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Great day today. Yesterday I went out with CM after LTF. LTF was really cool, despite Andrew being totally tired and hence not so fun. ;) CM was ok and we did have a nice time together.
Today, I went out with XY after church. We watched Kate and Leopold. I think what Isaac says is right. Kate and Leopold is a very nice show. In fact, it's a really cool show, one of the best I've seen. It's somewhat like a fairy tale, but with humour injected at all the right places. XY and I were laughing at certain occasions. I think it's a satire, a humorous dig at the society we're in now. The loud music, the less-cultured and well-manned people as compared to the dukes of the past. XY and I were laughing at the duke who accidentally stepped through a portal into present day New York city. Whenever he did something wrong, he would say, "I do beg your pardon" and he would stand up whenever a lday came to or left the table. And etc. etc.
Dinner at Coffee Bean and an Ultimate Ice-Blended Mocha thereafter. What a life! :) XY tried a Cinnamon Ice-Blended. Maybe I should try out new flavours now and then.
Whenever I got scolded by my parents for using too much Internet, I used to envy CM for having so much freedom. Apparently now her mother is being unreasonable too, or at least in my opinion. Hope she gets her things sorted out though. Sigh...some people just don't understand certain things.
I'm probably taking the Maths. test tomorrow. Well well well. Hope I'll do well. I'll do some quick revision tonight and just take the test. Forget about the grand ideas of 10-year series revision. Why don't I just be a normal student? XY and I were talking about a certain girl whom we think studies too hard (yes, rumour has it she studies until 3a.m. every day) and seems to have no social life. I think in all things there has to be a balance. Glad I'm enjoying myself so far with great company and great life. I hope things will stay that way after the release of the O' Level results.
My friends are all worrying about the O' Level results except me, so now I'm acting as a comforter. I just don't worry until the day itself when I have to face a situation, which may be good or bad, whichever way you look at it. There's just no point worrying though, so I'll try not to worry, and just concentrate on my present studies. There's too much to worry otherwise than to worry about the O' Levels. Avenging Angel spoke on Sunday, February 24, 2002 09:25 p.m.
My Theory exam will be on the 9th of March. Any of you who read this, prayer will be much appreciated. I've been working on a few problems in my theory book (past examination papers) and they are really tough. Considering I found my Grade 7 exam easy (and I only got 70/100, considering the passing mark was 66, and also considering that I was the highest in class, the 5 other people in my class all getting 66), this one will really be a killer. Yesterday while working on my theory book, I was really filled with such a sense of dread that I wanted to back out of the exam. Of course, it is too late, and I've paid a lot of money just to take the exam, so I will have to take it.
Weirdly enough, I forgot to hand in my book to my teacher yesterday (just like I forgot to bring my wallet today - what on earth is happening to me??) so I have over the weekend, hopefully, to do even more work. I only managed to do Paper A and there are 4 papers altogether in the book, so hopefully I will be able to finish them all. I need to, because my theory paper is drawing near, and I still have 2 other books I need to complete (and they are quite blank too). I told myself sometimes it's the quantity, and not so much the quality that counts, because in this case, even if my answers are wrong, I would have practised on different varieties of questions, been exposed to enough practice to at least garner a decent pass. Hopefully my answers won't be too wrong though. Avenging Angel spoke on Saturday, February 23, 2002 10:33 a.m.
Just came back from a Mcdonalds with my family. If only I'd known beforehand today is a public holiday, I wouldn't have tried to make tons of plans. I was actually intending to go to school today to collect my violin and perhaps do some work and see my Maths. teacher regarding the Maths. test that I missed. I even intended to go to the library today to return my book (purposely finished my book today so that I could return all four library books). Unfortunately, the library that I am intending to go to is closed on public holidays. Happy Haji anyway!
I was close to tears today, lamenting how misunderstood I was. What happened was this morning, my father saw me on his computer. My computer still isn't fixed, so he yelled at my brother to go fix it, which he didn't, of course. Then, my dad took hold of an old Dell notebook computer that I haven't used for a very long time and when he saw a lot of 'rubbish' inside there, he was furious. He kept questioning me on certain programs inside, some of which I had never really used before. Then he scolded me, asking me what my computer always broke down. If only he knew that it wasn't my fault. For some reason, even if I don't download things on purpose or access any weird sites (the only sites I really access are search engines, knowledge-based sites, Pitas and NeoPets and a few odd sites here and there), my computer always breaks down, and it is always the computer I use. Even if my brother has 300+ mp3 files downloaded from the Internet onto his computer, and weird computer gear (he's a computer genius, or freak, whichever way you see it), his computer doesn't really run into problems.
Then my father started being sarcastic about so many things and generally annoying me, so I sat stony-faced throughout the entire car trip to Mcdonalds. Thankfully later on the way up the steps in Mcdonalds, he patted me on the back and said, "Sayang the girl", sort of an expression of love. Then he gave me a big smile. Later he gave me a big cute wave showing that he had found a table, and I couldn't help smiling somewhat. I think it's easy to appease me. My father can be really nice sometimes.
I had a huge talk with my parents about things in general, and how I wanted to change church because the distance is really too far to cover by bus. I have to travel a really long way (about 45-1h of journey) just to reach church, and considering I am going for LTF and church, I have to spend a lot of time travelling to and fro. What is the point when there is another church about 5 minutes from my house (and it's a good church too, because the family actually spent a few years there)? I think I'm going to stick with this church, hopefully until I graduate from most of the services in there now, because I'm in the LTF camp committee and youth choir treasurer, so since I hold a post, I think I still have a commitment to fulfil. It should be a few years' time before I'm too old for LTF and youth choir, so instead of joining the Youth fellowship and adult choir, I might just consider joining those fellowships in the church nearer my house.
