PSYCHOTIC PERSPECTIVES

Just came back from watching the ending part of the World Cup. Well, Brazil won! Bet a lot of people will be happy about that. I'm satisfied with the quality of the match. 'Twas great seeing the happiness of the people too. Still, as the commentator put forth correctly, although the camera mostly filmed the happiness of the Brazilians, they forgot that another country was in 'misery'.

World Cup took my mind off problems. It's to do with a few people in council. I can understand certain rationale behind certain things they do but still, their insensitivity bugs me. Well, people have been telling me guys are insensitive (at least more than one person tells me that). Guess they are? Guess people are in general? I don't know.

Anyway I'm talking to a few people now online. Feel a lot better especially talking with people like jie (thanks jie).

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, June 30, 2002 10:02 p.m.

Went to sleep last night feeling really exhausted and sick. Woke up this morning to an sms from Yexiang, a reminder to post the minutes of yesterday's informal today. Somehow I just got irritated, even though I managed a civil reply back telling him I would get it done asap. I mean, do you think I'd forget so easily that I have to type out the minutes? I'm a responsible person! Besides, I'm sick and tired. And I was already irritated with him yesterday. Not good to get me too irritated because you never know when one thing you say might just provoke me to put you on my enemy list and never forgive you. It'll take a while to forgive too. I just forgave someone in my committee (that person never even knew I was angry with him/her because often I just need to sort my feelings out and I can hide my feelings pretty well) and now I'm angry at another one. I think it will be some time before I can forgive Yexiang.

Today was generally a great day. Went to church in the morning. Listened to a thought-provoking sermon and attended the Adult Sunday School instead of the Seniors' class because I was needed to play the piano. I was more than happy to attend the Adults' class because my father will be the speaker of a new series which will span one year from now and I greatly admire my father as a speaker. His sermons are good in terms of content, organization and originality.

Decided to practise the piano last night. It was a good decision because this morning I woke up feeling really tired (almost not wanting to go to the first service). I ran through the pieces a few more times and headed in my father's car to church. Coincidentally, he would be the chairperson for the first service as well. Again, he is a good chairperson, in terms of prayers and songs chosen. Along the way, my father was telling me about a dinner he attended yesterday, some reunion dinner with his classmates at RI when he was 17. Now he's 47. It was intriguing. The first few years of your life are usually standard. You go to school, and for my father it was 6 years of life in the same school with his classmates. After 30 years though, you realise people have gone their separate ways. The top scholar, the usual ace-all-subjects person, President's Scholar, has succeeded. He's now a minister, Mr. Lim Hng Kiang. There's also a Permanent Secretary amidst the group. Others have also done well, some become CEOs. Others have lost jobs but are trying to find new ones. Some went overseas to study. Some live overseas now but came back specifically for this gathering (WOW!). Some have not done well at all and not turned up for the gathering. 5 or 6 have sadly passed away. Some girls (there were a handful of girls at RI last time) have become housewives.

I really appreciated my dad sharing stuff like that with me. Really made me think. Will my friends and classmates now still be in touch with me 30 years from now? What will be in store for us in the future?

The service was cool. I really enjoyed the songs and was furiously taking down notes throughout the sermon. I think taking down notes really helps you to concentrate on the sermon (despite my tiredness) and it helps you gain as much knowledge from the sermon as possible. Also, sometimes the speaker gives references to different verses that he has no time to go through in the service. I realise that you can benefit a lot if you actually take the time to write down notes accompanied by your thoughts and feelings (yes, I think a lot and relate certain things the speaker says to myself) and go home and read through your notes, look up the references and write up an article on it. The sermon made me think what I was doing for God. Perhaps in one of my talents, blogging, I should include more Christian material. Hence, I will endeavour to actually read through my notes, dissect everything and blog about the sermon. May I have the discipline.

I will also try to talk about the Sunday School message in more detail in another entry. The piano-playing was great, even if my right leg (the one on the pedal) kept vibrating out of nervousness. Thankfully my hands and fingers were able to play the song relatively smoothly without much effort. I did make a few mistakes but they were quite minor slips, I feel. I could have done better at expression though. Perhaps out of nervousness, I could have brought the melody out better. Still, the song went ok and I'm thankful to God for helping me in this. When I smsed De Wen today, I forgot to give the glory to God, conveniently forgetting that I had been praying that I would play well for his glory, mainly because it was awkward for me to give this glory to God after success. May I learn to be less self-centred and less focused on MY talents but rather on the talents that GOD has given me.

It seemed like I was on a spiritual high. Perhaps God is trying to draw me back to him. For years I've been backsliding, but recently I feel compelled to go to LTF week after week despite my tiredness. I felt like going to Youth Choir again today, despite my usual resolve to stay away from things once I've quit them. Recently I've been singing more too and playing more piano. Unfortunately, I had already agreed to go out with Xin Yi today and she was on the way (I called her to see if we could postpone the meeting time but for once she was early) so I think I shall see if next week gets busier and perhaps try to squeeze in some time for Youth Choir.

The outing with Xin Yi was wonderful. I think Xin Yi has the amazing talent of being funny and intellectual so we get a really balanced girls-only, close-friends outing. We wanted to go to Sake Sushi to eat (she has really expensive taste) but it was closed and quite expensive and I'd only got $20 with me, so we decided to eat at Coffee Bean instead. I ordered Turkey and Cheese Panini Sandwich and the usual small Ultimate Ice-Blended (Mocha) while she ordered Chicken Pita Sandwich with no salad dressing and the same drink. I tried some of her Pita and think it's great. The next time I'll eat a Pita instead. She said she preferred mine. Guess the grass is always greener on the other side huh? I ate a Mos Burger Double Fudge cookie before lunch and gave her some to try but she said it wasn't as nice as Famous Amos. Hmm...why do my friends think so? Good for me though, at least it's half the price of a Famous Amos cookie and twice as delicious, even if I'm the only one who thinks so. Mmm...chocolate. After our lunch, we went to the Japanese supermarket. It's really a different place, and I feel like I'm in Japan, with the Japanese customers around me and Japanese-speaking staff. Xin Yi could pass off for a Japanese...she's so fair. We enjoyed some samples of chocolate, and there was this liquor-filled one, which had so much liquor we had enough of it even if we tried only 1/4 of the usual chocolate piece. We ate pieces of watermelon too (costing 50 cents) to quench our thirst and Xin Yi wanted to buy this $4 small bottle of yogurt milk but was dissuaded because it makes sense to buy a bigger $5 Ultimate Ice-Blended (Mocha) instead of wasting that money on something so small.

We watched The Sum Of All Fears. It was showing at 1p.m. at Cathay Cineplex but we were late and didn't want to miss even a minute of the show so we went to Lido for the 1.30p.m. show. The movie was a war movie, but unlike the usual one, it was more behind-the-scenes, more of military strategy and politics than actual battlefield actions. Action-packed and full of mind-work, it kept us glued to the screen for its entire 2 hours. Ben Affleck looked gorgeous in that (oops...am I supposed to be looking at guys?) and so did the person who acted as the US President; even if the latter was white-haired and wrinkled, there was an air of wisdom and presence and a well-featured face. I enjoyed the effects and the good direction. I wonder how they actually film all the dust rising and blowing a helicopter, imitating a nuclear explosion. I especially liked the scene (albeit minor) of the American flag fading into the darkness, which to me symbolised that something bad was threatening to happen. It's a pity in such movies, someone has to die, mainly the sidekick. The movie theatre was full and initially we were worried that we would have a bad time craning our necks to see the screen since we were in the 4th row, and we were also wondering if we'd gone into the wrong movie because everyone around us was grown up but we really got into the movie and enjoyed the intellectual aspect of it. Morgan Freeman is quite a great actor. Jack Ryan (Ben Affleck's character) is a nice name. And if you haven't watched The Sum Of All Fears, go watch it! It hasn't premiered in Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand and some other countries yet though.

One thing I learn, you don't enjoy a movie fully if you have a full bladder. Early on in the movie, I had a tremendous urge to go to the toilet but I decided to hold it in until the movie ended, so my abdomen was hurting and I just rushed to the toilet. Boy, I think this is one of the longest times I've held this full a bladder, and I was feeling so sick, so bad. I managed to finish my Medium coke though just after my toilet visit. Still, you can get a bladder infection from holding your bladder and even after you've relieved yourself you can still be dazed and incapable of full thought. Couldn't help thinking of the times when I held my bladder going out with De Wen just so we could talk more and feeling uneasy about it all. Health problems are not to be joked about and not to be played with.

Xin Yi and I went to Heeren where I got some postcards (quite a funny thing because I was so mad about postcards I went everywhere collecting). Managed to get quite a lot of postcards from Heeren and just outside Lido. After that, we had to go home because Xin Yi was expected for dinner with her family at JP (sushi...mmm...-envious-). Before going home we went to Popular at the MRT station to take a look at some scrunchies. I would have bought one but I didn't have enough money (still owe Xin Yi $3.50 so you can imagine how much we spent today). Xin Yi didn't find any of them attractive enough though. Hmm...It was cool seeing her tie up her hair today. I think tied up hair (and long hair) makes one's hair look a lot better, at least in the case of both of us. Was thinking of cutting my hair recently but I think I will keep my hair a lot longer (maybe until Chooi Mei's length?) so I'll have a long ponytail.

You bet I was thinking about a lot of things today, as well as a lot of people. Now I'm still thinking about a lot of people. Wonder how I'll survive in a world without people. Reminds me of the quote "The world must be peopled" taken from Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing. Perhaps now my blog is much ado about nothing? I don't think I'll watch the World Cup (maybe the end?). Got other things to do.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, June 30, 2002 07:43 p.m.

Forgot to mention these few things:

(a) My dad bought me this Hello Kitty handphone accessory! Kawaii~ :) Have returned my mother the Miffy one. This Hello Kitty handphone accessory not only looks cute, it also lights up when there's radiation going on i.e. when the handphone is sending/receiving a message. Wish I could have received it from my father personally but yesterday when I came home my father was already asleep.

(b) I watched a little of the World Cup between Turkey and South Korea today during dinner (yes, if you thought I was going to watch tv again you thought wrong! I still have no time). Bingz, I didn't see the shuai player you were talking about but I did like the Indian referee who was smiling away throughout the entire match. Fetish for dark-skinned people now? -shy grin as she watches someone blend into his black Spiderman jacket- A smile makes a difference.

(c) Will probably not watch the World Cup finals. No time and lack of interest besides. I support Brazil though. Asked my brother a lot of questions about football during dinner. He's more into wrestling though. I wonder why. Just showed me this whole drawer of wasted collectable cards (because they're non-rare and he has so many of the same one) a few nights' ago. Where does he get the money from?!

My mother actually bought Long John Silver's for me. We would have gone out to dinner (and she waited for me to come back home) but I was really tired and didn't want to go out so she let me stay at home and bought dinner for the rest of the family. Told her to buy Value Combo 3 because it was one of the more expensive meals and the only meal I ever eat at LJS is Value Combo 1 add Cole Slaw because it's one of the cheapest. The rare fish, chicken and fries combo was enjoyable indeed and my mother was surprised that I finished my food. Well, when I say I'm an LJS fan, believe me! Haha~

Will sleep now. So tired...zzz... Will go and drink my Grass Jelly now (just remembered my mom telling me about it) and practise my hymn tomorrow. Too tired.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Saturday, June 29, 2002 09:53 p.m.

Been thinking about a lot of things recently.

Yesterday was a pretty cool day. Went out with Chooi Mei. Watched Scooby-Doo the movie and ate at Mos Burger before going for a long walk in Heeren and all the way to City Hall MRT station sort of like we did the other time only via a slightly different route. It's good that Chooi Mei can navigate pretty well and find her way because I have no clue and all I'm doing is following her. She was telling me the story of Dark Waters and getting me a little freaked out but now that I think back it's not so scary after all. I guess it's knowing that you'll get scared and having all the movie effects that creates such an atmosphere. Perhaps it's all in the mind. Anyway I realise that I've been eating faster judging from comparison to other people. For some reason even when I'm leisurely eating I'm WAY faster than others (as in, they haven't even completed half their meal before I finish). We met De Wen along the way, which means I met him twice quite by chance on one day! Cool. We just stared at each other and went "Wow" because I was too surprised to do anything. And for some reason I was reminded never to go into an affair because he pops up in a lot of weird places when I'm least expecting it. Reminds me also of the sad occasion after the Maths paper when he appeared when I didn't want him to.

Reached home really late last night but I still logged online until about 1-plus in the morning. Busy joining cliques.

Today started off pretty ok. I was in a good mood and I tried to cheer everyone else (who was tired) up. We had a short Listening Comprehension paper (0750 to 0830) followed by a long break because I was in the second shift for oral. Stephanie asked everyone to go to McDonalds and I did think they were going to McDonalds but somehow everyone just disappeared so I found myself going out with Serene Ho, Pei Zhen and Shu Hua. I don't usually hang out with them but it was a fun outing. We went to Burger King to eat (thankfully because I was really hungry) and I ordered a very nice turkey burger set. Proof of my indecisiveness: I changed my choices twice. Enjoyed the laughter. I realise that I don't talk much when with people I don't know very well but I do enjoy listening. Mainly listened to the conversation, laughed at the funny bits, and asked questions. Found out a lot more about my friends. I realise even though I claim I see things I don't see things sometimes, or perhaps most of the time.

Wanted to go to Robinson's because as Shu Hua says it's sad just going to Orchard for a meal. Unfortunately Robinson's was closed so we walked around and caught a bus back to school just in time for the Oral. Was quite appalled at my standard of Chinese. Even though I can read reasonably good Chinese, my passage reading was quite halting when I actually got to it, surprisingly, and I couldn't quite convey what I wanted to say about the Primary 4 streaming system in Chinese. Besides, the teacher was conversing with me and telling me about his view and I was disagreeing. Mistake? Happily I was the first one to go for Oral though so I ended extremely early and made it for PubCo informal. Got to write a nice descriptive and abstract paragraph during the wait for our DARKLORD. PubCo informal was not very successfully carried out. Besides half the committee members not being there, and a few without valid reasons, there was also a lot of digression. Even Yexiang was roped in to talk about Chemistry and I didn't really bother pulling everyone back to the meeting proper because I wasn't really interested and continued instead on my writing. We did manage to get all items on Yexiang's agenda done though. Aspironews is suitably planned out, with quite a few fun new ideas, and a photography course has been found. I need to do the minutes for today's informal soon though, get someone to do up an article for Aspironews on the recent Geography field trip, and help in finding a photography course. I feel guilty because I was supposed to find a photography course but after a while of finding and even calling up people I forgot about the job and I even lost the original paper which I wrote all the details of the two courses I found. The fact that some members of the committee didn't know there was a meeting until this morning also caused me to feel a lot of guilt and disappointment with myself because although my handphone indicated that Yexiang's sms was sent at 8p.m., I only read it (note: not received it, read it) at 10p.m. so some people (including Yexiang) had their handphones off already. This was one of the causes for my serious depression today, but on thinking more about it, I think it was partly Yexiang's fault for sending me an sms at 8p.m., which left me 2 hours to inform everyone. Besides, I didn't reply his sms (normally I send him a copy of what I send everyone else and he did ask for a reply anyway) and people's handphones do go out of battery or I'm out and just happened not to check the handphone and not feel any vibration. On walking out with Yexiang I apologised and tried to tell him how disappointed I was with myself but either he didn't get any indication of how sad I was or he didn't know what to say which left me uncomforted.

I left school for home because in rushing to school this morning (due to a delay because I woke up and realised my school uniform wasn't ready) I forgot to grab my O' level Geography textbook which I had yesterday arranged to pass to my junior today. I was a little bothered that yesterday my junior (whom I'd not talked to in a long time, whether online or offline) messaged me not to talk but to ask for my Geography textbook. I went to the arranged meeting place, incidentally the bus stop outside Nanyang (Auditorium side) and waited. I was 5 to 10 minutes late but then again she said she would be 5 minutes late. I realise how bad it is to wait for someone without being able to contact them because my junior never showed up even though I waited from about 1.35p.m. to 1.40p.m. to 2.00p.m. before I decided to leave for LTF. To think I could have gone straight to LTF and not gone home or done something more productive with my time. To think I was playing Snake on my handphone while waiting for her because I just happened not to bring a book and didn't feel like reading the Bible. At least I got to go home to change though.

I reached church pretty early and decided to play the piano. Have been wanting to play a piano other than my home piano for a long time because it's been a long time since I got into the 'performance' atmosphere. I remember when I used to play and practise piano in public a lot. One thing good about Nanyang was that it had a piano in the canteen area. I was initially scared to play the piano at church because it was so loud (even at home I usually play with the soft pedal on) but I got used to it and had quite a lot of fun, even if I concentrated on playing the piano only (not singing). I wish I'd brought my other file (the one with more songs) along though because I had quite a lot of time to burn and didn't feel like playing some of the songs in the newer file. I managed to practise Perfect Peace and O Sacred Head, Now Wounded. I think the latter is one of the nicest songs I've heard, especially with the accompaniment. It's currently my singing favourite.

I wasn't in a good mood and didn't bother to smile at the few strangers who came in, even if they smiled to me. Usually I would manage a smile even if I didn't feel like it if someone smiled to me but I was just too sad to do that. LTF only made it worse. We had singing, Bible reading, exhortation and then elections. My friend Rachel was one of the 5 members who got into the ExCo. I wish Jevon had got in though because after having a pretty close working relationship with him in Youth Choir (he's Secretary and I was Treasurer) and LTF Camp Committee (we were both Treasurers), and talking to him on a number of occasions (he's one of those people I feel comfortable talking to) I really trust his ability to do whatever is entrusted to him to do. He has a lot of initiative and responsibility. I think the new LTF committee is pretty good though. Still, my heart was filling up with tears throughout everything. I did manage a polite smile at the people beside me (Angeline and Jun) but I noticed that I displayed symptoms of depression even if people didn't notice. I knew it was severe because in severe cases of depression I can't hide what I feel. Still, I don't think people noticed. They never do, do they? I'm not blaming them here but I can't believe no one knows I'm depressed. I think I must be changing without knowing it. Suddenly I appear to be such a good actress that even when I'm not acting people can't see my sadness.

It was great talking with Rachel and Daniel after LTF. Told them more about my depression but didn't state my exact reasons. I think they were shocked though (more again of how I shock people). Am I really that shocking? Am I not known to be frank? Why then do people not see things? I read your blog Bingz and I'm frankly quite confused (neutrally speaking though). What is it that I write in my blog which people do not know of and what is it that I write in my blog which people find shocking? -waves hi to Val- *WELCOME!*

Still, Rachel and Daniel made me feel a lot better. Just standing there talking to them, and laughing at my own weirdness was heartening even if I might have freaked them out somewhat because they didn't know I was this depressed. I feel lonely a lot. Somehow I feel I am superficial with people I'm not close with. I say hi and smile and even talk to them because I'm quite social but do I care about them? I don't know. I guess it's just hard to explain. I've been on both sides of the spectrum, known people who are popular, and people who try so hard but still don't make it to the in-crowd, and I'm as usual popular with both sides because I'm in between. Still, it's lonely being in-between. I barely mix with the class. I move around socialising and people feel free to tell me their problems and to confide in me. I guess it may be because I seem happy and am willing to listen and I don't have a particular best friend in class so people naturally feel free to talk to me. It's not like you're intruding into the private lives of two friends. I'm a loner and yet constantly surrounded by friends. On one hand I get my energy from the crowd and being with people and smiling (sometimes out of politeness and sometimes because I really appreciate what they're saying) makes me get away from my own problems but when I actually get the time to sit down and think on my problems I realise that I only have a few close friends (who are not really well-situated at the moment...I mean I only go to church to see my close friends there once or twice a week, De Wen's in a different faculty so it's hard to see him and Xin Yi, Chooi Mei and Wen Bing are in different schools. My closer council friends are all in different faculties and not exactly close enough yet.) It hurts being lonely sometimes and giving without getting and sometimes when I'm giving I think I'm giving superficially maybe because it's not so much at a cost to me (i.e. I don't sacrifice much for others), but I just naturally give. As Jacob (OBS instructor) says, it's only when you get tired that you see your true nature because you can't be bothered to wear a mask. I guess depression comes in a cycle. Something makes you depressed and this depression makes you more depressed when you think about other things. Plus I know I think a lot.

Every time I go to LTF I come back with a feeling of intense sadness because I see everyone mixing well like normal people should and somehow I can't be bothered to go in and mix, even if people invite me to go in like they did today. I felt good having some people actually say goodbye to me when I left and have people joking with me to, approaching me to talk when they're not very close to me and when I'm not taking the initiative. It gives me pain to know I will never be close friends with some people though and I hate being just acquaintances. Mark (my choir teacher) will also be having a bigger role in LTF and he's been giving me quite a lot of heartache just by being there because he's so nice and he reminds me of better days in Youth Choir. I realise that it's the quitting of Youth Choir that's hurt me a lot, even more than quitting the guild council and NeoPets. Perhaps what Tracy (I think), my ex-fellow guild council mate) said was true, that it's the real world that matters.

But LTF brings me closer to God during the few hours, which is especially good for a person who sadly, can't be bothered to do her Quiet Time. On the way home I was close to tears (during LTF I was close to suicide), thinking about a lot of things. Everything seems to be bittersweet. You see people cheering for World Cup when there's a goal. You see the happy smiles on their faces and you rejoice with them because there's a victory and they're happy. But while some people may purely rejoice, I see that although there's a victory, there's also a failure and sadness. There's a group of people on the opposing team mourning and despairing because they've let a goal through and maybe even lost a chance or a trophy. In all things there's an opportunity cost and a sacrifice. Behind a good thing there's always a bad thing. That was what I was thinking this morning as well but I bet no one (not even De Wen) managed to see that I was depressed. See what I mean again? That's why I maintain I'm always depressed, it's only a matter of how depressed. When I'm normally depressed I see myself acting like I'm happy, even though I'm depressed. When I'm severely depressed I see myself acting like I'm depressed, even though I'm severely depressed. And no one gets it either way.

But perhaps I should focus my thoughts on God instead. I've wanted to be a nun for quite some time, even though people have been telling me there's no such thing as a protestant nun and De Wen would be quite disappointed if I were one (frankly I don't see why he likes me so much and why Chooi mei says he's one lucky guy). Still, I guess I just need to have the discipline to spend more time with God. It's ironically hard for me to do so though when I'm depressed because when I'm depressed I just don't want God to be around. I don't want De Wen to pray for me and I don't want to pray for myself. As I was walking home today I was thinking how friends cannot be trusted fully because they're human and they would put their own interests before yours if it were at a serious cost to them (I know that because of late I have felt this selfishness in some of my best friends and it hurts) and even if I can't remember clearly what I was thinking now I was thinking I'm also guilty of this. Coupled with my disappointment at myself, I became sad. But suddenly I thought that that is why we need God. Because God sacrificed his Son for us, at a great cost to himself, demonstrating he can be trusted fully. Today I was thinking how Christianity must be about brainwashing, serving a God, and how everyone must be brainwashed into thinking they should serve God, but the thing is, who in the right mind wouldn't serve God if this God is a perfect one? And don't I just desire perfection? Why is it so hard to serve God then?

And when I read others' blogs and look at the problems some of my friends face, and some of the problems in the world today, I feel like mine are the most insignificant, which makes me sad because I care for others more than I do myself sometimes, but which gives me the opportunity to forget my sorrows.

I thought of a lot more things but I'm quite tired now and will have an early night's rest. Have to get up to practise piano because my father wants me to play for his Sunday School. It may be tough because it will be the first time I'll be playing the piano in the main sanctuary and in front of so many adults. I realise that sometimes what I really crave for is the assurance that I am good. I suffer from some low self-esteem and need the assurance that I'm good in certain areas. I need someone to tell me that I'm of worth, that I can sing, that I can write, that I can play the piano, and that I can care. So far someone's told me about my ability to juggle so many commitments. Maybe I don't value myself enough? Or maybe I value myself too much (e.g. think that I sing, write, play the piano and care so well) that I think people don't actually view me that way. Psychotic perspectives again.

Good night to all and take care. And to think I thought Mei and Bingz blogs were long...

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Saturday, June 29, 2002 07:48 p.m.

What a perfect ending to the block tests! The Lit. paper went so well. Although I'm not confident of passing the paper or even scoring well because from experience I've never been good at Lit. no matter how I think the paper is, and I always have weird interpretations of everything, I feel that this was one paper I actually did my best in and enjoyed doing.

This was one paper I just sat down, got all my organisation down, all my ideas roughly jotted down, started working, and continued smoothly on. I tried to memorise the quotes this morning all through the way to school, lunch at MacDonalds and during my sit at the noisy class bench today, and it did help somewhat. I managed to recall a few quotes here and there, albeit not all, and write. Occasionally as I was absorbed in my writing I would notice my friends glancing at me with somewhat astonished glances (or was it just a figment of my imagination) at how much I was writing. I was grinning inwardly, going on a high! I filled up two pages of my first essay with ease and started to attempt the second one. The first essay was ok, and I plunged as many quotes as I could remember into it. If you read it you would know I studied, for so I did, and I'm proud of the effort. But as to answering the question and conveying what I wish to convey, that I have not much confidence, but even if I don't do well, I'll still be in the good books of my teachers because I showed obvious effort. I'm already in my own good books because I know I did study. Of course I'll be trying to understand more of how to attempt Lit. questions, which may seem a little late, but it's always better late than never.

