Perfect Peace

People around me are feeling sad but I can't help because I'm feeling sad too.

I wonder where Grace's blog is. And Ayumi's chatterbox has expired. I hope they don't delete it before her return.

Am I staying up the whole night then? Sure looks like it and even though my eyes are bleary and smarting my brain is pretty active. Did a few personality tests and look forward to reading more of The Remnant. Where's my prioritising then? And there are quite a few things to do for council tomorrow too including the OpenHouse drafts. Tomorrow will be a very busy day methinks.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Wednesday, July 31, 2002 12:51 a.m.

Took off the previous entry before realizing that quite a number of people already saw it. Oh well.

Cried a bit then went to read The Remnant. Less than 50 pages to the end.

Perhaps it was meant to be that that really long entry was deleted. It was an insult on quite a lot of people anyway. I was reflecting somewhat on my behaviour and decided that I ought to be more Christian in deed.

There are quite a few things to thank God about actually despite the day being not as pleasant as I would have liked it to be. At least I got my MC and medicine, bought a new OP wallet (realising later that there was no coin pouch so I'm going to put the coins with the dollar notes since that pouch is sealed). Went to the library and got a new library card as well as paid most of my fines. Have a little less than worth of fines now but my borrower status is good so I'll leave it that way. I was delighted to find a huge collection of Left Behind: The Kids novels as the Young People's Section at JWCL. Most of the books were there, and I borrowed books 17-20 (book 16 was unfortunately unavailable). I also saw the earlier books in the Left Behind (Adult) collection over at the Adult Fiction section. Both sets of books were under 'LaHaye'. Also saw 'Mercedes Lackey' while searching for 'LaHaye' and thought of jie.

Dinner was good. My mother prepared a whole western meal for us, soup, apple salad, fish, chicken and fries, so it was quite a treat. Unfortunately we never quite got to thanking her because I was not feeling well so didn't exactly entertain the prospect of fried food and didn't finish my dinner. Besides, my father was trying to get attention and with both my brother and I in our normal moods we didn't really accord him the attention we should have. My brother has started becoming alarmingly rude at the table too. I was too sick to say much. Felt alone at dinner and wondered what it would be like to be outcasted. Really outcasted.

'Tired but happy'. That's the way primary compositions always seemed to end. Well now I'm really tired, with my eyes closing, and it doesn't help that I cried just now. Thank God my headache has subsided. Was not feeling too good the afternoon. Economics Tutorials 5 and 6 have been done and I just need a bit more effort to finish up 7. Si Jia says that I should probably do Maths Tutorial 3 questions 4-6 so I'll do just that before returning to 1-3 and seeing what else I can accomplish. My Lit. essay isn't done but I am at Chapter 8 now and will probably read until Chapter 11 before attempting it. I really want to get it done. Meanwhile everything is in quite a bit of mess. I have to get files to organise my notes in (my present files are bursting and there are way more stacks lying in my room) and I need to sort out a few items for school tomorrow.

Still, tomorrow will be a busy day, what with Morning Briefing, Teachers' Day Work Session and all. Thankfully it isn't a long day for lessons but I'll need my energy to be up during council.

Blogging hurts because I see things I don't want to see. And sometimes people hurt me even when they don't mean to. But I'm staying on and maintaining composure for now. I still believe you who are reading my blog are laughing at me and scorning me but well...there's a reason my blog's entitled Psychotic Perspectives. I just hope that my present pathetic state of life can be sympathised with and not insulted.

Thought of suicide but decided against it. Well. Feeling quite isolated from the world now, taking comfort only in God, myself and what I'm doing.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Tuesday, July 30, 2002 11:40 p.m.

I am feeling immense pain. First I spend one hour typing nonstop a really long entry about my blog and just when I talk again about my breakup the whole entry disappears and I'm left to RETYPE everything. And I realise I only saved about half to three quarters of the entry.

I feel so much like crying. And I know that I will if I concentrate hard enough.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Tuesday, July 30, 2002 07:19 p.m.

I will clear my Wish List every week (those that are not applicable or not completed).

Hopefully this will up my discipline. I'm also being blameless here and not hiding anything from myself and other people. What I haven't done and what I intend to do will be reflected here to a great extent.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Tuesday, July 30, 2002 10:57 a.m.

Just received an e-mail saying that my chatterbox is quite unused and to use it within the next five days or else it will be deleted. So people...please use the chatterbox if you can.

I'm not in school today. It's a personal choice and I managed to answer to my parents about it. For one thing I was sleeping quite soundly (and woke up croaking) with my nice blue coat on (and no one in their right mind sleeps with their coat on in my house). Besides that I did sleep very early last night (9.15p.m. to be specific) and if they saw that they would think something was wrong.

I'm not going to submit a parents' letter to the school again because parents' letters somehow lose their credibility (at least to me) after a while and I don't want to burden my parents with the writing of two cliche lines saying that they are sorry for my absence from school due to my not feeling well. Hence I am FINALLY (yes finally) going to see a doctor even if it is for minor ailments such as persistent headaches and an unwell throat. (What am I doing eating prawn crackers and drinking coke in front of the computer now though? My answer is because there is nearly nothing nice to eat here and I have to take breakfast don't I?)

As for the doctor's office I'm going to it's definitely not going to be Raffles Medical Group. I think they practise price discrimination there and I'll end up paying a lot of money which though sponsored by my parents is not something I'm cruel enough to make them pay. Yes I'm cruel but not THAT cruel. -imagines everyone laughing cynically at me- I'm probably going to some nearby polyclinic for a (I heard because I don't go to polyclinics) MC. I wonder how people can fake that they're sick and get a MC (and this is in reference to quite a lot of people I know who practise this) but then again the school system is so taxing that one can easily fall sick and if I miss school for one day who's going to deny me an MC because I need one? Especially if I genuinely thought I was sick.

Which brings me to this verse (after a load of rambling) that I've been thinking about recently. Of course now my current favourite verse is the one reflected in the title image: Isaiah 40:31 and my favourite song Wait on the Lord happens to be based on this verse too. Still I've been thinking about this verse and it's great that Heartlight has a search engine for one to search the Bible because I don't remember verses specifically and only vaguely and I'm glad to be able to refer to the verse entirely with just a few strokes of the keyboard. 1 Corinthians 10:23 says, 'All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.'

A lot of times I think about my own principles (which hopefully reflect God's principles) and why I don't do certain things I don't do. I told myself I wouldn't eat outside of the canteen and I didn't but sometimes (quite occasionally) I do and yesterday I did pop a few sweets in here and there. Actually it was because I was talking to Wen Jie and it happens she thinks it's alright to do so. Si Jia says some councillors knew it wasn't ok but did it too. The thing is do rules have to be followed to every letter? There are some teachers who actually allow the eating in class (but of course there are others who don't). And what is a role model? Can't you be a role model in other areas? I can safely say that at least to myself (from what I see objectively of myself) I can be seen as a role model. But I need to strive to work harder, to at least complete my tutorials, because although I do work, I'm not working hard enough, and I need to cleanse myself from my lazy streak especially since I condemn lazy people so much. I wonder if I'd not be so conscious of myself had I not been a councillor. I used to be very perfectionistic already and always obeying the rules but I did openly eat in class. I guess it's not just the issue of eating in class. It's the extent to which I should be a goody-two-shoes. Actually I don't even have to try to be good because my principles are pretty strong and my conscience is very active but there are certain things I do waver on about. I pray God will give me the strength to overcome temptations and to do the right thing.

I realise I haven't explained why exactly I've decided not to go to school. (a) I've been getting headaches and I know that today is going to be a very long day (ending at about 6). (b) There are a lot of lessons today and hence a lot of homework I haven't done and will need to humour the teacher about e.g. Maths, Lit, Econs and Chinese. (c) I think perhaps I will get things done if I sit at home and get things done. Besides, the lessons today are pretty skippable methinks (partly because I'm not ready). I wish we could just skip any lessons we like. As independent students I'm sure that we know what's good for ourselves and sometimes I'd just like to skip a few lessons so that I get some time to myself and also so that I'll be able to catch up on whatever homework I've missed. Some notes can be copied and learnt and you don't have to sit in a lecture to understand the topic (besides, how much can you remember, and I'm just about knowing nothing for Geography?) But there is no use just sitting around and moping about what will never be and worried as I may be I guess I just have to begin the arduous process of revision which I dread. It's really taxing on my brain though when I have to multitask during a lecture i.e. pay attention to both the lecture and to whatever homework I'm doing. It requires a lot of mental concentration.

My heart is filled with sadness now. One because it hurts still. I think about it all the time and sometimes when I'm reading I have to remember to steer myself back onto whatever I'm reading because I realise I drift off to think about the things that hurt me so and read without comprehension. Two because I'm still stuck with so much to do and so little time or discipline to do it. I would dearly love to do Maths Tutorial 3, Lit Essay (and read A Passage To India), Economics Tutorials 5-7 and tidy up my Chinese file by today. It may seem impossible but I'm going to try. And I wonder if one can read a book non-stop because I don't really do so. I get distracted. I've read the first five chapters of A Passage to India today. I will probably read this book and not touch The Remnant at all today. And while I thought I'd catch up on the personality tests that Chooi Mei's been doing I've lost quite some interest because (a) I'm so far behind, (b) I've got a lot of things on my mind, (c) I've got a lot of things to do and (d) I don't have the time. I think I will begin on my work now and see how things go.

God bless you all and to you too. I know you care and I still do too (as much as I dread to admit it) but it just wasn't meant to be and I can't permit myself to go on.

I don't think anyone understands me. How I crave for 'the secret understanding of the heart'!

Esther spread her wings and flew on Tuesday, July 30, 2002 10:07 a.m.

I try to smile all the time to lift others' spirits and my own and to help me enjoy whatever I'm doing.

Reached school at about 6.45a.m. today and went to B201 to do my homework. I think I'll be doing my homework there every morning if I can from now on. The Geography assignment looked really long but I did manage to finish about half of the first question before going downstairs for assembly.

Assembly was good. Clapped my hands for the Taiwanese students and acted happy. I actually told Wan Fang what had happened but she didn't hear me so I felt awkward at saying something like that during assembly. I was considering not telling her but it was really bugging me. Later I told her though and somehow Serene knew it even later.

Enthusiastic at P.E. and so had quite a lot of fun because I participated actively, smiled and told myself not to be disheartened when I missed the ball a lot of times, and paid attention during the lesson (both theory and practical) even though I was distracted quite a few times. I think the smile helped everyone and we had a lot of fun together as a class, although of course the credit shouldn't go to me just for smiling.

We ended P.E. a little early because it was raining. I did my Geography tutorial during Geography lecture and was grateful that I could at least eat during break because I was hungry. Wanted to talk to my GP tutor but couldn't find the words to say what I wanted to say. Later I met jie outside the locker too and I did say something to her but I think she didn't catch it either and my friends were rushing me off to eat so I couldn't tell her what was bothering me. Somehow I feel these are the two people who would understand but do I honestly want to disturb them with my problems? And do I want to skip lessons to go for counselling (because I don't have time otherwise although perhaps I could not go for first break tomorrow and go for counselling instead)? Am I being too dependent on counselling? Also, I don't want to cry AGAIN in front of people, and just when I've been keeping up the smile in front of my GP tutor and even joking with her.

Ate with Wan Fang and Serene over lunch. Serene was really concerned about me, and I'm grateful for that, but she has her own problems too, and I think she's got more reason to be upset than I have. I guess the class is wondering why the three of us never sit with them for break. My honest reason is I try my best to mix with the class during lessons and I feel that since I can't give more of my time to these two close friends I might as well spend break with them. Sometimes I'd prefer talking about problems that concern the three of us and laughing about jokes as a close-knit group rather than mixing with a general circle of classmates and listening to them. Not that they aren't interesting, I seriously don't mind them, but in terms of content and closeness, I would say I'm more comfortable at the other table.

GP tutor asked me if I ate and what I ate during lunch. Later after school when I went back to Nanyang, both teachers who saw me said I looked a little fatter and more grown up. Somehow that stirred up the still-anorexic side of me. Fat? I'm fat? But my Geography teacher (my favourite teacher too) says that I look a lot happier. I should join the acting school. Another person hurt me today in Nanyang, some teacher I didn't even know the name of, but I hid it so well I'm sure no one suspects.

Nearly slept during Econs tutorial, Geography tutorial and Econs lecture. Must be the late night. And now I have homework to do. Shall I do everything tomorrow? I really have a lot of work to do but I think I will (seriously) wake up at 4 to do and go to sleep now. Good night. I won't be doing a study marathon because I know I can't take it. And today I was plagued with headaches. Plus tomorrow is a long day ending at 5.05p.m., not including a Maths. remedial that continues from there. Plus I've to be in school early to help Ramnik with the council website. Couldn't do it after school because I end so late so I have to do it in the morning. Sigh. And I found out my Welfare Service is early this month, this Thursday in fact. Going to try and switch it with someone to a Wednesday because Thursday I end at 4.25p.m. (and it's my earliest day) and I try to keep Thursday free to go out with Xin Yi. It's a weekly priority that I never schedule anything on Thursday to interrupt my outing with Xin Yi.

Went out to Ritz Apple Strudel (can't remember the proper name) today with Si Jia after our visit to Nanyang. The apple strudel was not very nice, but I finished it all and skipped dinner because I was so full. At least I got started on my Maths and got Si Jia to help me a little. Good night everyone.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Monday, July 29, 2002 09:02 p.m.

Take heart Jillz. I am still thinking of you. Will be praying. -hugs-

Esther spread her wings and flew on Monday, July 29, 2002 08:55 p.m.

Great job on the layout Mei! :) Nice pink and good design. Plus Jessica Alba is really quite gorgeous. Think you should label your hyperlinked stars though because if people didn't read your first entry (after archiving) they probably wouldn't know where to find your chatterbox. Geography is also a very heavy subject. Sigh. Be thankful you have Chinese breaks though. ;)

Xin Yi warned me about this but it still happened and I couldn't help being hurt. It's funny that in just one day so many people talk to me about De Wen. And while I leave some of my friends to their own thoughts I do let others know the truth. I'm not really telling anyone voluntarily unless they ask, just like what I did when it first happened, and everyone started asking me why I didn't let them know. Do I have to anyway? I have a huge mess to clear up now because apparently people (a) are shocked, (b) think my reasons for doing so are not valid, but what do they know anyway?, (c) think I'm taking this very lightly. Seriously, do you honestly think that just because I smile and am enthusiastic about things I'm not trying to avoid a deeper sadness? Do you honestly think I'm that cruel? Does everyone have to remind me that I broke a guy's heart? Yes, I'm suffering from guilt, but was there any other option? And do you think it doesn't hurt? Seriously people.

And I feel so alone. Basically because people I want to talk to seem so busy and I just can't get the words out, and other people keep hurting me with their comments.

Today as I was walking home from school it occurred to me to vow to become a nun. And I thought of the past, when I believed that I could never love again. I mean, 5 relationships in the since the beginning of Sec. 4 alone, and every breakup initiated by me. Why? Because things never worked out, because the people always hurt me. This time I'm not trying to put the fault on anyone but myself. It was my problem. And I feel pathetic trying to make people understand. It's as if I'm asking for pity. Of course people will side with him...who wouldn't? He was the one who wanted to keep this thing going but I knew there were problems since months ago. So yes, I've become the evil one, and I bet everyone's just waiting to kill me right now for being so insensitive. Should I even quit this blog? There's so much more I could post, so much more I've been writing because I'm distracted during lectures, and I'm not because who would understand?

A vow is something really serious and I don't want to commit and then break it. But right now I promise myself this. I will not go into a relationship. I will not ever let myself be dependent on a guy again and to think about his happiness non-stop. I will not worry again over any problems in relationships because I won't have any. I will concentrate on myself and my girl friends. And I will lead a happy life without a guy. I believe I'm capable of that. And if I get the usual sparks of attraction that come with growing up into adulthood, I will ignore them. I promised myself before JC and I broke my promise. It's not going to happen again. I don't believe I deserve happiness after all I've done anyway. And it's not like anyone cares.

I'm a insensitive cruel being. Hurl obscenities at me and curse me while I cry alone.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Monday, July 29, 2002 08:29 p.m.

I have so much work to do over Monday (yes all 24 hours of Monday and for Monday and Tuesday) that I'm stuck. Maybe I should sleep and wake up at...5.15a.m. tomorrow so I'll be out the house at 6a.m. and in school at 6.30a.m. so I can do my Geography.

And then I'll use my break to do Geography and Economics. -wonders if she should take P.E.-

And I'm suffering from gastric. And continuing to starve myself tomorrow.

My first instinct is to say 'Leave me alone' as usual. Sigh...is this phrase overused? Perhaps it should be my catchphrase.

-dies-

Esther spread her wings and flew on Monday, July 29, 2002 12:05 a.m.

Much love to everyone out there. When I read your blogs I do have thoughts and feelings about you but somehow I'm not saying anything. But I'm thinking about you.

Can't wait for Ayumi's return on August 4th. -hugs jie-

Violin was ok. Realise I play better at my music school than at home for some reason. But I do get irritated during that half hour of lesson although I might not show it. It's so frustrating to lapse into the same mistakes and habits and so bad to not be able to position my fingers on the right parts of the string.

Went to the library for a while to read The Remnant. I'm not sure if I'm going to finish it tonight. Tomorrow's going to be a busy day because I've got Geography and Economics homework and I've left both files in my locker so I have to do them tomorrow. Will give me something to do in the morning and during my only break but I am worried that I won't get to eat at all, which is bad especially considering that I've got morning P.E. tomorrow and hence am going to use up some energy and I end pretty late at 4.25p.m. Thankfully there will be no council tomorrow, not that I dislike having council, but at least it frees up some time for me.

