Autumn Song
On a beautiful Saturday, I
How perfectly structured, they stand
This is clean, high class urbanisation;
I am not constricted by urbanisation.
I am an urban schoolgirl:
Who will believe me if I tell
I am urbanised.
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Comment
He caught her
She tells herself
Does she forget
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Currently reading my city, my canvas, a collection of poems by local poet Heng Siok Tian, whom I greatly admire both as a person and as a poet. This latest interest in local poetry could perhaps explain the style of the latest two poems I've written, namely
Pimples and Urbanised. Suddenly my previous rhyme and rhythm preferences seem rigid. The new style is refreshing and I am very pleased with my latest two works as well as with my personal calling to be a poet.
I'm recovering from depression thanks to my God and my friends.
Some updates on what has happened so far:
On Monday, I went out to the Esplanade, Marina Square and City Link with Colin kor, who gave me a coffee book (?) and a specially-burned cd.
On Tuesday, I had tea at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf with Xin Yi. At night, I went to the church prayer meeting with my father on the spur of the moment.
On Thursday, I had tea with Xin Yi at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf again. Before Xin Yi came, I was entertained by a young Caucasian (?) girl's storytelling. When I reached home I did some GP. In the evening, I got some medicine for my ulcers and wax for the brace brackets with the help of a very nice young dentist who gave me a 25% discount because I didn't bring enough money (I paid $45 instead of the standard $60 fee). While waiting my turn at the dental clinic I walked around Clementi emporium and read some Mr. Men books at the Big Bookshop. In the evening, I planned my revision timetable and looked for information on the University of Bristol. I don't mind studying in any university, but I really want to go to the UK and to Bristol specifically because it is ranked top in Geography and I believe quite strongly in rankings. On Thursday, I declared myself officially out of depression. I started doing my Quiet Time again, and read Proverbs 1. The maid was sacked deservingly today, and I feel more secure and comfortable in my house.
On Friday, I did some Economic Geography then went out with Xin Yi. We visited Mdm. Tee in Nanyang for Teachers' Day, enjoyed a comfortable taxi ride to Orchard, ate a Sakae sushi buffet lunch and walked around Borders and Orchard library, where I borrowed my city, my canvas by Heng Siok Tian, Baby Blues 13 Scrapbook: I shouldn't have to scream more than once!!! by Rick Kirkman and Jerry Scott and Spider-man (the official novelization of the film) by Peter David. We also sampled some ice-blendeds at the Coffee Club Express at Wisma Atria, which are really price-competitive and good. In the evening, I alternated between my city, my canvas and I shouldn't have to scream more than once!!!. I proclaimed myself a fan of Heng Siok Tian's writing. After bath time, I succumbed to inspiration and spent hours writing Pimples, a poem which I am proud of and enjoy reading repeatedly.
Today, I continued alternating between my city, my canvas and I shouldn't have to scream more than once!!! then made my way to the Esplanade where I enjoyed a cream of chicken pasta and bitter black coffee for lunch, and read Proverbs 2 (because I didn't do my Quiet Time last night) and my city, my canvas at a four-seater at the Arts Digest. I continued studying Economic Geography. Distracted, I walked around the library and was impressed with its books especially its film novelizations which I hope to get my hands on in the distant future. I also made use of the library's multimedia facilities (mainly to access my blog and reread Pimples). I went out of the Esplanade and admired the scenery before going back in. Although I tried to study I just didn't want to so I wrote Urbanised. After just a little bit more work, I packed up and left the library, bought chocolate-dipped strawberries and strolled quite far from the Esplanade along the sea, admiring the scenery, the metal sculpture and the couples, smiling twice at the two people who called me to go for the river tour. Then I took the Esplanade lift for the first time, was smiled at by some friendly Cantonese-speaking people -probably Hong Kong tourists- and strolled back to the MRT station (on the way visiting some City Link shops like Happy House, Ig's and HMV [listened to Hao3 Xin1 Fen1 Shou3!], and meeting Janice along the way). Today's cd was the cd kor burnt for me. I love tracks 10 ("Where is the love", the first rap song I actually like), 11 ("Yu Jian" by Stefanie Sun) and 16. Apparently there were 7 chocolate-dipped strawberries in my bag instead of 6; I had 2 by the bay, 1 when I reached home, gave 1 each to my dad, mom and brother and am left with 1 more. My parents gave quite positive comments on Urbanised and I talked to them about my poetry styles and preferences. I shared tracks 10, 11 and 16 of the cd kor burnt for me with my brother and saw my dad off (he's going to Malaysia).
I have been happy with solitude and with friends, and have been leading a pretty balanced life. I'm not as distracted in my studies, I have done some work and I have plans though I am not rigidly following them. Quiet Time will continue every night. Tonight my mom will buy me a Long John Silver's meal. Tomorrow I will go to church. I have some lessons on Tuesday and Wednesday. On Wednesday night I will meet Chooi Mei to catch the latest long-awaited Orlando Bloom movie, Pirates of the Caribbean (really thanks to Mei, who won free movie tickets again -grin-). Thursday is my GP promotional exam. Next week looks like a good week.
God bless you.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:02 p.m.
Pimples
Three unwanted blemishes,
White is not pure,
I could use the quick slice
It is a small operation really,
I just did it yesterday
I want you
So the tips of my fingers press
Just a few pushes and she'll be out
I see you screaming,
Of course she runs,
and trip me.
You do so because you
You trip me.
I must wipe her out thoroughly,
I wipe
I can't differentiate
There, she is gone
In place of the blood I squeezed
I gel up your holes no more.
It is inevitable,
The UK air is not for you.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:46 p.m.
JT isn't here today so yep. So much for being worried about Econs the whole day. But that's not the point. The point is I went even further down today, if there's an even further down to go.
Was tearing on the way to school. Yep v tired 'cos not eating ('cos the braces cut into my teeth and not eating not only destroys me physically it also destroys me psychologically 'cos I know that I'm not eating). Exchanged a few sms with DW. He sounds sagely perhaps which only (?) makes things worse 'cos I don't know...I'm not thinking straight. Not sure about anything.