The second one was the unseen. I read through both questions quickly. The first option was vaguely similar to one essay we did in class, one which I didn't like. The poem option seemed much more alluring, difficult on the surface, though. Still, I was more interested, wanting to explore and experience more of the unique beauty I believe comes from poems. I read through the poem again, a little tired from the exertion for the first essay, and a little bewildered at what the poet was trying to convey. Then it just hit me. It was weird, unconventional, it seemed, and I didn't think that normal people would be able to get what I got (which makes me fear not doing well for my Lit because it may not be what the poet was trying to convey). But I just got totally absorbed in philosophy, and I went on and on, following my heart and my thoughts feeling as if there was a never-ending stream flowing from my head. It just came out in writing, and my handwriting (my new handwriting, the flowery, classic handwriting) just made everything seem more flowing. Besides, I wrote fast, and I scribbled all the thoughts down, marvelling at what I was thinking and my own writing.

So finally it was that I ended my paper just as I wanted it to end, just one minute before the end of the exam, and then the anti-climax came. I became more fully aware of my hurting hand, and my aching neck and shoulders. Still, I was proud of myself. Smiled to everyone, handed up the paper, talked awhile and went out. I don't really like hanging around in an exam room. It always reeks of the residue of exam exam exam. Accompanied Pei Yu for a while, and I said something I shouldn't have said, something that might make people think I'm weird but I was just trying to make talk because there wasn't much to talk about and for some reason I just wanted to talk. And it was made even worse by the fact that I saw my friend from Nanyang right after I said that, something that reminded me strangely of the isolation I felt in Nanyang, because of what I said, and because of my friend. I was just always weird, and I'm still weird, and now I wonder if people will truly appreciate the beauty that I believe is in me.

You wonder why I am so open in my blog? It's beause I don't want to hide anything. I believe myself blameless. My sad stories are for all to share, and so are my happy ones. And if I feel bad about you, or pissed off, if it makes a difference to me I'll tell you. I won't go around pretending I'm ok when I'm not because I'm not like that. And I don't want to live a lie. This is just my perspective on things. My psychotic perspectives.

Well, I'm typing this now in the school computer lab, since I want to play the piano but there seems to be a test going on in LT1 and I don't want to disturb them but yet I don't want to use the Student Lounge because it's too open and I don't want my Youth Choir friends (yes, there are some of them in HC) to know I'm playing Youth Choir songs like that. It hurts when I know that I could be enjoying more Youth Choir music instead of playing the same old songs over and over but I comfort myself with the knowledge that the Youth Choir songs I have have not been perfected yet. Until I manage to sing with perfect pitch (yes, sometimes I make it, sometimes I fail), and play as well in the accompaniment, I will not require new material. The browsers here have a weird way of not allowing right click and close window like I'm accustomed to. Sigh... I'm leaving soon anyway, since I'm meeting Chooi Mei at 4.45p.m. Somerset MRT. Maybe I'll go read some blogs.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, June 28, 2002 03:23 p.m.

I realise my imood indicator used to always show 'sad' whether I was happy or sad. From now on I will try to update it regularly. What's the use of having an indicator if it's not accurate? My imood history now consists of:

depressed - June 27, 2002
beaming - June 27, 2002
pissed - June 26, 2002
sad - May 5, 2002

Have decided to do a new layout every 26th of the month, to mark the first day I got a new layout. Which means I'll probably do a birthday layout on the 26th of September! -makes note to self-

Special dates:
Archive Day: 1st of the month
Layout Day: 26th of the month

-thinks of more things I could do- I'm obsessed about this page. Now I'm wondering why I think I'm busy, and why I quit everything. Eep...no...Esther, don't think things are as simple as they seem. They never are, and you know it.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, June 28, 2002 10:06 a.m.

Studied a bit before I went to sleep last night. It's the last paper I need to study for today! Yippee! Block tests are about to end, and then I will finish up my undone holiday homework.

Studying Lit. was fun. Enjoyed the quotes, and put together a list of quotes that particularly appealed to me. Another resolution: When I have the time I will either think through the quotes in more detail or just post everything up on a page or just post a random quote a day like Chooi Mei does. Also studied via character analysis. In order to make my knowledge of the plot and the whole play a lot fresher I've taken to reading the entire novel/play again just before the exam. Does this help? I've always been doing badly in Lit. and I don't particularly understand how I can not do badly again. And the thing is I do study for Lit. Perhaps someone can give me some tips?

My productivity has been pretty much at a high. I finished Act 1 and 2 in about 2 hours each (4 hours altogether) and Act 3 and 4 in about 2 and a half hours each, give and take, because I studied Act 1 to Act 3 Scene 1 yesterday and Act 3 Scene 2 to Act 4 today. Now I'm at Act 5 Scene 2 and frankly speaking just a little ill-disciplined at the moment so I decided to come online. It's fun reading the text and my notes, but I don't know if everything will stick and I don't really feel like memorising all the quotes I have for character analysis. I did do up an entire analysis for each character, quote and description but it was as I made my way through the text yesterday and today, and so I haven't reread the whole thing yet. Perhaps I'll just see what I can remember? Or am I undoing hours of hard work?

After the block tests I'm going out with Chooi Mei! We'll be going to Orchard, maybe to catch a movie and get our cookie treat! A pity Spirit seems to be not showing already just when I got the chance to watch it. We're thinking of watching Scooby-Doo but my mom advises me to not watch it because we already have the pirated vcd. Is this stupid to say? My parents love buying pirated vcds. Or is it a fact of life in Singapore and probably a lot of other countries that police have better things to worry about than crack down on the pirated vcd scene in Singapore even though I do see cases of arrest frequently in Jurong East? Chooi Mei, you'll be glad to know we have The Two Towers here! Urp...hmm...if only I could find the time to watch the vcds...but I know that movies are a lot more different than vcds, especially pirated ones, and it's after all the experience with the friend that counts, or the experience with yourself if you're going alone, to sit in a movie theatre. Oh well...

And Ailin, I'm really sorry about your brother. I know I may not be able to help much by saying this, but let me know if you need to talk and I will try to help you as best as I can.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, June 28, 2002 09:53 a.m.

Cats!

what's your battle cry? | mewing.net | merchandise!

take the non-offensive quiz.
and go to mewing.net. laura = great.

Going to sleep now and waking up tomorrow at 4 to study Lit. I'm weird. Meow.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, June 28, 2002 01:18 a.m.

My fourth time listening to a1 now.

Sigh...I'm sad but unwilling to elaborate, fearing it may hurt someone else. I want to offer comfort but don't know how too and it's too sensitive a topic to broach.

Sigh...

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, June 28, 2002 12:40 a.m.

Listened to a1's Make It Good cd (yes, I mean the entire cd) twice and am listening to it again.

Am in a stoning mood. How am I going to go for my English Literature paper tomorrow. I guess the environment really helps or maybe it's just that I lack discipline. I managed to study about 1 Act every 2 hours in the library. Which means I've got to get my act together if I'm keeping up with this study method considering I'm only about halfway through Act 2 out of 5 acts. Thankfully it's an afternoon paper tomorrow so I can get some studying done tomorrow as usual.

CL 'AO' was ok. Will do decently well. I realised that CL 'AO' requires a lot less studying and gives me better marks than Higher Chinese, simply because a lot of the questions are inference-based. I mean, you may not be able to understand the meanings of the words so it's a lot more open-ended, but there are a lot of multiple-choice questions and you can infer the meanings of the words based on the given sentence. That's just how I feel anyway. I may not be able to ace the paper, but I'm sure doing a lot better than Higher Chinese. Which makes me fear my Higher Chinese paper somewhat since I did sign up to retake the Higher Chinese paper and being out of touch with Chinese so long and not studying for CL 'AO', I don't see how I'm going to even even my O'level Higher Chinese result.

Talked a lot with De Wen today. Continued to be pissed and depressed today about the whole relationship thing. I was seriously this close to breaking up. You don't want to know how close I was. But then surprisingly he smsed me and invited me out to dinner and we just talked and continued to talk on and on and somehow we talked through everything and things are ok at least on my side.

Then I went home and had a great time with my mother and brother. I tell you once again if you still haven't got the point, my brother rocks! I'm getting obsessed, but I really love that cute little guy...and we share so many things, and I can do so many things when I'm with him...be stupid, be smart, play toys, listen to music, watch movies, talk, sing...I got so high just being with him. Then I went to bathe and sing in the toilet because I was imagining all my teachers staring at me being locked up in this cold room (don't bother to question my logic here) and I fell in love (again) with my voice, and I continued singing and singing and singing, amazed at my ability to remember so many Youth Choir songs, and switched on the stereo to listen to a1, and continued singing and singing...

Then I remembered.

And suddenly I realise life has its good things but the past always comes back to haunt you. Somehow something that heppened last year came back to haunt me...the reason why I don't want guys to touch me anymore, the reason why I stopped trusting people, the reason why I retreated into my protective shell, the reason why I felt so violated...and why I was/and will always be scarred for life.

And the 'he' in my previous story comes back and haunts me again, and think about him and the things he did, and how I cried.

And I cry again, both in my heart and outside. And it's the inner tears that bother me the most because they squeeze my heart physically and I feel immense sadness. I'm not as simple as everyone thinks I am.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Thursday, June 27, 2002 11:07 p.m.

I maintain that when I'm depressed I seek solace in writing. Or perhaps yesterday I was hit so badly I started being productive, expressing my anger and disappointment in things like layout-design, writing and more writing. It's been a long time since I've been actually writing, and as De Wen says today, it seems to be a vast improvement from my usual blogging. Actually no. I've been writing for quite some time, just that I stopped writing for a while. My styles are quite abstract, at least to me, and mainly involve continuous thoughts and more thoughts. I don't really write substance, just thoughts, so the setting is really a person's mind.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Thursday, June 27, 2002 09:46 p.m.

She sits in the hall penning economics theories in Chinese, thinking in English. Chinese is just not a part of her. She can't convey what she wants to say in Chinese. She loves her English writing, handwriting, but she hates all things Chinese. And now that she has finished writing her Chinese, all 3 1/2 pages of it ahead of time, forsaking another thought of large scale advertising as a way to promote business for a long-awaited conclusion, she whisks her mind away from all thoughts of Chinese concentrating instead on her thoughts and her English writing, thinking about the first question which she didn't attempt. Where would you live if you had a choice? Singapore? She doesn't know. She doesn't want to know. Contentment at her life now seeps in. She doesn't want to think about her problems. But if she doesn't, is she living a lie, throwing away something that is so a part of her, or is she making these things not a part of her any more just like she forgot what he did to her? But some things can never be forgotten and even now things are being plucked like grain from the depths of the abyss, previously forgotten but now seeping back into memory because they were never gone.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Thursday, June 27, 2002 09:40 p.m.

If anyone is wondering why I'm still at home at this time, it's because I don't have a morning paper. Today is CL 'AO' which starts in the afternoon, which means I have to remember to get my breakfast cum lunch, which means that I'll probably change and leave the house the moment I'm done with this and some personality tests (because I see Chooi Mei has done some LOL) and go to school. Hopefully there will be time to study Lit for the paper the day after. Lit happens to be an afternoon paper too, and after that, the block test should be considered over, even if I have another episode of CL 'AO' on Saturday.

Yesterday after I went offline I decided to go play the piano for a while. Practised some Youth Choir songs as usual, but because my grandmother was around I only concentrated on playing and not singing at the same time. Singing can only be done when the playing is so perfect you don't need to think about it, and you do have to memorise your lines for singing too. So it's like doing two things and not concentrating on either, or at least that's how I feel. Perhaps then I can concentrate on the final outcome and enjoy the music. I love my voice and my playing. I need to get the last page of the score sheet for "All Things Bright and Beautiful" because I lost it and the beauty of the song can't entirely be portrayed if I don't get the climax at the end (and it's cool too because then my voice goes very high and I realise that my voice has been able to reach higher notes with more ease with time).

After working through some Youth Choir songs (only managed to do those in my grey file because for some reason I couldn't find my black file), I decided to go play some classical masterpieces for the first time in a long time. Started by playing Chopin, and even though I wasn't into the song enough to get into the mood, experience in playing that song enabled my fingers and body to just sway naturally, making it look like I was in the mood. Yes, through technique I managed to touch the keyboard in a way that conveyed the mood, but I wasn't feeling it myself. Does this make sense? Realised I need some brushing up to do to really enjoy the piece. Due to lack of practice, I can manage to go through the song, but there are some irritating stops here and there and some mistakes as well. And it's especially disturbing not to be able to enjoy the technical aspect of the music, such as the really fast parts. I like challenge, when I can beat it. :) After that, I played a little Bach and Handel. Really enjoy the balance and the fast movement there. Gives a lot of excitement. But I have to practise harder in order to perfect the technical part of it.

Was interrupted because of dinner. I don't think my family knows about some rules that govern performance playing, which my teacher always enforced. Never disturb a performer in the middle of playing. Which means that even when I'm practising and my teacher walks into the room, I am not to stop and start the lesson, but rather finish the piece to perfection. [Sometimes you have to see the body language of the performer too to know when she's finished. In Chopin, I had to play an extra part after the song sounds like it's ended, and when performing unless you're totally absorbed in the music it gets a little unnerving when you play each note very slowly (because that's the way you're supposed to end that song) and everyone's eyes are fixed on you waiting for you to play the next note. I know my performance skills are really bad in front of a live audience. Even when I play for people one to one, although they do enjoy and remember my playing, which I recall with a certain sense of pride, I do know that it's not my best. I usually perform at my best when I'm performing for myself alone i.e. in acting, which I still practise. Sigh...].

After dinner, I continued playing the piano for a while. Played some Mozart, and then reverted back to Chopin. There's this cool dramatic piece which has a relatively large dynamic range and I like to bang on the piano at the start because the start is supposed to be very very loud, and the music seems to signal impending doom. I used to do that when I was in a bad mood with my grandmother. Just some history here for people who don't know about my grandmother. This whole strained relationship has been going on for a very long time, and she used to stay in my room and do a lot of irritating things. I used to vent my frustration openly at her, through varying forms of banging e.g. banging on the table and the piano, but I've grown accustomed to her ways over the years (urp...this was part of the song I sang with my boyfriend in Primary 6, on stage too) and slowly started to ignore her. Still, for consideration of my family still at dinner (I astonished all by being the first to finish, and finishing so fast that people didn't even realise I'd been eating), I played at much softer volumes.

There was a huge argument at the table yesterday, which thankfully I was an outsider of, but obviously I rooted for my brother inwardly. My father had no battery in his handphone and needed to sms and he asked my brother for the battery and my brother just blew up because he hates it when my dad is too lazy to get up and do things himself but rather disrupts other people's dinner. Seriously, my father is getting fatter and a little lazier physically. He does work hard in his job, which requires a lot of mind-work, but physically he is lacking. Then my father went upstairs to get my brother's handphone and took out his battery to put it in his own, and my brother got even more pissed off because my father could have just plugged his charger into his handphone and smsed instead of interrupting my brother's handphone system by taking out the battery. My brother was saying that my father wouldn't just take his battery for that one second, that he would continue to use it in his handphone. That I agree. I'm just glad that my father doesn't really mind me much but places more attention on my brother. Afterward, my father was yelling of parent abuse and saying a lot of provoking things to my brother, so my brother got mad, and when he did, my mother came into the picture (my parents work in a pair!) and scolded him, and then my brother stormed upstairs to his room, where later my mother opened his door and provoked him some more. My father reverted to a good mood and started watching the World Cup in the living room. Not feeling the mood any longer, and also because he didn't consider that I was playing the piano before switching on the tv, I decided to stop playing, and packed up my stuff. Was a little pleased that my father gave me a smile and invited me to watch WC with him. Because he felt lonely? Because he wanted some reassurance for guilt? I said no though, and said that I'd be watching the finals hopefully, to which he replied that this was nearly the finals. I went upstairs to my room anyway.

Strangely enough, during my course of life I did feel urges to sue my parents for child abuse. Emotional child abuse. Perhaps they satisfied me with all the material wants I could ever have, but although they tried they were never there for me emotionally. They couldn't, because of their character. My father would be so impatient when I had a problem and couldn't solve it that he wouldn't leave me to think about my problem and wait for my thoughts to settle like my GP tutor would. When I had a problem in Mathematics, my father would scold me until I cried because I could never see the solution. Sometimes I just don't see things. And during yesterday's incident, I realised that my parents could have entirely missed the point. My brother wasn't so much angry about having to recharge his handphone and fix it again because it was interrupted, but rather that my father took advantage of him again, and who wants to be taken advantage of? I dislike my parents being able to yell at us but not being able to accept us yelling back at them. Besides that, my parents work together against us, always fighting for each other when the situation seems so unreasonable. A loving couple? No wonder my brother sometimes supports me in arguments with my parents. Yesterday I couldn't support him because I wanted to stay out of the situation, and because my relationship with my family is getting strained again, to the point of me being treated more like a stranger than a family member. My brother still retains being treated like a family member, but he's starting to rebel, disobey, and stay out of the house for longer periods. Sort of like me last time, fighting for independence, wanting to stay out of this unwelcoming place we call home. No wonder nowadays our doors are always closed and we rarely come out of my rooms. It helps that my brother has a television in his room, manually self-moved, and can spend his entire life in his room if he wanted to. He also moves whole stacks of food into his own larder. As for me, I rarely come down, only for dinner, and I speed through dinner as fast as I can. Recalls the time when I used to talk about my life over the dinner table. I don't anymore. Dinner is usually a silent affair, and I'd appreciate it if no one made any references to me.

Anyway, I went up to my room, felt a little tired, and decided to go to sleep at 8p.m. after a little joking session with my maid. Was interrupted by my mother later which made me feel slightly better about the whole situation because my mother was joking with me. Guess our relationship is now on the surface, huh? Kinda like the relationship I refused to have with De Wen, one that was concentrated on joking alone and no serious talk. You get what I mean now? I couldn't sleep much though because I was thinking and awake, and decided instead to start reading The Lord of The Rings. Started by reading the Prologue, which was a little boring, because it was about the history of hobbits and was a little frustrated that I couldn't get all the facts into my head. But I did manage to get a rough gist, and propelled by the fact that Alanna jie can finish a book in one night, I decided to continue reading. Still, I felt tired after about 1 hour of reading. Hurting eyes, and put down my book after finishing the Prologue and a few pages of Chapter 1. I will not view the book as a big book though, but as three small books of about 400 pages each so that the prospect of reading it, though fun, seems less daunting. During the course of reading, I was thinking that this book is much thicker than the Bible and I could have been reading the Bible instead of spending my time on this, but for some reason it didn't change the course of action I'd decided to take. I didn't pray that night too, perhaps because I did pray before my Maths exam and it didn't help much? Or perhaps it helped me not to get a single-digit? I don't know. Just didn't feel like doing it.

As I said, I went to bed at around 9 (which explains why I'm able to wake up at about 6.30a.m. this morning without the use of an alarm clock) and dreamed very weird dreams. I dreamed of Ailin and Kelvin, and I was surprised that Ailin knew Kelvin because I seemed to know Kelvin since a long time ago (I didn't...it was just in my dream) and I didn't know that Ailin was together with Kelvin and then Ailin said she knew Kelvin since Primary 2 (that I don't know for sure...another weird idea popping up in my dream) and I was suddenly hit with the realisation that they were together! And I literally (in my dream) hit my head in utter shock at myself. What a weird dream. I remember another one which I think I never posted about Alanna jie. If I did, just let me know because sometimes I'm stuck in what I don't do in the past (e.g. I still remember I didn't blog about Saturday and Sunday even though I don't remember enough to do it). Which explains why you should never borrow money from me because I might just remember that you've been owing me money since forever. That is, if I don't entirely forget about the debt. I remember once, I think it was the day after the last dream about Alanna (the one where she was handing me a long-sleeved white shirt), I was at Jurong East MRT station and there was a train in the central platform, and Alanna was there, and I wanted to pass her the letter book (by the way, Alanna, the book is still with me, although I wrote in it since long ago), but I didn't manage to catch her because she just kinda faded away in the distance ahead.

I feel dreams signify something. Probably a mix of what I've been thinking about. I remember once when I dreamed I was in Fantasy Island (that was years ago when I dreamed) and some guy (I think it was my ex-ex, the one in Primary 6) was right at the bottom to catch me.

I've made a decision. I will not give in. I have been hurt very badly, a lot over my comfort zone, and I am reverting to my old habit of not giving in, which happens when I'm hurt too much. Judging from past experiences, there are things I will never forgive, and this is another experience which I will think about myself and not the other party, and be harsh. It gives me pain, but I will ignore it, and I will assert my opinion this time. If nothing is done to salvage the situation, I will not hesitate to end everything. I don't care how much I put in to this. I don't care how much you put in to this. I won't care. I know that it is easy to salvage the situation (trust me, it takes just a little to get me pleased again), but yes, I'm in a mood now, and when I'm in a mood like this I issue a final warning to you to get the hint, and if you don't, and if you think I'm a stuck-up princess to be putting on this mood, then so be it. I don't answer to you, and I will not answer to you. I will not care until you care first, and I have enough independence to forget you and to put you in my enemy list. Those who have done the quiz will know exactly how many enemies I have. These are the people whom I never forgave, because of the things they did. They may have done something trivial, but it hurt me too bad. They may have tried to apologise, but what they did was so serious I never forgave. I know that there are things I will never forgive, which is why I always believe in frankness and ground rules. I don't play when it comes to things like this, and yes, I repeat this is a final warning. I AM VERY PISSED and ready to put you out of my life and pretend that you never walked in.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Thursday, June 27, 2002 07:53 a.m.

In response to the chatterbox messages...

Wow...you guys chat a lot too! LOL And for those who use Flooble chatterboxes, do you know how I can view all the messages? Because by the time I checked the chatterbox, the first message was a message I'd not seen before and I don't want to miss out on a single message. I changed the line setting to 90 though so that the chatterbox can stretch longer in future. Since I blog a lot, I guess that shouldn't really matter.

To anonymous:
Thanks to all the people who know/don't know me who bother to read my blog and post a nice message of encouragement. I appreciate it. :)

To bingz:
Haha...it doesn't matter. Ask the people who've been reading my blog since the start, I've taken forever just to change to this first layout. And at least you had one already before that. During my work on my layout, I spotted a few free-layout/blog skin sites. Never knew such things existed. Well, that makes for fast layout-getting, but I rather create my own layout. Own warped principles at stake here. Moderation...maybe, but as my friend (the one mentioned in the story) said, when people do badly, they get a D or E, but when people like the two of us do badly, we get Fs. That's what makes the difference. And a D or E doesn't get you retained. I know there are some retainees reading this, and I hope you don't get offended. Sorry if you do 'cos I don't mean anything. :(

To alanna jie:
Thanks for your encouragement! I know you've been facing problems yourself, but you always bother to come and see if I'm ok. Thanks so much. Take care! Well, the exams sometimes show that what you expect doesn't necessarily happen, which is why sometimes I take things easy since I know that hard work might not necessarily pay off (I mean, I do work hard, but I don't mug all through the night if I can help it). But for some reason, the Maths just crumbled on me and unleashed a volcano waiting to be exploded, and then I got angry at De Wen and all...

To louie:
Yes, I agree that it's the attitude that counts but in depression I don't think about that, and I resent such 'standard' advice, hence my statement in the story. Reflected what I was feeling at that moment.

To k-fish:
Know who you are but guess you don't want your name revealed to the public huh? Yup, I guess it's true. People experience problems all the time especially during periods of high-stress e.g. exams. I usually try to help as much as I can, just by being there, just by offering a hug, and just by giving some of the 'standard' advice. I think 'standard' advice helps sometimes. It makes you (or at least me) feel like a fool after the whole depression wears off when you see how you didn't manage to get that point which was so logical, but I believe that sometimes you need someone to help you to think clearly. Sometimes counselling sessions end up with me feeling like a fool.

To everyone:
Thanks for the comments about the layout. There's obviously a nagging feeling that it's not good enough, especially since all the images were copied and collaged/edited and since it's my first layout and my first time actually sitting down to do this, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Oh yes, and about the blogging, I had to actually scroll down to my past entries to see if I really did blog a lot the last few days. Guess I did...Oops! I'm a real chatterbox and a longwinded one too. Now I realise why my Geography essay sounded so much like a GP one: because I was having so much fun (yes, serious F-U-N) elaborating on every single answer. Guess it comes out from being frank and open and not wanting people to misunderstand certain things? Hmm...

Help needed:
Please let me know if you know how to work the chatterbox.

And if you thought this was the end, it isn't because I'm still posting yesterday's update...guess people are going to get pretty bored of reading about my daily life soon.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Thursday, June 27, 2002 07:16 a.m.

Actually I never really went offline. I've been working on my new layout until now. Somehow, I just went to get the images, edited them, and edited the HTML over and over again to make it perfect. And now I present my first layout! I'm quite proud of myself. :) Check out the changes I've made to my sidebar too.

