Thank you God for giving me the energy to complete the quizzes that I so love to do, and with DW too, so that I may discover more about myself and the common things the two of us share, and that I stayed awake through all the council sms exchanges. My handphone was of vital importance in the past few hours, as I had to settle work session/full dress rehearsal details with Yuting, Sharon, the backstage crew, emcees and the rest of my committee. Praise God for handphones.
Tomorrow is a busy day, but I am looking forward to it. The timetable is as follows:
0400: Wake up, do Geography and Economics NIA MCQ .2
Thank God for clarity of thought and prior experience. Pray for health, strength, perseverence, clarity of thought (my lack of sleep is making me very confused nowadays) and the support of the emcees, CCAs, PA/AVA, partners, committee members and teachers.
Grace be with you all.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:47 p.m.
Seven random facts about yourself:
Six of your random favourite belongings:
Five people you would love to meet:
Four people whom you wish were dead:
Three names you would give your future children:
Two random sources of musical inspiration:
One thing that you would like to find in the journey of life:
(Taken from Alanna's blog)
This quiz requires the first responses to the shown words.
1. health - tiredness
1. If you could eat dinner with any three people (alive dead or ficticious) who would they be?
2. Why did the chicken cross the road?
3. What kind of music do you like?
4. How many times do you shower a day?
5. Is there a god?
6. What's your favorite movie?
7. When was the last time you had sex?
8. What's your biggest fear?
9. Do you want to talk?
10. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
11. Do you like it rough?
12. What is your passion?
13. Top or bottom?
14. Who are you in the dark?
15. If you could be any famous person shagging another famous person, who would you be and just who would you be shagging?
16. Have you ever made up a word that you'd love to see in the dictionary one day? What's the word? What does it mean?
17. Would you rather have your toes sucked or your fingers licked? Why?
18. If you could solve a problem in this world, which one would you solve?
19. If you are a box of cereal, what kind of cereal are you?
20. Name, Age, Sex and Location?
21. Any other great questions to ask?
1. Please tell me your age, general location, preferred psychological disorder, and number of times you've gone to the bathroom today.
2. Do you Yahoo!?
3. Have you ever done something viewed as morally or legally wrong, but completely and totally necessary?
4. Is anyone in your family an obsessive History channel watcher? Are they under the age of 18? Is it possible they know my brother?
5. What do you think of when you think of sporks? If you don't normally think of them, think of them now.
6. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
7. Singing in the rain. Tons of fun or a sure way to a slow and painful death from pneumonia?
8. What is your stance on the legalization of marijuana?
9. My 8th grade English teacher was convinced that the missions to the moon were all faked by using movie making technology. What do you think?
10. World peace. Possible, impossible, or your favourite breakfast cereal?
11. Really, what is your favourite breakfast cereal?
12. Politics. Are you into them, bored to death by them, or somewhere in between? Why?
Somewhere in between, closer to the former.
13. If the guy or girl of your dreams suddenly fell through the roof onto your bed and consequently suffered amnesia, what would you do?
14. If death were impending, would you look into the light?
Yes.
15. Fill in the blanks. "Sometimes (blank) decides to (blank) me and i really (blank) it, especially when (blank) uses ice cream."
16. Define humiliation or extreme embarrassment by using an experience from your life.
17. Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?
18. Do you know the muffin man?
19. What's the strangest thing that you've ever put in your pockets?
20. Finally, what's your favourite quote from a song or poem?
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:14 p.m.
There was the Maths tutorial, which I conveniently chucked aside simply because I didn't have much of an inclination towards doing it. I desired sleep, but although my mind and body were wearied with exhaustion I could find no rest. I wanted to go online as I hadn't had a real go at the computer for an irritatingly long period of time.
As I tossed in futility as sleep stayed far and a lingering sense of wakefulness stole much coveted repose from me, I was abruptly struck with dread of all dreads. I had missed Layout Day although I had painstakingly brainstormed for ideas and traversed through files upon files of images all over the World Wide Web. Somehow, I decided to embark upon this overdue task of getting my website out of this sticky mire of procrastination and revamp its look without further ado. Time pressed close, threatening like an overhanging shroud, but the image I had found earlier did not satisfy me enough, and I searched for another. It was a sordid affair, wanting to do the best yet having a mental block in the wee hours of morning and forced to churn something of sorts out at least by the time I was due for school.
But I am pleased. Very pleased. It's not the typical Valentine's Day layout, in fact, the design thereof was greatly influenced by the depression and withdrawal that have plagued me for days and weeks, but the effect has met my personal cravings of expression. Initially a pang of apprehension hit me as I felt a slight sense of loneliness at straying from the usual Christian layouts of my preference, but this layout, one of darkness and bold stunning beauty, came out the right way. I was haunted by the protective pose behind the elegance, the eyebrows shaped into a frown, with eyes that pool of disturbance and unhappiness; these are part of her, features of beauty, and as she stands in the shadow the light shines on her and her beloved whispers, 'Arise and come with me'.
Truly it takes a special person to ignite the flame in our hearts, to remind us what is love. And as the title suggests, 'Come what may', love still prevails. The words 'Set me like a seal on your heart' are taken from Michael Card's Arise My Love, based on the Song of Solomon of the Bible. 'For love must always have the victory' ~Cross of Glory | Michael Card. I chose to use Moulin Rouge not only because it speaks of 'Truth, Beauty, Freedom, Love' but closer to heart, simply because my beloved loves it and will remember me. This layout is dedicated to you, Dewey, for all the love you have shown me, and because I love you.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 04:09 p.m.
Your score is 32/50.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:01 p.m.
Good evening, mortals, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Sauron, the Lord of the Rings.
Caught the title, did you? I should expect so. Most of you idiots might remember the title to the movie with Frodo, Legolas, and/or Aragorn in it. Which is why we're going to have a little conversation.
*I* am the Lord of the Rings. Not some midget with hairy feet and blue eyes the size of saucer plates. Not some pretty boy with pointy ears and a blond wig. Not some loser king-turned-ranger-turned-king badly in need of a haircut and a shave. Me. Sauron. The Deceiver. The real honest-to-Tolkien Lord of the Rings.
I don't mean to complain. I'm glad you came to see my movie. But you seem to have lost focus. The bloody movie is named after ME!! It's not "Midget Carrying A Ring," or "Cute Elf Boy," or "Sexy Ranger." It's "Lord of the Rings." If it was about one of the above, I'm sure they would have renamed it to "The Ringbearer," or some other flowery title.
I am *sick* and *tired* of you little fangirls (and a few of the fanboys) going on about how cute Frodo was. Or how hot Legolas was. Or how sexy Aragorn was. Are they the real stars of the movie? No. I am. Without *me*, there would be no movie!!