Thinking about my back problem now. Actually, it's not a problem anymore. I still remember the doctor saying to forget I ever stepped into hospital because of that (yes, I spent about 4 years wearing a back brace for my scoliosis) but some things never fade, and those few years of wearing a brace were pure agony. Avenging Angel spoke on Saturday, February 23, 2002 10:19 a.m.
I'm staying home from school today. Woke up in the middle of the night and was debating whether I should/should not stay home. I decided to stay home because frankly, I'm mentally sick of school. Granted, I was coughing really badly the whole of last night, but that can be seen as an excuse to get me out of school. I really need a day off, and my weekend is always crammed full of activities that I don't have much time to do what I need to do.
I need to get my Geography notes read (I actually spent more than an hour reading the notes yesterday. Time passed so fast. I was ENJOYING the notes and when I turned around to look at the clock it was already 1 hour and 10 minutes gone). I also need to get my Theory Book done. Technically, my teacher only told us to get the first unit done but since I only have a few weeks more to my examination, and 3 books to do, I might as well do 1 entire book. After all, how much time is there left?
Also, I should get my NeoPets life more organised, as well as council duties fulfilled. Oops...realised I have to be on tomorrow to get the Grab Bags done. The problem with NeoPets is sometimes that the time zone is different from that over here. Sometimes this can be good though.
Hope I'll manage to fulfil what I have to fulfil without my mother later coming home and screaming that she tried to call the whole day but never could get through because I was always on the Internet. I would be spending more time on public computers and Internet accounts if only they allow me to play games there because after all, games are an important source of livelihood on NeoPets. Found out Hannah plays NeoPets - yippee! (And she has 600000NP in the bank too. How on earth did she get so rich???
Today my dad came in to my room and asked me why I wasn't going to school. I said I didn't feel well (seriously stressed from the Maths. test but I didn't tell him that...at least that will give me some more time to study). Then he told me to see the doctor if I need to and went off. I felt really cared for. Had a talk with XY yesterday (Best Friend's Day). She said I should really appreciate my parents because they are cool people. I told her objectively that I agree, but personally I have nothing really much in common with them. It's like I admire certain people for doing certain things, but that doesn't mean I make friends or get along well with them. Sometimes it's just natural whether friendships get made or not. Thankfully I have a best friend.
Last night I dreamed I talked to my dad about Lord of the Rings. Is that weird or not? And I have this feeling of a cold hand touching my forehead. Seriously I need that cold hand. I'm not feeling too good physically, I guess. I stayed in bed until about 9.45am today. Is that oversleeping or not? I stayed in bed despite waking up a few times and being semi-conscious sometimes because I didn't feel too rested yet, but got up because maybe I have been so over-rested that I feel uncomfortable. I don't know. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between too little and too much. Reminds me of Chemistry titration in Secondary School. You can't put too little or too much otherwise the colour of the solution will be different. Avenging Angel spoke on Friday, February 22, 2002 10:45 a.m.
Quite a sad day today. Apparently I was brought back to reality. Despite my constant attempts and ability to smile always and maintain a cheerful attitude, I just couldn't smile today. There were 3 reasons, I think.
Firstly, my Maths. teacher said something that made me quite upset and tearful. He said I wasn't paying attention and was doing my own work in his class and that was why I had to ask him a question (a really simple one) because I didn't catch what he was saying. It was true that I wasn't paying attention but doing my own work because I had already asked him questions on the worksheet we were discussing the day before so I only had problems with the last question. I was concentrating on my own work (Maths) but I did try to pay attention to the last problem.
I wanted to tell him two things: (1) That I didn't pay attention at first because I didn't want to be confused by his teaching if I already knew how to do the work, and (2) That I am stupid, thus the need to ask him so many questions. I don't know if I did the right thing to ask another Maths. teacher questions since he wasn't available at first but I was really put off by his accusation, even if he said it in a cheerful tone. I just don't like people to put me down because I have a very high moral expectation of myself. I didn't say those two statements though, because I already have very low esteem of my Maths.
Sigh...my Maths test is tomorrow and I'm not confident. Anyway I've got to go now because my irritating parents don't want me online anymore. They are chasing me off the line earlier and earlier. Now I only get to go online just a little more than an hour. I must try to make more use of the school computers. Thankfully I type quickly and thus am able to accomplish slightly more in the limited amount of time I have. Avenging Angel spoke on Thursday, February 21, 2002 08:53 p.m.
Ok...I know this page is really long but I think I will only archive pages on a monthly basis. Once this month is over, I will archive all this in a page called 'February' and start afresh. Don't want everybody to keep scrolling down, even though everyone is probably either already doing so, or not even reading my page anymore. ;)
Avenging Angel spoke on Monday, February 18, 2002 07:52 p.m.
Another day today. First swimming lesson. It was great! I managed to swim 6 laps and I'm really proud of that. I think all P.E. lessons should be on swimming. I just love the sport. I don't want to push myself too hard every week though. Even though I felt really refreshed after the swimming and the nice shower following that, my legs were quite wobbly when I first got out of the water. I was trying to do my best at swimming today, which worked since later my classmates commented that I'm a fast swimmer. Thankfully next week, and probably a few weeks after that will be on swimming.
The O level results will probably be released on Monday. I'm not feeling too good about it. Elizabeth said I radiate an aura of 6-pointedness. Well, I'm not dismissing the thought of getting 6 points completely, but I just hope to do well enough to get into the JC I'm in again. I'll feel really homeless and ashamed if I get kicked out, almost like how I felt when I didn't make it to choir. Talking about CCAs, I feel like quitting my CCAs and joining a sport CCA but sports require commitment, which I may not be prepared to give. I just like the thrill of exercising sometimes and I feel a sense of fulfilment after doing a few laps of running or swimming.