Also, during my work, I managed to listen to a1's Make it good, Britney Spears' Britney and The Spice Girls' Spice Girls from first track to last track! Indeed a relaxing afternoon. I'm listening to Billy Gilman's Dare To Dream now.

I'll probably take a bath now and do whatever I like! I realise I shouldn't plan too much about enjoyment because my plan to relax always changes according to what I enjoy doing on the spur of the moment, and I enjoy doing so many things. It was a little odd working online for so many hours without anyone around because amazingly no one came online today! I got to enjoy an afternoon in my own company and in the quietness of solitude though. Go me.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 26, 2002 06:38 p.m.

Guess what...I was so tired I fell asleep and didn't wake up early this morning. It was my fault. Was reading Teens until about 11 last night.

Rushed through my revision this morning. Decided not to go meet De Wen in the morning because I didn't need any distractions. I wanted to concentrate on my studying and it was highly successful. I managed to cram a lot into my head and ran to school for some more cramming because after some cramming at home I left my Maths file at home by accident and didn't have time to run home and get it. I called my maid to tell her to bring it to the bus stop but the bus came before I could say anything to her so I just said "Never mind" and put down the phone. Oops...

My fault. As you can see from the story below which I penned out of inspiration, I was quite troubled by the events of this morning. It could have been worse though, that I acknowledge, and after some venting and being alone, I guess I'm pretty ok now. I'm still angry with De Wen though and I'm not going to be contactable. And please, knowing that I don't have caller id on my mobile phone, take my last warning and not call me. It's just my mood as usual and I know I'm not being fair to you, but I did give you a really serious warning today and you didn't abide by it. Why should you? Unfortunately, my mood doesn't enable me to empathise with people at the moment.

I will be spending the whole day hopefully offline once I get finished with whatever I wish to do online. I'm not going to do much studying for Chinese. Frankly speaking, Chinese is something I don't know if studying will help. It takes long term work, a little like GP.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 26, 2002 01:38 p.m.

The world ends with great relief for her. "Pens down." She painstakingly awaits the collection of papers before grabbing her things and leaving. Before she packs everything up though, she remembers to punch a reply to her boyfriend, telling him she needs (emphasize 'needs', not 'wants') to be left alone. Her paper was devastating and she needs to cool down. Practised efficiency and speed aid her in gliding right to the back of the classroom, but she feels it would be too awkward to leave without a word. The world is full of people.

Her friends wonder why she is smiling. She wonders why her friends think she is smiling when she isn't. Her friends marvel to each other at the speed with which she attacked her paper, the confidence she exhibited when she conquered each question, scribbled down each answer. She marvels at the fact that she was marvelling at her friends who were speedily attacking their papers, the confidence they exhibited when they conquered each question, scribbled down each answer. She is astonished at the admission of her friends that they did not know how to do the paper at all, when what they got for the last test was way higher than what she got. She only got an O. And she knew within her that she would get an F this time. Perhaps people may think she is modest in the prediction of her results, but she knows from experience that she is a good judge. She is one judgement she judges correctly. She scorns everyone inwardly for not taking her seriously, for not knowing the truth and then being visibly shocked at how badly she does when the results are finally announced.

A practised smile, put up so people will not think she is cold and unfriendly. She excuses herself with ease and moves quickly to an empty toilet where she does all she need to do before escaping from the school, its compound of busy people. She thinks of the classmates she has left behind in the class, putting up smiles and grins as they recall their helplessness in the battle with the paper. Are those smiles practised too? What is serious nowadays? What can be trusted?

She walks briskly through the halls, passes through crowds of people, all talking about the paper. She knows her boyfriend is in LT3, but she has to pass through the LTs to get to her locker. A short trip to her locker, and she is out, dodging past people who for some reason have chosen to stroll and talk, and crowd the entire corridor like blood pushing the walls of a bursting artery. She is unable to restrain a little grin as she sadistically knows that she is not alone in her pathetic defeat. Turning into a much more secluded corridor, she walks past the classrooms and looks into the windows, staring at people still seated in their classrooms. She sees her friend is standing alone crying, hand holding a wad of used tissues. She wants to go in and comfort her, but she feels that her friend would want to be left alone. She continues on her way, staring at each passing white board, the words screaming "Maths Test 0800-1030", simple yet piercing and mocking. She hears fragments of conversation. "It's the Hwa Chong paper"...an excuse? She just wants to get away from it all.

Her mind moves so much faster now than it did a few minutes ago, when everything seemed to be blocked. Formulas were there, learnt by heart. Questions were confusing, looked tough, were tough, and even though she knew all the formulas, she couldn't apply them. She gave up in the middle of the paper. As she did each question, her heart sank further down as she skipped question after question, writing a few lines in answer to each new question on each fresh sheet of paper. The realization that she would never make it, that even an O was unreachable made her bleed inwardly. After a while, she was giving up, her mind getting more and more blocked. Thoughts of suicide flooded over her, and she wondered if it was worth it just killing herself once and for all. 10a.m., sudden enlightenment. She flips back to the first question and attempts the paper all over again, scanning each partial answer to see if there is anything she can add, anything that will earn her that one extra mark to give her an O. She affords some time to count just the number of measly marks she can obtain. If I'm lucky, a single digit will be out of the question, but I don't even have the marks required to get half an O.

She flees from the corridor, and strides down the stairs, staring at the reading room. She refuses to look in the direction of her boyfriend's class bench. She fears she has failed him. She doesn't want any comfort from anyone at the moment. She just wants to be left alone, to sort out her thoughts. She believes that no one can provide comfort, and is afraid of being hurt by some subconsciously provoking sentence. She doesn't want people to say "It's ok" or "Never mind" because it is not ok and she does mind. She is intrigued by the little details of life. Perhaps she might leave it soon. She wants the little things to stay with her. She ups what little energy she has within her to give a smile at her fellow council mate as she passes the council room. She moves past the faculty noticeboard, the bookshop, the CCA notice board. She sees if there is any notice there for her second CCA. No notice. Shrugging internally, she moves on. A turn to the class benches. People are mingling around. Her CT tutor is there, surrounded by her classmates. She imagines him smiling in his usual laidback manner as her friends bombard him with whines about the tough paper. She feels strangely detached from everything. Even now she is talking about herself in the third person, as if she is staring at herself from some far off space, watching, waiting. She moves to the canteen. Those people still have the energy to eat. Everywhere, people are talking. It's the attitude that matters, doesn't it? The way you view things. The way you view stress. The way you view failures. It's all in your hands. What f***ing crap. Even the newspaper screams stress. The papers are full of sad stories, political stories, and a whole blab about how her personality type means she is in risk of cancer.

Finally, freedom, freedom! (She notices the alliteration with amusement, and starts thinking of English Literature. The next, next test.) She bursts through the school gate and walks to a full bus stop. Her acting comes in handy again and she manages a smiling face, although people who know her well will know that that kind of smiling face is only a put up one. Unfortunately, people in general don't know her well, and she knows too many people. She small-talks with people at the bus stop, before meeting her friend by chance. Her friend looks worried. She knows, because she has been observing her body language for a long time. On her face is a tear drop, signifying a recent bout of tears. Her friend wants to quit council after MAF. "Why did I ask you to come up to LT1 yesterday?" she asks. "It's because I'm going to fail geography. Bloody hell. And I smsed Mrs. Chua yesterday and she says it's my first geography test, to take it at my time. But I have no time." Sigh...This sounds a lot like me. The no-time factor. "Not to worry," I say, "We will find time amidst our busy schedule. We can study together if you like." Who am I convincing? She wonders how much people really can help others. She knows her friend is troubled but she can't find a way to help besides patting her on the back, being shrugged off but controlling her face muscles so she maintains a caring face despite her frustration, and logically telling her friend that it's ok, that we will try not to be retained even though both of us are worried about it, and that we will work harder." Her friend says that the teachers won't care how much effort we put in, that they will still retain us if no matter how hard we try we still don't do well. How easy is it to get one 'A'-level pass and two 'AO'-level passes? To think I was aiming for 'S' papers.

Then she sees my bus coming and waves me off, and I see what she didn't see, that I missed one bus just to stand with her and talk, to be there for her. My acting skills are good, huh? But now I wish I had taken the earlier bus, because then De Wen wouldn't have seen me, and just when I'd settled safely in my seat to start thinking at my own pace, he wouldn't have come to the window with a smiling face and said goodbye, breaking a dam holding back tears that were waiting to be unleashed. And I manage a last resigned smile, see him not getting any hint of the resignation but only the smile, and I say goodbye, shouting another reply to my friend who yelled a happy goodbye to me. The bus takes me from Nightmare Lane, and I realise that recently I've had the habit of taking note of bus license plate numbers. SBS3557K. This morning it was 9129_ and the previous day it was 9127_. I feel the tears welling up into my eyes, so I lean back and close my eyes, feel my eyes get wet, and know that from the outside it will only seem that I'm tired. What a wonderful afternoon of lying to everyone about my true feelings. No wonder people don't take me seriously. No wonder when I say I want to be left alone even my boyfriend doesn't believe me.

She lets the music pour into her ears like sweet honey, an ironical contrast to the image in her mind of a limp and bloodied person with slash wounds all over her arms. It looks a lot like her now, only without the blood. The bus stops again, and she sees she has dropped a piece of Chinese in the bus. She refuses to pick it up and just moves on home, exchanging strange looks with the driver. On her way home she stares at blue, the colour of clinical depression. Her new shoes are blue, her new bag is blue, her new coat is blue, even her scrunchie and hairband are blue. And she happens to be carrying her blue Chinese file home. She is greeted at the door by her maid, who happens to be in not a very pleasant mood, and grudgingly cooks a can of Campbell soup for her. After reading the papers about more bad news and drinking up all the soup which is her lunch, she picks up everything she owns and goes back to her room. The only place she feels comfortable in. The only place that is hers and hers alone. She scratches at a recovered wound and lets blood out. Perhaps people believe that the draining away of blood drains away the pain with it since pain is needed to let blood out in the first place.

It's amazing how even chocolate is bitter and called extra dark chocolate. Sure fits the dark mood.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 26, 2002 01:38 p.m.

Read Grace's June blog. Sounds highly relating to what I'm feeling. Guess people do feel somewhat similarly just that I don't see it? What makes me think I'm different from people or that people are different from me?

I'm moving on in my blogging. And I'm feeling very hot now...I hate having my hair let down. And I PURPOSELY used Head And Shoulders Anti-Dandruff Shampoo today because I discovered dandruff! ARGH! No...this is not happening to me. Imagine me saying this out loud. Thought of doing research on dandruff too for the fun of it but I'm too tired. So long.

-wonders if the hours slept in the afternoon were to make up for hours lost in the past few years- Am feeling so tired. And a little sick.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, June 25, 2002 09:50 p.m.

Can't wait for everything to end so I can do 3 things.

a) Read Lord Of The Rings. Yes, I bought the entire book because Popular is having a 20% discount ending this week. I realised the Left Behind series (both adult and kid version) is being sold at Popular too for about 50% the prices I bought my books. Darn... But I comforted myself with the thought that at least I did manage to read the Left Behind series a lot earlier, and when I had more time. LOL.

b) Watch Spirit, the cartoon about this really wild horse. Reminds me of myself because I want to be wild and free. Been wanting to watch this show for a long time. Will be watching it with Chooi Mei and afterwards going for a Mos Burger cookie. :) Should take the opportunity to buy one for my brother too.

c) Read Teens. I made the mistake of buying Teenage, or Teens, forgot which. Forgot that I didn't really read the last issue I bought of Lime, or that I had completely no time to buy and read the last issue of Lime. Will try to read. Why did I buy it? Maybe there will be some a1 stuff in there. Did you know that Learn to Fly is going to be the next single to be released??? Wow...I just love that song, both the music and the lyrics, and it helps when I'm feeling down. It's one of the songs I make a point to listen to when I'm selecting tracks off my cd.

d) Uh...sleep? I'm going to sleep now and wake up in the morning to study Maths. That's what I do for some subjects. Wake up in the morning to study. Perhaps I will wake up really early though e.g. 1a.m. because I already got 4 hours of sleep today and should get 4 hours of sleep more before I have a nice day tomorrow to relax because my day ends around 10 and I have CL 'AO' the next day in the afternoon. How I wish I had that much time with Geography.

e) Read my Geography notes. I so LOVE geography! I just need to get down to reading it because it's still schoolwork.

f) And I'm suddenly reminded I have HOLIDAY HOMEWORK. Oops...guess tomorrow isn't so relaxing after all. I wonder where I dumped my homework. Uh...I can't even find my block test timetable and my GP homework had better not be gone because I put so much effort into it.

And in case I decide not to update on Saturday and Sunday (which I still remember I haven't updated on, because I hate owing myself and others things), yes, I've bought a new handphone cover...a really cool nice one and it's blue!!! Besides that, I also got something else but I'm experiencing a mental block at this moment so I'd better go to sleep before I start to have a mental block tomorrow too. See ya all.

-feels high- Boy...the mood swings I get.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, June 25, 2002 09:38 p.m.

Just got yelled at to go down for dinner by a very pissed off father. And you know what happens when you (someone not close to me) yell at me. I get pissed off. I yell back. I reflect and get angry with you for bringing out such a bad side in me. We drift further apart. And the whole cycle repeats itself.

I hate the way you are overly-critical. You don't have to look pissed off when asking me to come down for dinner. You don't have to yell back at me when I yell at you. You don't have to shout so loud from downstairs I can hear you through a closed door. You don't have to get so irritated when players don't seem to play well. You don't have to curse the players and scold the referee. You don't have to talk so loudly even my brother gets irritated and storms upstairs, slamming his door. My dear brother. It's irritating, the way you don't seem to understand the situation the players are going through. No one does, but do you have to scold and yell? Why not put yourself in their shoes? They're not seeing the match like you are from top down. They're on the field. They're overwhelmed with only one goal, fighting for the ball. They don't think too much about strategy because unless they've been trained beforehand they don't have the time too. And they're sweaty, hot and tired. Do you think you could do better if you were in their situation? What gives you the right to be so strong towards them? A friendly evaluation yes, but not a scolding match. And I hate the way you stare at me as if I were a piece of dirt wormed out from my room. But you know what, I've got better things to think about. I'm not going to change just because you want me too. We haven't been able to talk to each other for a long time. We rarely talk, and I only respond to your occasional hello and smile with a polite reply. You aren't approachable, overly critical, and I dislike you a lot. I hate to say I hate you, because something might happen that may cause me to regret what I say. Things always happen, don't they? I may just as well crawl into my bed and never wake up. Things like that you never know. You're a part of me, and you're my family. You are part of the past trove of good memories. You remind me of the family outings you took us to, the fun we had. You changed the way I did things. You also taught me a lot, even though I didn't want to hear anything you said because I either didn't have time or was too tired to learn. But you know what, somehow we can't talk anymore. We can't communicate and connect. You don't seem to be part of my life anymore. And I care. I do. It hurts a great deal that you don't seem to care...that you don't bother to ask about me, and that you always look upon me as scum, or as a person that can be developed further into scholar-material, successful in the ways of life. Your attitude to me is either of anger or of mentorship. Why can't you view me as myself? I bet if you did my quiz you'd only get the first question correct.

So well, I realise my dad was watching World Cup after a while of hearing yells coming from downstairs. Although I didn't watch the World Cup during my short time at dinner, I managed to figure it was the Germany-Korea match. I could hear the unified cheers of the crowd though, and wondering who was leading them. Somehow I'm reminded of the numerous cheering sessions at school. Somehow my voice appears soft to others most of the time, but everytime I'm cheering (whether with council or school), I can hear my voice over the crowd. Why? Sometimes I think I could have been cheer i/c but I didn't apply for the position and frankly speaking, I don't really have a passion for cheering. Reminds me of what Li Hui said about cheering. Miss my friends. -wonders why Wei Liang gave me this weird look today, as if he was embarrassed he knew me-. Sigh...maybe I smile too much sometimes I seem so over-enthusiastic. Or desperate? I find in general I relate a lot more to guys. I wonder why. Perhaps it's because I'm a girl. I refuse to elaborate further on that.

The thing is, are you embarrassed at knowing me? Do you wish I weren't me? I was so shocked today/yesterday when De Wen said he wished he were someone else because I heard wrongly. I heard him saying he wished I were someone else. Somehow it just stuck with me. Perhaps people wish I were someone else? There isn't a perfect person, just people who are closer to perfect than most. What's your idea of a perfect person? What's your ideal? Ideal student, ideal councillor, ideal girlfriend, ideal daughter... And now I'm wondering if I'm first a student or first a councillor. Been staring at my badge and wondering what it represents. Do I have to put up a front all the time? I know I used to expect councillors to do a lot better...the 'perfect' type of people, always in teachers' good books etc. I realise today when I yelled I get provoked easily. I yell, and I swear. Because basically I'm tired of putting up a facade. No, my enthusiastic self is true. My social self is true. I love relating to people. I love working with people. But I always feel I'm not good enough. When I'm being nice, I wonder if I'm being nice out of hypocrisy. To be popular? Because I have to? Because it's the right thing? Because it's natural? I don't know...

I don't know anymore. And one reason I'm sticking with De Wen is because he has the extraordinary ability to stick with me when I'm sad. Somehow he just stays there and not moves away. You know why I keep thinking about the SP-TH issue? It's because I never feel I'm good enough. And sooner or later people won't be able to take me. People care for a while, but when they get tired or have their own problems they won't care. Somehow De Wen doesn't see what I'm seeing, even in himself, or am I inferring too much? Sometimes people think I don't see things when I do. I observe. But perhaps people think I view the smallest details I don't see the large picture. I don't know. Do I care what people think? To a certain extent I do, and it's getting so bad I don't want to care. I want to be myself. But the thing is you never can be yourself because unless your image is one of utter perfection, world's standards mind you, not your own standards, people won't like you, people won't relate to you, and you will die a lonely pauper. I think too much perhaps, and talk too much to too many people, and I see some people are being ill-treated. Why? I don't know. These people are nice but unable to gain the popularity they deserve. Thinking back to the time I ran for council and the friends I made through running for council (because we were all in it together as candidates), I realise a lot of them are really nice people. Every single one of them. People who didn't get it, after a while of knowing them and keeping in touch with them, you realise how efficient they really are and how nice they can be. I often wondered how I would view about council if I didn't get in. How I would view the other people who got in. And the other people who didn't. Now I see people like Galen and Karin and say hi. I see people like Shun Yi and Jia Min and say hi. I talk to them as friends. I remember how and when I first knew them, but it doesn't come into the picture when talking to them. But maybe it's because I got it and they didn't? I know I'm resentful to a certain extent about choir, but I know I never would have made it there. I wouldn't have gotten an ExCo position because I'm not good enough, and I know I might not have mixed well with people there. Not because they're not nice, but because I wouldn't have spent as much time with them as I spend now with my council mates. I wouldn't have 'suffered' with them as much as I 'suffer' now in council. I say 'suffer' because it's tough but it's fun, enjoyable and worth it. That I say with conviction. Speech Training, First Aid, OBS. I'm glad for the opportunity. But where have I gone? Do people view me with resentment because I got in and they didn't? Do they try to ignore this fact when talking to me? I don't know...and where have I got to now? Is it such a big deal in the first place? Maybe it isn't to most people. Maybe to most people I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. You know why I'm so concerned? Because every day I'm wearing this badge I can't believe I made it, I can't believe people voted me in, and I think that what they saw was just on the surface and not what was the true me. I mean, if they read my blog, saw me cursing and swearing, knew I was so psychotic with so many family problems and an obsession with pain and suffering, do you think they'd still vote me in? Besides that, all the commitments I once had? I don't think so. Now I wonder if I'd lied to them. I didn't, but I didn't tell them a lot of other things. But did I have to? And does it make a difference now I've gotten in? Am I a good councillor? I'm trying to live up to the expectations of the badge. But the thing is, people will never see what's beyond the surface. I mean, if a councillor isn't someone that popular around the school and barely known (sad to say, I didn't know all the senior councillors before I got into council), does it mean he/she doesn't do work? Does it mean he/she doesn't think about council, try to help as much as possible? If I take a break off hours of council work and drink something in the canteen and people see me during that 10 minutes of drinking while others are working, do you think they will judge me based on that? What if others are just standing around not helping? Too many cooks spoil the broth. Do you think I would be of help just standing around not doing anything? Or should I have offered my help? I maintain you never know someone unless you step in his/her shoes and walk around in it. Perhaps that's why people never feel understood. I guess that's why I look with a certain sense of regret at people like my GP tutor who could have understood, who want to understand, but can't understand because I refuse to bother them about my personal life. Maybe I should give out my blog address to her? Ha...uh... Well, she did extend an invitation to drop in when I'm free. The thing is, when am I free? And, should I be bothering her when she has so many other things to do and my thoughts are basically incoherent anyway?

Trust me, I think a lot more than I write. I think a lot more randomly and much more complex than I write too. I just wonder when I can unravel the mysteries around the thoughts I think. Will I ever? And should I ever? The world is not as simple as it looks, sadly. And there's so much politics I wonder if I should even be saying what I'm saying in this entry.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, June 25, 2002 09:07 p.m.

I was so tired I collapsed on my bed and fell asleep until morning, and for some reason set my alarm clock to 6a.m.. Was very disoriented but thankfully I managed to wake up (albeit with much panic) at 5.30a.m. and do some really last minute revision. Managed to skim through the notes for Lecture 1, 4-7 of Plate Tectonics and Rocks and Landforms during the morning at home, the bus ride, and later the period at school. Was quite angry with De Wen this morning because he was talking quite loudly to Roger and disturbing my studying, but I didn't say anything because I was totally fed up with everything. Mood was quite sad today. Talked softly, refused to do much, even with my classmates. Geography is a major paper for me. I wonder if I'll feel glad with an improvement in Geography (maybe an O?). Compared to an F it seems quite a bit better but it might put me in danger for my promos too.

Met Alanna jie this morning. Walked past her the first time I saw her, then I remembered that she has short hair now. She was pretty nice. Funny how she seems to care then I was thinking again what I had in me to make people care so much. I think it's not so much me, but other people. Other people are good and can survive in this world. I on the other hand am selfish and uncaring, even if people think I'm caring. Perhaps I care, but I don't notice it. Perhaps I focus more on the more unpleasant bits about myself and others. I'm not trying to be bitter here, and I'm not trying to hint about anything. I'm just thinking.

Geography was ok, though I thought the paper was really unfair. Human Geography went pretty ok. Had reasonably much to say, enjoyed writing in my new handwriting, and nearly wrote a GP-essay answer. I think I ended up writing a GP essay though. I hope there's not much of a difference. I realise that Geography is really a well-rounded subject (the teachers are well-rounded too LOL) in that it covers a lot of areas of study. It's quite a cross between Arts and Science. On one hand you get to talk about Arts topics such as questions pertaining to humanity, and you get to write a nice essay, but on the other hand you study things like chemistry (minerals) and physics (mass movement). You study biology (ecosystems) and so many other subjects you could think of. Anyway, I felt that the Physical Geography component of the paper wasn't well-set. The data response question was on Succession, Lecture 1, the lecture which the teacher deemed the least important for the last block test. The essay question was on mid-oceanic ridges, Lecture 2 for the next topic. I thought that the topics were pretty unbalanced. I mean, for someone who only studied Lecture 1 and 2 in detail, they would be pretty blessed but how about those who painstakingly tried to do all the rest of the lectures and ended up having a rough idea of everything? And to think that almost the ENTIRE topic of Rocks and Landforms wasn't tested. I felt that Human Geography was not very well-set too, based on one main topic, but at least the topics occur in the middle and not at the beginning or end of the lecture notes series, and Human Geography is a lot more diverse. Now I realise why people like Human Geography. It's a lot easier to think and analyse. It's more GP. Physical Geography is a lot of facts. What are the main features of a mid-oceanic ridge? (12 marks) How would I know unless I studied it in detail? I'm glad I managed to recall enough of everything to produce a decent answer for Physical Geography though. My hope is at least an 'O' level pass. For some reason, my rival didn't come today to take the paper. The teachers looked worried too. -wonders what is going on- but it did make me in a much better mood because I didn't have to see her confident and studious look. After all, I AM geographygirl, always have and always will be. I'm trying as hard as I can to hold on to Geography (of all subjects) and not drop it, and eventually do well. A pity past results haven't been reflecting what I believe is aptitude for the subject. I think it's because I haven't been studying hard enough, haven't been reading the readings. Must ask Kie Zin (senior) how he copes with Geography. I think it's brilliant if people can actually do well at Geography at 'A' level, because it's tough. Was talking to Pei Yu and she says she can do History at 'O' level but not at 'A' level. How true. I wonder if this is true of the sciences.

