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Esther, 17, HCJC Year 2, Singapore. A Christian who loves God, literature, music and art. Contactable via MSN (literature1999@hotmail.com) or ICQ (135922618).
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1st class honours for English and Geography (5 years) Get married Find cd Postcards (Aishu), Letter (Nat) Essay (Lit) Issues and Ideas (GP) Lit Summary: Victorian Religion 0108 - Council JTS 1308 - Violin Exam Grade 1 PRELIMS
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Autumn Song
It was a field trip to the Jurong Town Corporation HQ, the International Business Park and Jurong Island (specifically ChemGallery). Initially I was excited about it, but something happened that caused tension within the group. The Geography students were nice about it, and expressed their care and concern, but the scars from this incident have not faded. Like the incident of the day before, I was not directly involved, but unlike it, I was the closest person to one of the parties involved. I don't think this is the only reason the field trip ended up boring; the places weren't particularly exciting. But I did benefit a lot from this field trip, and enjoy the interactive games at ChemGallery and the company of my friends.
Violin Updates
I have 2 violin teachers, one for Wednesday lessons, the other for Sunday ones. My music school has a school holiday every fifth week of the month, during which normal music lessons for all students of the school are not compulsory, though the school is open for additional classes. I decided to have my lesson as usual; in fact although Wednesday lessons are not compulsory (not included in school fees, but are paid for on a lesson-by-lesson basis), I have chosen to have lessons every week. However, my teacher forgot that I had a lesson with her, and was in the midst of a piano lesson when I knocked on the door of the classroom at 8.10p.m. (after waiting 15 minutes for the 8p.m. lesson to start). The violin lesson lasted from 8.10p.m. to 8.50p.m..
One thing I've noticed about my violin lessons as compared to previous piano lessons is that violin lessons seem to have more flexible timings. Often, my lessons last longer than the stipulated 30 minutes. On Sundays, I am encouraged to look for my teacher when I reach the school so I can start my lesson earlier if my teacher is not occupied; on Wednesdays, we do the three exam pieces (once through, or twice if I could do better) and go through many many aural tests (8 for each section? -for the real exam I'm only given 1 question for each of the four sections-), finally concluding the lesson by playing the three exam pieces again. We do a lot of work in one lesson, but I love it.
On Wednesday, my playing was very good in my opinion, and I found that I could express myself like I do in piano, that my right hand and arm were moving more fluid-like and less rigidly, and that my left fingers were changing notes and strings with greater ease. During aural, I also found that I was singing better. Normally I am very airy although I usually perfect the pitch and melody, however yesterday I actually managed to achieve greater diaphragmatic control in addition to the above achievements and I felt better about myself. I am a true-blue soprano. I sing high notes best.
Next Wednesday will be the last Wednesday lesson before my exam. I may arrange for a violin lesson on the Monday just before the exam and consequently miss Geog remedial. I was feeling tired and a little irked that I had to go for violin lesson after a long day of school and field trip, and I was contemplating calling up the school and cancelling the lesson, however the violin lesson as usual did wonders for my mood (considering I was smiling and being quite perky on the bus home after the lesson). Music touches me deeply.
Academic Updates
People around me appear to be seriously studying for the Prelims. Traditionally a late starter, I have been fatigued and have not started my study. I have not been doing my homework - the Maths tutorials are as usual undone, and this morning I rushed my Econs a little desperately. I am also paying less attention in class - Wenjie found me staring at nothing/stoning during Geography lecture, and on the bus trip to JTC my mind was distracted by many thoughts. While I make an effort to understand the Maths solutions on the board and go through the questions, I am getting both overconfident of Statistics and bored of Maths. I have been doodling and writing and not attempting other questions during the time allocated during tutorials.
Many things have happened in school and there is much I want to express, but I have become numb and detached and although I want so much to just sit down like I am doing now and write and write and write, I do not manage my time well enough to enjoy this luxury. I am privileged to have a Maths lecturer who pays attention to me and waits for me to finish copying the solutions off lecture transparencies. I appreciate it. I don't pay attention during Maths lectures now, I write poems and draw cartoons or rush undone homework. I merely copy down lecture points.
On Wednesday I did a GP comprehension well judging from the effort I put in and the quality of work I handed up. We were supposed to complete the comprehension in class by 9.20a.m. (2 periods) but my GP tutor extended the deadline to the end of the day, and I happily wrote 1 and a 1/2 pages of Application Question on my views on marriage (Hey, feminism, marriage and motherhood are my specialities!) until 9.55a.m., before RUNNING to the canteeen, gobbling down all my food (yes, I actually cleaned the plate) in 6 minutes and proceeding for Human Geog lecture.
Today was a half day to acknowledge the school's efforts and achievements (SYF performers and academic/sports competition participants for training hard, juggling school work, and enduring the stresses of competition, teachers for being understanding about student training commitments and helping them in their work, councillors who were involved in cheering, supporters for taking the time to support the teams and cheer them on and the rest of the school for being a part of the school). Since NJ also declared a half day, Xin Yi and I had a LOVELY lunch -Yellow Submarine Student Meal for her and Fish Fillet Steak for me, plus a mocha glacier for each of us [iced-blended mocha with mocha ice cream on top]- and a wonderful chat at Black Canyon Coffee about school, prom, relationships, and boys, complete with fillers (on the more irritating aspects of life).
My block test grades are finalised. After moderation, here are my results:
Maths: E
Basketball
We had a GREAT basketball session during P.E. today. I learnt a lot about handling the ball, and tried shooting. After the basic lesson and practice, we had a game. The whole class had a whole lot of fun, including the supporters, those who weren't doing P.E. and were watching the game from their bench. Everyone who played had a shot at the ball; I used to hate and dread ball games because I am afraid of balls, but today I just played. I was catching balls (I caught more balls than I passed though, because I was easily intimidated by defenders from the other team), enthusiastically blocking and defending opponents, and I had many shots at the net. Xueling was commendable, being/having been an experienced basketball player (MVP, captain of 3 basketball teams, sports writer for Lianhe Zaobao, Arts faculty activity (?) rep, class P.E. rep), every shot she executed was perfect and accurate. Most importantly though, she was cheering others on (commending them on good defence etc.), advising people what to do (e.g. move further down the court, throw to which team-mate, who to defend etc.) and providing opportunities for everyone else to learn (e.g. catching rebounds and throwing these balls to other people repeatedly so they could shoot).
The praises I got were very morale-boosting and appreciated; I played hard and well (judging based on personal standards) and was really into the game, enjoying myself thoroughly. I played so hard I was so -whew!- physically exhausted. After the game I sweated for at least two more periods (despite having lessons in an air-conditioned classroom). I think I was stinking slightly. This basketball session was one that I didn't look forward to at first (was feeling fatigued) but which eventually left a deep and positive impact on me.
Friends
I love all my friends. They have been simply brilliant, wonderful people. My classmates have been really cool to be with (Peizhen, Wanfang, Sijia, Steph, Cheryl, Sanny, Jamie, Meiyan, Serene -this is half the class, but each one of them has seriously done at least one thing in the past week which I've appreciated, can you believe it?-), the Lit and Geog people -from other classes-, my juniors and friends around school. Even online friends have been great, like Mei, Bingz and Chrissie, whose comments I appreciate a lot even though I normally don't say anything in response. I've been meeting up with my best friend Xin Yi more. Today Aishu came over in the morning while I was rushing Econs, and later in the day called me up during break and said she wanted to spend break with me, which I really appreciated.
Nat's been really sweet despite her stresses, Haihan's been nice, and there have been other nice little meetings between me and some councillors e.g. Lin Hai, Ailin and Kelvin, Cexiang, even members of the 30th like Gullnaz. (I think I haven't yet mentioned Waiye, who really impressed me sometime last week 'cos she offered to, and actually did, shelter me to the bus stop on a rainy day and later sheltered voluntarily someone else whom she saw standing in the rain.) Sometime this week I talked to Daniel and Colin, just now Jevon called up and we chatted for some time (he gave me his hp number, which I'd lost in a phone accident, and asked me out to lunch -next week probably- to catch up). Had a little sms exchange this week and nice long serious chat and e-mail exchange today with Hui Jun (it's amazing that although my blog entries -are- long, my e-mails are usually quite short, so it was quite remarkable that I was able to send such a long e-mail over).
Music
Current cd is Celine Dion's A New Day Has Come album. I've moved from Michael Card to Billy Gilman to A Walk To Remember OST to Celine Dion. She's a brilliant singer and her songs are great.
Slam Dunk
Still at Book 3 of 7. Date due today. I think I will wait for them to question me about the books.
Movie
I actually watched the movie The Blue Lagoon on Channel i last night from 10p.m. to close to midnight. It was disturbing, this quality largely caused by the images and the eerie music. The theme of life (vs. death) was very striking. I also noticed certain repetitive images. The image of blood occurred quite often and served to increase the tension, and more importantly to act as a symbol of life, or the loss of it, the notion of human mortality. The image of the Victorian photos reappeared during various stages of the movie, representing the stages of life and the discovery of these different stages, the ideas of growing up and adaptation. There was the idea of adaptation to the change in living conditions on the island (as opposed to the children's previous habitation) and the change in living conditions as a result of moving to different parts of the island, supported by the images of manmade (house) and natural (cave, clearing -a spiritual shelter-) shelters. There was the concept of adapting to puberty, sex and marriage. The image of poisonous berries as a symbol of death occurred on at least three occasions. The image of the ship acted as a symbol of hope/salvation - we see the children's change from desperation to indifference towards this; the question of whether one wants to be saved or is content to wallow in mud. Linked to this was the juxtaposition of black and white as the mud covering almost the entire bodies of the children was contrasted with the white sails of the ship -this effect was amplified through repeated shifts of view from the ship to the children and back again-. The recurrent image of the ship may represent a repeated offering of salvation.
The story is about two young children who are shipwrecked on an island and who grow up and discover their sexuality. Eventually the girl gets pregnant and gives birth to a baby, and both boy and girl have the added responsibility of looking after the child. In some ways the story was far-fetched, but it was...disturbing. I am still disturbed. It wasn't meant to be horror-scary, but there were quite a few spots of tension. There was the idea of mystery and mysticism/religion -the idea of God, and how he is defined. There were various types of conflict, namely conflict between man and nature -as evidenced by the two storms, the incident where the girl stepped on the poisonous stone fish by accident and became very ill, as well as the repeated spearing of fish for food and the children's intrusion of nature as they are displaced to the island-. This effect is only emphasized by the wealth of vivid natural videography in the movie. There is conflict between man and man - trivial squabbles between man and woman, the tribal sacrificial ritual where the natives killed a man, and the threat of enemies both imaginary and real. There is the made-up threat of the the boogieman, which adds to the sense of the unknown, and the real threat of the tribe).
The Blue Lagoon is definitely not a cheap entertainment flick. Many people may find it boring and unrealistic, however its literary significance was very glaring and obvious, and kept striking me over and over again. A work of art.
General Emotions
I'm physically tired (slept at 2a.m. for the past two nights, my fault, and this afternoon just came home, grabbed my grey coat for a headrest and dozed off soundly on the hard wooden floor of my bedroom for 1 and a 1/2 hours, the air-con in the background and I, fully dressed in school uniform, my hair tied and socks on) but by God's grace there have been great moments. My family has been nice to me - had a long chat with my dad once and have been talking to my mom and sharing things with her. Brother has been nice too. Not reading the Bible, merely praying during meals and when people ask me to pray for them. I've been emotionally ok (could be because I'm very physically exhausted), in fact, I'm more calm and logical now - I can think clearly and say things that make sense.
I haven't been talking to De Wen -he hasn't smsed in two days, which is a vast difference from his 5 sms a day on average routine-, in fact, I haven't even been seeing him around school. I've been talking to my friends (namely Xin Yi and Aishu) about him, not really because I need to but more just to share the reasons for certain actions I've taken. I initiated the topic with Lucius and Aishu today, but I didn't really say much. I don't want to talk about him. My relationship has reached a point where it's uncontrollably crashing down in front of me and both of us are not doing anything about it. As I told a select few, I have a feeling he gave up a long time ago.
Spent close to 2 hours blogging again. Have been actually struggling against fatigue. Will sleep now. Good night, and God bless.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:12 p.m.
New layout.
Update: I have removed the 'Current Status' section as well as the links to the blogs of people I don't know personally.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 01:39 a.m.
I like my class. During lessons we actually seem to be a class. I like PC, because it's when everyone contributes to the discussion of literary works and ideas are shared. I am quite outspoken nowadays during Lit and PC tutorials but I hope I'm not being irritating. I smile a lot, and many of my classmates smile back.
During break I discussed Maths with Sean.
GP was quite pleasant. I'm on quite good terms with my GP tutor now, although it's a purely professional relationship and I'm quite content to keep it that way. We did a discussion of the block test comprehension and I asked quite a few questions. I realise that I'm not afraid to ask questions in class. I talked to Mrs. Tan today. Most probably we'll go through the block test essay (privately) on Thursday or Friday. I genuinely want to do better. I hope that people will not judge me based on this block test (D7) and respond in a shocked and/or disappointed manner.
Maths. A little awkwardness and tension today. I don't want to talk about it, since it's potentially hurting and doesn't concern me.
Econs. Tension continued but it still doesn't concern me. Was really jittery. My heart was beating very fast and I was breathing very rapidly too. Worried about AMC. Also worried at how I'd get out of class in time for AMC 'cos Econs ends at 3 and AMC starts then. Saw Sean and other Maths people passing the classroom a little before 3, which made me even more stressed. There was a certain strength in their movements (perceived/imagined by me of course), sort of like when the basketball teams in Slam Dunk come out proudly to court at the start of a competition. I mean, who am I competing against? Do I need to reiterate the qualifications everyone else has? Really had trouble paying attention in Econs lesson, the feeling of dread was too overpowering I thought I'd die even before I sat for the competition.
Anyway at about 2.50-something, Peizhen (thankfully) told me I should start going, and then I hesitantly raised my hand and squeaked that I had to go 'cos of AMC. Even JT (who has extraordinarily sharp hearing) couldn't hear me, and although I repeated myself I couldn't make my voice louder...too scared. On approval, I just grabbed my pencil case and bag and tottered out of class. Saw the Maths people going into LT2 so I did, put my bag at the aisle and went off to the toilet. Ran to the toilet and ran back to try to work off the nervousness. Just when I was entering the LT, Peizhen returned me my Econs TYS and wished me all the best. Which I really REALLY appreciated. Thank you Peizhen. I don't know how to express how scared I was then.
So I tried to be cool about it. I mean, I -was- going for a competition, even though I don't usually go for competitions (not good enough and even when I was good enough, I was naughty and skipped training sessions until I was eventually not good enough). Settled myself firmly in my seat, took a swig of water, clasped my hands together, closed my eyes and prayed a long prayer. Then I did the paper.
My fingernails were purple-blue. I could see them. In my concentration on the paper, I didn't really take notice of the cold, even though I -was- really cold, and just happened to notice the colour of my nails. The paper was tough, tougher than the 1997 and 1998 practice papers. I was cursing inwardly. 'Damn...' I guessed 1 question from the first 10 questions (3 marks each, incorrect answer worth 0 marks) and 1 or 2 more from the next 10 (4 marks each, incorrect answer worth 0 marks; the first 20 questions are supposed to be easy). Then out of the last 10 questions (8 marks each, blank answer worth 3 marks, incorrect answer worth 0 marks), I only attempted TWO measly questions. I really couldn't do the paper. It wasn't my state of mind. It was my standard of Mathematics. Which was disastrously POOR. Even the first few questions (the easy ones) were tougher than the usual first few questions, even though they were doable. I was giving up halfway, very very demoralised. And I thought of myself, the ONLY Arts student out of 140+ people sitting for the paper (imagine!) -and I'm only just passing MATHS C by ONE mark-. I really didn't want to look at the scoreboard a few weeks/months later when the results are out. I'll probably be at the bottom, and very far bottom. It's like people will all probably get like at least 100+/150 (conservative estimate, they'll probably do even better, and smart people will get even higher, close to full marks, and there I'll be like 70 or something. HAIZ. And everything will be on the scoreboard and the WHOLE SCHOOL and all the MATHS PEOPLE will all see and know what a lousy person I am and how STUPID I was to even try.