I'm having a long day tomorrow, made even longer by the fact that I have CCA after the lessons. I'll probably end school at 6.30pm tomorrow. As for Thursday, we're having Human Geography make-up tutorial, which will make my day end at 5.05pm but I hope that won't influence my Best Friend's Day. I do want to spend some more time with my friend.
Still very bitter about my family and certain people in my class. I'm becoming a very mean person and a little flippant too to other people in my class. I just hope people are able to see my for what I really am. I truly believe I'm above certain things.
XY got really angry today when I told her that my senior calls me and PY the 'Lesbian Pair' just because we hang out together. We're not lesbians, for certain, and my senior was only joking, but XY didn't think the joke was funny. I guess it isn't. I guess a lot of things depend on perspectives. It's difficult sometimes to do things, because one never knows what others think. Thankfully most people (I hope) have certain people in their lives who know what they really are like so they can live in peace and without having to live to societal expectations. I'm not happy that my family and friends expect me to do well. I'm grateful that XY will not be ashamed of me if I do badly.
I saw this thing on TV Mobile today. This woman (I forgot her name), a former politician, apparently had her whole private love life exposed to public. She was recently interviewed on Channel NewsAsia and she said that she was trying to be brave but it seemed she was disillusioned with society for expecting too much and not treating her like an ordinary human being. I guess I sympathise with her. It isn't fair that her private life, however horrific it may be, be exposed to the public. I hope to get my hands on a book she has written so I can read more about her.
Today I asked for an appointment with my Maths teacher to discuss Sigma Notation. Apparently I had some difficulty figuring out the notes. I'm going to try the AP and GP revision exercise tonight and ask my teacher to clarify my problems if I have any. I have been quite slack recently in my work and I don't want to be bottom in my class. I really must buck up. Also, there are certain people I dislike in my class and I have vowed to beat them in whatever test there will be in future. That is...if or WHEN I not get kicked out of my current JC. Avenging Angel spoke on Monday, February 18, 2002 07:36 p.m.
Realised I haven't told my parents about the LTF committee thing. Oops. Maybe I'll find some time to tell them. Haven't told them about the $30 I was forced to spend today fixing my handphone when I could have just asked my dad for help. The truth is I'm having some trouble with them. They are treating me well and civilly but I feel distant from them and don't really like them a lot.
Sigh...going for dinner now. They've been telling me nicely repeatedly so I think I'd better go now. Avenging Angel spoke on Sunday, February 17, 2002 08:05 p.m.
Still sick today. Felt really uncomfortable. I lost my voice just before the choir presentation but God answered my prayer and opened up my voice after about 3 lines of the first presentation. I managed to sing to my heart's content. I really felt bad when I couldn't sing before.
Choir is getting much more fun. Everyone seems to be asking me how is school (everyone at church, I mean). I wonder why. Today my choir teacher talked to me. He's really nice and I like him a lot but I have difficulty communicating to people in general. I always seem to say the wrong things at the wrong time and portray myself differently from what I would like to have myself portrayed as. Thankfully my good friends know me better and I'm able to make some new friends too.
I'm trying to be more friendly now. I admire CM for the fellowship she has with the guild members. I'm not free enough to be on such close terms with them and I'm sometimes wary of some of them after a certain person I knew from the Internet got me into big trouble with the church and my dad. I do like some people in the guild though, especially most of the council members. I think they are really great people to work with, and I'm glad to be in council. I made a new friend this week, _dead_man_inc_. Hopefully he will turn out to be satisfactory.
Meeting XY tomorrow for Best Friend's Day. Tomorrow will be quite a long day but at least I have that to look forward to. Today I spent quite a boring day in the library alternating between struggling to do work and doodling. I managed to come up with a few cool designs for Sensorium Vale though. I'm enjoying church and choir. I kind of like studying, but only the listening to lecture, lessons and sermons part. Sometimes I dislike sitting down doing homework. Managed to do just enough for Geography Tutorial 2 and 3 today. Must finish up on Tutorial 3 soon. Thankfully I've already done my Economics tutorial a long time ago. Hopefully I'll get down to reading my Physical Geography notes sometime.
Oops...realised I haven't fulfilled a lot of commitments yet. Got to get the Secretary and Treasurer job organised for the LTF camp committee and I still haven't got CM and Yukiez's presents done. Got a few ideas already, but haven't implemented them yet. Sorry, CM. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten though. If I really do (God forbid), feel free to kick me. :) Yes, I'm going out with CM on Wednesday to watch Black Hawk Down. Friendship is really picking up.
Someone called me asking me if I did do Quiet Time. Yes, I did. I'm enjoying fellowship with God so far. Hope I'll have good reports of tomorrow. :) Avenging Angel spoke on Sunday, February 17, 2002 07:52 p.m.
Your Idealist Valentine – The Soulmate
Are you Prince or Princess Charming? For Idealists, romance is a “way of life,” an approach that does not limit itself to the realm of relationships. They look for deep connection with a partner: open communication, the sharing of dreams and life purposes, ongoing exploration of feelings, and sex as communion. No mate is initially as willing to accept your “darker side” than an Idealist – who may even find your faults compelling. However, Idealists are particularly prone to disappointment when a partner tumbles from the pedestal they have erected. Your Idealist mate may also be plagued (and plague you) with persistent anxiety, the vague worry that things are “too good to be true.”
Got this from Personality Zone - AdvisorTeam's Newsletter. It's pretty cool. I think it very well describes me. Avenging Angel spoke on Saturday, February 16, 2002 07:43 p.m.
