain their voices. Singers who can't drag a note without going flat should not sing. On another note, I have very little respect for people who shake their legs continuously, especially guys who cross their legs and either tap the floor or shake the lifted foot. I have very little respect for people who shake the table too.
I am on the 4th set of Atmosphere lecture notes. While I was a little upset today because I was very tired (slept a while in the morning and afternoon, then took a bath before setting out to return my comics and study), I am glad that I managed to do some studying at least. I have come to the conclusion that travelling to a library is not a waste of time for me because being in a library will give me the conducive environment necessary for me to study. Also, I should have done at least some studying everyday, no matter how little. I will learn from this next time. Atmosphere was very confusing, I had to flip through different lecture notes and try to piece together all the concepts. I am not content with plain facts, I need to know WHY. I am not satisfied with just knowing that something occurs especially in spring, I need to know why. (And I need to revise the notes again too a day before the exams.) I haven't been mugging, the little studying I've done has just been studying, trying to piece together what the lecture notes are trying to say and remember concepts. My way of reading and studying is very detailed, like I'm drinking in all the information, relating and connecting, but I still need one last recap before the exam. The trouble is the only thing I've done is Geography and I'm not even near halfway done. I will feel a lot better once I've done Rocks and Landforms, because that is a huge topic and it's a whole lot of processes and formations which may be hard to understand.
Took some Mrs. Fields brownie samplings on the way home. Yum! Dinner was at Jurong East's Kobayashi (I think), where I got a chicken teriyaki bento for just $5.50: chicken teriyaki, tempura, rice rolls with sprinkled black seeds, and noodles. Yum! I'm trying to eat more and regularly too and trying not to injure myself. Although yesterday afternoon while studying in the library I did hurt my wrist quite badly and tore off one nail (I hope no one saw) I didn't hurt myself in those areas today, though a little bit of mind injuring still happens. Trying to stop the more serious injuring, which is occuring at a degree that is a lot less serious. I cut my fingernails today and did it pretty well too, so hopefully that will reduce the chance of injury (because my nails are too short to be pulled out and because my injured nail has been trimmed and smoothened and doesn't need to be perfected).
I need a lot of prayer, especially in the areas of study. I need to get work done and I need rest too.
Friday Five June 27, 2003
1. How are you planning to spend the summer [winter]?
2. What was your first summer job?
3. If you could go anywhere this summer [winter], where would you go?
4. What was your worst vacation ever?
5. What was your best vacation ever?
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:58 p.m.
1. DW and I had a really good talk yesterday. Twice.
2. Did a bit of searching around (though nothing compared to my usual pre-exam preparation filing) and found 2 sets of Geography notes and some Econs.
3. Met Peishan at the library today. The girl's done all the MCQs for the topics she's tested on for Econs, and even had a 2.5h consulation session with her teacher today. Must learn from her. She really looks like she's on to big things. Lent her two Plath essays (which thank God I could find quite easily, they were just sitting somewhere waiting to be found) and even though I only talked to her for a very short time she had me smiling back to my seat in the library. Was able to joke with her. Such a bubbly girl. Thank God for her and the friendship I have with her. I should treasure it.
4. Managed to study Lectures 1 and 2 and a bit of Lecture 3 for Atmosphere. Really didn't feel like studying, and Atmosphere's really difficult 'cos it has a whole lot of plain facts that are hard to understand and connect e.g. surface wind system, upper air system, ocean currents, wet tropical climate, wet-dry tropical climate, dry tropical climate, dry tropical climate - western littoral. In order to really understand what the topic is about, I have had to flip back and forth between notes and commit key figures to my mind. Also, I have to admit that I was starting pretty much from scratch because Atmosphere's a new topic, I didn't pay attention during lectures and I didn't do my last Geography assignment. (It's been years since I owed this much homework - I didn't really do tutorials regularly, but I never owed so many assignments in so many different subjects and for so long [Lit essay was due at least a month ago]). But I thank God for giving me a good Geography background, helping me draw a few diagrams here and there on my lecture notes, pay attention during tutorials and for helping me to somehow, at the end of today, have an idea of what the lecture notes were trying to say. Unfortunately (for my morale) I'm going to do Atmosphere -4 lecture notes- then Rocks and Landforms -11 lecture notes- (Physical Geog) first before starting on Population Geog -10 lecture notes- (Human Geog) because Physical is a lot harder to understand and I'm more confident with Human Geog. I'm starting from the new topics first: Atmosphere, (did Urban Geog already), then Rocks and Landforms, then Population Geog. Another thing about Physical Geog is I cannot start from the back because if I don't know the contents of the front, I will be very lost at the back whereas for Human Geog, things are more common-sensical. I feel that Geography is not really about memory work, it's a lot more about understanding. I haven't really studied anything except Geography yet and I haven't even touched half of Geography, but I pray that with God's grace I will have the discipline and the ability to go through what I need to go through (really forced myself to study today, it took a lot of discipline and I was very slow and rereading but I didn't leave early). I thank God for giving me a plan at least, although I am really starting to get worried because I haven't touched my other subjects yet.
5. Wenhui came over while I was studying today, which really got me self-conscious, but I told myself I had to stop being like this. Thank God things got better later, and though many thoughts were running through my mind, I was able to study. Later he moved one seat away from me, which got me thinking again too, but I guess on hindsight I really appreciated it because he -was- sitting too close for my liking (although he was sitting a normal distance next to me it was uncomfortable simply because I've erected my personal barriers further away from me. Later I went out of the library 'cos it was just a little noisy (later I managed to stay in there besides the cold and late-afternoon/evening noise by God's grace) and froze in the wind but the white clouds in the baby blue sky were really lovely and I met Nat who somehow made me smile uncontrollably and have the inspiration for a paragraph and a poem (at that point when she walked past I really missed having a friend, and somehow after she said hello and walked past I felt a twinge right then and the question 'Does she think I want to be alone?'). At about 1.30p.m., Nat, Wenhui and I went for lunch, and I tried to open up and although I was self-conscious it really was a good start. I'm glad people still appreciate me though. To me I'm too physically ugly and not able to articulate myself well enough to carry out a decent friendship/relationship with anyone. I was afraid that people in the library were looking at me, somehow prying all my defences apart and seeing me, an insecure girl lifting up her spectacles all the time (I was conscious that I was doing that) and looking sad and qian4 zou4 (i.e. once you look at my face, you'd feel like hitting me) even though I wasn't trying to look unfriendly. I felt very helpless.
6. Lunch was good. I finished up all my food (every crumb) and relatively quickly too. I also managed to save some money since the lunch was only $3.60 ($3 for Lemon Chicken Rice and $0.60 for Barley). As usual being very self-conscious, I made an effort to eat faster and to finish my food so as not to invite questions and not to let my two friends wait for me. Thank God I didn't get sick or feel extremely exhausted as I normally do after meals.