Good to leave 'cos I'm starting to feel the world hates me and I'm starting to hate the world for reasons that aren't justified. Getting sensitive at the slightest things and people seem hostile now? When they do that is. The others are still trying to be nice but I'm afraid of telling them the truth 'cos it could mean discrimination. How often can I hide the truth though? It's getting very obvious.
Even Serene today said I looked v tired and stressed and I had to just say out loud that the truth was that I'm mentally unsound. That's the trouble with being too open. You get something out but you worry about the consequences? I don't know even if I worry. I don't think I feel anymore. I'm not even in control of my own feelings. The anger and sadness, they just come and go for no reason and they leave me feeling drained.
But I realised in my 'calm' point just now in the midst of all the chaos (thank God for at least a while of calmness) that things are getting really bad. And Cheryl and Serene thought I'd been crying. I don't know. My nose is bad; I don't know if I'm getting sick. It's like I perpetually am gasping for breath, running on little air...don't know why I'm so excited too. Sometimes I'm just sian and I completely go limp, actually slept in the canteen today instead of studying in the morning like I was supposed to, been sleeping more...
And the problem is that I really can't think logically. That things are really out of control. I'm saying the strangest stuff against God and everyone else and well maybe against DW, or maybe even by itself, I'm sounding awfully immature. I really don't know but I read the Bible yesterday I think I should more and I should pray more too please please please pray for me 'cos if this goes on I won't survive and I know that if I crash again (now I'm just numb but I can crash anytime) I'm going to jump off a building. I don't want to tell anyone anything though the problems are crashing and bursting and least of all not DW anyway I know this relationship is over. It's over. He said something that could be a slip but made me think that he didn't love me or he doesn't care, I don't know but I think given my current state too I'm not ready for a relationship I'm not even ready for life and I'm getting awfully distracted in my studies really can't study and losing the will to live I never imagined I could fall that far but well apparently I have and I'm crashing badly please pray please pray for me I think it was good to rant for a while goodbye I will go back to class now.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:01 a.m.
So, I'm taking a hiatus. To let everything cool off. To concentrate on my Prelims.
I really want to say a very deep and heartfelt THANK YOU to the friends who have stayed with me through the last 5 weeks, for being patient with me and for keeping me afloat, and to each individual who said a kind word or did something nice. Thank you so much.
Tomorrow I will go out with Colin kor after school. I hope to go to the Esplanade again to walk along the bay. We'll also shop for a nice something for Prisca which I'm going to air-mail over to Hong Kong very soon I hope.
Goodbye and see you all in the near future. God bless.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:53 p.m.
I find squeezing pimples quite therapeutic. It's painful but beneficial and I do it daringly. Just squeeze hard until the pus shoots out suddenly, then clean the pus off (or later) and continue squeezing until there is no more pus and the red blood wells up. Quite fun really.
Tired. Think I'll wake up at 6a.m. to settle tomorrow's preparations and read the Bible, prepare my heart a bit. Been quite wayward. Come to think of it I'm not prepared for tomorrow's discussion with De Wen. Lost all interest in everything, in life, in relationships...and most recently in my obsession with fertility. I've always been obsessed with this idea (and related ones) since primary school and recently kinda bearing that in mind when I hurt my genitals - don't want to go infertile but now it's like who cares.
Need sleep. Past 2a.m. already. Getting less than 4 hours sleep tonight. Oh no I just realise I have Econs homework too. Guess that means less Maths 'cos I want to get some of my real homework done by tomorrow instead of owing them. Good night and God bless.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:05 a.m.
I find squeezing pimples quite therapeutic. It's painful but beneficial and I do it daringly. Just squeeze hard until the pus shoots out suddenly, then clean the pus off (or later) and continue squeezing until there is no more pus and the red blood wells up. Quite fun really.
Tired. Think I'll wake up at 6a.m. to settle tomorrow's preparations and read the Bible, prepare my heart a bit. Been quite wayward. Come to think of it I'm not prepared for tomorrow's discussion with De Wen. Lost all interest in everything, in life, in relationships...and most recently in my obsession with fertility. I've always been obsessed with this idea (and related ones) since primary school and recently kinda bearing that in mind when I hurt my genitals - don't want to go infertile but now it's like who cares.
Need sleep. Past 2a.m. already. Getting less than 4 hours sleep tonight. Oh no I just realise I have Econs homework too. Guess that means less Maths 'cos I want to get some of my real homework done by tomorrow instead of owing them. Good night and God bless.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:05 a.m.
Prisca initiated chat too. Had a great talk with her though I was tired and still in this depressive state.
Went to IMM today then the Esplanade. Mulled around here and there. Had quite an unproductive day though I finished about 14 questions of Maths (close to three J1 mock tests). Was basically copying answers from the answer sheet and figuring them out 'cos my J1 work is v bad. Had a really good time with Jevon. Found out later Sean was at the waterfront just after I left. Wish I could have spent some time with him. Wish I could have spent time with family too (parents were at Plaza Singapura and then Raffles City, brother at home).
Doing chairing and song-leading tomorrow for Open Sunday. Liz is on guitar. A little mad at the class on the whole 'cos they either can't make it or have valid reasons or don't want to do it or totally don't reply my sms. I try to understand their reasons and even think maybe they changed their hp. no. and can't be contacted, and I know I'm being irrational. I think they would help out if I asked them again and told them there weren't enough people, but I just can't be bothered. I'll just do it. Can't even be bothered to remind Liz to turn up tomorrow; if she doesn't one of the guys from the other class will do guitar. The other classes are nice, they will help with the chairs, everything. I should sms the class to ask them to come early to arrange chairs but I just can't be bothered. People will help out. Grateful for the song suggestions - Rachel Yeo says to make the songs more lively. Will consider that when I choose the songs later and do up the programme. It'll be a short task really, less than 20min on my part before the message and closing 5-10 min or so, just facilitating the whole thing, getting things done and getting people to pray. Even thought of things like where to get the chairs, song books, offering bag, reminded teacher of the card. I'm not crossing into inappropriacy but I am taking this responsibility very seriously. Unfortunately I'm just a little stoned and not in the mood. I'm not against my friends seriously. I guess this period has just been rough for me and I just cracked up is all.
Tomorrow is my last violin lesson. I'm dropping violin.
Going to continue Maths tomorrow I guess. Then spend the night doing Geog and Lit homework. A lot of work to do. Don't even know if I will do.