Rushed out after the paper, was among the first to hand in when they said 'Time's up' and to start handing in. It's not like I have a lot of time to rot in an LT. (I pride myself on brisk walking btw - people can hardly keep up with me.) Rushed to the toilet then walked out, on the way calling Lin Hai and settling the photo orders (yes, they're all handed in to Vic though a few people still owe me money) -I was really quite perky on the phone and I wonder why considering I had more difficulty keeping my smile on after doing the paper. Maybe that's why people think I'm a happy person-. Then I went downstairs, calling Xin Yi on the way also. Thank God she was at Coffee Bean so I happily rushed down to Coffee Bean to meet her. Just wanted a little bit of comfort.
Was very hungry because I'd only eaten 3 fishballs and a few bites of fish burger (threw the rest away) because I didn't have time to eat during break. I was doing Maths with Sean, and almost forgot about eating. Thank God Sean got a ribena for me during break. Got a cold Chocolate of a Thousand Leaves cake and a small Ultimate Iced-Blended Mocha with whipped cream (which was really very well blended, with a generous blending of expresso beans). Had so much to tell Xin Yi...so many things have happened since we last met (on Saturday, imagine!). We had a great talk, and a great bus ride home. Then I went up, told Mom about the AMC and other stuff (including how I felt about Dad scolding my bro all the time, and about my bro and dad -I hope I didn't come across too negative-, maybe I told too much, but my longsuffering mother just patiently listened to me). Mom's sick, and yet she checked out Australian University (specifically the University of Melbourne) applications for me ('cos she was sick of my dad nagging all the time and 'cos I didn't do it). Deadline for application is 31st October, imagine! I need to do well for Prelims. Hope to go in the University of Melbourne in March (before A level results are released), hopefully either on a University of Melbourne scholarship or a Singapore Press Holdings one (hopefully a University of Melbourne one, 'cos that one has no bond and I don't think they have interviews and whatnot -I don't think interviews and writing tests affect my chances at getting in =whether positively or negatively= but they're just troublesome-).
Was thinking of making my blog private today. I know I said I wouldn't but my blog is too important to me to take off, yet I don't want someone to read it. I did a phenomenally stupid thing today which got me into a great shock and pissed myself off greatly. I was supposed to send an sms to someone who was a good friend of someone else so I did and told that someone not to let that someone else know the contents of my sms, but what did I do? I sent that someone else the sms instead! I deleted him off my phone book today though, just the first entry, so I won't send him any sms or call him by mistake. But anyway, I am not going to make my blog private because I won't do something which is not entirely fool-proof. I can't -risk- things I deem private being exposed to people I don't want them exposed to.
Tomorrow is Ge's birthday!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO GEGE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!! Yay!! -throws confetti and balloons- I haven't got a prezzie yet. Will get it for you soon k?
Didn't sleep with his coat on Sun. Monday morning I brought his coat and umbrella to school but he didn't come collect them from me so I just left them at my class bench and told him they were there. Thursday probably I'll buy a cd holder (a small prezzie) and put all his cds inside (those without the casing) and on Friday I'll return all his cds to him. I don't want to owe anything. My (ex-)ex-ex's orange music file is still with me, untouched and unopened, collecting dust in my room. I don't want a repeat of that. I feel a little bad, because DW just sent me a nice sms (After I sent him the mistake sms, he smsed back something which unwittingly hurt me because I was upset over AMC and he was talking about how he didn't do much better and from what he said, he looked like he did do WAAAAYYYY better, and the last thing I wanted to do was compare -with him especially- when I felt so lousy, but after I smsed back -negatively, but not harshly- he sent another sms which was nicer), but yes, I'm still quite pissed with him.
There's nothing anyone can do about it, I think.
I took a break from SI (I never really called what I did SI, but ok, just take note that my version of SI is different from most people's -and I've been practising many forms of SI since Primary School =it was either much worse then or of a comparable standard= so it's not like I'm being influenced by anyone to do anything) for 1 day because my genitals weren't ready for another dosage, but I did it yesterday night and this morning again. I'm doing it less though, which is nothing to be happy about, because it still hurts loads -and the hurt lasts for quite a while-, and the fact that I'm doing it less is suggesting to me that my body can't take anything more... (from 1h thrice a day to 20 min twice a day to 10+ minutes twice a day now.)Was pulling out skin from my thumb today. Hurt 2 nails yesterday, then cut my fingernails and toenails so I wouldn't hurt my nails anymore. Which is good.
Got cheered up today after AMC before meeting Xin Yi 'cos Haihan called and asked for permission to include my 14 sonnet-sequence "To The 29th" in the council memoir (to be given to each councillor, and consists of writeups by every councillor and standing and working com-chairs, I think). Even if I can't do Maths, I can write. And I can run.
Take care all. God bless.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:55 p.m.
Anyway here are my Geography results:
Physical Geography
Human Geography
Overall: 42/90 (46.6%)
Moderated thereafter to a D (thank God)
Australian Maths Competition tomorrow. Said I'd work hard but I didn't. I'm still at where I left off after the official training last Tuesday. It's not like I'm going to work harder either. I did check the Internet, one community library and the school library for AMC sample questions but couldn't find any. (But now it occurs to me that they may be in another section I didn't check.) I was quite half-hearted actually, because looking at the Maths section and all the thick books there reminds me of De Wen, and I spotted two copies of The Man Who Loved Only Numbers by Paul Hoffman (De Wen likes this book) which I can't borrow because I realise I'm quite hard-pressed for time and have a lot to catch up for in my studies. I'm feeling like it was naive and counting chickens before they're hatched to ever think I could compete with any of the F Maths and bla-bla-bla qualified Maths students in my school (need I reiterate the whole list of qualifications?) especially because I'm not doing anything about it and not intending to do anything about it.
Econs tomorrow is a double period which means it's extended after school, because JT forgot to come to class today (of course during her absence I was making full use of my time and copying the blanks in the set of Public Finance lecture notes because I'd missed a lecture last Monday). I have to come prepared with my Case Study done so that's one piece of homework I have to do. Maths is optional. Then AMC preparation (I will at least do SOME preparation, probably finish up the two papers and revise). Although Colin and I were talking last night about my plans for Prelim revision (I have to start very soon, especially given the dire status of my knowledge of the syllabus) and I decided to just return the 7 books of Slam Dunk after only reading 1+ books (I thought I had time because I'd borrowed them for 2 weeks, as opposed to 15 books in 2 weeks during the June hols) but after talking to Stephanie I feel it is rather a waste and as usual, idealistic me is going to attempt to finish everything by Thursday, the due date. I need to finish the set by then because a) it's the due date and b) although the people are very nice and could extend the deadline (I actually was only given 1 week but I negotiated for 2 weeks when I borrowed the books) I should wrap this up quickly and proceed to do my revision.
Shining came over to talk to me today while I was sitting at the councillors' bench and said she came across my blog by chance and thought I sounded sad (I thought I was angry actually, and emotionally unstable, but on re-reading yes, I actually do seem more sad that angry) and that was different from the usual happy me. Frankly I'm glad that people view me as a happy person because often sadness clouds my life so much that my depression becomes obvious. I really appreciated what Shining did today, though I was rather awkward, but yes, thank you Shining. :D Aishu also read my blog last night. I'm scared of attention actually (although the irony is that when I'm feeling down I tend to think no one listens and no one bothers to listen), but yes, I appreciate it.
Today was Day 1 in full retaliation (to De Wen). Told Aishu today that although I knew I wasn't ditched, I'm going to act like I am. It was a little distracting during classes, couldn't help thinking of him, but I managed to pull myself back to attention. It was a pretty good day at school really. He smsed some, but I retaliated in sarcasm (though I tried to tone down on the sarcasm -usually I do try to be nice-) and he hasn't smsed since noon or so. Not only do I no longer expect to go out with him, it doesn't matter anymore. If he wants to go out with me, I'm going to reject him. This makes it better for me actually, because often I get worried over sms and sometimes I actually can't wait to check my sms because I'm afraid he's asking me out and won't wait or he's about to go home and I want to call him back. Now I know I'm not going out anyway even if he asks. I don't think he'll even ask me out, to tell the truth, but it makes a lot of things easier if I know that whatever he does doesn't matter anymore.
Aren't I cruel? Colin asked me if I was throwing a tantrum yesterday. I denied it, but the truth is, I am. But I hope that if you think I'm cruel, you'll at least bother to see the circumstances that led to this and try to understand how I've been feeling.
It does hurt. But I'm trying to ignore the pain, as I said I would.
In reality, I'm not in control of this relationship because I'm in too deep. I don't want this relationship to end. The fact is, -he- is in control. Because whatever I do, it doesn't seem to help him nor this relationship. He's still absorbed and caught up in whatever he's caught up in and well, neglecting me (not entirely, but sufficiently). It's not his fault. But I'm trying to exert a control even though I know that it's not me in control. This time I'm making a decision to leave, not the relationship, just walk off to a far corner of the room instead of exiting it completely. I'm going to carry on with my own life like I've exited the room, and wait until he calls me back or bans me from entering the room (break up), when he finally makes a decision. Because I realise now that since I don't want to leave this relationship but my efforts to sustain it are futile, only he can return this relationship back to where it was.
A desperate but quite essential move really.
(Let me whisper a secret...my heart is not so difficult to change. Once I love, I may not love wisely but too well.)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:13 p.m.
There was a storm just. A dark sky with thunderous clouds and silver lightning streaking across the sky, wind whipping the trees, the grey misty rainfall through the sky, pat-pat-pattering on the floor of the courtyard, and the distinct smell of rain.
I was distracted by the storm. It was a good while to curl up in bed, but I didn't. I was reading comics downstairs, in the lighted dining room, while all around me was dark. I didn't like the storm.
It's been a long time since we really talked. Even that Tuesday, I felt that it was just him pouring some of his problems out. What I wanted to say was always held back until when I got really pissed and blew up over sms. Today he pissed me off again. Excuses again. And I don't know if he meant to, but then he shared something else, which was a reinforcement to what I already knew, and helped me to be more understanding of his problems. Unfortunately, just because I'm more appeased just knowing some of his problems, knowing that he's facing problems and hence trying to understand doesn't solve the problem, because as always I feel that my problems are never heard, and somehow I always view myself as an irritating petty girl only interested in trivial concerns.
What he says sometimes really doesn't tally. It just seems like an excuse to shrug me off. I don't think he's as crazy as me as to discern every little detail. To be fair I may be scrutinizing too much at little details and missing the big picture.
I really should appreciate my friends for being there. Why does one DW matter so much? I need to get back my logic and stop being so emotionally unstable.
I'm tired. I'm going to go to sleep and wake up (hopefully) more logical. Tomorrow I'm going to sit at the council bench and collect the photo order money. I told Vic I'd sms PubCo a reminder but I really don't feel like doing it though I sms-ed them on Friday to tell them how much to bring etc. And then I'm going to ignore DW for the rest of my life until since he seems to be getting on very well without me.
OK...and then just as I type this he suddenly messages, "Cheer up k?" and I start feeling a lot happier. Stupid Esther. You're falling desperately.
So yes, when my logic gets back, I will work harder at my studies (should thank DW for the reminder, and this part really wasn't sarcastic) and try to ignore the pain.
By the way, over dinner tonight I was eating chicken and this huge piece fell into my windpipe or something or other, and I choked and coughed very badly. I really didn't like it 'cos I was coughing to the point of puking and I was feeling like I was choking.
And what did you know. My entire family completely ignored me.
Plus my parents have been talking to me about my pimples, which is quite irritating because I don't like people criticising my looks, and also because I have been TRYING but I don't like doing certain things.
Thirdly, a certain conversation went on at dinner.
Dad: Have you checked out registration for Australian Universities?
And then my mother and father started talking about irresponsible parents and compulsory education and I was wondering internally why everything just needed to move on and why no one could see beyond everything to deal with my emotional problems.
You don't have to say it. I can say it myself. Get a life, Esther.
I guess as long as my logic is up and running properly I can make it through the As. Just the As. Then next year I'll be on to a new life.
By the way, Prisca is spending three weeks now in Prague, Italy and Austria. I hope she's having fun. I miss her. And I really appreciate the e-mail she sent me. I also appreciate a lot of friends actually, like Hui Jun and Colin and ge, to name a few people who've touched my life in a certain way (mostly through sharing) recently.
Getting a headache AGAIN. Tomorrow is a long day. I don't like it. But what to do? I don't think skipping school is right no matter how depressed you are. Breaks help, they do, but I don't like overdependency. (I'm not referring to anyone whom I know reads my blog or whom I've talked about here before anyway.)
Going to sleep. Argh.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:12 p.m.
You know, one thing that's always stayed with me is the line 'Salvation is of the Lord', during his prayer in the belly of the great fish.
There was much talk about this RJ girl who committed suicide. I don't even remember her name now. But she was choir president in RGS and student councillor in RJC, known for being happy-go-lucky, friendly and helpful. My friend said she always had the feeling that this girl kept her problems to herself. She hung herself eventually, and everyone was shocked, because they thought she had everything going for her.
Somehow Elizabeth was quiet. I think something was troubling her. She didn't share anything, and no one made her. I was the last one to provide my weekly sharing. Lily turned one full circle to everyone and then me. My sharing is getting lamer. How can a one-liner ever mean anything? I said, "I had a rough week. Very busy." or something like that. Why does it seem that I'm the only one giving such vague and unjustified statements? Everyone always either has a busy week, they've been studying or attending this and that or going out or reading the Bible or just being normal and I'm always the one with the problems. It almost seems like I'm being attention-seeking. I feel so awkward in Sunday School. Plus it was so dejavu, because Yan Wei had just said that she'd had a rough week 'cos of that RJ girl incident and I'd just copied her entire phrase, not intentionally.
And then they were talking about whether it was right for Christians to commit suicide. And I was quoting loads of scripture in my head. I didn't say it out, 'cos I didn't want to be hypocritical. I mean some people are obviously good Christians, and they say 'typical' Christian things, which I sometimes get annoyed about. I know a lot of Bible references, and they come naturally, but if you look at my relationship with God it's extremely pitiful, and it's my fault, not God's, and I don't want to give the impression that I'm extremely spiritual when I'm not. I'm going through a lot of spiritual struggles.
But anyway I said a lot of typical Christian things, because I knew that it was right, that it was the truth, and I believed it. But for me it was a question of logic versus emotions. I can do a lot of things when I'm thinking straight, but sometimes I can stop thinking straight and it's when I sink...
Like now.
I pitied the girl. Because in the midst of all her 'happiness' no one could see the sadness underneath.
And although I didn't dare to compare myself to her because I always think whatever I do is unjustified, that I have no right to be sad and bla-bla-bla, I just felt that people were just passing me by, and I wanted to be comforted.
The story of Jonah, simply put, is about a prophet Jonah who was dejected because he didn't seem successful as a prophet in Israel. One day God told him to go to Nineveh of the Assyrians, a very wicked nation, enemy of Israel, to ask its inhabitants to repent and warn of God's punishment on the nation. Jonah was doubtful because he wasn't even successful in his own land and now he had to go to an enemy, an exceedingly wicked city, and preach to them. He ran away and boarded a ship to Tarshish, in the opposite direction. But there was a storm, and Jonah was cast into the sea and swallowed by a great fish for 3 days and 3 nights, after which he prayed to God. After being spit out on dry land, he went to Nineveh and proclaimed its downfall in 40 days. The people repented and God forgave them. Jonah was angry because this nation was an enemy nation and very wicked yet they were forgiven, and also because his prophecy of Nineveh's fall in 40 days didn't come true. He was so angry he wanted to die. So he built a booth and sat outside the city to watch what might become of it, and God gave Jonah a gourd which grew in a day and sheltered him and wilted thereafter, leaving him uncomfortable in the hot heat. Jonah was angry. Then God said, if Jonah had had pity on the wilted gourd which grew up in a day then died, and which he didn't even work for, what more a large city with so many people and children? Jonah was selfish, and God helped him look at things in perspective.
I was irritated. The people at Sunday School were laughing at Jonah's stupidity. Yes they recognised that he was human, a realistic prophet, that when we keep a journal we look back at our entries and laugh at how silly we were in the past. I didn't really participate in the discussion. Jonah wasn't stupid.
Then I started asking questions towards the end...very weird questions. The incident about the gourd was troubling me. "What if Jonah had worked to plant the gourd?" "What if Jonah had seen that the gourd was going to die and had killed it?" Would whatever he did be justified? I mean, we're all only human.
My teacher said I could speculate until the cows come home. I felt like a stupid idiot.
