Long blog posted just now. Couldn't sleep the whole night so did prezzies for Angel/Mortal/DW. There's another item struck off the list.
Deleted the entry though. Personal reasons I don't wish to disclose.
I'm fine. Cried a little but ok now. Hope DW's ok. I'm praying for ya, love.
Any undone hw will be attributed to personal reasons. I hope the teachers will understand that there were certain choices I made, and ultimately I'm still trying to be responsible for my homework, and that I care about my work. I'm not afraid of JT or the scoldings of any other teacher. I might cry in class if I'm scolded, but ultimately I chose what I chose and I will accept the consequences, be it deserving punishment for my actions, or fortunate understanding. In the event I face the latter, I will strive not to abuse the trust confided in me and will try even harder to do my work.
Will get my HCL 'O' results today. God bless me, that no matter what the results I get I will glorify Him.
And I pray that I will not be a pseudo Christian.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:33 a.m.
Still not feeling well. Just ate lunch. Going to take medicine soon and go to school. Will settle two interviews with the CCA heads, followed by tea, then go for the interview with the Principal. On one hand, I don't want to leave Yexiang in the lurch, besides, he did ask me to keep Thursday free anyway; on the other hand (now that I think about it) when would one ever get to go for an interview with the principal? I've missed so much that's happening in school and council I should really start cherishing my opportunities and chances.
I did the Arts letter yesterday before I went to sleep, so at least that thing's done. Drew up a list of things I had to do so at least I get more organised:
Econs Essay
I can be efficient when I want to. Still tired, but the spirit is there so I hope things will get done. Still too tired to run though.
Last night, I prayed a prayer for many people and thanked God for certain things too. Hope things get better with you all too.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 01:29 p.m.
Alanna, Ailin, Ayumi, Bing Xin, Chooi Mei, Christine, De Wen, Grace, Harris, Jillz, Kangie (New addition!), Kelvin, Lucius, Mark, Natalie (read quite a substantial number of entries, some archives unread 'cos had some problems accessing them - will try again), Raining, Rachel (can't go beyond the new flash page to find the blog, but cool flash page btw!), Sharon, Tash, Victoria, Wen Bing (read some then accidentally closed the window - will try again), Yuan Kai.
Blogs checked but unread:
Plhu, Rui, Sheralyn, Wai Kit (not checked, but recently read anyway, only have some entries in the middle to read).
I'm better. Reached home after council, bathed, took medicine and drank 3 bottles of water. Read blogs. Made a point to initiate chats with people, some of whom responded. I'm sorry I didn't make time to care more. It was wrong of me to read blogs just because they were short, to make me feel better that I was updated. What's the point on being updated on the life of someone I barely know? It's the people like Jillz, Natalie and Wen Bing, blogs which I haven't been reading for a long time, which matter to me, and I want to find out about you and care more.
I'm given an MC for tomorrow. Should sleep now. I won't waste time. Time shall be spent on (a) rest (sleep), (b) recreation (reading and writing and enjoying food at Coffee Bean), (c) work (council and schoolwork), (d) friends (blogs and chatting), in no particular order. I won't force myself, but I will get things done in my discipline. I hope that when I go back to school for the interview with the principal at 4p.m. I will have a lot to say about what I've done in the day.
I'm sorry for being absorbed in myself and being selfish. I'm sorry for being miserable. I'm going to pull myself out of this depression. I'm going to get better, and get back to school, work and other things in life. My life isn't my own, it's God's. I'm sorry for the comments I made, the things I said that weren't very nice. I'm sorry for justifying things I do. I will care more, and I will be less self-absorbed.
Thank you Dewey, for always being there even though I didn't always appreciate you, for listening and knowing, for putting up with me, for seeing me to the doctor's. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you Brother Haihan for your wise words. Thank you Nat for your friendship. Thank you Yexiang and Aishu for doing my work in my absence, and for being patient and understanding, and for your smiles and for tolerating my jokes. Thank you Brother Lin Hai for saying just the right things, for talking things with me, for joking with me and lightening things up. Thank you Ailin and Kelvin for putting up with me during Lit lecs, the jokes, thank you Kelvin for asking about me the day I cried. Thank you Wen Jie for tolerating me during Geog lecs, asking me questions to get me focused on the topic, and for gently chiding me when I don't bring my notes or pay attention, and for dealing with my absences. Thank you Wan Fang for the notes, and updates, for just bearing with me. Thank you Si Jia and Steph, for making me feel like a part of the class even if I'm hardly there. Thank you Lucius, for the little things you do, and the encouragement, the chats and jokes in class. Thank you Chooi Mei and Prisca for your encouragement. Thank you Wen Bing for posting. Thank you Rachel Chia for the offers of help. Thank you Rachel Yeo for the special smses which just make my day 'cos I just feel like I belong somewhere. Thank you Xin Yi for not saving on the smses, for telling me how good you feel about us as best friends, the special times we share, the Coffee Bean, the laughter, the intellectual conversations, for worrying about me, for calling me up even when I'm sometimes not there, for smsing me when I don't sms back, for sticking by me even if I may not seem very nice to others, for confiding, for sharing, for just encouraging me, for being such a strong Christian influence (thank you Dewey for this too). And to all the people who read this blog, thank you just for reading.
I -will- be better. I long to run again. I long to fly. Volare!
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:52 a.m.
But did it ever occur to me that I'm lying to my friends too? Why don't I tell the truth? Maybe 'cos there's too much to tell. My blog is truth. Maybe that's why I'm writing so much. 'Cos there's too much I've been hiding.
I hate being lied to. Not even a white lie. I don't like it when you lie to me.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:14 a.m.
Started off with the verse, then wanted to put in pictures of the holy hills of Sion and Moriah as they were the hills used in context in the Bible, but I couldn't find pictures I really liked, so I settled on pictures of other hills. Normally I would have just cut out what I liked from the pictures, but I only really liked the tops of the hills, so my pictures were short, and for once I decided to combine pictures. Saved quite a few pictures of the fog and the slopes of the hills too, but finally decided to use two horizonal/down views of the hills. Now that I think of it it's more balanced this way.
Originally wanted the text to be something like a call to God, something like 'Comfort me, for You are my hope and my strength.' This was the prevailing idea, but I didn't want to appear demanding to God, and I couldn't think of a short catchy title to fit into the picture properly either, so finally decided on just 'autumn song'. Experimented with a few fonts, but I really like this one 'cos it's cursive and gives the idea of flow. Really love the tails at the end of the characters, as well as the relatively balanced structure. The straight horizonal line on the 't' also appealed to me. :) Somehow I just wanted black and white, perhaps for their simplicity. Experimented with different positions, then placed the white text down, but the pic was still too empty so I decided to do something like a reflection (but not upside down) in black. Really really loved the way the picture came out, and the way the sun and more clearly seen hills with the little straight lines of clouds at the top balanced with the more foggy scene at the bottom. It really was a picture of 'hills' and it included the sun and clouds like I wanted.
I chose 4 shades of blue this time, for 'Autumn Song' the heading, the main text, the text in the sidebar, and the links. Wanted white as a background 'cos it was plain, and blue 'cos it matched white to create a cool effect. For once I didn't want my main text on white to be black, but blue. Didn't have to think very much 'cos I was quite decisive on which colours I wanted which I could just replace the old colours with (no additional HTML coding too).
The sidebar just came. Even though I was tired and sick, first I already had roughly the sentence in mind, 'Lord, You are my strength and my hope' then the words in brackets just came to me. Had to fit the words in the brackets with the words outside the bracket, and what follows below too i.e. Lord(speak to me) is a plea to God which follows, and matches the verse below which shows God speaking in his word, while You(help me) matched as a phrase, and also tied in with the wish/worklist as it involved a cry to God for help in completion of work. Really loved this sidebar as well 'cos the words just fit in, and came out in exactly the right way.