Perhaps I will stay up all night. I wonder where my energy is going to come from, especially since I have a headache. Just woke up for dinner just now, was feeling so bad I couldn't sit up but I finally managed to go downstairs, have dinner, talk to Xin Yi, and then come online.

The afternoon was ok because I managed to get from some long-ago owed payment (which means I can get my new wallet, cashcard and library card, and pay all my fines soon) and I couldn't help laughing softly in the library because I was having quite a humorous conversation with Ying Min and Wan Fang via sms (somehow I was treating Ying Min like a princess and speaking to her in Shakespearean English, and treating Wan Fang like my senior officer, speaking to her in certain jargon). I think both of them really enjoyed it, though I felt guilty about being so happy.

Xin Yi called while I was in the library and we almost went out together because she happened to be on the MRT passing Jurong East, but eventually she decided not to. Went home and continued reading, then I played the piano for a while before I lost interest. I didn't smile at my parents. Somehow I didn't want to.

Came online. Read quite a few blogs, which is becoming quite a great achievement for me, even though I'm feeling extremely tired now. Perhaps I'll do a few personality tests (and the people from council reading this will wonder why I'm not volunteering my services in certain areas, but only helping out when absolutely necessary, albeit doing my best) before deciding whether to work the whole night or to sleep. From the article on Sleep in a recent issue of Newsweek, I've learnt that there are sleeping patterns so I shouldn't take a few short breaks and work throughout the night, plus I need the energy tomorrow. But there's work to be done.

I need counselling. Again... Saw a few things on the blogs today that were well-intentioned but just happened to spark of certain portions of my sensitivity. I haven't forgotten, and I will hurt for a while. And while I hurt, I don't think I will lose my happy edge (I don't want to, especially because it might interfere with my work e.g. couldn't smile during choir presentation today like I was supposed to because I'm singing of perfect peace and because smiling is one technique of singing to open up the cavities in your mouth so the sound resonates in your head as if your head is a cathedral) and this might be mistaken for me not caring and provoking certain hurting remarks by other people. I am just so paranoid.

Forgot that my church friends and violin teacher haven't seen me with short hair yet, so I had to answer a lot of questions as to why I cut my hair. For some friends, I told the truth. Yes, I was depressed and so I cut my hair. Does that make sense? But of course, to other people who didn't really need to know (I felt), I just gave the same reason, the 'I was hot' reason. Ha. But seriously, I like my hair a lot, both ways, and I'm thinking of keeping long hair again, so that I can cut it when I next get depressed. -imagines a flood of flying tomatoes racing at her through the air-

To each and everyone of you out there, take care and God bless. I know you all by name, and I'm thinking of each one of you. To lucius and jie, see ya soon. To Mei, well, I'm looking forward to our next meeting. :)

Esther spread her wings and flew on Sunday, July 28, 2002 10:40 p.m.

Chooi Mei, you are such an addict! :) I'm pretty indecisive too (spent a long time just doing my layout and choosing and changing pictures). I hate going to family gatherings too. Guess most of the time I'd rather be left alone. Could be due to my lack of time that I particularly value the time I can spend with myself and don't want to waste time with people I'm not particularly close to. I dislike my relatives too. Was just imagining being on trial in court for the murder of my grandmother (which I was wrongly accused of by the way...I may hate someone but I wouldn't murder). I'm quite out-of-touch with your personality tests and boy you did 51?! What have you been doing with your time?!

Got this off Chooi Mei's blog:

Libra
September 23-October 22
Basic Instincts: Luxurious Libras love the finer things in life. [Reminds me of outings with Xin Yi and Chooi Mei] Comfort is important to these sensitive souls. If hurt, they may take years to recover and sometimes withdraw into a loner phase. [This is so true] Family and old friends are the ones Libras value above everyone. [I've come to realise recently that family and close friends are the ones I value most. I realise that you don't really know a person until you spend a lot of time with her and/or know her for a long time. Note the emphasis on 'her'] When working on a project, they take their time and do it right--even if the rest of the world has given up hope. [Yes. I'm a perfectionist. What to do? Sigh]
Symbol: The Scales [In line with my search for balance?]
Planetary ruler: Venus, planet of beauty and love
Element: Air
Body part: Lower back [Could this be why I have a spinal problem at the lower back?]

Color: Blue, pink [I love Blue!]
Secret wish: To find inner peace [Deliverance from inner turmoil to some extent, yes]
Favorite things: Listening to music, expensive clothes, watching sports [I love Christian and Hebrew music, and I like to watch gymnastics and swimming. Of course I have a like for expensive clothes but most of the time I'm still a bargain-hunter]
Where you'll find them: Covering events for the school paper [I love writing but I don't have much confidence in my writing. If I get the time I would go into journalism though and submit articles for various school publications]

On a good day: loving, fair, sincere [Yes]
On a bad day: vain, manipulative, indecisive [Does being manipulative include yelling at someone out of frustration to force them to get things done? I don't say I'm vain on a bad day, but I'm vain occasionally, yes. Indecisive, perhaps. I tend to think quite a lot before I make certain decisions and when I do I don't appreciate having my plans interrupted]

Hot Hookups: Aries, Aquarius Trouble in Paradise: Capricorn, Leo [Hahaha...now this I don't really believe]

And well, Chooi Mei, you have to be realistic. Can't have a gorgeous young man like Orli coming all the way to Singapore to hook up with you, can we? Anyway, he's too busy sleeping with me every night. HA. -pats-

Esther spread her wings and flew on Sunday, July 28, 2002 09:56 p.m.

Ha...there's no time even to read blogs since I've got to go and practise violin now.

Toes hurting from the court shoes and I've changed into jeans because I so HATE wearing skirts. ARGH. I must find dress pants for Youth Choir presentations because dress pants are allowed but I don't wear dress pants. Was just talking to Hannah today about how she looked so different in a skirt. Why do people wear skirts? Societal norm?

Should have known that I wouldn't be able to fake being not at home by being online here. And anyway my uncle would have stalked my house until I came out. Sigh. Just opened the door for my grandmother to walk in. Nowadays I don't even smile at my uncle because I feel that he's just one other obligation as a relative.

Tiresome. And I feel guilty for shouting at my parents today. Was in a bad mood because after church I wanted to go get the book and not only did it start to rain so heavily, my parents were also asking quite stupid questions because they didn't understand my plan, which I might say, is always a carefully-thought out plan. What, you think I only spent one minute thinking about it?

Head aches. Need to sleep. But need to read book. And later I will read blogs. Part of an unspoken list of things I must accomplish. And people wonder why I'm so busy. -insert expletive-

-laughs at why she censors whatever she says-

Esther spread her wings and flew on Sunday, July 28, 2002 02:42 p.m.

I am quite proud of my efficiency level. I've bought The Remnant and secured sponsorship from my parents for it, as well as read about 60 over pages of it. To think church ended late today at about 12.10p.m. and now I'm at home (about 1h from Kinokuniya, Takashimaya), all the above tasks accomplished, lunch eaten.

Will be reading The Remnant and finishing it today or early tomorrow (i.e. before I leave for school).

Church was ok. I didn't pay much attention to the sermon and didn't really sing well for the presentations (mainly attributed to the fact that I was standing at the edge of the choir and not in the centre as I'm accustomed to so my voice felt really isolated). I couldn't smile too. During the sermon, I was thinking of pain and suffering again, and of De Wen and what happened.

Sunday School was not bad though. We had some singing (which I thought went pretty ok), then a discussion. The topic was Prayer, and I learnt a lot about humility. The playing of the piano at the Adult Sunday School was fraught with quite a few mistakes, plus the congregation didn't follow the piano and sang too slow, but in general it went well.

I wonder where my Bible went. I seriously thought I'd brought my Bible to church but surprisingly I didn't. Thank God Bibles were readily available (at the spot on the pew where I sat and in the LTF room where my group had their discussion). Not much discussion was done, and the lesson was quite speedily brought across due to time constraint, but I managed to make quite a few points which I thought were original. I just hate those standard God-fearing answers. There can be original God-fearing answers too.

Jevon pestered me about not doing my Quiet Time and I was so irritated at him but I managed to hide my feelings (go me!) and just ignore him by moving away, pretending to line up with my soprano friends. Choir was good. The choir has improved immensely over the course of about one year, and I find that my singing has also matured. It comes with practice and experience, and though I admit that there are some people in choir which are obviously much better than me, I'm quite thankful to God for my singing ability. My Sec. 1 soprano friends were quite amazed at me because I was able to sing maturely and reach high notes. I think I sang really well, but I need to learn to sustain my breath for longer periods, otherwise my voice will keep dying off on the last note. Thank God I managed to sing for the presentations and choir also because during this morning's rehearsal, I kind of lost my voice. My voice hasn't fully recovered yet, and I still need to clear my throat at regular intervals to sing.

I was talking throughout choir today and I thought that was bad. But seeing Hannah and talking to her was good, even if I didn't have anything to say. I hope people don't mind talking to me even if I have nothing to say because usually I prefer listening and not talking, and smiling just to show I've been listening. Somehow I don't really have anything to say, unless it's certain people I'm really comfortable with and close to.

I'll perhaps read some blogs now, go practise a bit of violin and wash up before violin lesson. And you bet I'll be reading The Remnant as I wait for the bus, as I travel, and throughout all my free time. I can't put it down! By the way, Kinokuniya's service is really good, and they're really friendly, but I must say I took quite some time just finding the book, though perhaps it's because I'm not really used to the bookstore. The book was on 20% discount! Yippee...though I'm not paying for it anyway. Found out also that Desecration, the previous book in the series is being loaned out at Library @ Orchard. Have to stick to borrowing from the school library though because I lost my National Library card together with my wallet (reported the loss of library card today) and I need to find the money to buy a new library card and pay all + worth of book fines.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Sunday, July 28, 2002 02:41 p.m.

It's hard wearing a skirt when the only skirt you've worn in a long time is your uniform skirt. I hate skirts and I had to try on 3 skirts to find the best of the worse and learn how to wear them. I still haven't figured out how to wear one out of the three yet.

Rummaged through my closet and discovered a lot of clothes I never knew existed. Must change taste. Maybe I should start wearing collared shirts. Saw a few blue (!) ones and I'm wearing a nice mid-blue collared shirt to church today. I wonder if it matches.

I realise there are things I don't know because I've been so cut off from the world. I don't know what shows are on television, I don't know what movies are showing, I don't know what the hot songs on the charts are, I didn't know a1 came to Singapore and I didn't know that The Remnant, the book I've been waiting for, is finally here. But now I know, and I realise it costs .96. (Yes, I checked Left Behind, Popular, Borders and Kinokuniya and I'm going to buy it soon). I nearly forced my parents to go buy it yesterday but because I wasn't in a good mood and feeling sick and tired, I didn't feel like reading it then.

I will read this book as fast as possible. Right now THIS is my priority.

Got to go now. Sing!

The sadness is still there but fading...and I know it was all my fault but am helpless about my emotions this time. Guess some things can't really be controlled huh?

Esther spread her wings and flew on Sunday, July 28, 2002 06:29 a.m.

Well the tears came again for me when we finally OFFICIALLY said our goodbyes.

And it was kind of a relief to just let it out even though my chest is still uncomfortable.

We'll be avoiding each other to get over this (my request).

Well I'm tired and sick and it will be awkward going to the only HUMAN guy I know who loved me unconditionally.

-cries-

Esther spread her wings and flew on Saturday, July 27, 2002 10:12 p.m.

Yes we've broken up. (And to louie: Yes it's official now.)

I will use my immense willpower to get over this. Hopefully both of us will come through this ordeal more relieved.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Saturday, July 27, 2002 10:06 p.m.

Got all these from links found at Chooi Mei's blog.

My Goddess Name Revealed is a ...

Entirely Sensitive Talent who Has Endless Resolve

~ * My Magic Fairy's Name * ~

My fairy is called Moth Silverglitter

She is a protector from evil demons and a poisoner of werewolves

She lives close to crystal caverns and stalagtite grottos

She is only seen in the light of a shooting star

The Friday Five July 27, 2002

1. How long have you had a weblog?
Since February 2nd this year.

2. What was your first post about?
Basically an introduction to myself and my blog (why I started it and the name of the blog). Check out the archives.

3. How many changes (name, location, etc.) of your weblog have there been, if more than one?
I did change the name from Psychotic Perspectives to Perfect Peace when I became a lot closer to God but I changed it back to Psychotic Perspectives. My location never changed.

4. What CMS (content management system) do you use? Do you like it or do you want to try something else?
Didn't really understand this but I guess I've been using Pitas. Used to use LiveJournal (but I don't count what I did those days as blogging). I like Pitas because it allows HTML editing and quite a lot of freedom in arranging your page. Love the fact that I can change my layout, and the reliability and fast-loading of Pitas too.

5. Do you read people who have both a journal and a weblog? Or do you prefer to read people who have all of their writing in one central place?
Don't see the point in having two areas. Prefer one central place so I don't need to waste time loading pages. Now you get why I have a lot of browser windows open at any instant.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Saturday, July 27, 2002 09:52 p.m.

I thought today's council work session was satisfactory. For one thing I did have a positive attitude and I did take the initiative to try new things like I told myself I would. I did work hard and I did enjoy myself. Besides that I made the effort to be nice and realised that people are nice.

Then I came home.

And now I find myself with anger restricting my chest (a physical symptom when I'm significantly upset) and tears threatening to spill out but which have been stopped. I feel like uttering obscenities but deep down inside I know that I actually LOVE these people and I don't want anything bad to happen to them because I cursed.

I wonder what is it that make guys exist on this planet. I wonder why is it that the people who hurt me the most are ALWAYS guys and why is it that I took guys off my 'hates' list. But I admit that people like Yexiang, Kelvin and Wei Liang, whom I saw most of the time, are nice people. And I come to a hypothesis that guys (to girls) are best kept as friends or good friends but never anything more than that.

I'm not directing this to De Wen. And louie, I don't know what you meant by that comment but it only made things a lot worse and in my -insert expletive- shouting-at-people mood at the moment I do NOT appreciate it and I'm irritated. Plus I don't care about your opinion.

Why do people always generalise? Maybe I'm guilty of this too but I'm just fed up with most of the things said/done by my family tonight. (Frankly after a busy day at council from 8 to 6 and being plagued with a bad headache at certain intervals in the day as usual - I am not ruling out the possibility of a brain tumour but doing nothing about it at the moment since no one cares if I take a hammer and smash my wrist do they? I was just thinking of doing that today - I really want to go to sleep now) First my dad asked me to practise this song he's going to sing tomorrow. Then I said fine, just give me the notes and I will play. And he did. And I played. And frankly, I'm good in piano and I KNOW IT. You don't get this kind of quality ANYWHERE. You don't get someone who will just sit down at a moment's notice despite a splitting headache and practise a song five times straight without stopping and getting better and better each time. I can sight-read. And with only five times of practice I can do well. And YET my father says that I have so many mistakes and I am off-tune. -insert expletive- I'm serious when I say you can't find someone who can play the piano like me. And someone who practises the piano every single day because I TRAIN. And someone who has the qualifications and the experience (if you play long enough trust me you can tell the difference from your own playing and from someone who's not so experienced). And you don't sight-read and play with a speed as fast as mine if you haven't been playing the piano for years.

I just hate it when people underestimate or insult my playing. If you don't know any better don't make this kind of comments. And if you don't know any better how well do you know me anyway? What kind of father are you if you don't even know I'm a runner? You don't know I can run? You don't know which events I ALWAYS participate in on Sports' Day? I always participate in exactly the same events year after year. I bet you don't know that I TRAIN in running too.

I guess that's why people sometimes get irritated with performers when they perform too much (sing/play) because the performers don't know when they are not good while the audience doesn't like the music. Frankly I side the performer. The audience DOESN'T KNOW a thing because they don't specialise in the area of study the performer is specialising in. That's why I'm surprised when I don't play well and people say I do and when I play well and people say I don't.

GUYS NEVER GET THE HINT do they? I was upset when my dad said that and I didn't act my usual self. Kept quiet and FORCED myself to eat. Yes instead of abusing others I abuse myself. So what did I do? We went to Long Beach Seafood Restaurant and I drank 2 bowls of Shark's Fin Soup and ate 5 bowls of Fried Rice in addition to a lot of other food (crab, chicken, whatever). I forced myself to drink more and more tea and eat as much food as I could eat. Then I forced myself to not feel full. And I forced myself to eat the dessert and started on a second helping too. I didn't finish the second helping though because the dessert was too awful (what kind of dessert is kachang in water?).

HAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm stupid aren't I? And when my father went out he said I was silly for sitting outside the church when I'm late because I'm scared of being late. Well you completely missed the point. I am NOT scared of being late and I sit outside the church because I'm depressed and sometimes when I'm depressed I HATE THE CHURCH. And then we went out to the carpark to go back to the car (if you were wondering why I was gobbling up my dinner and eating more and more food it was because I wanted to get back as fast as possible and keep busy). By the way I realise I've to be in church at 7.15a.m. tomorrow for choir rehearsal because we're presenting an item (now with my anger I wonder how I'm going to sing for the Lord). That's why I'm here online now rushing through every single thing (I checked both my mail accounts in about 2 minutes) and going offline before 10p.m. so that I can sleep. Then my mother asks me why I still intend to go online when I've got to do other things such as practise the piano (for tomorrow's Sunday School when my dad is going to sing).