Without a doubt, *I* am the most important character in the movie. Middle Earth depends on me to oppress it and wreak havoc and evil. Do you have any idea how hard it is to corrupt, taint, destroy, and ruin *everything* you touch? It's not easy, let me tell you. It's hard work being an overlord of evil! I have all these evil plans to concoct, and there's a lot of appearances to be made. I hardly get any sleep, what with having to keep an eye out for everything those idiots do to try and thwart me.
But do I have any fangirls? Do I have ridiculous girls who collect images of me, and devote entire shrines to how sexy I am? Do I get any appreciation? No. I am unloved, uncared for, and in the end, I have to die, just to make the heroes look good. Would you even appreciate Frodo completely if it
weren't for *my* ring? Would you like Legolas so much if
I didn't provide his targets for him to show off with a bow? Would you think Aragorn was so sexy if he never had to draw his sword and fight off my minions? Would you have liked the movie as much if I didn't arrange for the dramatic deaths of at least two characters? If it weren't for me, there'd be no movie.
Now, I know I don't have a pretty face and long, blond hair. Or big blue eyes and a sensitive face. Or smoldering green eyes and classic good looks. But a little appreciation would be nice. What about my lidless eye,
wreathed in flames, eh? Now that's cool. Does Frodo have a lidless eye wreathed in flames? I think not. Hell, he can barely keep his eyes symmetrical without photo manipulation. And what about my cool metal suit of armor? Does Legolas have a suit of intimidating armor? No, he doesn't.
All he has is some frippy Elf clothing, and stupid braids. And he walks like a girl. And what about my piece d' resistance? The One Ring? Does Aragorn have the One Ring at any point of the movie? No, he's so scared of it, he sends off the little hobbit like a coward. And he spends more time touching Legolas and Boromir in that movie than Arwen. (Wonder what *that's* all about, eh?)
Obviously, I have some interesting qualities I feel are overlooked. All you fangirls (and fanboys) need to stop drooling after Frodo, Legolas, and Aragorn. Stop it with the obsession!! You're losing focus for the movie!! Do
you think Tolkien created those characters so you could chase after them in your sexual fantasies? I think not. The old bastard was way too interested in cross-dressing women to create male fantasies for you. *I* am the star of the show. And I want to be loved for what I am, and what I do!!
I mean, look at yourselves. Just *look* at what you've turned into. Instead of appreciating the film, the books, or even the important message behind the story (don't steal other people's jewelry), you chase after the male characters in the story. I've even seen shrines to Boromir. Boromir!! He bloody well died, you know!! The loser practically tried to rip Frodo limb-from-limb to get the
ring, and yet, you appreciate *him*, just because he tried to save those idiots, Merry and Pippin. The fools got everyone in trouble more times than *I* did in the film, and you still like *them*. I barely had to do *any* evil in
the first movie. Pippin was doing a rather nice job of it all by himself.
Take the scribe of my message, J. Marie, for instance. The fool girl has a shrine to naked Viggo Mortenson pictures on her hard drive. Now that's sad. She has filled up folders of precious memory with pictures of Orlando Bloom. She's
wasted countless hours agonizing over writing fanfiction (about Aragorn and Legolas, no less). She's seen the movie *six* times, with no end in sight as of this writing, simply so she can drool over Aragorn and Legolas. It's
pathetic, I tell you.
Where are my shrines? Why does she go to the bathroom during the parts of the movie before Aragorn shows up? Why does she concern herself with the pizza grease on her hands during *my* scenes, yet didn't even notice her brother spilling Pepsi all over her pants when Aragorn was fighting the Nazgul? It's unfair.
She'll quote you *Gollum* before she can mention anything that I have done to make this film great. She just shrugs and tells all her friends she hopes Aragorn gets a nude scene in the next movie!! How degrading!!
And where were *my* Oscar nominations?? Nobody would care about Gandalf if it weren't for *me*!! He'd be nothing without *me* to define him!! It's an injustice!!!
And don't even get me started on the fanfiction. Where's my sex scenes? (I'm a lover, not a fighter, you know.) My thoughts and angst?? Where's my slash moments (I personally think that Gandalf and I need to get the hook-up), or the times when I kidnap Arwen from Aragorn? Where's the Mary
Sues that try to get *me* to marry them? I'll have you know I have some very nice love poetry stored up for just that occasion. It's always about Aragorn, Legolas, or Frodo!! I'm asking for some focus here. For people to recognize that the Lord of the Rings is about ME. The Lord of the Rings. Not the ranger who needs to shave. Not the Elf who looks like a girl at a distance. And certainly not some
computer-midget-sized hobbit with eyes too big for his face. I'll get him. And his little dog, too.
I *demand* equal rights. I want web shrines, folders full of images of me on your hard drive, people paying eight bucks a pop just to see *me* on screen repeatedly, fanfiction, love scenes, Mary Sue fics, grand kidnapping
the damsel scenes, horrific storylines, and angst-filled stories!! I *am* the Lord of the Rings!! It's all about ME!! ME!!! MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
SAURON - THE LORD OF THE RINGS
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 07:25 p.m.
But because today I didn't feel obviously physically sick like last Tuesday, I didn't see a legitimate reason in skipping school. I was touched when both my parents came on different occasions to my room. My father came in first, and straight to my bed, and I could see he was concerned about me, and my mother came later (just now she called me up too to ask how I was and tell me about lunch). Think my parents are very concerned, haven't seen this before/for a long time though. I wonder why. Maybe it's all the coming home late, and the obvious tiredness. When I was out with my parents on Sunday night, they caught me yawning at 9 and my dad was saying, 'see she's tired', and my mom was saying, 'Of course she is. Look at what time she wakes up.' Of course she doesn't really know that there are some times I wake up earlier and sleep later but that's not the point.
Anyway now I'm really glad that I'm at home 'cos the thing came today and my abdomen is hurting. And my head is feeling bad. I think since I ate cereal (for once) for breakfast just ('cos I just woke up) I will eat a late lunch. I'm not feeling good, and yawning again. I want to lie down.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 01:14 p.m.
Haven't updated for quite a while, simply because I've been very busy of late.
Still catching up on undone holiday homework and (home)work missed during the Orientation period. GP Issues and Ideas is 10/13 done and the Econs holiday homework has been completed and handed in. Econs tutorial was only a little done but the bulk of it was discussed when I was absent and I managed to attend the discussion on the data response. The last few Econs tutorials have been spent discussing outlines for essay questions. I have had no time to do my own preparatory work, but my Econs teacher has been very understanding, and I pay a lot of attention during Econs and copy down the model essay outlines flashed on the overhead projector, as well as take down my own notes. I have been quite attentive during Econs lectures too. National Income Determination is very interesting, although Macroeconomics looks a lot more challenging than the Microeconomics topics we did in J1. There will be an Econs test (timed assignment) on National Income Accounting on Thursday. I really hope I will do well. I just need time to really study.