7. After the library closed and I decided to go home (Nat and Wenhui studied outside the library and later in the canteen after that), I went to peep into the council room and welfare room and admire their Interactive Notice Board. I'm really proud of them for keeping the Ecaco store so neat, for changing the layout of the room to hide the sofa etc. behind the cupboards for more privacy and for doing up a very lovely board. The impression I get of the 30th from the board they did is that they're really happy people, happy to be in council and happy to share with the students. The board was very cheerful and personal. =)
8. I smsed DW before I called so I wouldn't be disturbing him but he said it would be ok so I called him and we had a really nice chat. I was in a good mood, so I was being nice. =) I talked to him while walking out of school (and waved my handphone cover at Cheryl 'cos I was pleasantly caught by surprise and my waving hand (right hand) was tangled with my handphone cover), while waiting for the bus, and for a while on the bus.
9. I got an air-conditioned double-decked bus and managed to sit in my favourite seat and listen to Michael Card's Poiema cd. The batteries for the discman went flat just as I was about to reach home. =)
10. Although I was in a mood to save (though I had enough money, somehow I wanted to save for the next outing with DW so we could have a really good time, not that money is very necessary for a good time of course) I decided to treat myself to Maoam Strips. I chewed some on the way home (which really reduced relative distance) and gave one to my brother. I was in a significantly good mood because the moment I entered the house I greeted my father and brother and even made them both smile. =)
11. I managed to reach home in time for the last episode of Ah Cheng. While waiting I read Slam Dunk, and my father switched on the tv for me while I was reading so I managed to watch some news and the beginning of Ah Cheng. I really like the theme song, in fact I was humming to it just now and have actually been playing it using different instruments (humming different musical sounds haha). The whole family watched Ah Cheng. The last episode ended rather inconclusively, but it was absurd and laughable at certain points (It was not intentionally so but my father and I can spot certain absurdities in Taiwanese dramas and in Ah Cheng in particular. I even made jokes that were genuinely funny) and generally happy. I loved the reflections the best, when an elderly Ah Cheng reminisces his harder childhood and youth. His success did not come easy, but he really was a hardworking and smart person. He worked hard, he expected much of himself morally and in achievement, and when he gained success he was compassionate. My mom and I agreed that problems come about because of unrequited love and the love for money. In the show, so many people's lives were wasted because of their evil.
12. I did have an enjoyable time with my family, but my brother's teasing went a bit too far when he kept mimicking my grandmother, putting out a soft hand and calling out to me confusedly. Although I kept hitting his hand and squealing for him to stop, even pretending to cry, he continued with his act. Actually, I was really freaked out and I didn't like it at all, but thank God eventually he stopped. This happened last night too, when my mom hit me playfully for a while then later I moved away and kept screaming, eyeing her warily, refusing to let her out of my side and moving to my room. Thank God she stopped hitting me, though I was still out of control. I get very freaked out sometimes, and I lose control of myself. Yesterday I was also afraid I would fall on the stairs and hurt my back. This has been quite a repetitive fear.
13. I need to return my Slam Dunk books tomorrow but I'm only at Book 14. I wanted to go to bed earlier but after unhurriedly (yet not wasting time) checking my blog and mail and talking to DW and Nat online (thank God for them) I somehow managed to type such a long blog yet again. Unfortunately I think I will go and sleep and wake up 8 or more hours later (while I set an alarm, I do make sure I get around 8 hours of sleep) and finish Slam Dunk tomorrow and return it before doing anything else e.g. study. I won't be borrowing new comics tomorrow because I don't want anything to distract me from my block tests and the immense catching up of work I have to do (I'm postponing my holiday homework to after block tests, and I need to rush my overdue assignments out -by the grace of God I pray for mercy on the part of my teachers that they will not deal with me after my misdeeds). I've been dreaming of Econs, of MCs, of JT, and it isn't pleasant. I need to get my studies sorted out.
14. I'm trying to keep my thoughts from unhappy things and not to injure myself especially the more serious types of injuring. But my blog is really a good outlet for me because it enables me to talk about both good things and bad (and yet not dwell on bad things too much). Thank God for it.
15. My mother has an inflammed rectum which really hurt her today. She looked tired and pained, but she still was brave. I hope she's all right. I hope DW's all right too. He sounds stressed.
16. As I mentioned earlier, I had the inspiration today to do up a paragraph and a poem (and draw accompanying pictures of a girl planting a seed, a drop of water in a ripple, a two-leafed shoot, a fruit tree and a flower. I really loved the hair of the girl and the happy sketches of the plants):
"I've come to the conclusion that I can't just sit here and wait for friends to come knocking 'cos if I don't do something, not only will many friends leave me, my heart will also stray further from those who will stay.
I sowed a seed in a garden fair, waiting for its fruit.
So wondered then I long and hard, why had the seed not grown?
So went I forth with newfound grace to wait upon my seed;
Good night. ^^
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:46 p.m.
kissandtell
1. Do you get cravings for certain types of food, and what for the most frequently?
2. The Hives or The Vines? (these are bands, people!)
3. Do you think Jake Gyllenthaal (Donnie Darko, The Good Girl) is cute?
4. If you had a Buddha would you rub its belly for good luck?
5. If you are in a car and the driver speeds through the yellow light in the middle of the intersection, do you slap the roof and say something?
6. If you were on a plane that was about to crash, would you start to pray (even if it would be your 1st time praying, ever?)?
7. Glitter make-up? Cute and pretty or reminds you too much of disco and ravers?
8. Do you like strong smells like black magic markers, gasoline, wet paint, etc?
9. Do you know who Chococat is?
10. What country/countries are your ancestors from?
11. Have you ever been to Seattle?
I don't know but it's highly probable since I lived in the US for a while and my parents are people who love exploring different places.
12. Joey Ramone or Johnny Rotten?
13. Do you assume that people that wear glasses are somehow more intelligent than those that don't wear glasses?
14. Are you sick of seeing Darwin or Jesus Fish signs on people's cars?
15. Do you wish cell phones would have never been invented?
16. Favorite flavor of Baskin Robbins ice-cream (or any ice cream if you've never had BR?)
17. Peanut butter..crunchy or smooth?
18. Do you like spicy food?
19. Have you ever had a Mango Lassi?
20. If you eat hot dogs, what condiments/toppings do you like on them?
21. Snickers or Butterfingers?
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:07 a.m.
Whiled away time at Kalm's where I indulged in looking at cards, their designs and messages. Then I bought myself a triangular Tuna sushi. Time passed quite fast before DW came. We intended to study together but when I went back to the library I found that someone had (quite rudely) occupied my table. Cleared it and went downstairs for a chicken rice lunch (which was more expensive than I would have liked it to be).
DW and I sat the NE line, like I wanted, but it was a disappointment because I didn't realise that it was underground, and I'd thought that I'd be able to see the sights of the East during the journey. We decided to go to Hougang Mall for dinner and eventually went to Pizza Hut. I tried to finish my food until I was about to puke, but I couldn't. Although we had some problems with paying for the meal (we ordered and realised that we might not have enough cash to pay) thank God between the two of us we managed to squeeze just enough money out to pay the bill. Although I didn't bring my EZlink card out and had to buy a Standard Ticket for the return journey, thank God I had just enough to pay for that, and my bus fare home too. The driver gave me trouble because I paid a Student fare in coins, and made me pay the Adult fare. Thank God I had enough to pay the Adult price, that I live near the MRT station so I don't have to pay a high price for my fare, and that I was able to take a bus home because alternatively I would have to walk home from the previous MRT station, which would be quite a dangerous route.