And I hit back with a remark. Do you honestly think that when I'm talking about things I'm talking in the singular form? Why does everyone seem to think so? Do you think I'm upset because of ONE problem? Do you think I'm angry with the world because of ONE person? Do you think when I say I'm going home to do some work I'm not referring to FIVE pieces of work? I'm a busy person with no time to waste.

So there goes another person irritating me. And when I reach home and practise the piano (I rush to the dining room where my piano is, lift the piano cover with one hand like I'm used to, use the other hand to clear the piano chair so I can sit on it, and dive into my piece), I practise the song without stopping, again and again, and finally my dad asks me why I'm still making so many mistakes. And I finally blow up because the reason I'm making so many mistakes (in his opinion I believe) is that I am trying to PERFECT the song. Trust me, I can play the whole song without anyone THINKING I am making mistakes but I'm purposely stopping to correct each mistake because I want the song to be FLAWLESS. And you don't get it.

So when you provoke me like that, I yell at you. And when I do you know that you have done something SERIOUSLY wrong because I totally break you up. So what I did was yell what I said in my earlier paragraphs about you not getting such a pianist as me (I'm not being proud here if anyone thinks I'm being so. I'm just saying that from EXPERIENCE believe me) and then everyone else got scared because I just exploded and I continued playing over and over again, pushing myself to the limit despite being tired and sick (I bet you didn't know that did you? I told you but you didn't see. You just heard, but you didn't listen. And no one ever does do they?) while everyone else fled to a safe distance away (i.e. the fourth floor...I was at the basement in case anyone was wondering).

And I had to argue with my brother over the use of the Internet because I planned to sleep before 10 (that's why I'm rushing everything now and grateful that I can type so fast) because my brother apparently didn't hear previously that I was intending to use the Internet (People don't listen, do they? Or they don't take me seriously). And he was being difficult. He's sleeping in tomorrow while I'm waking up at unearthly hours and he wants me to wait until 9.45p.m. to use the Internet? Plus I already told him I'd only use one hour today (and hence my rushing again). And he refused to give in until...of course he provoked me too much and I had to yell and FORCE him off the Internet and then I was yelled at out of his room so I slammed the door and went back to my room and slammed MY door.

And then the tears came for the third time today. And I realise that boy...tears come so naturally for me do they?

-laughs bitterly-

Esther spread her wings and flew on Saturday, July 27, 2002 09:08 p.m.

'It's something very different, nothing to do with caves, that I wanted to talk over with you.' She gazed at the colourless grass. 'I've finally decided we are not going to be married, my dear boy.'

The news hurt Ronny very much. He had heard Aziz announce that she would not return to the country, but had paid no attention to the remark, for he never dreamt that an India could be a channel of communication between two English people. He controlled himself and said gently, 'You never said we should marry, my dear girl; you never bound either yourself or me - don't let this upset you.'

She felt ashamed. How decent he was! He might force his opinions down her throat, but did not press her to an 'engagement', beause he believed, like herself, in the sanctity of personal relationships... Her ordeal was over, but she felt it should have been more painful and longer. Adela will not marry Ronny. It seemed slipping away like a dream.

From A Passage to India by E.M. Forster.

If he meant nothing to me then what am I doing waiting for him last night just to talk to him? Why was I so upset when he finally smsed to say he wouldn't come online? Why did I have nothing better to do than to sleep before 10p.m. just because of that? Why did I feel uplifted slightly when he sent two smses (one of them informed me that the new book in Left Behind is out by the way). At least even if he doesn't know certain things (like how he is completely clueless about how I'm feeling at this point in time or purposely ignoring it and treating me well, he does know things about me, things that I've shared.

I did pray a brief prayer to God about this last night but only after I'd made my decision. And now I'm so confused. Is God trying to tell me something? It was all my attitude, MY attitude. I never questioned that he loved me. It was only whether I loved him, and if that love could be cultivated. I'm a selfish person, and I can't let relationships run my life or ruin it. I vowed to be a nun once. Why did I ever enter a relationship? Why did I ever want to try again?

Sigh. Somehow I want to be 'awfully British over it'.

MUST do OHCO work by today! My personal target and I don't want anyone else to bug me for the work too. Yes everyone is nice but somehow I don't trust council, because of what they said to me on quite a few occasions. It's not their fault (as usual it's never other people's fault). It's merely my own because I know they didn't mean what they said. A lot of them forgot about what they said/did to me and treated me like a normal person. But I never forget. And I don't distrust council because they are mean. I distrust council because I'm with them a lot of time and I don't want things they say to hurt me.

Last night I thought of death. I imagined myself dead. I even willed my body to go limp and played the whole drama in my mind as well as acted it out. It was scary in the dark. I dreamt of spirits roaming and what people would say if they saw me in that comatose state. The worse thing was that De Wen didn't care. Somehow he didn't. I guess he did because he was there but there was a strange distance and awkwardness about it. My GP tutor was crying and holding my hand. Guess it's because I trust her so much that I imagine her that way (imagines my classmates puking and sympathises with them).

Why would I think about someone I don't love? Why would I love someone then and not love him now? Why can I be happy around everyone else except him?

Perhaps God didn't let him go online last night because he wanted me to rethink everything. I seriously think a talk needs to be conducted. Meanwhile I must stop being so distracted and stop not paying attention in class and writing breakup poems all the time.

Sometimes I just wish everything would end. I've been thinking of pain and suffering a lot lately. Felt like suicide last night and then I remembered agreeing to call my GP tutor (as she asked) if I felt suicidal. Thing is if you feel suicidal you won't want someone to dissuade you. Or do I just want a reassurance that someone cares? I feel so isolated from the class and from people in general. And I get the strange impression someone out there reading this is laughing away. Somehow when I'm trying to say something serious a lot of people don't believe I'm saying something serious.

-thinks of Xin Yi because I KNOW for sure that she's one person who cares and will be there for me-

And you know the difference between De Wen and my brother? It's that I love my brother unconditionally. Whatever he does I can say I love him. I accept him for who he is. And whenever I go out I think of him. I think of buying something back for him. And I really appreciate it when he bothers (like the day before) to kick the ball significantly lighter (at my request) and stopped his ball game (with himself) to teach me how to kick a soccer ball, going through the technique with me and letting me practise for a while. He means SO MUCH to me. And I can safely say that I love him so much.

But as Xin Yi says, 'Why am I comparing?' But I guess I will stick with my original decision. There are unspoken reasons too and however ridiculous they may sound they are my reasons and there is no point changing my psychotic perspectives to believe otherwise. Or is there a point? Maybe I'd just free myself from all this torment if I'd get over and done with it. But did I ever consider how much I'd hurt him? Somehow I think he doesn't believe that I have any feelings, that I don't care at all.

Am I making excuses here? DARN. -kills self-

Esther spread her wings and flew on Saturday, July 27, 2002 06:20 a.m.

Was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to finish what I'd intended to accomplish but at least the new layout is up and looking good (in my opinion) now! Thank God.

The Internet was a little cranky today though and I had to shut off a few windows quite a number of times. Tripod also gave quite a little bit of trouble.

I hope Bingz doesn't mind that I have the same coloured-background as she does. If you do mind please let me know and I'll change it.

De Wen hasn't come online so I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet. I'm feeling grief and hurt but I know what I have decided and for now I'm sticking with what I've decided.

Met Evelyn online and found out she became a Christian about 3 months ago! Praise the Lord. -hugs- Welcome to the family.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Friday, July 26, 2002 08:45 p.m.

Was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to finish what I'd intended to accomplish but at least the new layout is up and looking good (in my opinion) now! Thank God.

The Internet was a little cranky today though and I had to shut off a few windows quite a number of times. Tripod also gave quite a little bit of trouble.

I hope Bingz doesn't mind that I have the same coloured-background as she does. If you do mind please let me know and I'll change it.

De Wen hasn't come online so I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet. I'm feeling grief and hurt but I know what I have decided and for now I'm sticking with what I've decided.

Met Evelyn online and found out she became a Christian about 3 months ago! Praise the Lord. -hugs- Welcome to the family.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Friday, July 26, 2002 08:45 p.m.

By hook or by crook I'm going to finish my new layout and upload it by today.

Had a marvellous time with Xin Yi today. Shared a lot of closeness. Had a great time with Wan Fang too. These two people are irreplacable.

Been thinking a lot about my relationship with De Wen and come to a conclusion. A breakup is inevitable. I'm going to initiate it when he comes online (don't want to do it via sms and don't want to do it face to face simply because I feel that sms is too insensitive and I won't be able to convey what I'm trying to say entirely face to face) and see what he has to say.

There are many reasons for this breakup.

(a) My heart isn't there anymore. I don't deny that there was real love. There was but somehow things have changed. I no longer feel the same way for him.

(b) I need time and I'm unable to afford the time and commitment that comes with having a relationship. I thought that meeting him every day was good enough but I realise that it wasn't. He always asked me out and somehow I was either too busy or occupied with something else. Anyhow while my outings with Xin Yi though sometimes seemed tiresome at the beginning I was always refreshed at the end of them and drew much closer to Xin Yi. Conversely my outings with De Wen seemed to end with me cutting everything short because of lack of time and he was unable to provide much of the refreshment and encouragement I needed (not his fault though).

(c)In addition I felt restricted. I didn't like being forced to meet him every morning, him staring at me as I walked over. I didn't like the way he gazed at me with curiosity and seemed to scrutinise me when I didn't want to share my feelings. I didn't like the way he kept smsing me to ask me out or to ask about my day and when I had to answer to him for every single thing I did. I didn't like his interfering with my life and I felt unable to love freely due to societal restrictions (i.e. people talking and keeping away from a couple) as well as personal restrictions (I didn't allow him to touch me and I hated the way which he would poke me and touch my bag).

(d) I couldn't talk to him. He would hurt me unwittingly just because we were on different wavelengths. He would totally miss what I was getting at and seemed to brush me off or give me advice that I didn't want. I couldn't confide in him like he wanted me to.

(e) I don't want to hurt the two of us anymore. I don't want to be bothered or distracted by something which will never work. We can be platonic friends. I'm not going to hate him because nothing was his fault. If it was someone's fault it was mine. I was psychotic. And during my depression I could only find a select group of people to talk to of which he was not included. I did tell him things but I never really got the comfort I needed. He also recently shared that he's hurt by the way I've shut him out of my life. I've tried but I realise it's over.

The breakup is not official and these are only a few of the reasons mentioned. I've talked it out with Xin Yi and Wan Fang already and as well as with myself. Brooded about it for a very long time and I know that it isn't and will never work. I'm waiting to see what he will say about this. Hopefully the awkwardness will cease and that I'm not being idealistic when I say that people can break up and still be platonic friends. One thing I'm sure of is my feelings. What's left is up to him to develop it. I'm not going to talk about this further with other people really because I don't see a point since I've made a decision. What I will do is to give an honest stand on this because I know quite clearly my decision and how I came to make this decision.

Goodbye De Wen. May things go better for both of us. I look forward to our final talk as people in a relationship.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Friday, July 26, 2002 05:29 p.m.

Found a few images I'd like to use and have a rough idea of the theme and layout.

Chatted a little to Mei and Bingz. :)

Much love to Chrissie and Jillz.

The name of my blog will still be 'Psychotic Perspectives' but the header words will be Perfect Peace...kinda like what Alanna jie is doing.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Thursday, July 25, 2002 10:08 p.m.

Am feeling quite relaxed now so here's a quick update from me. I'm going to be working on my new layout (can't wait to put it up!) so I'll probably be around until past midnight (with breaks in between) so that I'll be able to get my layout up as soon as possible.

On Relationships/Friendships

Things are working all right for me and I thank God and my friends for that. I've been feeling a lot of closeness and warmth from my classmates, council mates, friends and family. From class, I've been spending the most time with Wan Fang (currently my best friend in class), and Serene, and out of all my classmates I am extremely encouraged and grateful for lucius. From council, I feel comfortable with Yexiang, Ailin, Victoria and Aishu especially. For friends, Xin Yi is still my best friend and our weekly meetings do cheer me up a lot (am meeting her tomorrow again after a meeting today). In addition, I would like to thank jie, Chooi Mei and Bingz and other members of the blogging community for their support and for bearing with me. I've been getting closer to my family as well, being more comfortable sharing things with my parents (especially my mother) and spending time with my brother. I still maintain my stand that my brother is the person I love the most (second to God) and nothing that he can ever do will change the fact that I loved him, love him, and will always love him. Had a great time after school playing soccer with him...kinda like the good old days when we used to be childhood playmates and best friends.

I've been having a few problems with De Wen lately, and I admit it is mainly my fault. Have been thinking about our relationship lately and I will talk to him about it later. There's currently a lack of communication, mainly because I feel that he's unable to empathise and understand me, and keeps saying the wrong things and hurting me with every word (ref. 'she speaks poniards, and every word stabs'). I love him and hate him at the same time for that. Yet, with time alone to think things out I'm now ready to share again. It is my fault for not telling him why I'm often pissed off at him and expecting him to know and I'm trying to make this work.

As for jie, I haven't been writing to her and I still owe her the letter book. Will be giving it to her asap (hopefully writing an updated entry before that). Might be starting a weekly correspondence on postcards with Xin Yi too (reminds me of jie and Pei Lin, her best friend). Xin Yi's picked up quite a few interests (mainly due to my influence) and she's now into getting bargains and collecting postcards too so there will be more common avenues for the two of us even though there were already a lot of things we could and can share.

I will be trying to 'be good to myself' as my GP tutor says. Been getting a lot closer to her because she's one person I feel can understand (even though I do understand and empathise with a number of my classmates who dislike her). She comforts me a lot and shares a lot with me and every time I talk to her I feel a lot better. I realise a trend is coming back (formerly seen in Geography class in Nanyang) where my like for a teacher resulted in me liking the subject and the lesson and leading to my incessant stifled laughter in class. I've been doing quite well in GP lately and after talking to my mother about it I realise I need to control my laughter (so as not to appear proud when I'm not) and also to act NORMAL. Anyway, as part of being good to myself and fulfilling friendship obligations (which really isn't as bad as it sounds) I'm keeping up with blogging.

On School Work

I'm quite satisfied with my recent block test results. Am not going to compare with others because I want to honestly evaluate my own performance. Maths C: F (hopefully an O after moderation), Economics: B, Geography: E, English Literature: C, GP: A2, Chinese: B4. Quite a general improvement from the previous block tests and I feel a lot more confident about my subjects now. I am still trying to sort my life out. Currently I'm on my way to filing my stuff (and getting a replacement for my lost English Literature file) so that I can start keeping up with my work, if not preparing for the Promotional Examinations. One thing I'm glad about is that technically speaking the 'S' paper selection process is based on the Promotional Examination results so I still have hope to do an 'S' paper. On the other hand, not doing 'S' papers will free up my time to concentrate on my core subjects too so I'm not too pressured about my results, though I can't wait for my homework and other 'necessary' things to be cleared before I start reading my new Geography textbooks. Mmm...Geography.

I hope people reading this won't jeer or feel bad. I didn't feel too good about sharing at first because (a) I didn't think people would appreciate what I'm going through, (b) I felt insecure about people reading and laughing or scorning me for certain comments I make which are quite heartfelt, and (c) I realise that blogging does affect people reading it, and I don't want to unintentionally hurt people.

On Life

Ok with myself. Comfortable, reflective and trying to be happy. During our council general meeting on Tuesday, we had an exercise where we wrote certain goals and actions we wanted to achieve. I remember writing that I wanted to try new things. I've been trying to be happy, to smile, to try to eat (even if I'm not hungry...yes, I'm still anorexic in mind), and to reflect on my actions to discipline and check myself. I've been trying to work hard.

I get tired, especially because council is getting more busy but with a positive attitude I'm trying to enjoy council. I've got a few close friends, and I'm trying to rid myself of the underlying tinge of sadness within me during council sessions. I realise it's not so much the situation you are put into but your attitude, and through a talk with a council mate, Xing Yi, I really learnt a lot about having a positive attitude and enduring even when you feel the going's tough.

I'm hiding my feelings, sharing it with only those that are closest to me. That doesn't mean I'm hypocritical. It only means that I'm dealing with situations in a way I deem best. After giving people the benefit of the doubt and encouraging myself, I've learnt to forgive and to treat people civilly. I'm trying day by day and I hope that things will continue to look up for me.

On a heavier note (is there such a phrase?), I've lost my wallet, school blouse, council badge (which was on the blouse) and P.E. shirt, all in two days. Been dreaming a lot and not paying full attention (though managing to grasp lesson concepts) in lectures. Hope to snap out of this daze and get my life in proper working order again. Tomorrow there will be a half day because HC won the A division Girls and Boys track championships (something it has never done in all of its 28 years) and I'm using it to pack my files (get my worksheets and locker organised, and have a lighter bag, as well as get my revision starting) and catch up on all my owed Chinese homework. Will meet Xin Yi for lunch too.

So I guess that's all from me for now. Will be getting updated on your lives (haven't been reading many blogs, thinks I stopped somewhere at Christine) and should do some personality tests too. Thank you for caring, and be happy! :) -hugs-

Love,
Esther

Esther spread her wings and flew on Thursday, July 25, 2002 07:49 p.m.

More social blogging:

Take care lucius. :) -hugs- All the best for the football match next week!