I didn't do the Curve Sketching tutorial questions but they were discussed during O1, so they aren't required at present. I'm not going to do them because I have other things to rush. Permutations and Combinations went well. I think this is one of my best topics because I'm able to think logically and do the questions. It was a great morale boost when I managed to get 8/10 on the two questions Mr. Yeow gave us as he said they were two of the most difficult P&C questions he could find in the past Prelim papers. I believe the fact that I had some time to actually sit down and work through the entire tutorial on my own, as well as approach DW with some of my difficulties, helped a lot. I need to have time to do the tutorial so that I am prepared in class and can spend most of the time analysing the solutions on the board instead of frantically copying them for reference. Even if I copy them for reference, I usually have no time to go back and understand them and by the time I finish copying the solutions I don't get enough time to read them over. I was supposed to have a Maths retest on Saturday because I failed Maths last year, but I haven't taken it yet because I had a Geography field trip on Saturday. I hope I won't have to take it anytime soon, because I simply can't find the time to study for it. We're doing Vectors now, and I'm able to keep up with my tutorials, only I wasn't prepared for class today because I stayed late in school yesterday to help hang the CNY banner and only got home at 9.
The class did an essay for Lit PC during O1, and I was given the homework on Friday, deadline Monday. I was shocked when I looked at the poem I had to analyse at first, because it didn't make much sense (it was by W. H. Auden by the way) but after a while all the thoughts just came to me and I scribbled the entire poem over with notes. It felt good to analyse the poem. I put in a lot of effort into the essay too, in thinking of just the right phrasing, and the best words to use. Although I didn't manage to finish the work within 1 and a 1/2 hours (I did analyse the whole poem but only managed to write my answer in 1 and a 1/2 pages i.e. write an analysis on just a little less than half of the poem), I am proud of that piece of work because it was to me, a very good effort. I cried on Monday because my teacher wouldn't give me an extension. I really had no time to do the work, and would have done a really good piece (or so I think) if I had the time to finish it up. I cried during Econs lecture so I missed the first period, then I got a headache from the crying and wanted to go lie down in the sick bay but after a long debate I decided to go back for lecture because of my principles and also because I didn't want to have to explain myself to the teacher. My friends were very encouraging. I really appreciate Jamie, Cheryl and Sanny a lot. They've been very encouraging lately, which I am very grateful for because I have so many things to do I'm often stressed, tired and down. We're doing Christina Rossetti's poems for Lit now, as well as Othello and Pinter. They look very interesting, and I'm enjoying my Lit lessons. Rossetti's poems are beautiful, though sometimes sad. I love poems that rhyme. The collection of poems that everyone in the class has is also a very beautiful book with a nice cover (picture and material).
We're doing Urban Geography now, studying urbanisation in the EMDCs and ELDCs (economically more/less developed countries). This, too, is very interesting, even though I find myself self-injuring during Geography lessons because somehow I just can't sit still, although I'm scribbling notes. In addition, we're studying River Hydrology, which is also interesting. Lessons are fun in all subjects. If only I had time to read the readings, do the tutorials and study harder. I didn't have any Geography holiday homework and there aren't many tutorials to be done. I've been following the tutorials in class, so Geography is pretty ok with me. We had a Geography field trip on Saturday which I enjoyed a lot. I made a new friend Pierre - he's my group leader for all Geography field trips -. It was nice sketching the rocks and studying the structure and weathering/erosion of the landforms. We visited Bukit Batok Dairy Farm (it has nothing to do with cows or milk, in fact, what we did was study the rocks at the bottom of the Bukit Timah hill) and Little Guilin. Wen Jie can sketch very well! I am quite bad at sketching, but it was only my first try, and after some help from Wen Jie, my Little Guilin sketch was much better than the Bukit Batok one. Travelling with Wen Jie is wonderful. She's a very nice friend to have, and I really appreciated being able to share my Michael Card music with her. She had a stomachache though so she wasn't feeling very well. I was very tired, and throughout the trip I was brainstorming on the design for the CNY website.
GP has been ok. I've been keeping a cold distance from my teachers, and I'm not really interacting with my classmates. It's not their fault, it's just that I've set up a lot of barriers around myself. Still, I get a lot of ideas during GP, and I jot them down on paper even if I don't share (I share some ideas, but not all). I don't like speaking too much, it makes me feel like a smart aleck. My GP tutor is irritating, and she doesn't look like a very wide reader because she keeps repeating quotes. I feel hurt that quotes by famous authors (e.g. E. M. Forster) are being degraded in this way. I'm learning to ignore my GP tutor even though I will approach her for -academic- help and contribute to discussions. I was very frustrated that she scolded Pei Zhen today. I think she picks on Pei Zhen unreasonably. Still, there's nothing I can do but make things worse, and I have no time to bother about her (GP tutor, I mean). Today I was the last one to leave the class because I took so long to pack my bag but when I finished I just swung my bag onto my shoulder and left the class. I don't want to look at my GP tutor.
Things are going at a very fast pace academically. I'm trying my best to pay attention. I didn't pay attention during one Maths lecture because I was stressed and just had to write a letter to my angel (later I wrote one to my mortal). I have been clocking very little sleep since the beginning of the year and am very tired, but I don't expect my juniors nor my classmates to understand (this is not said with anger or resignation, but just stated as a fact). I don't think many people understand me. I don't want my juniors to be disappointed that I don't write or my classmates to tease me because I apparently treat my juniors badly. It hurts when my classmates and juniors have exchanged so many letters and gifts, and when their letters look so good while mine looks like an answer to a functional writing question, simply because my letter-writing style (even for personal letters) is very formal and professional. I wonder why my juniors haven't replied my letters yet though, maybe they dropped me, I don't know. I am eager to get their replies and reply to their letters, and I will make an effort to reply, it's just that I have very serious time constraints. I've been proud of the way I've managed my work, both council and academically, but I am very tired and sometimes when things get too tough, I break down in school. (Yes, I still cry every day, amazingly so, and no, I do not induce tears.)