Apparently De Wen didn't do as expected for F. Maths too. Oh well...I guess sometimes we have to see how the whole cohort performs then since a paper may be totally a killer. I wonder if there will be moderation. I believe there was for Economics the last time. Anyway, hung out with De Wen and Roger at the canteen for a while, and decided to eat the Double Fudge cookie I bought for my brother since it was a little crushed. And no, that's not an excuse I'm cooking up for eating it. I found out Mos Burger cookies taste really good. One day I'm going to take Chooi Mei out to sample Famous Amos, Mos Burger and Mrs. Fields. Funny how I associate cookies with her. :)

Went for the New South Wales English Competition. It was too easy I wanted more of a challenge. Let's look at the results though. It's weird that the competition is made up mostly of comprehension passages. Was quite proud of myself for reading through all the passages, and enjoyed looking at the colour pictures. No wonder we pay so much for the exam. I wonder why the government bothers to pay the $6 for us. Judging from experience, not many people are interested in this competition. I remember just a few of us from my class went to the one in Secondary 4. Funny how I miss my GP tutor somewhat. I think she's one person I can really connect to. Have been thinking about her.

Went to Yong Chye Chicken Rice for Hor Fun (ironically) after school with De Wen. He ordered Chicken Rice. I was pretty deep in thought there. Have been pretty deep in thought lately. I don't know if it's just me, but I've been thinking a lot regarding our relationship. I don't know if a relationship is supposed to be like that, but I know my last one was like that and I hated it partly because it was like that. It was an almost upset of my freedom. It's not so much I don't want/like to spend time with him but the thing is, I have my own life too. I don't want to devote my time and energy to the extent of meeting every day etc. Perhaps I will feel lonely if we don't, but I have got to learn, and I feel guilty for not spending time with my friends. I hardly hang out at the class bench anymore, and my classmates always see me around with him. Won't they get jealous? That time Xin Yi called up I was going out with him. Wasn't she crushed? Pei Yu meets me so often nowadays and she ALWAYS sees me with him. I can see she's not comfortable. It's almost as if he is me and I am him. I feel restricted and confined. It's not like I want to end the relationship, but I realise I'm starting not to like certain aspects of it, and we have got to either make some changes I deem necessary or totally end the thing. I've been thinking long and hard. Maybe I can't give what I'm supposed to give. Maybe I can't love like I'm supposed to love. I'm selfish. Even with Xin Yi last time. Yes, I like her a lot as a best friend. But there were certain things I did in Secondary 4 too. If she didn't want to do something but I did, I would do it alone. I feel that just because you're with a person, whether it's your friend or boyfriend or relative, doesn't mean you have to follow them all the time. If you want something else, fine. Some things should be compromised. You do want to please your friend. Things that you don't deem as important should sometimes be compromised or sacrificed for the other person's sake. This I have done. The thing is, things that are important. Things that I've deemed important. I guess I should assert my independence more. Sometimes I wonder what guys like in me. Why do they always give in to me? Why do they always treat me like a princess? It's not I don't like it, but it's weird that quite a lot of guys are willing to sacrifice a lot for me. They do things for me, they have initiative (yes, De Wen does too) and they just try to make you happy. I wonder why I can't do that in return. I don't love because someone first loves. I don't care because someone first cares. I love, and I care, at my own pace, at my own time. I don't really care about others. True I get hurt. True I sometimes go into stages of pining. Still, at the end of it, when the time comes to give up, I will. And I've been hanging on.

Been quite sick lately, especially today. Don't know what's wrong with my stomach. Even if people think I'm joking, I'm not. I seriously suspect something much worse than the occasional stomachache. Not when you get it more than once a day. Not when you seriously have to go to the toilet. I won't go into the characteristics of waste material, but I seriously suspect something wrong. I had a strange feeling I would go to sleep and never wake up today, and if people still think I'm joking, I'm not. My head was hurting too, and this hurt has been climaxing (reminds me of succession). It seems like there's pressure on the back of my head. Water accumulating at the back of my head? Perhaps sinus. I did a check on myself, my cheeks. Yes, it's sinus. Mild sinus though but I'm not sure about the head thing. Slept from 2 to 6 thankfully. Now I still feel sick. When I sneeze and blow my nose I feel sick (sick like I need to see a doctor) and I've a feeling I'm running a fever now. I feel a lot better mentally (not physically) that my Geography paper is finally over. Was smiling when I came out to the astonishment of my classmates because Geography has always been a major part of any block test and a major obstacle to overcome. And it has been overcome. I hope I will recover soon from my sickness. Funny how I think it will drag. I've been sick a lot recently, but especially sick after I came back from OBS. Saw a lot of Aedes mosquitoes there...perhaps it's malaria? Even my arm feels so warm when I'm scratching it.

Came out of the shower today and looked into the mirror as usual. My bathing habits are funny. Then I saw blood coming out of two pimples. I wonder why since I didn't deliberately break them. I was quite intrigued and stared at them for a while. Funny how the blood oozing from one pimple was quite cytoplasmic i.e. light red mixed with water-coloured, and the blood was minimal, while the other pimple had blood oozing out a lot faster, and was dark red. Big drop. Made me think of a lot of images related to pain, suffering and violence. I think I'm weird.

Maths tomorrow. Will slack awhile though. Don't place a lot of importance on Maths. Must try to get a high A though because I was promised that the last time.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, June 25, 2002 07:27 p.m.

I like to scratch my skin to make every single healing hole bleed. I wonder why... Staring at the blood makes me feel better and when the skin recovers I can start all over again.

I'm going senile soon. My grandmother just sits at her same spot day after day staring ahead with her glassy eyes. It's freaky. I still fear she will hurt me. Yesterday I heard a door opening and closing.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, June 24, 2002 10:42 p.m.

I'm selfish, confused and sad, and don't know what's wrong. Or maybe I don't want to know. Maybe I'm too tired to know. I will go to sleep NOW. And wake up goodness knows when to study. Good luck to me. Amazing how fast time flies.

And I'm sorry jie for overlooking your problems. I guess I wasn't close enough. And I didn't act like a good mei. Take care and God bless. Good luck for your exams.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, June 24, 2002 10:39 p.m.

Just reached home and washed up. I hope I will have the discipline to do what I need to do (for personal pleasure) here before I continue my Geography revision. Coming up here is already giving in to temptation, but I really want to do it. Hopefully my Geography revision will work out. I won't be sleeping for a while anyway since my hair is still wet from my bath.

My brother is sound asleep. Was sound asleep the moment I came back. My mother says he's really tired, and everyone else is too because it's the first day of school. Guess it must be really hard getting used to the whole school routine again. For me, I was tired because I only managed to start and finish studying my Economics notes early in the morning. Thankfully I was only tested on Production and Costs for essay. Since I was pretty consistent in my work for the previous 8 lecture notes which would be tested via MCQ, I focused my energy on studying lectures 9-11 in greater detail. I managed to study from 4 to about 5.30a.m., with on and off periods, and some periods of sleep. I realise that I really need and value sleep.

The revision of my concepts paid off though and sitting for the GP paper (I read 3 GP sample essays to revise for GP) and Economics was quite ok, with the exception of the fact that I was close to falling asleep. I didn't have enough sleep last night, albeit a few hours, but tonight will be much worse. At present I still have 8 Human Geography lecture notes and 14 Physical Geography lecture notes to study. I think I will study Rocks and Landforms (new topic) before doing Population Geography (new topic), followed by Tropical Ecosystems and Their Management (old topic) and Tourism Geography (old topic). That way I get a balance of Human and Physical Geography and concentrate more on the new topics that will most likely be tested. I did study some Rocks and Landforms notes the other day but it seems I've forgotten everything. Hopefully with a greater interest in Physical Geography and a comfortable bed, my productivity will increase to its maximum capability. I only managed to study 5 Human Geography lecture notes during my time at school.

I was perhaps grateful for De Wen's company today as I was revising, but I felt understandably frustrated at him for making such a sacrifice. It felt to me that he was wasting his time. Why, he only had GP today and could have gone home at 11, but after lunch he chose instead to do a limited amount of studying while waiting until 3 for me to finish my Economics paper, and then went out for dinner with me from 4.30 to 6 before sleeping while I was studying, and doing one question of Physics. I don't know how he felt, but I thought that was really low productivity, and besides, I couldn't give him much attention as I was busy studying for Economics and Geography. I was studying most of the time he was sleeping, pushing myself, struggling to keep awake. My productivity was not very high, but I feel that my studying method was right. I think all I need to do is to maximize productivity and move faster.

I bought a cookie from Mos Burger today... a double fudge one. It looks really cool. I wanted to share it with my brother, but since he's sleeping, I think I will just leave it on his table and leave a note. I don't know why, but I love him so much, and when I look at certain things in shops, I think of buying them for him just because he likes it. I think that's what love should be about. A pity I don't seem to be able to love others. I seem to be living a lie. I don't even know how I feel about others anymore. I seem detached from this world. Once again, apart from my brother, I don't feel connected to anyone else here. Maybe I talk to my parents and friends, but I don't feel connected to anyone else in the same way. It's weird the things people have to do to get me to appreciate them but all my brother needs to do is be there.

Anyway, will read everyone's blog quickly and hopefully get the e-mail I've been waiting for. Good luck for my Geog...I pray I survive tonight and don't die out tomorrow. Today has been pretty depressing, and continues to look bleak. My mother suggests I don't study and just go to sleep. I wonder why. Doesn't she know that if I score an F for Geography again 40% of my final results will be F? I guess she values my health more. Perhaps I will do some studying and go to sleep at 12? Or 2? I don't know.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, June 24, 2002 10:14 p.m.

Done the personality tests...All of them. Nothing much to say. Too bothered by depression. I'm going to study now. Finally.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, June 23, 2002 10:05 p.m.

Pray for me that I'll have the determination to do well in my block tests, that I'll be closer to Christ, and that I'll recover from my mental depression. Pray that my health will recover...It's failing because I'm pushing myself in the wrong areas and because I can't get used to this world. I'm having stomachaches very often and needing to go to the toilet. I wonder what's wrong with me. Something's wrong.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, June 23, 2002 10:03 p.m.

I'm hurting a lot and I don't know why. Maybe I just don't want to think about it because if I think about it I will cry. I already feel like crying.

It scares me. The two ghost stories that Kel and Ailin told me are still in my head. I shouldn't have acted brave and listened to them, knowing that I remember ghost stories. Now I'm thoroughly freaked out, and I'm freaked out by today's sermon too.

I fear everything. Being alone, being watched, senility...

My grandmother's senile...and I don't want her to hurt me. She just may hurt me.

:( -cries- I need help. I need help...

HELP...If anyone still hears and treats me seriously...I know a lot of people think I'm joking.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, June 23, 2002 10:00 p.m.

Will De Wen do this to me? It sounds so real...and so...scary. :( The whole Ted Hughes-Sylvia Plath thing is coming back to me.

which song of staywhatyouare are you? find out!

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, June 23, 2002 08:12 p.m.

A few random thoughts. I'm too tired and lazy to blog in full.

Search Google for christiney2k and you get a link to my site. Wow.

I think someone forgot me. Never mind. Guess there wasn't anything to start with and I shouldn't be bothered. Guess I shouldn't bother to care about what people do to me and start helping people more instead since I have the gift of helping and giving and I get disappointed with the kind of help people give me sometimes too. I know I do appreciate a lot of things people do (I consider myself easy to please) but there are certain things I have high expectations of and after hinting and blatantly letting that person know to no avail I have finally given up. So you don't get it. Never mind. You have your own life and I have mine and let's go our separate ways. I bet you don't even know what's going on with me. I cared and you didn't. You probably had your own share of problems but surely you could have shown some concern for me? I don't know. Perhaps I expect people to do so much.

Please take me seriously. I don't joke. When I mean I'm quitting something, I really will. And from experience, I believe myself capable and attractive enough to be given opportunities in certain areas. And you're seriously missing out if you don't use my talent.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, June 23, 2002 12:01 a.m.

Never mind...I created another quiz. I had so many questions to ask but only 10 questions to pick.

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Saturday, June 22, 2002 11:34 p.m.

I admit this quiz is difficult for those who don't know my a1 style well. Just try it. I wanted to make a personal quiz but had a block and just kept thinking a1.

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Saturday, June 22, 2002 11:18 p.m.

I was thinking of going to sleep because I'm just so exhausted and my mother has been asking me to rest but the thing is I have no time! Seriously. I have too many things to do. Perhaps I shall try to rush through everything tonight. But then again, when do I not rush?

I think I will not blog tonight though because I'm too tired.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Saturday, June 22, 2002 10:49 p.m.

I woke up close to 10a.m. this morning. Must be the sleeping at 4a.m. that did that to me. Normally I don't wake up that late. Still...I managed to sleep only 5 hours which means I've gained time (or so I believe). I wouldn't have woken up if not for Xin Yi calling me though, which I totally appreciate.

I did more personality tests this morning and will be meeting Xin Yi at 11.30a.m. later at Jurong Point Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. It should be a nice meeting. Heard she's got something to tell me and I should enjoy telling her about OBS too. Everyone wants to know about OBS so I should quickly finish my report! Too busy though as usual.

I might want to study in the library for a while before I go for LTF. I did so want to finish up the personality tests but Chooi Mei does so much I just can't keep up. LOL Go Chooi Mei! :) Perhaps I'll manage to study more out of Geography though. I really want to sit down and study. I think I will listen to music on the bus. It's quite pathetic studying on the bus...almost showing that one has no life.

I'm thinking of doing a quiz at QuizYourFriends.com. Still haven't found the link from Alanna's site. Will try to come up with questions but I think the questions are too easy. Duh...because I know myself. I wonder how people will fare.

I haven't told you about my parents coming back from HK yet. They spent about 4-5 days there on my father's business trip (I think) during the time I was away at OBS. It was a good break for the family, I feel, because it gave everyone a chance to get away, settle differences and come back and have something to talk about. My mother also got me a lot of gifts and I really appreciate how thoughtful they are. She got me 3 BLUE shirts, 1 BLUE set of pyjamas, 1 red set of pyjamas, 1 BLUE bag, 1 BLUE Miffy (go Miffy!!!) handphone accessory (I've been wanting a handphone accessory but I didn't tell her)! Cool, and my mother is another bargain hunter like me e.g. my shirts cost an average of SGD$5 each and my handphone accessory is nice but only costs about SGD$2. The bag was straight and cool. The only thing I didn't really like were the bright red pyjamas but I liked the fact they were sleeveless and my BLUE shirts are just about sleeveless too!!!

And I must thank De Wen here for giving me that nice flower. :) Thanks dear. I really didn't expect it. That was SOOO thoughtful of you. I never make hints as to what I like because I hate making people obliged to get things for me.

Do people really know me well? Have I been underestimating their ability to understand me?

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Saturday, June 22, 2002 11:08 a.m.

Check out the whole lot of personality tests that I did. Plus I got more updated on Ailin, Chooi Mei and Wen Bing's blogs. Very productive and proud of myself. Would have continued but a) I'm tired to the point of woozy eyes and b) I need to go to the toilet...AGAIN. Funny after OBS I'm spending a lot more time in the toilet. Guess I can't get used to civilised food.

Managed to play Big2 for a while with Du Shen, Wen Bing and Chooi Mei, and later with another 'Burnz' person. Cool. Love tonight. Maybe I'll go to sleep and wake up early tomorrow. Don't wanna konk out during block tests but I seriously have no time. I need to allocate time for fun cum work too. Now everything is combined. Even fun and work come together. Perhaps I should go for LTF tomorrow though. I need some spiritual refreshment. Maybe I'll go to school and then LTF?

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Saturday, June 22, 2002 04:28 a.m.

Thanks to spotsey who posted our class photo on her blog! It's here and the link is also on the left-hand sidebar. I made some changes there too.

Perhaps you can enjoy refreshing your memory on what I looked like with short hair. The namelist is given so you can actually see who I am without guessing.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, June 21, 2002 11:20 p.m.

Productivity was low last night and this morning but high at the moment. I'm doing a lot online.

Managed to find a nice graphic for my long-overdue layout. Paint Shop Pro had an error though otherwise I could have tried to get it edited. Don't know how people like Chooi Mei and actually any other decent-looking layout person can do layouts. Must view their HTML sometime and try to improvise.

Am updated with all the blogs except for Grace's and [k]'s. I'm trying to read as many blogs as I can and I've got lots to comment but no time and not enough memory to remember what I want to comment on. If I commented as much as I could on each issue I would have to have a very long blog. Unfortunately I'm unable to read Grace and [k]'s blogs currently due to my lack of time. Besides I don't really know them even though I know that people who don't know me do read my blog.

I realise how much I actually benefit from reading blogs. Because of my compassionate nature, I can relate to a lot of things and there are certain things people say in their blogs that touch me a lot. I am especially comforted by Christine's blog because it's Christian. Either I've changed or somehow Christine's way of putting things makes me more open to Christianity than De Wen's way of putting things (no offense, De Wen). It's just a matter of how different people relate to different things and it can't be controlled, so I'm glad that I'm able to be encouraged and more close with my friends through reading their blogs. Now I'm hoping Xin Yi will get a blog even though we get to talk a lot more regularly than I talk to most people.

Got to talk to my mother for quite a while and a bit with my dad. My relationship with my family is getting a lot better and I'm treating my maid a lot better too. Guess the days away at camp gave me time to think and reflect on the way I've been behaving in general, the people around me, and when I came home I got the opportunity to start afresh after not having seen these people for so long.

I swear De Wen is looking more handsome as the day goes by. I don't know why though. I'm still afraid to love, I guess, but I'm trying.

Went to school this afternoon to study and to talk to De Wen. Somehow it was a combination of both a social and work activity as usual since I've no time. Managed to talk a lot with him. Nearly cried during one moment and wanted to stop him from saying something but I managed to control my tears and he didn't exactly move too fast. Sometimes I guess I avoid talking about certain issues because I don't want to cry. That was the reason I didn't share a lot with my watchmates during OBS. I just couldn't. I cry easily and I will cry if I am touched too much. The thing is...I'm also afraid to cry.

My GP tutor wants to see me. She left a voice-mail on my handphone. De Wen suggests I call her but I don't want to because I feel it's not good to call a teacher's home and intrude into her personal life. Tried to reach her this morning at school but she wasn't in. I think I might find time during the block test week to see her. I'm afraid she might say something that will make me cry though. Perhaps you may be astonished to find out that I cried nearly every day of OBS for a great many reasons. I'm working on my OBS report so stay tuned for it.

Will do more quizzes and maybe get to play Big2 with Wen Bing, Chrissie and Chooi Mei if they want to play. Really want to enjoy. Got a copy of Teenage yesterday but I haven't even looked inside the main magazine. Must find time to relax. I was pretty amused at some of the smses I got. Even my mother wants me to relax. And I do things so fast I get so tired. The moment I reach home I run to the dining room and grab a snack, run upstairs while preparing the snack to eat, open my door with one hand, run in, put my snack on the table and throw my stuff on the floor with one hand and switch on the computer with the other hand in a split second, grab pyjamas with the other hand again, run to the toilet, bathe, run back, and start work since the computer has loaded. Find time to eat the snack in between everything else. This is what I seriously do when I reach home. And I manage to forget I have blisters on my feet. Slow down Esther.

There was this verse that touched me a lot though. The one that goes 'Look at the birds; they do not sow seeds, gather a harvest and put it in barns; yet your Father in heaven takes care of them! Aren't you worth much more than birds? Can any of you live a bit longer by worrying about it? And why worry about clothes? Look how the wild flowers grow: they do not work or make clothes for themselves. But I tell you that not even King Solomon with all his wealth had clothes as beautiful as one of these flowers. It is God who clothes the wild grass -- grass that is here today and gone tomorrow, burnt up in the oven. Won't he be all the more sure to clothe you? How little faith you have!' that Christine posted on her blog. Maybe I shouldn't worry too much.

I am a good counsellor and encourager and I want to be one.

Will post more about what happened soon...hopefully. Meanwhile I might try to catch up on personality tests. I love those but I love those quizzes where I can elaborate on my answers more.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, June 21, 2002 10:55 p.m.

Have added Ayumi and Wen Bing to my links. Please view their blogs if you can. I am TRYING to make time.

Going for dinner now and coming back hopefully soon to blog again. Been rushing around but feel quite accomplished at what I've managed to do. Now you know why people are amazed at my typing speed...

No time no time no time

...

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, June 21, 2002 07:51 p.m.

Did some quizzes off Chooi Mei's site. Taken from Friday Five.

Quiz One

1. Do you live in a house, an apartment or a condo?
A house. Used to wish I lived in a condo because of the facilities but I'm glad to have quite a big personal room and toilet as well as a nice garden and plenty of space. Plus my address is pretty short without all the apartment block and unit numbers.

2. Do you rent or own?
Own. My family is planning to migrate to Melbourne, Australia in the future though.

3. Does anyone else live with you?
My parents, my younger brother, my grandmother and my maid.

4. How many times have you moved in your life?
I used to live in an apartment, then shortly after my brother was born we moved to my present house. But I did spend a year in America in different apartments before moving back to Singapore.

5. What are your plans for this weekend?
Study work, and go online like I do all the time.

Quiz Two

1. Laying on your back and facing the ceiling, which side of the bed do you sleep on?
I lie on my left and face the right because the left is a wall and the right is a window. Don't like to have things behind me.

2. Do you have to have covers (blankets and/or sheets) at all costs, no matter the weather?
Yes. I switch on the air-conditioning every night so it gets pretty cold but even if it were hot I would still have a covering at least for my feet because I like the comfort it provides.

3. Sleep nekkid or no? Why?
Not normally but there were a few times it was hot so I took off my top. My mother wasn't very happy about it though. I personally like sleeping naked or at least wearing sleeveless. I think I look beautiful that way. I don't button up when I sleep though.

4. What's under your bed?
A mattress on a roller. My grandmother used to sleep in my room with me.

5. If you have pets, do you let them sleep with you? Why or why not?
I don't have pets. Probably no though. My bed is pretty free of toys etc. because I like to move around freely.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, June 21, 2002 07:22 p.m.

I just want to say something here directed to everyone and no one in particular. It's your blog. Do whatever you want with it. You have no obligation to anyone to write anything. It's up to you and it's your own choice to write whatever. You can write swear words, post nude photos. It's up to you. People shouldn't criticise and should leave if they don't like it. Blogging is for an individual and the readers to develop by discovering more about a special unique life. So be true to yourself and write what you feel like writing and omit what you don't feel like writing. For a reader, if you don't like what a person is writing, either leave or talk to the person gently. Don't criticise and please be sensitive. Sometimes the person doesn't mean what he's saying in reference to you. And another thing, please do not compare blogs. I know my blog is a lot plainer than other blogs objectively speaking because I simply don't have the time to create layouts and graphics and no time to learn how to do them either. I spend my time instead blogging because I place more value on blogging more than being more 'balanced'. I'm saying this because I'm observing certain things in different people. It's not one person. I feel I should just state my stand on blogging but it's only my personal opinion which can be refuted.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, June 21, 2002 11:37 a.m.

Enjoyed reading the RJC review on Mei's blog and HCJC review from the JC guide as well as checking all the more than 200 mail I had...most of which were junk mail or chain mail. I like the friendship chain mail.

I must be less strict with myself. I think I have a serious mental problem. I'm not joking.

Anyway, enjoy this quote and explain it to me if you can. I can't understand it. It's from someone called Max Lucado.

God�s questions aren�t intended to teach; they are intended to stun. They aren�t intended to enlighten; they are intended to awaken. They aren�t intended to stir the mind; they are intended to bend to knees.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, June 21, 2002 11:34 a.m.

I'm back from OBS. Thought I wanted to write out a whole report on OBS but it took so long I'm still not ready with it. I've only finished Day One of typing that blog! I'll be posting it soon, hopefully, but I know what a procrastinator I am.

Am feeling quite sad but I feel I have a duty to everyone to make sure they're feeling ok. I realise that I cry very easily, especially when I think about my sadness. Is it escapism if I forget about my problems though? Or should I try to settle them?

Some social blogging here:

Alanna jie, I can't find your quiz. Have you taken it off? Have read your blog.

Chooi Mei, glad you had a great time of tv and relaxation. Really like your new Sarah Michelle Gellar layout and your desktop. Your desktop is blue!!! Yippee! I think you're a genius at layouts and graphics. Have read your blog.

De Wen...had a great time with you last night. Long-awaited hug?! Have read your blog.

Jillz, it's cool that you're taking positive steps to making yourself more happy. Talk to me if you need to and don't be afraid that you're influencing me in anyway. I'm here to help and more than ready. E-mail me if you need to k?

Christine, I haven't read your blog yet. Sorry...will get to it as soon as possible ok?

Congratulations Bingz on getting a new blog. Have not even gone to your site yet but will try. Sigh...so much work to do and so little time. And I've not even started on my block test revisions.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, June 21, 2002 11:24 a.m.

Take care all.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 01:50 a.m.

Didn't realise it was so early. I mean it isn't even 2a.m.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 01:49 a.m.

Cried a little and smiled a wide smile. Not on purpose. Seriously.

Cried when Chooi Mei asked me if I was ok. I always get touched when people ask.

Just thought I'd post this so people won't worry about me. It's ok. Seriously. It was just a cycle of depression. I'm ok.

See ya in 9 days.

It's amazing the little things people do that cheer me up. -thinks of the face De Wen drew and Chooi Mei coming back to my blog thinking of the picture I was looking for- Thanks people. I would like to say that you'll never know how much I appreciated that but then...as my GP tutor says, I underestimate people sometimes.