Yes Jillz...I end up in a debate like that too most of the time. I'm keeping a diary too (when I get the time). There's a reason why I stopped blogging and don't share my problems anymore. I have a different way of typing so don't feel bad about your way. I wish I could go to school for study too. Take care dear and remember you're not alone. -hugs-

Love your BLUE desktop Christine. Looks really peaceful. Haven't read your blog yet though sorry. :(

Really quite exhausted. Came back from cheering today. Pretty good cheering session but I'm quite tired and my head isn't too good. Will sleep now and wake up at the usual 5 (hopefully) to do my Maths tutorial and other related homework. I was hurt today by a lot of people but as usual I will give everyone else the benefit of the doubt and keep everything to myself. -remembers roles as counsellor and councillor-

Esther spread her wings and flew on Wednesday, July 24, 2002 10:56 p.m.

Some social blogging here.

To Bingz: Your GP lecture sounds great. Wish we had those. Know some people might violently object to this but I really love CT sessions especially when I can take down notes on stress management. I enjoyed the last one on Islam even if I slept through a bit of it. How did they get the harpsichord? Oh and it's 'quartet'. :) I wish I could listen to music on my computer but my sound system isn't working. The Time articles were really informative. At least you studied for your Physics test. Project Work is meant to be done in a group. You should get your group to do some work. I don't believe in MCs from school nowadays because I'm enjoying school and I greatly feel the importance of lessons.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Wednesday, July 24, 2002 10:29 p.m.

Taken from Chooi Mei's website. Relates to me a lot.

Libra the Scales (September 24th - October 23rd)

How to recognise Libra

Librans hate to be rude, yet they'll straighten the crooked picture on your wall and snap off your blaring TV set. Librans love people, but they hate large crowds. Like gentle doves of peace, they go around mediating and patching up quarrels between others; still they enjoy a good argument themselves. They're good-natured and pleasant, but they can be aslo sulky, and they blak at taking orders. Librans are extremely intelligent. At the same time, they're incredibly naive and gullible. Librans are restless people. But they seldom rush or hurry.

Libran features are almost always even and well balanced. They're pleasing, but not very noticable, so it's easier to start with the dimples. ...... It (the Libran face) will always wear a markedly pleasant expression. Even when the Libran is angry, somehow he or she will manage to look mild, or at the very least, neutral. ...... The mouth is usually bow-shpaed, and the lips would have been described in Gibson girl days as 'lips like cherry wine'. In fact, the typical Libra face reminds you of nothing so much as a box of bonbons. Or a sugar biscuit. Some of them look like human lollipops, or a caramel sundae topped with rich, whipped cream. They like to eat those things, too, and if any Librans are reading this, they're probably weak with hunger by now.

The women are almost invariably pretty, and the men are usually handsome. ...... You'll never meet a Libran who doesn't have a smile like a soft, white cloud. That Venus smile could melt a chocolate bar at twenty paces. ...... a bright, liting laugh, that rings with merriment.

They seek harmony. Yet, lots of Librans indulge in excessive eating, drinking or love-making, completely upsetting the cookie cart,not to mention throwing harmony out of kilter.

For days, weeks or months on end, Librans can be too busy to play. They'll burn gallons of midnight oil, then rise and shine in time to hear the rooster crow. ...... Once they've plopped, you won't catch them moving a muscle if they can help it.

They can weep with overflowing senmtiment, turn sharply sarcastic, then be as bright and cheerful as the robin in spring. ...... An instinct for sanity keeps most Librans mentally healthy and physically fit. ...... The biggest threat to their health is overindulgence of some kind.

Nothing is more painful to watch than a doubtful Libran trying to make up his mind why, wherefore, and whether to. He doesn't like to huried or pushed while he's deciding either. ...... Impatience is one quality most Librans can't stand [true!]

Very few Librans are markedly eccentric or show-offs. ...... Most Librans have a fantastic ability to concentrate and to ponder deep subjects. They are born wiht an affection for books ...... You're almost sure to find an extensive library in every Libran home.

They love the harmony of sounds, colours, poetry, and the proper use of words, both written and spoken.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Wednesday, July 24, 2002 10:15 a.m.

I realise that the 26th of the month is coming. Layout Day. Unfortunately I regret to say I'm going away.

My depression has gotten so far that quite a few people are getting worried about me. The worse thing is I'm retreating into myself. I don't want to share anything about myself and I'm convinced that even if I do no one listens anyway.

I want to thank lucius for saying what you did yesterday. It was really unexpected but very heartwarming the way you asked if was ok. Chooi Mei too. I appreciate it a lot.

The breakdown was scary. Perhaps the rain was just preparing my heart for a storm. And now what's left is a tingling feeling of sadness.

I've changed. And what I really want most is to be alone.

Thank you all for supporting me during my difficult times and for reading my blog and commenting as much as you can.

I will not come back here again. I will not read your blogs (I am sorry but there are problems I need to solve). I will not come online anymore. Goodbye Psychotic Perspectives. Goodbye Perfect Peace.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Sunday, July 21, 2002 06:02 p.m.

I've been in an anorexic club for a long time only that I've kept silent most of the time. Here's another reply to my one post in the club.

From: dianeyates
To: anorexia@yahoogroups.com
Subject: [anorexia]Re: Hello

Yes, you are going to go insane. That's too much to deal with. I know it's hard, but why don't you make a list of all your activities and duties going on right now. Then put them in order of importance, then cross off the ones at the bottom of the list or the ones that are taking up too much of your time, as hard as it may be, and those are the activities that you need to drop.

Depression can be caused by isolation, so any chance you get, make yourself get out and do things with people and have fun. That can work better for depression, than even medicine.

Also, I used to live in Singapore for a couple years. It is a beautiful country and I loved it. My little sister went to Singapore American School. We lived in Tanglin Park, just off Tanglin Road.

I so much want to sing in the church choir musical. And I've dropped so much there's nothing else left to drop. :(

PS: Realised I was frowning without meaning to. Sigh. Stopped crying. Eyes sore and tired. Feel like sleeping.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Saturday, July 20, 2002 01:47 a.m.

From: yidixue (me)
To: anorexia@yahoogroups.com
[subject]Hello

I guess this may seem a little out-of-place. I've been studying Anorexia as part of a compulsory Project Work assignment which all junior college students in Singapore have to do. Through listening to your stories I've learnt a great deal and the information on the Internet has proved to be helpful.

It seems that anorexia and depression come together. I feel that the reason I feel so attached to this group is although I'm not exactly medically affected I am depressed. I've gone for counselling quite a number of times based on depression and I'm still struggling to be happy.

I've got a personal eating disorder though it hasn't turned serious. I don't eat because I don't feel a need to. I have immensely strong willpower in the wrong places and can control hunger. Perhaps it is because I'm a workaholic. I don't have the time to eat and I'm too busy working that I cut down on eating and sleeping and go into depression because I deprive myself of even normal human leisure activities such as outings and movies.

In many people's opinion I might have no problems. I'm a student councillor in a top junior college in Singapore and I work hard. Teachers are quite ok with me and I may be described as a model student because I obey all the rules and don't give trouble. But I guess people don't see that I can never finish the work I set out to do and I'm always busy in school because I'm so busy with council work that I have no time at home to do my work.

I've given up so much. I used to be in a number of councils and organisations which I quit so I could even maintain a basic existence in the students' council. It hurts when I can't pursue certain passions. My stress level is high and showing and I am sick all the time. I wear a coat for the bulk of the day even when it is hot because I feel cold or even when I feel hot I make myself feel all right.

Things are taking a downturn. I'm working non-stop and my life is spinning out of control even though I'm working to control it. I'm tired and frustrated and unable to control anything because I have absolutely no time to do anything and just too much work to do. Due to the nature of courses that I take I am a lot more stressed than my fellow councillors and I am refusing to drop subjects.

I wish someone would help. I fear I may go insane soon. I don't talk much in school and retreat into myself...a vast difference from my original happy self. I cry to myself at home and talk to myself at home. I mutter obscenities freely now because I'm too frustrated. And it doesn't help that I continue to feel sicker by the day.

I starve myself and binge. And I'm in a complete wreck.

Help me.

From: Sandra Walker
To: anorexia@yahoogroups.com
Re: [subject]Hello

Yidixue,
I understand how you are feeling. I, too, have been an overworked "model" student, and it really began to take a tailspin in December. I was working so hard at studies, eating so little, staying awake so many hours, I didn't take much notice of my body or my health. I lost 40 pounds without knowing it, pushign my wieght below 100 pounds. My fiance was terrrified, and my friends had no idea how to approach me about it.

I had been so head-strong "I am in control of it! I am healthy! I am just fine!" I began to believe that I had found the secret formula for getting work done, for being "the best". I was a frigid little thing, with no clothes that fit, and no social skills left to boot. My health was really taking a turn for the worse, and that's when my doctor diagnosed me with anorexia nervosa. I was so pissed, I came home and tore up the diagnosis. Oddly enough, my mother supported me in my denial of the problem. It was a few months before I began to gain weight again, but I did it through peanut butter sandwiches and dried fruit. A LOT of peanut butter sandwiches. I did other things too, like take a bag of trail mix to the movies, and eat snacks while I watched TV. I know you have a lot going on with the student council, but there is SO MUCH MORE to life than success at school. I realized my need to make changes because of the hair loss and heart palpitations I began to experience. You may want to try Yoga, meditation, or even computer games. It feels so wild to sit and do nothing, but its just the kind of break I think you need.

A lot of your depression is related to your malnutrition and overworked lifestyle. Maybe you could try eating meals with friends, or letting someone know that you are having some troubles. It may sound corny, but your life needs to be in a balance in order to stay in relative control, and it is your responsibility to keep that up. I know you think this student council is important, but right now your health, welfare and well-being mean more to me than any award you could receive and tell me about. I don't care who's standards it is - you are a beautiful child of God, and I want you to stay healthy enough to talk to me some more, ok?

Sorry if I sound a little bossy, I am just very concerned, and I want you to know you are very important to me.

peace,
sandy

Esther spread her wings and flew on Saturday, July 20, 2002 01:32 a.m.

I purposely didn't blog. I didn't want to and I didn't have the time to.

I'm screwed. My life is screwed. I have no time to do anything. And I'm multi-tasking during lectures and rushing my work during tutorials and doing everything quickly. I'm not even eating during breaks. I'm just working and working. And I can't finish my work. And it hurts when my teachers give more work or they check my work and see that it's undone but they don't say a word to me.

It hurts so much now I'm crying as if my heart will burst. I've not cried like this for a long time. It's heart splitting and my eyes are swollen and wet from constant crying. It will be like this for a long time before I stop tonight and start work. I won't sleep tonight. I don't have time to.

I'm even thinking of dropping subjects.

My heart aches so bad. And I wish the pain would stop. I can't breathe from the crying.

Someone help. Please help. I need a hug badly but there's no one here and I'm in my room crying alone.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Saturday, July 20, 2002 12:50 a.m.

Why do I get hurt so easily? God...help me. Help me see love. For love is hidden within me and it is only sometimes when I can see it and discover its depth and meaning and feel it burn for someone else.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Monday, July 15, 2002 10:17 p.m.

To all my friends:

I always thought it was something in me that drew people to me. My frankness, my honesty, my cute looks, my compassionate nature and my willingness to help. I always thought I never really needed friends, that I had so many friends if a friendship was ever broken it would be more of a loss to the other person than it would be to me. I always felt I was destined to be a counsellor, to give and never get anything in return.

But now I realise I'm the most blessed of people. Everywhere I go, there will always be someone who's outcast, someone who's shunned, even if that someone has certain talents and gifts. I may be similar or even inferior but somehow I've been sheltered. I haven't been really treated badly. I just drifted along with everyone else, and was accepted by both the popular and unpopular.

But the most blessed thing of all is that I've been loved. While I was yet a sinner, God sent His Son to die for me on the cross. I didn't do anything, but Jesus gave Himself for me and loved me with an unselfish love. And while I was struggling in sin and depression, He was always there, never giving up on me and slowly drawing me to Himself, even if I had given up on Him. That love is great enough to last me forever. A pure, unselfish love, not demanding anything and not depending on what I do or what I am.

Yet I am blessed more. I have friends who love not because I love. Friends who hurt because of me, friends who are depressed with their own problems, but yet friends who take the time and energy to love me. And here I want to take this opportunity to tell each and every one of you that I love you and I remember every single small act of love that you showed to me. You mean so much to me and I appreciate you.

To De Wen

I know I haven't been as good as I ought to be. I'm getting better, and putting more effort into making this work. But I still feel sorry for what I did at the beginning, for unreasonably taking out my frustrations on you, for ignoring you, for being unwilling to trust and give. And I haven't said this to you directly, but I appreciate the way you are always there for me, when you silently endure my frustrations, when you continue to love me and pray for me, when you watch me cry, yet being unable to do anything because I can't be comforted. I appreciate the letters of love and comfort you always surprise me with in my locker, the presents, the things you confide in me, and the fact that after holding back my tears after a sad day I can just cry openly in front of you and pour out my frustrations on anything. I appreciate it when you can stand the sarcasm I use on people I'm really comfortable with, I appreciate the times when you show me I am special, that I make a difference, and when you wait for hours just to be with me. I appreciate it when you calm me down when I am worked up, when you apologise even when I am joking with you. I love you so much.

To Mei

I appreciate it when you comfort me when I'm upset, when you bother to read my blog and post messages in my chatterbox, when you share your experiences with me. I appreciate it when you bother to reconcile after a tiff, when you laugh and joke, when you offer to help me when I'm busy, when you readily help me when I ask for it. I appreciate it when you go out with me for a movie, and walk miles with me just to talk. I appreciate our times in NeoPets and AAA council. It's been a great pleasure knowing you, and you are a friend I would never want to lose.

To Alanna jie

I appreciate it when you read my blog and post that you care, when you send a personal message to me in your blog, when you send huggles and love. I appreciate the e-mails that have passed between us, the letters, the gift you sent me on Investiture Day. I appreciate the time when you were so tired during Production and yet you bothered to ask about me, when you make time to talk to me, when you apologise for not being there for me even though I know you will always be there for me. I appreciate your voice, your singing of "Celebrity Skin", your gothic costume, your calling me "Mei Mei", you confiding in me, you playing with my hair. I've learnt so much from you. I love you so much and am so grateful to have a jie like you.

To Jillz

I appreciate it when you trust me enough to share your private things with me, when you confide in me. I appreciate it when you show me I'm appreciated, when you make the effort to send me a long e-mail to encourage me even though you're experiencing problems yourself. I appreciate it when you talk to me. You're one of the sweetest girls I know and I love you.

To Christine

I appreciate it when you talk to me, when you think of me, when you share your problems with me. I appreciate it when you take the time to show me your teacher and friends in the photo. I appreciate it when you ask me for my opinions on your layout, when you put in your best effort in the guild so that working with you was a pleasure. I appreciate the friendship we share and I treasure you.

To Ailin

I appreciate the smiles that you give me. Working with you in PubCo and MAF publicity was enjoyable and you left a deep impression on me with your jovial attitude, your willingness to help, the effort you put in, the encouragement you gave me. I appreciate it when you work on something else and leave something as new to me as the MAF boards to do so I can learn and develop. I appreciate the way you let me work with you, when you asked me for my opinions on art, when you were not hesitant to help me along. I appreciate it when you tell me to look two ways before crossing the road and to be careful, when you joke with me and talk with me. I appreciate it when you say hi to me during Lit. class. Council is so much nicer with you around. You make a difference.

To Wan Fang

I appreciate it when you share your corny jokes with me, when you advise me on things, when you confide in me. You've taught me so much about life and studying and made a difference just by being there. Thank you.

And to everyone else, I know you all by name, those who read this blog and those who don't. Just because your name isn't mentioned here doesn't mean you aren't special. You are. Each and every one of you have stepped into my life and made a difference. Sharon, Kelvin, Pei Zhen, Serene, Xin Yi, Ayumi, Yexiang, Hai Han, Sherwayn, Aishu, Lin Hai, Wen Jie, Pei Yu, Si Jia, Stephanie, Sanny, Cheryl, Kie Zin, Cheryl (01A11) and a whole lot more. I remember. I have just been blessed with so many friends. A simple act of kindness is remembered, a nice word spoken is never forgotten, and just a hi means so much to me. Thank you for being my friends. I love you.

And yes, I cried when writing this entry. I love you all so much.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Monday, July 15, 2002 09:33 p.m.

Social blogging...

To Mei

Hey...really want to go watch a movie with you or something. Perhaps we can arrange an outing? Oh yes. You still owe me .50 LOL.

Rainy weather. Yup...rainy weather is only good for sleeping in. It's too cold for one thing and knowing me I already get cold in normal temperature. :) Which reminds me I have yet to bring my sandals to school to change into for wet weather duty.

To Bingz

The NPCC girls in NY were really nice too but unfortunately I couldn't join because of my medical condition. Turns out for the better though because I wasn't exactly your model student in my lower secondary days. At least not in my opinion. Skipped ECA all the time. Still the NPCC girls were my first friends and first enemies in NY. Sigh. Pity that had to happen.

To De Wen

Ah...new layout even though it's still black. :) Aren't you tired of black? Ok...joking. You actually estimate the height of your bed? A true Maths Boy. Why did you argue you weren't colour blind?

I'd like to be the only one raising up my hand in your GP class. Have a rebel heart. And no I only read your blog today unfortunately. :)

To Alanna jie

Hmm...don't exactly like using public computers even to blog. Just love my own personal computer. But I might like to check out the school lab. :) I personally love university and school visits LOL Too bad I didn't get to go on a tour of SAJC during their investiture. And I love talks as compared to academic lectures. Fun taking notes. Hahaha. Still waiting for my block tests results. All the best in your study!