I've been very involved in council work and virtually every day is taken up with council. Went for work session on Wednesday and Saturday. I feel disillusioned whenever I go for work sessions and my cheering sounds hollow sometimes because I feel that there is a serious Law of Diminishing Marginal Returns taking place during council work sessions, during which of course the bulk of the council works, but after a while only certain people work very hard while others have nothing to do because the work is done. It hurts to see 10 people fighting to paint just a little board. I feel that if people aren't needed for a work session anymore, they shouldn't stay for hours more just because others are working and wait. Let others work. The next time the rest of us will work late. Sometimes I work late too out of my own will (even when I can go home earlier) because I can help and so that the few people involved in the work can go home earlier. When I am free, I usually cut up spare cardboard or plastic to make things for the councillors. The last work session I cut their names out on cardboard and presented these to them. I remember the previous time I did some cuttings as well and decorated them using crayons. It is really quite fun to do these. Emcee auditions were supposed to be conducted on Thursday but Zhiming was sick so we postponed it to Friday for a more fair assessment of the candidates. We held another one on Monday as some couldn't make it on Friday, and also to draw in more candidates who had not auditioned earlier. The emcees have been chosen and I'm pleased with the decision. It was great calling them up and hearing their cheerful voices, and unknowingly the two emcees that we picked (they auditioned separately on two different days) happened to be good, if not best, friends and were more than happy to work with each other. Wen Hui has been busy with his faculty activities but he and Zhiming managed to sew 14 banner cloths for the CTs. I didn't help in the sewing, in fact, I did the letters, programme and most of the emcee work (though mine was mostly planning, writing, coordinating and assisting, i.e. behind the scenes work). Zhiming did the auditioning i.e. asking of questions and most of the talking. I'm glad, because I've been doing what I like/am good at. I love written reports/proposals/letters. I'll be doing the programme booklet samples tomorrow morning because I forgot to do them today and I just found out late yesterday night that I had to have them out tomorrow latest. CNY website is nearly completed. I am very proud of myself, because I did the planning of content, background (which consists of two backgrounds because the website will be in frames) and the title images for the various pages, as well as the writing/typing/editing of most of the pages. Ramnik did the Street Market (which I must say was a really good job) and the elaboration on the performances (which I heavily edited not because it wasn't good but because I just didn't like it). The CNY website will be very informative simply because it is my style to include a lot of information on websites. I can see my style reflected in this website, and I sometimes laugh because I just am too professional (I cannot be informal). I am proud of my work, because I enjoyed it, because I worked hard on it, and because it wasn't easy. The fact that I was just given the task 'Do the CNY website' and managed to think of what to write and how to design was amazing, and I thank God for it. I just hope I didn't take most of the job from Ramnik, but then again she's been really busy, especially with Eleco. All that needs to be done is the Information page, and the Foreword (which I asked Yuting to write) and the Happy Chinese New Year graphic. The site looks spiffy! I hope I can get some time off work session tomorrow to continue doing it. If not, I will have to work with my personal time (which I don't get a lot of - I got let off at 1.35p.m. today so I managed to do much work -).
On the whole I've appreciated the support of my friends, and am amazed at how I've survived each day, what with the work and all, and my days packed from early morning until evening. Tomorrow's work session, Friday's General Meeting, and Saturday's another work session. I shouldn't be concerned about this at this time, but I can't help being reminded that the 26th is Layout Day. I have an idea for the layout already. I just need to keep my cool about all the work, TRY to get enough rest (perhaps actually pluck up the courage to talk to a teacher - Mr. Yeow - about certain constraints) and maintain my principles. I'm proud to note I haven't skipped a single P.E. session (even when I'm sick and my classmates are surprised) and I have attended every single lesson. I feel like going to the sick bay sometimes, and sometimes I get so tired I steal time from CT session (when Mr. Yeow declares free time) to sleep, other times I feel like getting an OCP or just skipping school because I'm too tired (I woke up one hour later than I normally do today, although I was still in time for school, just in time), but moral responsibility and the idea that I must work hard push me on. I'm not doing well enough, and I need to do well, especially in Maths because I failed last year. I hope I don't burn out.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:29 p.m.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 07:55 p.m.
Doctor says I'm going to be sick for the next few days. Gave me an MC for today and tomorrow. Not happy. Want to go to school. Missed too many lessons already, besides, tomorrow for once I end early at 1.35p.m. and there's no council.
Won't be involved in the CNY emcee auditions announcement. Though it's not a very big deal I feel bad that I'm not there to help out. I'm thankful earlier today during break I decided to do the emcee sign-up sheet though so at least I've done something. Will sms Zhiming later about this.
Doctor's main reason for tomorrow's MC was 'cos the medicine would be drowsy. I feel sick and my nose hurts 'cos it's peeling. Just took medicine so should be knocked out soon. ARGH. Very frustrated. I hate being sick.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:16 p.m.
This is the worse level of sickness I've been in since June. I was very frustrated today 'cos I was trying to study, and one minute I was freezing, the next sweating, and sneezing uncontrollably and having a runny nose all the time. I wanted to get an OCP and go home from school earlier but I did want to get serious, study, and catch up with my work, so I decided to only skip work session. Besides, I did miss quite a lot of lessons due to Orientation. I was quite proud of myself for paying attention, taking down notes, asking questions and basically following each lesson and making sure I understood it.
I tried to take things lightly today, not to worry so much about my homework and instead just put in my effort whenever I could, that way I wouldn't stress myself out. I ate a healthy lunch and made pleasant talk with my friends too. Today my classmates were really nice, and I met some councillors along the way (e.g. Aishu, Ramnik, Xingyi, Joel, Meina, Kelvin, Ailin) who were also very nice. I was especially touched that people told me to take care 'cos I hadn't been this sick for a long time. I felt better too 'cos quite a few teachers were nice to me today, even though I don't trust Mrs. Ang anymore. It seems that the DW-Esther scandal is known by a lot more teachers than I realise but at least my teachers aren't being prejudiced about it. I was very shy and quiet (though still able to smile shyly) today. I'm retreating into myself again.
I nearly fell asleep during a number of occasions but I managed to survive the day, thank God. I was very frustrated that some of my classmates blatantly chatted and slept during Reading Period because here I was making so much effort to be a good student. I cheered up a lot when I saw my juniors though. They are so nice! Meeting them at different points of the day makes me happy. :) One girl wants to join council too. I feel my juniors bring out the best in me, and I don't want to appear sick or sad in front of them. I want to always be friendly, cheerful, approachable, encouraging and reliable around them and I will never say a mean word to them 'cos I feel that is the responsibility of a senior. My juniors make being a senior so fun. Love 03A11. ^_^ I think the morning helped a lot because I listened to an entire cd of Michael Card and then read a little more than 2 chapters of Job, and prayed. I felt better about myself, and I didn't feel so far from God. Thank God for drawing Himself to me.
I just missed going to the polyclinic before it closed at 4.30p.m. so I'll most probably get my mom to take me to the doctor tonight. I don't like the idea of going out again just after I've bathed (now I'm blogging because I'm waiting for my hair to get drier - I don't mind sleeping with slightly damp hair but not wet hair -) but I need an MC for council (although I think a parents' letter might be ok) and besides I'm really sick this time so I really should go see a doctor. I just hope my parents don't start nagging about the state of my room being the cause of me falling sick.
Tomorrow's GP. I don't look forward to it. But then again, my day ends at 1.35p.m. tomorrow so thank God it's a short day for me to recuperate (I hope that the medicine will not be too drowsy too 'cos the last period -GP- might see me writing an essay).
My nose is peeling and I'm tired. Good night. I'm going to bed.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:27 p.m.
Got lots of sermon/Sunday School notes waiting to be posted too.