Sorry for making you worry. I will survive.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 01:44 a.m.

I'm selfish and not doing anything about it. And I am thinking of suicide now yet remembering I am worth something. About time I thought that too.

Headache. Should sleep before I die tomorrow.

Don't worry about me. I'll be FINE. I won't die. I love everyone else too much to die. It's funny how I care and try not to care. Or I don't care and try to care. Or I care. Or I don't care. Whatever. Seriously...don't worry. I won't make people's lives miserable, even though I am making their lives miserably now.

See ya in heaven. Or will I even go to heaven?

Nah...thinking weird thoughts again... -heart calming down- Realises I have been frowning. Sigh... will miss you all.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 01:37 a.m.

This is like the 5th time I'm crying in a day? GOSH...

-cries-

-wonders how I cry at such INSIGNIFICANT problems when other people are going through so much more and people actually tell me not to cry and I get so touched I cry more-

I am SERIOUSLY going mad. Maybe it's not my senile grandma who should be locked in Woodbridge but me. It's always that way. I always adopt the me-first attitude and everyone else is normal...except me. The reason I'm running away from everything and not coping well is because of me and not other people. It's my problem.

I know it's hard to say this, and despite feeling otherwise I say, please don't worry about me.

-feels like pushing herself until she dies at OBS- Seriously.

Why don't I ever feel that I am important to people? No..I do feel that...but...

Sigh...I'm such a contradiction.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 01:33 a.m.

Wouldn't you know...I am a CHRISTIAN and a COUNCILLOR and a STUDENT. (And a DAUGHTER and a GIRLFRIEND and a FRIEND and a...)

No one will ever trust me again. And I'm supposed to be carrying the image of CHRIST, of COUNCIL, of the SCHOOL, of my PARENTS, of DE WEN, of ALL MY FRIENDS and what did I do?

Leave me. I'm not what you think I am. I'm not THAT good. I'm NOT sweet and cute. I'm NOT mature. I'm NOTHING.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 01:30 a.m.

Now I am SO embarrassed. This could jeapordise everything. And no one really understands me ANYWAY. They won't sympathise. They won't care. They will just read this and swear at me and leave.

And they have every right to.

And now I'm thinking, 'Go ahead and leave', forgetting it was everyone else who supported me in the first place. Do you still support me though? Do you? Why is it that whenever I'm behaving like that everyone else still loves me so much? Huh? Am I that deserving? Or is it pity?

Sorry...sorry...sorry for behaving like this.

I'm going mad but I will not delete my entries.

Leave me alone. I just need time to cool down.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 01:25 a.m.

-refrains from swearing- And you thought I was good huh?!?!?! This is in reference to NO INDIVIDUAL.

I'm going positively mad now. -swings hiney whomper and gets reminded of AAA guild council, then hits herself and DIES-

LEAVE ME ALONE

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!

Hahaha...wait until I get a solo night and I'll regret I'm being left alone.

-swears in brain-

-cries-

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 01:21 a.m.

I said I'd stay up until 1 and I did. Go me. :)

I'm mad. Completely. And I'm too innocent. Now I'm thinking of the new bra I tried on today. I've been wearing kid bras since eons ago but I had to wear this adult-looking thing today because there was no more in my cupboard. And I hate it so much. It restricts so much, and I don't want to grow up.

And I don't even know what is PMS. Believe it or not.

And did ya know that I've not had my period this month?!?!?!?! Am I stressed or what? And did ya know that I haven't been having a normal one last month? Am I stressed or what?

This is SO EXPLICIT. But I figure if (a) I'm going to die at OBS, (b) if such explicit stuff (in a guy's perspective) is placed in a Chinese book that is recommended by my Secondary 4 Chinese teacher, (c) this is MY BLOG and I'm a selfish person who doesn't care, then I should just post everything here. Go ahead and get angry with me. I'm mood-swinging. Leave me alone. I'm not worth caring for.

And it had BETTER NOT come when I'm in OBS.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 01:14 a.m.

I wanted to prove myself wrong but I realise the results speak for themselves. I AM a bitch. I always have been. I suspected it a long time ago but I never had the responsibility to look the word up. Maybe I should brush up on my English.

bitch Pronunciation Key (bch)
n.
A female canine animal, especially a dog.
Offensive.
A woman considered to be spiteful or overbearing.
A lewd woman.
A man considered to be weak or contemptible.
Slang. A complaint.
Slang. Something very unpleasant or difficult.

lewd Pronunciation Key (ld)
adj. lewd�er, lewd�est
Preoccupied with sex and sexual desire; lustful.
Obscene; indecent.

con�tempt�i�ble Pronunciation Key (kn-tmpt-bl)
adj.
Deserving of contempt; despicable.
Obsolete. Contemptuous.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 01:10 a.m.

I also forgot to say that my mother smiled and told me she was proud of me today e.g. for making the hard decision of quitting NeoPets. And she convinced me to stay in my present church for a lot of reasons.

Am feeling like I'm a rotten jerk now. I think I'm so great but actually I'm just a piece of shit. Uh...sorry...didn't think my language would get so bad. I'm such a priss and maybe I should start searching the dictionary for the meaning of 'bitch'. I can't be bothered, but I don't think I've been treating other people right. And I'm STILL not treating other people right.

Going to bed now. Tired. Will need to wake up early tomorrow. See everyone in 9 days. Thanks for loving me and I love you all.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 01:04 a.m.

Sigh...

Forgot to mention that my mother was so sorry she'd be back later than me and wouldn't be able to pick me up from OBS. Despite me saying over and over again that I'd be ok, she still offered again and again to pick me up, and then my parents told me to take a taxi home.

Yexiang smsed too...a few long smses. Will miss him, miss De Wen, miss Xin Yi, miss Chooi Mei...miss everyone I care for. Very tired from crying and my back's aching.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 12, 2002 12:43 a.m.

My ear aches from blowing my nose so much, my cheeks are tear-stained from tears flowing freely, and my eyes are wet with crying. Someone hasn't hurt me. Someone has touched me.

Went out with my mother today. It was amazing, the initiative and everything she did just emphasised that she loved me. She let me choose where to go (between Clementi and IMM, I chose Clementi). Then, she brought me to Coffee Bean without my asking for it, she bought me my usual cup of $5 and offered to get me a cake (Chocolate Swirl Cheese Cake which was fantastic), and we sat down for a long time and talked (she asked me to update on my life) and she was so interested in what was going on with me. I found I just told her everything, and we laughed together, things we haven't done in so long. -cries-

After that, we went shopping. You'd think Clementi had no place to shop, which was what I thought at first, even though I knew the place well. Still, we spent over $200. She spared no expense in buying me nice blue Puma branded shoes costing $69 which are so light I can't wait to run in them, and asked me if I wanted a bag or pencil case (I said no because I didn't really like those on display though). We also went to Giordano and got 2 t-shirts, 2 pairs of blue shorts, and one blue coat which I'll be wearing to school when school reopens. Don't really like the not-so-smart look of my Nanyang coat.

Then we went shopping around for OBS stuff, and she bought me pens. She actually offered and I happened to need pens. Then I remembered I haven't sent in my photo to the Red Cross Training Centre and she went with me to get my photo taken. It wasn't a very nice photo because I wasn't smiling and my head was tilted though. Still she offered to send it in for me when I was panicking. We also managed to go to NTUC for some shopping and there she asked me if I wanted snacks to bring to OBS (to which I told her that OBS didn't allow snacks).

Even though she had homework to do, she didn't scold me for disturbing her time and again during my packing. I happened to get really sick of packing and got a little frustrated, but she just encouraged me and laughed along. After offering to do a last check on all the items, and actually doing a last check on items and repacking for me because I was too tired of packing to touch my items again, she went back to her room. Then I went to my parents' room and decided to hug my parents before I left. It was a hug that I really needed, and a hug that was long overdue. My dad actually smiled tonight and suggested powder etc...talked about football. Then they talked about two girls around my age who recently and mysteriously died. I feel worried I may not come back alive and well now. My parents told me not to push myself too hard.

As I was leaving the room, my mother told me she'd be praying for me and missing me. Went back to my room and thought about how this may be the last time I'll be seeing them, especially since they're going to Hong Kong during my absence too. Then I realised I never said I loved them and I may never get to say it. I didn't feel comfortable saying it though...I never do. Locked the door until my mother knocked and I wiped my tears and made myself look presentable. She told me not to lock so she could wake me up tomorrow (another symbol of love) but after a while I locked up anyway because I was crying harder.

This love meant so much to me. And I joined council partly to stay away from home (put it as the last of my priorities on the council nomination form), and my mother signed my form even though she disapproved. Every little thing she does reminds me of her love, the way she nagged and put a smile at the end of every sms to show she cared, the way she looked at the little things, told me how I should put an extra pad in my bag side pocket just in case, told me to bring extra things just in case they got dirty, gave me a warm coat just in case I was cold...

I really miss this love. And now that I've got evidence of it I am touched to the point of crying. And I feel so selfish. To think I got irritated when I was woken up today because my mother found out that her course ended early today and she could go out with me earlier. To think now she's working so hard completing her homework so she can prepare for the next lesson of the course tomorrow. And do I think I'm busy? Look at my parents...they're still working!

Gosh...I've been so selfish.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, June 11, 2002 11:31 p.m.

Please pray that a) I will stop crying or b) that my parents won't come into my room anytime soon.

I'm crying very hard now and I don't want them to see me cry.

I had a good day. Really I did. I will post more later.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, June 11, 2002 11:26 p.m.

Oh my goodness JILLZ!!!

I'm so sorry for not caring, for not understanding enough. Believe it or not I just FOUND your blog. Perhaps these past few weeks of personal stress have resulted in me neglecting the people who need love the most, and I am terribly sorry for being insensitive and distant.

Sorry my dear. I hope you feel better soon. Just remember I'm here for you if you need me, and I trust that your friends and I won't ever forsake you just because you take things out on them. We care, and we want you to be happy. Your feelings are totally understandable.

I will read your blog more often. There's a lot I've been missing out on.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, June 11, 2002 03:17 p.m.

Saw this on a site. I so love poetry.

Paint me evil,
paint me cruel,
say I broke every rule
Make him feel that he's a fool,
for his loving me

This is EXACTLY what I did to De Wen at the beginning. Why on earth didn't he back off? -confused-

My mother is actually very nice, only she keeps listening to my dad and acting against me whenever she's with him. She sends me nice smses with smiley faces, and later she's taking me out for Coffee Bean and shopping. Yippee! There is so much to buy for OBS.

Hopes to get some sleep and act in my imagination before then. Want to play the piano but my brother and his friend are STILL playing Playstation downstairs.

This is my ideal day. A SLACK day, with some work in between (e.g. packing, some Maths, council).

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, June 11, 2002 03:00 p.m.

Perhaps someone could direct me to a:

(1) HTML colour palette ->tried searching but couldn't find it
(2) A picture of a drooping leaf with a drop of water dripping off ->not happy with current leaf graphics
(3) A picture of a DARK fantasy castle ->cannot find at all! Doesn't anyone believe in fantasy?
(4) An affordable and good photography course for the photojournalists ->can you believe neither of the polytechnic websites have these? -wonders how to search CCs-

Thanks.

I SERVE THE DARKLORD WITH PRIDE AND LOYALTY.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, June 11, 2002 02:54 p.m.

Went to meet Pei Yu. Although I was late and she left the venue, I managed to meet her somewhere so she returned and lent me P.E. attire. I feel like wearing HC P.E. attire to OBS but I'm also bringing along two outside shirts.

My brother and his friend are downstairs playing computer games now. Thankfully I'm not in my pajamas, even though they couldn't have cared less that I was in the house. I managed to do some packing, and organise the PubCo treasury. I prefer being secretary to treasurer. Never did like working with money (even though I enjoy hunting for bargains) even though I've been treasurer thrice and subject rep every single year of secondary school, and now in JC too.

Perhaps I will be updated on personality tests, and continue searching for my leaf. Some changes have been made to my left sidebar, and I've included Ayumi's name! :)

Suddenly I feel so free. I'm actually SLACKING! Hip hip hurray.

A pity De Wen and other online friends aren't online. Perhaps when they check out my blog they'll be shocked at what they missed. It was a terrible night/day for them to miss out on my blog since I went totally mad.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, June 11, 2002 12:31 p.m.

A reminder to everyone here that I do personality tests. Please scroll down the left sidebar to see the link. I don't really post them on my main blog because I do quite a lot (-winks at Chooi Mei-).

Am going out to meet Pei Yu so she can pass me some clothes for OBS. Won't go out with her at all because I don't have the time to, unfortunately, but it'll be good to see her again. I rarely see her these days, but she'll always be my best friend in HC. I feel so lonely in class these days knowing that my best friends are either in other classes or other schools.

I know I blog a lot. Please bear with me. I'm crazy about blogging.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, June 11, 2002 10:11 a.m.

I know you can't figure out the tone here, but the tone I'm speaking to you in now is one of no expression.

It's a neutral question.

Are you jealous of me?

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, June 11, 2002 09:30 a.m.

all about U...attitude

most people dream at night, but your overactive imagination takes you to places few people have ever seen, even in the deepest of sleeps.

whether you're on the train to work, in a meeting or dining at a fine restaurant, your mind is constantly buzzing with ideas blurring fantasy and reality.

you're either on your way to becoming incredibly famous or being locked in a padded room.

all about U...lover

your love ranges from the passion of beethoven to the intricate beauty of mozart.

your relationship is based on an enduring trust and classical balance that helps you rise to the highest level of understanding and passion.

all about U...style

people look to you for fashion advice.

mixing and matching colors, doing crazy things with your hair.

you are trendy and eclectic but far removed from the mainstream. parts of your wardrobe are a blast from the past.

you are no stranger to vintage clothing.

all about U...relationships

revealing an outgoing person with multiple friends and family who enjoys the ego stroking of putting his/her best stuff on display.

may also mean that the person has eclectic taste in people (prefers groups) and does not like to be limited to monogamous relationships.

all about U...problems

how do you hide your problems in a wired world? you don't.

the skeletal structure of your handsome wiry body precludes many types of problems, which is not to say that the problems don't exist, but that your problems tend to be handled by others who are more capable and water-resistant than you.

avoidance and the cubicle mentality is your sphere. paper, paperclips, an errant pop can - the mundane details of office life pass through you.

all about U...future

your skeletal, architectural, gun-metal honed body may cause others to see you as rigid and unbending, but in your heart you remember the wild toga parties of your youth and smile.

http://www.umbra.com/room/go.html

I love my room. It's EXACTLY the room I like.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, June 11, 2002 09:17 a.m.

Everyone is unhappy. The world is screwed up. I am SO SCREWED.

I feel very selfish. I can't take it when people are upset. But I'm upset too so how can I comfort? It's worse when I know that I can't take it when people are upset but people can take it when I am upset. It's a give and no take situation.

Still...what is my goal on earth? To glorify God and to enjoy Him forever. When was the last time I read my Bible or prayed a sincere prayer to him? When was the last time I actually ENJOYED his company, and didn't feel it was a chore to go to church? The Father gave the Son for me. The Son gave Himself for me. What have I given back to them? Isn't it a give and no take situation there too? If God can do it and we should emulate his perfect behaviour, shouldn't I be doing it too? Maybe I should just forget the me-first attitude that I'm adopting again and start caring for others. Maybe I should pretend to be happy, or make myself happy so that I can help others. Maybe I should just be a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good counsellor, something I want to be (please note: counsellor, not councillor...I hate it when people misunderstand). Do my feelings matter? They shouldn't. Other people's feelings should.

I'm saying this with a slight tinge of bitterness but perhaps it will help me to help others, since people don't help me and I'm frustrated. I've got to be proactive.

But how can I help when I HATE people for not helping me? Of course I can. Don't forget I respond to cries for help unlike SOME PEOPLE.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, June 11, 2002 09:10 a.m.

I think quitting NeoPets and the guild council isn't exactly making me spend less time off the Internet, but it is making me slightly less stressed since I can choose when and what to do online instead of being restricted by work, as I've always been, however much I've enjoyed it.

I'm disillusioned. Seriously. I'm blaming everyone and I don't think people care anymore. Maybe people don't care or they don't have the time to. Either that or they don't know what to say. I'm sick of waiting for encouragement. Why do I deserve encouragement anyway? I'm just wallowing in my own misery. I remember this conversation I had with De Wen yesterday when I was so appalled that he said that he offers help by God's grace, but not naturally because people don't deserve help. It's stayed with me for quite some time, and I'm still shocked and upset, even though I don't blame him. Now I feel I'm taking advantage of him when I ask for help, even though he says it isn't true. It's just that I offer help naturally because I feel obliged to help others, and I feel obliged to comfort others. I move from my circle of friends to sit with people who are lonely and seem to be in need of friends. Maybe that's why I'm so confused. My parents have warned me before. The world is not as good as I think it is. Maybe I should just stick to my role and be the lone help-giver, even if I don't exactly get the help I need.

It's not about De Wen...seriously. That was just a passing conversation. It's just so many things. Everyone's just not caring, just being selfish, just stuck in their own worlds. People not giving a thought to how I feel even though I show them exactly how I feel. I am so open I cry openly, I type on my blog openly that I need help, and I tell people what's wrong. I don't keep things to myself. Yes, people respond. They do. But somehow not enough people respond. I thought I had more friends than that. I thought I deserved more. Maybe I don't. Maybe the world will be a better place without me.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Tuesday, June 11, 2002 08:53 a.m.

This place is great for a little entertainment:

http://www.madeinwx.com.cn/gyninfo/babysails/wish/wish.htm

-cries-

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, June 10, 2002 10:52 p.m.

Need to pack for OBS so I'm going offline now. Will probably not come back because I need to sleep. My schoolwork is in a mess. :(

ARGH.

I still feel despicable.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, June 10, 2002 10:48 p.m.

Initial Analysis:

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfillment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realize the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

BLUE personalities are the most creative and artistic of all of the colors. Imagination is your middle name and you love to express your mind freely. You are a true visionary who usually makes your dreams come true!

YELLOW is the most communicative of the colors. You are bright, expressive and radiate warmth. Sometimes you might talk too much, but people always find you interesting. Above all, you have a zest for life!

My Complete Personal Profile

You are a fighter and always on the defensive. You always need to be sure that your position is safe and established. When you finally make a decision you will pursue it to the bitter end in spite of all opposition.

You give the impression that you are a self-sufficient individual, pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain or pleasure. But this is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional person, one that may make hasty decisions and perhaps repent at leisure. It is time now perhaps to break the bond of detachment and become the real 'you' - the you that you would like to be.

You are feeling trapped by the situation as it stands at this time and what is more, you feel powerless to remedy it. You are stressful, angry and disgruntled. You feel that everything that you try to do to change the situation is thwarted and your hopes and aspirations all seem to be receding into the ever distant future. You have reached the state where you now doubt whether your dreams will ever be achieved and this is not only causing mental stress but heartache. You need to get away from it all - you need to have time to think, to recuperate, to be able to make your own decisions.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations have been denied you, you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety so therefore 'why bother?' You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh.

http://www.colorgenics.com

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, June 10, 2002 10:38 p.m.

I act like I'm 17.
This test was brought to you by Mel - mostly.... Take it here.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, June 10, 2002 10:34 p.m.

Got this off Sharon's blog:

1. Name: Esther Chin Ying Wei
2. Nicknames: geographygirl, Avenging Angel
3. Eyes color: Black
4. Height: 159cm (Hoping to reach 160cm though)
5. Hair: Black
6. Birthday: 26th September 1985
7. Sign: Libra
8. Where you live: Singapore
9. Sex: Female
10. Righty or lefty: Lefty
11. Do you have braces? Yes. I used to have a spinal brace because of scoliosis. Now I have braces on my teeth.

**For girls to fill bout boys**OR FOR GUYS TO FILL FOR THEMSELVES
14. Boxers or briefs: Briefs
15. Long or short hair: Short and neat. Love De Wen's hairstyle now. :)
16. Tall or short: Tall
17. Six pack or muscular arms: I prefer boyishness.
18. Good or bad guy: Good. Caring, considerate, thoughtful...that's my guy.
19. Hat or no hat: No hat. I seriously like De Wen's new hairstyle.
20. Ears pierced or not: Not preferable. Guys should behave like guys.
21. Tan or fair: Tanned
22. Freckles or none: None. Prefer a clear face.
25. Studly or cutie: I don't know what's studly but I like cutie.
26. Accent or not: No. I'd prefer not to have a Chinese-educated sounding guy though since I emphasize a lot on standard English.
27. Braces: Blue...my favourite colour!

** ON GIRLS FOR GUYS TO FILL OUT ** or for GIRLS TO FILL BOUT THEMSELVES
27. Regular underwear or thong: Underwear. What is a thong?
28. Painted nails or not: No. Prefer plain and simple.
29. Bra or sports bra: Not really into such stuff. I'm still a girl.
30. Cute n' mysterious or wild n' sexy: Cute and mysterious
31. Dressy or casual: Casual. I want to be comfortable.
32. Dark or blonde: Can go both ways. I love my black hair though.
33. Long or short hair: Long!
34. Dark or light eyes: Dark
35. Long or short nails: Short but not bitten. I quit nail-biting last year.
36. Hat or no hat: No. Hate head restrictions.
37. Good or bad girl: Good. I tried to be bad because I hated being taken advantage of but I realise I was and will always be naturally good (in human standards). I've got strict principles.
38. Skinny, thin, or with some shape: Slim
39. Hair up or down: Down, but not limp
40. Jewelry or none: Yes but it doesn't match with my interest in casual.
41. Tall or short: Tall
42. Curly or straight hair: Straight
43. Pants or dress: Jeans. I HATE dresses and skirts!
44. Tan or fair: In the middle
45. Freckles or none: None
46. Pretty indoor chick or pretty athletic chick: Pretty athletic chick. I love sprinting, but hate P.E.
47. Prissy or grunge: Don't know those terms but I'm quite accomodating
48. Accent or Canadian: Normal? Standard English. I pronounce 'th's etc. with ease. Have trained myself to do so.
49. Shy or outgoing: Outgoing
50. Braces: Blue!

** FOR EVERYONE **
50. Chocolate or white milk: I HATED milk from the day I was born.
51. Root beer or dr. pepper: Don't know what's Dr. Pepper. Don't like root beer but LOVE coke.
52. Mud or Jell-O wrestling: What's Jell-O wrestling? Prefer water.
53. Sunshine or rain: Sunshine
54. Vanilla or chocolate: I LOVE chocolate.
55. Skiing or boarding: None.
56. Day or night: Night. It's when I can refresh my DARKAURA and serve the DARKLORD.
57. Summer or winter: Summer. I wish this holiday wasn't so council-oriented though.
58. Cake or pies: I LOVE cake, especially chocolate and blackforest.
59. Love or lust: Love. I NEED love.
60. Silver or gold: Silver
61. Diamond or pearl: Diamond. Love the shape and the crystalline way it shines.
62. Sunset or sunrise: Sunrise. A new beginning, far long journey...
64. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No. Bolster yes.
65. Have you ever broke/sprained/fractured any thing? Injured my left first finger once. As a result, my right hand is a lot more strengthened since I had to survive that period. Very upsetting indeed.
66. Do you have any piercings: Yes, on my ears. Got them on the spur of a moment even though I ended up crying from the pain and scare.
67. Do you sing in the shower: Sometimes but I usually blast music to listen to when I'm bathing. Sometimes I act out scenes in the bathroom. It's where inspiration occurs.
68. Favorite color: Can't you guess...blue!

70. What's your GROUP: You mean social circle? My heart lies in AAA guild council, AAA guild and Students' Council.
72. Do you have a lot of friends? Yes. People appreciate my openness and loving and caring nature.
75. Who do you tell your dreams to: People reading my blog and friends
76. Do you want your friends to do this survey: It will help me learn a lot about them, and I want to know more about them.
77. What are your favorite sports: Running and swimming. I love WATCHING gymnastics.
78. What are your hobbies?: Reading, playing the piano, singing, writing, blogging.

~*~*~*~*~Have You Ever~*~*~*~*~
79. Been so drunk you blacked out: No, I don't drink.
80. Taken any illegal substances: No, I obey rules.
81. Gone out in public in your pajamas: Yes, if you consider the time when we all had to report in the central plaza in the middle of the night during council camp.
82. Missed school because it was raining: Can't remember
83. Set a body part on fire for amusement?: I'm masochistic, but not THAT masochistic.
85. Who knows your deepest secrets? God, but I'm really quite open about everything.
86. Ever wanted to hook up with the opp.sex? Yes, and I'm already hooked up.
87. Cried during a flick: I cry numerous times during nearly every movie. My record is 5 cries at 'I Not Stupid'. What do you expect when I cry just seeing people cry?
88. Had a crush on a teacher: Quite a few times
89. Ever thought an animated character was hot: I used to like 'Hello Kitty'.
90. Ever at anytime owned New Kids on the Block stuff: No. Don't even know them.
91. Planned your week based on the TV Guide: Not really. I don't watch tv anymore.
99. Prank called someone? Yes. I used to be quite naughty.
100: Had sex with someone older than you? I've never had sex. I used to be really anti-sex.
101. Been on stage: Quite a few times but I always messed up due to nervousness.
102. Are you glad you're done? Perhaps. Sometimes I don't even trust my own feelings.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, June 10, 2002 10:01 p.m.