Now that I think of it how am I going to fit De Wen in tomorrow? Thing is today I bombarded him with sms in the morning, then later in the evening again and I kinda forced him to trash things out. He couldn't make it tonight so we're going to do it tomorrow, time to be confirmed by him tomorrow. I don't know how to feel really.
Been reading blogs, going down the list. Seems like many people are making their blogs quite private; I guess I appreciate the chance to be a part of that exclusive group of viewers of private blogs. Blogs really help, I feel. They help me know more about the blogger and think more about the blogger, and I guess as a general rule I feel closer to people I read my blog (Xin Yi and Jevon are exceptions, I like sharing with both of them). Came across this blog which hurt me a bit. I don't like entries that are directed towards an unstated 'you' 'cos it makes me think that person is directing whatever he/she is directing at me. The language was really strong, and it could apply to me, but when I read it I just felt that that person didn't understand me. What else to say?
Really hungry. Ate porridge and bird nest just now. Ulcers on both inside cheeks where the metal has been repeatedly rubbing. It hurts naturally and it hurts even more when I move my mouth say to eat. Didn't feel like eating but finished my dinner just now. Pulled a record just now - didn't finish my Expresso Frapp at Starbucks and ate less than half of my Chocolate Macchiato.
Feeling tired. Going to sleep now. Wake up early to do preparation for tomorrow's Open Sunday. Ironically I'm mentally prepared - have been that way, just tired and resigned, but guess I should pray about the song choices and all then do it. Tomorrow as usual. Just want to sleep now. Glad for good sleep 'cos I've been tired and sleeping late. Should pull myself together. Been crying too much.
Oh yes, -waves- to Xiaoyuan. Yep of course I remember you. You take care. Yep and I talked to Yang too tonight for the first time. Nothing much to say but it was cool talking to her too. Hungry...should go to sleep now. Good night and God bless. Please pray for me and De Wen. I don't know if I care anymore. I don't know if I care about anything anymore actually. I think I'm just dead to everything.
Found out the rose and petals were taken out of my toilet don't know when. Thrown away.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 01:12 a.m.
Prisca initiated chat too. Had a great talk with her though I was tired and still in this depressive state.
Went to IMM today then the Esplanade. Mulled around here and there. Had quite an unproductive day though I finished about 14 questions of Maths (close to three J1 mock tests). Was basically copying answers from the answer sheet and figuring them out 'cos my J1 work is v bad. Had a really good time with Jevon. Found out later Sean was at the waterfront just after I left. Wish I could have spent some time with him. Wish I could have spent time with family too (parents were at Plaza Singapura and then Raffles City, brother at home).
Doing chairing and song-leading tomorrow for Open Sunday. Liz is on guitar. A little mad at the class on the whole 'cos they either can't make it or have valid reasons or don't want to do it or totally don't reply my sms. I try to understand their reasons and even think maybe they changed their hp. no. and can't be contacted, and I know I'm being irrational. I think they would help out if I asked them again and told them there weren't enough people, but I just can't be bothered. I'll just do it. Can't even be bothered to remind Liz to turn up tomorrow; if she doesn't one of the guys from the other class will do guitar. The other classes are nice, they will help with the chairs, everything. I should sms the class to ask them to come early to arrange chairs but I just can't be bothered. People will help out. Grateful for the song suggestions - Rachel Yeo says to make the songs more lively. Will consider that when I choose the songs later and do up the programme. It'll be a short task really, less than 20min on my part before the message and closing 5-10 min or so, just facilitating the whole thing, getting things done and getting people to pray. Even thought of things like where to get the chairs, song books, offering bag, reminded teacher of the card. I'm not crossing into inappropriacy but I am taking this responsibility very seriously. Unfortunately I'm just a little stoned and not in the mood. I'm not against my friends seriously. I guess this period has just been rough for me and I just cracked up is all.
Tomorrow is my last violin lesson. I'm dropping violin.
Going to continue Maths tomorrow I guess. Then spend the night doing Geog and Lit homework. A lot of work to do. Don't even know if I will do.
Now that I think of it how am I going to fit De Wen in tomorrow? Thing is today I bombarded him with sms in the morning, then later in the evening again and I kinda forced him to trash things out. He couldn't make it tonight so we're going to do it tomorrow, time to be confirmed by him tomorrow. I don't know how to feel really.
Been reading blogs, going down the list. Seems like many people are making their blogs quite private; I guess I appreciate the chance to be a part of that exclusive group of viewers of private blogs. Blogs really help, I feel. They help me know more about the blogger and think more about the blogger, and I guess as a general rule I feel closer to people I read my blog (Xin Yi and Jevon are exceptions, I like sharing with both of them). Came across this blog which hurt me a bit. I don't like entries that are directed towards an unstated 'you' 'cos it makes me think that person is directing whatever he/she is directing at me. The language was really strong, and it could apply to me, but when I read it I just felt that that person didn't understand me. What else to say?
Really hungry. Ate porridge and bird nest just now. Ulcers on both inside cheeks where the metal has been repeatedly rubbing. It hurts naturally and it hurts even more when I move my mouth say to eat. Didn't feel like eating but finished my dinner just now. Pulled a record just now - didn't finish my Expresso Frapp at Starbucks and ate less than half of my Chocolate Macchiato.
Feeling tired. Going to sleep now. Wake up early to do preparation for tomorrow's Open Sunday. Ironically I'm mentally prepared - have been that way, just tired and resigned, but guess I should pray about the song choices and all then do it. Tomorrow as usual. Just want to sleep now. Glad for good sleep 'cos I've been tired and sleeping late. Should pull myself together. Been crying too much.
Oh yes, -waves- to Xiaoyuan. Yep of course I remember you. You take care. Yep and I talked to Yang too tonight for the first time. Nothing much to say but it was cool talking to her too. Hungry...should go to sleep now. Good night and God bless. Please pray for me and De Wen. I don't know if I care anymore. I don't know if I care about anything anymore actually. I think I'm just dead to everything.
Found out the rose and petals were taken out of my toilet don't know when. Thrown away.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 01:12 a.m.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:33 a.m.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:33 a.m.
I have the impression that I have been dreaming of him for the last three nights. I wonder what triggered yesterday's depression...it was just a downward slip then a plunge too far. Scary.