Apparently I really have quite a busy life. I just found out that I had to go for an LTF (Lively Teens Fellowship) camp committee meeting at 12pm and then I went out for lunch with the other committee members, and afterwards for LTF. I just came home. Believe it or not, I am/was not even in the LTF, so it is/was weird that they were/are putting me in the camp committee! What a ploy to get me to join LTF. Nevertheless, it is working out really for good since I really had a refreshing time with the LTFers. Hopefully being in the LTF camp committee and coming regularly for LTF meetings will draw me closer to God. Today, they were all shocked that I haven't been doing my Quiet Time. Oops...I guess I'll start tonight. I made a new friend too. She's a Sec. 1 student at NYGH called Hannah, and she's in Track!
I'm online again now. Hopefully I can spend more time online. I want to go out after church tomorrow too but that will leave me only a short time for my homework, and now where are all my plans for revision and yadayada going???
My flu is still getting on. This afternoon I ate lunch at Taco Bell (Lido) and a dinner of leftovers from a wedding at church (I wasn't invited, naturally!). Ew...it was nice, I guess, but cold food, and snitching from the table wasn't exactly nice, even if they were leftovers! I used up just so much tissue today at LTF, I'm sure everyone knows I'm sick. I think I can sing tomorrow though...yay! Oh...and perhaps I can go out with XY on Monday, so I'd better not be sick then. How busy can my life get? Avenging Angel spoke on Saturday, February 16, 2002 07:39 p.m.
I'm still sick. I actually slept for nearly 12 hours, from about 10.25pm last night to 10.15am this morning. My throat is still sore and my head is still not that great yet. I hope that this sickness will go one of two ways, either making me completely well by Sunday, or making me so sick that I not only miss the singing on Sunday but also school on Monday. What good is sickness if I don't miss any lessons? And anyway, the lessons on Monday are not very pleasant since we end school at 4.25pm after P.E. and Human Geography. Human Geography may very well be fun, but I just dislike this girl Pamela in my class who keeps asking questions and talks to me with a really skeptical and stuck-up attitude.
My maid caused me to shout at her this morning and strain my voice. I was just asking her politely to make some soup for me when she just shouted and told me to speak up. Feeling annoyed, I shouted back. I just can't stand people who treat you like lower beings, which reminds me of some of the teachers in my school who talk in such sarcastic terms and scold you without leaving you a chance for defense. I just can't believe such people can live through life like that. Don't they feel at all ashamed at being so rude to others?
I can't see any message from CM and yesterday my ex-classmate from Primary School called, wanting to arrange a meeting. She said she would call my other ex-classmates and settle a date and time before calling me back again but she never called, even though I left the phone lines open. I suppose two dates are off then. If so, I might just go out to the library today to study but I do want to watch the Chingay Parade at 4.45pm. I did want to go to school today but it will take me a long time to go to and from school (about 1 hour total). Somehow even though I've got one afternoon free, I have so many things on my list to do, which includes my school homework, my music homework, and my revision for both my school subjects (including readings) and my music examination. I guess it's good that I don't join Track then. I've been still deliberating about whether to join Track, but I'd rather leave a few afternoons free for me to do whatever I want, and perhaps still go online so I will have some life. :) Avenging Angel spoke on Saturday, February 16, 2002 11:01 a.m.
I was sick today. It wasn't a very nice experience and I didn't even want to miss school today because the periods after break were GP and Maths (I love GP and Maths) and after that there was Chinese Culture, but since I didn't miss any periods, what would it do good to miss Chinese Culture? Besides, I went out with Pei Yu after school to Venezia (at 6th Avenue) for ice cream. I hope it won't spoil my throat because I have to participate in a Youth Choir presentation on Sunday. I still feel unwell now though but I'm going to clear up my mail and do my council duty. I feel guilty for not doing it and I think I do have the time to do it.
I got the form for the Humanities and Social Sciences Programme. I don't like it that some people in the S7 faculty are interested in participating in the programme too. Can't they participate in something in their field, e.g. Biology, Chemistry or Physics? I think they should leave the places open for the Arts people, since we ultimately are in that field, but I don't really blame them since I would want to do my utmost to ensure that I get the best enrichment I can, regardless of how it affects others.
Anyway, I have to get the form completed by the 20th of February, which is quite a problem since I only received notice of this programme today (15th February) and since when I checked the notice board I couldn't find the list of project topics, I cannot do the project proposal yet, but have to wait until Monday (18th February). I also have to get a recommendation from my Secondary School teacher. Where am I going to find all the time to do everything? Nevertheless, I still expect to complete the form in time, and even though during dinner I decided not to do the programme because my Grade 8 theory examination is in March, this project will most probably be after the first 3 months of school and so hopefully will not interfere too much. I can still negotiate on the meeting arrangement with my NUS mentor so I don't expect too much time management problems...that is, if I get in the programme. I have to learn to manage my time properly anyway, though.
Friendship with CM is picking up again. We talked again today. She actually read the previous entry before I had a chance to update it with something better. Hopefully it didn't give her too big of a shock. I talked to her just now and she was nice about it. Sometimes you never know how a person reacts to something you've just written but at least CM seems to be taking it well. I hope I can go out with her tomorrow or sometime soon. Maybe the fact that I was actually sad about losing her and willing to talk again shows we did have a friendship.
Valentine's Day was pretty cool. I received just so many presents, and so many surprise ones too. Not only did I get really cool gifts from my Angels and Mortals (and I did guess my Angel's identity correctly), I also got gifts from Sanny and Stephanie, two of my classmates, as well as WT, another friend. XY also gave me something. CM wrote something really nice in the Interact Club card too. I haven't eaten any of the biscuits in the Interact package yet though. Apparently the guy (yes, the guy again!) guessed my identity!!! He addressed his present to me instead of my nickname and said that he knew it was me writing to him a long time ago. WOW... PY said that he said later that he actually knew it was me from the second letter onwards. I don't know whether to believe him or not. I still like him a lot. This afternoon, he said hi to me and PY. I actually didn't see him until later! Sometimes people can just walk by me without my noticing. I wonder why.
