Colossians 2
6 As ye have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in him:
7 Rooted and built up in him, and stablished in the faith, as ye have been taught, abounding therein with thanksgiving.
8 Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.

Colossians 3
2 Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.
3 For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God.
5 Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry:
I take inordinate affection to mean excess uncontrolled affection, both desires (lusts) and action (which may be towards someone or something, and unnatural affections.
8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.
9 Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds;
10 And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him:
17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.
18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
c.f. what I said yesterday about not submitting, which is a sin.
23 And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;
24 Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.
Jevon sent this verse via sms during the A levels.

Colossians 4
2 Continue in prayer, and watch in the same with thanksgiving;
5 Walk in wisdom toward them that are without, redeeming the time.
6 Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.
17 And say to Archippus, Take heed to the ministry which thou hast received in the Lord, that thou fulfil it.

1 Thessalonians 2
3 For our exhortation was not of deceit, nor of uncleanness, nor in guile:
4 But as we were allowed of God to be put in trust with the gospel, even so we speak; not as pleasing men, but God, which trieth our hearts.
6 Nor of men sought we glory, neither of you, nor yet of others, when we might have been burdensome, as the apostles of Christ.
12 That ye would walk worthy of God, who hath called you unto his kingdom and glory.

1 Thessalonians 4
7 For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness.
8 He therefore that despiseth, despiseth not man, but God, who hath also given unto us his holy Spirit.
I read this verse in reference to my pride. Pride comes because one thinks one is better than another, hence despising another. But when we despise someone else, we actually despise God because whatever we have that is better than what another person has is not by our own strength, no, it is by God's grace and will. 1 Corinthians 4:7 says 'For who maketh thee to differ from another? and what hast thou that thou didst not receive? now if thou didst receive it, why dost thou glory, as if thou hadst not received it?'
16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.
This is the Christian's hope.

1 Thessalonians 5
8 But let us, who are of the day, be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love; and for an helmet, the hope of salvation.
9 For God hath not appointed us to wrath, but to obtain salvation by our Lord Jesus Christ,
10 Who died for us, that, whether we wake or sleep, we should live together with him.
16 Rejoice evermore.
17 Pray without ceasing.
18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
19 Quench not the Spirit.
20 Despise not prophesyings.
21 Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.
22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.
Note: 'all appearance of evil. We should guard against anything that looks evil.
23 And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
24 Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.

I love the epistles, because they state most directly the guidelines for good Christian living. As letters from the apostle Paul to the churches, they are also very comforting and encouraging and I am especially touched by the whole working of the church together as one body, and the roles of every single member of the church.

A few days ago, I smsed Rachel (Chia) and Daniel (Wong), two of my more spiritually mature church friends, to tell them about the problems I was having. It was an accumulated stress of emotions. I've always feared that I would meet De Wen anywhere in Singapore, for a relationship as intense as ours was, everything can remind me of him because we shared so many things and as Jevon aptly put it, I 'gave too much of my heart to him'. De Wen is currently in the army and I am glad because he's confined and I don't have to worry that I'll bump into him. For all the madness and mental and emotional trauma I felt he, and this relationship inflicted on me, both intentionally and unintentionally, he became hurt personified, and I felt like a victim feels when her assailant is finally convicted and locked away in jail.

But this joy and relief turned somewhat cruel. I wanted him to suffer and die. I wanted him to be pushed so hard I could imagine him gasping and panting for breath and struggling. For all he did to me, I felt he deserved it.

Even though godly threads of thought seamed through my mind, they were weak. I was unable to get out of what I was feeling. Day after day, the same thoughts followed from the previous day's thoughts. When I read a little about Prince Charles yesterday and saw his relationship with Princess Diana, I just couldn't help thinking of De Wen. Prince Charles was portrayed in a very good light, well-brought up, more strictly moral than others. Diana was much younger and had different interests.

I once talked to Jason about my relationship and he said that it would be especially difficult for me. 1) Guys mature slower than girls, so guys are usually a few years younger than girls at this age. (To make this 'age difference' even worse, De Wen is younger than I am, even if by less than a month.) 2) I am way older than most girls my age, which further exacerbates the problem.