Still admiring my own layout. Already got two good responses but really don't mind criticism (in fact would appreciate it so I can keep that in mind for the next layout); at least the most important thing is I won't get sick of staring at it in the next month it's going to be up on my site. I wonder if other people who do layouts (especially more regularly than I do) feel the same way as I do. In the few days after creating a layout, I actually stare at it repeatedly and read and reread the sidebar, as I do some of my recent entries. Perhaps I'm narcissistic, but it's just that everything on my site is just so me, it's a reflection of me, the way I think and the way I work, and no matter which site I go to, the site I'd always come back to is my own 'cos I speak my thoughts, write what I want to write, and just do things the way I want them to be done. Was really really happy when this layout was put up.
I'm not feeling well, and the sickness is getting worse. Had fever for the 5th day yesterday (and 3 times in one day too as compared to normally once a day occurrences), then my flu started worsening. To make things worse, I also got my period, so my abdomen's been feeling pain, and actually found it hard to sleep last night. Woke up just more than 2 hours after I slept at 9.40p.m., and then woke up another time in the middle of the night. Nose feeling quite bad and had symptoms of a fever again this morning. Last night mom told me to stay at home and go see a doctor. She didn't want me to go for council today but I've missed a lot of council sessions already. She wasn't very pleased but she let me. I really don't want the councillors to think I'm slacking when I'm not. In fact, I don't want anyone to think I'm slacking. It's just that now I'm suddenly sick all the time, and I actually want to go to school instead of miss school. Pissing off my Lit teachers for missing lessons already, soon I'll piss off other teachers, and I have to tell JT why I missed her Econs test today (have an MC to cover though). I'll not be contributing for the career talk, originally supposed to report on the Arts lecture. Really wanted to go for the talk though. :( DW says I should let someone else do the 7 interviews for the CCAs and teachers (nothing to do with career talk) but I don't see why people should do my work. I mean, Aishu already did my minutes, all I have to do is type it out (which will take a lot of work, but I think I'm getting used to all this and doing things faster now), then I have a letter to my CT (as part of Eleco) to write, and my job scope to do by today, later 3p.m., but still everything's my job. Just wonder why I'm so swamped with work. I won't say other people have it easier, 'cos they don't and I mean they do go for things which I don't go e.g. cross country (which I missed 'cos I was sick and it was really hot so I didn't want to go trudging all the way in...the sun was so hot even under the shade it was v bad). Just why am I so busy? Is it the blogging? Maybe. Maybe it's the fact that I'm writing down my thoughts these days. Got work to do, but just feel like writing, somehow.
The relationship thing...um...I don't know how it got resolved. Originally I felt hopeless and numb, barriers all set up to it all, even though I felt very pained and sad, but later I just started laughing and enjoying his presence after we talked and he cried a bit about things. You know, I wonder what that sharing at Coffee Bean did. Maybe on my part, I was just angry 'cos I was trying so hard to be good and I really thought I was good and caring, and not only did it not seem like you bothered or cared, but that you accused me of not understanding blah-blah-blah... As Xin Yi says jokingly with a tinge of seriousness, 'Never tell Esther she's wrong.' or something like that. Really? It's just that when people do that I guess I don't feel understood 'cos I feel I have so many reasons for doing things, and because you don't see the reasons you don't think I'm doing things a certain way, you don't see the emotions that pass through me etc. I blew up at you yesterday. You said you were afraid I would yell at you for things I didn't like. Do you think I'm that unreasonable? I felt very hurt when you said that, there are many times I just keep the hurt to myself, and sometimes the hurt is there for months before I blow up, and even then I don't yell. Maybe 'cos you felt like I was blowing up and then I felt like you were blowing up, all because both of us didn't see the tone in each other's words. I just didn't appreciate being stated as such when I knew I wasn't, and when I didn't seem to understand you. Even now I don't understand you. But I realise even in the midst of the emotional thing, that what was more important wasn't me. It was you. And this is not me trying to act unselfish or something. In everything, it was always you that was important. I wanted you around. I wanted to care for you. I wanted to love you. Just that you didn't seem to be there, and things didn't seem to be working out 'cos I had problems of my own, and I just couldn't come out of them to care, and besides that you seemed to be so sick of my problems too (I was sick of having my own problems). Maybe in conclusion both of us just wanted each other to make an effort, and not to give up. You said it wasn't me to give up, to be cynical and to commit suicide. You said that it was me to smile, that the cynicism was all trained. Maybe. You told me that you just wanted to be trusted more, that you had your reasons. I don't know. To me, that trust was always there, like I told you yesterday. I knew you were good when people didn't seem to think so, I wanted the best for you, and I supported you and defended you when other people seemed unfair to you. I always prayed for you, sometimes more than myself. In fact whenever I really prayed for myself I prayed for you too, and sometimes I prayed just for you without praying for myself. I had problems with you for months, but I hid them with only small symptoms of them 'cos they didn't matter (they did but they didn't matter as much as you did)...I just thought you changed, 'cos you blew up at me (you say now you didn't) and you implied that I blah-blah-blah (don't even want to restate all the accusations) and I felt so cut up 'cos now I wasn't even appreciated, and before that you didn't seem to care either. Maybe both of us felt the same thing, that we were trying so hard and the other didn't seem to see it. I just hated the way you seemed to find excuses for things, when you said you had no choice when it actually was your choice, when you couldn't seem to justify what you were doing just that you didn't care. You didn't seem like you had reasons, but that you were being awfully reckless about things. But then as you said perhaps it was just 'cos you don't articulate yourself enough for me. I'm not saying you don't articulate yourself, I know you try, but I'm very literary-inclined. In future I will understand. I will make myself understand and I'm sorry I didn't appreciate that. There was just that communication barrier, and then there were the periods when you didn't seem to want to spend time with me. Like Monday...couldn't you spend just one day out of the week with me, like I told you 'cos I would be busy after school Tuesday to Friday and you weren't free on weekends? It's like last Saturday, there was a misunderstanding 'cos it didn't seem like you wanted to spend that time you had with me though you did call later but didn't get to ask 'cos I was with Xin Yi already. Maybe like you said, all I need to do is tell you what I want, 'cos like I realised after our sharing, you don't see what I want without me saying, and I guess it isn't fair for me to expect you to either. I'm not trying to put you down, just trying to think through everything. Guess I'm just so absorbed in myself I can't see why people can't see what I want them to do...that's why it brightens me up so much whenever you state where it is exactly that I want to go...and similarly I don't want to guess things 'cos I'm scared I get them wrong. I'm selfish. Maybe we just needed to clear what we did up, all the misunderstandings, and it did do us good to sit and talk about things. I think I need to tell you things more, so I won't think you're ignoring or not caring about me so you know what I want and can tell me or not whether you can/want to give it to me. Maybe similarly on my part I also need to know what you're trying to do about things ('cos I have problems with you I feel are unresolved, and some hurt I reveal but you don't seem to be doing anything but just saying you have no choice). Maybe you need to show an indication that you're listening to me. And maybe I need to show you that I care and that I'm not unreasonably yelling (actually even now I wonder why you thought I was yelling selfishly 'cos when I was yelling I was telling you to stand up for YOURSELF and not me). Maybe both of us need to know that we're not taking this relationship for granted. Maybe we still need the random sparks of care...you stopped smsing as much, and I know you have a handphone crisis, but maybe we could do some writing on paper instead. Sometimes I guess I'm afraid to show you I care, 'cos I don't want you to be frightened off by me, like I'm obsessed or something. I realise my confusion, that in the midst of the problems and all, and the giving up, and the resignation, I didn't want to let go. Like I told you yesterday whatever I did, even when I asked you to go away, I wanted you to stay. Everything was because I wanted you there with me. I'm not unreasonable, I won't make you give up your life/family/Maths/anything that's important to you for me. It's just I want an indication that I'm important. And maybe all I needed (which you did right later on) was that pat and just that reassurance that you loved me.
(Stop crying, Esther.)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:45 a.m.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:58 p.m.