NAME ANALYSIS FOR: Ying Wei Chin

Ying:

Financial gains and status are important elements in your life. You want to do things in your own way and on your own terms. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You are a hard worker when you make up your mind to do a job.

Wei:

Take advantage of all opportunities. You must develop your creativity and talents. You are determined to prove yourself to others. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection.

Chin:

You are a quick study, and can be self-taught. Your curiosity can get the best of you, but you must learn to concentrate. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You must learn to give 'wise' service and not be a martyr.

http://miva.zodiacal.com/acro.mv

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, June 10, 2002 09:53 p.m.

NAME ANALYSIS FOR: Esther Chin

Esther:

You have a need to communicate and express yourself. You are inclined to over intellectualize, and hate to be misquoted. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. Your privacy is important to you. You have a rich inner life. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions.

Chin:

You are a quick study, and can be self-taught. Your curiosity can get the best of you, but you must learn to concentrate. You need to learn the true value of material possessions. You have a natural protection in life. You are always saved - especially from yourself. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind.

http://miva.zodiacal.com/acro.mv

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, June 10, 2002 09:50 p.m.

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, June 10, 2002 09:45 p.m.

I feel so despicable.

I wish people will understand what I'm feeling now. Don't blame me for feeling regrets. I know I can't expect people to be as compassionate and emotional as I am, but please try to understand ok?

I have this strange feeling all non-council people will start killing me for regretting joining council. :(

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, June 10, 2002 09:37 p.m.

I'm able to see now what was posted yesterday. Realised I did post a lot of repeats, thinking that nothing I typed got posted. Sorry for the inconvenience.

I'm feeling quite sad now. Received quite a few e-mails from my AAA guild council mates in response to my resignation letter. Some of them were short and sweet, and others were long and personal. I appreciate all of them, but it hurts more to know I'm leaving this council of people who appreciate, admire and love me so much.

I went to school at 7.30a.m. this morning and met De Wen, hoping to do some studying and maybe play the piano and sing. I've been singing and playing the piano a lot recently, enjoying my voice and the song. Unfortunately, the AVT was closed and so were other places with a piano. For some reason, I couldn't find the key to the Students' Lounge, despite knowing where it's usually kept, and confirming it's location with 4 out of the 5 WelCo people I smsed and Hao Jie. I smsed Mei Na, one of the inter/intra-collegiates, but didn't get a reply.

In the midst of my reading ('Diary of a Teenage Boy'), I heard my name being called and I looked up to see Pei Yu. She went off soon though, but somehow that triggered off an already sad heart, and I started crying. De Wen must have been shocked. I'm getting rather sensitive lately because of all the things that have happened recently. I was thinking about how Pei Yu is my best friend in HC, and yet I haven't seen her or talked to her in a very long time. Then I thought of everything that has been hurting me the past few days...parents, the quitting of all my commitments, everything I've sacrificed because of council, including my free time and schoolwork, and I asked myself why on earth did I join council? Is it worth it to sacrifice my life for this? I could have served the school in faculty committee, made friends and enjoyed my CCA life in the ExCo of a CCA, kept my leadership position of Econs rep in my class...why did I go and join council? Now everything that meant so much to me has been taken away from me.

Seriously, I regretted and felt like quitting. It isn't that council is bad. It's just busy. It just robs you of everything...your social life, your family, your free time. Everything. It gives you experiences, friends and a good CCA record, but is it worth it? I smsed Yexiang and he encouraged me on. We're going to work this out together, everyone in council. That's what friends are for. I know I'm not alone. I just need a lot of comfort and encouragement at the moment.

-cries- All those in Arts reading this, I know I owe it to everyone that I'm here and I'm going to make good use of this opportunity. I'm not going to quit. I'm not going to get a MC to skip OBS because the school paid for me, and because I committed myself to it. As much as I'm encouraged by some people to skip OBS because I need the rest time and the revision period, I am going for it. If people can do it, so can I. I'm just very sad now.

Went out with Xin Yi. Had a great time with her. Made me feel a lot better. Went shopping for cheap stuff and realised I made a big boo-boo. I forgot to tear off the price tags on the cups for my seniors so now they know how much exactly I spent on their gifts, even if I did put in a lot of thought in choosing their gifts. Xin Yi bought two of the same cups for her parents. Tried on clothes and talked really personal. Gave advice, felt needed and loved. Every outing with her reminds me why she's my best friend.

People have been comforting me. Xin Yi, De Wen, Yexiang, even Nat today. I appreciate it lots and love you all.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Monday, June 10, 2002 09:37 p.m.

Guess this explains everything.

Resignation Letter

Dear all,

I hope that everyone can spend a few minutes to read this and understand the position I'm in.

I've been a big NeoPets fan for about one and a half years and an active member of the guild for a long time. During this period, I've gained a lot of experience. I've learnt to survive and do well via profit and not being scammed, but most importantly having worked in different guilds and different councils, I've also learnt to work with people of different age groups and to share, improve and discuss ideas and problems. I've made friends. I've had a taste of the real world, and found out that there are bad people, but there are also people who genuinely care, and touch others with their acts of kindness. NeoPets and the guild have played such a major role in developing me into who I am today. I appreciate NeoPets, and can talk about it to both friends and strangers enthusiastically.

Some of you may know that I ran for, and was elected into Students' Council at school. The decision to run was largely influenced by my enthusiasm, experience and commitment to NeoPets. Unfortunately, council demands a lot of my time, and I have been forced to drop a lot of other commitments with great regret. I tried to fulfil my duties as a camp committee treasurer leader in my church's Lively Teens Fellowship until my camp commander and co-treasurer understood my difficulties and took all the responsibilities. I worked hard at being Youth Choir treasurer in church, but was forced to resign last week. I handed in the treasury and records and quit not only choir committee, but choir itself, and my present church to transfer to a church nearer my house to cut down on transport time. My church's Young Lifers Worship was also terminated, and hence I stopped being a regular pianist there. I do not wish to drop violin, having started violin lessons only about two months ago.

The last commitment, albeit the heaviest, that I am forced to drop, is NeoPets. I have had many problems fulfilling my duties and am still experiencing problems. Even during the holidays, I am having trouble spending time on NeoPets and AAA guild council and coping with my studies and Students' Council. After a long period of thinking, I have decided to quit the council and stop playing NeoPets entirely. I am not quitting the guild, nor terminating my account, because I still harbour the hope that one day I will return, even if it may be a few years before I do so.

I wish to thank the council for being extremely understanding with me. I always thought that my work of doing status changes, Grab Bags and Welcomers as Avenging Angel was little compared to the heavy workloads of people like Tracy, whom I respect and admire deeply. Even so, when I had problems with this, which I brought out during the Council of Elders visitation session, Melissa and Tracy gave me an even lighter workload, to primarily focus on getting ideas, presenting them to council, and implementing approved ideas, much less than Joni's when she was Cherubim. Still, I cannot cope with the huge volume of e-mails being exchanged within council, and when I leave for council camp for 9 days this week, I dread the possibility of returning to a flooded mailbox. I've been in depression, and gone for numerous counselling sessions, talked to various friends, and still experience a lot of stress on my work. My block tests are coming, and I barely have time to study. I don't wish to blame anyone but myself for being overcommitted and not having enough discipline, but I don't want to get another F-O-O-D like I did the last round of tests. I'm in a top Junior College and I wish to do well academically.

Your loyalty and commitment to the guild amazes me, the time you put into doing your work, and ensuring that the guild is a success. I wish I could have fully enjoyed working with you and knowing more about each of you personally. Maybe one day we will get to know each other better. I wish the council and the guild the best, and may you all enjoy what you do. AAA and NeoPets have always, and will always be part of my life, and I will miss the times I spent with you. Just like I ran out of the room and cried after I handed in the treasury to my teacher-in-charge today, I will feel a greater emptiness in my heart now that I've quit the council and NeoPets.

Goodbye for now, and feel free to direct further questions to me. I apologise for leaving, even if I had no visible choice.

All the best,
Esther
Cherubim

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, June 9, 2002 01:41 p.m.

Got this from a test: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, June 9, 2002 11:55 p.m.

Finally I can get online to post all my blogs. Decided to try using Pacific Net instead of StarHub to connect and it worked.

I just had a huge bout of crying after this long talk with my parents about changing church. I feel my parents don't know enough and they don't listen enough. They want me to tell them things but they don't listen. They say they have a lot of experience but they don't know that I, too, have a lot of experience. Before AAA guild council, I was on the council of another guild and I quit because I was dissatisfied with the system. I enjoyed my AAA guild council life. I didn't like Nanyang. I left, even if it wasn't voluntarily. I'm enjoying HC life. What's the difference between church? They claim that the new church has a few snobs too and getting away from snobs shouldn't be my main reason for changing church but they don't understand that there are a lot of other reasons which I tried to explain but they refused to listen. I don't know why they think so highly of themselves but considering I came from them they don't seem to think I'm capable of intelligent thought. They always say I lack wisdom. Sometimes I believe it's because they don't let me grow up and fly.

I must thank De Wen, Xin Yi and Yexiang here. After crying for some time, I smsed De Wen and Yexiang. I really felt like committing suicide then and I remembered my GP tutor's offer to call her when I felt like committing suicide. Hope De Wen didn't get freaked out when he heard me. I kept silent for a while because I was crying hard. We talked for quite a while on my handphone before Xin Yi called on my home phone so I put down and talked to Xin Yi for quite a while before Yexiang called on my handphone. But there was some problem with his phone or mine so the line was cut off. It was quite comical because he asked me if I was ok and I said yes and that I've been talking to De Wen and he suddenly hung up on me.

Oh well. I'm sticking with my original decision to transfer church anyway.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, June 9, 2002 11:20 p.m.

Knowing the law is different from knowing Christ, just as knowing the house rules is different from knowing your parents. You may follow the house rules because a) you're scared of punishment or b) you know it's good for you. That's knowing the house rules. But knowing your parents means you practise the house rules because you love your parents. If you love Christ, you have a relationship with him and know him inside out. You want to please him.

That's what a relationship should be about. A relationship won't work with a me-first attitude. A relationship works when both parties love each other and want to please each other. If someone is nice to you, it seems like a burden sometimes because you are obligated to return the favour. With every privilege comes a responsibilty. You don't go scot-free. Are you going to seek to have a relationship in Christ, to please him, because this is the Christ who died for you, not having any ulterior motive other than that he loved you? But, you ask, I didn't ask Him to die for me. Why should I be obligated to return Him this favour? That's why you have a choice. You accept the salvation and live, or you die in your sin. Not much of a choice, is it? But if Christ hadn't died for you, you would still die in your sin.

Sorry, for always having a me-first attitude. Sorry for overlooking your needs. Sorry for being an over-possessive girlfriend and being jealous of your basketball. Seriously, I was. Sorry for not seeking to understand enough. Sorry for everything. I was always unhappy that you didn't seek to mix, that you thought yourself superior over everyone else, but so was I when you first knew me. Remember the mere mortals? From now on I will seriously try to be nicer to everyone. I realise I can be a counsellor and people will come to me. I have a gift and I shouldn't waste it. I will seek to give more and not receive. The chief end of Man is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever. I wish I were a nun so I could get a fixed religious education for the rest of my life since I don't know if I can discipline myself to study God's Word.

I was so sleepy during service this morning that after a while, I started to stop listening to the sermon and start reading the Bible. I read a few chapters on Abraham's servant's act of faith in letting God choose the right wife for Isaac. It was amazing how the Bible got me hooked. I wish I had the entire holidays free so I could just read the Bible.

Still, my heart was heavy this morning as I got ready for Sunday School. After I cleared the last problems with the Youth Choir treasury and straightened the records out, I packed everything nicely into an envelope, money, record and receipts. Service passed quickly, and I enjoyed the singing. Sunday School was highly interesting, partly because I was asking a lot of questions which did relate to me. After Sunday School, I went to Youth Choir, planning to catch Mark (my choir teacher) during food-time (we have food-time before choir) so that I could pass him the treasury and thank him for the last time. Unfortunately they were just beginning warm-ups, and after some deliberation, I decided to go in anyway. I ran into the centre of the circle, where he stretched both hands out to receive the treasury, threw the treasury into his hands, and ran out immediately, never looking back, and looking visibly upset, earrings dangling. Outside, the warm-ups seemed to stop and I thought Mark was telling the choir that I left, but Rachel Chia said he didn't. Anyway, my heart pounding, all the emotions within me were unleashed with the harsh finality of the whole situation and I just started crying outside the door. Rachel Yeo was shocked, but was a great comforter, and later when we went off for lunch at Scotts (my favourite beef noodles), we sat down and talked about council prom. We talked and laughed at the funny things everyone did, the stupid things I did in front of Bianca which probably made her very frustrated, Bianca's elegance that night, the males watching World Cup from the balcony and staring into someone's living room at someone's tv, the males cheering whenever a goal was scored... I felt a lot better afterward.

Later I resigned from guild council and NeoPets. I have to get down to studying and keeping up with my pastimes of reading and playing the piano. I had a great time just now during violin, then I went home and took a short nap, before bathing and playing the piano and singing. I'm going to school tomorrow to study, play the piano and sing. Sometimes I seriously wonder why I didn't get into choir, since I love my voice so much and believe I have a great voice. Today, we were talking about council, and Rachel said I shouldn't have joined council, and used it as a substitute for choir. Now, I've quit everything that was a part of me, from church, to choir, to NeoPets. Now my only real commitments are council and violin. I will try to practise my violin more regularly. As for council, I really hope it works out since I sacrificed so much for it. Every time I think of council, I think of the Arts Faculty, and the people who voted me in, and I feel as if I've cheated them. Somehow I never feel I'm doing enough. I will try to enjoy my council term and be the best councillor that ever was, so that people who might not see me working on the surface may not know me, but my fellow councillors will say, 'She really made a difference in my life. I was glad to have her on council'. Sometimes you never know how much people work by looking at what they do on the surface. A lot of things are done behind the scenes. This much I've learnt from experience, both personal and by observing others.

I don't know how much I'm going to restrict myself from blogging since I tend to blog long entries. I just have a lot to say. Today Jevon (my treasurer partner in LTF camp committee) called me and asked me if I was going for camp, to which I said no. Which means he's going to have to do everything himself.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, June 9, 2002 20:00 p.m.

Council in the morning. The ExCo spent a long time during the discussion with Chin Siong (about 2 and a half hours), so during that time we were supposed to bring the furniture back into the council room and organise it. After the furniture was brought back to the council room, I went into quite a cleaning fit and started cleaning the Students' Lounge. I used a cloth to clean up the dust (it was amazing the amount of dust there was) and swept the floor. Sharon and Aishu were also cleaning up. After our attempt, the Students' Lounge looked significantly cleaner. During the course of cleaning, I was wondering if I were stupid to engage myself in such a voluntary task though. Does the school think we are free labour? Are we giving them the opportunity to prove that we are free labour? I enjoyed the work though, and told myself I knew better if people ever accused me of not doing enough. Later I enjoyed a 'Twisties' and Grass Jelly Drink in the canteen with Wen Jie. It's amazing how much more can drinks cost compared to packet drinks when they provide only a little more volume of drink. A can drink contains 300ml of drink while a packet drink contains 250ml but while a can drink costs at least 70 cents a packet drink costs at least 40 cents.

Had a mass dance session later before a briefing by Sherwayn. Council ended around 1p.m. and I took an MRT down to City Hall to meet Chooi Mei. We were supposed to have the NeoPets outing with the fellow guild members but they all decided not to turn up. Anyway, she told me more about her OBS camp and then we went to EPB but there was a long queue at the entrance so we decided to take our lunch first. I realise I'm moving from LJS to Hor Fun. I like to keep eating the same food and now my hot favourite is Hor Fun. I love the gravy and it's a balanced and relatively healthy meal. After lunch, there was no queue but the NeoPets section in EPB was really quite crowded. Unfortunately, the fair started at 10a.m. so a lot of stock was sold out. We didn't manage to find any chomby-related stuff which made Chooi Mei a little more aggressive in her fight for chomby rights (-winks at Chooi Mei-) but there were a few kougra-related items, even if they were not desert like my beloved Octavius_Caesar. I bought kougra dangling earrings and kougra stickers! Chooi Mei bought dark faerie dangling earrings, usul stickers and a cool bag. I would have bought the bag had I more money. I originally wanted to buy a kougra charm but there wasn't any. Thankfully I have something more to represent Octavius_Caesar though. We wanted to get an on-the-spot hand-drawing of our pets but there was such a long queue we weren't fanatic enough to queue up with them. I hope NeoPets opens a store in Singapore though. At least the competition won't be so great and I can spend time to leisurely walk past each item without squeezing. Maybe NeoPets should set up a NeoWorld theme park too.

Thankfully Chooi Mei lent me a bit of money. She took cheese fries and I ordered a pretzel from Auntie Anne's! It's been such a long time since I ate pretzels so today was really a treat for me. We got that after sitting around on top of the Fountain of Wealth, watching the people walk round the fountain for wealth, talking and reading. I originally wanted to go back to school to take my Chinese file so I could lend it to Rachel tomorrow but due to time constraint (my mother kept smsing me talking about family dinner) I decided to go home. I think my parents were actually happy I went out for family dinner. I wore my dangly earrings (Chooi Mei helped me put them in since I still can't bear touching my earholes and feeling pain) to the admiration of the rest of my family. Wanted to wear the hairpin Alanna gave me but my mother said wearing that would make me look too dressed-up and vain so I took it out. I realise I quite enjoy wearing hairpins when I let my hair down but my hair turns out really messy later, so I will try to find an opportunity when I have just bathed and my hair is let down for me to use it.

Am quite irritated with De Wen. Guys never seem to understand. They try but they never will. I know from experience with a lot of guys, even guys whom I am just platonic friends with. Still, there is one guy I really know I love and will admit it, and that's my brother. My brother is sweet and thoughtful, and I can tell him about anything, act stupid with him, joke with him, talk intellectually to him, play with him, cry to him, ask his advice, just do about anything. Even when he's distant, I will love him, and I have and will always support him against everyone else. I've admitted it before, and I will admit it again, I love my brother, and I always will. Even other people have admired my relationship with my brother, and I am so thankful for him. I think my brother is all my good guy-friends combined. I remember I actually wished I could have a relationship with him when I was a lot younger, before the full depression started and before I didn't believe I could love again. I don't know if I can love again still, but I know that there are some things we can't control and we have no power at all to stop. We just have to wait and see. Meanwhile I must try to be nicer to De Wen. I don't feel I do enough, I never do, and yet I don't want to do too much. One thing I've noticed about boyfriends, they demand a lot of attention, and rightfully so. I'm just confused right now, and as much as I want to give the attention and get the attention, I can't, and part of me doesn't want to.

I am still torn between my commitments. I don't do slip-shot work so I'll always endeavour 100%, which means if I go online, I'll go online 2 hours every night, which means I have to sacrifice my homework. I've got to stop using council as an excuse for not doing work, and start getting my work done. Maybe I should seriously quit NeoPets, both guild council and NeoPets, and let my merchandise today serve as a memory. I don't have the time and energy, and I dread 2 weeks later when I open my mailbox after the camp and see 1000+ e-mails from council alone. 100 is already enough to clear. Perhaps I should quit early. Sometimes I wonder why I joined council and I realise that council gives me a lot of things other CCAs can't...seriously. I think without council HCJC might just become another Nanyang for me.

Violin lesson tomorrow from 3-4p.m. One hour because I didn't have lesson the past two weeks. Which means I have to practise tomorrow. Tomorrow will be my last day in my present church because I'll be handing over the Youth Choir treasury to my choir teacher and leaving everything. No regrets. Sometimes we just have to move on.

Oh yes, met Evelyn in the morning. Found out she's been reading my blog and had quite a little chat with her. It's amazing how people are linked together. It's a small world. Amazing also how unsafe a blog can be. You never know who is reading it. I may be open, but some people might not like me bitching about them, even though I don't exactly recall saying bad things about others.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Saturday, June 8, 2002 11:15 p.m.

Just came back from council prom. Really had a lot of fun. Enjoyed myself immensely.

I realise I'm a social being. I like being with people. I like connecting. I like mixing and talking. I like listening. Spent most of the party mingling around with different people and smiling all the time. I love such parties, where the music is just the right volume, and the food and ambience is great. I love it when I know everyone there. Found out a lot more about my council mates, both 28th and 29th. Talked to Hai Han about SRP, his ambition, talked to Lin Hai, talked to Yexiang A LOT, talked to Li Jen, Wu Jie, Bianca, Joanne, William...

I wish I'd worn something more casual though. Although the dress code was smart chic, some people actually wore casual, and it wasn't as formal as I thought. Yes, people like Bianca wore really formal stuff (a cool black dress with matching black sandals), but the bulk of them just wore the stuff you would wear to a concert. I changed my mind and decided to wear my blue dress (partly because I couldn't find my skirt and partly because it was blue). Wore my usual blue sports shoes at first but some people thought it didn't match so I changed to my mother's silver sandals. Unfortunately, walking home was quite tough (had trouble walking up the overhead bridge since my sandal always got caught at the step) and I'm left with hurting feet now. No wonder people wear stockings. To think I used to think that stockings were for people who wanted a more even, even fairer, skin colour.

But I looked really grown up, plus I had the blue necklace my mother bought from London with me. Wanted to wear the nice blue hairpin Alanna bought for me but don't really feel comfortable with restrictions on my head (e.g. hairpins and hair band) so I'll keep it on the shelf of my table so I can admire its beauty now and then.

Had a record of 12 missed calls to my handphone. I wonder who called me. Chooi Mei called later to talk about tomorrow but I told her I'd be online later to talk with her since I was just getting on the bus and would be home soon.

Maths lesson today was ok. I realised I can pay attention and take note of certain points, but I tend to forget when applying it to my own piece of work. Thankfully Mr. Yeow didn't think I didn't pay attention, or he didn't bother, and patiently explained things to me. As I was the first one to report for lesson, he also managed to pose some initial pleasantaries to me. I must stop using council as an excuse to slack though. It's true that council takes up a lot of my time, but I still have to study. By right I had time last two weeks to study since council was only three times in the first week, and ended at 4 every day for the past four days. I could have used the evening and night to study, but I ended up doing what I deemed was more necessary and going shopping and playing NeoPets. Shopping was necessary but perhaps I should have played less NeoPets. Perhaps I may just quit NeoPets. Today a few people actually asked me about my online commitments, including Bianca, believe it or not. I didn't think most people noticed.

Even though I came home quite late, the gathering at my house hadn't ended yet and people were still mingling around talking. There was a Bible study going on today and the venue happened to be my house. I managed to talk to some people but I felt tired and hot, as well as a little out of place since I was dressed so formally. I also seriously considered not changing church because of the people in this church who know me and are friendly with me, as well as the fact that it would be weird if I transferred church when my family is still in this church. Still, the final decision is to transfer. You may call it escapism but I believe it's for the better.

I'm going to go online for what I hope will be a short while before going back to sleep. There's a council meeting tomorrow at 10a.m. concerning very important things and I have to be there. Sadly, I will have to miss the NeoPets thing since I have to go for the guild lunch at 2p.m. Maybe I can go back later, or be late for the lunch so I can get some NeoPets merchandise, but I will definitely not be one of the first 1000 to turn up and get a rare item code. Yexiang was quite apologetic about this, but he didn't have to be since it was not his fault. Sometimes I sympathise with ExCo. I believe they have more work than us to do. It's almost like we're the guild and they're the council.

Yexiang and Sharon have been watching TV. Sigh...have I been deprived? Anyway, I had a great dinner with them at A&W's. Haven't eaten there for ages. Their curly fries are great but I didn't exactly enjoy the Deluxe Hot Dog. We had Venezia before that and some miscommunication ended up in me eating 3 scoops of Belgium Chocolate. Quite a cool time of food though.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Saturday, June 8, 2002 01:00 a.m.

Woke up very late today. 10+ and I thought it was 11+. Wish I could just spend the whole day lazing in bed.

I'm quite pleased with myself. For one thing, the presents for my seniors are nicely wrapped in cool wrapping paper. I love the blue bear and sun. It was quite tough trying to wrap a cup at first, but after Zhao Wei's mug, I managed to wrap the others quite easily. I decided to wrap sweet-shaped.

The NeoPets presents are nicely done too. You have to see it to really know what it's like. I'm thinking of putting up a picture here but I need to get a camera to take a picture of it, and scan the pictures in. Unfortunately I don't have either. I'll probably borrow a camera from my parents for tomorrow and hopefully to take a picture of a leaf too in just the way I want it to be. That leaf layout is very overdue.

My priorities are all wrong. I didn't touch my Maths today, and I'm probably not going to. I only did half of it, but I need to have my lunch, so I'll probably go out for lunch (KAP on the way) before I go to school. I hope to have time to do more Maths though. To think I planned my holidays so detailedly and didn't really follow my plan in the end. At least it made me more organised in knowing what I have to do and doing it though. I don't know how I'm actually going to start revising.