Although I was upset because of many things, e.g. this morning's delay in getting out of the house (which was later a blessing in a sense since I remembered the library opening hours wrongly and thought it would open earlier than it actually did), people making noise in the library (this person was having a one-to-one Physics tuition with his student and I found myself learning about thermistors instead of suburbanisation before I got so irritated and moved to another table only to find that there was a discussion going on in the next table, and subsequently many other students who didn't seem to be studying in the library but chatting instead), and the fact that I'd missed one bus and one train in the morning and forgotten to bring my EZlink card particularly on this day when I needed it most (I had to pay a lot of cash for my travel by MRT today, not only because I live quite far from Orchard, but also because I took the NE line today as intended), today was a good day and I thank God for it. Being with DW always recharges me, because for that one moment I forget a lot of my problems and just enjoy being with him, and also because when I'm depressed he is a tremendous source of comfort. We had a good discussion today, and I felt a lot better especially because he shared the same sentiments with me on the same issues (for instance, past hurts to both of us remain etched in our memories, though they still hurt me a lot). I don't tell him a lot of things because sometimes I feel I'm being unreasonable (but I need to talk it out and have someone who will not label me as unreasonable, but rather help me to come to terms with certain issues). I don't need to know that I'm unreasonable. Whether I'm unreasonable or not not only doesn't change the fact that certain things hurt me a lot, labelling me unreasonable will, in addition, worsen my existent inferiority complex. It was amazing how much I remember, but I thank God that this clinging on to the past is not entirely bad, I do remember good times and smile because of them.
I'm very tired now, I know DW must be even more exhausted than I am, because not only was he out with me he also had to take care of me, but although I only studied in the morning, I am very -very- thankful for today's outing because although I didn't say it face-to-face it made a difference.
I should go to sleep soon so I'll be able to wake up early and continue studying tomorrow. My opinions on this block test revision fluctuate often, from being very worried because of my low productivity to believing my pace of work will pick up. While I can't say for sure whether my pace of work will pick up because my emotional state has been, and is, at its worst at this period, if I don't remember wrongly I usually don't start -really- studying (full force) until a certain point (I remember it was a Friday but I can't believe I started so late). But I will try again.
I'm under pressure to finish all the 15 rented books of Slam Dunk because I need to return them by this Friday. I think I could ask for an extension because the owners of the shop are really nice people, but I don't feel responsible doing so. I'm on book 13 now.
Thank you Dewey, for giving me a wonderful time today. And thank you God for blessing this day, and for blessing us both.
Good night.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:18 p.m.
Time you rule your life
I THINK it's about time we set some rules down. I mean, without rules, what are we but a bunch of people without rules? And we can't have that. Can we?
FOR GIRLS
FOR GUYS
XXXXXX
This depression has lasted a very long time, with me often taking a detached view at everything including myself. However, on Thursday, I found myself looking at the world strangely. While searching for pictures for my new layout, I would look at a picture of a balloon and think how artificial it was. Pictures of happy, smiling faces, of romantic love, weddings, would show up on the screen and I would feel the usual sadness rise up.
Many times I have labelled depressed people as intellectuals who interpret and perceive things differently. These people think too much, through perhaps no fault of their own they have fallen prey to a condition they cannot get out of. I didn't like labelling myself as someone depressed because that would mean a lack of control, control being something I've always valued. But things just show up that way and I wonder why. Is it because I took too much Lit? (No I'm not asking if it's because of taking too much Lit; I'm asking if it's because I took too much Lit.) Is it because of my compassionate nature, a greater predisposition to humanity? That when I watch Ah Cheng, even seeing an ultimately mercenary evil woman like Helen being set up by Linda and raped by 5 or more foreign men and the mental trauma she experiences later as a result of it is so painful? That I stop watching A Child's Hope because the boy's sobbing made me tear and I don't want to cry in front of my maid?
I try not to question why, because I know that knowledge is vanity and too much knowledge leads one nowhere. I dislike philosophers because they cause imbalance in life. They don't question issues like what we can do to sustain the environment. Instead, they question the meaning of life, choices. What is it to me, your theories of causation? You never found real wisdom. You merely made simple things more difficult. Many problems begin with the mind. Perhaps the happiest people are those who accept what is and don't question why.
I realise I've gotten used to being alone, acting independently. I fear people. I realise that having people around makes me stressed, and having people very close, for instance sharing a table with me, makes me very self-conscious. I become more aware of my breathing. I try not to breathe, I hold my breath, because people have said that I breathe loudly. (I consulted the doctor about this and he insulted my friends and said I breathe fine.) When I went back to study to school the first day and wanted to go for lunch, the 30th were gathered at Tenderfresh and Cosy Corner. My first instinct was to run, and I did. I went to Coffee Bean for lunch instead. The next day I walked to Black Canyon where I could be alone. I get very tensed up when people I know walk by or say hi or call out my name, or if these people are right in front of me walking towards me or whom I'm walking towards though this is better than unexpected greetings because at least I can prepare myself to fake a smile instead of being taken aback and then feeling self-conscious and asking myself how I looked when the person greeted me. Usually I'm deep in thought or just focused on something and shouts throw me off balance. Wednesday was extremely stressful. I studied in school again Thursday but I think I was pushing myself too hard because although I was just studying normally I came to school very early after sleeping very late the night before. By lunchtime I ate my lunch at Black Canyon and went home, trying to sleep on the bus because I wasn't feeling well. I disliked a particular woman for sitting beside me on the bus, particularly when I was taking up more than one seat on purpose because I wanted to sleep.
While I appreciate the greetings of so many people around school, and responding to greetings give me the opportunity to at least try to muster a smile, I do fear people much. Even while opening up to people I can open up to like Haihan and Sean (opening up may not mean sharing problems, it may just mean being able to talk, which is a big deal in my case because often I cannot sustain conversations), I fear the other party will end the conversation and that tenses me up with every single blink of the message window. The irony is that they have to, because I won't.
It is quite obvious that acquaintances and good friends are putting stress on me inevitably, but the sad thing is if these people withdraw out of my life because I'm feeling pained or because of the way I treat them, I will be left with no one. Old friends from Secondary School have drifted away, quite cruelly I feel, but it's my fault for not calling them back and now I'm just resigned.