There's no music lesson tonight and no CCA tomorrow either so I'm pretty free for tonight. I hope to watch First Touch later since it's a rare opportunity to watch tv, and on Friday too! Tomorrow if I don't go out with CM, I will go to school and do homework. I do have to catch up on my homework and readings. I don't want to be last in class. I hope to slowly but steadily climb to the top of my class. Anyway, I think I might give XY and CM calls later.
XY's birthday was really cool. We spent a great Best Friend's Day and XY's Birthday at the Coffee Bean and Tea Left and I treated her to two pieces of cake! Now when did I ever become so generous? It must be the Chinese New Year that's getting to me. I've never seen so much money in my life. It might not be as much as others receive but it is a lot to me. What can one expect from me, since I pick up 1 cent from the ground anyway. I found 50 cents on a Coffee Bean table though. :)
I can't wait to spend my money on something nice for myself but hopefully not splurge so much that the whole horde of money disappears. Right now on my wishlist I have a whole set of colour pens, a Blue cd and a Bardot cd. I'm now quite hooked on my classical music though (I just love Messiah by Handel and Mass in F major and Mass in B Minor by J. S. Bach) so the pop cds are not that urgent. I may decide not to buy them anyway. I hope to buy Lord of the Rings too (the $30 book comprising the entire collection, with exception of The Hobbit, I think), but I have a lot of readings to do, so I'd better get started on them first. I hope to return the three library books I've read soon but maybe I'll finish the fourth one first so as to keep the library receipt true. I might want to try out for the freebies the library is offering.
Tonight was not a bad night, despite my being sick. I managed to clear most of my mails, neomails and the Grab Bags. I must remember to buy CM and Yukiez's presents and read my Hotmail mails tomorrow or as soon as possible. Avenging Angel spoke on Friday, February 15, 2002 08:25 p.m.
Sigh...I am feeling really very sad now. I'm still mourning the loss (in friendship) for CM and the guy I have been talking about. I still call him the guy here for no particular reason but anyway, I'm just sad that he isn't responding to me. Not that I'm taking any initiative to do anything though, but still, I hope you get what I mean. I'm really trying to express my thoughts here but I can't even get clear of them. I wish there was a counsellor but I don't even trust counsellors to just listen and not give any standard advice.
My father just did something mean. He spoke about me to my mother right in front of me as if I was invisible. I just hate that! Ok...I do it to my grandmother too but then again I hate her. Does my father hate me? I've argued with my father both today and yesterday morning too and I actually shouted at my dad yesterday. I just hate it when people act superior to others. Then again, I'm also guilty of this, but I really get very angry with my dad. Sometimes he can be really an MCP.
NeoPets isn't happening and I'm don't feel like doing the grab bags nor the welcomers. I know that's really irresponsible but I'm so sad that I can really just literally press the Leave Guild button like I did last time. It isn't, and wasn't, the guild's fault though.
The guy (there's him again) has just lost his grandfather. :( No wonder he didn't come to school on Chinese New Year's Eve and I thought he was skipping school too. Hope I'll live through Valentine's Day with him around (no, not because of fantasizing that we will be together, but rather because he's my Mortal and I will have to face him and reveal my identity. There are lots of awkward things I've written to him about and well...there's that lost train of thought again).
Just hope he feels better and I feel better too. Am getting a headache now. Avenging Angel spoke on Tuesday, February 12, 2002 07:11 p.m.
Seems like forever since I last used the computer or went on the Internet. Hopefully I will be able to have my own computer fixed and also use the school computer during breaks. Many things have happened since I last updated this page.
First off, today is the first day of Chinese New Year! Happy Chinese New Year to all! Personally though, I'm not particularly excited this year because of my school workload and also because of the fact that Valentine's Day is the day after the second day of Chinese New Year. I haven't prepared the presents for my Angels and Mortals yet. I don't even know what to give one of my Mortals. Also, I see Chinese New Year as a period where you get together with relatives you haven't seen for a long time and where you are forced to put up a front and pretend to be nice. Today was ok though since my relatives do care for me....or are they putting up a front too?
My grandmother is trying to be nice to me, I think. She has been trying to talk to me, by saying something to me and touching my hand. I'm not interested though and in spite of the guilt in me (because I'm rude to her), I still snatch my hand away from her and ignore her. I act like she doesn't exist and I don't look at her in the face. I don't say a single word to her. I wish she would stop bothering me though. It would be much better for the both of us. In the car just now, when everyone else had gone inside the petrol station except me (because I hate getting out of cars in petrol stations), she apologised to me but I didn't say anything. I've talked to my Sunday School teacher about this but I just didn't realise how nice my grandmother was. I painted a bad picture of her. Just too bad that I don't want to know her.
My heart has broken up with my good friend CM. Maybe if CM reads this, she'll be heartbroken because her actions day by day aren't anything different. I don't think she knows what I really think about our friendship. I don't blame her because I have been responding to her readily (as in, not acting so obviously disinterested like to my grandmother). I just don't initiate any conversations with her anymore nor go find her at her class bench. I have been feeling like I just broke up with a boyfriend (but trust me, I'm not a lesbian), and it gives me a lot of pain to lose such a friend, but somehow my heart is distant from her. It all happened during the Chinese New Year celebrations at my Secondary School.
We did get the nod to go back to my Secondary School and I walked back with CM. We waited at the Auditorium front for XY though since XY has to come from a much further JC. Perhaps I was too sensitive but I was quite irritated when CM kept complaining about how long it took to wait and said that she shouldn't have come with me. She wanted to go up and watch the celebrations. We did go up and make a round but later we went down because I didn't want XY to be kept waiting. Finally she said that if XY didn't come within the next 3 minutes, she would go up by herself. Good thing XY came though.