No NONE OF YOU SEE THE SIGNIFICANCE BEHIND MY QUESTIONS. And I hate myself you know. Because I worked for this relationship and now it's like my labour is in vain. And I hate myself at the same time because I'm not supposed to take my work into account, I am supposed to love selflessly. And when I came into this relationship I made a vow I can't break out of. Nor do I want to.
On the way home, Rachel and Yan Wei were talking on and on about the RJ girl who died. Yes, Justina, it was, I remember her name now.
I felt very ignored 'cos I didn't want to talk about her and her alone. Selfish yes. I think it's because I wasn't already in a good mood. Because I was suicidal this morning. Not really not thinking straight suicidal, just that I was frustrated and I don't know, I just looked at the photo order forms and De Wen's coat and his umbrella that I still have, and then I just made it a point to get everything done, just return everything I owe and then drown myself in a canal afterward.
After Rachel left, I sent DW an sms about Jonah but he didn't understand it.
I told De Wen I hated him today. Just "I hate you". I don't know what meaning everyone will find in this. Somehow I think no one understands me anymore, and I don't even have the heart to tell anyone anything. There's too much to tell anyway, and all my concerns are petty and stupid.
And you wondered what the 10th question of my quiz 3 was for, the How Much Do You Know About Esther quiz.
Why do I always feel like I'm hinting everything, and that everything is so obvious to me but not to others?
Even the petty things aren't working for me. A spoilt charger and a cd player. Just because they're petty doesn't mean I can't get upset over them. I don't know. I really wish someone would just LISTEN for once.
But then again I never could live in this kind of world. Everyone was too good for me and I for them.
I always give myself two sides of the story. I try to believe others are better than I am. If I were the judge and both lawyers in a court case, the prosecution witness me would lose the case. Take for example I say De Wen leaves me. The defence lawyer says no he didn't. And I know full well that he didn't. But something is WRONG you get it something is terribly wrong and NO ONE UNDERSTANDS...
And I cried on the bus.
(Of course, as you can expect, my phone died for a long time later and when I switched it back on I found that people had just CONVENIENTLY FORGOT about my sms, thrown aside whatever I had said...I mean, whatever I say isn't important right? And if I said I wanted to commit suicide, no one would take it seriously enough to sms, or to call. Only I would.)
And people think I have a good boyfriend. I do, ok. I notice it, yes. I could exalt my boyfriend forever. Because he really is good. And I'm proud to be his. Really. I blame myself all the time for not being good enough. But I don't have everything going for me. Selfish yes, but I'm human too. I have feelings too. I hate myself.
I tried to overcome the temptation. I tried not to let my emotions overtake. I knew I had to think logically or I would fall very badly. But I failed. Again.
I want to just end this relationship, terminate all connections with council and school and run off to Australia. But like my GP tutor said, even if I pulled out of school, it wouldn't help me.
I'm doomed terribly.
And I got drunk last night and told my deep dark twisted secret to my ge.
Confusion. Don't worry I won't die so easily. I'll muddle along life like I have been doing and just somehow slide somewhere.
I think a break up is morally wrong. It's not ok to say no to a gift. But God can take away this gift any time. And whatever he does, it will be for my good. I don't want him to take it away from me. But I'm hurting very badly and it's because I'm a stupid idiot girlfriend.
Does anyone see my dilemma? It's not a dilemma. It's something I have to accept. Just stick with it. And I'll cry for a looooooooooong time.
You know what, I never called you selfish before. Not even when you labelled yourself selfish. It surprised me when you did. But I really hate you now even though I still love you. You're heartless cruel and insensitive and your reasons are excuses. Blatant excuses. Even my best friend thinks that. This is totally UNACCEPTABLE. And you can dump me for all I care because my life is meaningless enough I don't think I could be sadder than I already am.
Now if you, as in general you, are smart, you would try to sieve out what I'm saying in a fit of anger and depression from what I really feel. That is my challenge to you again. But you don't really have to actually, because it's really at no loss to you, isn't it? Whether you understand me or not.
Perhaps I've frightened everyone off into deserting me and I'm going to go back to school tomorrow with no friends. And then I'll close my blog. And then I'll just die a lonely miserable death and I won't be a nuisance in the lives of those who hate me.
STOP demanding a disclaimer. I will NOT disclaim this entry any further because I am horridly angry and upset and you would all do well to leave me alone.
And you thought I was a nice and sweet girl (I am, actually).
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 03:30 p.m.
Declared officially the peak of happiness today (as opposed to depression). I was happy. Really.
Came online for a purpose. Not to blog, but to do something else. Even though my broadband was down I went on dial-up. A faulty connection will not tamper with my intention. Unfortunately I decided not to do what I had come to do.
Feeling a little down.
Starting to keep a lot of information off my blog. Starting to feel frustrated at things...won't say what.
Keeping more and more secrets. More suicidal thoughts (not serious don't worry), more injuring...
Going DOWWnnnnnn...
I hope church and violin tomorrow will help.
(I really really want one day free...)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:58 p.m.
But...now I'm feeling a little down and all I want to do now is just to go and sleep and not worry about anything else. By anything else what I really mean is brushing my teeth and reading the Bible and praying. I have loads of homework but I've decided not to do it and to just wake up at 5a.m. tomorrow to attempt some work.
I'm just very very tired and sick is all...my head is heavy...not enough sleep. Been really busy. My days have been really packed with work, really really packed, and I haven't been getting enough sleep. Didn't eat dinner tonight, no appetite, just threw everything away, including the coke. Got stomach pains later to add to the prevailing headache, think it's 'cos of not eating dinner. Stopped taking medicine. Not taking medicine.
I just wanna go to sleep and get rid of the headache and maybe wake up and feel better and more refreshed.
I'm ok...really I am...I've been really ok, but I need a little break here.
Please pray for me.
I'm praying for my friends. I remember each of you, I do.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:00 p.m.
Yes, I thank God for making seemingly impossible things possible.
I was very touched by the amount of concern showered upon me today by my friends, who missed my absence yesterday. Sijia asked me why I missed school yesterday during assembly. Wan Fang gave me the notes she'd kept for me while I'd missed school (it made me feel a little guilty for missing school because I was giving someone extra work to do though). Sanny, who came later in the day as she had had a dental appointment in the morning, asked about me too. Lucius asked about me during break. I think Cheryl asked about me after school. It really felt great to have so many friends who cared.
This wasn't the end of the concern. During Prac Crit (the first period), I felt really ill. I felt like puking and I scribbled on my Lit script to Sijia that I felt very ill, like puking. Surprisingly, she was concerned, and wrote back to suggest I go to the toilet or drink some water. I didn't do anything for a while, but later I decided on the water and Steph -quite cutely actually- pointed at my coat questioningly, then on ascertaining what I wanted, passed my bottle over without irritation. I drank the water, which made a slight sound, and Sijia tapped me on the back. We were supposed to go down the line from Steph to Sijia to me then further down, each one of us asking questions or making comments about the extract from Edgar Allan Poe's The Fall of the House of Usher. When it got to me, I was still quite sick but managed to ask my question, "What is the function of the dragon?" then Ms. Heng said, "Trust Esther to think up something like that." I suppose I have a certain reputation in Ms. Heng's class (neither good nor bad really, but at least it kinda makes me unique, so I'm quite happy with it). Pleasantly the class was in a rather happy mood, I felt a kind of closeness with the class today. Unfortunately I was feeling very VERY ill by then, though I tried to patiently listen to Lucius explain the comparison of the dragon with Madeleine. I did pay attention though, although I said at one point, "I can't take it anymore." It was actually referring to how I was feeling physically at the moment, and was directed at Sijia, but given the silence then (save for Lucius' (or was it Xinyan's?) presentation), I think quite a few people, or perhaps the whole class, heard (the teachers must have heard too, for they were directly behind me). Xinyan smiled genuinely. I think she's a really nice girl actually, and she did a really good job on the presentation today (Lucius too, and Eileen...the passage really wasn't easy though it was well chosen by the group, and it took me a second read to actually understand it). Just as Lucius took a slight breath, I turned around and said to Ms. Heng, "I need to go to the toilet. I..." then I made a gesture like I was puking and after getting worried approval, ran out of the classroom. I wonder how I must have behaved then. Somehow I just couldn't say 'puke'. I think I was too far gone, too desperate. I went to the toilet, rushed into a cubicle, and just vomited and vomited and vomited...even though all I threw up was water, liquid. Just felt my throat opening unnaturally wide and liquid from down within rush up and out into the toilet bowl. I flushed the toilet, took quite a few deep breaths, leaned against the wall of the cubicle to rest for a while, rinsed and washed my mouth and my hands and finally headed out and back to class, awkwardly, where Ms. Heng asked me if I was all right, to which I weakly croaked 'yes'.
Here's where De Wen comes in. Frankly I was quite pleasantly surprised by him today.
When I was in the toilet, I had smsed him to tell him that I was vomiting very badly there to which he promptly replied. Further messages also showed quite a bit of concern, including an offer to send me home if I wanted to go home (which wasn't feasible in my opinion, but nonetheless very touching and appreciated). He patiently tolerated my conversation during recess and tried to get me to eat some cake (I didn't want cake, I didn't want to eat nor drink in the first place because I was afraid I'd throw everything back up). Sean came over at our insistence, both of them later urging me to go home and rest, but I somehow felt well enough and unwilling to miss school (it actually takes a lot for me to skip school). I got a bowl of porridge, some soft vegetables and nice meat, but in the end I barely touched my food, save a few mouthfuls of porridge. The whole meal was wasted, but thankfully DW told me I didn't have to finish everything. I tried to eat actually, but just didn't have the appetite to. DW patted my back a little (a few pats only, thank God, -I happen to be quite particular about PDA-ing- but I appreciated the thought a lot), I said some things I shouldn't have said (like me being a liability, 'cos I really felt that way, felt like I was being too much trouble to the two guys at the table -didn't want to be cared for so much-) but they either didn't hear or respond. We went our separate ways back to class.
Lit lecture was interesting. We finished Othello. YAY! I love Othello lessons. I like Mrs. Ang. GP was fun! Lucius and I had a good deal of fun playing with the Time worksheet unscrambling word puzzle. I really really really enjoyed myself! Here's where I really must thank God. I prayed about my GP block test. Eventually I still failed overall because I got a 30/50 for Comprehension, hence 48% (D7) for GP overall. But I wasn't really very upset. In fact I was quite thankful that I'd got at least a 30. I settled an appointment with my GP tutor to evaluate my essay next week, and actually smiled and asked her for the first letter of the three words Lucius and I couldn't unscramble in the little worksheet. Although Lucius and I were doing other things in class, I did try to pay attention, though I was quite absorbed in the puzzle as well. My GP tutor was nice, she even told the class that we were playing that game. I enjoyed GP lesson overall and what she was teaching about (I even found ideas to contribute) and had a lot A LOT of fun with Lucius (haha...it was really exciting figuring out all the words, and I realise Lucius really -is- quite good at the puzzle!). My hatred slowly faded away through the GP lesson, I started to appreciate what my GP tutor was saying (that we don't have to die just because we fail GP 'cos this is just a small fraction of time in our 90-year lifespan -we were discussing the idea of longevity, particularly that of Asians-) and I found that I genuinely wanted to learn, I cared about my GP tutor's feelings (I didn't want to be rude nor insensitive to her and was quite cautious of what I did or said) and that I didn't think anymore that she was being biased against me...
Mr. Yeow was sick and didn't come for Maths. In a way that was good, because I didn't do my tutorial, and I spent Maths doing my Econs DRQ. Although it was slightly hampered by my classmates' chatting I did manage to do some work and I also felt good with my classmates around (I love my class) and they actually said a few words to me and apologized for disturbing me. Apparently they think I'm quite pure because they were talking about not wanting to corrupt me with their jokes (I think). I decided not to shock them like I do the 29th. -gleams at the 29th who are reading this blog-
We got back our Econs scripts during Econs today as promised. I showed JT my MC and told her I had gastric flu, but she was nice about it and said she'd taken an MC yesterday too. Apparently I did better for my second essay than the first, which was quite surprising because if you look back a few entries at my block test evaluation you'd have realised that I thought the first question was easy, that I'd get an A for it, and that I'd get an F for the second one. JT told me that if I'd drawn diagrams for the second one I could have passed quite well. Anyway my score currently stands at 12/25 for the first essay (yes I failed) and 14/25 for the second, though my script is now with JT again because she didn't mark a small section of it. JT was really nice today, smiles galore. The whole cohort didn't do well for the essays, with my class scoring an average of 15-24/50. JT was quite encouraging, though practical at the same time, telling us what we could do about our scripts and going through the answers. We haven't got back our case studies. That is the worrying bit, because only one person in JT's two classes passed the case study and it's a 15/30 pass. The case study was genuinely very difficult.
My results tally currently stands at:
I had somehow had the misconception that today would end at 3, or 3.40p.m. (if JT decided to extend the period). She didn't, and I'd remembered one period late to start with, so I did have quite a good surprise when I was dismissed at 2.15p.m.. Since I had been hungry during Maths (but was busy with my DRQ), I decided to go to Coronation Plaza for a nice Unagi Don (that was BEFORE I realised after eating that Unagi Don -Grilled Eel with Rice- was SEAFOOD, and I wasn't supposed to be eating it). Thank God I finished my food rather quickly and got back to school by 3p.m.. I managed to finish my DRQ and do some GP before going for the AMC training.
To tell you the truth, I didn't even think De Wen would sit with me and I was prepared to sit alone actually. I don't know why I felt that way...I guess nowadays I try to believe negative things so that I get a surprise or at least don't feel so disappointed when things don't work out the way I want them to. But he did anyway, and the training session was actually mainly doing the practice paper. I sped through the practice paper, scribbling all over my paper and not really caring about my handwriting. I managed to get 19/23 right, which De Wen said was a pretty good score. I didn't get to attempt the 7 other (more difficult) questions but then again it could be due to the disruptions we had. The new MAC exco went through the questions people didn't know how to do. De Wen got a bit excited 'cos he was really enjoying it. Sean was working really hard on the tough problems. I was...uh...quite demoralised actually, 'cos first of all there were questions I a) didn't understand the requirements of in the first place, b) was stumped by at first and c) didn't understand the presenter's explanation of. But De Wen was very encouraging. I was quite uncomfortable sitting beside him at first because I suddenly felt a lot of pressure, like I was really stupid, like I didn't belong to this practice session, this MAC meeting, (and everyone else seemed to know how to do and understand everything) but I did learn a lot, and there -were- great morale boosters too. AMC -is- quite fun actually! We got the 1997 paper home to do but I haven't done it yet. I still need to finish the 1998 paper. I thank Sean for writing down the solutions to three questions I didn't know how to do and for offering to teach me, and De Wen for explaining things to me. I felt a little rude for whispering here and there and flashing my usual big grin but well, the presenters didn't really say anything.
De Wen surprised me by asking me out to dinner. I really didn't expect it but of course I agreed. Unfortunately there really was nothing much I could eat (since I shouldn't eat oily food and seafood). He wanted to eat Macs but was willing to eat somewhere else 'cos I couldn't eat oily food. I was really touched that he agreed to walk down to Cold Storage to walk around for a while even though I said I'd most likely not get anything from there, and we actually looked at Seventeen and I read this part about what guys thought of Singaporean girls and he said whether he agreed or disagreed with the featured comments. He also bought me this nice packet of cola sweets after I said I felt like eating some sweets, though I kept saying no.
We went back up to Macs and I ordered a chicken nuggets meal while he ordered his usual Spicy McCrispy Chicken Meal. Then somehow, we talked...
He shared a lot tonight. During Cold Storage, even just slight sharings... During dinner, we had a long and really serious talk, about things that he was struggling with, about the future, about our relationship, and he even asked me about Saturday's wedding. I was quite amazed at his frankness. Inside, my heart was wrenching with sadness but because the conversation was a level-headed one I used my head and I managed to face it suitably. I realised a lot of things about myself during that conversation, good and bad, about my selfishness and pride, my unwillingness to apologise, how much I gave and was/am willing to give, how loyal I am, how much I love him, how concrete my feelings are. I also got to know him a lot more. I think it was a good conversation. I shared a lot too, and we talked about God. I talked about God. Previously I'd been selfish and refused to talk about God, afraid that God would steal a place in his heart and tear me away from him (I felt like I was already struggling among his other affections), but I shared a lot about the recent things I've learnt, through the wedding and through church mainly. The greatest way to show you love someone is through sharing God. A relationship works best when both parties are not focused so much on each other as on God. We live for God, and in a relationship both parties help each other live for God.