Today wasn't a bad day. Started out pretty bad 'cos I was studying Geog in the canteen early in the morning but the words were spinning 'cos I was giddy. Not feeling well. Later DW came. Awkward 'cos of yesterday. He tried caring but I wasn't in a good mood so didn't respond. Tried sleeping for a while but worried about Hep B so couldn't sleep too. Went to council room to try get a panadol but Welcoians were crowding around in the Welfare Room. Could have asked, but didn't want them to worry and didn't feel like disturbing them either so I went without the pill. Didn't feel like going back to canteen so went into B101 and sat in the darkness. Then I started crying, and DW tried comforting and just being there.
Assembly. Eyes visibly red. I am such a bad liar. Said I didn't get enough sleep when Wan Fang asked, then couldn't substantiate it 'cos I might not have got a lot of sleep, but I haven't been surviving on extremely little either. So I just told her that I'd been crying the whole weekend, though I didn't elaborate. Laughed about the welfare week ad that Gena, Shining and Runyan put up. V funny. :) Ahahaha... Well done Welco! Think you've really been putting in a lot of effort, for the cleaning of the room, jumble sale and welfare week, the preparations etc. Been complaining here about being busy...but I see you all are so busy and coming back on Sat too. Cheers guys and all the best!
Lessons were fine. First lesson Maths tutorial. Came in without tutorials done. Was studying Geog until the lesson started. Mr. Yeow asked me to do Qn 2(v) but I said 'huh?' 'cos my tutorial qns showed no indication of 2(v). 'Can't do ah?' 'Um...yeah' then I realised that I was looking at Complex Nos. Tutorial 2 instead of Tutorial 1. How confused can I get? Think I was just distracted. Got down to doing the tutorial though. 'Twas pretty easy, I guess, the first few qns, but I'm still glad I managed to get all the answers. Only paid attention to him when he explained, didn't bother abt the rest of the answers on the board 'cos I wanted to attempt everything myself.
Tutorial ended early and he walked out of class to prepare for his lecture, so I had more time to study Geog. Was alternating between Geog and copying lecture notes during Maths lec, but managed to study Geog and understand the lecture notes. Can't really attempt the questions on my own, but I follow what's going on. I think lectures are just rough familiarisations with the topic, what's essential really is the tutorial, and it is then that I will relook at my lecture notes and attempt the qns. Used to actually concentrate fully on the lecture and even look at the notes during breaks ('cos I wanted to understand each step) but I realise that Maths requires constant practice. Doesn't really do much to really concentrate so hard on learning each step. More the rough process and application that has to be done during tutorials and during later personal/class practice/revision sessions.
Break was spent eating and studying Geog. Roger came over but we didn't talk. Didn't know what to say, and was busy studying too. After that was Econs tutorial but went for Hep B jab then. Was just as well for me but not for the class 'cos JT was on course and we misinterpreted that as meaning that we had no lesson. I'm excused 'cos I was having Hep B the whole time (even came in late for the next lesson 'cos the blood didn't stop so had to wait in the jab room 'til it stopped) but the class might just get a big scolding from JT (esp. since the stand-in teacher was made to wait in class with no one showing up). Tried explaining to Mrs. Veronica Chua after sch but she said I should explain it to JT instead.
Econs lec was gd. Initially felt sleepy, and was jolted awake by Wan Fang [thanks! :)] but later was really into the lecture. Followed everything (whatever that was on the screen and in the notes). Highlighted points and made a lot of notes, even filled in most of the blanks myself and tried the example. Realise I catch on pretty fast. Pple were asking me how to do. Felt good helping them. Realise tt by paying attention to the lecture, one can really just fill up the blanks like a fun assignment, and one can benefit a lot from the extra notes and examples. Of course, it really depends on mood and attitude too. Thankful that I was attentive, 'cos I do sometimes nod off during lecs.
CT was reading period. Spent a bit of it collecting Econs fund, $5 per person. Glad Mr. Yeow gave me time to do it. Thank God Suyun wanted $33 from me too so I brough enough money to pay for the 6 people who didn't have cash with them. Not bad. Quick collection, and manage to pay Mrs. Veronica Chua before the end of the day. Read an interesting article about the decline of the nomad civilisation in Mongolia. Realise that when I scan the contents, I don't usually jump into cover stories/stories abt politics, e.g. war with Iraq/things about China and North Korea. I jump into articles about geography e.g. lands, peoples, cultures; interesting sciences e.g. child prodigies and clinical depression; and literature e.g. books, movies and music.
Geog test was difficult at first. Just stared blankly 'cos I didn't know how to express my ideas. Felt a bit cheated 'cos I studied so many things and what came out was the definitions for 'urbanisation', 'rate of urbanisation' and 'level of urbanisation' and a question on why the level of urbanisation in the economically more developed countries is higher than the level of urbanisation in the economically less developed countries. The definitions were not model book-copied ones, but just from what I read and understood. Amazed that I remembered quite a bit of the content. The question of the comparison of the level of urbanisation in both types of countries was covered in a tutorial which I didn't attend, so I guess I lost out on that. Did do an ok answer though, though my friends seemed to write a lot more than I did. It's going to be counted towards Prelims, but it's over so I'm not going to worry too much abt tt.
After sch met DW 'cos pe ended after the taking of attendance, then discussed council stuff with Aishu and Yexiang. Must thank Aishu for taking down the minutes and missing biomedical training in my place during the formal, and helping Yexiang during my absence. She's really enthusiastic, helpful, and someone who takes initiative, someone who understands (or tries to). V. smart too. V. good friend, who shares and comforts as well. Appreciate her lots.
Relationship veering toward a breakup but me really too tired to talk abt it. Would like to talk it over with someone but v v tired physically. Talking it over with him too, don't know...seems like he's losing his patience too. Maybe we're dragging it too long. Suffered a fever for the fourth consecutive day, plus flu. Now mostly tiredness. Shall type minutes early tmr or after sch. Tmr morning I've got to interview Band Treasurer/QM concerning the budget cut, then Pubco informal, then sch proper, followed by cross-country. Won't be running 'cos sick (really, not trying to back out here), but will use the opportunity to perhaps interview some pple (teachers?). Need to get the information soon.
Week's heating up too. Tmr cross-country which will end late at Macritchie, then Wed council (work session but will be doing Welfare Week duty so prob won't be much involved) and Thurs interview with Mr. Ang at 4. Fri meeting Xin Yi. Must also remember Wed Econs MCQ test on NIA and NID. Tmr must borrow and copy Lit notes from the past two lectures/tutorials I missed for Pinter, Rossetti and Othello.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:37 p.m.
It started Friday. Or maybe months before. But you know what I mean. -bitter smile-
Don't know how I got so depressed. Don't know how it happened too, how the quarrel just started. Maybe I pushed him too far and then he felt misunderstood, always in the wrong, and just indignant. Then he hurt me. He didn't mean to, but he did. And it got worse. And I felt that it was unfair. "You don't love me anymore...you probably think I'm unfaithful..." Ahaha...no that was a line from S3 Dramafeste. Fine, my "concept of pain is somewhat lacking" (S2) but it just got too bad yesterday, and my chest was killing me. It just hurt and hurt, one constriction after another, and I was crying, then sobbing and writhing on the bed. It wasn't meant to be so dramatic, trust me. I just happened to be on the bed at that time. But what was it that cut me up so badly? It must be the one of the worse crying sessions.
So I cried for hours, yes hours. Went to take a nap, then woke up and played the piano. Played 'All By Myself' and other songs. Not on purpose, just that it was the first song in my book. Wasn't easy, but played anyway. You've got to count the beats properly, that. Noticed the significance of the song. Ahahaha...