'The Prophet' is playing now. Thank God today I woke up wanted to listen to Faye Wong's 'Dan Yuan Ren Chang Jiu' (track 3) but the cd in my discman was Michael Card's 'Ancient Faith' cd 2 instead and when I hit track 3 it played 'The Lord is My Shepherd' instead which was comforting. This cd is really good, I think. It's the kind of cd that one can listen to from beginning to end instead of jumping tracks. Think it'll spend a while in my discman. Thank God.
Yesterday's dream was so clear. I can remember fragments of it.
THE DREAM - NOTE ALL EVENTS ARE PURELY FICTIONAL, NOTHING HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE, I AM AMAZED I COULD EVEN DREAM UP SUCH A STORYLINE
I saw him online and I said something challenging like 'What's up?' (see tone please) and he typed out the address to his blog. His blog, Viscosity (I know, if you read it you'll think what a nice guy he is compared to me, people have told me before though they didn't say 'compared to me' of course), with that all familiar pilgrim layout. It was a long entry with headings. I only remember him saying in his blog that he went to the airport to see his cousin off...called himself a chimpanzee (in a joking way) and spoke quite lightly like he was having a really good time (like he was going out with friends). He wrote about this Science thing to do. Apparently he seemed to have done a lot that day from what he wrote in his blog...there was this major Science thing then the airport at night. There was also this part where he wrote 'I've thought it through and I've decided that a break up is better for the two of us'.
Suddenly I was having Lit with Ms. Lim AH in this bookstore with a big space with chairs and a screen. It was a really pretty bookstore; it looked more like a big conference room where I was in camp though...and the bookshelves were made of nice smooth wood. I remember I was looking at the books there but couldn't remember what books exactly. Anyway I think he was supposed to have his Science thing at the same conference place. He was doing a project on stars I think, then I don't know why I suddenly felt like doing a project on stars, on the horoscopes, the origin of horoscopes and search the different properties of stars and relate them to different months of the year. Even the websites showed up in front of me.
I don't know how I met him. I think it was unfriendly, a cold meeting. But I was sitting on the stone steps in school outside the photocopying room and he was at the pillar in the inner plaza nearest the bookshop. Then I told him to come over, kind of forcefully. He did. Not sure what happened here but I'd been sending messages over sms without response and my phone kept dying (ok some semblance this one really happened yesterday which was good for him because I was in deep depression yesterday and I sent a very cruel message but my phone died so it didn't get through to him and the message got deleted). So he came over and we were supposed to talk before his Science thing.
We walked out of school towards Serene's Centre MacDonalds. And I started crying and raising my voice, and I said he should at least reply messages and that the worst thing you can do is to ignore me totally. Then he took my hand a little hesitantly, partially, not fully. Just held on to a little bit of it. And I said, "Why are you holding my hand if we're breaking up?" or something like that but he held on anyway. And I was crying. Then we passed the conference centre and Ms. Lim AH came out and saw me crying and was a little concerned but I said I was ok anyway (we were in our home clothes btw, we weren't pda-ing) and we continued walking on, then we reached the second floor of the MacDonalds by the back door (the real Serene's Centre MacDonalds has only one floor btw) and we sat at this four-seater. Two people were already sitting there but we sat there anyway on the cushioned chairs (as opposed to the individual ones). I wanted to sit beside him so I could be nearer to him but he told me to sit opposite him. Then he went to buy some food for us.
Somehow things just worked out. A good talk, then we went back to the conference centre place and he sat there on one of the chairs (third row extreme left) and did his Science homework and I was looking at books; there was one shelf that kept interesting me, but I can't remember what it was but what I remember though was that I woke up and I remembered the dream and I asked myself how I got so depressed yesterday and how come I could dream up such a realistic dream into my subconsciousness and my back tooth was hurting and I smsed him to tell him that I'd dreamed a dream that was real...so real but I didn't say anything else and as usual he hasn't responded, I really shouldn't expect him too anyway.
Just needed to write. Thinking of new layout. I want a very very sad one...full of grey dripping in viscous globs around and a dead rose and dead petals; they are still in my toilet.
But it helps listening to Michael Card. Woke up to a few sms. Kinda grateful for Aishu...she wrote a really sweet sms. Don't know why she's so nice, she's been so so nice, one of the friends with whom friendship blossomed extremely much after council. Really want to do other work (the stuff I owe) but Maths more important.
I guess one thing that will not be understood is that no matter how busy he is he could still spend one day/one short afternoon/one break/one morning with me in FIVE WEEKS. This is really not the way to treat your girlfriend. I can't wait for after As when he will snap out of his selfishness and finally start acting proper, a few months in a shared lifetime is little sacrifice. I just feel very played is all, and that he's a jerk. I don't know what to think really; why are there only two options? You know I actually see a future with him, yes long-term...I don't know maybe I'm just idealising everything. But somehow judgement is wrong and I hate everyone who tells me that sometimes I need to let go because all of you don't realise how much we shared...we shared A LOT and no one will ever know no one will ever know and no one will ever understand and suddenly the sharp realisation hits me that I try so much to make people understand by talking on and on but no no one will ever understand...
Wanted to call Nat out today to study together but decided not to. Don't know why, maybe I just wanted to be alone again. Just go to the Esplanade and immerse myself in Maths Maths Maths Maths Maths and get my A. I really want an A because I know I can get an A it's not impossible and on a more minor (really v v v v minor) note there's this niggling feeling that I'm going to get an A for Maths WITHOUT him. I'm not going to fail Maths for life. So there.
I know I'm living in a world on my own. I know. I know. I know. Ok? I know I'm typing a lot of strong feelings out and weird feelings...just need to get everything out and I don't know guess after going so low I'll come back up again and be more ready to tackle life. Thank you God for weekends really, I need the time alone.
Friend told me I relied too much on him in this relationship. I know. I knew. This was fatal. Shouldn't have been so dependent.
"That you are Lord, make all things new
/And the blessings of the land we love are really gifts from you" ~"Heal Our Land" | Michael Card
Last track on the cd now - "Heal Our Land"...listened to 16 out of 18 tracks of this cd (started from track 3 remember). Helps a lot. Only that 'cos of my recent music spree I'm using up a lot of cheap batteries.