He walked me to the bus stop where we met Aishu and Doris (we had met Aishu in Macs earlier with her Biomedical Quiz friends). Thankfully the bus came soon.
The bus ride home was horrid. I wanted to get home quickly, because I was about to puke again. Thank God after a while the woman beside me taking the inside seat left and I moved in, took off my scrunchie, leaned back against the seat and tried to breathe deeply. I had been very tired since the Maths training, but I was now physically sick again. (I was like that in the morning too, because the bus was too crowded, I think). I think it was partially my tiredness, my sickness, and also because I wasn't sitting at my usual seat (not facing the front, but sideways) and I was full from the food (which was oily too -though I'd taken the medicine just-). I think I was obviously ill, but thank God the bus came and I went home where I told my mom what had happened today (the health bits, basically). She concluded that I was just skimping on sleep (I shouldn't be waking up so early, nor waking up and going back to sleep then waking up again). I'm really tired now but at least I've finished blogging. Somehow I can't NOT write a long blog. Everything seems to be too important, and skimping on something will be too shallow.
De Wen's been very nice in his smses, and I've been trying to be nice too.
I'm going to sleep now and wake up at 5a.m. to prepare my Open House materials for Weisi and hopefully the Photo Order Forms which I've been procrastinating (very VERY sorry to Vic and Sharon). I'm missing Open House passing down tomorrow because I'll be involved in the Geography Field Trip to the Meterological Station at Changi tomorrow afternoon. Then I'll be going out with Wenjie for dinner before taking the train home with her (we both live in the West so Changi is horrendously far, I seriously hope I don't fall sick 'cos I don't feel comfortable enough with Wenjie yet). I realise that I have violin lesson tomorrow however, but I'll have to miss it. (People have been suggesting I skip school tomorrow because I'm sick but well...for many reasons I can't, one main predominant reason actually, but I won't say it here.)
Tomorrow is Racial Harmony Day! People will be wearing their ethnic costumes to school from after break tomorrow. It should be fun watching them. There will probably be a concert tomorrow during CT session, organised by the Student National Education Committee. Lucius is wearing her Slytherin Hogwarts Robes (she claims 'Wizard' is a race -was it 'Wizard' she said?-). I'm really looking forward to seeing her all dressed up. I think Yingmin might be wearing something. The Geography students aren't really keen 'cos of the field trip tomorrow, though some people did buy costumes off Little India. It'll be quite a rush tomorrow, and a very long day. Need to figure out how to get my meals and medicine figured in.
Ta all. God bless you.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:14 p.m.
Yes, I thank God for making seemingly impossible things possible.
I was very touched by the amount of concern showered upon me today by my friends, who missed my absence yesterday. Sijia asked me why I missed school yesterday during assembly. Wan Fang gave me the notes she'd kept for me while I'd missed school (it made me feel a little guilty for missing school because I was giving someone extra work to do though). Sanny, who came later in the day as she had had a dental appointment in the morning, asked about me too. Lucius asked about me during break. I think Cheryl asked about me after school. It really felt great to have so many friends who cared.
This wasn't the end of the concern. During Prac Crit (the first period), I felt really ill. I felt like puking and I scribbled on my Lit script to Sijia that I felt very ill, like puking. Surprisingly, she was concerned, and wrote back to suggest I go to the toilet or drink some water. I didn't do anything for a while, but later I went for the water and Steph -quite cutely actually- pointed at my coat questioningly, then on ascertaining what I wanted, passed my bottle over without irritation. I drank the water, which made a slight sound, and Sijia tapped me on the back. We were supposed to go down the line from Steph to Sijia to me and further down, each one asking questions or making comments about the extract from Edgar Allan Poe's The Fall of the House of Usher. When it got to me, I was still quite sick but managed to ask my question, "What is the function of the dragon?" then Ms. Heng said, "Trust Esther to think up something like that." I suppose I have a certain reputation in Ms. Heng's class (neither good nor bad really, but at least it kinda makes me unique, so I'm quite happy with it). Pleasantly the class was in a rather happy mood, I felt a kind of closeness with the class today. Unfortunately I was feeling very VERY ill by then, though I tried to patiently listen to Lucius explain the comparison of the dragon with Madeleine. I did pay attention though, although I said at one point, "I can't take it anymore." It was actually referring to how I was feeling physically at the moment, and was directed at Sijia, but given the silence then (save for Lucius' (or was it Xinyan's?) presentation), I think quite a few people, or perhaps the whole class, heard (the teachers must have heard too, for they were directly behind me). Xinyan smiled genuinely. I think she's a really nice girl actually, and she did a really good job on the presentation today (Lucius too, and Eileen...the passage really wasn't easy though it was well chosen by the group, and it took me a second read to actually understand it). Just as Lucius took a slight breath, I turned around and said to Ms. Heng, "I need to go to the toilet. I..." then I made a gesture like I was puking and after getting worried approval, ran out of the classroom. I wonder how I must have behaved then. Somehow I just couldn't say 'puke'. I think I was too far gone, too desperate. I went to the toilet, rushed into a cubicle, and just vomited, and vomited and vomited...even though all I threw up was water, liquid. Just felt my throat opening unnaturally wide and liquid from down within rush up and out into the toilet bowl. I flushed the toilet, took quite a few deep breaths, leaned against the wall of the cubicle to rest for a while, rinsed and washed my mouth and my hands and finally headed out and back to class, awkwardly, where Ms. Heng asked me if I was all right, to which I weakly croaked 'yes'.
Here's where De Wen comes in. Frankly I was quite pleasantly surprised by him today.
When I was in the toilet, I had smsed him to tell him that I was vomiting very badly there to which he promptly replied. Further messages also showed quite a bit of concern, including an offer to send me home if I wanted to go home (which wasn't feasible in my opinion, but nonetheless very touching and appreciated). He patiently tolerated my conversation during recess and tried to get me to eat some cake (I didn't want cake, I didn't want to eat nor drink in the first place because I was afraid I'd throw everything back up). Sean came over at our insistence, both of them later urging me to go home and rest, but I somehow felt well enough and unwilling to miss school (it actually takes a lot for me to skip school). I got a bowl of porridge, some soft vegetables and nice meat, but in the end I barely touched my food, save a few mouthfuls of porridge. The whole meal was wasted, but thankfully DW told me I didn't have to finish everything. I tried to eat actually, but just didn't have the appetite to. DW patted my back a little (a few pats only, thank God -I happen to be quite particular about PDA-ing- but I appreciated the thought a lot), I said some things I shouldn't have said (like me being a liability, 'cos I really felt that way, felt like I was being too much trouble to the two guys at the table -didn't want to be cared for so much-) but they either didn't hear or respond. We went our separate ways back to class.
Lit lecture was interesting. We finished Othello. YAY! I love Othello lessons. I like Mrs. Ang. GP was fun! Lucius and I had a good deal of fun playing with the Time worksheet unscrambling word puzzle. I really really really enjoyed myself! Here's where I really must thank God. I prayed about my GP block test. Eventually I still failed overall because I got a 30/50 for Comprehension, hence 48% (D7) for GP overall. But I wasn't really very upset. In fact I was quite thankful that I'd got at least a 30. I settled an appointment with my GP tutor to evaluate my essay next week, and actually smiled and asked her for the first letter of the three words we couldn't unscramble in the little worksheet. Although we had other things going on in class, I did try to pay attention, though I was quite absorbed in the puzzle as well. My GP tutor was nice, she even told the class that we were playing that game. I enjoyed GP lesson overall, what she was teaching about (I even found ideas to contribute) and had a lot A LOT of fun with Lucius (haha...it was really exciting figuring out all the words, I realise she really -is- quite good at the puzzle!)). My hatred slowly faded away through the GP lesson, I started to appreciate what my GP tutor was saying (that we don't have to die just because we fail GP 'cos this is just a small fraction of time in our 90-year lifespan -we were discussing the idea of longevity, particularly that of Asians-) and I found that I genuinely wanted to learn, I cared about my GP tutor's feelings (I didn't want to be rude nor insensitive to her and was quite cautious of what I did or said) and that I didn't think anymore that she was being biased against me...
Mr. Yeow was sick and didn't come for Maths. In a way that was good, because I didn't do my tutorial, and I spent Maths doing my Econs DRQ. Although it was slightly hampered by my classmates' chatting I did manage to do some work and I also felt good with my classmates around (I love my class) and they actually said a few words to me and apologized for disturbing me. Apparently they think I'm quite pure because they were talking about not wanting to corrupt me with their jokes (I think). I decided not to shock them like I do the 29th. -gleams at the 29th who are reading this blog-
We got back our Econs scripts as promised during Econs. I showed JT my MC and told her I had gastric flu, but she was nice about it and said she'd taken an MC yesterday too. Apparently I did better for my second essay than the first, which was quite surprising because if you look back a few entries at my block test evaluation you'd have realised that I thought the first question was easy, that I'd get an A for it, and that I'd get an F for the second one. JT told me that if I'd drawn diagrams for the second one I could have passed quite well. Anyway my score currently stands at 12/25 for the first essay (yes I failed) and 14/25 for the second, though my script is now with JT again because she didn't mark a small section of it. JT was really nice today, smiles galore. The whole cohort didn't do well for the essays, with my class scoring an average of 15-24/50. JT was quite encouraging, though practical at the same time, telling us what we could do about our scripts and going through the answers. We haven't got back our case studies. That is the worrying bit, because only one person in JT's two classes passed the case study and it's a 15/30 pass. The case study was genuinely very difficult.
My results tally currently stands at:
I had somehow had the misconception that today would end at 3, or 3.40p.m. (if JT decided to extend the period). She didn't, and I'd remembered one period late to start with, so I did have quite a good surprise when I was dismissed at 2.15p.m.. Since I had been hungry during Maths (but was busy with my DRQ), I decided to go to Coronation Plaza for a nice Unagi Don (that was BEFORE I realised after eating that Unagi Don -Grilled Eel with Rice- was SEAFOOD, and I wasn't supposed to be eating it). Thank God I finished my food rather quickly and got back to school by 3p.m.. I managed to finish my DRQ and do some GP before going for the AMC training.
To tell you the truth, I didn't even think De Wen would sit with me and I was prepared to sit alone actually. I don't know why I felt that way...I guess nowadays I try to believe negative things so that I get a surprise or at least don't feel so disappointed when things don't work out the way I want them to. But he did anyway, and the training session was actually mainly doing the practice paper. I sped through the practice paper, scribbling all over my paper and not really caring about my handwriting. I managed to get 19/23 right, which De Wen said was a pretty good score. I didn't get to attempt the 7 other (more difficult) questions but then again it could be due to the disruptions we had. The new MAC exco went through the questions people didn't know how to do. De Wen got a bit excited 'cos he was really enjoying it. Sean was working really hard on the tough problems. I was...uh...quite demoralised actually, 'cos first of all there were questions I a) didn't understand in the first place, b) was stumped at first and c) didn't understand the presenter's explanation. But De Wen was very encouraging. I was quite uncomfortable sitting beside him at first because I suddenly felt a lot of pressure, like I was really stupid, like I didn't belong to this practice session, this MAC meeting (and everyone else seemed to know how to do and understand everything) but I did learn a lot, and there -were- great morale boosters too. AMC -is- quite fun actually! We got the 1997 paper home to do but I haven't done it yet. I still need to finish the 1998 paper. I thank Sean for writing down the solutions to three questions I didn't know how to do and for offering to teach me, and De Wen for explaining things to me. I felt a little rude for whispering here and there and flashing my usual big grin but well, the presenters didn't really say anything.
De Wen surprised me by asking me out to dinner. I really didn't expect it but of course I agreed. Unfortunately there really was nothing much to eat. He wanted to eat Macs but was willing to eat somewhere else 'cos I couldn't eat oily food. I was really touched that he agreed to walk down to Cold Storage to walk around for a while even though I said I'd most likely not get anything from there, and we actually looked at Seventeen and I read this part about what guys thought of Singaporean girls and he said whether he agreed or disagreed with the featured comments. He also bought me this nice packet of cola sweets after I said I felt like eating some sweets, though I kept saying no.
We went back up to Macs and I ordered a chicken nuggets meal while he ordered his usual Spicy McCrispy Chicken Meal. Then somehow, we talked...
He shared a lot tonight. During Cold Storage, even just slight sharings... During dinner, we had a long and really serious talk, about things that he was struggling with, about the future, about our relationship, and he even asked me about Saturday's wedding. I was quite amazed at his frankness. Inside my heart was wrenching with sadness but because the conversation was a level-headed one I used my head and I managed to face it suitably. I realised a lot of things about myself during that conversation, good and bad, about my selfishness and pride, my unwillingness to apologise, how much I gave and was/am willing to give, how loyal I am, how much I love him, how concrete my feelings are. I also got to know him a lot more. I think it was a good conversation. I shared a lot too, and we talked about God. I talked about God. Previously I'd been selfish and refused to talk about God, afraid that God would steal a place in his heart and tear me away from him (I felt like I was already struggling among his other affections), but I shared a lot about the recent things I've learnt, through the wedding and through church mainly. The greatest way to show you love someone is through sharing God. A relationship works best when both parties are not focused so much on each other as on God. We live for God, and in a relationship both parties help each other live for God.
He walked me to the bus stop where we met Aishu and Doris (we had met her in Macs earlier with her Biomedical Quiz friends). Thankfully the bus came soon.
The bus ride home was horrid. I wanted to get home quickly, because I was about to puke again. Thank God after a while the woman beside me taking the inside seat left and I moved in, took off my scrunchie and leaned back against the seat and tried to breathe deeply. I had been very tired since the Maths training, but I was now physically sick again. (I was like that in the morning too, because the bus was too crowded, I think). I think it was partially my tiredness, my sickness, and also because I wasn't sitting at my usual seat (not facing the front, but sideways) and I was full from the food (which was oily too -though I'd taken the medicine just-). I think I was obviously ill, but thank God the bus came and I went home where I told my mom what had happened today (the health bits, basically). She concluded that I was just skimping on sleep (I shouldn't be waking up so early, nor waking up and going back to sleep then waking up again). I'm really tired now but at least I've finished blogging. Somehow I can't NOT write a long blog. Everything seems to be too important, and skimping on something will be too shallow.
De Wen's been very nice in his smses, and I've been trying to be nice too.
I'm going to sleep now and waking up at 5a.m.. to prepare my Open House materials for Weisi and hopefully the Photo Order Forms which I've been procrastinating (very VERY sorry to Vic and Sharon). I'm missing Open House passing down tomorrow because I'll be involved in the Geography Field Trip to the Meterological Station at Changi tomorrow afternoon. Then I'll be going out with Wenjie for dinner before taking the train home with her (we both live in the West so Changi is horrendously far, I seriously hope I don't fall sick 'cos I don't feel comfortable enough with Wenjie yet). I realise that I have violin lesson tomorrow however, but I'll have to miss it. (People have been suggesting I skip school tomorrow because I'm sick but well...for many reasons I can't, one main predominant reason actually, but I won't say it here.)
Tomorrow is Racial Harmony Day! People will be wearing their ethnic costumes to school from after break tomorrow. It should be fun watching them. There will probably be a concert tomorrow during CT session, organised by the Student National Education Committee. Lucius is wearing her Slytherin Hogwarts Robes (she claims 'Wizard' is a race -was it 'Wizard' she said?-). I'm really looking forward to seeing her all dressed up. I think Yingmin might be wearing something. The Geography students aren't really keen though some people did buy costumes off Little India, 'cos of the Field Trip tomorrow. It'll be quite a rush tomorrow actually, and a very long day. Need to figure out how to get my meals and medicine figured in.
Ta all. God bless you.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:14 p.m.
The injuring is worsening now, morning and night... ouch. My genitals are sore. My worries about fluid manipulation is that a) I become infertile, b) I get kidney failure and need to go for dialysis or worse, DIE.
Anyway, I didn't do any work last night AGAIN. I didn't even watch Friends. I just took my medicine and left all conversations, then went to bed. Tired, but later the tiredness wore off. I think yesterday's break helped a lot, physically and mentally. I wanted to wake up at 2.45a.m. but fought with my alarm clock until eventually I decided to wake up at 3.37a.m. and work. I was quite pleased with my work, because I managed to finish 2 essay plans (4 parts) in 2 hours. I still have the DRQ. JT's returning the Econs scripts today, so I don't think she'll go through them, I don't even know what she did yesterday, this homework was actually for yesterday. I think I'll do the DRQ when I reach school. Taking a little break now 'cos I feel like blogging. I think I'll get my GP comprehension back too. I really want at least a 32/50 for my comprehension so I can at least PASS GP. I feel that 32 is a low average for me, but given my current GP standard/situation I may not hit it.