I feel comfortable with very little people now. I don't talk to DW anymore, trying to pull out of his life. Maybe that's the way relationships should be. Maybe I demanded too much. Maybe I'm giving so much of what I don't need to give. Why am I still giving? I hate myself for doing this layout. I didn't want to because I didn't want my relationship to be made public, even though this is my blog. I feel I've been talking too much about it. I feel cautious because I understand that even though this is my blog there is still a chance that people will judge (after all, they did during my previous accusations, which really hurt a lot, and still hurts) and I know that even though what I say is what I really feel, it is only a one-sided response and people will not be able to empathise with how I feel without being prejudiced against him, if they do empathise, which is not what I want to happen. I stress that this is only my opinion, and even so it is a relatively undisclaimed opinion, since no one opinion, however disclaimed, can be totally disclaimed. No one will fully understand unless they are me, and that is impossible. I personally feel that the keyplayer in this relationship is me, because objectively speaking De Wen is really a very nice person, and anyone who gets into a relationship with him, and thus knows him a little better, will be able to see how nice he is. The problem is, I am very disturbed, which means that both of us have to cope with my depression in addition to our existing day-to-day problems. He tries, but he definitely can't do it alone, which means that in the end whether this relationship is smooth or not depends on me (although of course he could choose to terminate it, then there would be no relationship to speak of). I cannot let go of a lot of grievances and burdens, and given my depression more adds to my burden everyday. Anyone who took just a bit more notice at my blog would realise that something I said before was always true. Problems were never resolved. One key reason why the relationship continued after so many arguments was because I took into account all his problems and tried to change, and left my problems unresolved. The thing that has been hurting me is because he doesn't seem to be changing in terms of attitude. I just don't see it, and I can't blame him because I give him the benefit of the doubt. Much of what troubles me never gets to him and more will never get to him after he blew up that night, because it was the second time he blew up and I won't share anymore. It is that one-sided. I am not discounting him nor his efforts. He gives me genuinely happy times and is a good listening ear (although even this 'good listening ear' part is becoming functionally obsolete i.e. not physically obsolete, it doesn't have to be in bad condition, just that it cannot meet increasing demands). But the reality is that this relationship is crumbling because of him (because I'm having a few problems with him which I don't say) and because of me, because I have problems with myself to start with and it must be an awful strain having to deal with me. Everytime I ask him to do something for me, when his reply sms comes I expect him to say no so I won't get disappointed. When he comes online, I have nothing to chat with him about.
A more serious issue at hand perhaps is the fact that I've lost my will to study. I really have no mood to touch my work, and though normally I would have packed my room, bag and files at the start of the holidays, until today my room is still in a very big mess, with stacks of paper lying around. A major problem is the fact that the Jurong East Community Library is closed for upgrading, because that is very near my house. The school and library@orchard are really too far, and now I don't even dare to study with anyone. I could originally (at the start of the holidays) only study with De Wen but he wasn't free then. Now, I can't study with anyone unless I can display my weakness for parallel and perpendicular lines -this is apparent now in my studying- I didn't even go to the library today. I just couped myself at home. After studying for 45 minutes, I gave up, although I was functioning at high productivity (precisely that).
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:46 p.m.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:34 p.m.
The past 2 nights have seen me watching more tv than I would in a normal week. I've watched a daily repeat telecast of American Idol 2 from about 4.10 to 5, then Bukit Ho Swee (I think) from 5 to 5.30, then a little bit of Wow Wow World, a little bit of Beyond Belief, Ah Cheng from 7 to 8, and I even took out and watched the The Emperor's New Groove vcds which have been there for a long time just that I never watched them. I wanted to watch Star Search and maybe The Amazing Race 4 yesterday but I was having such a good time with Prisca and Natalie online that I couldn't be bothered to excuse myself and go downstairs, even though MSN and ICQ were messing up.
I'm on Book 10 of Slam Dunk, though I stopped at the first few pages yesterday morning because I didn't feel like reading it. My layout has given me headaches for days, because I can't wait to do new layouts, but have no inspiration and am too tired and upset to care. I nearly closed my blog two days ago, actually meddling with the code and trying to think up a nice closing message to no avail. But as usual I have nothing to say. Nevertheless I somehow liked and saved a picture off Nat's blog, wanting to send it to someone, but later I decided to get two new pictures instead, and I did, and created a beautiful picture with those two pictures and some PSP tubes. However, on account of the effort I put in, and because I had no inspiration for my new layout, I decided to entirely abandon the simple draft for my new layout which I really wanted to materialise and use my newly created picture as the title pic instead. However, I was still not satisfied with the title pic because it wasn't perfect enough so I tried effects, even downloaded fonts and installed tubes. My new picture is now near perfection finally but Paint Shop Pro 6, after giving me occasional problems, decided to give me problems again so I am currently unable to finish my image. I have in mind though how my new layout will look. Meanwhile I have also done some surfing for cliques and PSP tutorials, amidst some unwelcome Internet Explorer crashes and messages from a boy whom I've permanently installed on my Hates list and ignored for months.
Does my blog sound depressing? How?
Without further ado, I will drift away to the Friday Five which I've been putting off on purpose because I just don't feel like answering mo liu questions, as Prisca would say, or ANY questions for that matter.
Friday Five June 20, 2003
1. Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Long or short?
2. How has your hair changed over your lifetime?
3. How do your normally wear your hair?
4. If you could change your hair this minute, what would it look like?
5. Ever had a hair disaster? What happened?
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:52 p.m.
I am not going to hell, and your concept of hell is very flawed.
Wow I got a cat! My favourite animal. :D
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:57 p.m.
My name:
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 03:31 p.m.
You shouldn't have done it, you shouldn't have got angry, you shouldn't have blown up at me, you shouldn't have torn me apart, turned me into an unreasonable manipulative selfish bitch when I am not. The worse is, you shouldn't have blamed me for BEING DEPRESSED. Honestly, do you think I like being this way? You don't understand so don't assume ANYTHING.
I CAN QUOTE ALL OF WHAT YOU SAID.
Your apology was helpful, it made me admire you, but I am still angry and upset.
If you think I'm being cruel then I guess I have the ability to be very very cruel then. Because 80% of my cruelty is taken out on myself and hidden from everyone else and you merely judge me based on the 20% of cruelty that I show.
People can't take me. If I don't tell, people never know. If I tell people end up getting angry (except Prisca I guess). I think I'm unreachable.
It's not like I will talk to everyone. Fine, blame me for not sharing.
I don't blame you now. I just blame myself for being so miserable and pathetic.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:45 p.m.
I sit here alone while the whole world is spinning,
Some see the chip of this controlled charade,
A wall set in stone, a language unheard,
Humans, they're trapped in a web in a purse,
Then the wings of the angels will hold up the feet
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:25 p.m.
Have been going downhill since yesterday but officially slipped into depression today.
My mom went for a biopsy yesterday to examine a breast tumour. The results aren't known yet, and we hope it's not cancer. Mom was telling us about the biopsy during dinner: the area had to be numb and she still felt pain as she saw the needle on the screen go three inches (?) deep, the needle made a snapping sound as it drew out her cells, the nurse pressed the gauze to her breast for 10 minutes to stop the bleeding, she later did the pressing herself, she had three holes on her right breast, her arm hurt so much and was so weak that she couldn't move it, she was advised to sleep for 2 hours on returning home from the hospital and was discouraged from doing housework for 24 hours.
It hurt to hear of her pain.