Felt utterly broken up, like I'd fallen out of love for the 6th time in my life. Why couldn't I get things right? Just gave up then and there. Talked to Raining. Talked to "a friend". Funny it is how I can't talk to him as him anymore, I talk to him but we playact like he's another person and I'm just talking to another one of my buddies. I just feel so resigned, you know, and not comforted. He apologised, but...I said so before, it's not so much the apologising...and this one hurt me very very badly. It would be different 'cos our relationship is close, but still it takes a while for time to heal wounds. Got a bit drunk too. I forget what happened... some of it anyway.
I don't want to break up. You know, one gets sick of breaking up. Fine, I won't do the 'I'm such a bitch no one loves me' routine, but I don't want to play people around. I do not like to play people around. It's just, you ask for understanding etc.. I don't know. I try. But you're just so stubborn in some issues.
But...you...you go find someone else. 'Cos I've given up. I've had fever 3 consecutive days, and headaches, and my eyes are still stinging from the crying three days in a row, more of last night's, but well... Find someone who 'see[s]' and 'understand[s]' and 'gives [you] breathing space' and doesn't act so unreasonable. You don't know, do you, how much it's bothered me? But then again, I probably don't know how much it's bothered you anyway.
I'm shooting myself in the foot here I know, and guys somehow don't understand that while girls moan (and TRULY moan, I mean why would I lie?) some things need to be looked at beneath the surface. I don't know. What do you expect me to do?
I didn't think I would cry so badly. I always cried for you. But I didn't think it would hurt me so much I'd literally cry my heart out.
My eyes will never open to its full roundness...they just can't. They lost their shine too, the only shine is the shine of tears. I didn't want to go to school today, but I think I'll just get a panadol later. Not good to miss too much school. Need to get into the school mood and work, prepare for Geog test today (on today, preparation today too). I hope I can finish. Hep B Injection today. Don't like. Maybe you can take the injection and poke it into me with all your might. You know, I think I'd just put my arm out for you to do that. Special reservation for just you.
Got to discuss work with Aishu too. Guess I never am really free, am I? -bitter- Just a traumatic weekend for me. Maybe things will turn out ok. I wonder what will happen when I see you face to face today. Maybe I'll just break down and cry.
Why would you want me back anyway?
Thank God the time didn't pass too fast. I needed some time to think. Though I'm still at square 1.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:30 a.m.
Alanna
Feel like reading the others too but tired. Don't want to force myself even though I enjoy this too. What should I do? Maybe I'll get a Calamansi Juice Drink and see what I can do. Don't wanna sleep yet. I can do this!
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 03:18 p.m.
Played FIVE instead of one song today for Sunday School. Dad was going through Psalm 23 so he chose 5 'The Lord is my Shepherd' kinda songs (e.g. paraphrases). Dad went through the psalm and interspersed it cleverly with the songs. It was so good. You should have heard that message. Prayed for good playing for God's glory. Yesterday I practised like mad, and even got angry, and today I was far from God, but Dad said I played pretty well, by God's grace, and I did have fun 'cos the songs were a lot easier to play today than when I was practising yesterday night. Couldn't get the pedal to work at first, but later it worked and the songs were really good. I love the piano.
Just a bit rushed today e.g. quick productivity and all. Went toilet, then took MRT for violin, found out I was a whole half hour early (normally I'm late), so went for LJS lunch. The whole lunch (including walking down to the JE Entertainment Centre LJS, queuing up, buying food, and gobbling my entire set of two junior fish pieces, fries, coleslaw and coke) took less than 15 minutes! Went back to class, was 5 min early still, so paid school and examination fees, continued reading Love Hina (read some on the train earlier) until I was called into class, played the stuff, went home, immediately emptied bowels (reading Love Hina all the way), bathed, brushed teeth, cleaned ears, even put deodorant, and dressed in nice shirt and shorts for once (yes, I happen to have the dull habit of wearing pyjamas at home all the time). I was marching and rushing all the way! Practised piano many times (the songs I'd played earlier, and some ballads I'm playing for DW tomorrow after school). Came up, wanted to read blogs but I'm awfully tired so I should go sleep. Um. Well this sounds awfully hilarious now.
Violin teacher says I sniff in class every week. Told him I was sick. Sigh. Got fever yesterday too. I'm still sick, and the sun is awfully hot.
But ok. Talked to Raining for once. Normally I don't talk to people online. Wanted to go look at my GP homework but couldn't find a way in. Must ask on Mon.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:06 p.m.
Lots to read and lots to write,
Is it true or is it not
It's all in vain, I've given up;
My computer refused to start ever since 7+, and I was provoked to suicidal thoughts again. It was just the thought of feeling sick, wasting my time, having things not go my way, and being unable to vent, coupled with the fact that I had a misunderstanding with Wenjie in the morning, which turned pretty heated between the two of us. Of course, because DW was on my side and smsed her to tell her my stand, she cooled down awhile and then barraged me with apologies, and I lied and said I was ok. -shrug- I don't know. I guess I'm not still angry with her, just a little awkward. I mean, and I had to get my boyfriend to fight for me too. Just felt utterly useless. Plus I was messaging him during his National Team training and he was messaging me back, and then I wanted to go out to Coffee Bean and eat lunch there (just thought I'd feel better) but he couldn't make it 'cos he had Maths Masterclass in school, and I just was faced with the fact that other people (like him) are on to better things in future, with stuff like this going for them, while people like me lie sick at home, miss days of school and enrichment activities and try to go for competitions but never seem to get the chance to. I mean, in my first three months, I did audition for many things, acting and emcee whatever, and it helped me when I looked at other auditions and helped out, but the thing was I was never good enough to get into anything. Felt like I was wasting his time. And I pleaded a bit with God but I guess my heart wasn't in it, and He didn't seem to answer my prayers too.
Somehow I just felt so sad. Played a bit of piano. Twas good. The feeling was all there, and I felt like my fingers were doing a bit of ballet, although I missed a few notes here and there. Tried some new songs. Then I played Memory and I thought of my ex. Like which ex? My ex-ex-ex. Whatever.
After the crying until my eyes were sore and stinging, and the rubbing to make them worse, I suddenly thought of it. I mean, I did get into council. And I mean, my results aren't THAT bad. I'm in Hwa Chong after all, and my results are improving I guess. At least my Maths got an A level pass. True I was aiming for an A, but considering I got Os practically all through last year, an E to start with is I guess some improvement, and I didn't exactly study A-class. I studied and I practised, but it wouldn't be enough for an A anyway. And besides, I mean, if I think I'm a failure, why on earth would I be in a relationship? At least someone can confide in me more than others, right? At least I'm just about the most important person to someone right? And at least my best friend really appreciates me. I guess these are the people with whom I actually feel like I'm wanted, like I'm important.
I wanted to die today, but I didn't dare to take the penknife 'cos I remembered the pain from the last time, and I was scared. I sobbed on my bed until the tears fell from one eye to the next and drowned me. Then I attacked my genitals until they were sore and hurting. And they still are.
What a silly girl I am.
I'm going to meet Xin Yi later for lunch. She wanted to go out Orchard, but since I'm sick and missing so many things (e.g. Geography Field Trip, Eleco Work Session, PubCo formal) the least I could do as part of responsibility is to rest, which I guess is what I did, although I thought I was wasting time. I am not feeling well after all, and my mom doesn't want me to go to school. Neither does my dear, who says that it's very obvious that I'm sick.
Last night after Dramafeste I just started crying. I just sat in the canteen and cried and cried 'cos my chest was hurting and I just felt sick, and drained after faking all those smiles. I didn't want to cheer, I didn't want to have all the emotions running through me. I just wanted to sit back, relax and let the 5 plays unfurl before my eyes, and go home. My existence is so monotonous and sad anyway.
I thought of my GP tutor. I guess the counselling sessions didn't help did it? I mean, I'm still unhappy, and I don't know how I can not be unhappy. I think of my friends who are way better off than me, and I look at myself, and I think everything is a mistake, that I shouldn't have joined council, shouldn't have come into this school...maybe I shouldn't even have lived.
Well. I'll be fine. One gets used to tears, and I've cried my eyes dry already. Don't pity me or get angry with me. I don't want you to.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:37 p.m.