I think my online priorities are pretty much sorted out. Sometimes I feel so free when I know that I have other work to do e.g. schoolwork. Most of the time, schoolwork doesn't seem to figure in my list of priorities. That shouldn't be the way. Have I forgotten my wish to do 3 'S' papers.

I am going to wear my middle blue scrunchie to school today. :) I love it because it's a lovely colour and wearing it alone (without the black band) puts less strain on my hair so my hair doesn't fall out. I originally intended to wear the black band but I don't know how to tie it so I put it away. What a waste of money! I thought the black band was already tied. If it wasn't, I could have bought the same one at Aries for $0.10 cheaper.

Wanted to meet De Wen for lunch today but he's got to stay at home because his sister's friends are at home. Sometimes I wonder if I'm becoming too dependent on him. I have other friends too and I should involve them more instead of spending so much time with him. Thankfully I'm going out with Chooi Mei tomorrow for the NeoPets thing. Xin Yi smsed yesterday asking if I wanted to go out to Coffee Bean. I would have, but (a) I already asked De Wen out, (b) I needed to do shopping, (c) I ended much later than her, even if she could have waited one and a half hours for me to meet her. I miss Pei Yu somewhat. Maybe I should ask her out one of these days. I just hate the phrase 'some other time' though or 'one of these days' because it sounds so vague and sometimes if I don't act on the spot I'll never get the opportunity again. I actually thrive on the satisfaction I get from completing work i.e. it's not in me to slack. However, I die from the pressure I give myself too. Thankfully I pretty much enjoy doing whatever I'm doing.

Sang to myself today and wondered why I didn't join the council band. The council has two bands, by the way. I guess it's because I have no time and can't commit. Too bad then, I'll just share my wonderful voice with myself. Happy are those who actually get the chance to hear me sing. I wish I could sing with accompaniment though. I've sang so many choir songs over and over again whenever I'm with De Wen (e.g. during the 'How the Other Half Loves' ushering when there was no one else coming in) that I think he's positively sick of it. I appreciate my voice but that way I can't appreciate the song as well.

Thought of past experiences...council. Found this little 'Polaris' book and thought of the Eleco Camp. Polaris was my group name, and I remember all the members and what they said about me and what I said about them. I think smiles and friends are beautiful.

Was admiring how long my hair has grown. To think I felt like cutting it on Sunday in a fit of depression. I don't know. Suddenly short hair seems neat and long hair seems mature. Which one do I want? I think mature. I've got short hair all my life. After a long period of growing my hair out, I should treasure my long hair too. I wish my hair were longer though. Sometimes when I let down my hair, people will think I've cut it when they see how amazingly short my hair is. Was mentally measuring how many cm below the ear my hair was and recalled the days in Nanyang where I got caught having long hair that was WAY shorter than my current hair length. I was such a goody-two-shoes back in Nanyang, that believe it or not, every time I got caught for doing something, I would start crying. ????

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, June 7, 2002 12:52 p.m.

All the work that I will allow myself to do is done. Guild council done. NeoPets done. Blogs done.

For online matters I should try to
a) Read more blogs
b) Keep up with Chooi Mei's online tests
c) Read the NeoPets News

To do by tomorrow:
Maths homework
Wrapping of presents for JTS
Souvenirs for guild members

Hope to do:
Take photo
Homework
Revision ARGH...tired. Head dead. Will probably collapse from exhaustion in school one day.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Friday, June 7, 2002 01:26 a.m.

I'm quite happy with myself today. For one thing, I passed the First Aid test and I'll get my certificate in about 3 weeks' time. Which reminds me that I've got to get a photo taken tomorrow so that I can submit it to the Red Cross Training Centre. Sigh, I should have remembered to take it today. I'm already late in submitting my photo.

Second, I managed to shop to satisfaction today. Spotted loads of bargains and grabbed some of them. Of course, I made some mistakes as usual, buying 60 cents wrapping paper somewhere when I could have bought some other cool wrapping paper for 30 cents at Century Sails. It's amazing some of the places that sell things. Century Sails sells shells and maritime-related things but the little wrapping paper there is a lot cheaper than elsewhere. From experience, one has to be observant for certain bargains are not very obvious. Anyway, I managed to get a really arty black-and-white coffee mug for Zhao Wei ($2), a cute face mug ($1) for each of my angel and mortal (Willy) and some interestingly-shaped cups ($1.80 for 5) and a big packet of sweets ($1) for souvenir material for the guild people. I will be pasting a printed guild banner on the front of the cup and arranging the sweets in the cup. My buys today were not only nice but inexpensive.

Some people might brand me money-minded and miserly here but I feel that that is not so. It's just that I like to get my money's worth. For instance, the book that De Wen and I saw costing $3.90 was not at all worth the money. Also, I certainly do not compromise quality for a cheaper price. In fact, sometimes, the present becomes even better. I will not only buy things for others that I would buy for myself (e.g. either nice or practical), I wouldn't even hesitate to spend more if I can make a present look a lot better. For example for Mothers' Day, I could have bought something costing $20+ but I bought an $18 sweater and a lot of cool $1.99 things e.g. stamp pad, bedroom slippers, chocolate, file bag instead, which actually made the present look a lot more expensive and valuable than it really is.

It takes quite a lot of effort to scout for bargains too. I walked through Jurong Point today, walking in places like Kiddy Palace for a variety of gift choices so that I could come up with gift ideas, gift combination ideas, and a rough idea of what would be the cheapest and nicest gift. I tried to avoid the less-well-known places so that people wouldn't be able to see right on the spot how much a gift cost e.g. buy an unusual gift. So far I haven't managed to spot the feathered pen that Zhao Wei gave me anywhere yet. It was a great present and greatly appreciated, even though it soon ran out of ink.

I decided to treat myself to a new black band ($0.50), a light blue scrunchie ($0.50) and a middle blue scrunchie ($0.90). I really love the colour of the middle blue one. Maybe I'll wear it tomorrow. I should have bought something pink or purple though to match my dark pink sleeveless top and purple skirt (yes, that's what I'm going to wear for council JTS, which I prefer to call council prom). A nice black band can be found at Aries in Jurong East for only $0.20 but Aries doesn't sell the one that I bought. Thankfully the prices at Aries for the scrunchies were the same as those at Jurong Point.

Today's First Aid was a quick summary of the theory concepts, a practical revision session and then the test. Thankfully the whole class passed both theory and practical. At the end of the results announcement, we had a debrief, where the teacher thanked us for the course and remarked on our good performance as the course wore on. Sir Hong (ming2 fu4 qi2 shi2 de4 cheer i/c) led a cheer and then we all went out. It was then I realised how much the course taught me, not just in terms of First Aid but in the emotional aspect. It taught me that humans can be kind, humans can have fun and bond together, and humans can get to know each other well. I made so many new friends, learnt so much from my classmates, taught some of my classmates and interacted with my fellow councillors (we went out for lunch together every day). It's amazing how people actually allow themselves to be used as experimental casualties just so you can tie a bandage on them, amazing how they teach you over and over again when you can't get a bandage done, amazing how much they support and comfort you (there is applause whenever a person does a good job with a demonstration), and how much strangers smile at each other and ask if each other is ok. It's amazing how beautiful the smile is. First Aid course was truly beneficial to me. I was feeling quite sad at first because I couldn't do the bandages and mixed all my theory concepts up but thankfully the revision did me good.

The examiner was a really nice man with 40 years of First Aid experience with casualties. It showed, when he corrected our bandages and noted certain points. Yes, we all studied, and yes we followed the book but we can't always look at the book when we do things. We have to take into consideration how the casualty feels and minimize the pain. We have to improvise on the standard bandages to suit each case. The examiner was also quite funny, cracking jokes all the time, but I never did get the jokes he directed at me. I wish people who speak in Chinese (yes, the test was conducted mostly in Chinese) wouldn't direct jokes at me. I barely understand the implications and end up making a fool of myself. I'm sure it's also quite horrible to be cracking a joke and seeing the other party not laughing. He must be laughing at my confusion though.

I found out who Hui Jun is, the one who reads my blog. I don't know if she still does though, but she was really mature and encouraging when she encouraged me early on in my depression, for which I am very grateful. I must find out more about her.

In case people were wondering who I actually went with during the band concert yesterday, I went with De Wen, and not Shi Ning and Wen Jie as originally planned. Shi Ning decided to give her tickets to someone else and Wen Jie didn't feel like going, especially since she was wearing shorts, which she thought was inappropriate. Anyway, I went out with De Wen again today. It was great talking to him and he did look kind of cute when he waved at me from outside the train, but I realise I don't feel comfortable shopping with him. For one thing, he's a boy, and I look at really girly stuff, and I'm also a really big shopper, going into a lot of shops, staying a long time in each shop, going round a shop at least twice before I go out again if it's interesting, and sometimes lingering in a shop for a long time before going out and deciding not to buy anything. I felt a little restricted today, which was why I didn't exactly spend a lot of time in each shop. I think shopping is best done alone, because an item has to satisfy my really high standards before it is bought, and I tend to think for a very long time before I make decisions such as this.

Got quite mad at my dad today. He doesn't act like he wants to spend time with me, chasing me away when I'm talking to my mother. Got quite mad at my mother too. She's so subversive, and every time I actually take the chance and tell her what I'm feeling about things, she tells me to just listen to my dad to prevent violence. Why can't she stand up for once? Or is she tired of me too? Thought of one word to describe each member of my household. Father - Unreasonable. Mother - Subversive. Brother - Distant. Maid - Spastic. Grandmother - Senile. My grandmother is freaky. I can just imagine her ghostly eyes burning a hole in my back or staring at me, preparing to launch an eerie attack. NO...

Tomorrow there's going to be school and council prom.

I tell you, Grace sounds so much like Bianca whenever I talk to her I feel as if Bianca is speaking to me, and it's a real cool feeling. She behaves like Bianca too.

And De Wen...you know the mosquito bites I showed you all over my arms and legs? I just found two more, one on my shoulder and one on my face. Those mosquitoes. Which reminds me I haven't seen Tom and Jerry today. What's happened to them?

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Thursday, June 6, 2002 11:43 p.m.

Eventually got myself to wake up and wash up. Don't want to be late again like I was yesterday for First Aid. Besides, I have got to do some studying before I take the test. I never allow myself to go into a test knowing almost nothing about the subject and being sure to fail.

The Internet is a little cranky. For instance, ICQ isn't connnecting and the Internet connection itself is terminated after every few seconds. That is not particularly pleasant because I have work to do. I need to get the rough numbers of the people coming for the NeoPets gathering. It's quite disappointing actually to see only 3 people on the registration list. We put in so much effort into just thinking of the venue, getting the souvenirs, and we only need to prepare souvenirs for 3 people?! Besides, only one person said she would definitely be coming (AAA guild councillor) while the other two stated that they were merely thinking of coming. Perhaps it was due to the time constraint and lack of advertisement. I only had the time to post one advertisement and we're only allowed one advertisement a day. Next time, I will try to seek guild approval so that there will be more advertising. Unfortunately, there was not much time to get things approved because my computer was down for 3 days. Technology indeed is a double-edged sword.

I'm going off for First Aid soon after breakfast. Starting to take breakfast. Hope I will not be late, and that I'll manage to cram whatever I've taken note off to memory so that I will be able to pass both theory and practical sections of the test. Am pretty confident but I know that I tend to falter when I'm nervous, so I must keep calm. I think it's a one-to-one test thing for practical.

Will post more about yesterday and today later. Today I'll be going out with De Wen after the test. Hopefully my test will end before 4. It should, because it's an individual thing and after lunch we're dismissed for the test already. Hopefully I can either meet De Wen earlier or manage to do some work. Will be buying the presents for my seniors and the pathetic souvenirs for the 3 lonely people who MIGHT turn up for the gathering. Still, it'll be easier to handle a small group, and I look forward to knowing more people closer anyway. I just hope that it won't be an awkward silence which occurs usually when you've just got to know a person and have nothing much to confide/say to her. The people who are coming are mostly quite young though.

I can't believe I'm only going to buy one set of 6 goodie bags. I thought there would be more.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Thursday, June 6, 2002 08:19 a.m.

I'm REALLY TIRED now. REALLY TIRED. Who asked me to stay awake until past 2a.m. last night? Plus I worked the whole day (First Aid), did homework in school, went out with De Wen, went to Band concert, cleared 87 e-mails (thank God I cleared 35 this morning...imagine the number of mails I get in a day!), and am now typing my blog. I don't know why the Internet connection keeps crashing though. It's as if my tiredness and amount of work isn't enough trouble for me. How I wish I could just lie on my comfortable bed and go to sleep. I wonder how much I will actually will myself to do before bed. Maybe just this blog. Sigh...there are e-mails to reply though, and council work to do (AAA and Students').

There's something wrong with my body. My butt is hurting and First-Aid me suspects a fracture. It isn't hurting THAT badly, but it does hurt when I sit down and when I walk. I have to gently lower myself into a sitting position and try to ignore the pain when I walk. I wonder what the cause of the pain is. My leg muscles are aching too but I believe they will soon be fine after a night's rest.

First Aid was ok. Wen Jie cried today because she didn't know how to do the CPR. There's a lot of pressure on her since she's Restitution i/c (First Aid) and she's also experiencing difficulties, like me, in bandaging. We just can't catch on to what the teacher is saying easily. Thankfully by the end of today's session, she managed to do the CPR well and gained a big round of applause from the class. I think this class is really helpful and approachable. In fact, I made a new friend, Grace, today, and we actually took the bus together after First Aid.

I might actually copy all the First Aid notes up here but not today because of my exhaustion. Have been practising bandages the whole day, even while waiting for De Wen to meet me and while waiting for the bus. I think I'm ok with the bandages now, except for a few which I can't recall and follow by looking at the guide. I need to learn up on my theory though, which should be mostly common sense, but I don't want to take the risk. I can't fail this test especially since a lot of money, time and expectation has been put into it. Grace apologised today though, saying that the councillors were asked to come down for the course since there were not enough participants. Sigh...sometimes I feel we take on too many responsibilties. Nevertheless, this was a beneficial course, even if it took up a lot of my time. I hope I will never have to practise these First Aid skills in real life though.

Went out with De Wen to LJS Cineleisure for dinner. Met De Wen's ex-tuition-mate and his friend. Another person in a high place...faculty captain and faculty committee member (-winks at Chooi Mei-). It was great just listening. I learn a lot about people in general and enjoy myself too. Unfortunately, we were late for the band concert. Still, we didn't miss much (only the first song).

Band concert was a little disappointing. The band was good, and despite the occasional fumble, the sound was pretty ok. Unfortunately, the songs were not exactly the songs I really like. Some of them were too slow, and others were fast, but without a really lyrical melody, in my opinion. I guess it's just my taste. I really miss the xiao3 ding1 dang1 music that was played during one of the mornings. I was also quite irritated when the people stood up during the last encore, which was the school song. Yes, the school song is/was great, but it seemed a superficial show of loyalty to stand up. After all, this IS a concert. I refused to stand, knowing full well that as a role model I might be expected to stand. If I didn't stand spontaneously, I won't stand just because a few groups of people are standing. De Wen felt bad, and wanted to stand but didn't because I didn't. He was embarrassed at not standing, but I felt that the people who were standing should be the ones embarrassed since they were the minority. I'm not ashamed of the school song, but I show my loyalty in other ways which might not be so obvious.

Am VERY VERY tired. Will go to sleep NOW. More updates tomorrow...or whenever I'm free. Don't feel like working AT ALL.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Thursday, June 6, 2002 00:00 a.m.

Going to go off for First Aid course soon but just decided to blog awhile. Managed to accomplish quite a lot yesterday. Grab Bags updated. Ideas done. NeoPets personal done (except for News page which I've stopped reading), blogs all done (Chooi Mei, Alanna, De Wen, Ailin, Sharon, the first page of Kelvin's). Am slowly expanding the number of blogs I read. Have a lot of other things to do e.g. personality tests, and more e-mail from council, as well as the Grab Bags to finish up (since I require some NP from certain council members first before I resume whatever I did yesterday).

Today is the second last day of the First Aid course. It's good that there's no test yet, because it means less stress for the time being, but we will be learning more about fractures today, so there will be more theory and practical to study for the test. Thankfully I'm able to keep up more or less so everything's still going well with me.

Thank God I woke up this morning since there was no alarm clock. Wow. Thank God I remembered there was band concert today too. Will be going with Shi Ning, and Wen Jie, if Wen Jie feels like going and manages to get tickets on the spot. I think it'll be a great concert, but I'll be home late, unfortunately. There's one night gone again. Perhaps I should start studying in the wee hours of morning. It takes willpower and determination though.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 5, 2002 08:14 a.m.

I love online sprees like this where I work from 9+ to 2+. Cool?

But I'm tired now and even though I'd greatly love to work longer (it was productive tonight) I have to go to bed! Sigh...and I realised I forgot to do something too. Hmm...have to collect ideas as part of Cherubim.

I did Grab Bags for Chooi Mei since she's away. Kinda reminded me of when I used to do them. And I put in so much effort too. I still feel sad that I'm not Avenging Angel anymore.

Was talking to a welcomer too who asked me if she still had to send her list to me. Sigh...what a nice girl she is, one of the only ones who really sent her list on time too. Welcomers, Grab Bags...and I'm not even doing Ideas.

Even though my back is aching and I'm going to have to do First Aid tomorrow for one entire day, and add some homework in since I HAVE got to finish my homework, I'm going to do Ideas before I go to bed. Can't be doing all other work except what is assigned to me to do.

Met Christine online. Asked me if JC was busy. Frankly, I think not. I told her to try being on TWO councils at the same time. And to think someone posted on the AAA guild board today that the council did NOTHING. What a lie.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 5, 2002 02:37 a.m.

Oh. I forgot to write this. Just now I went to bathe in the wee hours of morning and yelled at my mother. I realise I'm getting angry about the littlest things with my family. Things are definitely not going well at home.

My father returned home from work yesterday (during one of the rare occasions when I was actually at home and having dinner with the rest of the family) and the first thing he did was comment on my handphone screen being cracked. Guess what? I blew up. I just got angry, raised my voice, wanted to say something and then decided not to say and told my father that there was no point in me saying what I was going to say because I would only get a scolding, after which my brother gave an affirmation. Also, when he asked my brother what work he (my brother) did that day, I made this really irritated sound out loud. I think my father wasn't angry, but hurt with me. I was so upset I actually went all the way upstairs and fell asleep (immediately after dinner) all the way to this morning. As a result, I'm extremely awake now, but that's not the point. The point is that I was just so mad at him not even bothering to say something nice but coming back and commenting about something totally trivial (yes I'm getting quite sick of people always commenting on my handphone) and I don't even bother to explain it to him because I don't think he'll understand and I'll probably get a scolding anyway because my parents never really LISTEN to me. They always think I'm criticising them. Maybe that's why I get so hurt when people criticise ME.

My mother got yelled at because she disturbed me this morning when she knocked on my door (seriously, when I lock my door it means I don't want to be disturbed). Thankfully she didn't make a big fuss about it but I think she was hurt because she went away saying something like, "I only wanted to see if you were awake". Then just now she got yelled at again when she told me to go and bathe and I told her I had no time and I would bathe tomorrow. Sometimes when I just get too busy that I don't bathe during the night, I bathe the next morning to compensate. Yes, in case anyone is wondering about my standard of hygiene, I only have the time and energy to bathe ONCE A DAY, even though my head smells like sweet-smelling shampoo all the time. And I hate people telling me what to do and nagging at me. It's as if they don't trust me to take care of myself and do what I feel is good for myself. If they don't trust me like this, why don't I just prove their point that I don't know what's good for myself and kill myself now? Yes, I was in a mood.

My grandmother is just totally senile. I believe just recently she OPENED MY DOOR. That is one mistake because (a) she's not supposed to open my door, stare at me and close my door, and (b) I hate people even disturbing me especially when my door is closed.

My maid got scolded too because she didn't open the door fast enough today. I just hate it when I push down the handle and the door isn't open. Why does it have to be open anyway? It's not like I come back at a fixed time. I come back whenever I like. Anyway, my poor maid just came to the door to open it and got scolded anyway, regardless of the fact that I had a key and could have/should have opened it myself. What is wrong with me?

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 5, 2002 01:02 a.m.

Thank God (for divine help), my brother (for fixing) and De Wen (for praying) that my computer is all right now. My brother gave me a nice smile when I went to thank him and talk to him about my computer too... what a change from his normally moody exterior. I really appreciated the fact that he did it within hours of his coming back from school just so I could use it. I stated that it was an urgent request, because indeed it was. I had a lot of online work to catch up on and the NeoPets gathering to organise. Thankfully registration is on its way and all I have to do now is to get the rough numbers, buy the items for the goodie bags, pack the goodie bags, and contact the participants on the confirmed venue. I can't believe I actually FORGOT the venue which I believe I discussed with Chooi Mei. Perhaps I should have just stated a fixed place like Orchard MRT Station which I would be able to change later. Still, I'm updated where that's concerned and only have to resume work on that on Thursday.

Here's the message I posted on the guild board anyway. Words in the square brackets were of course not posted:

Tropics Gathering [Now I wonder why I didn't change it to Tropical Gathering]

NeoPets is coming to Singapore on the 8th of June! Best of all, Mei (witchmystik) and Esther (geographygirl) have decided to organise a lunch gathering just for all Singaporean AAA guild members!

The theme is Tropics Gathering since it's a meeting of guild members in tropical Singapore! Come and get to know your fellow guild members.

Time: 2p.m.
Date: 8th of June (Saturday)
Venue: To be confirmed

Goodie bags will be given out to all who are present. Just go to this form: http://www.createforms.com/forms/form_id2239_no1.html to register for the gathering so that we can have a rough number of those who are coming for this gathering. Please inform other AAA Singaporeans so that they can take part. ONLY GUILD MEMBERS ARE ALLOWED TO TAKE PART IN THIS GATHERING.

Due to time constraint, registration will only be open until 12AM Thursday morning SINGAPORE TIME. People who have not registered by then can still come for the gathering but may not be entitled to a goodie bag.

NOTE: Although the contact number specified in the form is not required, it will be greatly appreciated in case of emergency changes of plan.

After registering, please check your e-mail before Saturday for any important notices e.g. registration confirmations and information about the venue as well as items to bring.

Mei and I are really excited about this and we hope that you will turn up for this gathering! See you then!

Please direct all queries to geographygirl as witchmystik is currently away on camp.

Esther (geographygirl)
Cherubim [my first sign-off as Cherubim...-sob-]

*NOTE: NOT GUILD-SPONSORED*

I'm really quite pleased with how this event's been organised so far. In fact, I'm getting quite pleased with the little things I do. Is that good or bad? At least it's making me feel a little better about myself and more relaxed.

Update on homework:

Now what have I done? I've read all the GP articles and have done half the exercises. Essay not done. Book report not done. Chinese all untouched. Maths half done. Practical Criticism not done. I don't feel comfortable with studying for block tests when my homework isn't done. Sometimes I just do things that are more concrete. Am I slacking? So far I don't think so. It's just that I've been sleeping early and playing NeoPets with all the free time that I've got and I don't count that slacking. I've watched about 2 television programmes too, even if I didn't watch them from the start.

I don't want to set goals for myself with regards to homework. I'm really trying to do my work. I'm just going to keep reminding myself that I have homework and actually sit down and do the work. GP takes quite a lot of effort though, and people like me will actually put in my best effort.

First Aid course is quite cool, and it helps to know that at the end of it if I pass the test I get a LICENSE FOR 3 YEARS. I'm a CERTIFIED FIRST-AIDER. That sounds impressive to me. It's not easy learning how to do all the bandages, and getting the CPR right, but I got praised today for knowing how to do the CPR. :) It wasn't much really since it was my second time doing it. I was totally confused the first time and did many things wrong as well as ask a lot of questions. Thankfully the rest of my classmates helped me out and at the end of it whispered something that I heard very clearly, "She's sooo cute." ??? I'm starting to wonder why on earth people think I'm cute. I find myself a most repulsive-looking creature. Anyway the test is on Thursday and I HAVE to pass. It's theory and practical, and I have to pass BOTH sections to get my license. The practical is quite scary because knowing the methods is one thing...doing it well is another. The bandage must not be too loose etc.

I'm considering whether to type out all my First Aid course notes online. No...I'm not going to type the GIVEN notes. I'm typing my OWN notes because even though the teacher said that we didn't have to copy the notes since most of the information was mainly for general knowledge, I insisted on copying down every fact that I could devour. I just can't let slides of information pass by me without doing anything. Paper is such a valuable resource to me, is it not? I remember during this stress management talk we had during assembly once, I actually asked my friend for a piece of paper so I could copy notes. It's just in me. Me wonders if that's why I'm a secretary now. I enjoy being one.

Will be going out with De Wen on Thursday to do all the shopping for whatever's needed. It's great that I can combine two things in one so I can free up more time and yet achieve the same effect without feeling guilty of not spending more time on other things. By the way, De Wen, do you remember the mark on my hand I said you could use to identify me if I were dead? It's back again.