I wasn't in a good mood yesterday, and I couldn't shut out everything that's irritating in my family, everything that I normally just ignore. My father, as usual, provoked my brother by giving him the religious book to read, saying that whoever was last to come downstairs for dinner had to read the book. Then one of them did it. I don't like my father and my brother's reading of the book. My father's too soft, fast and monotonous. My brother doesn't bother to open his mouth and articulate his words clearly and he prays for the sake of praying, hurriedly, short and with no meaning. It's hard to concentrate on the book when the tv's blaring in the background, when people don't seem interested in the reading, when I'm irritated at all these and when I don't think very highly of the quality of the book. I think reading scripture is better than reading an author's thoughts on scripture passages we haven't even read and have no idea about, not to mention an author's thoughts which I don't particularly appreciate. My father does have a lot of good qualities, and he's one person I admire for many reasons, but his one flaw is he irritates and provokes people, and purposely so. My father could have helped himself to the food on the table but he didn't. He held out his bowl and wanted me to take it for him. Normally I would have, but given my mood then I bit, "Why can't you take it yourself?" I think my mom stretched across the table with her right arm (the one that was weak and hurting) to put some fried chicken into his bowl, and it really hurts when she's suffered, she tells everyone about her pain so it's not like we don't know, she doesn't complain further and yet has to serve food to my maid, my father and my brother and I. I don't know whether my brother takes his own food. I do, but my mom passed me some more food later. I was feeling quite uncomfortable and irritated so I said I'd go to the living room and went there to watch tv while I ate. It's not the tv show that's important, though some, possibly all, members of my family go to the living room to watch tv instead of spend time at the dining table with the rest of the family (sometimes we all sit in the living room though), I go to the living room to escape the claustrophobia of the dining room, the pressure of sitting with my family. My father and brother joined me in the living room, I don't know what happened to my mom. My father was flipping channels even though he knows my mom and brother don't like it. I don't like it either, but I never really told anyone. As usual my brother was frustrated. He wanted to watch a certain channel and my dad was toying with him by flipping channels when he knew very well what channel my brother wanted to watch. They started arguing. Normally I don't say anything, just ignore everything that hurts, but I told the two of them to stop arguing. I was obviously frustrated when my mom passed my brother the chicken to pass to me. Then the situation got better when my brother and mom went up to their rooms (I think) and my father and I watched some tv for the sake of watching tv. I was so disgusted by the crude jokes I didn't appreciate them at all and didn't finish my dinner (I think the only thing I took last night was the chicken, the rest was left uneaten in my bowl). I was thankful that my father didn't make me eat my food though. I went upstairs and read Slam Dunk and the Bible before doing the mind and genital injury until the wee hours of morning.
It's been frustrating me that I haven't been studying, and merely read and sleep. I don't even do a lot of reading, but at least I'm on the 7th book of Slam Dunk now. I don't like being couped up at home. I don't like people coming in and out of the room and talking to me. I just want to be left alone, yet I don't want to be left alone with nothing to do. I can't read Slam Dunk the whole day. But I read quite a bit online today, 'quite a bit' for my standard of slow reading. Became more depressed because I read a very depressing blog and an article on suicide. I can refute a lot of what is on that blog though. It makes a lot of difference that Christ has died for me, that someone loved enough to be willing to die for everyone and that by God's grace I have accepted his salvation, forgiveness and cleansing, that no matter how dirty I feel, or how inferior I feel, I was worth enough for someone to sacrifice his life for, to take a punishment for something he did not do wrong, and to endure 'the one forsaken moment where [his] Father turned His face away' and to endure so much rejection from me and the rest of the world. Innocent blood that was shed of a God who became Man, surely it is enough to take away all filth. I have an eternal hope in Christ, and an everlasting promise of a glorious eternal life in heaven. I have a hope of comfort and of forgiveness, of purity and strength. Just thinking about this gives me encouragement. Thank You Lord. 1st John has continued to yield gems. I'm only at Chapter 3, because I sinfully missed two nights of reading. De Wen says Chapter 5 has more gems of assurance.
I was upset today but after De Wen and I exchanged a few sms (in which I was obviously distressed) he unexpectedly invited me out for dinner. I admire him for being able to bear with my weaknesses because when I get depressed like this I'm unable to really do anything nice but just be depressed, be coaxed to eat and talk and be comforted. I wasn't temperamental, I didn't throw tantrums (I dislike it) but I was just there, stoned, apathetic, sad, didn't feel like doing anything. Tried to eat though I ate for the sake of eating and managed to get some food down. De Wen ate some of my food. I'm glad he didn't force me to eat. It helped just to get out of the house, eat something out and just chat with someone I can talk to without any sense of inhibition. I did a few "Oh I...no nothing." today. Sometimes I just don't know what to say. I'm glad he didn't force me to speak. I really appreciated that he left his friends early (he has a Maths day camp and basketball and cards afterwards whole of this week). I didn't know and even said he was late (he was but that was because the bus didn't come for a while). I appreciate even his willingness to have a cake at Coffee Bean and his care in asking that I eat, and later take a bus home instead of walking. We didn't go to Coffee Bean in the end because I didn't feel like eating or drinking. He waited with me for my bus and let me miss a bus because I wanted to tell him something. I was a little morbid today, talking about self-injury then later suicide. It was amazing how fast those dinner hours flew by and I thank him even more for staying out so late with me. Later I thought of how much he's changed or if it was just my perception. Suddenly he seems more perfect, more attractive. He isn't impossible because he has his feelings too, but he shared them, and he took the initiative to be a whole lot nicer, calling and talking on the phone for a long time despite having been given permission to play his Playstation 2 for the first time in a long time and not liking calls because it gives him a dry throat (and I forgot and kept talking to him too), inviting me out to cheer me up. The little bits of information that shows he remembers and knows me ["I know you don't like mayonnaise"]. Suddenly he seems a whole lot happier, more friendly, more charming, more forgiving, volunteering information and listening... Why doesn't he talk about Maths nowadays? Yet he continues to attract me with his biology. I feed on intellectualism. I'm very impressed with his style among his other qualities because I know not everyone has that natural style and charm. If I would dare say so, he's the first and only guy I've met who has such natural style and charm. When I reached home I remembered our past good times, back to the first time we met. I thought of our relationship, how much effort we'd both put in and wondered if any guy could make me love him with pure effort. But I realised the answer was no. I knew he was special right from the start.
I have been feeling very inferior, but tomorrow I will grab my books and go down to school early in the morning to study. I want to start with Human Geography. I will study at the quiet class benches until the people come in, then I will go to the library. If anyone knows me, do me a favour. If you see me before I see you, don't come up to say hi. I really don't want to be disturbed, to be forced to smile. I didn't want to study in the school library because I didn't want to be around people who knew me, but after much deliberation I think I wouldn't want to trouble my father and go to his office to study (I don't want to be around him either, even if he's just driving me to and from his office). I would prefer a library but I can't really find one.
Although I talked to Prisca as usual (somehow I can always talk to Prisca) I was a little cold to Mei, Nat and Joel, which I apologise for (it was my first conversation with Joel so he probably doesn't know though). Just feeling depressed and antisocial. Didn't feel like elaborating on what I wanted to say so I gave one-sentence/one-word remarks and answers.
It's close to 3a.m. now. It's amazing how much time I take to blog huh? Good night.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 01:16 a.m.