You did another quiz! Ok...will do even though I can't really think up good answers.

01. i hurt: myself physically when I hurt emotionally
02. i love: De Wen
03. i hate: being unable to live up to my own expectations
04. i cry: a lot
05. i fear: punishment and ghosts
06. i hope: to be a good Christian
07. i sadden: myself
08. i feel: stressed
09. i kill: a little bit of myself everyday
10. i talk: if I feel comfortable with you
11. i listen: to Christian and classical music
12. i break: down
13. i see: things most people can't see
14. i smell: nothing now as my nose is feeling weird
15. i taste: Pepsi Twist (because I couldn't find coke)
16. i work: all the time
17. i remember: pain and sadness
18. i hold: very high standards of living
19. i hide: some of my emotions
20. i pray: for comfort
21. i walk: miles by myself or with Chooi Mei by my side
22. i drive: myself mad
23. i read: for leisure
24. i burn: out too easily
25. i breathe: with difficulty
26. i play: the piano violin voice
27. i miss: the 1st 3 months
28. i touch: lives with my smile
29. i want: to care for others the way God cares for me
30. i wish: to love De Wen freely
31. i know: all things work out for good to them that love God
32. i said: nothing
33. i dream: all the time
34. i have: many gifts
36. i fall: and am picked up again
37. i wait: for heaven
38. i need: another counselling session
39. i live: with peace and underlying sadness
40. i die: every day

May seem almost contradictory but strangely enough everything is true.

To Jillz

Hey! Not to worry. Just wanted to make sure you were ok. Thanks for your mail. It touched me so much. -hugs-

To Christine

Take care dear. Sigh...it's hard to say really. I've learnt not to compare. Even though I feel I'm pretty good at piano I know a lot of other people are better and people don't think much of my playing. And as De Wen points out when much is given much is required. My brother doesn't like piano and it was such a trouble getting him to play until he finally passed Grade 5. I don't really get what you mean. So are you taking your exams? And do you mean to say you don't like playing for the cell group? I didn't play the piano for quite a while (more than 6 months) before I started again too since I've finished my Grade 8. Dropped diploma too. Take your time girl and do what you like. God bless.

And finally...

I hope my parents won't be too worried about me going online so often. And I hope going online won't interfere with my work. Been so sick this weekend I've not done a single piece of work. Feel good having a Monday tomorrow since I don't exactly have a lot of work to hand up on Monday (even though there's P.E. tomorrow). I look forward to presenting my poem in Prac. Crit. (that is if we don't get our block tests back...now that I think of it I'd rather get the block tests back) and there'll be Geography tomorrow too (just hope there's no map reading test especially since I forgot to bring my Geography file home). Perhaps I'll just read Chicken Soup For The Unsinkable Soul since I'll have to return all the books by tomorrow (hope Stephanie brings the book I lent her). Finished In God's Presence today by the way. Great book. Highly recommended. Let me know if you want it. Take care all and God bless! I love each and every one of you. -hugs-

Esther spread her wings and flew on Sunday, July 14, 2002 06:47 p.m.

God bless me in my 2.4km run tomorrow. I couldn't run for the past few days because of my breathlessness caused by my sickness. Now I'm better and hopefully fit enough to run.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Sunday, July 14, 2002 06:40 p.m.

I'm feeling a lot better now. Went to sleep and was later forced out of bed to go to violin (my fingers were so cold and my head was so hot that I could warm my fingers on my head lol) and argued with my mother because she didn't think seeing a doctor was necessary. In the end she gave in. I think nowadays she just takes my abuse either because she's too tired or she's just used to it.

Perhaps I'm guilty of the same things I accuse others of. How many times have I yelled at my mother and maid for things that weren't their fault or things that they didn't do? Many times my maid helped me without me giving her so much as a word of thanks.

I'm not going to delete my entry. I'm not going to erase what I said because what I said was true. It's just that I shouldn't have made it seem like I was blameless. I have sinned too. And I will try to make things better.

I decided not to go see a doctor today mainly because I felt a lot better mentally after violin (my violin teacher encouraged me in council) and felt a lot better physically too. For one thing I wasn't running a fever anymore. And evilly speaking I felt like eating LJS so I ate a second lunch. Spent in one day.

Today was a great day. I love it when I can just spend time with myself and forget about homework and school or all the problems in the world that are bothering me. My dream is to migrate to a remote countryside in Australia and spend the rest of my life there with friends and enjoying church and music. That is how life should be...not working your head off for a scholarship or straight As and struggling to make ends meet. Ideally that's how life should be and I hope to have the means to live life like that in the future (hopefully with De Wen too).

First I just decided to explore Clementi and then I went to Jurong East. Turns out I discovered a lot more things in Clementi than I knew existed. I didn't realise there was a Raffles Medical Group in Clementi for one thing. Ate at A&W's for lunch and tried their cheese fries. It was quite little but I enjoyed the root beer float and the whole ambience. Bought a nice chic diary as well and a new pen. Then I went to Jurong East for violin (after that nap and angst) and discovered a Pasar Malam! Just love looking for bargains so I went in and discovered a lot of things but only bought one thing (for De Wen since I discovered this nice Spiderman shop) because I didn't want to spend too much money. Finally ran for the bus lol and felt a lot happier about things.

Well the outlet manager at Jurong Point (Tony) and the assistant manager there (Joey) have contacted me about the comments I gave to them and they're giving me a complimentary drink! That was the time I wrote this long ranting about how displeased I was with the service because I was really upset. Hmm...well...now I feel almost embarrassed that I'm implicating someone especially someone who may probably be a nice person just happening to have a bad day. There goes my compassion again. Ok. I must just learn to cool down. God bless the girl whom I've implicated. May she be all right.

Played the piano. Have been practising my technical tricks for pleasure and for personal satisfaction. I love music. And maybe I should get another of the kiwi drinks I drank just now. Am eating extremely sour plums now. Just love things both sweet and sour. And I love eating too. Perhaps I will go down and eat another 2 packet of biscuits. :)

Esther spread her wings and flew on Sunday, July 14, 2002 06:04 p.m.

PubCo minutes done. Now I can take a short nap before I go off for violin. Am feeling sick and the stress is not helping. Perhaps I can convince my parents to let me go see a doctor before I die from some undiscovered disease.

Why do I get the feeling that people are just waiting to pelt me with tomatoes?

Swimming head. I was just talking to a friend of mine last night (from council) about council and she told me to change myself first before I sought to change the council. Yes it's hard. I don't know if I can even pull myself out to start being nice to people. I'm too sick to smile.

-stops crying and stumbles into bed-

COUGH.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Sunday, July 14, 2002 02:25 p.m.

Realise that I haven't been blogging for quite some time to myself but it seems like I've been blogging a lot because I do a lot of social blogging and I dwell a lot on the same point even when I'm normally blogging. Does this make sense? Well...I know for sure that I've seriously not been blogging as much as I would have liked to. A lot of the things that have taken place in the past few days have not been shared and most likely will not be shared in detail.

Nearly went on a hiatus again. If I did I don't know if I'll ever be back. I'm retreating more and more into my own world. I'm ok. Really I am. Feeling ok. But there's an underlying sadness to everything and I nearly cried today in public too.

Council on Saturday was terribly bad. It was bad enough that I was sick, worse that it was rainy (and for some other factors a lot of things were disorganised) but the worse thing was I was forced to do a lot of things, like scaffolding, which in the end I didn't do (thankfully, even though it wasn't my choice not to do it, it was because I was not properly attired). I was a bit apprehensive about talking about this because I know that there are a few council people who are reading this, and even though I'm ok with them I can't help feeling a little insecure. Nothing to do with them. But seriously, I'm angry. I was angry and I am still angry. Sad and angry. I don't deserve to be treated like this. So what if I didn't bring my P.E. attire? I didn't know that you had to wear that during work session (I never knew) and I wasn't the only one who didn't bring it either. So tell me, please tell me, why am I the one to be YELLED AT IN FRONT OF SO MANY PEOPLE by one individual who obviously doesn't understand a thing that is going on with me and one teacher? And why is it that people speak as if I'm not there when I'm standing right there in front of them. 'Tell her to do this' when I'm right there listening to you! Why do I get the feeling I'm not being trusted even though I try to help in just about everything? Boards, centrepiece, even students' lounge? I'm not looking for thanks. Yes, it may be your job and I'm helping you out but I don't mind and if it can let you finish earlier and go home earlier after I've finished my own job, why not?

Ok. My fault. Some of what I said above is unreasonable. I know it is. It's true yes. The events are true. I did get scolded. I did feel abused. Yes. I did cry. And every time I confide in my good friends to talk about this I get angry because I feel it's a blatant violation of MY RIGHTS as a human. Whatever.

And now I'm angry at that article that was written in some RJ magazine against the councillors. And you wonder whether I'm for council or against council. None. I'm for whatever humanity that's left of council. But I'm not against the school. But please...if you don't know what the council does and you think the council does nothing meaningful, please just SHUT UP. Do me a favour and SHUT UP. Don't cover up whatever you say with things like you have council friends and you don't mean anything and blah blah blah. You don't know anything. You don't you don't you don't. You think council is all about dancing? You think council is all about banner painting? What is your definition of leaders? I have a lot more to say but I'm too angry to say it right now. Seriously I've been thinking about that and I know clearly what is it I have to say but I'm not thinking clearly now and I don't want to think clearly.

Yes I'm in a temper. Yes I'm angry. I've been sick for days, I've been missing school, teachers are not happy, and I'm worried about my own work. I'm in a mood, yes. And I don't think anyone can understand me. Today's Sunday School lesson just proved that. It was enlightening yes. It was refreshing. But I realise just how different I am from the normal human being. I have too high standards of everything. I think it is natural for a human being to care and love. I wouldn't scold someone just because they didn't bring their P.E. attire. Not because I'm sick but because it's just plain unfair. It's not that alone. It's a lot of other things too. And I'm fed up. I know I'll never get an apology because what I always do is I take abuse and more abuse and just act as if I don't care so people think they can keep abusing me and then I sit in a corner in my room and cry by myself so no one ever knows I was upset or that I cared.

Leave me alone.

If you don't care a single thing about me leave me alone.

And look what you made me do. You made me cry...AGAIN. For what seems like the umpteenth time.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Sunday, July 14, 2002 01:59 p.m.

Amazing how much I can accomplish in 10-15 minutes which is about the time I have before I head off to school for my CL 'AO' Listening Comprehension exam. That should be ok. After that I'll be having MAF Work Session which should be ok too as long as they don't put me in a group that does too much physical activity or stays in the sun too long e.g. scaffolding. Really don't know if I can take it. Am I listening to my body here or not pushing myself enough?

Slept the whole day yesterday apart from a short dinner. Really must thank my mother for buying my favourite food: LJS. She didn't want to at first and wanted to buy something healthier but I pleaded with her to buy it over sms. She probably couldn't see my tone but I needed the food to give me more of a psychological boost than a physical one. Anyway last night's sleep was for once disturbed as I was tossing and turning and waking up every once in a while. Still I managed to get on the whole quite a good sleep.

I still feel really sick. My lips and throat are unnaturally dry and my nose is bad. I feel feverish. May God grant me relief. This may allow me to slow down and actually take the time to relax but there's a lot more work I must do. Still I'm reorganising my life again. I've been trying to cope and unable too. I have extra long days because of CL 'AO' and church on Saturday and Sunday. Violin lesson on Sunday. It ends up I only have about one afternoon of rest on Sunday which must be spent working for Monday. I don't know if I'm being idealistic here but I refuse to blame council. My non-council friends usually ask me if it's council that's causing all the problems. I refuse to believe it. I can manage. And if I really have to give up everything for council I will. But what can I give up? Unless I could quit LTF and Youth Choir again and blogging. Perhaps in time I will forget about the Internet.

Thank God for friends. My PubCo friends were so encouraging when they smsed me yesterday. Some of my closer classmates (yes I think I may be having one or two best friends in class now) actually noticed and took the time to care. De Wen was cool. Really appreciated everyone.

My voice doesn't sound like a voice now. Haha...

Take care all. I'll see ya probably tonight. :)

Esther spread her wings and flew on Saturday, July 13, 2002 06:58 a.m.

Why is my heart so downcast?
And why do my eyes weep?
Why is my face contorted?
As tears roll down my cheek?

Listen to me, calm down dear,
And look not on your sin,
But repent and ask His forgiveness,
And you shall be washed clean.

I may have sinned. My heart gives me pain that I have not done to my fellow councillors as I ought to have done. I didn't show much interest in Wen Jie this morning, I didn't reply Yexiang's sms nor sms my PubCo friends last night because my phone went missing, and worse I didn't go to council today. Yes, I felt sick, yes, I got an OCP, yes, I told my com chair, but yes, I wasn't there to dance with Wen Jie, my dance partner, today, yes, I felt a lot better when I came home and felt so tempted to hop on a bus and go right back to school but I didn't, and yes, I missed a dance session knowing full well that I am not exactly quick to learn dance steps and I'm dancing the guy part too (because our council has too many girls).

I love council.
And I skipped it.
Perhaps what I can do is to rest (because I did believe myself to be incapable of physical exertions although I could have pushed myself like I did during the ELDDFS Production session) and recover. I'm too stressed. And it's showing. Now a few people in my class actually notice what's wrong.

My throat hurts.

And I can't swallow.

-dies-

Good afternoon/evening/night all. I'm going to bathe and sleep.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Friday, July 12, 2002 04:54 p.m.

Perhaps I shouldn't have given in to the temptations of sleep. It was stressful considering I could only sleep for a short while and I was always scared that the alarm would sound. And now I'm awake yet totally dishevelled and woozy and thinking about the loads of undone work. The only thing I have managed to get done is GP which I did before I went online. So going online may in this instance be a double-edged sword especially for people who cannot prioritise their time properly like me.

Why did I sleep? Oh my teeth.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Friday, July 12, 2002 06:29 a.m.

I can't begin to say how much I appreciate my friends. Felt miserable yesterday and today but cheered up when blogging. Whether looking at my chatterbox or other chatterboxes or reading other people's blogs and replying I think I feel a lot better about my own problems. When I'm online I can feel a love and closeness between friends. I can feel that people care and that they will be there for you. Love you lots and hope that you will feel better. -puts arm around you- ('you' is plural, by the way.)

mirth Pronunciation Key (m�rth)
n.
Gladness and gaiety, especially when expressed by laughter.

Will read lucius' blog (hopefully) before I go offline to do some Maths and Lit. because...I need to go to school soon! :) Would have blogged about today but don't really feel like and was quite upset earlier so I didn't feel like blogging.

I think from now on I won't write the times for different entries if I do write in school. It wastes time if I start a new entry with an introduction and end off with 'I've got to go now' or something to that extent. I think I will write in school and work on a continuous entry so that I will have less to work on when I reach home. Ah...

Esther spread her wings and flew on Friday, July 12, 2002 04:05 a.m.

Christine!

Why would you miss a treasure hunt because of soft breezes? Hmm...but I love BBQs. :) I love Econs and Econs is pretty ok to study. At least compared to my other subjects. -encourages you to study Econs- Your subject combination sounds good. You're a Science-y person then? Haha... I'm way ARTS. Couldn't you talk to Anna online so you could use the computer and talk at the same time? That's what I do really.

Take care dear. You're appreciated.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Friday, July 12, 2002 03:57 a.m.

I don't think I will ever get to bed. I want to do my Maths and I have to do my Lit tonight. -wonders if I will die tomorrow- But tomorrow will be a relatively easy day considering the subjects. Basically Lit. and GP. Can survive the languages. And there will be Chinese after school otherwise I would have ended school at 3p.m. Doesn't make much difference really since I have council at uh...5? Not sure. Need to ask. Will be cool...council that is. Mass dance!!! :)

I'm still not feeling as warm as I'd like to be. You know one thing that makes me not like being disconnected? Is not knowing exactly how much time I spend online. My mother wonders what I do every night for 4 hours. Uh...

Jillz! Nice new layout! And it's BLUE! YIPPEE!!! The 'Pure and Simple' seriously reminds me of the New Zealand advertisment in Singapore. Really pleasant to the eyes. :) Am getting paranoid about SATs and vocabulary even though my jie says that SAT is better studied with the word list. (And I'm not even thinking of going to the US to study so what am I thinking of?!)

trel�lis Pronunciation Key (trls)
n.
A structure of open latticework, especially one used as a support for vines and other creeping plants.
An arbor or arch made of latticework.

Hey Jillz...you didn't send me an e-mail... I've been checking every day. Would you like to send me one? Hmm...when are you usually online? Perhaps you would like to chat? That is if I don't get disconnected all the time and having my mother chase me off the Internet. -rueful-

Uh...
rue�ful Pronunciation Key (rfl)
adj.
Inspiring pity or compassion.
Causing, feeling, or expressing sorrow or regret.

And now I wonder why people think my vocabulary is that good. Uh.

Take care girl and remember that I'm praying for you and there are friends who care. -hugs-

Esther spread her wings and flew on Friday, July 12, 2002 03:42 a.m.

Hey jie!!!!! -cheeky grin- Saw you today at CMS and tried to catch your eye a lot of times by standing in a highly conspicuous place where you could see me if you turned your head about 20 degrees but you didn't see me!!! Haha. You were talking to someone whom I couldn't see. LOL And you were sitting at the corner two seats away from someone else. Found that strange. But you did look good. As usual. Think you look great with short hair and specs. Hmm...that intellectual look. ;) And your table was full of writing materials including a nice orange pen. HAHAHAHAHA I'm getting crazy.