V. tired. Didn't touch school work at all. I have no clue what's going to happen tomorrow besides a little inkling of Maths and Econs. School's going to end at 3.40a.m.. (pretty early for me) then I have council from 4-6 (hopefully it's kept to that time). I've been 'resting' the weekend so I do hope I plunge into school mood from tomorrow morning. I'm waking up at 5, so that I'll pack my stuff and be in school by 6.30a.m.. That was my usual time during Orientation. Maybe I should keep it that way.
Many ideas popped into my head when reading your blogs, and when conversing with people but I refuse to argue. Have your own ideas and let me have mine. I thank De Wen for bearing with me and for staying with me throughout everything, the scoldings, the swearings, the name-calling, and at the end of it all we wrote a nice love poem together. ^_^ God bless me for I don't deserve a person like him.
I'm going to sleep now. Tired.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:46 p.m.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 07:04 p.m.
You speak like Sean A.! I will now label you loving, clingy , and downright nice.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:56 p.m.
I cried during church today. I couldn't sing the hymns because I lost my voice during O1, and even though the hymns spoke of Jesus and the joy we find in Him I felt that I was 'coldly mouth[ing] Your words' (Know You In The Now ~ Michael Card). I did not have the joy I found in singing, nor could I vent everything in belting out music loudly, strongly, and at a high pitch. Besides that, as I had come to church with a very burdened heart, I felt very far from God, and although I tried to pray I felt that my prayer was superficial, that I was only coming to God in a time of need. I was confused, and I couldn't think clearly.
Sunday School was ok though I really hated it that I had difficulty speaking because of my lost voice. Rachel didn't come for church today though, and I didn't really feel like talking to the others either 'cos I couldn't speak properly and because I was plainly in a bad mood. Xin Yi didn't want to join me for lunch so I went for LJS with extra chili by myself.
I had an argument with my parents yesterday, something we don't normally have. I agree with my side though. I don't understand my parents' viewpoint. It seems also that my parents have found out about DW, and I don't like it.
I feel very wronged. I feel that my integrity and my principls have been insulted, and that my moral standard has been put to shame, all because a few teachers accused me of doing something disgusting. I feel that they are pinpointing me just because my relationship with DW is not low profile, and because I am a councillor.
People are being very irritating. My parents especially, are scolding me because of my bad attitude, my messy room etc. It seems no one trusts me or my judgement anymore. I've always been a good person, or so I thought, but somehow people seem to be against me. I still hurt from my GP tutor's scorns.
Besides that my holiday homework or other homework isn't done.
'So deafly they listen, so blindly they see' (Job Suite ~ Michael Card)
No one sees or hears the tears that I cry, the wads of tissue in the toilet. No one really bothers to listen. I talked to jie just now. Thought I could find comfort but I didn't. It's not her fault. Maybe it's just me.
I just want to be left alone. Maybe all this has shown me that what I need is God. Because I -am- retreating into my own shell right now, I have no heart to argue with others anymore, and I shall accept any blows that come my way because I am just too tired of everything. Maybe only the omnipotent, omniscient God whom I've been avoiding understands and is waiting for me to call upon Him.
I feel like Job now, without friends, and with so many plaguing problems, only I don't dare to be so self-righteous. People are all plain mean, and I don't think they care.
I am letting my professionalism cover up for me in council so I won't mope and groan then. Today I tried to slash myself on the arms but when I lightly pressed the knife into my skin and made a small slash, I didn't even draw blood before I was rubbing my arm in pain.
Leave me. Just leave me.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:42 p.m.
Name: Chin Ying Wei Esther
What does your journal name mean:
Four things about you:
[out of school]
[in school]
Four things that scare you:
Four things that make you laugh/smile:
Four things you love:
Four things you hate:
Four things you don't understand:
Four things on your desk:
Right now you are:
Four things you plan to do before you die:
Four things you can do:
Four Things You Can't Do:
Four People You Want To Meet:
Top four songs people should give a listen:
Top four movies you watch all the time:
Top four things you say the most:
Top four most beautiful memories:
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:14 p.m.
In the previous post, which was typed out in quite a rush due to my fatigue, I forgot to thank Aishu, my best friend in council, Ailin my mommy, and Raining for being a junior whom I knew right from the start of O1.
Was plagued with confused dreams the whole night, including one about the master self-injury, and I didn't feel good in the lower area. I'm still facing a lot of problems. Was discussing them with DW but he got disconnected. Maybe I'll stay online for a while then go back to sleep. Very tired.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:49 a.m.
Orientation was good, and my juniors (as well as other J1s) rocked! :) I made a lot of friends, and tonight (campfire night) my dance partner Wen Jie and I were shouting ourselves mad when we stated the commands, plus I was screaming too. I tried to be enthusiastic. I must say (even if I won't elaborate) that my dance partner rocks! The 29th rocks! O1 com rocks! Orientation rocks!
Orientation had its frustrations, but I learnt a lot from it and enjoyed myself greatly. At the end of it, there was much emotion among the councillors, especially the girls, and I teared but didn't make it obvious. Later when people were openly crying, I left, and I cried with only DW for company, one big breakdown. I managed to escape the council and the teachers, and comfort others too, before I started really crying. Unfortunately some councillors were coming to the bus stop, including Mrs. Toh, but I managed to smile, then DW did something really thoughtful, something which I wanted to do; he asked me if I wanted to go to the next bus stop. I said I did, so we walked there. Some J1s did look at me while I was crying at the previous bus stop though. Cried all the way home, and talked a bit, but not much because I was very tired and felt very helpless. I don't know what I can do. Mrs. Ang and Mr. Yeow scolded me, and apparently a lot of teachers have negative impressions of me, which is something I'm not used to because I try to be good, even if I can be a bit wilful and crazy at times.
I want to thank God for answering my prayers, helping me get through O1 even with things bothering me. I tried very hard to be enthusiastic, and not to state my feelings. I didn't let my frustrations show, nor my tiredness, nor my fatigue, nor my fear. I did everything and I worked, for the sake of O1 and my friends. My junior Justin was right. It's the attitude. I wish him all the best in his cross-country meet tomorrow. I want to thank DW for pulling me back from an oncoming car, because I just walked straight into it even though I saw it. I don't know what went through my mind that instant, but I was one crying zombie headed straight for death, or nothing at all. I thank him also for the comfort, the listening and for waiting for me and walking me home. I thank Shu Ying for the hug, all my juniors for their smiles and enthusiasm, and their support. I thank the councillors, Nat especially for giving me hugs, Hai Han and Sean too. I thank Wen Jie for being a great dance partner.
A lot of things are troubling me, but I really can't be bothered to think so much now. There are good things after all, and O1 will still be a very good memory which I will take with me at the end of my council term. Good night.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:49 a.m.