My Magic Fairy's Name
Acrophonology
Survey 1
x. name = Esther
last...
x. you want more piercings = No
for or against
favorite...
have you...
what...
number...
"the personality of a libra
Libra the Scales (September 24th - October 23rd)
How to recognise Libra
Librans hate to be rude, yet they'll straighten the crooked picture on your wall and snap off your blaring TV set. Librans love people, but they hate large crowds. Like gentle doves of peace, they go around mediating and patching up quarrels between others; still they enjoy a good argument themselves. They're good-natured and pleasant, but they can be also sulky, and they balk at taking orders. Librans are extremely intelligent. At the same time, they're incredibly naive and gullible. Librans are restless people. But they seldom rush or hurry.
Libran features are almost always even and well balanced. They're pleasing, but not very noticable, so it's easier to start with the dimples. ...... It (the Libran face) will always wear a markedly pleasant expression. Even when the Libran is angry, somehow he or she will manage to look mild, or at the very least, neutral. ...... The mouth is usually bow-shaped, and the lips would have been described in Gibson girl days as 'lips like cherry wine'. In fact, the typical Libra face reminds you of nothing so much as a box of bonbons. Or a sugar biscuit. Some of them look like human lollipops, or a caramel sundae topped with rich, whipped cream. They like to eat those things, too, and if any Librans are reading this, they're probably weak with hunger by now.
The women are almost invariably pretty, and the men are usually handsome. ...... You'll never meet a Libran who doesn't have a smile like a soft, white cloud. That Venus smile could melt a chocolate bar at twenty paces. ...... a bright, liting laugh, that rings with merriment.
They seek harmony. Yet, lots of Librans indulge in excessive eating, drinking or love-making, completely upsetting the cookie cart,not to mention throwing harmony out of kilter.
For days, weeks or months on end, Librans can be too busy to play. They'll burn gallons of midnight oil, then rise and shine in time to hear the rooster crow. ...... Once they've plopped, you won't catch them moving a muscle if they can help it.
They can weep with overflowing senmtiment, turn sharply sarcastic, then be as bright and cheerful as the robin in spring. ...... An instinct for sanity keeps most Librans mentally healthy and physically fit. ...... The biggest threat to their health is overindulgence of some kind.
Nothing is more painful to watch than a doubtful Libran trying to make up his mind why, wherefore, and whether to. He doesn't like to huried or pushed while he's deciding either. ...... Impatience is one quality most Librans can't stand [true!]
Very few Librans are markedly eccentric or show-offs. ...... Most Librans have a fantastic ability to concentrate and to ponder deep subjects. They are born with an affection for books ...... You're almost sure to find an extensive library in every Libran home.
They love the harmony of sounds, colours, poetry, and the proper use of words, both written and spoken."
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:59 p.m.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:20 p.m.
V v tired...getting quite frustrated with myself.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:09 p.m.
1. Name: Chin Ying Wei Esther
GUYS - FOR GIRLS TO FILL OUT
8. Underwear or boxers: Briefs look more comfortable. Blue briefs are ideal
ON GIRLS - FOR GUYS TO FILL OUT
17. Regular underwear or thong: Regular
FOR EVERYONE
39. Chocolate milk or plain milk?: I don't drink milk, but if I had to, I would take chocolate milk
Friday Five June 13, 2003
1. What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have?
2. When someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest?
3. Have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn't? What happened?
4. If you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why?
5. What's one talent/skill you don't have but always wanted?
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 07:06 p.m.
Friday wasn't that bad. Was kinda disappointed at my GP grade (30/50) but my teacher and I went through my work together so I hope for an improvement. GP comprehension due Tuesday. Should get down to doing it soon. Owe 1 Geog essay (due last Friday) and my Lit essay (due one month ago).
Econs was surprisingly good. After one day of rest, I felt significantly better. Although I stayed up until 0030 and woke up at 0610 (which meant that I didn't get enough sleep), I managed to finish the notes of Perfect Competition and Monopoly Part 1 and 2 (I read awfully slowly but realised in class how much I benefitted from the notes) and with a bit more time before school and during breaks, managed to complete the 7 essay plans assigned, enjoying the work too. The 2.5h lesson did not crawl by, but after such a long lesson (without breaks) I felt proud at the effort.
Thank God I found my way to Ginza Plaza and home despite only having been brought there once. Doubted along the way and had a few problems but it was a relatively smooth journey nonetheless. I should have no problems in future. Paid the $30 membership which entitles me to $33 worth of borrowing. Thank God value can be added to the card; I'd thought that on finishing the $30 value in the card, I would have to fork out another $30 lump sum for a new card. Borrowed Slam Dunk 1-15 (Simplified Chinese Version) for 2 weeks. Thought I'd finish reading the entire series (31 books) in one weekend originally but I realised that was too ambitious for a newcomer to Chinese manga like me, not to mention a newcomer who deliberately reads all forms of literature slowly to enjoy its entire essence. At present I've only finished books 1 and 2, thus clocking an average of one book a day. Slam Dunk is pretty enjoyable.
On Friday night, I was troubled once again by thoughts of salvation (or the lack thereof) as I have been since Primary School. But that night I prayed to God, pouring out my honest thoughts to Him. Then I asked Jesus to be my Saviour and Lord if he hadn't already. Felt a lot better after that. Been reading the Bible for two nights since and praying as I have been for days for the people around me, namely my family, De Wen, Xin Yi, Christine, Prisca, Alanna, Chooi Mei, Wen Bing, Nat, Ge, and other people I can think of. It's amazing how I was just flipping through the Bible when I somehow decided to read 1st John. The wonder of it is that on reading 1st John, I realised it contains gems about the assurance of salvation.
1 John 1:7 - "But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin."
1 John 2:23-29 - "Whosoever denieth the Son, the same hath not the Father: [but] he that acknowledgeth the Son hath the Father also. Let that therefore abide in you, which ye have heard from the beginning. If that which ye have heard from the beginning shall remain in you, ye also shall continue in the Son, and in the Father. And this is the promise that he hath promised us, even eternal life. These things have I written unto you concerning them that seduce you. But the anointing which ye have received of him abideth in you, and ye need not that any man teach you: but as the same anointing teacheth you of all things, and is truth, and is no lie, and even as it hath taught you, ye shall abide in him. And now, little children, abide in him; that, when he shall appear, we may have confidence, and not be ashamed before him at his coming. If ye know that he is righteous, ye know that every one that doeth righteousness is born of him."
What affirmation, clarity, and comfort!
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:15 p.m.
SiLk StOcKiNgS
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:35 p.m.
Typing this now 'cos suddenly I don't really feel well and think I should take a short break off reading blogs (short as in a few minutes or hours).
I didn't go to school today. Was supposed to have Econs 8-10.30a.m., Maths 11a.m.-12.30p.m., Lit 1-3p.m. but decided to skip today.