I made a mistake of sitting at the stone bench yesterday. Within seconds, my arms and legs had mosquito bites on them, and I realised in just about the same places too. The same mosquitoes? I seem to have an affinity with insects. Today when I opened my bathroom I saw Tom and Jerry (my cockroaches) again. I remember once during lunch (First Aid course) we were all talking and Zhiming was saying that when he sees a cockroach he calls his mother, and I said that when I see a cockroach it goes 'Hi Esther' or something to that effect. I'm beginning to get very close to cockroaches. Today I was washing my face and one was just up the wall nearby and it didn't even disturb me. How nice and neighbourly they are.

PubCo has got to become closer. I suppose I can't expect this now yet since we haven't really worked together for long, but seriously, we're not as close together as I'd like us to be. Sooner or later, council will take up most of my life and I need good friends in council to get through everything. Council seems very tough at the moment and my life 4 months ago seemed eternity passed, but the rewards will be...uh...rewarding.

Thinking of pain, violence, death and dying. Must be the First Aid course that's affecting me. Hahahahaha.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Wednesday, June 5, 2002 01:01 a.m.

Another symptom of tiredness: sleeping in church! I tried to sleep until I really had to wake up before I went to get ready, but I was still tired, and it didn't help that I wasn't sitting in the freezing sanctuary. It was my choice...I didn't want the air-conditioning to freeze me to death, so I decided to sit outside where the sound quality was relatively poor and there wasn't enough people to sing and read with me so I could hear my own soft voice very easily instead of being prompted to sing at the top of my voice. The preacher was sick, having been suffering from a bad cough for a long time, but he still managed to deliver quite a long sermon, I think. I managed to get quite a few points off his speech, which was peppered with a lot of references to the Bible, but I didn't bother to turn to the Bible and after half of the message I actually fell asleep for a time before nodding awake as discovering that I had been asleep.

Despite my tiredness, Sunday School was quite a lot of fun. We had a lesson based on sharing so it felt more applicable to us. Today the topic was on Christian rock, and charismatic churches and why we don't believe that is the right way of worshipping. It's true that everyone has different opinions of worship, and we can't deny that passion and love for God cannot be judged by just looking at someone. However, we feel that Christian rock, i.e. the songs that the charismatics sing, are disorganised, repetitive and highly emotional. My teacher used the example of a present. A person presents a present to another. This present is wrapped in newspaper, but it can save the recipient's life. Will the recipient reject the present because of the wrapper? Similarly, what we're doing is presenting the gospel as it is, not how we feel people might be more attracted to the gospel. Conversion is made up of an inner call and an outer call. God is responsible for the inner call. No matter what we do, if there is no inner call, the person will just not respond to the gospel. Yet, if there is an inner call, the person will just believe in the gospel presented as it is. We believe that a solemn service, and not a service 'filled with the spirit' is appropriate for worship since God is an orderly God and also a God which demands respect. I'm not trying to put down any other denomination or way of worship here, just trying to state our rationale for believing what we believe.

After Sunday School, Rachel and I sat down to talk about things and listen to the new a1 cd. It was quite a paradox to be engaging in such a worldly activity in a church, particularly during the Youth Choir time slot, but I decided not to go to Youth Choir today because I'd be quitting anyway, and I did want to spend time alone with Rachel to just talk about things. I really appreciate my friends. Later, we went to the church bookshop to check out the cards that I could possibly give to the guild members as souvenirs when they turn up for the outing on June 8. I haven't bought anything yet but I do have a rough idea of the possibilities. I really want a card that can bring out the message of the guild, with perhaps a picture of an angel in front to represent 'Angels and Avengers'. I did see quite a few nice cards but due to time constraint, decided to wait awhile before making my decision. I might be back at the church during the next busy week to get the items. I just hope there will be a friend to accompany me since I end school rather late next week (council from 9-5) so Xin Yi is quite unavailable, and Chooi Mei is at OBS. Maybe De Wen can accompany me. I need to do quite a lot of shopping next week, and would really appreciate company.

We went for a Sunday School class outing today. It's been our tradition to have one every long break, which means twice a year I believe. There weren't a lot of people today, but the bulk of the Sunday School class was around and available to hang out after church today. We went to Pizza Hut Central Point to have a nice buffet lunch where we sat down and talked about things...Sunday School, JC life. My friends did ask me a lot why I wanted to transfer church, so I just told them all the reasons I had (which I listed yesterday). I've thought things out clearly and I believe that I should change church. At least I should give it a try. Since my family is quite settled in the other church, it shouldn't be too difficult to transfer back if the need arises. Even though I don't want to be too heavily-committed church-wise, I still am quite keen on joining a Youth Group. I may not join the choir, since a Youth Group does offer singing sessions, and I may not have the time for choir, but I feel that a Youth Group is necessary for spiritual fellowship and growth. I feel deeply in need of spiritual friendship at the moment, encouragement and faith. I have a lot of fears and problems that I think God can settle and I want him to settle. I wish De Wen were here to pray with me.

My Sunday School teacher asked us if we were attached, to which I gave a little spontaneous laugh. Don't ask me why I suddenly laughed though. Anyway, none of my friends are attached at the moment, and I didn't give a straight answer, so my teacher may not know even though my Sunday School classmates do know. My teacher was discouraging us from having relationships at this point because we then wouldn't be able to concentrate on our studies, would be affected by relationship problems. She also reinforced the idea of Christian partners. I disagreed somewhat with her. A relationship actually does mean a lot. It means you learn to relate to someone of the opposite sex in a different way. A relationship is totally different from a friendship. There is a lot more emotional burden attached also because the two partners are from different genders and tend to think things a lot differently. A relationship gives you a different kind of support, and a different kind of bond. My Sunday School teacher also mentioned that JC relationships don't last, which reminded me that my GP tutor mentioned that I shouldn't expect my relationship to last. I don't agree though. I'm working on my relationship, trying to keep it up, trying to make it last, and trying to understand the other party. I'm trying to give and take.

Thankfully I didn't have violin lesson today because my teacher is unavailable. I haven't been practising my violin though. I should, if I don't want to waste my lessons, and if I want to make learning the violin more efficient and productive. After the Sunday School outing, I took a bus to Clementi with Rachel where she took another bus home. I spent quite a leisurely time in Clementi just walking around and thinking of the possibilities of gifts for the Neopians and for my Angel, Mortal, and direct senior (council). There will be a council junior-treat-senior session, sort of like a mini-prom on the 7th of June and there will be a gift-exchange session on that day so I will have to prepare gifts for my Angel, Mortal and direct senior, who all happen to be guys, which is one big problem since I don't know what they like and hence what I should buy for them that is thoughtful and useful. Perhaps the guys reading my blog would like to give some constructive suggestions? Zhao Wei is not my direct senior, but since he gave me a passing down gift (the pink fluffy pen) I figured I should give something back in return. It's amazing...Zhao Wei's gift was so thoughtful. I really appreciated it.

I got really tired when I reached home so I ended up sleeping for quite some time, before reading a little bit of the papers and watching 'The Weakest Link' on television. Finally I get to watch most of a show! I felt that it was quite a nice show, even though Xin Yi doesn't agree with me on this. There are 8 contestants to start with. Each round is 3 minutes, I believe, and questions will be fired to each person. That person has to pay attention and answer quickly, so as not to waste time, and accumulate as much money as possible. The first person starts the ball rolling for the first round. The light is on $100. If he gets the question correct, the light moves up to $200, to which the second person is then asked another question. The second person can choose to say 'bank' to bank in the cash, so that $200 is added to the total tally, and the light drops back to $100, and then answer the question. If a question is answered wrongly, the light drops down one step from say, $200 to $100. If the person decides not to answer and say 'pass', the light drops all the way from wherever the amount is at, say $500, to $100. The trick is to 'bank' at appropriate times so that some money is kept in the tally, and to answer correctly so as to get more money. Everyone works together to get as much money in the pot as possible. After the time ends, everyone votes someone out of the game, possibly someone who did the worse in the whole contest so that they can get more money with the other remaining players. This goes on until the last two players remain where they are tested on their wit and knowledge alone. The questions are quite random. Some of them are easy, e.g. What is 4 x 56 x 0 but even such questions require concentration because the question is spoken very quickly, one is under a lot of pressure from the time limit, and if one asks for a repeat of question, one wastes time. Some of the questions are quite tough though e.g. Where is the largest church in the world located? (Answer: Italy) I really admire the knowledge of all the participants, the strategy involved when voting people out of the game (a little mini-'Survivor') and the fast pace of the whole game. I also managed to learn a lot of general knowledge, and it helped that the game was in Chinese, since I had to get used to understanding the fast-spoken Chinese.

After a nice dinner of Hor Fun, I took a nice bath (albeit with a cockroach in the toilet as usual) and then returned Xin Yi's call. We had quite a nice chat. It's amazing how much we confide in each other, and how comfortable we feel with each other. I learn a lot just from our conversations, which are truly intellectual. I realise that intellectual conversations are not restricted to just worthy causes like world peace but also branch out to solving problems e.g. relationships (boy-girl, friendships, classmates). Such problems are really the crux of the issues affecting daily living, and personal growth, hence I feel it is more important at the moment, and am glad for friends to talk about these.

I was quite worried about the OBS. I heard that it's going to be really tough since it's mobile, which means we don't get to stay in a fixed place but have to move around in the forest and engage in our daily activities in the forest. I hope I don't get my 'monthly' there. It's not exactly the most convenient place. I'm not that much dreading the tough time though, since there will be people around, and friends to rely on. I'm more worried of solo night, this experience where I will be required to sit/stand alone in one dark deserted place at night. Everyone will probably be within 100m from each other, but arranged in such a way that we won't be able to see each other. My friends tell me not to scream, because I will probably freak another friend out, but it's hard. I'm not supposed to tell, but Alanna knows a little about this already. There was this time when I was so totally freaked out I screamed the loudest I have ever screamed before and was whimpering the whole time in front of my seniors. I don't think I've ever been so scared before, and I think I've been scarred from that experience. I never want to experience what I experienced again, and I hope that for some reason the solo night won't take place. There are quite a few haunted places, and even though I know that there is God, I have a great imagination and can't help but dread the prospect of experiencing this. It helps to have friends around, but scares to have none.

I told Mark, my choir teacher, that I would be changing church, and we arranged the handing over of the treasury as soon as possible. I will probably stick with this church for one more week until the treasury has been handed over before I bid farewell. I felt a strong sense of loss today when I went out with my classmates, but I will change church. Mark was contented with me not mentioning my reasons to him, but he did caution me not to feel disillusioned with my new church, because there is some internal strife going on between the pastors there, doctrinally and personally, at the moment. The church may even split over the issue, which I hope will not happen. I am glad that people are being nice about the whole 'leaving' thing. As I say, it's not their problem with me, it's my problem, and it's not even really with them. I can't pinpoint everything exactly, but I do want a change of environment. It will be quite sad leaving my friends behind and going to a relatively new environment.

My computer has been down for some time. I wonder why. My father is not going to be very happy if my computer goes down again. I'm currently in Safe mode because my computer won't start if I set it to Normal mode.

About yesterday, I was too tired to go online, but I just wanted to record this down. I didn't get to watch the whole of Sister Act in the end, which was kind of disappointing. In fact, I went offline halfway through my work because my mother suddenly came in and told me we were going out for a family dinner. I felt like a career woman then, totally busy and needing people to make appointments with me days in advance. I was upset that I had to change my plans, because although my mother did sms me a few hours before, I was charging my phone and didn't notice it. I was quite pissed off with my mother, and regretted it later, but in the end, we had quite a nice outing together. We ate at Yet Con and I was thinking about Economics, fixed costs and all. My brother was acting weirdly as usual. I think he's getting into this whole teenage phase, starting to become more distant and retreating into his own little world.

My father laid out this huge plan for me. I was quite surprised at that, because I always thought that he approved of me taking Geography at University level, but apparently he has other plans for me. He now wants me to do Law, a prospect which I never considered until last night. He even told me that if I agreed to do Law he would send me to Melbourne to study, and buy a house for me there (surprising, since I was counting on staying in a hostel). He then wanted me to rent out rooms in the house to friends for a profit. When I finished my studying, it would just be in time for my brother to do Medicine there, and after his studying, my parents would retire and spend the rest of their lives in beautiful Melbourne. Serious! My father wasn't joking. I'm keeping my prospects open anyway. Right now I just want to get good results. I am interested in Geography, Journalism and Law. Perhaps some year-end job attachments would help steer me somewhere, but I believe God has a plan for me and will direct me wherever he thinks I should go. All I can do is walk worthy of the vocation which I was called, and study hard to do him proud. I just hope I have the time, energy and determination to do well for my next block test. According to Rachel, if I do badly for my Geography again (I got an F for the last block test) I might need to do excessively well just to pass my promos.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Sunday, June 2, 2002 23:55 p.m.

I so LOVE massages. :)

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Saturday, June 1, 2002 05:41 p.m.

Well, another month has gone by and what has happened to my idea for the leaf layout? I guess I'm not cut out for layouts. Don't want another commitment at the moment.

Yesterday was quite cool. I learnt a lot and had a lot of fun with my groupmates and Su. We learnt projection, even though I had a lot of trouble with it. I have what Su calls 'inverted breathing' which means that when I breathe in, my stomach goes in and when I breathe out, my stomach comes out. I had a lot of trouble just controlling my breathing although I was practising quite hard. I looked weird concentrating on this while people were mostly chatting though. Natalie was nice, and came over to help me out.

We also learnt pronounciation. Singapore is the only country where people who speak English cannot understand people who speak English from other countries and vice versa. Any Iranian speaking English can understand a Chinese speaking English but no one can understand a Singaporean! He can't be understood either. It isn't the accent that matters. It's the way you pronounce your words. For example, 'serious' is pronounced 'searious', though of course I'm not writing out the proper phonetic symbol. Believe it or not, there's a Longman Pronouciation Dictionary. Imagine a dictionary just for pronounciation!

There are things called aspirated and non-aspirated sounds. 'Aspirated' simply is a sound that produces more air. For example, 'p' is aspirated while 'b' is non-aspirated. Just take a piece of paper and talk to it to see its movement for aspirated sounds as compared to no movement for non-aspirated sounds if you can't see the difference.

Did you know that the voice box is made up of 12 layers and is absolutely vulnerable. It protects the two vocal folds of the throat. We shouldn't use our throat muscles to talk because the throat muscles are for supporting the head (6-8kg) of weight on two pivots (the bones at the back of the neck) as well as for protecting the throat. Xing Yi used to be a cheer i/c for Girl Guides in Secondary Three but within half a year she got one vocal fold paralysed and had to undergo therapy. She still talks a little unbalanced and she can't cheer anymore. That's how important the vocal folds are.

The human body is actually really quite remarkable. Our eyes can actually see top, bottom, left and right without us turning our heads. Why then do humans still bother to bend their heads down and up? Imagine the amount of weight pressurizing the pivots! Did you know that of our 12 ribs, the first 4 are fixed to protect the heart, the next 6 are fixed to the fifth rib and can actually shift out when our lungs expand, and the last 2 are totally floating? The human body has been well-planned.

One of the loudest sounds in the world is a baby's cry (it's a 3-figure decibel sound). Watch a baby breathe. It uses its diaphragm! If you ever wonder how small the vocal folds are, look at your pinky. The pink patch is how small your own vocal fold is. Imagine a baby. If such a small pair of vocal folds can produce such a loud sound, imagine how much you could produce if you project your voice. Toddlers scream and cry all the time. Have you wondered why you never see a toddler who's lost his voice or has a sore throat? He uses his diaphragm!

Interesting indeed. Good thing I don't repeat all the lessons I've learnt in school like I do this, eh? Perhaps I'll write all that I've learnt from first aid course next week. >< -winks at Alanna-

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Saturday, June 1, 2002 05:21 p.m.

It's amazing how tired I can be. It's the holidays! I guess it's because I've been waking up early every day and sleeping relatively late. Even though I sleep on the bus and train I am still tired. Thankfully yesterday I slept relatively (stress: relatively) early at 10+p.m. and woke up relatively (again stress: relatively) late at 7+. I was actually intending to wake up at 6a.m. so that I could so some homework before going for my dental appointment and speech training course but decided to sleep in instead and to stick with my original speech.

I should have put in more effort in my speech. The evaluation was a lot more disappointing than the last one. I could have at least prepared but I was too lazy to do so. I just didn't feel like working. I was quite shocked yesterday in fact when I just decided to go offline, stop all my work, close all my open browser windows and shut down. In fact, I really feel like sleeping now but I can't keep neglecting my online commitments.

I'm feeling pretty sad at the moment. Perhaps I should feel happy that only one person is online, since I can then concentrate on my work, instead of diverting my energy to a lot of people at one go, but I feel lonely. I miss De Wen somewhat, even if I don�t exactly appreciate him when he�s with me. I miss going out with friends too, but I know that I can�t always go out with friends since it will have a negative effect on my already contracting amount of time.

Tomorrow is Sunday, and I�m going to clear up everything. I�m sad that I have to go, but I�ve mentally prepared myself to go already, and nothing will stop me from going. I�m transferring church. My parents haven�t exactly approved or disapproved but they do know about it and since they haven�t had any strong feelings towards anything, I will just transfer church. It�s weird though that a church leader�s daughter is in another church. I guess I have three reasons for changing church. First, the new church will be nearer, and even if it is only a one week affair that I�m going to church, it�s a psychological blessing too in that I feel less stressed with my time constraint. Second, I need a change. I don�t want to face the same people all the time. I seriously have a problem with people, and it�s not their fault, it�s mine. I realise that I�m not exactly clicky. I do have a select number of good friends, but otherwise I�m pretty much intruding into clicks and I don�t like that. People do say hi and bye to me and I do make an effort to get to know people, but�I don�t know. Third, I want to put back the bad memories of certain things e.g. my LTF Camp Commander had to remind me several times just to send/bring the budget and my Treasurer partner also had to call me a few times to make certain arrangements. Even as a Treasurer, I never did anything besides getting and sending the budget. They probably never needed me. I never turned up for any meetings other than the first one because of other commitments. In choir, even though I was a Treasurer, I wasn�t exactly active. Part of my job scope was to remind everyone of offerings but I never did it because I don�t feel comfortable speaking out loud. Also, I did lose a receipt once even though I eventually found it. Finally, I didn�t particularly enjoy my job, counting offerings and doing a record. I didn�t turn up quite a number of times for choir too, again because of other commitments.

I think I�m similar to most people but I�m just more on the quiet side. I joke, but I when I joke I target jokes at everyone and not just one person, so I seem isolated. Some people band together to target jokes at one person. I have good friends, but I�m independent. I don�t depend/rely/spend a lot of time with one person exactly, so I end up moving around and sometimes feeling as if I�ve no particular rooting. There are people I�m really close to, like the people mentioned under the �Friends� section, but I don�t exactly have close friends in places like council, class and choir where I spend a lot of my time at, so I feel alone sometimes. I�m still trying to think things out and find my personal identity.

Besides, I think a lot on others� problems too, even though people may not actually think I do because of how busy I am. Chin Siong has quit council because of numerous reasons. I empathise with him. On one hand he is juggling commitments like Economics Society (President), Humanities and Social Sciences Research Programme (HSSRP), CIP (he gives voluntary tuition to a child) and council, and now that he�s quit council, he has to face not only the feelings of loss, but has to answer to his council teachers, his council friends, his non-council friends, people who voted him in, and basically everyone. I relate with him also because he seemed a lot like me. I don�t talk a lot. I spend most of my time smiling, and listening, because I�ve got nothing to say. I�m just thankful that people don�t mind me listening and still offer to include me in their activities. I just hope that what they show is sincere and not superficial. I don�t know Chin Siong well, but from what I see he doesn�t talk much too, but listens. I guess he must feel isolated too.

Sharon is unhappy because Yexiang called her a freak. I�m sure Yexiang meant it as a joke but Sharon is really angry with him about it. I don�t know what to say. I really pity Sharon at being teased at all the time and having to cope with so many difficult situations. People tease her for being fat. She isn�t, and she isn�t greedy either, and people know it. It�s just that she gets so offended that they like to tease her for that. I think they don�t mean any harm, but it does hurt. Sometimes I wonder if my teasing (e.g. De Wen, Ailin, Sharon, Yexiang) hurts them. It�s because I�m close to them that I mock-insult/tease them, but seriously I don�t mean to. They�re my friends, why should I tease them? I get quite uncomfortable sometimes when Ailin gets angry with me. I don�t know if she is really angry or just mock-angry, and whether PubCo really appreciates the DARKSIDE or are really intimidated by it. I really love this DARKSIDE fantasy thing. It makes council more interesting. Seriously, I�m happy to be DARKSLAVE, serving the DARKLORD.

Talking about Yexiang, there�s a problem with him too. He�s acting distracted, and he doesn�t even respond to teases anymore. Today, I called him demanding a subsidy for PubCo and he didn�t even laugh and look shocked. Instead, he agreed! In fact, he even smsed me to tell me that he didn�t have enough money on him and asked me to apologise to the rest of PubCo. ??? I mean, does he think we will hate him or be disappointed in him because he doesn�t treat us? No. There is something SERIOUSLY wrong with the people in my social circle. And I think there�s something wrong with Alanna too. Are you ok, jie?

I was intending to talk about yesterday but I�ve clean forgotten what happened yesterday. Hopefully I�ll remember that, and manage to finish some online work before I go offline to watch Sister Act. I�ve watched that before but I really love the show and I hope I will actually get to watch it. Gosh...tv...

Here�s my SPEECH SKILLS FINAL EVALUATION sheet. Today was the last day of the course, and it was mainly presentation of speeches and one-on-one evaluation with the teacher. I left halfway after my turn to go out for lunch with Lin Hai, Sharon and Xing Yi.

NONVERBAL-

Anchoring/Leg movements:
STRENGTHS: "Good.�
Everyone�s anchoring was very good today, or maybe it always was the case from the start. I was in Group 1 on Tuesday, but swapped groups with Wen Qi, since she couldn�t make it for Group 2. I�m thankful for being in Group 2 though because I got to talk with more people, interact more with PubCo, wake up later (since Group 2 sessions are in the afternoon after Group 1) and finally be able to start later so they I could go for my dental appointment in the morning today. I actually came late for Group 2 today because of my dental appointment but I had applied for leave yesterday, and besides, our group hadn�t started yet, because Group 1 took a much longer time than was originally allocated.

Hand Gestures:
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "Hardly any, and holding the script didn�t make it easier"
Yup�it�s still natural for me to keep still. Someone has to teach me to talk and gesture at the same time. Why would people gesture? I mean, what does it show? I personally get irritated when people repeat hand gestures when they talk. It distracts me.

Shoulders/Upper Body:
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "Hunched! Possibly because of your holding the script"
Su actually corrected our posture during the last speech training session. (Ah�now I remember what was yesterday about!) and told me to lower my right shoulder because I tend to raise it, being used to carrying a heavy bag on that shoulder. I think I was hunched because I was holding the script.

Eye Contact:
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "Hardly any because you read the script!"
Why so many exclamation marks? I guess I was really boring, because after a while people stopped looking at me, including Sherwayn and Run Yan, who were smiling at me and making me laugh from the start. Su asked me to practise not reading the script or to get speech cards. Then she reminded me of lessons in Nanyang but I forgot everything, to which she was quite appalled.

Facial Expression:
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "Very nervous!!"
NeoPets worked against me this time. I didn�t want to appear childish since people were talking about serious stuff like music and giving some whole history/GP essay with an addition of their personal history e.g. �I was from band in primary school�. I think I�m getting sick talking about NeoPets all the time. After all, the guild is a totally new idea to people and people have preconceived thoughts about it as a childish game. But aren�t I blaming people here? I don�t know�I guess because of my lack of preparation too, I couldn�t just go up there and speak. I didn�t discard my speech for an impromptu one like the one when I ran for council. I just went up there and read the script. I was totally not confident of myself. I didn�t believe in my speech.

VERBAL-

Voice projection:
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "No projection"
Same one. I realise I�ve been singing wrongly in choir. I�ve had a totally wrong concept of projection and support.

Articulation/Enunciation:
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "articulation/enunciation affected by change of braces this morning"

That I noticed. I couldn�t speak properly and there was so much saliva in my mouth. My teeth hurt. Sometimes I wonder how much one can push teeth in.

Pause/Pace:
STRENGTHS: "Good"
I thought I was fast but oh well...

Pitch/Tone of Voice:
STRENGTHS: "Good modulation"
Really? I didn�t notice that. I was speaking as usual, in terms of tone.

Voice quality:
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT: "Affected by lack of projection"
Hmm�

OTHERS
STRENGTHS: "Interesting topic!"
Didn�t think she would find it interesting, but I guess she did.

I feel even more like sleeping now! a1�s �Let It Out� is playing in my head now. I just love that song, but I was kind of disturbed at it. I think it takes maturity to make a relationship work. Frankly, I�m proud of the maturity I think I have. Either I have so much maturity I think a lot, or I�m totally paranoid and distrustful. I wish I wouldn�t keep getting disconnected. I admit I�ve been online just typing this blog when I could type it offline, but I just want the Internet on, for no reason really.

Avenging Angel sang a perfect song on Saturday, June 1, 2002 05:18 p.m.