I'm sick. AGAIN.
Yes, the flu and headaches turned into fever today, and I was sweating and contemplating my miserable existence this morning after assembly.
Actually, Haihan had asked me how I was early in the morning when I was in the council room for PubCo informal, and I had replied that I wasn't doing well, and spiralling down, to which he immediately offered his seat to me and wanted me to talk about my problems because then I'd feel better. Aishu came over also and that sole seat was reserved for me as they both gathered around the table and encouraged me to talk. The problem was, I didn't want to talk because then I would think of my problems and cry. I did feel like crying then, so I just withdrew and tried to smile about everything and nod at Haihan's advice. (I appreciate them loads though.)
The informal was cancelled because the com members simply didn't turn up. I think we could have held an informal with just Yexiang, Aishu, Ramnik, Haihan and me since Yexiang just wanted to check on our progress with the Aspironews articles, but I suggested he approach everyone individually anyway and he said ok. I think he did manage to get some progress on Aishu and me though, and Aishu and I will be meeting on Monday afternoon to discuss the article on the Budget Cut for the formal on Tuesday. (Um...I just received a message saying the formal will be on Saturday instead, and I can't make it then because I'll be going on the Geography field trip, and my presence is especially needed because I'm in a 3 person group instead of 4 (cos one girl went for surgery, so my group leader might just freak out if I don't come), plus I applied for leave already.)
I went out early to get some food in the canteen, the usual fishball and tartar sauce, delicious food introduced to me by Wenjie. Then I met De Wen, who'd already known that something was wrong all throughout the morning, and told him what happened. There are many things really. I'm pulling out of the Commonwealth Essay competition, which is a devastating affair to me, because I really want to be recognised and given an edge (especially in the light of all the 'S' papers, competitions and Olympiads which I'm not in), plus I did all the brainstorming (which to me was brilliant) and the first two paragraphs of the essay, which were excellent and heavily substantiated. I'm proud of my work, it could just as easily be one of my better essays, if not my best, but I have to give it up because the deadline was today, and there's not much of a way I can get it in, plus I don't want to stress myself anymore. I have other work to do anyway. Contrary to what I've been telling everyone (yes, I'm a big liar, simply because the truth is too much to tell so I'd rather fashion a small lie to satisfy my friends even though I don't wish to hurt them), I've been working on the essay, not just the day I wrote the essay. But I guess it was my fault for spending Tuesday on blogging instead of working on the essay, it's just that, I need to be just in the right mood, and yesterday afternoon I wasn't (so my paragraphs turned out very forced), and I only managed to turn up the two good paragraphs at 1a.m. today.
I'm just very stressed by all the work, the undone Maths and Geog tutorials, the Lit test I owe, the teachers I have to see, the projects I have to organise, the articles I have to get done...plus the fact that I am not getting enough sleep. To make it all worse, I am just so paranoid that people are judging me all the time. I didn't like it when my classmates didn't look very happy when I didn't take the 2.4km trial test because I was sick, saying that I wasn't sick enough to miss the test. (What happened was later the teacher said that those who were recovering from flu were encouraged not to take the test 'cos it would be strenuous, so I was right all along.) Right now the fever has subsided but the flu is worse. If this goes on, I may not even get to run cross-country, and AGAIN, contrary to what I believe is popular opinion, I happen to NOT want to miss the runs, not the 2.4, and not the 3.4 cross country. Don't you know I happen to be a runner by nature?
I'm blaming myself too. What happens is when washing my hands after using the toilet, I don't just let the water run through my fingers. I scrub the thumb and fingers of my right hand over and over again, and they have to be properly rubbed before I'm satisfied that my hands are clean and don't need to be washed again. Yesterday somehow it struck me during my usual cleaning ritual that I could just as well been accused of masturbation. Why would I want to clean my fingers so vigorously then? I don't know. I don't even know how this ritual came about in the first place.
This has been a problem for sometime, you know the 'I am selfish', 'Do I really love De Wen' kind of self-accusations I make ever since I don't know when, and it gets worse 'cos people just don't understand, people like my GP tutor and Alanna, who get angry when I doubt myself and make things a whole lot worse. I guess it's not their fault, it's just the way they react which strongly clashes with the what I expect or how I react. That argument cost me a friendship with Alanna; it took me a long time before I recently really talked to her out of my own free will. Sometimes I just can't get things out of my mind, especially when they hurt a lot. I'm glad just recently the case with my GP tutor, and with Alanna have closed.
I nearly failed my Maths lecture test. It came as a shock because I prayed, I studied, and when I did the test I was almost confident of getting full marks, if not definitely an A. I haven't looked at it yet, 'cos I've been sleeping away my sickness the whole day.
Yes, this morning, De Wen said I had a fever, plus I was sweating anyway (even though I didn't exert energy -I haven't been running to/around school for a long time to conserve my energy-) so after talking awhile with him I got an OCP and decided to go home without taking any lessons, which means I missed 6 periods of Lit again, and 4 periods of Geog. My Geog teachers know though, 'cos I met them earlier. Human Geog discourages me from going for the Geography trip tomorrow 'cos it's going to be long, in the hot sun, and involve a bit of walking -from Maxwell Road to Raffles Place-, but as I said I have to go, and I need to know what is going to be covered tomorrow anyway. I'm going to go tomorrow. I don't want to keep missing lessons, even if the teachers are still nice about it. (Yep, she told me to take care instead of scolding me, which I thought she would do, together with Mr. Yeow.) I keep thinking people will scold me, but no one has really scolded me yet, and I hope no one ever will. I just think I'm an awfully big failure at being a councillor (even though if I think hard enough I could rebut my own statement), a secretary, student, friend, girlfriend, daughter...
Aishu and Wenjie are very nice friends, but I just can't speak to them much anymore 'cos I don't want to talk in the first place. Put it this way, I can't comfort, and I can't share, so talking to me is like talking to a wooden block. I know that there are friends who care even though I rant and rave. The comments recently from my friends on this blog really touched me. And I try to do something in return, and be nice, but I just feel so superficial. Yet why do I have to share my problems in the first place? Are problems everything? Or can I go through life with just sharing my pleasure with my friends? Even so, I don't even have a lot of time to spend with them.
Going to meet Xin Yi for coffee (I need an Ultimate) and then go for Dramafeste. Thank God I have friends like Xin Yi who care enough to arrange meetings and initiate smses when I just somehow get too absorbed in my work to. Sometimes, I guess, I'm just so blessed.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 03:25 p.m.
ONE
She spoke of painful sorrows and soulless agony, of darkened moons and round-tipped suns. The light bestowed its favour openly upon her as she tilted back her head gently to utter the all-familiar throated cry. The despairing expression, a white sculptured marble piece in an empty hall, was that only pure beam in the ensuing chaos. It was it, devoid of unseeing eyes and unhearing lips, unlike the daunting threat of the usual hypocritical restlessness. The kiss of death landed squarely on the fair white neck, crimson melting into clear snowy frost. The barriers were broken, a pseudo peace invaded and enraptured her naivety, and she clasped the healing hopelessness with once outstretched arms now forced to pay obeisance to the heart. The ebbing of her pulse gave way to the thin monotonous thread, horizontal, lessening with each scourge. The darkness caught her by the knees, and she yielded to its masturbating silver.
The phase was completed but the universe reflected no alterance. The stars resumed their pathetic definitions, shining in their spacey pockets of isolated loneliness, while the birds floated dazedly in mesmerised oblivion, choking in the throes of their mournful melodies, zig-zagging past a future that would never know materialisation.
"Come," they whispered coaxingly to the silent unobtrusive night. "Come," they called pleadingly to the dull silverless dawn. "Come," they wailed flailingly to the oppressive scorching suffocation of the midday war.
And then, knowing the harsh futility of their desperate attempt, they gnashed at death brink, "Come, come, come...", a relentless cry for the slight validation of their poor habitation. But the earth did not know them, nor did the sky, and it did not proffer hints of an answer.