"If my people will humbly pray
Thank you so much to all the anonymous people who've given me much Christian encouragement, to Sean also for talking about God last night even though I was getting irritated...thank you thank you thank you. (Still amazed at Sean for being so calm.)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:30 a.m.
My MSN nick is "I hate you". This is in reference to all guys. I hate you with all my heart and soul I hate all of you guys you idiots idiots idiots stupid stupid stupid idiots. I hate you so much stupid guys stupid stupid stupid.
How ironic. Tonight 1 guy asked me out to lunch and study tomorrow, 1 guy smsed me when he saw my last post (I think, from his words, I haven't checked my phone yet) and when I came online I talked to that guy on ICQ then 2 guys messaged me on MSN.
Daniel: "why that word hate?"
Note: irrational. No reason. The truth is I'm pissed with a lot of guys, not all, ok?
I posted the last entry 'cos I was just plain SICK of having my ideas dissed.
Don't know feeling immensely depressed and pissed. And sian. Don't know don't know I don't know I just want to go curl up in a hole and cry and cry and cry and just kill myself.
Hurt my genitals the day before. But yesterday I didn't. Been hurting my thumbs though, hurting them worse than I've hurt them in months. Right thumb hurt under water yesterday. Then today I pulled the skin off a part of my left thumb and drew blood, then I squeezed the blood out so it would well up and flow along the side of the nail etc. etc.
Been stoning in front of the compy. Slept at 10 last night woke up at 7 this morning but was so immensely tired today in school and just so sian so SICK of everything. I just wanted to slap someone. Could feel my hand on his face. Give a GOOD HARD SLAP. Doesn't even have to be him. Can just find an idiot guy and abuse him. Need to take out my anger on something someone.
Which I have been doing unfortunately. Been very pissed at home. As in not throwing temper or sth still trying to be cordial but I look obviously tired and sian...
Today I went to the dentist. Apparently my top right back tooth is THIRTY degrees off. So my dentist has been concentrating on correcting my back tooth and now he's quickening the correction by making me not bite on my back tooth. So he forced a few metal rings into my second last top teeth and it was so painful I teared right then and there...wanted the agony to be over...it was really painful but I tried to laugh it off. The dentist tried to be nice and I tried to be brave but his knuckles were pushing on my gum and he was forcing the sides of the rings through the little gaps in my teeth and pressing HARD on my teeth. It was horrid...and my mouth was open and the saliva suction tube was making my mouth very dry. I wiped my eyes and tried to laugh at the end of the whole thing but at the end of it I still felt like crying and I tried to control everything but the tears just came and outside I started crying...just broke down and cried but I still tried to be brave 'cos my name was called so I went up to the counter and tried to ignore the tears and just settle what I needed to settle but how could I stop the tears when I was crying so badly? Just hated myself right then 'cos I couldn't control myself and the nurse was worried, asked me if I was ok, asked me if I wanted plain water, offered me tissue, even offered to ask the doctor to come and comfort me. But I kept nodding that I was ok, choking through my tears to speak 'hurting' was all...and she pitied me enough to settle my appointment for me so I wouldn't have to go to another counter to do it, then before I left she told me to take care. Went to the toilet, washed face then went downstairs to make more payment.
Now the braces are cutting into my cheeks and the back tooth is going to hurt. Today I accidentally bit it slightly and ouch...it brought tears, reminded me of the first time I wore braces. Teeth hurt periodically now...it doesn't matter, I like the pain. It dulls the emotional pain, I guess?
Changed my MSN nick to "Crying...I want to kill myself" 'cos I really was crying just. Then quite a few people messaged me, and Vic and Sean on ICQ too. Kinda shocked and appreciated it. Another reason why I was upset was 'cos not enough people were initiating chats with me and I was just pissed given my already pissed mood. Fine, so I'm trivial.
Poor guys whom I talked to tonight. I think I was too pissed to talk properly.
Forget it. Forget it. Just v tired and pissed and what not. The night before was kind of weird. First I hurt my genitals. Then I lay in bed and drifted in and out of sleep. Just lay there for about 6 hours. Thank God I could still do my Stats test (Maths lecture test). Last night I slept for 9 hours. Didn't injure. But was very tired today.
Ah. Will do Maths tomorrow. Again. The whole weekend actually. 'cos Maths mock Prelims is Monday and I'm going to get an A.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:32 p.m.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:45 p.m.
Pre-Sunday School -come early to arrange chairs
Welcome
Need:
Veronica just called and asked me to help coordinate. I like coordinating. Smsed Liz (guitarist), Jac and Rachel Yeo (chairperson/song leader). I've not been to an Open Sunday for a very long time 'cos I usually skip Open Sundays (message style, where the whole department is involved) and only go for the regular Sunday School classes. The job isn't tough really; I don't even have to choose the songs 'cos the song leader will do it. I don't mind being a chairperson/song leader actually but I thought I should ask people first (two at a time so I don't get overwhelming response) and chip in if there's a shortage.
(When I was in the Teens Department (now I'm in Senior Department), the Sec. 3s had to organise a workshop every year. I remember that day, helping out in the question and answer session and filtering questions to the panel of speakers. The thing was, one of the speakers was my mom, and I couldn't say 'Mom, would you like to start the ball rolling', could I, so I had to address her as "Mrs." and the audience was mildly bewildered and amused. Quite trivial an incident, really, but it just popped up into my head after so many years.)
Spectacles screw came out during break today and I had to spent the rest of the day with lopsided glasses held together by visible scotch tape. Thank God for Aishu who didn't mind crawling on the inner plaza ground with me looking for the screw, and to two other kind people who suggested the use of scotch tape in the first place and offered theirs. Went to Jurong East after school to fix specs and ask about contacts. Really impressed at the friendly service and patient personalised help the optician's staff rendered in mending my broken spectacles and correcting its imbalance (it was already lopsided before it broke) as well as answering my questions about getting contact lenses. Really thankful to Mei and Wenjie as well for answering my questions about contact lenses. Wanted to get contacts but decided to postpone it to after As 'cos contact lenses should only be worn at most 10 hours a day and I'll probably be wearing it way longer given my early arrival in school and (hopefully soon) late dismissal (as a result of potential studying in the library). After the visit to the optician's (which willingly provided free service), I had an LJS lunch at Jurong Entertainment Centre, read my GP model application question sheet, a little of Public Finance (which is a very interesting topic) and finished Stats 9. Wasn't working at high efficiency 'cos was v distracted by the noise. Think I will study in the school library next time.