I'm really angry, to tell you the truth. I'm really angry that I have to come back to school every day from morning to afternoon for lessons. Every day of the week from the first Monday when the holidays started to next Tuesday. I am quite upset because not only do I have to attend compulsory lessons I have to prepare for lessons beforehand and how on earth am I expected to do Maths when Day 1 it's Integration, Day 2 Trigo, Day 3 Complex Numbers? It's very frustrating and very demoralising for me. I can't stay up so late. Sleeping at 9 and waking up at 7 gives me the energy to attend the lessons. If I slept any later I'd be dying in class like many of my classmates, and I won't have the mood to pay attention and jot down notes, or to be a happy person in class. I am not exactly free either. I do want time to myself to read blogs as well as blog (this past week hasn't been an easy one for me), to spend time with my family, and to pursue other things like practising my piano and violin, and going for violin lesson (violin lessons are twice a week now that the exam is coming up).
I shouldn't be talking about fairness, but it's very frustrating when I know that my friends don't have extra lessons, and my class seems to be the only class having lessons. It's not like I'm in any special group either, I don't take 'S' papers and I don't have any remedial classes on. Everything is make-up lesson for MY class. The Lit lessons on Plath and Much Ado About Nothing aren't even going to contribute to the block test and frankly I really don't have the time to do everything for As now. A substantial portion of the syllabus is already being tested for block test and with 1 week of holidays gone because of the SARS break, and more than ANOTHER week taken up by holiday lessons, how on EARTH do you expect me to do well in my block tests without losing my SANITY?
I just got very frustrated this morning because I woke up at 3+ a.m. to do my Econs. Just for today, we had to read the notes and study for a diagrams test on Market Structures (Perfect Competition and Monopoly) and do 3 essay outlines. Just studying that was horrific, and after a while I really got too tired. Couldn't concentrate. I knew even if I managed to finish my work by staying up, I wouldn't be in the mood for school, and it wouldn't change the fact that my Complex No.s tutorial wouldn't be done. Again. I got angry at JT 'cos only her classes (she teaches 2 classes in the entire school and one of them is my class) seem to be doing revision. While I appreciate her efforts (they really help a lot and she gives essay plans etc. which are really useful) I'm under a lot of stress that is either induced by her or by myself as a result of her influence, or my perception of her influence. I wasn't sick, but I'm going to have to go against my conscience to get an MC so she won't scream at me. Even getting an MC won't change the fact that there's a 0 on my attendance sheet and she'll scream at me AGAIN for giving BAD ATTENDANCE.
You know the reason I am under so much pressure to do well etc.? I work hard for my own conscience and confidence, but one of the reasons is also I really want teachers to just LEAVE ME ALONE. I feel I am the kind of student who will be able to cope with minimum pressure. Give me the materials. Give me the work. I will do and I will do it well. I won't do work for show. I will do good work. But I need time and less pressure (pressure in the right areas, let's put it this way, not pressure that will FORCE me to do certain things that are really not helpful).
Fine, I'm not working hard enough. I know. It's not that I don't want to. I just need to figure out my own way of getting about things ok?
Think I'll go copy out Othello notes now (so I can return Ailin her book asap), then maybe do Econs. Hope I can go to the polyclinic (for a $4 MC). I wanted to do Maths but I have to do Econs 'cos tomorrow there's Econs AGAIN from 10.30a.m. to 1p.m. (GP from 8-10a.m.) and on Tuesday there's Econs from 8a.m. to 1p.m.. This kind of long stretches really don't help, you know. De Wen told me about his History camp kinda thing and yesterday Xin Yi and I were talking about our Maths day camp, the one we had in Nanyang where we had long periods of lessons with suitable breaks. It DOESN'T WORK. It doesn't it doesn't it doesn't. It really doesn't. I don't want to waste my time on school-induced 'BREAKS' when I have other things to do. :(
I do sound like a whiner on my blog, don't I? -cries-
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:22 a.m.
Things are ok between De Wen and me now, thanks to God and thanks to him. That day, he took me out for a movie, spoke words of comfort and maturity with impressive style, listened and shared, and showered me with pats, rubs and kisses. Then you sent me home with a kiss on the cheek, a touch on the arm, a goodbye smile and wave and a brand new expensive Michael Card scorebook which you spent 2/3 of your aunt's gift on even though I offered to pay. I couldn't believe I was being cared for so much and felt so ugly and unworthy. I could scarcely trust the perfection and ideal nature of it. I was still in the middle of my depression, and behaving depressed, though it was an internal depression and not a sadness/anger targeted elsewhere. However, through him and through that afternoon, I saw God's goodness and went back to prayer and sought the Lord again.
(You made me love you all over again, and more so. Somehow yesterday, nothing seemed to matter but enjoying being with you. I was happy, and even today thinking of yesterday's events put a smile on my face.)
Steph took me to a comics place at Ginza Plaza. I am considering paying $30 for a membership card and borrowing Slam Dunk ($1.20 per book if I want to rent it home). The Chinese version looks appealing, and it's not as difficult as I thought. Ginza Plaza is only a few minutes' bus ride from my house and I have 3 buses going there. It is the holidays and I have block tests coming up after but I do want to spend a weekend or so reading the entire Slam Dunk series (I hope). It is something I really want to do.
"If I'm the cause of your depression, I can take your sadness away." "There are some things in life you can do for eternity, but there are some things you can't e.g. saving souls." I admire you, Soh De Wen, for your spirituality, your maturity, your intellectualism and wit, your perception, your love, your style, your ability to admit your mistakes (this is what I do not possess), make things right, and control me. I'm impressed.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:30 p.m.
I'm going to sleep now.
Just feel so depressed. Looked at the title image of my blog, realised I was going to send the image together with the macrosonnet to the 29th but forgot. Probably wouldn't send it. Don't want to bring attention to myself. I feel so extra, it took a colossal effort to just bring myself to give the macrosonnet to the 29th in the first place. Felt it was either amateur, inaccurate or offensive, though I did my best. The 29th are really very nice people, but like in every place I go to, I always feel extra. Think it's 'cos I just don't fit in anywhere. I may say hello and all but ultimately it's a psychological thing. Think people are willing to accept me but I'm not willing to accept myself. I keep thinking I'm worse than everyone else, and when I'm proud of something I fear people may think I think I'm smart when I'm not.
Talked to Wenwei online today. Friend from NY. I wonder how I met her 'cos she wasn't in the same class nor the same CCA. Funny how I know a lot of people, like DW for instance, though they have no common starting ground with me (the reason why I like Michael Card, why I play the piano so much, why I watch certain shows like Liar, Liar on tv, why I read Slam Dunk, even why I keep long hair are actually due to his influence). The nice girl messaged me about my MSN nickname (Crying, but I get used to it), directing me to a song (One Last Cry by Brian McKnight). I was being very difficult, gave quite stoned answers. (E.g. WW: "Do you know your name means a bright and twinkling star?" Me: "It means star.") What struck me though was she asked me to remember how cheery I was when I was in NY. Got me thinking 'cos I already had problems in NY just that they weren't as serious. Being antisocial, feeling inferior...
And guess what? Now my mood is 180 degrees turned 'cos you apologized. Guess I had to spill it out over sms...was too cowardly to talk, told you that if I went for tomorrow's talk I'd just let you talk and bury my head into the table. I don't want to talk, that's the truth.
But I thought it was over. Apparently it isn't. Thank God.
THANK YOU GOD!!!