That wasn't all, unfortunately. During the course of our walk together and the wait, I was teasing her about being a 'squeak'. Frankly speaking, I am, and have been really guilty about it, even before the final fight, but I just can't help calling her that. She did seem a little quiet then though, and I was sorry, so I asked her what was wrong but she didn't tell me. That got me irritated since she kept to herself. After that, she got me all worried about my favourite teacher's telephone number. She had previously given it to me and then she just said that she had lied. I suppose she wanted to joke around but I think she doesn't understand the significance of that telephone number or my admiration for my teacher. I think that was why it hurt so much. I actually asked my teacher whether that was her number and I'm pretty sure now that it is. Later CM said I was gullible though, and after all the blows, I didn't take that as a joke. I didn't show it though.
Well, it's a pity for both of us, and I've been thinking about these events until this day. For some reason, CM has really hurt me a lot and I'm upset. I'm not trying to be stubborn, but whenever I look at her, there is no more of that good friendship that we share. It's only a 'hi' and 'bye' situation now which occurs when one sees an acquaintance.
A pity that I'm losing this good friend. My friend hierachy is quite organised. I have a best friend and many sub-best friends (taken from sub-council), which are my best friends in certain areas (CM, for example, is my NeoPets and Internet best friend while PY is my junior college best friend), so I'm losing a really good friend, one of the top of the friend hierachy. I wonder though if our relationship was strong in the past though, because although I went out with her a few times and talked to her a lot, I can't work out this problem with her.
Talking about NeoPets though, I haven't been online for days, and I've been struggling somewhat to cope, but strangely enough, I don't want to hire an assistant for my post and I don't want to give up my council position. I'm still going to work things out until I eventually don't meet expectations and get sacked.
Our former President, Mr. Ong Teng Cheong, has just passed away on Friday. I went to his house, which was open to the public, to just visit his family, shake their hands and view the body. It was scary seeing a dead body though, and he seemed so grey and old, unlike the picture everyone sees of him in the newspaper and the school. I found out only now that his contribution to the country far exceeds that of what I know of it (his contribution).
I have read three books. Yes, I did ask myself what I am doing reading books when I have so much work to do over the Chinese New Year holidays, but it's true that I finished three books. I read two 'crappy books' (in my opinion anyway), one on dating for girls and another on writing a journal for girls. They are pretty helpful. I did realise that I broke quite a few rules on dating for girls, and I can relate to the examples pretty well. As for the journal, aren't I doing one right now? I don't agree with the bulk of what the book says though.
I finished the third book today. It's called 'Seedlings' and it's an anthology of short-story and poems, winning entries of the Student Literary Award 2001 (Singapore). It's very well-written and I truly enjoy it. Talk about abstract masterpieces! I'm currently reading another book called 'onewinged' (yes, with lower-case letters), and it's another anthology, only a bigger one, of the poems and prose of young writers in Singapore. I look forward to reading more of it, but it's a thick book.
That's all for now. Funny why I only have 59 unread mail messages in my inbox. Haven't the council corresponded in the past week? Well well well... Avenging Angel spoke on Tuesday, February 12, 2002 03:50 p.m.
I'm now using my father's computer. Hopefully my father won't come back soon otherwise he will get really furious with me. My brother's mouse isn't working properly, and I get really irritated when computers waste my time. As if I've got so much time to waste.
Today was another great day. I'm really fortunate to have good friends. I have this joke where whoever is first to reach a tutorial or lecture will get to take the S paper for the subject so my friend PY and I usually rush to each lesson to try to achieve that aim. We always end up laughing. I think it's a great way to start a lesson. Just happens today Stephanie and SJ joined in the fun. PY and I were as usual rushing to Maths Lecture when two people rushed past us. We ended up running from the bottom floor to the top floor giggling, rushing to get ahead of each other. We were actually so childish that we pulled each other back to keep each other from entering the lecture hall. Finally when PY and I entered first and Stephanie and SJ sat down first, we just ended up laughing. It was really cool to be so excited just before a lesson. I thought the boys who saw us running up giggling thought we were a group of mad girls though. ;)
I received a letter from my Angel today. How sweet!!! I really like my seniors. :)
During Maths Tutorial, we spent the entire lesson on 1 problem which even though PY breezed through it, I was completely stuck. I think my Maths teacher might be mockingly giving up on me. I think he's shocked I actually signed up for the Maths Selection test to get selected for the American Maths Competition, Singapore Maths Olympiad and the Maths Masterclass. Obviously I didn't even pass the first round.
Today was Best Friends' Day. A pity PY didn't get to go out with her best friend (from PJ) because she (PY) had an appointment with her mother and only both of them were free today. I went out with my best friend as usual though and we had a great time. Oh yes, tomorrow is the Chinese New Year Celebrations for my Secondary School and the whole group of us JC 1s from the same Secondary School are going back, hopefully. Our ex-council president is going to ask for approval for us to get let off school for 3 periods. What an interesting idea... My best friend is also let off early (tomorrow is her early day) so we will hopefully meet at our Secondary School and talk to a few teachers, then I'll bring her around my JC (we're both planning to get in this JC after the 1st 3 months). Afterward we'll go for ice-cream. Can't wait for tomorrow! Even Chinese Culture seems fun. :)
Oh well...still got to rush a lot of NeoPets stuff. I don't want to have to quit my NeoPets guild council because I can't handle the workload and I'm not one to shirk responsibility. Hopefully all will go well and expected tomorrow. Avenging Angel spoke on Thursday, February 7, 2002 08:45 p.m.
Didn't update my page yesterday because my computer kept jamming up. I'm on my brother's computer now. Funny how things keep getting messed up when I use them. I call my friend PY the destroyer but it seems like I'm quite a destroyer myself.