I'm beginning Australian Maths Competition training today, which thankfully commences with a delightful training session at the school's Maths Appreciation Club this afternoon at 4.30p.m.. At least that training will be guided, so I don't have to train alone. I hope to get some homework done before that so I can concentrate on training. I had actually wanted to get a lot of work done to free up the week for training, but knowing me...
The point is I need EXTRA training because I don't have the oodles of years of training that everyone else has, whether in F. Maths class or Masterclass or Maths 'S' paper or MAC or Olympiad or National Team training or personal training or -gasp- all of them (Trust me, I know people in at least 5 of these, some in all of them even). So I need to work EXTRA hard. And I have to find some way to keep my name off the bottom of that list (highly unlikely though...sigh...). Gambatte!!!
Hm...actually when De Wen told me about the training session I was kinda happy and excited...could feel the adrenaline coursing through. Forgetting all the expectations (It's mean), I think training is actually quite fun, really, and being surrounded by a group of intellectuals too. Plus I think AMC is quite fun. Competitions all are, especially written ones. :D
By the way I have gastric flu, so I'm not supposed to be drinking milk (no iced-blended mochas, no melted chocolate brownie, no sticky chewy chocolate, no ice cream) and not supposed to be eating oily food (no Long John's Silver, no Fish and Chips, no MacDonalds). I'm supposed to eat soupy foods like porridge...
-stoned- (But c-c-c-coffee is my lifffeee...and melted chocolate brownies and ice cream and LJS and Macssssssssss...)
I'm insane actually. I have been fluctuating from insane to depressed since De Wen told me about the MAC thing and I felt empowered. I like working towards goals, instead of some nebulous threatening THE A LEVELS crashing. The next next one will be THE PRELIMS unfortunately. :( (The next one is Violin Exam, a more pleasant thing.) Well fluctuating is better than stagnant depression, ain't it? At least when I feel insane I feel more predisposed to niceness. -gleams and holds up two fingers in a V-shape the way manga girls do- YEAH!
So...off to school I GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HURRAY HURRAY FOR SCHOOL!!! -sings-
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:58 a.m.
1. When was the last time you cheated?
2. When was the last time you stole?
3. When was the last time you lied?
4. When was the last time you broke or vandalized another's property?
5. When was the last time you hurt a loved one?
=====
So, I skipped school today.
In what is the third depression I've declared since the beginning of last week. (A depression is a depression when I declare it to be one. What happens is I actually feel so sad up to the point where I tell myself, 'I officially declare myself to be in a state of depression.') Actually, having 3 depressions a week isn't really a bad affair. I used to have a prolonged depression, with perhaps one day of relief from depression. After I talked to God that night though, my life started turning around...I began having more happy/neutral/sad but not depressed periods than depressed ones...in fact, I haven't declared depression in a long time. But this past week has been a very rough one for me. I broke out of depression twice, but have slipped into depression thrice. I think this break is good, because I'm slowly pulling out of depression. Maybe I just need one full day where I can just be away from everything...closet myself in my room without any frustration. I think that gives me a breather and renews and refreshes me for another week at school (and at life, if I may add).
I called a depression because I was in obvious depression. I think crying all the time on the bus, in the car etc., feeling sad, crying in my room, lying on the bed not wanting to do anything but cry myself to sleep, trying to ignore the pain, thinking and remembering (of good times and bad times), not blogging on purpose, missing school and ranting (whether or not people want to hear), thinking of violent thoughts, self-injuring, thinking of suicide (gunshots, drowning and strangulation -the current new idea in my mind is strangulation, and frankly I'm very terrified) should signal (if not to others, at least to myself) that something is definitely very very wrong.
I think it was an accumulation of a lot of things. First, as some of you may already know, I got an 18/50 for my GP essay, which is the first time I've failed GP in my two years of JC education (and badly so too). This disastrous result would not have been so bad if I didn't have to worry about my parents' response when they find out I fail something, and GP too, of all subjects (Excuse me, I am a WRITER! My dream is to be a journalist! I am aiming for an SPH journalism scholarship! And I'm failing GP?!). This would also not be so bad if my GP grades have been dropping without picking up even once since last year and I didn't already have emotional problems with my GP tutor, which means that, a) However much I try to be fair and try to look at my work objectively I can't get rid of the idea in my head that she's being unfair to me; b) I am wary of approaching her to ask her to go through my script with me; c) This and the fact that my GP grades have been falling by more than 50% make me hate my GP tutor more, and also start to hate GP (the fact that I actually want to do well in GP, aim high for GP and work for GP -yes, I happen to take GP seriously-) is just salt to my wound, because what's the use of working so hard when instead of improving my results are dropping?!) and d) I'm starting to remember a very hurting past and I hate myself for ever bothering to make my problems known and for screwing up my JC life. Unfortunately I can't be comforted at the moment.
[Warning...if you happen to have the initials DW you should not read the next paragraph. If you do, don't blame anyone (not me -because I have feelings too-, not you -'cos it wasn't intended for you to blame yourself, because I don't blame you, I blame the situation and myself, and because when you blame yourself you become even more depressed and make things worse-, not anyone else -because no one else is involved-) for the consequences. And if you looked hard enough, you'd have realised that I've been protecting you, or purposely not blogging in order not to talk about it. I didn't even really rant, and even spoke up for you to my friends so it's not like I hate/blame you. This entry is just a personal rant ok? It's not like I denied you the chance of speaking about me either...you could have used your own blog, and I wouldn't have minded reading about myself as long as I knew what was wrong instead of you always requiring time out and ignoring me time and again (which btw isn't my fault, honestly, and you shouldn't blame me for it). You can read the rest of the entry, if you're even reading, that is.]
Second, I absolutely detest people ASSUMING that I purposely want to be upset. I hate people getting angry at me for having problems. I hate it when people assume that I'm not doing anything about it, or that I don't care, that I just want to wallow in self-pity. I don't know, the problems just seem to stay, but it's not like I like being this way either...do you honestly think I like being upset? That I don't want to be happy? For everyone's information, I really hate talking about my problems. Yes I share, but I really don't want to dwell on them. I don't want my problems to dominate the entire conversation. Well the last time I went out with DW, I don't know what happened...it wasn't like I was purposely trying to talk about things either. They just came out, and somehow I found that the whole conversation was going out of control, that there was too much anger, bitterness and sadness at the table. It wasn't any of our faults, I think. But I think both of us just couldn't get rid of whatever was bothering us individually and all our problems (his included) just tumbled onto the table and exploded. To make things worse, he said a lot of things that hurt me, like 'stand on your own feet' whatever. I wanted to stop the conversation, I didn't want to talk anymore about my problems, I didn't want to just break down right then and there in front of him although I was this close. I tried to stop, but eventually I couldn't take it anymore, the tears were coming too fast, and I said I had to leave and ran off to Cold Storage where I calmed myself down and tried not to cry. I would have stayed there forever, except that he was sitting back there in Coffee Bean and I didn't want to waste his time waiting for me, so I tried to calm myself down quickly and plucked up the courage to walk back in and sit down. All our meetings seem to turn out disastrous now. First of all he only meets me late in the morning a short while before the bell rings and he doesn't even spend the whole time there with me. He keeps going off to the toilet or his class bench. I should be grateful for the two common breaks we share a week, except that we hardly talk. No phone calls...smses are either one-sentence (him) or unreplied (me). I used to be very patient and understanding about this. I thought I had the strength. Now I realise I can't take it. Don't hurt my emotions, whatever you do. You can be sad, I'm not denying you that right (It certainly did NOT start because you started feeling sad and don't you ever accuse me of being so unreasonable because I'm not), but if you let me help I'll use my head and help you rightly. It's only when it's weeks and weeks of total insensitivity and pushing me away that I can't take it. What could be more helpless than seeing someone you love upset and being unable to help and worse, being pushed away so you can't even be THERE? Worse of all, that makes me depressed, and coupled with my own depressions, things are even worse, and he isn't there for me. Not even when I hint, cry, yell, make everything so damn obvious. So there. Now maybe you understand how I've been feeling.
(It's not like when I'm not in depression I'm free of weird obsessions and problems even.)
[Now you can read this part.]
But I suppose to give him some credit I guess I should be happy that even now sometimes he does smile, and he does appreciate some lame jokes and sometimes he shows a bit of attractive style like when he was talking about my aura or something -his style comes naturally, frankly, and it's not like when I reminisce I don't think about good things either. And also, he bothers to sms many times a day (even though the tone of these sms depresses me -but if he doesn't sms it would depress me too-) even though I've turned from being normal to not sharing (why should I share when you don't answer my questions and just shrug off whole sms with short responses, when I tell you what goes on with me and you don't about yourself? -well yes you do, but I don't know, it's different, it's just plain facts, no feelings involved, and...one sentence kinda messages.) to finally not replying (ignoring the pain).
I'm trying very very very hard to be understanding...if only you knew. And I'm being a lot nicer...it's just I hate being taken advantage of (and because I don't believe that you can be that bad -so sue me for idealising- I end up not knowing what to do). And every single effort I make kills me when I don't get a suitable response because I always remember that I made that effort. In a way, sometimes I'm glad for trying, if it can make you feel better. Sometimes I don't really mind inconveniencing myself, even though I always remember I made the effort. Maybe I just feel that you're not doing enough, and though I speak up for you all the time (which ends up confusing me 'cos what on earth am I upset about if you're ok?) you're really not doing enough. You asked me what you could do. I don't know. Maybe it's all out of control. It's not like I don't want sadness. But maybe I just want you at least to be happy, so we can go back to some semblence of normality.
(And I realise that either way I lose, because I'm in this no matter what happens. Went too deep. I'm afraid of breaking up. I'm pleading with God now for love...I need it...badly...)
The third, is something I tend to do when I sink into depression. I leave God. Leave as in don't want to pray, don't want to read the Bible. Thankfully church services help somewhat. During Sunday School sharing yesterday, I think I was about to cry even though I just outlined my problems, "1) GP (elaborate, elaborate), 2) left God, 3) relationship problems (yes, just two words without elaboration). Couldn't smile...I know my smile was cracking...
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:51 a.m.
(Written 9 - 11a.m., 170703)
1. Snow drops and wind drops, raindrops from sun,
2. A lifetime of circles, a lifetime of pain,
3. A friendship of flowers, a family of fields,
4. Summer is past now, it's winter in June,
5. Mine is the sadness, a tear in my breath,
6. A final conclusion, a wave goodbye,
Just an interesting note: Look at the time 911. Look at the date. The number '7' has a religious significance (holy perfection). Why are there only 6 stanzas (7-1)? Why do stanzas 3, 4 and 5 (transition) have mixed rhyme schemes (hesitation?)? Notice the final stanza has a pure rhyme scheme (the end). Paradoxes, two sides to the coin... Note recurrent imagery, puns, alliteration, onomatopoeia, internal rhyme, repetition (of words and ideas), PLOT.
This poem is powerful. My challenge to YOU is to interpret it if you dare.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:17 p.m.
I have been feeling like a liability, a nuisance. It strikes me after spending time with some friends. I wonder why they bother to talk to me, to listen and talk about my problems. It can't be anything in me. It must be pity. They can get along much better without me. Then sometimes in class I feel so irritated with myself too, especially during Econs lessons, 'cos I get very amused easily and laugh at jokes for a very long time (sometimes suddenly snickering). JT's funny, she's in a better mood nowadays (I can see it 'cos she's more understanding when people don't know their work, and also 'cos she jokes more), but it's really funny when she scolds people. They're just slight scoldings, neither serious nor personal, it's just little things. They're not even scoldings, just the raising of her voice slightly. In fact, she doesn't really scold I think. But there are genuinely funny things in class, and a smile can stay on my face for a very long time. The thing is, I don't want my friends or JT to think I'm laughing at them when I'm not (thankfully I managed to clarify with Lucius today that I wasn't laughing at her), although I don't think they're even looking at me. But, I mean, the people around me should at least be able to see that I'm smiling or laughing softly. Today I sat with this girl I'm not really close to, this person whom I'm quite awkward with approaching 'cos she can be very hurting in her mannerisms, either demanding or like you're doing something wrong -I think she's just earnest about expressing her opinion, sometimes she gets a little passionate about certain subjects, and I don't think she really means to hurt people, plus she did talk nicely to me today but she's hurt me before- and I was just so uncomfortable. She didn't say anything but I felt really bad 'cos I couldn't stop laughing and no one around me seemed to find it funny (Why would they? The joke had long passed. I don't know, I don't want to spoil the lesson for my classmates. It's like the Rice Table and Sunday School dinners, I didn't like the food at Rice Table and got quite tortured by it and I had gastric during the Sunday School dinner, but I really didn't want to be irritating and spoil the evening for everybody. I just don't want to be a bother, an obligation. I don't want De Wen to go out with me because he has to. I often feel that way. I don't know how to describe how I feel when I'm with him...the past two days I've spent break time with him I feel really overjoyed and I go back to lessons with a smile on my face. I'm really happy whenever he's around. But does my presence have the same effect on him? I don't know. I don't know. I feel like he's running away from me, rejecting me, and today I offered to wait for him after his Oral (I had things to do in the library anyway) and when he said there wasn't a need to I just pouted...I hated myself for that because I wasn't sulking or acting cute, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm throwing myself at him, like I'm the one who's waiting, I'm the one who's now sitting in the library with my handphone on my lap (so I can definitely feel the vibration when his first sms after Oral comes in so I can reply him so he won't get no reply and decide to go home). I don't know. I don't even trust him to call now. What is trust? I'd thought about waiting for him since break, I was wondering if I should just go home and sms him so he wouldn't have to entertain me and worry about my reactions. Maybe it's better if he doesn't see my wants and pain. But then I thought, well maybe after break he already prepared himself to stay with me, then wouldn't I be inconveniencing him if I pulled out? Somehow it always ends up with him. Yes, love is not selfish but should this be the way? (Please understand that I am not discontented with him. I am just upset at well, myself and the situation. It's a whole personal psychological situation.) The most pathetic thing about this whole thing is that he hasn't even said anything. He just said, "Wait and see" which could mean anything, a yes or a no, and even for the possibility (it's not just the possibility too, it's 'cos I don't want him to hope to go out with me only to find out that I've gone home) I am waiting. It's like the times I come home late but still switch on the computer the first thing I do (before bathing etc.) to see if he's online. I'm pathetic. Grossly P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C.
I was mentally-plagued today. I thought of many twisted and violent things...twins joined at the head, one of them pregnant, in much labour pain and giving birth to a baby (I even imagined the different parts of the head the twins would be joined at and the different postures of the twins [lying down, sitting up, squatting] during the birth), I was tormented by guns the whole day, just a trigger push and I'm shot in the back where my heart is, PANG!, shortness of breath, intense pain, blood..., it's so easy to die (I thought of suicide), I had a pimple which had grown a little bigger and more tender and I was meddling with it, then I thought of pushing the tip of the penknife blade into it hard, or pull my skin and put it on a chopping board and slice neatly through the pimple and cut it off (a great way of reducing pimples), or maybe not slicing neatly but kinda sawing through, layer by layer...
I want to eat a melted chocolate brownie. I've eaten two recently.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:50 p.m.
Saturday
I forget what it is I really wanted to say Saturday, writing was only a small part of it, but at least I did manage to accurately detail my preferences for literature (reading and writing). I didn't reread and edit my entry that night before I posted it, though I'd rewritten it numerous times in the afternoon. On relooking at it, I felt that it was a beautiful entry, the wording perfect, but earlier Sunday I had, quite bitterly, lamented my seemingly empty verbal diarrhoea.