They said the present was a gift. But it was not meant for me.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:00 p.m.
What I haven't read:
Haven't read the above mainly 'cos they're too long. Sorry. Am updated with everyone else. Will try to get updated maybe a while later when I'm less tired (though I will get updated with those I'm relatively updated with so I stay updated with them). Takes hours and hours though, counting my own blogging time too.
tash did a Girlfriend quiz which I did too as part of my practice, but somehow the results link won't work.
I hope Chrissie and Mei feel better.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:48 p.m.
And that is all I remember of my dream. No, I haven't been eating during lecture, I didn't do the above things, I didn't do anything worthy of a CS, and I am not going for a CS. As a matter of fact, my conscience is clear, and no one has accused me of any wrongdoing. But yes, my morals and my council record mean a lot to me.
I forget another dream that I had. This is what happens when I don't blog about my dreams.
Last night I dreamed a simple dream. A short and simple one. I was in the dark, and I pulled down my pants, and on my underwear there was a crimson stain, wet and visible in the dark. Yes, this was the dream, and it was a dream, for when I woke up everything was clear and there was no blood.
I am getting increasingly fond of my most hated colour: scarlet.
Also, I just went for a dental appointment. Good news: This time there are no bands. Bad news, my teeth ache, and the doctor clamped two metal rings on two teeth so food, especially rice is getting stuck. An irritating affair, 'tis.
I have decided to forgive my GP tutor and make more effort to contribute in class and look less sour. Any future wars between the two of us will be one-sided, on her part. I wanted to write a full speech for this here, but I will not now.
I am extremely fearful of homework and lessons, and many of the recent depressions (accompanied by simultaneous distancing from God) have resulted from the fear of work and tests. I have skipped 4 tests (Maths, Econs, Geog and Lit, i.e. my 4 subjects) and have only gone for 1 Econs MCQ test. I've done my timed assignment for Econs, and will be hopefully studying soon so that I can take my Geog and Lit tests. Besides, I have a Maths lecture test on Thursday. I will not go for a test if I am not convinced that I will do my best. If I am not properly equipped for a test, I will refrain from taking it at all. My teachers are not patient though. I feel better about the Maths test because I have practised and/or paid attention to Curve Sketching, Permutations and Combinations and Vectors.
Thanks Grace and Nat for your friendship day gifts. Thanks Haihan for your greetings. I appreciate it.
Friendship between me and Yexiang has become strained (on my part). He's smiling at me whenever we pass each other, and waving, but his smses are awfully short and businesslike, and not even capitalised on the first letter. Plus there is another major reason, but I'm not about to share. I'm scared of some people e.g. some councillors and teachers. I am also angry with Zhiming. I am distanced from council at the moment, perhaps because we haven't been working together relatively (note: relatively) much recently (which, I am, to some extent grateful for because I have time constraints). The council friends are nice, but somehow yesterday I blew up at the table when my brother suggested I quit the 'stupid council' 'cos I was upset with my workload net of council activities. I told him it wasn't stupid, that it wasn't utterly useless, that it did have its good points, but that I disliked it. Recently I reviewed CNY, and I realised that the only reason I really liked it was because I'd invested a lot of time and effort into it, time and effort that wasn't appreciated by my partner (though somewhat by my CNY com chair). Some of the comments were quite hurting. While I am grateful to my partners for sharing the workload tremendously, especially in the Lantern and Banner competitions (which I was hardly involved in), the programme lacked coordination between partners, and I felt that no one was really listening to me, and that they were changing my plans without my knowledge. I didn't like the way the teachers pushed me about (it didn't happen during Open House for one thing), I didn't like the way the CCAs and the teachers didn't respect my plans (although my plans were made, presented, edited and finalised ahead of time), I didn't like the way I felt that backstage coordination seemed to be done solely by me (although I appreciated my partner looking in from the front and coordinating things like the Best Dressed contest. I did have great emcees, a great backstage crew, and a great com chair. I do appreciate my partners, but I didn't appreciate being scolded and pissed against, not being told things (thus wasting my effort and time) and most of all, invalidated. Just remember, there is a reason behind everything that happened, with PA and backstage, and many of the problems were really pretty much out of my control. You don't know the reasons, and you don't know how many phone calls went between everyone and how much I ran between places to make sure everything was ok, but don't say I didn't put in effort when I did my best, when I gave it my all. If you asked me, I would tell you why exactly the curtain closed when, why the music played etc. but I'm not about to write down exactly what happened here. It took me a whole 1h of talking non-stop after CNY to get everything out of my head, to explain what went right/wrong to DW (and I couldn't share much during CNY evaluation 'cos I was already speaking quite a bit, and the rest of you wanted to go home quick and I couldn't be bothered to bore you with my sharing anymore). So stop blaming me, or blaming us.
I like the work in council. I like the friendship. I like the opportunities and exposure. I deal with the tiredness and stress (although sometimes I sink into depression). I don't mind the expectations of me as a councillor, which other people put upon me and which I put upon myself e.g. showing support for my faculty, being a good student and role-model. (I don't know if I'm fulfilling these, I have my own principles, but I guess I'm trying.) But I hate being judged just because I'm a councillor using measures that are plain unfair. Right, DW tried to pat my head, and suddenly suits are filed against me for public display of affection, and I quote 'to put it nicely, he tried to sayang you' (I mean, is that called putting it nicely?), while I see a guy massage a girl's shoulders at the teachers' bench in the canteen, a couple in their home clothes walking past the CS notice board holding hands, and you don't begrudge me the right of jumping on Yexiang, slapping Lin Hai playfully on the shoulder, hugging Sean after O1 (I think), holding hands with Lin Hai (yes, I took his hand and dragged him to look at something) right in front of your very eyes...and tell me the rule says no body contact. I don't think it's fair to judge me just because I'm a councillor, and because you know that he's my boyfriend, to remind me that I have a council badge, and hence should behave better. I think it's very cruel to just go up to DW, tell him to do you a favour and get out of your sight, and then wave him off with a mere movement of the hand. I think it's very cruel to tell me off right when I'm in one of my depressive moods, guarding the faculty tripods before campfire, to come up to me and tell me many teachers have been complaining about me, and to warn me about my erroneous behaviour just before I'm due for council dance performance, and before I have to sing and dance and cheer the crowd on, and put aside my already present depression. I think it's not fair to make me feel like crying just before council dance, when I have to put aside my tears, to let it all out after O1. I'm sorry I wallow in my sorrows, that more than a month after events I'm still upset, but here's just some of the things I guess I never really shared in full (?). But then again, you're the teachers. You will write my council report, and even excluding that just because you're authority I will respect you. It doesn't mean I like you though. But this I say with sincerity: I know you have your good points.
I'm not putting down council. My loyalties still remain. But my principles aren't going to change just because I'm a councillor. When I step down from council, I will still not eat in class, I will not eat in school premises outside the canteen, I will not tuck out my shirt etc. etc. etc. Because this is who I am. While I commend those who keep their behaviour in check because they're part of council, I hope that council isn't just a temporary restriction to be chucked away when one steps down. It wasn't meant to be.
I just wish people wouldn't judge me, because the guilt of judging myself is already hard to bear, and because people don't know half of what's going on. I try so hard to be good, and I hate being punished for things I accidentally let slip amidst all the precautions I take. I know Haihan reads this, and I hope he doesn't take this personally, but while everything's all so businesslike and I'm surviving (yes, with a relatively clean discipline record) it's awfully stressful to follow all the rules to the letter, to have to answer for everything I do, to live in fear. Fear of punishment and of making mistakes. I'm not confident. And I feel so weak and vulnerable. I worry about making a mistake. And it seems that we all have to be perfect if not we get punished.