Orientation has been good, and I really love my juniors and am proud of them. I've also been thankful for the opportunities given to me to lead and teach, and self-evaluate. On the whole I think I've done a pretty good job, but hopefully I don't look too attention-seeking, because that was not my aim. I realise also that I like coordinating, liaising, organising and teaching.
But Orientation has its frustrations too. The working with other councillors was sometimes difficult (though I did have my share of good times), my voice is hoarse and still hasn't recovered (though I have been dunking water and other liquids), I am significantly darker and sunburnt, and I have been going home very late, and tired. The first few days of Orientation, I slept on the bus from school only, then today I slept on the bus to and from school, and from school when I was holding my handphone in my left hand, I was actually so tired my muscles went weak and my handphone dropped. My legs and feet are aching very badly, and I've been experiencing frequent backaches too. Right now my left foot is hurting significantly. Also, I've got 4 cuts on my right hand and 1 deeper cut on my left first finger, the latter of which hurts very badly on contact with water, making bathing a very difficult and painful experience. For the past few days I've come home and slept as soon as I can, without bathing sometimes, leaving the bathing only until the morning so that I can sleep without waiting for my hair to dry. In addition, I also have to cope with emotions relating to my juniors (03A11) and the juniors (J1) in general, especially when the latter's enthusiasm is quite low and very frustrating. Sometimes I really hate it when the councillors waste time too or act insensitively but I have to remember that everyone is human.
I've been experiencing problems in many areas, and I need someone to talk to, but I can't talk to DW. Maybe council would be a good place to find a confidante but I don't want to cry in front of them because even though I'm closer to them, I'm still not close enough with them to cry in front of them. I need someone who has been attached, and who can listen.
I don't really want to talk. I'm very tired but I'm online now because (a) I need to vent a bit (b) my hair is wet. The councillors are very tired too, and some are getting frustrated and distracted already. I saw from my dance today that I was distracted too because I was physically tired and couldn't dance, mentally tired so I couldn't really concentrate and frustrated that we had to keep dancing over and over again.
I love council. The problem right now is not with council. It's with other things.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:22 p.m.
I'm really tired though, so once I finish this conversation with DW I'm going to bed. I just remembered some things and talked about them.
Thanks for your encouragement, Raining. I'm really proud and honoured to have you as a sister and friend. Really.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:10 p.m.
Today was a pretty good day. Meeting and leading the juniors was great fun, and my classmates were nice too. Lessons were good, and ego-boosting too, and I did enjoy learning Maths and Economics today. Besides, I wrote a parody of Michael Card's Under The Sun which DW said was impressive. After meeting the juniors together with my class, I watched DW play Wacko with his class then went out for Simply Bread toast and Coffee Bean Ultimate. The toast was fabulous and it was a nice surprise to meet both Xin Yi and Raining at Guthrie House. Council was up next, and I did my best, but after a while I was disheartened to note that we were experiencing what I felt was the Law of Diminishing Marginal Returns as there weren't any opportunities for helping anymore. I just hung around the council area and talked to DW. Felt a bit slack and was afraid that people might understand, even though I know that I am blameless. DW says I did no wrong, but I remember this verse in the Bible which states that I shouldn't even do something that stumbles others. If it gives cause for people to misunderstand, I should not do it. But given my mood then, I just needed to sit down and talk, and although I didn't exactly put words into what I was feeling, I did manage to share. Dinner was at Simply Bread, toast and wholemeal bread, accompanied by Cold Storage coke. I appreciated DW a lot tonight, for being there, for taking away the scissors when I wanted to cut myself, and for just assuring me that things were all right.
I wasn't in a good mood, and although I tried to mask it somewhat, some of the bad mood leaked and I was afraid that people might notice. All I wanted to do was to just hide in a hole, put down my head and cry, but I didn't want to do it during council.
I say I feel misunderstood because I think that no one really understands how I feel about things. DW knows a lot, and Xin Yi knows somewhat, but a lot of people probably think I'm just a cool funky person. They don't know what bothers me and upsets me at all. I probably won't share either. I share my convictions and feelings towards certain things readily, but ultimately I don't share what really bothers me because people just won't understand. They just won't. People laugh, and it hurts. (No, it's got nothing to do with the sexual jokes. I had a lot of fun making them, and I really laughed because I was entertained and was proud of the way I could just make everything that came out of my mouth have a sexual connotation. It takes someone who can manipulate words, someone with a relatively high standard of intelligence to see things and to interpret and suggest.) Just a clue though, there are two things that I really hate for people to do to me, and both occured today, though I do not blame any party concerned. (a) I really HATE being trapped and tickled. Don't scare me either or put me in a helpless position, because I tend to imagine things e.g. dying. It provokes a lot of thoughts. One big clue is if I shout or scream, stop whatever you're doing immediately because it means you've done something wrong. I don't let out a scream suddenly for no reason. When I scream it means I'm scared. (b) Don't question my integrity. I train my conscience, and convictions. I may seem self-righteous, but please do not make any jokes whatsoever concerning my attitude towards work or responsibility. I've said this before and I'll say it again, because no matter what mood I'm in, I never laugh at that, though I try to shrug it off.
I'm going to sleep now. I will only allow myself 30 minutes online. Besides I'm tired, although the nap on the bus helped. Wearing my favourite pyjamas and bra helps too. Please pray for the councillors who are sick, for the smooth running of O1, and for my health, because I'm aching in various places, and recently I've been suffering from chest pains too (constrictions yes, but more so pains).
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:30 p.m.
I tore my meal apart. Then I munched until I nearly choked and spent hours online. I have things to blog about, but not in this mood. I'm in a horrible mood, and I don't want to be left alone but I'm left alone. I just want someone to hold me, I don't need anything else.
I didn't follow the timetable. I tried to but there were unforseen circumstances and then there was the crying about something else. I thought I hadn't cried in a long time but then I realise that it's just because I stopped crying every day. Truth is, I cried just a few days ago.
I'm just working myself to death now and maybe later I'll do my Maths to gain some comfort. I just hope I don't die. Now does that sound sane or not?
I poured out a lot of things today, things that I was frustrated about, to DW especially. Old concerns. The worse thing is no one understands. You know in council after making all my sexual jokes, people shake their head and say 'we thought you were sweet and innocent' and immediately I feel a hot stake plunge into my heart. I'm not sweet and innocent. Far from it. VERY FAR FROM IT.
And somehow I feel so misunderstood. By council. By Sunday School. And then I wanted to talk it out with Haihan or Yexiang, someone from council, or maybe see a counsellor because I'm going mad, seeing dead people and thinking of murder and all. I don't want this you get me? I'm freaked out! I'm hearing the telephone ring when it isn't and I really hate ringing telephones. And I wanted to leave today, to leave everything, the world behind.
What to do what to do what to do? I won't get enough sleep tonight. I know I won't. I will do my Maths which will make it worse. WELL WELL WELL.