God has been really good. He's been guarding my heart. I've been fearful ('cos of the unknown/supernatural), stressed and tense ('cos of other private matters) as well as still hurt (the usual duck problems) but he's been comforting and encouraging and blessing me with friends each day too. I'm amazed at the nice nature of my friends, especially considering that I'm really not a very nice person, or rather, a pretty non-understandable withdrawn person.
Today in Prac Crit I shared with the class that actually the most open people can be least controlled. Many think it is the other way round, that if you open up more you give people more opportunities to use this information against you. The thing is, if I make my information so free to all, then whatever information you can use against me isn't v valuable and won't hurt me. Plus I think my long blogs show that a lot of things run through my head (v hard for people to decipher or understand or even get updated about me); whether these thoughts are worth thinking about is a different thing entirely.
I realise a very very sad fact. I have a dental appointment this Friday. Which means skipping school for a while (missing Maths and Lit). I don't like missing Lit tutorials especially 'cos they are v v v important. What makes it sad is I just missed school last Friday.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:09 p.m.
I was pushing myself today. Somewhat. A little. Maybe. Judging from MY personal standards.
Maths tutorial
Maths lecture
Break
Econs tutorial
Econs lecture
Reading Period
1. A father in the Philippines goes for a young and beautiful mistress.
I find the story of the mother v v sad. Why did her husband leave her for a young beautiful woman and why didn't he bother about her when she left? Was he lucky his sons returned to his side or was he indifferent? He wrote letters to the writer, his daughter. Why did he?
I am sure I don't need to spell out who I was thinking of when I read the article.
Geography Lecture
Hep B Injection - Final dose (out of 3)
Muddled around 'cos I was so shaken. Eileen knew; think she was v shocked that I was standing in the middle of nowhere at the back of the Reading Room staring at nothing. She had to settle everything for me. I was frozen, and I was thinking of him. Registered, made some calls on my phone (helped the nurse settle some matters). It felt good to be in charge, calling someone, at least having something to do. Given all-clear, went to the front where his class was gathered on one side (he was sitting at the back) and I was sitting with another group of people who for some reason were there even though they weren't going to take the injection. Eileen wanted to get back to lecture so she kinda prodded me along; which was good and I'm really grateful for that 'cos I was too stoned to do anything. I went to the injection chair like a zombie.
FEAR. I was very afraid. I lifted up my sleeve, trembly told the nurse I was afraid and then like the last time, jerked my body the other way so I would kinda let my injected arm go and avoid looking at the needle at all costs. The nurse was encouraging thank God, and she told me to sit straight which I did. And I started mildly hyperventilating (like when you're about to cry) and I was about to cry as I turned the other way and screwed up my face and started crying -the kind where you just make the sound without the tears-.
Of course I killed myself after that 'cos I could only imagine the possibilities:
So there I was, face screwed up, waiting for the prick of the needle and the pain. I remembered the pain from the second injection.
And then - it was over! I didn't even FEEL the needle. How anticlimatic.
But I had been traumatised and I muddled again (sitting, standing, just feeling v v awkward) and Eileen guided me back to Geog lecture. I hadn't recovered by then, but I smiled confidently (oh Esther is SUCH a great actress!) and went back to my seat. Wenjie was nice; she told me not to copy the stuff (my hand had lost quite a bit of control and couldn't write though I could have forced it to) and she lent me her notes after to photocopy. =)
Struggling with a few spiritual problems and not succeeding much. Actually the issue of homosexuality is not a religious contention. It can't be natural because a) [the stronger point] if couples were meant to be of the same sex and hence unable to reproduce themselves, there would be an extinction of the species. Humans naturally have basic survival instincts, so homosexuality cannot be natural b) [the slightly weaker point] there has been no scientific evidence supporting the idea that some people can't help being homosexual. Of course, there is also the moral value of the family unit and the Christian idea of the husband and wife coming together to be one flesh.
I mentioned in my previous blog that I learnt a bit from Sunday School yesterday. One of the lessons was this: as a Christian and someone who cares I should let people know my beliefs. They should feel uncomfortable when they sin around me and my presence should not be unimportant to them when they sin. This may offend some, but let me take the simple example of eating outside the canteen. That is breaking the school rules, so that is sin. I don't eat outside the canteen and my friends know that. They used to get angry with me because I seemed rigid and self-righteous perhaps but now they just accept it. But they still eat around me. While I can't control their actions, I should at least make them feel uncomfortable. It is difficult but it is a Christian's role as light and salt of the world.
It's difficult because I care a lot about people's feelings and I don't want to hurt them (although if I care a lot about my friends I should let them know that what they are doing is wrong). I know a few homosexuals (friends or otherwise). I may be a Christian but I find some Christians really v rigid and irritating - they don't seem to understand problems, it's just GodGodturntoGod all the time and sometimes you just don't want to listen and then they either get frustrated with you or say the wrong things. Guess I don't want people to judge me and I dislike it when they judge others too 'cos you can't judge my personal relationship with God by looking at whether I do my Quiet Time or attend fellowships etc. My Geography teacher in NY called herself a 'pew-warmer' but I could feel God work in her life. One thing I learnt from Sunday School was a reason for not depreciating the value of anyone: Adam was made in the image of God and breathed with the breath of God and God discussed and put in effort in his creation and saw that it was good, gave Adam dominion over the animals, BROUGHT animals TO Adam for him to name. The earth was made for man's enjoyment. The sinner is not of less worth because of his sin; unlike us, God looks at a person based on his potential and not what he seems to be. He hates sin, not the sinner. I shared with my Sunday School class about Xianwei. Frankly I can see him doing pretty well if he changes his bad habits.
Another thing I learn: God doesn't judge based on what we judge. We look at people with say, 4 As and 3 S papers and go 'wow' but everything really is God-given - the achievements don't make the person any better or more pleasing to God. At the end of my Sunday School class my teacher told me that God has given me many gifts and I should use them. Actually, with God's gifts comes a lot of responsibility (Adam had to work in the garden too; paradise is not idleness because man has an innate need to feel worthy and not redundant). Thinking about people with family problems...guess it's the worst feeling to feel like a mistake, but God never changes though humans change, and we were never a mistake. I thank God for that.