The guy I like sent me a message saying he isn't the person whom I thought he was (i.e. the person who created the Dancer In The Dark page). I don't believe it though. There's too much evidence against him. I don't really care though. I'm not replying his letter to tell him why I think it's him on the page. I'm a little tired of him. He's friendly in general (not really to me, but anyway...) and I actually was distracted in class yesterday thinking about him (yes, I was THIS crazy) but I think things are getting better between us (he doesn't know a thing yet, but I'm feeling much more neutral towards him...at least I hope I am).
I'm getting along quite well with my friends. I realise that JC is a little like Secondary School life in a way because I'm quite close to this girl in my class PY, but to the others I'm more of a casual acquaintance. I mean, I can carry on a conversation with any of them and I'm quite friendly with them, but I don't think I really take any initiative to go beyond the initial pleasantries.
I've decided what I'm going to give my friends and bought most of my new year clothes!!! I bought a pair of blue jeans and another pair of blue checkered dress pants for $9.90 each at Bestway Clementi. Call me a bargain shopper? I guess I don't like to spend a lot. I did let myself go somewhat though when I paid $14.90 for a nice sleeveless top from Disney (from Bestway Clementi) that had a nice sparkly pink Mickey (or is it Minnie?) and 'Simply Glamorous' below. I fell in love with it. I didn't want to rush to buy another top from Bestway Clementi though because a) Even though the Pooh tops are nice, I don't like the Pooh logo; b) I was getting tired of shopping yesterday and I didn't feel like shopping anymore (knowing me, I take AGES to choose something) and c) I believe I can find a cheap and nice top somewhere (a $5 one, maybe?)
I'm making gifts for my mortals and my best friend. I already bought the materials. It will take some time and effort to make the gifts though but I think it's worth it. I believe handmade gifts really show one's appreciation and care for someone else, and I really appreciate my angels, mortals and best friend. I believe my seniors have helped me a lot in getting used to JC life and enjoying it in HC.
Today we had a Principal's Address which was brought forward because of the uncertainty as to when the O Level results would be released. The sudden mention of the O Level results have brought a few people 'back to reality' and made some slightly fearful of the future. I still maintain slight uncertainty as I hope my handwriting will not hinder the examiners from reading my answers. I believe my answers are not of bad quality. Hopefully I will make it to HC again or at least make it to a JC. I wouldn't want to get 21 points and not be eligible for the 2-year course. My mother says that in the event I am not eligible for the 2-year course, she suggests I retake the O Levels, i.e. repeat Secondary 4. It may be slightly shameful to return to my Secondary School (since it is a prestigious Secondary School and I am quite a good student there) but well, if I have to, I have to. It's a pity that if I'm not eligible for the 2-year course, I don't even stand a chance of appealing to ANY JC. How 1 point can make a difference.
I'm going through ups and downs as usual. I just hope I don't sink into a period of depression AGAIN. String is getting along well and I'm going to join Sensorium Vale too, plus I'm already in ELDDFS and Geographical Society. I hope that this won't put too much of a toll on me. So far it hasn't. I think I might try out for Track sometime just to experience what being in Track is like. My senior suggests I stick to 2 CCAs and hopefully get a leadership position in them but 1) It's unlikely I get a leadership position in String because I'm learning the violin from scratch, I'm not particularly good in English for the ELDDFS, I'm not particularly good in computers for SV and I'm not particularly good in Geography for the Geographical Society, and 2) I want to try out various CCAs for my own enrichment, so I can pick up a few tips. After all, not everyone can be a leader, and at least I can get a few points from being class secretary.
That's all the blogging I'm going to do for tonight. Hopefully my computer will be back up and running soon. Avenging Angel spoke on Wednesday, February 6, 2002 08:11 p.m.
Things are looking better by the day. I'm becoming more independent and enjoying greater freedom in terms of decisions and time.
I had quite a relaxing day today. First off was P. E., but since there would be a cross-country run today, we didn't do any strenuous exercises, but rather watched an interesting sports documentary about the sports school in China and the young athletes who train there. Since the documentary only lasted 1 out of the 2 P. E. periods, we had a whole 45 minutes free. Furthermore, our next lesson, Geography, was also a nice set of two free periods as our teacher didn't come today. Another break, and then we had only 1 period of Economics, which ended another 5 to 10 minutes early. I spent the free time doing my Mathematics Tutorial and just relaxing. I like doing things slowly.
I am angry with this guy (actually the guy which I mentioned that I like yesterday). For some reason I am angry that he can't see that I like him and he doesn't have anything to say to me anyway, while he is close to a few of the people in my class. I just get jealous when he shows concern for some of the people in my class. The other time, during the Junior-Treat-Senior outing (JTS), he told my friend that he could see she was upset about something because he knew her well enough. Well, I guess sometimes relationships are hard to explain. It just happens that some people can clique together and some cannot. Sigh...I hope I will learn to forget him. He probably doesn't understand the agony I've been going through for weeks and the love I have for him (really, I believe that love is so blind that sometimes I am willing to do just about anything for him).
