I wonder if even if my blogs are detailed, people will ever get to know and understand me, or perhaps I make myself out to be more complex than I really am. I'm surprised sometimes when Dewey actually understands and knows what to do. Maybe it's because I don't bother to hide behind a facade when I'm with him. Either way, I'm still the sweet and innocent happy little girl people think I am, just with a few dark twists to my character, but ain't everyone like that? Maybe I'm normal.

Enough of the rambling.

23rd November - Saturday

I tried to sleep as much as I could during breaks in Hong Kong so that I would have enough energy to stay up late to chat with DW and do whatever it was I intended to do e.g. catch up with everyone else. I managed to talk to DW a while and do a little bit of reading (blogs that is). The morning, I went out with DW before we went our separate ways, he to Kembangan (for Bible Study) and me to Newton (for LTF).

I haven't been to LTF for quite a while, and they were quite surprised to see me but they were really nice about it. LTF has moved from the Junior Worship place to the Greek and Hebrew Room. I remember walking along the first floor, seeing the guys look over on the second floor and smiling at them. I felt a little awkward but the hellos and smiles were nice (especially from Daniel and Rachel, who are in the LTF committee. Daniel was particularly surprised to see me, asking me what was so special about the day), the welcome song (during which everyone would stand and exchange handshakes and smiles) was pleasant, and the rest of the songs got me smiling. I realised that because of my lack of involvement there were many songs I didn't know how to sing, but I picked them up over the course of the programme. After the singspiration when we were to disperse into our separate groups, Jevon came up to talk to me and I apologised for my rude behaviour a few months ago when he was asking about my spiritual life. Apparently he's forgotten about that incident.

Bible Study was good. I was pleased that I'd just started on Quiet Time, although a little ashamed that I hadn't been doing Quiet Time for months and years already. My group members were really nice and friendly, and we had a nice time being updated on each other's lives and going though the lesson. They were discussing some bible facts though which were out of the lesson and like on the 17th I realised just how much I didn't know about the Bible, and was ashamed. After the lesson I helped Rachel count the offering before we hung around in the church compound for about one and a half hours as was the usual LTF practice before going out for dinner together. I went off to the bookroom for a while but it was so cold I came out later. Some of the girls were playing volleyball and the guys were playing soccer I think, while others were just talking. I was happy sitting by myself, although I wanted to read a book without appearing too antisocial (actually I just wanted to be available in case people wanted to talk to me, but I didn't want to initiate any conversation). Later, Rachel came up and brought me around to make friends with the rest of the LTF-ers. I also got a chance to talk to Daniel and Jevon. I was feeling quite out of place and wanted to sms De Wen but later I realised that this is just part and parcel of joining a group, especially one that is so close-knit. I wanted to be part of a group like this, especially looking at Rachel having so much fun with her friends, but I knew that I'd be feeling out of place at least for a few more weeks before I'd finally fit in. I was amazed at how much some of the LTFers remembered about me though.

Jevon did join us for dinner but went off by himself quite a few times. I was talking to Timothy for a while but I ended up making no sense to myself (e.g. 'De Wen is cool. He plays basketball.' Note: Tim happens to be De Wen's Chinese classmate so he knows DW and actually it was him who initiated the topic.) I was pricked by something Tim said ('He's not that good what.') but later we talked more and he also gave the lot of us some puzzles to solve. I was so pleased at being the first one to solve one of them after a while, but we didn't manage to solve the second one. Andrew Kan made an effort to talk to me, but I think I didn't reply properly, or perhaps that is only due to my paranoia. My teeth were hurting so I couldn't eat my dinner fast enough, but some of them waited for me (while the others who were going to play tennis went off). I had a good time laughing to Rachel and her sister Joei though I still didn't feel very comfortable. In fact, some of my closer friends in church were wondering why I was so quiet given my normally active and enthusiastic persona in Sunday School. The fact was, I really didn't fit in, I was trembling with nervousness during LTF and biting my lip, and didn't know what to say. Most of the time I just sat and listened, or talked to the people I'm closer with.

After dinner, I went home by train with Angeline, and we talked for a while before she gave me a hug when she got off. That made me feel very good, and I was very happy with the whole day's proceedings. Given my high mood I was also able to sms De Wen a nice message.

24th November - Sunday

Sunday School was great. I was pleased with myself for having collaborated with Lin Min over sms the day before. It was really quite easy, all we needed to do was to come up with 3-4 questions pertaining to the whole year's Open Sunday lessons for discussion. I was proud of myself for coming up with the questions, and for knowing exactly what it was I had to do. I was on a high, like I used to be every Sunday last year, and I was smiling as breezily as I did when I ran for council. Everything went well. The singspiration and the games, and I managed to joke with the teachers and the guys even! I was speaking confidently, but I just hope that I managed to speak clearly as it appears to me that whenever I give announcements, I summarise and say everything I want to say in the least time possible, so much so I stand for a very short time, and I also tend to rush through whatever I'm saying in order to get all the information out in the shortest time. I was glad that there was a change in plans so I didn't have to settle the numbering off of groups and announce which teachers were to be attached to which group (as it meant that I would have to call my mom by her name, since she's one of the teachers there) and all I needed to do now was to ask them to disperse into their own classes. I felt better too, because I was closer to my own class and would be more comfortable sharing with them. The classroom was locked, but I managed to squeeze in with my classmates watching in amusement. The discussion was great, with me sitting on the blue cushion as usual and us talking about the past year. There was much sharing, and I was also secretly happy that we were working on my discussion questions. Yes, very trivial again, but at least it gave me a sense of accomplishment.

25th November - Monday

I can't remember what I did. I think I was chatting with DW and Raining online, refusing to update or be updated because I felt too overworked and drained by the immense amount of work.

26th/27th November - Tuesday/Wednesday

The Leadership Training Camp was a very successful event. Although it was from 8.30/9 in the morning to around 5/6 in the evening during the two days, and although I yawned once or twice, I wasn't bored or aching to get home. It was better than the school's Entrepreneurial Talk because it was chock full of interactive games, and the speaker had a fetish for toys which were used as tools to demonstrate various leadership principles. I enjoyed the lessons and the exercises, but most of all I enjoyed the games. I was never much of a leader, not within a leadership organisation anyway, but I can do background work, give ideas and support the whole thing, or sometimes I can provide friendly reminders of deadlines and time frames. I laughed heartily quite a few times during the games, especially during the last big 1h 10 min project where we were supposed to come up with a poster, announcement and skit for a programme and decided to sabotage Junhao. Our offering was successful, bagging a lot of audience attention and inducing mass hysteria.

The food was good too, and the fellowship was pleasant. I made a few new friends among the non-councillors that participated and talked to the councillors as well. I was pleased with the way I decorated my assignment. Besides that, I did and discovered a few things about myself.

(a) I lead by two-way communication.

(b) Out of a list of 40 things the 5 most important things to me as being a leader (in my relationships with other leaders and students) are in this order, most important being the first one:
1. You must be an example even when it hurts. (Leaders to Students)
2. Practise the proper concept of leadership. It is not a victory or a power trip but rather a chance to serve those who put you in office. (Leaders to Students)
3. Do what you say you'll do. (Leaders to Leaders)
4. Be supportive of other members' responsibilities. (Leaders to Leaders)
5. Always be positive and supportive when you talk to other students about the plans and the hard work of the fellow leaders. (Leaders to Students)