Wenwen's a bit enthusiastic about a lesbian relationship between her and me. I know she's not homosexual and that it's only a joke but I'm still uncomfortable and well, I joke it off but I don't like joking either 'cos I know it's wrong. Plus I guess...I'm still attached and well, I subscribe myself to very strict rules when I'm attached.
Which makes this time out so hard also 'cos I don't even get angry at him. I hate myself in a vicious cycle (hate myself then hate myself for hating myself or something like that) and I don't want to tarnish his reputation. My convictions state that I am to support and not to retaliate at all.
On his side: Still no reply. The rose is dead, the petals are black and his tin is still standing there, the cd cover in my drawer. He said we'll meet this week but he hasn't initiated anything. For the third time. Been keeping out of his way, but Mei sent me a forwarded sms (some hug and good night) today [thanks Mei! =)] and I decided to send it to him. No response.
Slid back into mild depression today though I'm still trying to climb back up. The hurt still remains. I can't imagine a guy can be so cruel. [But then again Esther, you yourself are cruel.]
Oh btw after the injection (during which I displayed such an unglamorous performance), Wenjie said, 'Poor princess' and I went, 'No. I am strong.' Somehow, I didn't want to be pathetic and desperate. My pride is still as strong as ever. [One very interesting thing to take note however is that just about everything I do now is based on this tumultuous relationship and its problems.]
Geog remedial
Hope Ms. Heng will not ask why I was absent on Friday tomorrow. I don't want to lie and I don't want to say I was in depression/sick of school/didn't want to come to school/needed a break.
My hair was quite a talked about matter. I was SO glad people didn't say I made a mistake 'cos I didn't want them to say that (because I had a lot of reasons for cutting my hair and I thought it through v carefully so DON'T JUDGE). Some people asked why. I just said I wanted a change. I don't think they wanted an essay of reasons. I think everyone who commented liked the new hairstyle, said I looked better. And of course, the two words that are ALWAYS associated with me were mentioned many many many times today. I was 'sweet' and 'cute'. I am not as bitter as I sound now, I don't mean to sound bitter actually. I really appreciated people telling me that I looked good 'cos a) I care about my looks [which is why I hate it when my mom talks about my skin - it's not like I don't try], b) I think I'm ugly [especially after this relationship] and c) I would never say the same to others simply 'cos I'm not that enthusiastic. It was cool today having so many people say hi to me, calling out to me along the way. I don't call people much; even if I saw Aishu (one of my best friends) in the canteen or something the probability of me calling out to her could be less than 0.5.
As usual spent a good deal of time blogging (like 2h) but it's worth it. I want to get things out. Came home straight after remedial and got down to doing GP homework (read the National Day Rally Speech) so spent 2h reading the 6 pages of National Day Rally articles in the Straits Times. They were really helpful though I really had to force myself to read them (discipline). Will most prob wake up a little earlier tomorrow to do Econs.
I'm trying to focus on the songs I'm listening to. Current cd has been Michael Card's Starkindler for a while and it still is, though I might change it 'cos I suddenly had a craving for The Ancient Faith's The Prophet (by Michael Card). Why I say focus is 'cos normally on the bus when the music is playing my thoughts wander a lot and I can get very depressive. The music sings of God and when I focus on the music I focus on God instead of on my disturbances and emotions.
I'm scared of the unknown and it scares me quite a bit. Please please don't scare me with the supernatural/ghosts. It helps that I know God and I know that he'll protect me; I pray, but the fear remains.
Teardrp A said 2 B:I'm e teardrp of a guy hu loved a gal n lost her u? B said:I'm e teardrp of e gal hu regrets letting tt guy go. ~Hannah's current MSN nick
God is good. Good night and God bless.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:54 p.m.
I was pushing myself today. Somewhat. A little. Maybe. Judging from MY personal standards.
Maths tutorial
Maths lecture
Break
Econs tutorial
Econs lecture
Reading Period
1. A father in the Philippines goes for a young and beautiful mistress.
I find the story of the mother v v sad. Why did her husband leave her for a young beautiful woman and why didn't he bother about her when she left? Was he lucky his sons returned to his side or was he indifferent? He wrote letters to the writer, his daughter. Why did he?
I am sure I don't need to spell out who I was thinking of when I read the article.
Geography Lecture
Hep B Injection - Final dose (out of 3)
Muddled around 'cos I was so shaken. Eileen knew; think she was v shocked that I was standing in the middle of nowhere at the back of the Reading Room staring at nothing. She had to settle everything for me. I was frozen, and I was thinking of him. Registered, made some calls on my phone (helped the nurse settle some matters). It felt good to be in charge, calling someone, at least having something to do. Given all-clear, went to the front where his class was gathered on one side (he was sitting at the back) and I was sitting with another group of people who for some reason were there even though they weren't going to take the injection. Eileen wanted to get back to lecture so she kinda prodded me along; which was good and I'm really grateful for that 'cos I was too stoned to do anything. I went to the injection chair like a zombie.
FEAR. I was very afraid. I lifted up my sleeve, trembly told the nurse I was afraid and then like the last time, jerked my body the other way so I would kinda let my injected arm go and avoid looking at the needle at all costs. The nurse was encouraging thank God, and she told me to sit straight which I did. And I started mildly hyperventilating (like when you're about to cry) and I was about to cry as I turned the other way and screwed up my face and started crying -the kind where you just make the sound without the tears-.
Of course I killed myself after that 'cos I could only imagine the possibilities:
So there I was, face screwed up, waiting for the prick of the needle and the pain. I remembered the pain from the second injection.
And then - it was over! I didn't even FEEL the needle. How anticlimatic.