I'm giving DW very emotionless/heavy with emotion (depends on your interpretation) answers via sms. Either that, or not replying at all. I just don't feel like replying. You are...different. Or should I say, I'm different. While I appreciate my classmates and councilmates for continuing to be nice (really) and while I'm glad I've found some closer friends, I don't trust, and I've retreated a lot. I don't even feel comfortable smiling at my juniors anymore even though they're nice. I wonder if I'll ever fit in. Do I want to fit in?
This is sure one long sharing. Weird, considering I don't talk much nowadays, and don't want to talk either.
(I bet this entry won't get any responses. Not that I'd care anyway. I am not bitter. I'm just awfully paranoid about being judged. Somehow.)
Whenever I come to a flight of stairs downwards, I keep imagining myself slipping and falling on my back. Why?
I don't want to force a smile. It's getting progressively harder to smile, and to wave hello. But I appreciate it when people say hello to me. And I wish people would not dao (ignore) me when I say hello to them 'cos it really deflates my waning enthusiasm. I mean, if you use your last ounce of energy just to smile and someone just pretends not to see you...It hurts big time. Especially when the only crime you committed was to exist. And I hate expressing my opinions or asking questions in class because I feel like such a smart-aleck.
I guess...I guess...I should be thankful for what I have. I am thankful for a lot.
I guess...I just want to be loved. I want to be free.
I haven't cried for a while. Perhaps that is a good thing. Perhaps I'm getting numb to the tears. I try to care, but I don't know what to say or do anymore, and I don't want to hurt you but it isn't ok. It really isn't. I just don't know what can be done about it. Plus you seem so busy and bothered with Dramafeste and other things I really don't want to be a bother. And it hurts when you look so tired and sad but I won't comfort you 'cos I won't fake encouragement, and I'm too upset with my own miserable life to tell you I care even though I pray for you, and even though I care a lot.
I hate the word 'misery'. I don't trust anyone who says I have a choice not to be miserable. Not because this isn't true, but because the fact that you're being so logical while I'm being so emotional means that you don't understand. But then, who does? And whom do I trust?
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:56 p.m.
Here are my results:
Linguistic: 10/10
Logical-Mathematical: 9/10
Visual-Spatial: 4/10
Bodily-Kinesthetic: 4/10
Musical: 9/10
Interpersonal: 7/10
Intrapersonal: 7/10
Naturalist: 1/10
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 07:07 p.m.
Arts Fac Party
Valentine's Day Dinner - The Preparations
Valentine's Day Dinner - The Outing
Valentine's Day Dinner - The Dinner
Valentine's Day Dinner - Going Home
I'm so glad to have you as my dear. Thank you.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:24 p.m.
What happened was I was really a lot more tired than I realised I was, and sick too. I spent the whole day in bed sleeping, but whenever I woke up I felt tired and horrid, and tonight when I went out with my parents for dinner I felt like puking and was plagued with a headache and tiredness. I'm still tired, and I'm having a headache, plus my nose hasn't let up its stuffiness.
I'm feeling bad emotionally, and as I share more I realise that there is so much people don't know, and so much I don't want to share.
I keep thinking people judge, so it touches me greatly when I see people actually caring, people like Xin Yi, Nat and Aishu. I don't trust guys, but De Wen has been a big help. People who mind don't matter, and people who matter don't mind. I guess if people are upset about the way I act, I shouldn't care about them, although I do care about the way people view me. Still, there is much that you don't know, so don't judge.
There has been pressure in my knee. I wonder why.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:50 p.m.
Esther
Your first name of Esther has made you a friendly, approachable, and generous person. Generally you are good-natured, though at times you can be blunt and sarcastic. As you are naturally talkative, you find it easy to meet and make friends with many people. This name inclines you to be sympathetic and generous to those in difficult or unfortunate circumstances. You can be firm, positive, and independent in your own ideas and in reaching your own decisions, yet when it comes to taking action or following things through to completion, you often need encouragement. You respond quickly to kind words or any appreciation shown you. There are artistic, creative abilities in this name that you could express through music or singing, or, in a practical way, through sewing or interior decorating. You enjoy freedom from monotony and are stimulated by unexpected opportunities for meeting people, entertaining, or pursuing activities of a carefree nature. In your work, you find it difficult to be neat and orderly. You rarely plan things ahead of time, or follow a routine. Emotion and feeling, the desire to be carefree, friendly, and happy, are the driving forces in your being, rather than shrewdness, ambition, and material success. You could experience headaches, or problems with your teeth, ears, eyes, or sinuses. Health weaknesses relative to the functioning of the liver could appear.
Princess
Your first name of Princess has created contrasting qualities in your nature. You desire change and varied experiences and you are capable in many areas, but you do not excel because of your scattering, impulsive desires. With supportive influence from other names you may use, you could be creative or artistic in a practical way, but basically this name is a plodding influence, though you have a desire for greater expression. Although you desire to avoid monotony, you seem to be attuned to system, order, and attention to detail. You can be very analytical, exacting, and patient as long as there is a challenge holding your interest, such as in the field of computers with its technical challenge. When your interest is exhausted, you switch to something else even though it means leaving your undertakings unfinished. This name makes you inquisitive and scientific in your approach to life, requiring everything to be proved to satisfy your skepticism. This skepticism has not protected you from many disappointments when people you have trusted have let you down. This name creates strong physical desires, such as an appetite for heavy, starchy foods and meat. Tension affecting the solar plexus and digestive organs could lead to ulcers, growths, or constipation.
Kitten
The name of Kitten creates an overly-sensitive nature which causes you to sense and feel far more than you can understand or put into words. You have a deep, artistic, and creative side which shows through a love for music and literature. Writing is a more natural mode of expression for your deeper thoughts and feelings than the spoken word. You have an ability to concentrate and work intently on anything which holds your interest. However, you prefer to avoid routine, monotony, and mental tasks. You enjoy the out-of-doors and find your greatest peace and relaxation from the beauty and harmony of nature. You prefer to limit your friendships and associations to those who share your interests and appreciate your quiet, refined ways. Others often find it difficult to understand you. Your feelings tend to build up within you and, if you cannot release them through a creative, constructive channel, you could suffer with frustration, moods, and much inner turmoil. This name causes tension in the region of the solar plexus, as well as the heart and lungs. Health problems would centre in those areas of the body.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:54 p.m.
121. Favorite movie? A Walk To Remember.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:19 p.m.
1. What brand of toothpaste? Colgate. I'm using Darlie now though as I couldn't get Colgate awhile back.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 04:24 p.m.
I will be struck down by a meteor!
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 04:14 p.m.
It was quiet. No cars sped by, no people ambled along the sidewalks. It was a ghostly place in that greyness. One could only imagine the rain coming down in sad splatters, like the tears of someone whose sorrows would not, and could not, be quenched. I knew instinctively it was Australia.
The landscape switched to modern Singapore. The tall skyscrapers, the city bustling with activity, its roads and bridges filled with little cars moving here and there like ants hurrying off to war. I was looking from the sky, at the river.
Holland. That same landscape I saw. Somehow the little house was on the beach. Tiffany and Christine were there, running up from the sand as the waves lapped at the shore in the distance. They came up to the road, shorts and slippers. I admired them for living near a beach.
Things to note:
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 03:28 p.m.
1. What did one atom tell another?
2. A small piece of sodium which lived in a testube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the sodium.The bunsen burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going through".
3. Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am".
4. A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender: " How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him and says: "For you, it's no charge".
5. Why did the white bear dissolve in water?
6. What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
7. What do dipoles say in passing?
8. Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
9. What do you do with a dead chemist?
10. What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron?
11. Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
12. What happens when electrons lose their energy?
13. What did one titration tell the other?
14. Why are chemists great for solving problems?
15. Do you know what happened to the chemist who was reading a book about Helium?
16. A florence flask was getting dressed for the opera. All of a sudden she screamed: "Erlenmeyer, my joules! Somebody has stolen my joules!". The husband replied: "Take it easy honey, do not overreact. We'll find a solution".
17. Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia?