Love quizzies like the ones you have on your blog which are the ones on makoto's blog. Would have visited your friends if only I had the time... -wistful-

What's on your bedside table?
My bedside table is very crowded. I have a nice pink space Hello Kitty toy -grins-, a white bear in a blue bag, a pink Hello Kitty keychain, a bear thing which says 'The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?', one empty pink photo frame with plastic flowers all around saying 'my friend', one heart-shaped pink photo frame saying 'Blessed Birthday' with a hand-drawn cross (given to me ages ago), one rectangular yellow clock which is working but not set at the proper time (it says it's 11.04 now) -_-, one white box which I can't be bothered to open to find out what's inside, and one Garfield phone. Of course, I have bedside drawers and etc. etc. that I stuff to the brim as well. And to think people call me 'stupid' because I have a locker AND another locker in the council room. Both are quite utilised. :) Now I wish my items were all blue. -grins at Kelvin and Ailin-

What's the geekiest part of your music collection?
My cd collection is in a big mess too. Don't know exactly what is geeky but I don't listen to pirated cds.

What do you eat when you raid the fridge at night?
I don't eat at night. Even though I'm usually quite hungry (like tonight). Um...but does anyone realise I don't eat?

What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
I cry at nearly EVERY movie. Actually I cry all the time. Just cried tonight. And last night. And it wasn't because of a movie unless you're considering the movie of my life. -wink-

If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done? (a) I wouldn't have plastic surgery. (b) I wouldn't have done anything. I'm quite pleased with myself even though I was just thinking how ugly I looked today with (a) pimples and (b) watery eyes.

Do you have a completely irrational fear?
Yes. This is a warning. Please DON'T scare me in anyway and DON'T tickle me. You seriously don't want to see what happens. I'm scared myself. You get the point.

What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
Can't think of any yet. Don't really give myself away. ;)

Do you ever have to beg?
Used to but I don't like begging.

Do you have too many love interests?
What does 'love interests' mean? Yes. Quite a few people did like me. :) But I'm only interested in one.

Do you know anyone famous?
Not really. But my parents are quite high-profile.

Describe your bed:
Your bed sounds nice! Especially the blue and doggie part! Mine is orange (now I realise how little of my room is blue -sob-) with darker orange flowers. Matching pillow and bolster. Single bed.

Spontaneous or plan?
Both.

Who should play you in a movie about your life?
I would play myself too. No one...absolutely no one can play me. I'm too complicated for that. HAHA~

Do you know how to play poker?
I have a rough idea (from The Parent Trap) but no. Never played it in my life.

What do you carry with you at all times?
Paper, pen, handphone and wallet. Usually. Even if I forgot to carry my wallet to the canteen today. And I can't find my handphone now!

How do you drive?
I don't but I nearly died on a go-kart once during some 'Road Safety Park' game. Banged into so many things and got oil down my leg. -smiles- I run.

What do you miss most about being little?
My smile. People don't really see the difference but yes. There is a difference. Sadly.

Are you happy with your given name?
Very.

How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for a year?
I would never give up the Internet for a year ordinarily but maybe I would if I went overseas or something to get my mind off the Internet.

What color is your bedroom?
Purple wall? Wow. Must look really modern. I read the question as 'What color is your Neohome?'! Oh my. (Neohome is the NeoPets equivalent of a house/home by the way). Sigh. Uh...my bedroom is white. White walls. White doors. Mainly light brown furniture. Mainly orange.

What was the last song you were listening to?
I haven't really listened to a song in ages. But when I came back from school I was singing to myself 'Forever In Love' by a1 (out of inspiration really) and wondering why I was singing a1 all of a sudden.

Have you ever been in a school play?
I'll bet you have dear! :) Hmm...I used to act as a cat (yes a cat!) in kindergarten and was organising this short skit in church once (I favoured this little boy called Benjamin and gave him all the lead roles LOL - uh...if anyone from my church is reading this I'm referring to another church. Really). Never been really in anything major. If I ever was in anything major it was to do something quite minor. LOL. Helped out only a BIT in Production for ELDDFS. My pathetic resume. Hahaha.

Have you ever been in love?
Many times and not afraid to say so. Used to think I was a flirt but no. I am NOT a flirt. And I am NOT desperate. I'm saying this because someone called me desperate just because I was chasing Sherwayn around and meowing as I usually do and I do not appreciate it. Even if that person didn't mean what he said.

Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
Usually. I torture myself though. -weird look-

Have you ever done any illegal drugs?
I used to sniff glue. (Uh...I think people are becoming shocked.)

Do you think you're cute?
YES even if I say I don't like to be known as 'sweet and cute' I know I am and everyone knows it too!!!!! LOL And I like it that way. But if you think I'm cute look at my brother. He's way cuter than me. (1, 2, 3, aw...)

Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? I think you're a nice person. And yes. I consider myself to be a nice person. Though nice is subjective you know.

Uh...you know. I think you have to get your music approved by the Teachers' Day committee. Which means getting it approved by who else but teachers lol. :) I can sleep at 8p.m. ;)

Esther spread her wings and flew on Friday, July 12, 2002 02:56 a.m.

Thank God my teeth aren't hurting so bad now. They hurt a lot today (was visibly tearing up during my lunch at Burger King today and looked a pathetic sight I think) and during dinner but the pain is starting to cease. Maybe I should go celebrate with some food if I get the time and money tomorrow. Hope De Wen will eat some fast food with me. Yes. I'm back to fast food. :)

To De Wen: Actually I'm in favour of abortion. -imagines everyone else being shocked- What is RSVP? 'If u have loved any other person selflessly, and the other person deosn't even reciprocate, u know there is this tightening pain in your chest that is so real, so hurting.' Why does this seem so...familiar? Hmm...don't like being called a woman. Prefer girl. :)

Esther spread her wings and flew on Friday, July 12, 2002 02:37 a.m.

I wish it would get warmer. I'm extremely sensitive to cold and feeling very cold now even though the air-conditioning isn't on. And I notice that my counter says '333'. Haha. :)

Bingz! Congrats on your E! :) At least you got back all your results. I only got back my Maths in full! So now my grade stands at F---. Well...perhaps they really aren't ready to put in the effort. Perhaps they have more commitment elsewhere. (Compassion is speaking again LOL) All the best on your new study timetable and promos! You'll make it. -pats you on the shoulder-

Oh yes. People are quite interested in what I'm writing when I'm writing. And I like it. :) Your Physics teacher needs to lighten up LOL. I personally think that if you have the time and energy for 4 subjects you really shouldn't drop subjects just because you didn't do well because results are subjective. I hate long days ending with P.E. Actually I hate all days ending with P.E. No make it I hate all days with P.E. Can anyone see how much I hate P.E.? LOL One thing I've learnt is not to assume. Your vice-chair just might have a lot of behind-the-scenes work to do. If it makes you feel better, I hardly remembered I had CL 'AO' this Saturday too. -_-

Really love this quote on your blog: 'Some people make the world special by just being in it.' I think you are one of those. :) 'What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?' Very true indeed. It's because you love the person so much that you mind so much. 'Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.' -thinks of my personal goal for perfection- 'Most people walk in and out of your life, but only friends leave footprints in your heart.' Thanks for leaving footprints in my heart.

Why did you walk several km instead of taking public transport? And with a heavy bag?! Reminds me of when Chooi Mei and I do marathons on our outings LOL. I've never watched a judo match and really want to watch one. IF I get the time haha. I'm always tired so I should always be going to bed but I've kinda given up on bed. Yes. I'm staying up for the rest of the night/early morning in case people are hoping I'll go to bed for my good. -_-

Hey. Thanks for the encouragement on designing and the whole paragraph dedicated to me! Really appreciated it. :) What a pleasant surprise. I think the 'AO' results are calculated according to 'O' level grades so 73% should be an A2. Congrats! I bet very few passed their essay LOL considering the highest and second highest scores.

I dislike opening windows and windows in one mail just to get to the final attachment so if I ever forward mails I usually start forwarding from the last attachment. I love these lines the best: 'And each night I find the brightest star/And thank God for giving me a friend with such a caring heart.' and 'There's always a song in my heart/When I'm feeling a little blue.../All because I have a friend as wonderful as you!' :) Thanks to all my friends as well for being who they are...friends.

You know the more I read your blog the more I wonder how long is it exactly that I've not read other blogs. It seems I've missed out on so much LOL. Never mind...I'll be updated in no time. 'stupid ass'?! Take care and don't be too hard on yourself. -hugs-

Esther spread her wings and flew on Friday, July 12, 2002 01:55 a.m.

Hey Chooi Mei! Glad you had an interesting Tuesday. I'm sure a lot of people must be stumped by Trigo too. I'm too busy to sit down and do the tutorial lol! Gotta do it tonight.

Maybe if you get the time you should actually try elaborating on those traits you stated about September babies. :) That way I can know for sure if that's true for you. It certainly is quite true for me!

Suave and compromising
suave Pronunciation Key (sw�v)
adj. suav�er, suav�est
Smoothly agreeable and courteous.
(http://www.dictionary.com/: My favourite online dictionary source. Actually my ONLY online dictionary source. ^_^)
Think this is true about me. I usually don't really have major objections to decisions to do with food, movies, outing venues etc. -grins at Mei- Quite polite (ke qi) -grins at De Wen- I tend to have opinions on a lot of other things though (e.g. GP?) and I can get angry.
compromising
adj 1: making or willing to make concessions; "loneliness tore through him...whenever he thought of...even the compromising Louis du Tillet" [syn: conciliatory, flexible] [ant: uncompromising] 2: vulnerable to danger especially of discredit or suspicion; "she found herself in a compromising situation"
Yes. I'm willing to negotiate. I'm pretty easy-going about most things.

Careful, cautious and organized
I may seem reckless when tearing down school corridors but there's a lot that goes through my brain. I think and plan and like logic and structure. I'm quite willing to take risks though. Sometimes I'm the one who urges people to do things.

Likes to point out people's mistakes
I see mistakes easily because I have an eye for perfection. Still, I usually only discipline myself and not others. I usually take responsibility for other people's mistakes, asking myself what I could have done better in the situation. I do not hesitate to point out people's mistakes if they provoke me too much (e.g. boycotting stores and writing letters of complaint for bad service).

Likes to criticize
crit�i�cize Pronunciation Key (krt-sz)
v. crit�i�cized, crit�i�ciz�ing, crit�i�ciz�es
v. tr.
To find fault with: criticized the decision as unrealistic. See Usage Note at critique.
To judge the merits and faults of; analyze and evaluate.
v. intr.
To act as a critic.
My parents emphasize a lot on thinking. I get mad when they try to promote such things at the dinner table because I don't like to be bothered with such things. When watching a movie I take note of certain effects and how they contribute to the movie just as if I'm analysing a Literature text. I like discovering meaning in Literature but I often fear that I am misinterpreting the whole thing because I have always done so.

Quiet but able to talk well
Some people may view me as quiet. I am a loner. I move around in the crowd and make new friends as well as talk to everyone but usually I keep to myself. Sometimes I keep quiet and either read or write because I'm too busy to talk LOL. Under comfortable circumstances (e.g. election) I am able to talk pretty well especially if I am passionate about whatever I'm talking (e.g. NeoPets). In two way conversations, I am pretty much the listener and I like it that way.

Calm and cool
I'm quite level-headed in most situations. Xin Yi says she feels comforted after calling me when she's in panic because I can reassure her. I try to view things in a structured manner and lay things out before me in plan. I hate it when my carefully thought out plans are disrupted though. I remember this April Fool's Wei Lynn tricked me into thinking there was a Geography test and I foolishly went into a panic. I don't exactly mind tests but I don't like it when I'm not even given a fair chance at these (e.g. not knowing about tests or assignments).

Kind and sympathetic
I'm very compassionate and loving. I'm not saying this to boost my own ego but yes I can cry when others cry and share others' problems. I can relate to a lot of things and am available for a kind word or a shoulder to cry on. I try to avoid being mean to people and I give in easily. As a result I've been taken advantage of many times in the course of my life. My parents have even come to school (both QFPS and NYGH) to complain about other people bullying me. As De Wen may know I recently retreated into my own shell because I distrusted other people because I trusted them too much and they eventually hurt me.

Concerned and detailed
I am willing to care. I do not hesitate to spend time with people if I can be of comfort to them. I like to be aware but I realise I'm pretty ignorant about most things (especially gossip and politics). I strive for perfection and pursue things to the nitty-gritty details.

Trustworthy, loyal and honest
I wonder how this survey groups its results. I mean, what is actually in common with these three adjectives? I can be trusted, I'm enthusiastic and loyal, and I'm frank about things but (a) because of my openness I usually treat things as public domain -of course exercising discretion while so doing- so friends should tell me if they want what they tell me to be of top secret, (b) I am willing to transfer out of organisations and groups whenever I have problems in certain situations because I've always believed that I have the talent to succeed anywhere (e.g. I was formally 3rd in command in a guild but I was unhappy about a certain situation and quit to join AAA. The 2 people above me were so shocked I'd quit) and (c) I tend to hide my feelings except to a select group of people because I feel that other people have enough problems and don't need my problems to add to their load.

Does work well
I'm a perfectionist and believes in quality. Sometimes I rush through assignments (especially writing assignments -in English that is-) but I demand a certain standard in my work before submission. I'm a workaholic too.

Sensitive
I try to be. I seek to understand when I'm not seeking to be understood. ^_^ I tend to read (too much?) into people's emotions so if people don't smile I may tend to get worried that they are upset. I try to evaluate my actions so I don't hurt other people.

Thinking
I'm pretty thoughtful. I think too much for my own good sometimes though. -thinks-

Good memory
Yes to a certain extent. I'm able to recall certain things especially things associated with pain and suffering (e.g. scenes from long ago movies). Please pray for me. I keep scaring myself.

Clever and knowledgeable
I catch some things pretty quickly (e.g. Geography) and others pretty slowly (e.g. dance). I'm not exactly knowledgeable being ignorant about most things and not informed with the news but I believe I have experience in a lot of areas people might not have experience in. (Uh...this was reflected in a certain description about me in someone's webpage. 'Has experience'. LOL)

Loves to look for information
Pretty much so. I look for information that I want though and I don't like being forced to look for information i.e. when I ask you a question kindly do not ask me to find it out myself. I hate it when I ask teachers questions and they ask me to either check a dictionary or find out information on my own.

Must control oneself when criticizing
Xin Yi has to calm me down when I'm in a rage. LOL I get irritated at certain things (e.g. wasting my time and bad service) and once I set my mind on complaining I can be very harsh. Give me writing paper and stationery and I might just write out all your flaws.

Able to motivate oneself
I believe in self-discipline even though I do require external discipline to keep mself in check. I have a certain level of confidence but I may have low self-esteem sometimes (e.g. one of the reasons why I went on hiatus was I didn't receive enough feedback on my writing. It was really important to me that people gave me comments on my works and criticise instead of leaving me to judge things. I suppose I didn't communicate this intention enough. Didn't blame anyone else but I retreated into my own shell and it took some hesitation for me to post works of writing again (e.g. poem).

Understanding
I try. And I usually am lenient. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt and encourage them along (e.g. in my supervising job at AAA). When my parents talk about their bad days I'm usually the one comforting and providing them the other side of the story because I tend to be idealistic at times.

Secretive
I can hide things. I'm usually depressed but I am able to put on a smiling face so that people think I'm a cheerful person e.g. in council. There are only a few people I really share with.

Loves sports, leisure and traveling
I love running but hate P.E. I don't really like physically challenging activities except for running. I usually get full marks for NAPFA (5 points for each item) except for the sit-and-reach which is usually the one that determines if I get a Gold, Silver or Bronze. I long for relaxation and to visit other countries but given a choice for a holiday I'd seriously rather sit at home and clear my work. :)

Hardly shows emotions
As I said I can hide my emotions pretty well. Still sometimes I do bother to show my emotions just that people don't get it. -_-

Tends to bottle up feelings
Isn't this the same thing? Yes.

Choosy especially in relationships
Let's just say that special someone should be...special. LOL De Wen is. -hugs-

Loves wide things
'wide' reminds me of Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing. Something about talking so wide. Hmm...actually I prefer narrow things.

Systematic
And you thought I'd never get to the end! LOL Organised. Systematic. To a certain extent yes but in my writing I usually have quite abstract and random styles.

Another nice long entry dedicated to Mei. -hugs Mei-

Esther spread her wings and flew on Friday, July 12, 2002 12:44 a.m.

-cries harder- Boy...I haven't cried in so long.

Here's the poem that I wrote in Maths. I was in a very high mood then. :)

A candle burns in the morning
The sun lights up at night
The moon travels in the sunshine
The wrong is now so right

Silence screams louder than noise
Dark shines brighter than light
A stench is sweeter than a scent
See with your heart and feel with your sight

Sweet is sour
Fat is thin
Sharp is apple
Blunt is pin

Love is hate
Joy is sorrow
Past is present
Today tomorrow

Rough is smooth
Dark is fair
Up is going down the stair
Red is blue
Black is white
Winning is losing a fight

Perfection has many flaws
Imperfection needs no correction
Luck will bring your downfall
Blessing is but a curse

Truth is a blatant lie
Friendship is with enemies
Honour is betraying your comrades
Wealth is poverty

The above makes sense...seriously it does. It's not supposed to be illogical, just abtract. Whee~

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
Reminds me of you

Esther spread her wings and flew on Wednesday, July 10, 2002 11:01 p.m.