PRAY without ceasing.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:45 p.m.
Esther, your best quality shines through in how Reliable you are!
The fact that you're a reliable and dependable person whom others can usually count on really draws people to you! But that's not the only thing. Your answers on the test indicate you're an inventive and creative person who usually has an abundance of imagination and ideas. You are a smart person who is more able to understand complex concepts than many other people are, too.
In all, there are 15 qualities that help define you when you're at your best. Those are the traits potential employers, friends, and partners look for in you. What makes you unique is your particular distribution of those 15 qualities.
We've found that your particular combination of qualities is rare — only 2 in 10,000 people share the same general mix of traits. Those are great odds if you're trying to show a potential employer, colleague, friend, or date why you're exactly the right person for them.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:22 p.m.
1 Peter 2: 13-25
Many Americans believe that they have the greatest country in the world, a country with the best political system, education, and opportunities. Why are so many highly educated people willing to die for it? Why are there suicide bombers and kamikaze willing to die for a cause? Why were people willing to sacrifice their lives to fell the Twin Towers on September 11? These people were motivated by peer pressure and perverted nationalism.
In a recent speech made by one of our country's leaders, this question was posed to Singaporeans: Are you a stayer or a quitter? Are you a fair-weather citizen? Are you emotionally committed to our country? Is Singapore worth dying for? It is our family members who make life meaningful. Would you die for them? Christ is the centre of our lives. Would you die for Him?
As John states, no man could not have taken Jesus' life from Him had he not laid it down voluntarily because of His great love for us. What if Jesus had thought there was nothing worth dying for? What if God had thought so little of man that He refused to send Jesus to die to bear the punishment for our sins?
If so, the disciples would have died in vain. In Acts 5: 41 - 42, the early Christians, when persecuted, did not stage a revolt. Instead, they suffered silently. Stephen, the first Chrsitian martyr, spoke with power and much bravery (Acts 6: 10 - 11) and demonstrated great courage when he died for God. Did Stephen die in vain? The answer is an emphatic no.
In Revelation 2: 10, Jesus says "be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life". Indeed, you will receive a hundredfold and shall receive everlasting life.
In Acts 9, Paul deliberates whether or not to go to Jerusalem. In Acts 20: 22-24, he says "But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my course with joy, and the ministry, which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God." Hebrews 11 records the deeds of various Christian men and women. These men and women have their names written in God's Hall of Fame.
Bishop Lightfoot of the Church of England was a disciple of John and an early martyr who refused to confess Caesar as Lord and offer incense to him. He said no, "fourscore and six years have I been His servant, how can I then [renounce] my king who saved me?". Before he was killed he prayed, "May I be received among these thy presence this day as a rich and acceptable sacrifice...I praise thee, I bless thee, I adore thee". This episode shows his clarity of thought, singlemindedness and convictions.
Someone once mentioned, "Now I begin to be a disciple. I care nothing for things visible or invisible [except that I may] win Christ Jesus". Hudson Taylor was a white missionary in poor health yet he was involved in the China Inner Mission, and established the largest protestant organisation in the country.
Mission is the heartbeat of God. When the missionaries came to Singapore, they were willing to travel all the way here, and to learn the dialect of the locals. Others were willing to do that, and to lay down their lives. Thank God for our missionaries. We read in the mission reports of those who labour in difficult places and do not have the best facilities. In Cambodia, there is no proper water system, and many have fallen sick. Still missionaries have sacrificed their personal interests for the sake of the gospel, serving God and giving Him thanks until their very last breath. A fellow missionary was doing his Quiet Time one day when he heard a knock on the door. When he opened it, he was shot to death.
One day when we get our rewards in heaven you will be surrpised that it is not the prince of preachers who gets the greatest crown. It may be some unknown person working in the depths of Africa instead. People were willing to die for communism. Are you willing to die for Christianity? Are you willing to go to Africa, Cambodia, Batam or anywhere else God lays upon your heart?
You have been acquiring Bible knowledge for the past few years. You know the word but are you willing to go? Are you willing to die? Are you willing to help and encourage and be a blessing?
Is Christ worth dying for? God thought it worthwhile to die for you. Answer this now before God.
Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war,
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:07 p.m.
Today's schedule:
I've been despairing a bit because I've been using up all my breaks for homework (leaving just enough time for my meals), and not wasting my time. While I've been proud of my self-discipline and my time management, I am quite upset at myself for being so tired (although I cannot control this). I am reduced to incessant yawning and tearing (not from crying but from tiredness) 9+ (even though I yawn and get headaches during the day) and I fall asleep as soon as I reach home (i.e. before 10). I have to do my homework during breaks or just after I wake up (i.e. before school starts) because I'm too tired otherwise. As a result, I have not been coming online too.
Please join me as I pray for relief from fatigue. I thank God that I haven't been ill, although I am not at full force. I am still able to remain an outstanding level of enthusiasm for council activities and focus and concentration (although my mind does wander at times) during lessons. It is my worry that I will miss a lot of lessons next week due to orientation; nothing, not even the opportunities to meet my juniors and serve the school and have fun while working with my council mates makes up for that as of yet, so please don't say I am lucky. I am thankful however for the opportunity.
I thank God for his faithfulness and comfort. Listening to Michael Card helps a lot and the times, however short, with my family and friends are great blessings. I thank God for these people who have blessed my life with their presence and understanding, and who go out of their way to listen. De Wen has been of tremendous comfort, and I thank him for his initiative and willingness to give me a morning call at 5.30a.m. and meet me in school at 6.30a.m. so we can have a half hour time of sharing before council at 7. It was also great sharing with Xin Yi today. I have recently been amazed at just how much I feel about things, how much I can talk about school and council, how much these things affect me. This isn't an easy period for me; my hands are also hurting, my legs have been aching and there are numerous mosquito bites on my legs, many of which have been turned into holes which sting when I wash them due to the active scratching (my fault).
Pray for me and God bless you all.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 01:28 p.m.
I was bothered by my academic prospects last night and couldn't sleep, and even when I did, my head automatically drummed the things I had to wear/bring to school the next day e.g. long-sleeved white shirt. I was quite frustrated to wake up after a disturbed sleep which didn't seem like a sleep at all, and find out that it was already 4 in the morning. I woke up at 5.15a.m. and was disgusted to find that a lot of things which I had thought were definitely placed were missing, including my long council badge. Being the typical superstitious person, I thought the loss of my badge signified my loss of position from the 29th, but business kept me from thinking too much, and I rummaged everywhere to find everything. Perhaps I had been too rushed the previous day, as I had not recalled my maid telling me that this wasn't available or that wasn't there when I had given her a list of things I needed to get ready by the morning.