18. What is a cation afraid of?
19. What did the match tell the flame?
20. What did the cowboy tell his horse?
21. How many moles are in a guacamole?
22. Why did the ice cube get divorced?
23. Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen?
24. What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
25. If H20 is water what is H204?
26. A psychotic chemist came home from work and had a big fight with his wife. In the heat of the moment, he grabbed a bottle of some lethal chemical substance and forced her to drink it while he screamed: " Die Ethyl, die". The wife dropped dead on the floor and the neighbors who were watching the scene, decided to call the police. The policemen arrived and arrested the chemist. One of them asked: Was there any reason for you to kill your wife? The chemist replied: " There was no chemistry between us. We never bonded well although we tried.In the compound where we lived, our temperaments collided. She always responded negatively to my comments. Our relationship was unstable. There was no possible solution. She had an attitude and I was explosive. Finally, I overreacted. But now I'm glad it's over. I'm in equilibrium again.I will feel free even behind the irons."
27. A group of organic molecules were having a party, when a group of robbers broke into the room and stole all of the guests joules. A tall, strong man, armed with a machine gun came into the room and killed the robbers one by one.The guests were very grateful to this man, and they wanted to know who he was. He replied: My name is BOND, Covalent Bond.
28. According to a chemist, why is the world so diverse?
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:47 p.m.
Break was spent buying a new photocopying card and photocopying lucius' Econs tutorial and some PubCo stuff. It was strange, and a little frustrating, that I could not find my tutorial this morning while packing my things, because the rest of my Econs stuff were there, all except my tutorial. Nevertheless, doing the tutorial a second time really helped me refresh my concepts, and I did know how to do most of the questions, although I forgot some of the notes I'd made during the last tutorial. I must ask around. I still need to pass the PubCo Aspironews Deadline sheet to Ramnik and Vic. PubCo's working on the new issue of Aspironews.
I slept very late last night (past 2a.m..) in order to rush my Econs MCQs. I'm glad they're done, so they're put aside for a while. It was quite difficult working on them as I had to study the notes too, especially on the Multiplier effect. Although we're not doing the Multiplier effect in class yet, it doesn't hurt studying in advance, and at least Chapter 11.1 is completed and marked.
I need to find some time to sit down and do corrections for the Vectors assignment. It's due on Friday. Maybe I should ask De Wen for help. I did 6 questions from the Differential Equations tutorial 2 after school, and as usual, I had to study the examples. At least now I know pretty much how to tackle the questions. They're pretty repetitive really. Maths can be fun when I have the time to sit down and do things slowly. I really want to do well for Block Test 1, and with this kind of progress, I'm scared to hope for an A but I will work for it.
Tomorrow will be a good day, I hope. It's Lit day, so there will be PC and Lit, then GP, ending with Maths. We'll get back our assignments/test during PC hopefully so I'll get to see if the new answering method I tried worked for me. I get let off at 1.35p.m. but I have CNY Formal at 7p.m. so that should leave me some time to do some studying.
My appetite improved quite a bit. I ate breakfast, recess, lunch and dinner. My mom says my fatigue and lack of appetite could be due to my stomach contracting as my body system is used to the lack of food. I should take more regular meals. De Wen says I made him happy today by eating my dinner. I thank him for accompanying me to dinner. I will eat food in school now but if no one joins me for dinner I don't have any incentive to eat because I have other things to do anyway. I do forget about lunch too.
I started drawing today when Econs lecture got a bit boring. We're starting on Money and Banking now, which is ok, except that the lecturer's a bit lame and monotonous. I drew pictures of a hand and fingers in different positions. My pictures received quite a few compliments today, and after school I drew another hand and fingers, imagined it holding a string with a shiny heart-shaped locket, and later started drawing the lamp, pillar and windows fringing the school canteen. lucius says I should pursue drawing. I'm considering it really. I was surprised because I only started doing something beyond little cartoon doodles today. I was pleased with my drawings. I think shading makes all the difference. I guess I will draw more for leisure.
I nearly slept during Geography lecture today but I tried not to and succeeded. We're doing Urban Geography, and there will be a test next Monday. Well well well.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:12 p.m.
Still, I had a great weekend. It was a weekend of piano, reading and chatting with friends and family. I played Michael Card's The Beginning book through twice and did Somewhere Out There and other songs from my new Ballads book (the one which I got from Borders last Monday. Besides that, I'm halfway through Love Hina 8 and I've finished Lifted Up By Angels and am now in the next book of The Angels Trilogy by Lurlene McDaniel: Until Angels Close My Eyes. I've been listening to Michael Card's The Beginning cd and listened to Michael Card's Poeima cd and another cd by The Wilds, Sing Praise To God.
I felt far from God this morning, but during church, somehow he drew my attention to Matthew 16:26 even though it wasn't mentioned in the sermon and I felt a lot better, even ecstatic. And the smiles and laughter, which have been staying far, came back.
Matt 16:26
A strong and powerful verse indeed. I should stop living in the past and start seeing what I can do for God right here. I do enjoy God, but only when I'm close to Him. May I keep close to Him always. For my goal is heaven, and I want to be part of the Millennial Kingdom mentioned in Revelation. As De Wen says, 'there is hope in the One we acknowledge in our days'.
I cried just now. It's amazing I just met De Wen yesterday because suddenly I felt a deep aching longing for him and the tears just came. I miss you Dewey.
I've bought E. M. Forster's Howard's End for $9.80, Kinokuniya. I've been wanting it for a long time. It'll be a while before I read it though. I still haven't really touched my library books. I've also done the gifts for the emcees. Each of them will be getting a small 5 to 6 cm tall bottle with little coloured balls, a pink paper crane and a green scroll. The two ends of the scroll are patternedly cut using my decorative scissors, and the scroll is filled with words describing my feelings about CNY and thanking them for the fun and the great working experience. The scroll is closed by a carefully chosen sticker. Feng Xue's is a blue rabbit and Pei Shan's is a pink squirrel. Feng Xue's bottle cap is gold/yellow and the balls are orange while Pei Shan's bottle cap is red, the balls blue. There is a nice gemstone heart on the front of the body of the bottle. Pei Shan's is red, Feng Xue's is blue. I spent since dinner on it, so it took at least an hour fitting everything in using tweezers and arranging them properly. I love this gift. It took effort, time and most of all, feeling. I love them both. I love my juniors. I can't wait to give Pei Shan and Feng Xue their gifts tomorrow. In my opinion, they made my CNY rock.
I've decided what to give De Wen and Xin Yi on February 14.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:40 p.m.
I'm keeping myself in school today except for a short lunch near school with De Wen. I'm going to try to finish next week's tutorials by today, latest tomorrow. The reason I seem to have homework every day is that homework is due every day. I should use the weekend to clear all the homework I have next week so I will be relatively free during breaks and after school to do other things e.g. practise Maths and read Othello.
The Angels Trilogy by Lurlene McDaniel is a great book. I'm on the second book in that collection of three now, Lifted Up By Angels. I hope De Wen will pass me Love Hina 8 soon so that I can finish reading it. Maybe then I'll work on Othello and Shakespeare's seven other plays that I've got. It hurts sometimes that I lost my focus and now I'm not doing 'S' papers, not so much the prestige but the opportunities. Here my contemporaries are studying more advanced things than I am. I've been trying to get over it, and I think I've gotten over it somewhat especially when I'm doing homework in school past 7 and I see the 'S' papers students stream out after class. Perhaps something I'd spend the whole afternoon completing would have been aced by them in less than 20 minutes flat, but still I appreciate studying alone. Yes, I like being alone.
Here are the things I need/want to complete roughly in order:
Checked out Career Guidance Board too. There is an American Education Fair on the 2nd of March and a Career one from the 6th to 9th of March. Should check out the Arts Enrichment Notice Board (Level 2 Left Wing) for some snippets too. What is ThinkQuest? The site's not up yet. I must check it out when it opens on the 15th of this month.
That's about all I think. Com lab closing soon. Take care all.
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