I was quite shocked at myself on Saturday, because my anger reached new proportions and, for the very first time to my recollection, I yelled in public. What happened was that I'd responded to my mother's call to get ready by only donning that beautifully feminine ensemble I described on Saturday. My brother was supposed to return home from his Boys' Brigade activity before we were due to set off for our Indonesian dinner at Rice Table but rainy weather delayed the ending of his activity and a locked back gate and an injured foot rendered the bus stop quite inaccessible and the poor boy unable to rush home in time. My father's impatient nature was further provoked by the fact that Rice Table functioned on a strict reservation system (which meant that it was highly unlikely to get a table without first making a reservation, and once reserved, a table would only be held for 10 minutes at the most) and we were going to be late. I did not realise the strictness of the reservation system, nor my poor brother's predicament, as I was quite focused on discovering my writing style and it was only when my father finally yelled that it was time to go that I went about packing my things and going to the toilet. In my father's opinion, a one minute wait is quite unacceptable, and it is especially so when one is in a rush for time, so my father was in quite a bad mood in the car, and provoked to anger by slow drivers, red lights and my brother's sluggish mannerisms as he walked to the car. I, on the other hand, was feeling car sick. My head was hurting, I felt like vomiting, and after typing a hasty reply to De Wen's sms, my hp shut down for the rest of the outing. I had given up listening to the conversation between my parents, plugged Michael Card's Starkindler into my ears, oscillated between closing my eyes (and resting) and looking out of the window (and resting), thought of strange and sad things (like love) and confirmed my knowledge of urban geography theory of traffic congestion inducing stress.
I knew we were near Plaza Singapura. In my sickness the place was familiar, we had been there before. Next to Centrepoint, near Somerset MRT station, my father stopped the car abruptly and my mother got out. I hastily snatched off my earphones (?), packed them into my bag, and readied myself to leave. However, my brother, who was clad in his Boys' Brigade uniform, suddenly fumbled with the going out clothes which my parents had brought for him, unsure of whether to change then and there in the car or to change later in a public toilet (frankly I thought at his age it would be more decent and appropriate to change in the public toilet). I, as usual, the idiot, was idly sitting in the car before my father asked me what I was doing there instead of following my mother. So I went out, and dazedly walked the other way hoping to find my mother since I hadn't seen which way she was walking (I wasn't feeling physically nor emotionally well at that moment). My father beeped and I walked back to the car (my tolerance close to its limit) only to hear much agitation as he said my mother was the other way up in front. My father was so vague and my mother so far and out of sight (and I irritatingly confused) that I couldn't figure out what he was trying to tell me and he yelled. At that point, I was just sick of all the anger and tension in the family (I'd been trying to ignore it, to push it out of my mind), not feeling at my happiest myself, nor even physically well to begin with, and I just snapped like a overstretched rubberband. I shouted, standing there outside the car, like the girls I always see and despise shouting at their boyfriends in public and throwing their tantrums, and marched off in the other direction hoping to find my mother again, two men in front of the car staring at me as they had probably been doing since that beep.
I found my mother standing at the traffic lights waiting to cross. The rain was making everything look sad and dreary, and I was so riled up I wanted to run, just board a bus or taxi and head home to my bedroom. But I knew that that would be making things worse, and if I did that my parents would have killed me on returning home, so I did not. But my anger was very strong, and I found myself fuming in my heart, breathing hard, and vowing that I would never let any guy treat me that way again. Somehow when I'm angry with a guy, I tend to view him as a guy and consequently hate all guys. I happen to have a particular view of men and women. I believe men are superior. I believe that a woman's place is her husband's house and her chief ends, marriage and motherhood, service to her husband and children. I have been training myself in these areas to some extent for at least ten years, my training intensified in Junior College (because of newfound feminity?). While I do get quite stubborn about these aims and training and suffer their serious detriments as a result (I struggle emotionally as my longing for service wages a war against my longing for love and gratification, I also end up hurting myself physically and mentally as I train my mind and body hard up to 3 hours a day -I wonder how and what people would think, how people would view me if they only knew how I train-), I do break out of these obsessions (though very temporarily) when I am angry with a guy.
I ranted to my mother as we walked to Rice Table and even inside the restaurant, even as a glimpse of what had happened at Sakae Sushi a few days ago and how I'd treated my mother when she had ranted (see recent entry) flashed through my mind. My mother did empathise with me, she had long ago accepted my father's inability to wait for others. Thankfully, we were occupied by the prawn cracker snacks on the table and my father and brother came into the restaurant in a surprisingly more cordial mood (for once; although such politeness is really quite an ordinary affair for me [not through my own merit, more because I deem it necessary] it isn't quite so for them). The tension dispelled and the rest of the dinner was more enjoyable.
The experience was quite interesting. When we arrived, there were two long warm metal surfaces mounted on the table, fire below, prawn crackers beside. This was where our dishes would be placed. At Rice Table, one pays a fixed price for an unlimited order of dishes. When all members are present at the table and the call to serve made, 15 (relatively small) dishes are served for sampling in portions proportional to the number of members at the table. There was a bowl of soup for each person, then half an otah, a dish of ikan bilis in slight chilli and an assortment of meats, vegetables and other strange delicacies. The soup was sour, I felt this sourness (the Indonesian meal's general tendency towards sourness) spoilt the taste of the dish, the dish would have tasted better if the sourness was not induced. The otah was fine, then came the ikan bilis, and I started tearing awfully and blowing my mucus-filled nose to the extent that I looked like I was crying. That instant was quite uncomfortable, because I was downing iced water and fanning my mouth to no avail, the food was too hot and my tongue was going up in flames. It wasn't just the discomfort that bothered me, more than that I was upset because although I wasn't enjoying the food, I didn't want to spoil the dinner for everyone.
Apparently the ikan bilis wasn't supposed to be hot, and the family had a substantial discussion of what had tormented me so. I realise I quite dislike Indonesian food. It's either sour or hot, and even the rice wasn't particularly nice although unfortunately it was, to me, the best part of the meal after the prawn crackers (I happen to dislike Chinese food also, especially rice). The sourness really did spoil the food, even the cuttlefish (in general one of my favourite foods) was quite disappointingly destroyed by the sour taste. The satay was very marinated in a thick and over-sweet sauce. My brother and I ate quite little, leaving my parents the task of finishing the rest of the 15 dishes. We did order a few extra dishes though such as the satay and the salad. My parents however concluded that Indonesian food was not for my brother and me. My father said that Indonesian food was something he'd eat once in a while.
The highlight of the dinner was not the food though, as my father later commented. It was the people-watching. Of course, a very enthusiastic participant in this activity was yours truly. I was quite appalled at the crudity and unsophistication of some of the people present - this woman was talking very loudly and gesturing excitedly in Hokkien and English, raising her arms and slapping her hands together, another woman was taking a milk bottle out of her big bag and a third girl was covering herself with a coat like a blanket and sitting with her legs wide open or crossed in a male way (i.e. one ankle over the other knee instead of the two knees meeting), plus she was wearing very short shorts. All this may seem trivial, but if you were there this behaviour might have seemed inappropriate and awful. The whole street where the Rice Table is (opposite Plaza Singapura) is inhabited by little gourmet nooks mainly frequented by youths (about 20-30+ years old). According to my father, these places are good not for the food, but more so for people-watching.
After the dinner, we went to Centrepoint where my father was intrigued by the digital cameras (if I remember rightly) on sale while I admired the photos displayed and concluded after glancing at a glass display of watches in a watch shop that I dislike square and rectangular watch faces but don't mind angular ones -they must be regular shapes though-) before heading to the shop opposite Centrepoint (the one housing John Little's) where my brother bought a bag of no nut chocolate chip cookies and another one of double chocolate chip cookies. Although I was still shocked at how much I had been provoked earlier, I think this night was on the whole a relatively good one.
Sunday School Dinner
The Sunday School dinner was held last Thursday at the Tanglin Club. It was attended by 9 students from my class, namely Elizabeth, Rachel Chia, Rachel Yeo, Shi Ping, Jacqueline, Katherine, Janna, Eunice and me, and our 2 teachers, Lily and Veronica. Originally, I was invited to study with Rachel Chia and Rachel Yeo at library@orchard then make our way to the Tanglin Club together, but I was quite serious on studying (didn't want any possible distraction by friends) and said I'd study in school then meet them at the library when they were about to leave. On Thursday, however, I felt rather sad and decided to join them in advance. I managed to do a little bit of GP Time Tunnel there but we also had a great deal of chatting which really wasn't too bad (though I did, unfortunately, make a original crude joke about the Electra complex - "This hole you're entering now is where you exited from when you were born" ->Now does anyone understand the joke? They did. Ah but it seems so unfunny now though I was in fits of laughter then...sigh). Rachel Yeo was eating a really scrumptious-looking brownie. Elizabeth came later from teaching piano to join us. I had been suffering from gastric pains since afternoon lessons, so Elizabeth gave me two of her gastric pills and some water. We were quite amused when she squirted water from her bottle into mine. After a while, the two Rachels and I changed and the four of us (including Elizabeth) left for Tanglin Club.
The gastric pills didn't work! I was having gastric even until I reached home, and I felt horrible the whole night. It happened just like the dinner last year, I just couldn't eat the food. I had Fish and Chips (too battered) and (now you would expect that from me, wouldn't you?) a Coffee Ice-Blended -which wasn't bad- (now I've sampled the Ice-Blended Coffee from Tanglin Club too!) and a little bit of Katherine's apple and ice cream dessert (I didn't order it myself because I was really suffering from the gastric). I really really didn't want to spoil the dinner, but I think I said I had gastric quite a few times, and although Katherine was kind enough to give me half of her dessert and coax me to eat I only ate a little bit. I think the class is cliquish, there are closer friends among everyone -but isn't this natural?- and this was displayed especially because we were sitting at a long table so two conversations were being carried out at the two ends of the table at the same time. (But cliques are not very serious in my class, I feel, because my Sunday School class is really made up of very very nice people and everyone can and will talk to everyone else if they have to.) I was, thank God, seated in the middle, so I could choose which conversation to enter, which I did. Later, I shifted to Katherine, Janna and Eunice's side of the table though (the teachers alternated between both ends, first Lily sat on our end, then Lily went to the other end and Veronica came over).
The class isn't awkward. It's a class of joy, from what I can see, and I really value the Christian friendship and godly conversations we have, friend to friend, teacher to student and vice-versa. That night was a wonderful night of sharing. Everyone just talked freely, initiated conversations, caught up with each other, shared their problems and comforted and encouraged each other, and talked about Christ. I enjoyed myself greatly talking and listening, and later, Katherine, Eunice, Janna and I even had a little bit of sharing in the toilet (just standing at the washing area, sitting on the benches and talking). =) It's amazing the trials and problems some people experience, some of these really make my problems pale in comparison, but more amazing are the responses to these problems, responses which really reflect God's work in their lives. It's not just the responses to problems, sometimes it's just the passion they have for God, their zeal, and they're not afraid to talk about God (I'm still shy about talking about God even with my Sunday School friends). I love these people. Although I only see them once a week, sometimes less than that, and although I didn't see them for months (because I dropped out of Sunday School for a while), I would share a lot with these people. Katherine, Janna, Eunice and I exchanged handphone numbers, MSN contacts, e-mail and even blog addresses (I didn't give out my blog address though). For the past few days, I've been receiving some really nice picture messages from Katherine. =) I think I should be nice and reply some of them.
I reached home really late that night but I would have been even later had not Weixiong (Lily's husband) driven Elizabeth, Rachel Yeo and I home.
Friday Five June 11, 2003
1. Do you remember your first best friend? Who was it?
2. Are you still in touch with this person?
3. Do you have a current close friend?
4. How did you become friends with this person?
5. Is there a friend from your past that you wish you were still in contact with? Why?
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:47 p.m.
I have been protecting myself somewhat, or seeking to do so. I put in an immense deal of thought into my writing. My blog is important to me, and I think about it regularly. I have been shifting from mood to mood, quite drastically so, one moment I look at my entries and say, "This retains the perfection I desire", other times I say, "I am too talkative. My words are empty." Sometimes the words are too painful, they choke in my throat or on paper or on Notepad, saved for personal reading or (occasionally) reading by one or two random people I just happen to decide to torment. Sometimes these words go all the way to my blog. It gets posted. Then, after a few minutes or so, I decide to delete it. I've been increasingly withdrawn lately. Today I felt a compelling urge to close my blog, but I remembered Prisca's shocked reaction to it yesterday and thought also of the countless memories which would have been lost and undocumented if I did so. If anyone wonders why I said what I did in the last two messages on Tagboard, that was because I said that before I decided to remove my latest blog post. It was a confused blog, and although it was intended to be short, it was driven by emotions and, perhaps it was accusatory, although I didn't mean for it to be. I don't think many people saw it. I only know Prisca and Haihan did.
Today started off really well but towards the end of the day I just got into a huge funk. Maybe it was just the workload and academics. Owed homework is left undone and the urgency to finish it is more acute than ever. New homework washes in like the tide. I spent the weekend reading blogs, not doing much work. My friends have finished their work, many are studying, many getting more serious about their studies. I got a little more serious about my studies, but I'm still faltering. Today during Maths lecture I wrote a depressive poem although I still did manage to pay some attention. During Geography remedial I just didn't want to listen anymore and blatantly drew pictures on my paper and penned thoughts and poems. The pictures weren't my usual 'cute' animal pictures either, they were more elegant and fantasy pictures...a goddess, a fairy whom I imagined with golden hair. The grace was there in their gestures, they lifted their arns gently in fluid-like motion, their hands and feet slim and delicate.
But another pressing issue is not academics. It's something else. It's a trial for me, a trial of patience and trust. I snapped out of my passivity today. It occurred to me today that in a relationship, both parties could not be depressed. One had to support the other. De Wen's in a immensely serious state of depression. I don't know which is more saddening to receive, no sms or a sad sms. But it isn't his fault, and I told myself today, "Now, didn't I get angry when people blamed me for being depressed? Wasn't I upset when I wasn't supported especially when I was depressed?" I knew I couldn't blame him. I never really did blame him, it's just that on my side I had to struggle with my own fragile emotions and to deal with him too especially when he couldn't support me and when he himself was not in control of his feelings. I don't know how I can put this up without sounding like I'm blaming him when I'm not, or how to not make him feel bad if he reads this. I don't know. Maybe I'd just like to request for a bit of prayer now because it's very painful, and I've gone from being angry and bitter to just being very sad and resigned. I'm trying to come out strong here. I know I can be independent. I have a strong will when I choose to use it, not everyone has this. I have been alone quite often now, we haven't been spending time together beyond 'hi's and 'bye's and my complaints. I really thank Aishu for spending time with me. Really. Thank you Aishu. I really appreciate the conversations and the laughter, and how you care so much about me, my problems and my perceptions and encourage me along. I haven't been talking about De Wen much. I just don't feel like talking at the moment and I'd like to step beyond my problems. I think the guy just needs to be alone for a while and I don't want to disturb him or pressure him. When I was angry I used to sometimes still swallow my pride and ask him out (in the hope that in going out with him I might be able to comfort him) or sometimes just ask him if I could call (not even if he could call like I would normally have asked) or if he could come online. Then I used to get bitter, sometimes at him, but usually more at the futility of the situation and at myself. I don't know how to more adequately express the pain I've been feeling, the sense of loss and sadness, the confusion, the anger... mixed emotions...but now I think I will just be there. It's not about whether my help is appreciated, he can go to whomsoever he goes to, I'm not going to be jealous of anyone anymore (I've always been jealous even when close friends -or friends I really want to be close to- choose to confide in other friends instead of me.) I think I've thought a lot.
Library closing. Talk later.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:24 p.m.
I am writing cautiously now, for reasons that parallel or conflict with my 'normal' preferences. Everyone is unique because it is impossible to ever truly fathom what one's preferences are, these are never clear-cut, there are always elaborations and disclaimers, and unique experiences which entwine themselves tightly around individual thoughts and ideas.