Besides the age difference though, there was something about Charles that struck me. According to the book at least, Diana was wholly devoted to Charles. She wanted the relationship to work. Charles was the first to back off and he spent up to 1 month without her. A history graduate like Charles who was the first to make his move in courting Diana, strict with morals, like all guys, egotistical. Silent, sullen, confused, unsure of how to treat girls. Apparently stoic and stable.

Then he just gives up. And no one can make the relationship work, not the Queen, not Diana, because Charles himself doesn't want it to work. He calls a timeout to think, a timeout which lasted up to one month, just retreats into himself.

In the first place, timeouts don't work. My relationship failed because it was put on hold too long, but then again it already fell right from the start, from a very early start like Charles and Diana's relationship did, despite all the coverups by the royals. A time out does not work especially when one takes the luxury of time and has long timeouts irregardless of the feelings of others e.g. Diana, royal family, media.

This sounds so much like my relationship, and even if I'm just drawing conclusions based on personal bias, there has to be something relevant for me to be able to make a conclusion based on it. I blame De Wen, definitely, just as I blame Prince Charles.

But as ironic and contradictory as this sounds, I blame myself too, immature like Diana. Sure I wasn't younger, but I behaved that way. Given my depression, given the ectasy and confusion of love, I fell, and what started out ok at the start crashed because I lost my ability to think rationally. I was too stressed by council and friends and schoolwork, I thought too much about my relationship, questioned too much, and I was in depression and counselling. Too many problems to handle for the two of us, and although he wrote promises and sent sms to reinforce that he loved me and wanted a lifetime with me these promises crashed too and became lies, which further exacerbated the problems. Furthermore, he had problems with school, with friends, with family, missed opportunities and with other things pertaining to his pride and he couldn't handle it and fell into depression too and this time though I tried I couldn't lift him out because he did not share some things and whatever he shared he wasn't ready to listen to my counsel and my optimism. He was closed up, like Prince Charles. That meant that the relationship had to fall naturally because one person had already given up hope and had set his mind to refuse to try, to ignore the problems instead of settling them, and it would only be a matter of time when the other person gave up hope as well.

Maybe he tried to turn me to God because He would be the only source of help and hope now that the two of us were too screwed up. I couldn't. Not when I was watching a brother-in-Christ behave the way he did - he did not have the right to talk to me about God when he wasn't displaying godly behaviour. Block Test 2, then Prelims, then A levels, we went through these trying periods separate from each other, we didn't support each other because we had no time and no heart to. And I resented him because he did all this at the crucial point, when I loved him at my highest peak, and because at my moment of vulnerability he left and added even more greatly to whatever stress I was and would be facing. Nearing the Prelims my studies were affected, I missed school, I didn't do my homework. I wasn't as troubled over the exams as I was over him.

It was during this time when I was pulled out of depression by God, with the help of all my friends. I turned to God.

I was bad yesterday, after all the problems over De Wen and guys and all the thoughts of anger, wrath, bitterness, hatred and murder which I couldn't resist, and relished, thinking of, other stresses, and the fact that I was rushed and I wanted to write all my problems out but could not because of the lack of time and because I don't have my own working computer. I blew up at dinner because nothing soft was prepared and I couldn't eat with my braces just tightened. It was my fault for not asking for soft food earlier but I snapped that they should have known. Then I went up to my room to read.

Daniel's reply came later: 'Pray sincerely and confess...repent right away and determine to live a life of obedience to God alone...1John 1:9, God will forgive and help you as He promised'.

I started crying when I read that or when I started to pray. Maybe because the message was so emotionless, so doctrinal, none of comfort and encouragement. True discipleship is to forsake oneself and live in obedience and submission to God, and during my moment of self-pity and misery this was not one of joy, but one of restriction. It was plain and simple, regardless of my feelings, I had sinned, I had to do what was necessary to get myself back with God and follow God. I tried to pray twice but both attempts were weak and confused. I did not retaliate because I knew what I had to do, and I prayed and replied 'I did. Thanks. Pray pls. I'm v exhausted.'