Cross-country was cool. I ran all 3.2km, believe it or not. It was basically a test of willpower and I believe that the more I do things like this the more I believe in myself. Ever since I ran all 2.4km during P. E., I've believed that I am able to achieve things physically. I actually refused to let myself stop during the 3.2km run and slowed to a jog instead when I got tired. I feel that that enables me to have better stamina when I run at my own pace and regulate my own breathing. All in all, I like to run alone. I realise that some people run really fast in the beginning and walk in the middle. I started from a slow jog in the beginning and gradually started running a little faster, slowing down occasionally, and finally sprinting towards the finishing line. I suppose different people have their own different styles of running but I'm pretty confident that this style works for me. If so, P. E. should be getting better. :)
I'm trying to rush my Chinese New Year shopping as well as the shopping for my 3 angels and 2 mortals' gifts on Valentine's Day, and buying my best friend's birthday present as well (she's a Valentine's Day baby). I know for sure that I will definitely buy quality and nice gifts for my friends but it's only a matter of how I spread out my finances. I don't want to spend too much. I walked through Coronation Plaza and Jurong East Entertainment Centre today. I've seen a pair of shoes that I like from Bata (but the size I need is out of stock so I am going to try out another Bata outlet tomorrow, hopefully) and I quite like a white top and blue jeans from Giordano. I might buy a red jacket too but I'm still debating whether or not to buy the jacket since it means more money spent and also I don't really like red nor long-sleeved clothes. I just love the smart cuts in the jacket though. I've bought something for my angel GL and I know what I want to get for my mortals. I'm going to personally make things for them (wanted to get some materials from Popular but it was closed...so you can see how long I stayed out today). I think things are progressing but I hope to settle all my shopping by early this week. My good friend CM and I might be going to a flea market at Kallang this Saturday though and so I might find some interesting things there. Although it is easy to please me (when people give me gifts), it is not easy for me to buy something since I have specific wants i.e. I will not buy any pair of sports shoes with laces, I want running shoes, and I want shoes that are hopefully blue. In all the shops I've searched, I think only one has caught my eye. ;)
That's all the blogging I'm going to do tonight. I do blog a lot, don't I? Hopefully more of my friends will visit this site. At least that way my thoughts will be heard. Avenging Angel spoke on Monday, February 4, 2002 11:21 p.m.
Not feeling very happy today. Actually part of it is because my computer crashed last night and I didn't get to finish what I was doing. This weekend I don't really have a lot of homework so I want to really enjoy myself doing things that I've been putting off. Actually I do have a lot of homework/academic stuff to do but I just don't want to do them. I want to do only homework that is absolutely necessary, if you know what I mean. I am not interested in reading Geography notes or Newsweek for now.
I'm not very happy today also because I was mooning over the guy I like. Anyway, I went to church today and was reminded that believers are not to be unequally yoked with non-believers so I guess I shall stop thinking about him. I have been encouraged not to think about him so much and to just forget him since I expect this love is unrequited anyway and I'm not desperate, but I just feel a lot for him. He is special to me. Nevertheless, I guess he is not the one. Hopefully I can find someone I can really relate to soon, someone who will love me and satisfy some of my deepest longings.
I guess I was angry in church today because I was just a little doubtful of the Bible. It may be big words for a little girl like me to say but I just had an outburst in Sunday School class today. I felt it wasn't fair that some people got to go to heaven and some didn't, and everything was predestined. I also didn't like the way I was subject to another's standards, i.e. I am sinful because my sin is measured to God's unreasonable standard, where only 100% perfect people can go to heaven of their own accord.
I don't mean to blaspheme but things are taking their toll on me. I'm starting to question a lot and think a lot about many things and this, in addition to the stress of schoolwork, sometimes results in me being angry. I still feel slightly guilty about shouting at my family earlier today. I just feel very distanced from them. I don't know what to say to them and when I say something, they either find it irritating (my brother, for instance), or they don't respond at all. I hate it when people keep quiet after I tell them something. What is the point of telling people anything if they don't give their views or ideas?
My relatives are downstairs now, I suppose, talking to my parents. I refused to greet them on my own initiative, only responding and turning to look at them when talked to, and finally after reading just a little bit of the not-so-interesting-now Sunday Plus, I have decided to come upstairs to escape everything and retreat into my own little world again. I seriously need counselling. My Sunday School teacher is going to e-mail me soon anyway to answer some of my doubts and questions about the Christian faith. Life is pretty much me and me alone, I guess. I haven't really found anyone I can relate to, except for my best and good friends. I just feel sad now.
I'm sorry this page doesn't look as good as some others in the pitas network do but then again I lack quite a lot of experience. I hope to make it better though and I have quite a few ideas. I just have to learn some techniques. Hopefully, I'll have a good-looking site up and running soon. Avenging Angel spoke on Sunday, February 3, 2002 03:24 p.m.
First entry. I'm suddenly interested in a lot of things - string, role-playing, graphic creation and website creation. Actually I used to be interested in graphic and website creation but I never really managed to accomplish anything other than a few fragments here and there of acquired knowledge.
Actually, my inspiration to create this page and to be more interested in blogging, something which I totally was clueless of a few days ago, was due to quite an accidental stumbling upon this page, Dancer In The Dark. I still believe that this is someone I know's page but part of the information there is confusing and contradicting (to me). Of course, no one else would really feel that unless they think and suspect things like me.
Talking about thinking, I do think up a lot of weird things and respect people who write things that are totally abstract and cannot be understood on the surface. Ironically, although I take English Literature and enjoy writing abstract stories and poems, as well as read abstract things, I don't usually think that deep. Friends who know me might consider me shallow or rather, simple and innocent. In fact, I chose the username 'innocence' initially for this page, unable to think up a more difficult-sounding and long word like 'claustrophobic', for instance, but of course, it was taken up. I usually don't get a name when I pick it the first round, maybe because of my simplicity, which reiterates my point.
I'm new to this so I would appreciate all the bricks and bats I can get. I love writing so hopefully through role-playing and blogging I can improve my writing skills and maybe train my brain as well to think on a more abstract level. :)
For a moment I thought I was going to lose my very first entry because the computer suddenly hung up. Thankfully it was just my icq that was not responding.
That's all for now. Hopefully I can continue to update this page and make it a well-kept collection of memories. Avenging Angel spoke on Saturday, February 2, 2002 10:44 p.m.
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