I am trying to dissect my preferences and word them in a manner that is not awkward. I speak to myself usually. I control my use of words, each word is specific and said for a purpose, another word would not do. I am not one for extravagant language as Lucius appears to be, though her words roll off my heart like jewelled pearls and slide through my speech to myself and pen to paper, they are personal, I appreciate it but do not transfer it. Nat's writing is my pinnacle of beauty humanly perfected. Her words are indescribably perfect, I would not find words to replace them. She manages to capture life's graces in essence, pure and untainted, as is, and they wash over me like golden sunlight on a gentle beach, enchanting or saddening. However, pure images like these would never spill out of me, never in such magnitude. I am a romantic but tightly controlled. In the world of writing, I admire few but 5, Nat, Michael Card, Lucius, Rossetti and Shakespeare in this order. Simple beauty is my chief appreciation, Christian influence the next, then a dash of sensual elegance. Michael Card's writing is obscured by his off-pitch singing, also forced and sprinkled with abrupt pauses, and older strictly rhyming songwriters like Charles Wesley whose works unfortunately fit a tune or artist of less favour. Rossetti's style is closest to my own, but like my own can be mundane and weighed down, and unlike my own filled with too much longing and one-sided fervour. I have not known Shakespeare well enough to appreciate him fully. I am plodding my way through Hamlet, interpreting without accompanying notes words to my pleasure. I value words, I believe they should be precise and unique, irreplaceable and elegant. I believe greatly in the use of many words (thus my long entries) yet I extol the power of the dramatic one-liner. I believe in imagery, gentle beauty over elegant bloodthirst, but I do not give myself in to romanticism or goth. I could write of children in the morning, sex in the rain or blood from the roof but with happiness would come a tinge of sorrow and maturity, lightheartedness a weighing seriousness, carnality a wave of purity, brutal tension and vampiristic darkness a strong clean light of hope. I am a downright boring writer with seemingly conflicting preferences, I hit all fields as always yet achieving balance. I know without my moderating influence my writing would lack something essential and I would be excessively upset, yet with these controls I accuse myself of being boring and rigid and hate myself.
I fear my inability to write. There is an unspeakable perfection in my writing, even if it only strikes me, and when I write there is a pressure to achieve a level of perfection befitting me and my style. I cannot write if I do not have time, time to think, to walk into explored worlds, to pry into unexplored ones, to dig up a secret treasure. Factual description is difficult because I need to work its phrasing to perfection, idealogical description is even more difficult because I need to discover and organise thoughts. I have a compelling need to listen to myself. I write in a way which is truly mine, one which no one human would ever be able to replicate. I write and rewrite until my heart is fully content, but in pleasing myself I must be heard. I need people to read and to comment, and although I know that no one could ever analyse my style, interpret every single word and question my choice of language and pleasure I purposefully link my thoughts, achieve organisation, and hint. Yet, not everything is a hint, and as obvious as I try to share, I fear someone innocently ignorant misinterpreting my words. Every bit of information about me is important, I do not forget nor wish to forget memories. Nothing is trivial, and there is little I do not share. But I share in writing, I look at people who have read my blog (who tell me they read my blog) in a different light.
I wrote the above before I went out to dinner. Now it's 10.17p.m. and I'm tired and not in the mood. Plus I hate what I wrote even though I spent a lot of time on it. Nevertheless it's important to me so I will post this entry.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:24 p.m.
Copied International Trade notes yesterday, read Chapter 1 today and did Tutorial 1. It was a good thing too, 'cos JT sent out the people in class who didn't do it and also because today's Econs lesson for the remainder of the class was quite helpful.
Today was a short day, as Wednesdays usually are. Thank God because I was quite tired. I think I just need my usual 8 hours or more of sleep because the 7 hours weren't enough and my head has been throbbing since I did the NE Quiz during CT period.
GP was ok although I kept silent and was glad to be left alone. It wasn't that I was angry, it was just that I had nothing to say and I didn't know that much about the twin sisters Ladan and Laleh. We have a lot of GP homework due tomorrow, namely to read many selected articles from Time (knowing me I will take a very long time to complete this) and do many questions from the worksheet.
I spent break doing Econs and eating my Starbucks chocolate biscotti (the one I bought when I was out with Mei and Bingz).
Geography lecture was good. We watched a video (I love videos) on the natural landforms all over the world, in every single continent, from rivers to mountains, rift valleys to hot springs, geysers and fumaroles, from deserts to coastlines, from waterfalls to fjords to the stalactites and stalagmites in caves. I love New Zealand, and seeing Milford Sound and the other sights reminded me of my 3-week trip there. (I realised later after ranting about the holidays when I was doing the Friday Five a while ago that I did hold good memories about some holidays, and that at the end of the year I would want to go abroad for inspiration to write.) Fired up my enthusiasm for Geography again, wish I'd done better and put in more interest. I like learning and I admire people with a passion for learning but I wish I had one main passion I could concentrate on and excel really well in. However sometimes I do thank the Lord that I can do a lot of little things here and there pretty well, though not outstandingly well because this enables me to understand and appreciate more fields. I was really tired, very tempted to fall asleep but I really didn't want to miss parts of the video so I kept awake until the end.
Econs was helpful. My concepts are clearer now. I found out that I have about 8 weeks to prepare for my Prelims. This is week 2 and the Prelims will most probably be during the last week of the term (week 10). JT says we should scale down all other activities and really concentrate on our studies and to bear with stress since it is normal.
I will be getting back my Maths paper tomorrow, and my GP and Econs scripts next week. GP tutor says GP's not too badly done on the whole (but I am not seeking just to pass) and Econs tutor says that Econs was a disaster for the entire level -only one person in her two classes passed Case Study and it definitely can't be me because there are Econs 'S' students in the other class and I'm not even the best in my class- (a relief in a sense, hope for a moderation). I am expecting a fail grade for Maths. I know I said an E, but well, I didn't put in enough effort. I am displeased with myself for not studying statistics harder. I must study harder, but I need to get my owed homework out of the way too.
After school I went to MacDonalds for lunch with DW. Didn't intend to take up so much time, just wanted a short lunch for his sake and mine but we ended up taking a little more time, maybe because somehow when we were talking the conversation shifted to my family (I don't know how it shifted) and I got very obviously angry and started ranting. I could feel the anger surging within me and I wanted to blow up and cry at the same time. At that moment I hated my family and I wanted to run away from home. Today I considered packing my bags and running away but I knew that that was a sin and would incur a rebuke from God. DW was going to correct me, I think, but my bus came.
And now, the updates, as promised.
Sunday night was a night of crying, crying in the car on the way home, and then sobbing on the phone to DW later. It first started with the usual yelling of my father to my brother in the afternoon which I could hear even though my bedroom door was closed. Then we went to Sakae Sushi. The family took the set meals while I happily grabbed the most exotic dishes from the moving conveyor. (I joyfully dug snails in murky water, juicy raw salmon, sushi balls and other strange foods, dad commenting later how much I'd eaten.) Then my mother asked me, "Did you eat the satay (at the NBC gathering which my family was hosting)?" "No," I said, "I didn't eat much." Then my parents started to argue with raised voices about the food, dad accusing mom of not providing enough, mom accusing dad of blaming her always when there were SEVEN dishes leftover and packed for the guests to take home and lychee not taken out of the fridge because others had already brought lychee and just not enough satay because two of the children were seeing how much satay they could eat, mom losing her patience and dad, AS USUAL NOT ADMITTING THAT HE WAS WRONG and refusing to talk to her. (I've stopped apologizing a long time ago, after people scorned my apologies. This is another thing I'm still very angry about.) I was upset because after exulting the Christian generosity exhibited by the guests (which is commendable still) I found out that apparently these guests weren't needed to bring supper, that it was the responsibility of the host (which made me think even better of the guests' generosity) and that my dad and mom were arguing over such trivial and inconsequential issues, my dad as usual with his puffed up pride he never could get rid off. Later outside the restaurant while I was standing aloof and alone my mother continued ranting to me but I turned my back on her and ignored her. Then my dad came over and I linked arms with him and chatted normally to him. At that moment I hated myself because it seemed like I was taking sides but actually I wasn't. I asked to go home, and we went home after that meal without the ice cream and the walking about, me about to cry. The tears came in the car. Everyone sat in silence and I realised that immediately after I'd left the car my dad had changed the song from Michael Card to something else (that really hurt a lot and it was what sparked me to stop sharing Michael Card). I was crying on the way home but no one would have noticed because I was staring out of the window, my long hair covering my face (although my breathing was erratic, like when one cries). I reached home, ran up the stairs, locked my bedroom door, cried in front of the computer and Prisca, and then called DW. By the time I called DW I had stopped crying but the moment I heard his voice, even before I could tell him what was wrong I started sobbing even harder than before, in a most unglamourous and pitiful fashion.
Monday was Youth Day. I went online to find Bingz wanting to go out. Mei and Bingz were originally going out and they invited me, but I had to go out with my family for lunch so I joined them later. Lunch with the family was the usual, in the car my father talked about assessment books for my brother and at Swensens where I took the Executive Meal (Fish and Chips, Soup, Tea and one scoop of Sticky Chewy Chocolate ice cream and a free Sarsi from my mother's membership card) my brother acted sulky as usual, gave my parents the usual problems, and my parents provoked my brother with me sitting there stupidly as usual in the midst of tension. After the meal, my father and brother went to Popular and my mother had paid the Swensen's bill and said goodbye to me. I'd wanted to go straight to City Hall to meet Bingz and Mei but I was distracted by Tom and Stefanie's (the clothes there and the cards -bought one for Aishu 'cos I still owe her a card and for some reason I can't find the other one we bought together-) and the big screen which was playing this year's National Day song. I stood staring at the screen for a while but the song didn't replay so I haven't really heard the song yet.
On reaching City Hall MRT (after an agonising while of holding my bladder on the train) I marched off in my usual fashion along the corridors of City Link Mall where I turned into an outlet and stumbled upon a women's staff toilet and was directed by a rather confused cleaner and a male security guard to the public toilet in the other direction. I realised how obsessive I was later when I realised that I did not just have the habit of making sure every inch of my hands and fingers are clean (some people in this year's Eleco camp have noticed that when I brush my teeth I make sure every single inch of my teeth is clean too) my clothes had to be perfect too (I was pulling my bottomwear -the whole ensemble- up and down numerous times, adjusting and readjusting just to make sure everything was perfect). After ascertaining the perfection in my looks though, I found out that Mei and Bingz were headed for the MRT station to wait for me so I went back.
It was a good outing. We went shopping around Suntec City, Marina Square and the City Link Mall, Bingz looking for slippers and Mei and I buying random things. Mei got a really cute little Pooh on a wooden rocking horse toy from the coin slot machine, the one where you insert a coin and turn the handle and can get any toy in the range (she got her first choice) and 2 postcards (Legolas and Winnie the Pooh) and a Legolas calendar card -if I didn't remember wrongly- and I got a bookmark of An1 Xi1 jiao4 lian4 and San1 Jing3 Shou4 (from Slam Dunk) for DW from Gift Land -thanks to Bingz- and chose two calendar cards from the funky movie shop (one Spiderman for DW and one Harry Potter and Draco for Lucius). I finally understood Mr. Willy Wonka's reason for being so generous with Wonka-Vite in Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator (Roald Dahl) but not using even one pill on himself. I realised I am like that too, it isn't that I am particularly generous (I am certainly not), it is just me to feel that spending on myself was a waste of money. Bingz, Mei and I also had a wonderful time at Starbucks where I (wisely) decided on an Expresso Frappuccino instead of a Mocha Frappuccino (because this one time Xin Yi and I tried the Mocha we disliked it and because after the lovely Ice-Blended at the Esplanade's Art Digest I realise that the stronger and more distinct the bitter coffee taste is the more I like the drink). Bingz had an interesting-looking Caramel Frappuccino with Coffee Jelly (something like that). I took away a nice-looking chocolate biscotti and downed some water after the Expresso Frappuccino. I love cafe experiences.
In other news, I have been carrying out facial treatment ever since Monday evening I believe, the instruments of which are my Facial Scrub, Facial Foam, Toner, Pimple Cream (which I found out to my disappointment was only 10% Benzoyl Peroxide instead of 100% Benzoic Peroxide, but this appears to be the maximum concentration I can find) and Moisturizer. I think this combination is quite ordinary, but being lazy I haven't been using this until recently. I will carry out this regime faithfully at least twice a day. I will strive for smooth skin.
I'm going to be very busy. First I have to get my homework out of the way, practise my violin, go for violin tonight, Sunday School dinner tomorrow night (still unsure about the weekly meeting with Xin Yi 'cos she seems to be busy the rest of the week but although I could squeeze her in tomorrow it would be a bit rushed and I need to consider my studies also), practise piano, wedding rehearsal next Monday, dental appointment Thursday, wedding Saturday, and then I need to train for Australian Maths Competition which is somewhere this month (I cannot go for it untrained because I can't even do A level Maths and I'm not like the other people on the list, adept at Maths, F Maths, Maths Olympiads and whatnot).
I am quite sad now. I've been staring at my wrist which is red and doesn't seem to be healing but instead is stinging. Why? I haven't hurt it since close to two weeks ago. I hurt myself again today. But I will return to God tonight, and read my Bible and pray.
Jesus, Lover Of My Soul
Jesus, lover of my soul
Other refuge have I none
Thou, O Christ art all I want
Plenteous grace with Thee is found
[The line 'Plenteous grace with Thee is found' strikes me the most.]
More about the outing with DW another time.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:26 p.m.
Either there is some awful misunderstanding, or I am one of the densest people alive. Why is it that my patience always is the last to run out?
Don't you ever EVER for one moment think that I am a nice understanding girl. I am NOT. Conflicts happen all the time because of misunderstandings. Then people give up. Then I find myself seemingly the one keeping everything together, the NICE ONE, the person whom everyone can talk to, whom everyone likes in the midst of all this quarrel. It must be my isolation, the fact that I'm never really fully involved in something. I must be missing something. But it's not like I don't care. It's just that I don't say. It's just that I'm too diplomatic to say. And when I finally say something, everything blows out of proportions and I get hurt the most. Because when I finally bother to articulate my emotions the peace is finally disrupted. Did I dare think I was so noble as to be the sole thread holding everything together? YES I dare say that. YES I DARE SAY THAT a lot of things would have fallen if I wasn't there. Yes I'm perfect. I give YOU hope because you are angry with him. And I give him hope because he is angry with you. I give people hope by doing NOTHING. By just being nice and not bothering to argue. But you know what? I wish I wasn't there. I wish I wasn't involved in anything. I wish I didn't live in the first place. Then I don't have to bear with so much hurt. Well I'm SORRY, I have feelings too and no one bothers to hear them.
I write for a purpose. I write to be HEARD. And I need to be heard. Right at this moment I feel so very misunderstood.
If I were to truly list the number of people I hate dislike despise it would be MILLIONS OF PEOPLE. Because I am the most unforgiving petty person. I am the most angry and bitter. It's only that I am a person who values control. I control my emotions. I scrawl my anger on paper. The truth is, I am so angry and bitter over a million things sometimes I just feel like going mad. I feel like screaming and telling everyone to just get lost. I feel like throwing glass onto the floor and seeing it shatter into a million splinters. I feel like just letting loose, and wearing a black jacket and going on car races and taking drugs and finally hauling my body into a river and dumping it off. I feel like slitting my wrist, like cutting myself up. I feel like hurting myself.
But you see, I actually BOTHER to be nice. And it's not like I hate all people. There are people I actually LIKE, like De Wen and Prisca and Nat, and there are people I actually think are NICE, like Ailin. Actually I think a lot of people are really cool and nice, the bulk of my friends and classmates, churchmates, violin teacher. I think a lot of people are cool. Ok. Actually I am not that frenzied. I am not that insane. I do think a lot of people are nice, and I see a lot of nice things in people. And I especially appreciate it when people are able to see that I'm hurting, because I'm hurting a whole f***ing lot.
Ah I am a rebel. A REBEL!!!!!!!!!!! I feel most misunderstood. You know seriously I think NO ONE CARES about me and frankly I don't give a damn. This is a bloody natural thing. No one cares about no one. I am not bitter about this. But maybe I will try to articulate a bit about what I've been feeling for my ENTIRE LIFE.