I trust the advice from my brethren in Christ whom I believe are more spiritually-mature because I believe that their advice comes from God, and I'm thankful that Rachel and Daniel's sms were so God-oriented. I need more of God.

But the crying got worse and I had to lock the door and cry. It was good, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest and that I'd been washed by my tears. It was a relief. In the middle of my tears, Jevon called. I knew it was him instinctively, and when someone knocked on my door I didn't say I was busy or unavailable - I answered the call.

Jevon commented immediately that my voice was strange, and I told him I was crying. I tried to be brave, but I couldn't, I was crying so hard that I couldn't speak and had to swallow the sobs so they wouldn't burst out. We had a long conversation, this time I didn't have to greatly make the effort to think less before speaking so I could hurriedly fill up after he talked so he wouldn't have to speak to blank air. It used to be like that, the last conversation was better because I tried so hard to speak and succeeded but that was followed by a backlash (see previous entry) because I was deliberately suppressing my feelings of distrust and discomfort to throw out a reply, any reply.

It isn't a person's fault that I don't trust or feel comfortable with him/her. I really can't help that, as much as I try to. I really do make the effort to talk and socialise but most of the time I fail - I can't live with silences but most of the time I can't fill them.

I went out with Jevon the day before and we talked quite a bit and I was happy. We sat at Coffee Bean Takashimaya and I tried the Sunrise Iced-Blended which is orange juice and vanilla power blended with ice (recently, I've lost my taste for chocolate and coffee, gasp!). Jevon feels very enthusiastic about our friendship because I've made a striking impression on him and he finds that we can relate remarkably well, many of the problems and experiences we had/have are similar. I am much more cautious because I am withdrawn towards everyone else and am a little apprehensive that he's moving too fast - I don't want our friendship to become so intense that it blows up and crashes (like my relationship did).

I can see the good in a lot of people but many times I choose not to say it. My best friend says that praise rarely comes from me, indeed, I am not a negative person but I do criticise (I have very high standards). What I have not told Jevon is how much I have been touched by him and how much I appreciate him.

Jevon is a sensitive person, talkative but shy, reckless yet cautious, someone who is very honest (and even when he hurts me inevitably because of my pride he gets away with it). I admire his honesty and frankness - he is not afraid to praise and appreciate me as well as criticise me to my face and his opinions are clear. (Conversely I do not have that strength, I am not hypocritical but I neither praise nor criticise openly even when my opinions are called for, I find the need to mellow my feelings so they seem more moderate and less extreme.) I appreciate his calls on my handphone when I'm out and every evening - there is one dominant reason for this, namely that De Wen didn't like to call even though he knew I wanted him to.

Jevon is two years younger, but much more spiritually mature, with a sincere and ardent desire to live for God, which is manifested in his involvement in many ministries and his initiative in calling for more ministries and in the things he does (calls, sms, cards and gifts) to encourage people, even acquaintances, in the faith. His conversation, music and writing are God-centred. His life is focused on God. He is bold when he speaks of God, very much unlike me - I only speak through my blog and my attempts at verbal sharing are weak. He is fervent in his study of God, often reading more than just the Bible. He is not afraid to acknowledge his weaknesses and past and recognise that everything is by God's grace.

Hence, I appreciate this brother-in-Christ for many reasons. 1st for his focus on God and his attempts to encourage and edify. I was brought to Sunset Gospel Hour by him and we'll be doing Christmas gifts together next week (the gift idea is fantastic and I know it will be an encouragement, reminder and help to all Christians and non-Christians), he's been encouraging Quiet Time for years and is an earnest supporter of prayer, he invited me to fellowship and choir (even if I don't join at least it focuses me on service). 2nd for his support and sensitivity, for the innocent questions he asks and the mature things he says, and 3rd for the common experiences and the openness that has resulted from it, the natural closeness and sharing on the part of both parties.

I am still far from fully trusting him due to my nature and what my past experiences have made me - closed up, but I am thankful for this friendship and commit this to God. Jevon said something that touched me a lot last night (which wasn't the only thing that touched me last night and in our friendship), and it was in answer to something I thought of yesterday morning (even though I did not initiate that subject in our conversation i.e. it came out naturally).