The future isn't sure. But I need to go to sleep now because my head's splitting from a week of emotional stress.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:35 p.m.
Out of the prose, play, a comparison of two poems, and a single poem, I chose to do the comparison and the poem (i.e. Question 3 and 4). Question 3 was good. I made more effort to be succinct and concise. I thought I did a good job though I wrote only 3 pages, because I managed to see a big picture and give an additional religious interpretation. I only wrote 2 pages for Question 4 but I managed to finish commenting on the poem. Thank you God for blessing me.
Later I talked to Ms. Heng about my Rossetti essay, then went to Black Canyon Coffee for lunch and completed the last 4 lines of the last sonnet. In addition to my Student Value Meal -Fish and Chips with coke-, I also had a Mocha Chips Premium Ice Cream for $2 - double scoop mocha ice cream with cinnamon-sprinkled whip cream, cold fudge and a bar of chocolate wafer.
Feeling rather sad now. Even last night's anger on DW was half-hearted. Somehow now I want to let go. It's the idea that I try so hard and give so much and blame myself so much and at the end of it you blame me for taking away so many things from you and make such hurting accusations at me to my friends. "I'm tired of this relationship", "Being with Esther tires me out a lot". That hurts a lot, you know, especially when I try so hard to be the best I can and you put all the blame on me. In addition to the fact that I have to deal with many of my problems and you aren't even there to help.
I thought of how I could change, but I felt that you could have empathised with me more, and some of the reasons you gave for not doing things were really not valid. I hate the way you're justifying your actions now like you're in the absolute right. Like I'm at total fault. We shouldn't be pointing fingers here but I honestly feel like I'm the only one who's trying to initiate and fix things up and you're just blaming me for all your hurt instead of considering my point of view. The problems of the last argument recurred because you didn't change. You knew what I wanted but you didn't give it to me. To you I'm a petty, unreasonable, demanding, overprotective and possessive person.
But at the same time I recognised that you were the best guy I've ever known and if you aren't good enough, then no one is.
Sometimes I feel like screaming and crying and just letting go.
I don't think I'll manage to finish the cross-stitch I did for you by tomorrow. But I will try to finish it tonight. Tomorrow I will give you the blue hankerchief with the baby Mickey Mouse on it which I saw at Isetan on Saturday, and the sweet I got today from Ms. Heng's tin that was passed around after the PC paper.
You didn't ask about my PC paper until I told you I just finished it. I bet you wouldn't know that I had my PC block test today if I didn't tell you. I bet right now you don't know anything about my holiday schedule, or all the homework that I have. But I can't blame you because I don't know anything about you either. And you didn't tell me. And I hate telling you 'cos it means I'm initiating something again.
I'm going to post the 3 poems tested today. Of course I could write a critical appreciation of them. They're all about love.
Song by Thomas Lovell Beddoes (1803 - 1849)
How many times do I love thee, dear?
How many times do I love again?
An untitled sonnet by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806 - 1861)
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
Marrysong by Dennis Scott (1939 - 1991)
He never learned her, quite. Year after year
This last poem got some people riled up because it was so chauvinistic. I liked it the most though, because it was so true.
I wonder why you say things like you will not break up with me because you don't know what I will do without this relationship. Maybe you really were more important to me than I was to you. I don't know. Sometimes your actions really contradict each other to my disadvantage, I don't even want to talk about her1 and her2...and that day, I let you go but you didn't want to go, and now it's my fault that you didn't go? And you needn't blame her3 for telling on you either, she didn't want to, and you shouldn't even have spoken behind my back and not wanted it to be told in the first place. If I shared something with my friends, it was probably because it was too painful for me to keep it in, and I couldn't tell you, but I wouldn't have minded if they told you because you had to know anyway. It's about respect.
Maybe I'm saying things that are offensive now but I tried to tone things down already yet being true to myself. I hope people won't interpret anything out of anything because most likely no one understands what is going on. I'm not putting down your character, I just think you're very insensitive (at the moment, and for quite a while). It really does seem like you're getting tired of me. If so, give me up. I will apologize for what I did wrong but sometimes the other party needs to shoulder some responsibility too.
I know I shouldn't have blown up at you over sms. I wasn't even really angry. I just made myself angry. Because I felt I was unfairly treated. I always felt unfairly treated, but it was the last straw when you just said all those hurting things.
I already deleted a lot of this post. You haven't even smsed me about tomorrow. I don't know what you are up to.
So you're just attributing everything to differing priorities and problems? Remember I said before this relationship won't fall because of so many things, but one. It was always a problem right from the start. Not enough communication.
I prayed today. I prayed that you may be happy.
From Nat's blog:
Hold Me Savage Garden
Hey,
chorus
Hey
chorus
Do you remember not long ago?
Hey,
chorus
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:03 p.m.
It will be over.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:57 p.m.
2 Sundays before our Stepping Down, on the 18th of May, I was sitting in church when inspiration struck and I wrote a rough outline of a macrosonnet. A sonnet is a poem of 14 lines, 10 syllables each line, and it is divided into two parts - the first 8 lines forming an octave (two four-line quatrains) and the next 6 the sestet. I decided to use an abbaabbacdeedc rhyme scheme indicated by the indentation.
The following is a sonnet of sonnets, i.e. 14 sonnets broken up into two parts (the first 8 and the last 6). I attempted to record everything I could remember about council. In doing so though, I chose to dwell more on the tangible details, believing that what is intangible (e.g. emotions) will be evoked on reading what is tangible and that different people feel differently towards different things. I realised I was treading on sensitive ground here; my inferiority complex struck me again as I felt unworthy to adequately put an entire term's worth of blood, sweat and tears into writing. But I wrote and rewrote, nit-picked possible places which could be misinterpreted, and did my best. I hope this macrosonnet will be of some use to you.
Thanks to the people who answered all my questions so I could accurately record everything down. It was important to me.
Thank you, 29th, for everything and all the best for the future.
Love,
Esther
To The 29th - A Sonnet of Sonnets
1. Investiture (Invest) - One Vision, One Future
Back to start before anything happened,
2. Teachers' Day (TD) - Rainbow Connection
Our first working event was Teachers' Day,
3. Mid-Autumn Festival (MAF) -
Eight hundred lanterns, a coloured cascade,
4. Open House (OH) - Perspectives
Was it successful, event number three?
5. Senior Promenade (Prom) - Una Noche
Two years of memories in a Shangri-La,
6. Orientation (O1) - Tsunami
Ride the big wave, walk the tsunami's face,
7. Chinese New Year (CNY) - Chun Feng Yang Yi
A weekend's break only, then another drive,
8. Elections (Eleco) - Soar
It's near the end now, the new ones are born.
9. The Executive Committee (Exco)
Not just the events, but year-long charade,
10. The CCA Committee (Ecaco)
Visible vibrancy is much needed,
11. The Publications Committee (Pubco)
A figure of eight is fortune's delight -
12. The Social and Relations Committee (Snr)
Five elections, each a talent to tend,
13. The Welfare Committee (Welco)
Balanced eleven, love made visible,
14. Stepping Down
We are toys, waiting for the midnight stroke.
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