Well I hate YOU first of all for breaking us up and for harrassing me and getting me into trouble with the church and with my father so much so that until now my father still remembers it I hate YOU for not listening to me for betraying me for treating me like a prized object to be won I hate the BOTH OF YOU for fighting over me YOU YOU YOU and YOU yes I have experienced this TWICE already I hate YOU for causing a rift in my extended family and for haunting my memories and for intruding into my space I hate YOU for molesting me right then and there in CHURCH in a church my church with all those people mingling around and for backing me into a corner YOU a grown up MAN and me a GIRL and making demands on me and forcing me and YOU for bothering me and YOU especially you for saying what you did about council I NEVER EVER FORGAVE YOU even though the others probably did and I remember YOU YOU know NOTHING absolutely ZILCH about council so don't you DARE making such comments just because I am angry about council doesn't give you the right to pass any judgement on ME and council ALL you IDIOT GUYS and then YOU for being so egoistical and for only caring about academic things every DAY every SINGLE BLOODY DAY talking about ACADEMICS ACADEMICS ACADEMICS and yelling at HIM and HER and YOU for supporting HIM and YOU for just keeping quiet and being rude I KNOW you gave up on this family long ago but you didn't have to be so DIFFICULT
YOU YOU and YOU you didn't see ANYthing. Tried to share Michael Card with you, was so enthusiastic and you just didn't bother did you you didn't bother to listen clearly to what I was trying to say so what did I do? Now everytime we go out in the car even though my Michael Card cd is in the cd player I let you listen to whatever music you like, even music that is blurred, and I plug in my discman and enjoy my own Michael Card music and I've stopped talking now, I've stopped sharing and you couldn't even see that something was wrong all these years I cried I sobbed in my room alone ALONE and no one knew and today I kept quiet and I told you to leave me alone after you asked me a question about why shares rise I do NOT want to discuss issues at the table then you left me alone for a while then you went on about Lit AGAIN AGAIN you do this every single day DAMN YOU Lit University and you asked me would you like to be a teacher? No I said just to humour you then you asked me another question would you like to be a journalist and then I said please just stop bothering me and you said it was only one question and then I lost my patience finally after EVERY DAY hearing you yell at him and all the quarrelling over the most trivial things what not doing assessments even not providing enough FOOD at the gathering WHO CARES!!! Your PRIDE maybe. And then I said it wasn't just one question you had asked me THREE questions and why was our family just talking about academics every day and you got mad and said if it was not important then do what I like and there was silence and you just went up to the living room and I just finished my food and went upstairs and cried if you'd notice you'd have noticed that I was rushing my food already right from the start at dinner but I bet you didn't notice.
YOU HAVE NO INKLING over my emotional state NO IDEA about my sadness my fears my work you have no idea oh yes a few more people I hate I hate YOU for betraying my trust in you at counselling for throwing me out of the office when I was crying I hate YOU for giving me so much stress and for not understanding I hate YOU for getting me into trouble when I was NOT PDA-ing I am the last person in school to be touching around do you have EYES?! Well I'm sorry I'm in a wonderful relationship that doesn't need touch to survive and just because I'm close emotionally doesn't mean I have to be close physically you IDIOTS
Well I am SORRY I am so affected by so many things the truth is I am. The truth is I am a violent person who's filled with anger who hates the fact that people don't bother to see beyond the surface and the fact that I'm always alone not attached to any other person like a drifter you know everyone can talk to me and I can talk to anyone but when it comes to real friends people cling on to people and I'm left with no one. And the truth is I control my emotions a lot but I'm boiling inside and I remember things years and years after they happen not that it's my fault I just cannot FORGIVE and FORGET they hurt me too much.
But the truth is that my faith is not a sham and the reason why I'm able to be so angry right now is because I'm choosing to sin, I am choosing not to read the Bible and pray (reading verses doesn't count) for 3 days and I have been injuring and yesterday I had one of the longest and most serious genital-injuring and fluid-manipulation sessions ever.
It's not like I mind you talking about the future but you know what you don't KNOW ME and you don't WANT TO KNOW me that day you just said, 'I'm expecting first class honours from you. Can you get first class honours?' what on earth are you expecting me to say? I cannot tolerate anymore the emphasis on academics EVERY SINGLE DAY.
You know what? I said this before. I hate the bulk of the world. I hate and despise them. I think they are shallow and superficial people who can't speak Chinese properly who laugh and talk loudly those you see in the shopping centres, and people who shake their legs whom I seriously feel like just cracking and breaking their bones and tearing out their muscles. And people who tuck out their uniform shirts for goodness sake just obey the school rules will you what on earth are you in a school for it's also an EASY rule it's not like you have to finish your homework or something.
I have been in a most foulsome mood. It has nothing to do with friends but everything to do with family, yelling at home, stress from school (block tests and JT and GP) and just idiots I see every day. And while I once again reiterate that I do see goodness in the world (I am not depressed I am NOT I am merely very infuriated) I have been thinking of suicide and other violent matters.
And now for something that I've steadily found out about myself over the past few days. Another reiteration.
I WRITE FOR A REASON. I WRITE TO BE HEARD.
Which means that I like comments because comments show that people have been listening (thank you HJ and Prisca). However at the same time I realise that comments aren't ultimately necessary simply because I write for myself I do not write for others I write for MYSELF (when I'm not talking about God usually I'm writing for myself) and I write to be heard. Because I feel like there's no one who really knows me (ok one person who does know me a lot is DW) and I want to express something.
Not trying to be noble not trying to put myself on a pedestal (I hate myself so why would I put myself up?). Just trying to be honest. I am just trying to be honest to show another side of me a more angry side it doesn't make me angry on the whole. So with this disclaimer take it whatever way you want. But I promise I will still verbally kill any (anonymous) idiot who makes stupid/non-valuable/meaningless/smart-aleck comments.
Consequently, just so I share the link, that is why my blog is not private (not that I have anything against people who make private blogs) and why there is NO ONE on my ICQ visible list. It is because I either express something or I don't. One day if I'm sick of saying something I will not make my blog private. I will take the whole thing off.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:07 p.m.
Psalm 103:1, 2, 5 - "Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: ... Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's."
Church was really good yesterday. The hymns were great: This is My Father's World, God is Known among His People and O Rejoice in the Lord. Softly And Tenderly was ok also, the Youth Choir sang one version during their presentation and it was reiterated in the traditional version (the one in the hymn book) by the entire congregation in the closing hymn. We're beginning a new series of messages on God's promises planned for the next quarter. I love the promises of God. The messages look interesting.
Lamentations 3:31-33 - "For the Lord will not cast off for ever: But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies. For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men."
Preacher Mark Chen spoke yesterday on To the Afflicted, A Message of God's Sovereignty. The gist of it was that God's sovereignty consists of his omnipotence (power) and omniscience (wisdom) and that he takes our affliction and turns it into something good.
The range of God's sovereignty far exceeds our human understanding. In 1 Chronicles 29:10-12, David praises God for his 'greatness', 'power', 'glory', 'victory', and 'majesty' while Psalm 76 says that those who oppose Him will be routed. God can use the actions of our afflictors, change them, make them good. He is able to, and He will. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." It is comforting that we do not have to go through affliction alone and without the hope of a good ending. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." This is in line with God's goodness. God helps us and provides a means for dealing with our affliction. 1 Cor 10:13 - "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."
Don't let the things in your life become your spiritual affliction. Recognise God's hand in them. Since these trials are sent by Him we should welcome them. Our first care is to seek to glorify Him. Genesis 37-50 tells the story of Joseph, the man who was put into a pit by his jealous brothers, threatened to be killed, sold to the Midianites, resold to Potiphar, falsely accused by Potiphar's wife, jailed (all this though he was innocent) and later rose up to become the most important and influential man in Egypt 2nd to Pharoah and the saviour of the Israelites in famine. When his father died, even the Egyptians mourned for him, to the surprise of the Canaanites. In Gen 50:16-18, Joseph's brothers are so fearful of him that they send a messenger pleading for forgiveness and offer to be his servants. Aside from Christ, if there was any man who had every right to take revenge, and every means to do so (given his status and power), it was Joseph. However, in Gen 50:20, Joseph said his most famous words, "But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive." He desired not vengeance but to do the will of God.
Hatred, our inability to speak peacably to others, is an utter abomination to God. James 1:2-5 says, "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." God sent afflictions through Jesus and perfected them. His standards are high, but His promise is great and possible. The Holy Spirit is a guarantee. As born servants, we have no rights. In surrendering to God, we are steadily perfected. Do we not want this perfection?
I returned to Sunday School. Yesterday was Missionary Sunday, and we gathered in the sanctuary with the Adult Sunday School class to listen to our missionary to Kenya talk about his one-year stint there. Through the work of God and the missionaries there a clinic and a secondary school have been set up, water and sewage pipes laid out, and daily chapel, weekly family worship, Sunday School, service and bible study conducted.
My teacher changed my violin strings! Now my violin sounds a lot better! It'll take about a week for the strings to stabilize pitch though.
From Plhu's blog:
1. A quote from your favorite poem, book, or graphic novel.
2. A quote from your favorite song.
3. A quote from your best friend or favorite person.
4. A quote from someone who dislikes you or hates you.
5. A quote from a family member.
6. A quote from your favorite actor or actress.
7. A quote from your favorite movie.
8. A quote, any quote :)
More updates about Sunday and today hopefully within the next few days.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:05 p.m.
Written Monday 30th June 2003:
I found it easier to study when I realized that it was the right thing to do especially preceding the block test. However, the 3 days of block tests were still incredibly study-intensive and agonisingly long. Thank God for giving me strength to go through this period and for helping me along through the encouragement of my friends. I prayed at night and before the exams (often very long prayers for myself and others) and managed to read my Bible. Although I often neglected God's Word and had to force myself to pick it up, I thank God for constant reminders (I would see my Bible on my bedside shelf) and for giving me the discipline to read it. I haven't been reading any particular fixed passages, from James 4 where I left off, I opened the Bible and just read any passage. I remember reading a Psalm, the night before I read 1st Timothy 1 and decided to read Chapter 2 as well, and yesterday night I decided to continue with Chapter 3, and when I had finished I moved on to Chapter 4. God's Word is very comforting, and it's a wonderful learning experience reading it. Many times I am tired when I read the Word of God (because I push it to the last before I sleep and often do many things before I sleep) but after forcing myself to read, I often feel rejuvenated to the extent that I go on to read one more chapter before my physical tiredness sets in. One of the amazing things about God is He is perfect. He never leaves us, He's always there, always watching us (yet not in a menacing way) and guiding us (yet not in a pressurizing, imposing way). Sometimes we feel alone because our friends are not around, because they cannot be around, and this loneliness is intensified when we are depressed (I sometimes get depressed for no real reason) but if we allow Him to, God pervades our thoughts, comforting and reassuring, and approachable for us to pour our hearts to, even if all we say is "Help me, Lord". I remember reading a story about someone who questioned the applicability of listening to regular weekly sermons if after a while he would forget what the sermon was about. He was answered by someone who compared the sermons to the meals his wife cooked daily which, although he would not remember years down the road, were essential to sustaining him every day. Indeed regular Bible-reading, praying and thinking of God is essential, so is spending time in church with God and focusing on Him. Michael Card's Soul Anchor cd which DW lent me (so Chooi Mei you can enjoy mine longer! :D) has been replayed numerous times, every day, and is really a great source of comfort in the mornings and during bath times (because I like working/reading etc. without music, I only regularly listen to music while I'm travelling and when I'm bathing), and I've benefitted from the Bible reading, prayer and church sermons both during these activities and after.
I had GP and Lit on Tuesday, Econs on Wednesday and Maths and Geog on Thursday. Disclaimer: Expectations are based on personal standards, e.g. I usually get a C-D for Lit and I've only hit a B a couple of times, so to me a C would be a good average and a B a good grade.
GP
Lit
Econs
Maths
Geog
I realise that I have the potential to do well in 4 subjects in the A levels, if I study harder, but the road is far from easy. I have tried to exercise reasonable judgement in my expectations but I may have been too kind to myself. When the results are announced next week I may be scolded by a few people and even asked to drop a subject.
After the block tests, De Wen and I went to the Suntec City Exhibition and Convention Centre to check out the annual World Book Fair. It was a sore disappointment, there was a gross lack of variety and the vaguely interesting books there were at market price (i.e. close to or above $20). I didn't expect to come all the way to a World Book Fair for this. :( However, our outing was really good because I really did have a great time with him, taking the bus down and walking around. The iced-blended mocha lover in me tells me to try out the mochas at Pacific Coffee Company. I still maintain that The Esplanade's Art Digest has the best iced-blended mocha in Singapore. :D After the outing, I went home and collapsed in bed at 9.30p.m. for close to 12 hours.
Yesterday, I managed to read Life! and watch Moulin Rouge for the very first time! Moulin Rouge is a good show with a great soundtrack. In the evening, my family hosted a quarterly or so combined Neighbourhood Bible Community gathering. Originally I was resigned as I'd wanted to be left alone instead of entertain acquaintances but I really did enjoy myself. While the adults were having their singspiration, sharing, prayer and exhortation, the younger children (mostly boys) were running around in my brother's room and the landings or playing with vehicle toys or playing counter-strike on my brother's computer, and the older children :D were squeezed in my messy room (with egg tart wrappers, a Pepsi Twist can and glass filled with ants crawling around on my computer table, and loads of books, files and papers). I was very thankful that Deborah, Josiah, Faith and Daniel initiated chats (because I didn't, I only just smiled continuously and often giggled shyly -I was really awkward, tense and painfully shy-). Deborah, Josiah and Faith had just returned a week ago from a two-year stay in America so they shared their experiences with us and we talked about movies, music, skater shoes, computer stuff and games. We also played cards, I learnt how to play poker and we played Big2 and Cheat as well. :D Hahahaha despite believing that I was too honest to play Cheat properly I managed to win one game which they were saying no one could possibly win to their amazement, and Josiah won the next. :D Faith and Michelle looked like they were having a really good chat and I also managed to talk to Michelle for a while later. We checked out skater shoes online (I thank God that when they wanted to go online and looked at my computer they found a window open to Heartlight: SearchGodsWord: "diligent", Notepad with this blog entry, and Outlook Express instead of other content because even though I access clean material it was, to a certain extent, an intrusion). But I managed to point out shoes I liked and give comments on certain shoes, asking a few questions, so I wasn't exactly behaving antisocially. I added Deborah, Josiah and Daniel to my ICQ/MSN list.
I enjoyed the Christian fellowship a lot. It was really good clean fun -really clean but fun and pleasantly different-, and I was taken in by the natural friendliness of my peers, as well as the generosity of all the families involved yesterday. As is the common practice, families bring food of all kinds for supper, there were mangoes, dumplings, soon kueh and sauce, satay, cucumber and rice cakes and sauce, otah, fishballs, drinks and other foodstuffs. I didn't eat a lot, in fact I retreated to the living room where I could sit on the floor and eat from the coffee table, but I watched as everyone squeezed into the dining room to mingle and chat. I was amazed because people just readily talked like old friends, even to the newcomers. I went back upstairs to my computer for a while but later went back down to say goodbye when everyone was about to go. Deborah thanked me for giving them a good time, while I didn't know what to say 'cos although I did have a good time I still couldn't express myself adequately. Nevertheless my smile was there and I don't think she minded at my inability to articulate myself. My shyness is appalling. When I hear my soft voice speak to adults and to my friends, I am amazed they can even hear me and that they don't seem to mind.
Because I wasn't online during the block test period, I have had to catch up on my online work. I have successfully cleared my mailbox. I need to read blogs too. I'm very thankful for the chats I've been having with Haihan, Natalie, Lin Hai, Huijun, Prisca, De Wen, Yiwei and Daniel. Because common tests end on Tuesday, I only need to go back to school for four periods of Lit makeup lessons on Tuesday and start school officially on Wednesday. I'm grateful for the short break, an opportunity also to catch up on my owed assignments and holiday homework. Congratulations to those who've finished their common tests and all the best to those whose block tests end on Tuesday (History, Further Maths and Bio Practical, hope I named all). Thanks for all the well-wishes and encouragement. (Thanks to Sean for the sms too, and to De Wen for the numerous smses.)
I have been privileged enough to be taken into the confidence of quite a few friends. I will not betray that confidence.
On the more physical front I am considering cutting my hair. In unrelated news I realise I dislike loosely-tied hair. I haven't been putting my 100% benzoic peroxide pimple cream because this 3 times a day maximum facial treatment killed my face, making it raw, red, dry, peeling and hurting. However, now that my skin has suitably recovered perhaps I will start my regime again. Squeezing pus-filled pimples and cleaning them up is necessary. My monthly is eluding me, possibly due to recent stress. The skin on my wrist is still healing and although it has been touched and rubbed by the obsessed me, it hasn't been torn for more than one week. I have taken to tearing the nails and skin of my fingers and toes instead.
Thank God, my mother is all right. The growth in her breast has potential for growth and cancer but it isn't cancerous, and she only needs a re-examination next year. :D Her pulse (sp?) is also much better. Thanks to all for praying. God bless you.
Just a note: future personality tests (done off other sites) will be posted on my personality test blog instead linked off my sidebar.
Friday Five July 4, 2003
1. What were your favorite childhood stories?
2. What books from your childhood would you like to share with [your] children?
3. Have you re-read any of those childhood stories and been surprised by anything?
4. How old were you when you first learned to read?
5. Do you remember the first 'grown-up' book you read? How old were you?
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