Council
I did manage to finally get out of the house and go to school, and was the first councillor to arrive. The day's events proceeded pretty naturally from there, although it was very obvious to me that I was tired and distracted. I made mistakes in attendance and blazer-taking was not conducted as well as I hoped it would be. In addition, I found out that today during council introduction we had to dance Black Cats, which I had merely followed and not learnt from scratch. In fact, I was a last-minute addition to the council dance performance, because I had not performed before. I was worried but later during the interval between ushering and giving out the student handbooks, I managed to learn the dance from Yexiang and Lin Hai. I still have to follow the steps from Yexiang, who thankfully stands right in front of me during the dance, but I am more confident of what to do without making a fool of myself. At least I'm glad the dance is going to be done during the council introduction. Call me paranoid, but I don't want to give my GP tutor any opportunity to laugh at me.
Friends
The handbook was very well-done, although I only could judge from the binding and cover design. Yexiang and Lin Hai did do a good job and Aishu's effort on the contents must have been top-notch. Although the ushering earlier in the morning was a little uncomfortable, as the sweat trapped in my stockings made my legs itchy, I did manage to make two new friends from Nanyang, Ruo Mei and Aileen (I hope I get the spelling right). Although I didn't enjoy Nanyang at all, and came out without knowing many seniors nor juniors (my fault) I found I could actually start a conversation with them. Ruo Mei said I looked familiar and asked me some questions about council too (she's from NYSC by the way). :) I saw Raining today, so many times, but I don't think she saw me, although I did meet her in the canteen. She's so pretty! :) I think the DHS girls uniform is very nice too.
Most important consideration: GP
I've GP today, but it starts at 2.15p.m. which is when I'm dismissed for council, so YAY. I get the same tutor, which is very unfortunate. At least I have until next next week to do my GP homework, which is good because I need to get my Integration tutorial done by tomorrow. I think I should really get serious.
Academic
My classes look good. There are days I end extremely early (think 1.35p.m.) and days I end really late (think 5.05p.m.) but I'm used to the late days, and hopefully I won't have to retake CL'AO'. My CT tutor is still Mr. Yeow (thank God!). My Econs tutor retired last year so I get Head of Student Affairs -I think- Mdm Jennifer Tan (strict but interesting). My Geography tutors remain the same (Mrs. Lily Kan and Mrs. Chua LK). I get Ms. Lim AH again for Lit. (YAY!) and two new Lit. tutors, namely Mrs. Ang (my council teacher and committee teacher), and Ms. Heng ST (I don't know who she is). I get a different Chinese teacher too and my Chinese teacher is DW's Chinese teacher this time, and we share the same periods! (Oh no, now I want to retake Chinese!) However, surprise of surprises, I'm one of the four in my class who will take Maths S - not Maths 'S' paper but Maths Special Class - due to my terrible grades, and I will be in a special class during Maths. I guess I'm pretty neutral about this. I'm still Econs rep. My class has only 20 people this year. I wonder if Yong Huat's still in the class. I know Kah Yee got retained.
Overall feelings so far
I was very organised today, despite being tired. I was frustrated at first that my smiles were fake during ushering, but later in the day when I saw my classmates and had the special CT session, and when I met DW for break, things got better and I really did enjoy myself. I recall feeling the same way on the first day of school, full of expectations for myself, studious, wanting to achieve. I hope I do it this time. Suddenly things seem to matter, like how I use my time, even the arrangement of stationary in my pencil case -everything has to face one side-. I've made some new year resolutions too, so maybe I'll get organised and then type them out here. Meanwhile I should get going and be early for Maths lecture. Maybe this year will actually be good. I'm starting afresh.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:03 a.m.
I think I should have said something about the New Year but I guess I was too busy as usual. I've read through all the blogs now, and chatted to a lot of people tonight. It's been wonderful chatting. It keeps my mind off my problems by keeping me busy and ups my self-esteem because I like the things I say. Besides that, it also is great knowing people, and getting updated on people. I've been happy sharing my thoughts with everyone reading my blog this year. Thank you for reading, and for sharing my life, for being there for me when I need it.
The past year hasn't been an easy one for me, so I'm really thankful for all the people who have supported me in whatever I've done. I've made a few radical choices, such as starting a blog, blogging on a regular basis, joining String Ensemble, ELDDFS and Sensorium Vale and later quitting all of them, running for council, quitting NeoPets and choir, joining LTF Camp Committee, taking up violin, playing truant, going for camps and OBS, going for counselling, showing that I'm angry with a teacher, getting into a relationship, breaking up twice, resuming contact with Jeremy, breaking contact with Jeremy, forming a better friendship with my best friend Xin Yi, Chooi Mei, Wen Bing, Rachel and Jason, making new and good friends I treasure like Alanna, Raining, Bingxin, Yexiang, Aishu, Ailin, Victoria, Natalie, Hao Jie, Xin Pei, Hai Han, and not doing my holiday homework and not caring about it. These choices have shaped me into who I am and what I believe in, and have benefitted me in one way or another, whether I have learnt something, or learnt something the hard way.
This year has indeed been different.
I've been doing some thinking today, and I felt better after thinking, working, chatting and blogging, organising my thoughts into words and phrasing them just the way I want them to sound. It's at times like this when I look back on what I've done, what I've managed to accomplish, what I didn't manage to accomplish, what I've gone through and what I've come out as that I appreciate the blessings God has blessed me with. Even though I sometimes think about council and regret this decision I make, I do thank God for the work and the friendships that have made me a better and happier person. I thank God for being there even when I don't accept Him, for drawing me closer to Him even though I'm still so far, for waiting for me to accept Him, and finally for blessing me with a great boyfriend/fiance, good friends and a supportive family.
I want to thank DW for lighting up my life, for bearing with me and supporting me through thick and thin, for loving and caring and never giving up, for sharing your life with me, for making me feel special and worth it, for keeping me close to God, for praying for me, for thinking of me, for introducing me to Michael Card and for supporting my interests. You supported me through council, you supported me in running, in singing, in playing the piano, in writing, you supported me when the work got too much and the depression got too heavy and even though you were neither in Arts nor council you tried to understand and help, and help me get through life you did. You worked through the injuring, the fatigue and the suicide. You took me out to relax, called me up for conversations and talked to me online. You shared my problems right from the start, filled my loneliness, sacrificed your time and energy, wiped my tears, patted my back, let me sleep on your shoulder, bought things for me, wrote letters to me, answered my letters and smsed me. You let me care for you, you let me scold you, hurt you, abuse you, take my anger out on you, then you cried for me. You refused to leave, left when I asked you too, came back when I hinted I didn't want you to leave, came back when I asked you to, laughed with me and joked with me. Through you I got to know so many people. Through you I knew what was love. I saw God in you. Through you the world became better, and life found its meaning. We built our dreams together. We're funky, and we're cool. Thank you DW. I love you. (I cried when I wrote this paragraph.)
There are so many more people I could thank, too many in fact. Thank you everyone.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:20 p.m.
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