That was all for my day's blogging partly because I ran out of foolscap paper. -_- Will bring more tomorrow and buy more! Whee~

Actually I was quite thoughtful today. Thinking about God, reconsidering my life structure, views, thinking about my mistakes. I don't admit I don't get upset. I still hurt. I still get disappointed. I feel inferior. I feel selfish. I feel I'm not doing enough. But I'm not going to let myself sink into depression. I'm not going to let this one moment of peace fly away. I'm going to cling on to this hope. I'm going to let the past be the past and to live in the present or for the future. I'm going to learn from my mistakes. I once learnt from Chicken Soup for the Soul about there being nothing called failures. What we see as failures are only lessons to be learnt and each time we don't learn the lessons the lessons are repeated. Besides I felt a lot better, a lot more comforted when I went online and saw all the messages left on my chatterbox. You people make a difference. :)

I got a new train back to school today. A nice fresh empty one came by today with shiny coloured seats. Clean and cool. On my way back to school I didn't really have the energy to walk briskly so I just walked normally (according to normal human standards that is because one has to take into consideration that I'm not exactly a normal human). Was deciding whether to eat or not again and eventually decided to eat. Bought 6 kaya buns and ate them all but got very sick of kaya buns at the end of the meal. Was considering saving money by buying a loaf of bread and kaya spread to last me the whole week (ref. OBS LOL) but decided not to torture myself.

Praise the Lord! I came back late for Maths so I only had around 10 minutes of Maths. Frankly speaking I'm starting to hate Maths quite a bit (-hides from De Wen-) because it's so tedious and I'm really Arts Arts Arts. Praise the Lord for guiding me to choose Arts. I did consider Science because I was a lot better results-wise in Science but eventually chose Arts because of interest. We also had a talk on stress...again. And I took notes...again. Hahahahahaha. We did a test though. The speaker would read a few scenarios and you would tick those that applied to you in the last 12 months then you would calculate your points. More points were given for more stressful scenarios and if you got more than 200 you are quite stressed. Guess what...I got 555! Really freaked my classmates out because I just kept ticking and ticking. So many things applied to me! Still, I'm not the highest that I know of. Vic got 610! Wow...

Had LD after school. 2.15p.m. Unfortunately I didn't manage to get anything out of it because I left before the meeting really started! I was just looking at my handphone, trying to cover it up with my coat, and thinking to myself, 'Please hurry, I don't have all day!' because I really wanted to know who the new ExCo was but it was too late. I just had to leave (and ran down just in time for council too. Whew!) I just hope I didn't do anything wrong by a) using my handphone during a meeting (used it blatantly at first and only tried to cover it up later) and b) walking out halfway in front of everyone and putting my hand to my forehead because I was just so frustrated at myself. -looks worriedly at Alanna jie- By the way you looked good today! :)

Council was...for once a blatant waste of time. We were supposed to do ushering duties so we got into our queue lining the outside of the auditorium. And we stood there for the rest of the time. I mean...do you need to rehearse standing?! I've got better things to do than to stand around! Still I did manage to talk to a lot of the councillors so it wasn't a total waste of time. And I got a new mama (Ailin...-grins-) Don't know how that idea popped up into my head though. Just ran to Ailin and said 'mama' in a cute voice (or so I think -thinks of Yexiang-) Did manage to run to the canteen for a bite too (Hor Fun) during the short break they gave us. Wanted to read my book In God's Presence but I didn't manage to. Still people were interested and got to look at it. Didn't manage to really recommend the book though. It's a good book but I lack communication skills. Oh in case anyone is wondering my dad thinks that studying mass communication is a good idea for me.

PubCo formal was ok. Didn't feel too good at first because I made a mistake again. The first time I booked the room too far. Now I didn't tell Mrs. Ang to bring the key so she had to walk all the way back and bring the key. I assumed that teachers knew they had to bring the key because students aren't allowed to collect the key. Still I didn't exactly handle the situation well (was looking sheepish and slightly defensive instead of apologising and making amends). Also the key might not have been available since we started the formal pretty late (but earlier than I thought because in the end the CMS video had quite a lot of problems and a lot of things weren't ready). Still we had quite a few laughs. Was irritated with some people for talking too much (felt that formal should only consist of the com chair presenting our informal minutes and the rest of the com members speaking up when needed instead of some of the com members acting like they were chairing the meeting). Maybe I'm a little too harsh here but that's just how I felt although it won't affect any personal/working relationship between us. Learning to cool down on a lot of things here. Still managed to work efficiently as usual. Think we're working ok with Mrs. Ang. I'll be working a lot more with her because I hear she's in charge of the Chinese-New-Year committee, which I'm in too.

My teeth hurt a lot. I wish it'd hurt more though. Either give me all the pain or don't give me pain at all. Don't give me that tingling feeling and deprive me of another year's worth of regular pain periods. Just give me all the pain and let me suffer for one day. I don't like how long the orthodontic treatment is taking. Another year of... and to think my maid cooked a lot of nice food today too especially this fried sauced chicken she hasn't cooked in a long time. Unfortunately my teeth hurt so much I was eating the chicken too slowly so I got my maid to peel everything for me. Even eating egg and mangoes hurt. And considering food particles already get stuck in your mouth normally when you're wearing braces wearing two rubber bands in your mouth makes things a lot tougher. I feel miserable. :(

My Econs teacher seemed pissed off with me today. I think she was pissed off yesterday because I didn't know my work but I heard today that she was muttering about how I was missing lesson even though my classmates did tell her of my situation. Tomorrow I'll be missing Econs. lecture and considering she picks on me EVERY SINGLE lecture and tutorial she'll not be happy. I think I'll go explain my situation to my teachers tomorrow. I'll be having J2 CMS (Council Meet Students) and SAJC Investiture tomrrow so I'll be missing quite a bit of the lessons. Unfortunately I won't be missing P.E. Might have to run 2.4k.m. tomorrow and I don't even have P.E. shorts (lost them at OBS). Really have to buy. Do I have the money?

Talked to my GP tutor for a while. Managed to convince her and Yexiang that I'm a total depression case without even trying. Hmm...

Xin Yi called just now to tell me she'd be ending school 4 periods early and she'd like to go home and do her history so could we postpone the trip to NY tomorrow and our outing to Coffee Bean? Frankly I was quite irritated. I've been having/will be having council every single day of the week. I would have had it tomorrow except I was praying hard that there wouldn't be a meeting tomorrow so I could meet her and thanking God that there wasn't a meeting and if there isn't a meeting tomorrow it means that OHCO passing down will be sometime next week which means another day will be used up and you come telling me you want to change your appointment? I don't have time girl! My schedules are really packed to the brim. I'm crumbling from the pressure myself trying hard to reorganise my life. Will you please show some consideration for me? Is 4 periods that long to wait? Didn't I wait for you the other time when I forgot that you would be coming 40 minutes later than I thought I was supposed to? And I rushed down too. You were always late. And now you can't even afford a little time for me? To wait for me? I really dislike it when she acts like that. It's just so her. She doesn't wait. She rushes me through lunch and coffee even when I'm trying so hard to keep up with her and rushing through my own because I don't want her to wait. That was one reason I was upset on the last day of block tests. She didn't have block tests then and she didn't want to come out of her house to meet me. See what I mean? Do you treat me like I'm important? We're supposed to be best friends here. You don't even read my blog even though I constantly talk about it. Do you realise I keep thinking I've said things to you but either you don't remember or you just don't know because you don't read my blog? Part of my reason for writing a blog is I've no time to say a lot of things. I need to get information about myself out to all the people who care about me in a short time.

I'm pissed. But I will get over it. I know that you are good and special in other ways. You just have this bad habit that pisses me off all the time but it's my fault for not having told you anyway. I care. I didn't want Chooi Mei to come all the way down to HC the other time because it would take too long and too much trouble. For her, not me. Seriously if people think I don't care they are seriously wrong. And I'm upset with myself for telling you how busy I was because if we put this one thing off it will upset the whole schedule of things and it will never work out. Sigh... I know it's not your fault. The moment I told you how busy I was and how much time I didn't have you understood and told me we would meet tomorrow. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm upset I can't spend more time with my friends. Do you not know how much I want to? Do you know I'm crying now of helplessness?

I can't believe I'm crying.

Thanks for hearing me vent everyone. I'll get over it. I want to be strong.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Wednesday, July 10, 2002 09:57 p.m.

Appointment done. Was considering not eating because my teeth are so tight now but since they don't hurt I'll try to eat. New dentist because previous one transferred to NUH. Very friendly. Young, professional and interactive. Made jokes. Smiled. Yet he requires me to brush my teeth after every meal and change my rubber bands (put some bands into my mouth too - now my mouth feels so...crowded?). That's highly inconvenient considering I only brush my teeth once a day. -_- Either I eat less or I brush now. Think I'll brush more regularly, twice a day like normal people do -nudges self-, but I won't brush after every meal. It's WAY WAY too inconvenient.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Wednesday, July 10, 2002 11:20 a.m.

Late for appointment by more than 15 minutes. Oh well. I hope I won't keep on being late today, especially not for the two council events today. There will be council on Friday and Saturday too. On one hand it keeps me busy and is seriously fun but on the other hand it also tires me out. Council on Saturday will end pretty late, so I guess I can't even go to LTF. :( Still, who am I to complain? I know of a lot more people who are doing a lot more work than me.

Morning briefing was ok. As usual, successful, efficient yet fun, just the way I like to operate. Nothing to do with council here but I feel I just might be turning into something resembling a robot, or is this what the ideal human should be? I work non-stop and don't indulge in any forms of entertainment (no radio, no tv, and even my computer time is occupied by work and not casual surfing). I'm purposeful. I think. I decide. I do. I walk briskly (otherwise I might have been even later). I like the adrenaline rush, the heart pumping quickly that has become a part of me, even though it scares me because I'm pushing myself so hard. I plan according to my own plan, have a personal treasury which I take accounts for (e.g. expenditure, loans). I even allocate eating times in a schedule I do up every day. I'm a fast, efficient robot that is trying to feel and understand others. Is it possible? There's so much work to do I can't slow down but I'm trying to fulfil my goal in life to help others. Right now I don't seem to have any problems but others do. Frankly, it pains me to see that some people that I know (e.g. my GP tutor) is not Christian. I guess I was drawn to Christ because I felt a need which was thankfully satisfied. God bless my friends. May they one day know and enjoy the LORD just as I am learning to each day).

I am waiting for my appointment now. Perhaps I will even be late for Maths if thhis takes too long, and considering I already gave a leeway on my leave time and walk briskly, indeed I will be late. I will probably stop by the shop outside the MRt and get something to eat later too because I won't be eating until late at night tonight and I did feel hungry just now. Of course, being busy, I suppose I could forget about eating but I think it's the health and energy too that needs to be taken into consideration. Don't want to develop gastric problems especially considering the intense abdominal pains I experienced on Monday which I controlled (i.e. didn't reflect my physical pain on my face, a personal victory). -thinks about the robot idea- Actually I suppose it was good in a way because I eventually went to the toilet and heard this beautiful music that kept ringing in my head. Yes, that was the melody I improvised slightly on and developed the chords to suit the poem 'Night Sky'. Actually 'Night Sky' was a poem that just came out of me (i.e. inspired) and was made for the music and for De Wen. I used to write a lot of love poetry in Sec. 3 but I don't know where everything went. Had a person who gave me inspiration once. Hmm...slowly the poetry just evolved to suit more Plathian themes. Now it's a lot more love and lightness again. Will post the poem I wrote during Maths lecture...hopefully. -_-

I can't beleive I haven't gone into my appointment yet and it's 10.57a.m. I will definitely be late. -thinks- Must look at what I wrote yesterday to see what I didn't write yesterday. Today is pretty much covered. Didn't really go for my lessons (1, as a matter of fact) and I'll probably skip so much Maths I'll only be going for CT. Let's hope CT isn't Maths, but it's some auditorium talk that will end early. After school I have LD meeting (the outgoing ExCo will be introducing the new ExCo...yippee!) Will be meeting jie, De Wen, Bryan and Roger there. All the best to the candidates!

Esther spread her wings and flew on Wednesday, July 10, 2002 10:31 a.m.

I need to get some new paper soon. Must be all the paper I'm using to write diaries and other personal stuff (e.g. love poems :p). I realise I should just write on anything I can find i.e. not have a nice diary (wanted a girly furry hot pink one originally -grins at Sharon-) because (a) I scribble, (b) paper is always around me anyway because I make it a point to bring writing paper and pen with me most of the time. My writing is small and relatively neat now because I'm sitting in the MRT station i.e. not moving.

Just got on the train. Crowded so can't sit. Never mind, I will stand and write and hope I don't lose my balance. Geography was ok, quite fun really even though I was late because I had to get an out-of-campus pass for my dental appointment (Oo...I got a seat, and one at the corner too so my ride will be more stable. Praise the Lord! I've to change train soon though but at least I'll be able to get some writing done). For one thing, my teacher likes me and smiles at me (that makes a difference). For another, I love Geography and today is Physical Geography, plus it's tutorial i.e. no Pamela, not that I don't like her but I just get unreasonably uncomfortable with her. My fault. For a third, I did the presentation today and enjoyed myself (smiling and being in the centre of attraction can be quite a good thing -remembers what jie once told me-). For a last thing, I really enjoyed discussing questions with my new groupmates and talking about other personal topics too (e.g. the rare but regular -am I making sense here?- update on my depression). As usual, I was smiling and interacting because I was perfectly at ease with my classmates. I really love my classmates. Later, I enjoyed the presentation even if I didn't listen to a few points because for some reason my mind wandered off until I realised I wasn't listening and brought it back). Sanny wasn't listening too and she got called upon to answeer questions but I think my Geography teacher is really quite nice. When I'm comfortable and able to smile and joke with you, that's a very good sign.

Got out of train. Now waiting for a new train to take me to Outram Park. Admiring my whole page of small blue handwriting. I will be late for my dental appointment because I went to buy my Geography books after class and also went around looking for someone to sign my OCP because my CT tutor wasn't there, then I had to go to Lit. class and interrupt it so I could pass my OCP to my CT rep (and of course got questioned by my Lit. tutor, even though I wasn't scolded or anything). Besides that, I had to walk all the way to the gate and upstairs before realising (train here. Am sitting on floor because the train is pretty empty but not empty enough for me to get a seat) that they were both locked and then I went all the way to Chinese High so I could exit the school compounds and take a bus to Newton MRT station (somewhere around there). Besides I could have been let off earlier but I chose not to. Two good things that came out of it: (a) I attended the entire Geography lesson instead of leaving halfway and (b) I bought my Geography books after class and paid class fund. I pride myself on paying funds promptly.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Wednesday, July 10, 2002 10:00 a.m.

Hey people. I'm really sorry (yes I once said I shouldn't apologise but this is how I feel towards myself and the situation). I'm really REALLY tired. Physically tired. My eyes are shutting and today's lessons just proved that I need more sleep. PubCo minutes done. Thankfully I wrote out the other blog entries at different points in school so you at least get a rough update of my day. Will once again TRY to update more and add a lot of stuff I originally planned to add in today's entry. Thank God I'm a pretty fast typist but I really don't want to tax my brain too much on what happened today.

Will go print PubCo minutes (need to transfer it to another computer with a printer) and then go straight to bed. Sorry I couldn't read all of your blogs tonight either or chat. I'm just SO exhausted and there's morning briefing tomorrow so I'll have to wake up extra early too. God bless you tonight. Hopefully I will be able to squeeze tonight's Quiet Time (no energy to do it tonight) and my Geography to tomorrow. Maths??? Need to do a little Maths too. Thank God I have no Lit. and Econs tomorrow because of my dental appointment.

Thinking of you all with love.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Tuesday, July 9, 2002 09:07 p.m.

OHCO formal just ended. Had a really great time sharing my ideas and enjoying the interaction, ideas and jokes. As with most council meetings, ideas just keep flowing, evaluation is done and everyone has a fair share of work and fun yet focusing on whatever we're supposed to do and not wasting time. Who says work can't be fun? Smiled a lot, laughed. Enjoyed the company. Teacher i/c Mrs. Toh helped a lot since she's approachable and fun-loving. I guess PubCo just hasn't really connected with Mrs. Ang yet. I hope we do though. Objectively speaking, Mrs. Ang's really not that fierce but there is a difference between a PubCo formal and OHCO formal.

On the bus now making full use of time. So much to do and so little time to do it. When I get home I still need to wash up, have dinner and do the PubCo minutes for tomorrow's meeting. Thankfully I've done most of what needs to be done so I should be able to get started with a lot more other things. Will be missing Lit. and Econs. tutorials tomorrow because of a dental appointment so I should be concentrating only on Geography tonight. I'm so glad Wan Fang will be doing up the transparency. I'll be doing the presentation so I just need to be familiar with my notes.

Got back my GP comprehension paper. It's good news so far: 35/50. I think I'm the highest in class. It's confirmed I'm in the top 3 anyway so that's something to thank God for. At least I managed to maintain my standard. Now I must pray for my essay results. GP went ok, I guess.

Econs was ok. The teacher wanted to give us a test but they all seemed not to understand the concepts so she reviewed it...again. Really appreciated it though as it clarified a lot of misconceptions. I got called to the board...again, and managed to successfully draw the MC and MR curves but forgot how to draw ATC and find total profit. Oops. Got encouragement from Si Jia by way of a light squeeze on my shoulder as I left my position in front of the white board and she was called upon to do whatever I had left. Really appreciated that. The teacher says I have to revise my concepts. I hope she's not disappointed in me.

Maths tutorial early this morning was bad in some ways. For one, a lot of people didn't do their tutorials. I filled one page with writing but I was just working on the next page when my Maths teacher came around to check my work so I hope he didn't think I had just started on my tutorial. Sometimes I'm true to myself but I must also think about the image I'm portraying.

Reaching home. Boy, my scribble is legible but I don't like it because it's a scribble after all. LOL. Still, I'm glad that I can write relatively quickly and on the bus too (-winks at jie-). Will update more.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Tuesday, July 9, 2002 07:15 p.m.

In GP lesson now. Teacher has given us a break while she goes to get our comprehension scripts. I hope I do well. The teachers mark things so slowly the block test has been put far behind me. I couldn't help feeling quite irritated at my GP tutor today for her certain sarcastic comments. Refused to answer questions (not that she asked me in particular) and instead wrote a lot of thoughts based on whatever she was saying.

Maths tutorial today was quite slack as the teacher only went through the lesson and not the tutorial questions. This was because...oops...teacher's back. Got to go.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Tuesday, July 9, 2002 01:39 p.m.

I'm sitting in the canteen now drinking from a can of coke. Recently I've been more health conscious (if anyone noticed I've taken coke and french fries as well as LJS off my 'Loves' list). Yet I'm still indulging in a can of coke today, claiming that I need the sweetness. I was quite tired today during the first period and my eyelids were closing. I hope the sugar and whatever caffeine will help me get through today.

I've been inspired to get a diary because of jie. If I write during regular points of the day, I will probably blog more accurate entries and spend less time on my own personal blog so I can spend more time replying to other blogs. I really want to understand these friends better and I feel it will be nice for people to have at least a paragraph dedicated to them. Or a page. -winks at Mei-

Last night, I managed a really long prayer for every single person I could remember. I should get a prayer list. Not good to miss people out. It was strange just sitting on my bed still and silent praying and then reading God's Word. I'm currently working on the 'Read Pray Grow' devotional booklet that is given out in church. It's amazing how the devotional verses may seem so long and get being read so fast. I learnt of God's faithfulness. Once God has made a promise He will keep it. His promise to send a saviour Jesus was only fulfillled many centuries later but it was fulfilled. De Wen has always been praying that God will be close to me and that I will try again to trust God. Thank God this seems to be an answer. I hope it will last. Though already today when coming back to schoool I see people with so many problems in their lives, as well as face a lot of personal disappointments, I'm coping all right. I still hope I can smile again though. Under an inner feeling of peace I still feel a tinge of sadness. Perhaps it'll be a long time before I can actually really smile out of pure joy.

Met De Wen this morning because I was really extraordinarily early, despite the fact I had council morning briefing today. Discussed quite a lot of intellectual topics, even if I can't really remember them. -_- Had something to do with church. For once I was not pissed off at him, whether reasonably or unreasonably.

Going off for Maths lecture now. I brought my notes! Yippee...Considering I've forgotten them for the past few weeks. Oops. Will blog more later. And yes, the clock in the canteen is fast.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Tuesday, July 9, 2002 09:00 a.m.

Thank God I have no P.E. tomorrow so I won't be too tired. I end at 3p.m. tomorrow too because I don't have CL 'AO' just for tomorrow.

OHCO council work done. GP homework done. Maths homework not done. Econs test not studied for. PubCo minutes nearly done. Will do my first Quiet Time in a long time before I sleep and wake up early tomorrow to do Maths and use my first break to do Econs. Sleep is important and I'm glad I've finished blogging for the night. The last few days of blogging are still owed. I wonder if I am really going to blog about the last few days after all considering I'm going to be busy with a lot of other things as well as blog about every day. Plus if I'm going to read and type a long reply to every single entry my friends write...-winks-

Good night all. The LORD bless you and keep you.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Tuesday, July 9, 2002 01:02 a.m.

Just like to say here that I made changes to my computer clock recently so hopefully it reflects the correct time. It reflects the time shown on my room clock which is about 5 minutes faster than my handphone which shows council time. -wonders why-

Hey Bingz! Nice changes to your layout! :) The yellow really enhances the blue and makes it look a lot more appealing and the blue font looks great too! Trust me to look at blue lol. Happy Youth Day to you!

Why do you say you are 'entertaining' Charissa? Seems like a strange choice of words there. It's great that you still talk to your best friend and keep the same one after all these years. I really treasure Xin Yi and Chooi Mei. When will you know if you pass the auditions? Did you see the HC councillors there? What was the topic in Project Work that you were reminded of?

I really admire designers. I admire Ailin. (Ok perhaps I might be digressing a bit here but I really admire Ailin at this moment.) I admire the way she tries to talk to people. I admire the way she looks happy even when she's not or when she's too tired to. I admire the way she says just the right words. Words that may be mock-insulting and yet when you look back at them you know and feel they aren't serious (that is to say even a highly-sensitive person will never be hurt by them). I admire her taking on a lot of workload willingly. I admire her for being able to design (I really wish I could and if I ever get the time I am going to learn how to draw) and draw. I admire her love for Kelvin. And I admire her for just being her. Unique.

Back to the point. Well Bingz. I admire the fact that you can design. All the best! -wonders what music you are listening to-

Hey De Wen! I understand your poem perfectly or maybe just my own interpretation of it. Brilliant I say. :) Perhaps it was because of what happened last night? I don't understand your Maths at all even if I'm not freaked out by it. Just proves you're a Maths Boy I guess. ;)

I used to feel outcasted in church but I realised it had to do with me. I can still remember on Saturday I was staring at Tiffz and she gave me this warm smile. Have never been close to her so was particularly grateful for her smile. I hope she didn't think much about my staring. I was staring for no reason really but with the sullen look on my face it would have been mistaken for a look of distaste or disgust when in actual fact I really admire her.

I don't particularly remember reading anything written by C.S. Lewis. Wit? I had an impression he was quite serious but then again I haven't exactly read anything by him. How was the turkish food? Haven't tasted any either.

Hey Alanna jie! Welcome back to blogging! -hugs- Why is your mother in China? Yes, I'm learning a lot just by listening and observing. That's how I like to operate most of the time coincidentally. Your blog keeps jamming up when I click your comments box. I wonder why. Thanks for remembering me jie.

Hey Sharon! Glad that you're starting on this current blog again. Almost thought I wouldn't be able to find out anymore about you. Didn't feel comfortable approaching you in person because I express myself better online. Perhaps one day we can sit down and have a nice long chat though. I'm sorry I was insensitive to your feelings and didn't bother to care more. I don't think those people mean what they say. I know it's hard to imagine that anyone really cares especially when people seem to have their own problems and they are perhaps not in the same situation as you are. Still I do or I am trying to and I will pray for you. Take care dear.

Hey Kelvin! I personally know quite a few nice guys and sensitivity and frankness is indeed one thing I admire in guys. I don't think being gentlemanly means one is gay and if I ever were to count the number of guys I had relationships or friendships with that were nice I think every single one of them would be gay using this logic. But you're cool in your own way. And I believe there is an element of niceness in every single human being because we all have a conscience. I have been blessed knowing so many nice people and I thank God for them. Take care.

Hey Jillz! Had a great chat with you today. Thanks for sharing your feelings with me. I really appreciate it. I'm looking forward to your e-mail and towards developing a deeper friendship with you. Hope to see you online more often.

Hey Christine! Hope you enjoyed Minority Report. Reflection does indeed help a lot. You're usually not entirely in the wrong but I believe it helps to see what you could have done better and do it better the next time. We live and learn. :) Technology has enabled me to get to know new friends such as you and Jillz. May our friendship last forever. I have a messy room too and am forever losing things and forgetting where things are put. You're not alone. ;) God bless.

Hey Grace! God bless. Enjoy your break and come back soon for more blogging! LOL

Hey Ailin! This is just my two cents worth (not forcing any viewpoint here). God did not let us be born to suffer or die. That was not His original plan. His original plan was for man to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever. Man could fellowship with him in the Garden of Eden. The reason there are so many bad things in this world today is sin. Sin corrupted everything. And since everyone has sin everyone lives in an imperfect environment and experience pain and suffering and sadness. It is precisely because God loves us that He sent His Son Jesus Christ to die for us and be a sacrifice so that when we believe in Him we are saved from our sins. That way we experience 'the peace that passeth all understanding' and a deep joy that enables us to focus on our one goal: that perfect environment called Heaven. This world is just a passing place. There is life after death. And if we believe in Christ we will have joy everlasting on earth and in heaven. I used to think we were just little puppets but (a) my Sunday School teacher once told me that since we can't create our own world like God can and we are living in God's world after all so we should listen to God and (b) since God is so powerful and YET so loving it just makes sense to trust Him. Take care. I will pray for you.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Monday, July 8, 2002 09:50 p.m.

Made slight changes to my sidebar. Would have done a completely new layout but have decided to wait until Layout Day. Hopefully on the 26th of this month the name of this site will be entirely changed to 'Perfect Peace' as well as a suitable layout found to suit this theme. I hope to add more Christian material as well.

I have decided to stop listening to a1 music. I will read on the bus until I manage to buy batteries for my discman so that I can listen to the Christian cd I got for my dad on Fathers' Day. It's a really nice cd and it has the song 'Perfect Peace'. I managed to find just the correct one. I hear from Jevon that quite a few members from the Youth Choir have got themselves a copy. Perhaps De Wen might like to listen to it. Alanna too even if she prefers metal.

I will be online for a long time tonight talking to a few people hopefully and replying to people's blogs. It's been quite some time since I really sent a personal message to people and I'd really like to let them know how important they are to me. Bear with my long blog entries. :)

I'm thinking of setting up another blog for council just so I get a log specifically dedicated to my term in council. Council is something so different and extraordinary that I'm glad to be a part of it. I hope to get another log for church use so that I can add sermons and useful Christian lessons which I've learnt over the past few weeks. I pray that I will have the energy and discipline to do this. I was initially considering making a website but decided that having a few linked and regularly updated blogs would allow for easier updating. Please pray as I embark on this new endeavour.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Monday, July 8, 2002 09:37 p.m.

I must thank God for this. While I was typing the last entry my Internet seemed to jam up and I was dreading the possibility of losing all the information and having to retype everything especially when I'd spent so much time on it. Still I prayed to God and he answered me. I managed to close the other two open browser windows without affecting the window with my blog (which was quite a miracle because usually when I close one Internet window using Ctrl-Alt-Del all the Internet windows get closed) and also managed to successfully save all the information. Having some problems with the keyboard I couldn't find a way to type more text at first so I just clicked the 'done!' button but thankfully I soon managed to correct the problem and now I'm back here typing where I left off. Praise the Lord!

Congratulations Mei on getting your new computer. I hope you get it fully-functioning soon. :) What is going to happen to your old computer? Yes perhaps I could share your financial woes. I'm trying to spend my money wisely and account for every cent spent. Unfortunately I spent quite a lot today because I went out with Xin Yi but at least I can say that the money was well-spent. I know only too well that certain statements and deeds may not have hurt at first but in the light of present unfavourable circumstances may be too much to bear even if they were well-intentioned. You are too sweet to be eaten Mei! :) And no I am not sick of your SMG layout. In fact I was just remarking to myself today what a great designer you are. Perhaps you could wow us with a new layout even though I'd be perfectly satisfied with the current one. I'm still admiring your BLUE desktop by the way especially the cats and the seemingly pondering good-looking Bloom. Reminds me of a layout I used to want to do for Psychotic Perspectives, something with an element of mind in it. Take care girl. Still thinking of you.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Monday, July 8, 2002 09:09 p.m.

which mr. men/little miss are you?
take the quiz & find out! :)
quiz made by

The Friday Five (taken from Chooi Mei's blog
1. Where are you right now?
At home feeling tired but still going online wondering where De Wen is.

2. What have you lost recently?
My favourite pen!

3. What was the first CD you ever purchased? Does that embarrass you now?
I can't remember. I will not be embarrassed by things. One thing I have learnt from this hiatus is that I will be true to myself and not be afraid to express how I feel. If I believe something is right I will do it. If it turns out to be wrong I will learn from it but not be sorry that I did it because I did it in the best of intentions and it became a stepping stone for me to grow.

4. What is your favorite kind of writing pen?
I have a lot of ballsign pens in different colours. Yet my favourite pen at the moment is a blue ballpoint pen with no apparent brand.

5. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Chocolate. I especially like the Belgium Chocolate flavour at Venezia's. My brother likes strawberry. So much for stereotypes. -wink-

I used to have a crush on a guy called MC. -winks at Mei- In case no one knows this entry and the last one was in response to Mei's blogs. I have too much to say to post on her chatterbox lol.

I wish I could have gone for the lecture on Cold War. I have always been interested in history. About the photocopying I've had quite a few experiences which make me think that Singapore's service ethics really needs to be relooked. The standard of service today in many places is appalling but of course there still are the rare few good-natured willing to help people around.

The Minority Report official site looks pretty good but it takes too long to load. Was just talking to Xin Yi today and she said the movie was given too much hype. Perhaps it's just a case of different tastes and preferences. Glad you enjoyed yourself. Perhaps you look like a blackberry sweet dark and seductive in your own special way. I don't have a good impression of ACJC either.

Perhaps working on Production could be fun. I enjoyed myself because of the people there when I was helping out at the ELDDFS production even though I was really sick on that day. Hope you had a great Youth Day. I spent it with council and had a glorious time.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Monday, July 8, 2002 08:07 p.m.

No! Isn't that awesome? Yay you! You've won the quiz and will be just fine as your tough woman self.

You're the sort who feels that it is your personal duty to see to it that you effectively protect everyone. Something spiritual, material or something in your subconscious, gives you a feeling of 'power' and 'authority' over others, and as such you're quick to assume the position of leader in nearly all situations. This isn't exactly a bad feeling, but it often clouds your ability to easily accept the opinions, judgment and ideas of others. But often time your 'natural' leadership skill pulls through for you and works out in the end, much to the benefit of others. You're a sucker for romance, and as such easily fall for others to whom you're drawn. Such love may be brief and foolish, but once you're there you're hooked. Loss of love is hard for you, but this never once clouds you judgment and ability to be an effective leader. And for cryin' out loud, hook up with Claire. We're all waiting.

What Biohazard character are YOU most like?
quiz by kotoludi

You're the sort who feels that it is your personal duty to see to it that you effectively protect everyone. Something spiritual, material or something in your subconscious, gives you a feeling of 'power' and 'authority' over others, and as such you're quick to assume the position of leader in nearly all situations. This isn't exactly a bad feeling, but it often clouds your ability to easily accept the opinions, judgment and ideas of others. But often time your 'natural' leadership skill pulls through for you and works out in the end, much to the benefit of others. You're a sucker for romance, and as such easily fall for others to whom you're drawn. Such love may be brief and foolish, but once you're there you're hooked. Loss of love is hard for you, but this never once clouds you judgment and ability to be an effective leader. And for cryin' out loud, hook up with Claire. We're all waiting.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Monday, July 8, 2002 06:50 p.m.

How long is a hiatus supposed to be? I admit I went for one for the past few days. I felt I needed time to just be with myself and God and reflect.

Things have changed a lot with me.

Before I find the words to do an update on the last few days of my life, here are some things I'd like to say.

To De Wen:
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did. You're more important to me than what I show. I realise I haven't been considerate enough and I've been selfish. You've borne a huge load of my depression because I see you around and because you care and I just abused you because I had no one and nothing to take out my feelings on.

To jie:
Thanks for your continual encouragement and for treating me as someone important. I haven't treated you well enough.

To my close online friends Mei, Bingz, Christine, Jillz:
I know you're all upset about the things going on in your lives. I'm sorry I couldn't find the words to say to care or post a message in your chatterboxes or guestbooks because I was too caught up in my own problems. Take care and cheer up. I will remember you in my prayers.

To everyone and anyone reading this blog:
Thank you for reading and sharing my problems. Before my short hiatus, I blogged a lot. Thanks for taking the time to read and encourage me, even pray for me. I'm sorry you had to endure my certain periods of angst and depression and if I hurt you in any way by making insensitive remarks I'm sorry. Once again I've been selfish.

As my choir junior said to me yesterday, I haven't smiled for a very long time. I haven't put on a real smile in a really long time. My heart has always had a twinge of sadness and I've been crying in secret, lashing out at the people I love. I'm trying and learning each day and I've learnt a lot in the past few days.

Give me time and pray for me.
I love you all.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Monday, July 8, 2002 05:23 p.m.

Night Sky

For De Wen

Green are the meadows
Pure is the night sky
Cool is the breeze
That blows us by

You take your hand
And place it on mine
Over the night sky
The stars do shine

I feel at peace
When I'm in your arms
Safe and secure
Free from all harm

Kiss me goodnight
And give me a hug
Share all my dreams,
My fears, my heart

And take my love, dear
I give you my heart
I'll love you forever
Forever...
Under this night sky
This night sky
This pure night sky

I wrote this song on the bus coming home today, improvising on an existing melody. I wrote the chords to this song the moment I reached home.

Esther spread her wings and flew on Monday, July 8, 2002 05:19 p.m.

Two things to say.

a) I am not going for a hiatus even when I'm depressed is because blogging has become something which is necessary to me. It's something I have principled to do.

b) Heard the councillors practising for Tapestry in the council room. The song was great and the singing was fantastic even if the drum was a little too loud. I really wish I could be a part of it. Still with my present problems and commitments I'm basically not avoiding jobs but staying away from new things that I need not do. All the best for the 2 council bands as well as Technical Fault! You go people! :)

I am SO tired. I think I will read Chicken Soup for the Soul b