But I had been traumatised and I muddled again (sitting, standing, just feeling v v awkward) and Eileen guided me back to Geog lecture. I hadn't recovered by then, but I smiled confidently (oh Esther is SUCH a great actress!) and went back to my seat. Wenjie was nice; she told me not to copy the stuff (my hand had lost quite a bit of control and couldn't write though I could have forced it to) and she lent me her notes after to photocopy. =)
Struggling with a few spiritual problems and not succeeding much. Actually the issue of homosexuality is not a religious contention. It can't be natural because a) [the stronger point] if couples were meant to be of the same sex and hence unable to reproduce themselves, there would be an extinction of the species. Humans naturally have basic survival instincts, so homosexuality cannot be natural b) [the slightly weaker point] there has been no scientific evidence supporting the idea that some people can't help being homosexual. Of course, there is also the moral value of the family unit and the Christian idea of the husband and wife coming together to be one flesh.
I mentioned in my previous blog that I learnt a bit from Sunday School yesterday. One of the lessons was this: as a Christian and someone who cares I should let people know my beliefs. They should feel uncomfortable when they sin around me and my presence should not be unimportant to them when they sin. This may offend some, but let me take the simple example of eating outside the canteen. That is breaking the school rules, so that is sin. I don't eat outside the canteen and my friends know that. They used to get angry with me because I seemed rigid and self-righteous perhaps but now they just accept it. But they still eat around me. While I can't control their actions, I should at least make them feel uncomfortable. It is difficult but it is a Christian's role as light and salt of the world.
It's difficult because I care a lot about people's feelings and I don't want to hurt them (although if I care a lot about my friends I should let them know that what they are doing is wrong). I know a few homosexuals (friends or otherwise). 'cos I may be a Christian but I find some Christians really v rigid and irritating - they don't seem to understand problems, it's just GodGodturntoGod all the time and sometimes you just don't want to listen and then they either get frustrated with you or you say the wrong things. Guess I don't want people to judge me and I dislike it when they judge others too 'cos you can't judge my personal relationship with God by looking at whether I do my Quiet Time or attend fellowships etc. My Geography teacher in NY called herself a 'pew-warmer' but I could feel God work in her life. One thing I learnt from Sunday School was a reason for not depreciating the value of anyone: Adam was made in the image of God and breathed with the breath of God and God discussed and put in effort in his creation and saw that it was good, gave Adam dominion over the animals, BROUGHT animals TO Adam for him to name. The earth was made for man's enjoyment. The sinner is not of less worth because of his sin; unlike us, God looks at a person based on his potential and not what he seems to be. He hates sin, not the sinner. I shared with my Sunday School class about Xianwei. Frankly I can see him doing pretty well if he changes his bad habits.
Another thing I learn: God doesn't judge based on what we judge. We look at people with say, 4 As and 3 S papers and go 'wow' but everything really is God-given - the achievements don't make the person any better or more pleasing to God. At the end of my Sunday School class my teacher told me that God has given me many gifts and I should use them. Actually, with God's gifts comes a lot of responsibility (Adam had to work in the garden too; paradise is not idleness because man has an innate need to feel worthy and not redundant). Thinking about people with family problems...guess it's the worst feeling to feel like a mistake, but God never changes though humans change, and we were never a mistake. I thank God for that.
Wenwen's a bit enthusiastic about a lesbian relationship between her and me. I know she's not homosexual and that it's only a joke but I'm still uncomfortable and well, I joke it off but I don't like joking either 'cos I know it's wrong. Plus I guess...I'm still attached and well, I subscribe myself to very strict rules when I'm attached.
Which makes this time out so hard also 'cos I don't even get angry at him. I hate myself in a vicious cycle (hate myself then hate myself for hating myself or something like that) and I don't want to tarnish his reputation. My convictions state that I am to support and not to retaliate at all.
On his side: Still no reply. The rose is dead, the petals are black and his tin is still standing there, the cd cover in my drawer. He said we'll meet this week but he hasn't initiated anything. For the third time. Been keeping out of his way, but Mei sent me a forwarded sms (some hug and good night) today [thanks Mei! =)] and I decided to send it to him. No response.
Slid back into mild depression today though I'm still trying to climb back up. The hurt still remains. I can't imagine a guy can be so cruel. [But then again Esther, you yourself are cruel.]
Oh btw after the injection (during which I displayed such an unglamorous performance), Wenjie said, 'Poor princess' and I went, 'No. I am strong.' Somehow, I didn't want to be pathetic and desperate. My pride is still as strong as ever. [One very interesting thing to take note however is that just about everything I do now is based on this tumultuous relationship and its problems.]
Geog remedial
Hope Ms. Heng will not ask why I was absent on Friday tomorrow. I don't want to lie and I don't want to say I was in depression/sick of school/didn't want to come to school/needed a break.
My hair was quite a talked about matter. I was SO glad people didn't say I made a mistake 'cos I didn't want them to say that (because I had a lot of reasons for cutting my hair and I thought it through v carefully so DON'T JUDGE). Some people asked why. I just said I wanted a change. I don't think they wanted an essay of reasons. I think everyone who commented liked the new hairstyle, said I looked better. And of course, the two words that are ALWAYS associated with me were mentioned many many many times today. I was 'sweet' and 'cute'. I am not as bitter as I sound now, I don't mean to sound bitter actually. I really appreciated people telling me that I looked good 'cos a) I care about my looks [which is why I hate it when my mom talks about my skin - it's not like I don't try], b) I think I'm ugly [especially after this relationship] and c) I would never say the same to others simply 'cos I'm not that enthusiastic. It was cool today having so many people say hi to me, calling out to me along the way. I don't call people much; even if I saw Aishu (one of my best friends) in the canteen or something probability of calling out to her could be less than 0.5.
As usual spent a good deal of time blogging (like 2h) but it's worth it. I want to get things out. Came home straight after remedial and got down to doing GP homework (read the National Day Rally Speech) so spent 2h reading the 6 pages of National Day Rally articles in the Straits Times. They were really helpful though I really had to force myself to read them (discipline). Will most prob wake up a little earlier tomorrow to do Econs.
I'm trying to focus on the songs I'm listening to. Current cd has been Michael Card's Starkindler for a while and it still is, though I might change it 'cos I suddenly had a craving for The Ancient Faith's The Prophet (by Michael Card). Why I say focus is 'cos normally on the bus when the music is playing my thoughts wander a lot and I can get very depressive. The music sings of God and when I focus on the music I focus on God instead of on my disturbances and emotions.
I'm scared of the unknown and it scares me quite a bit. Please please don't scare me with the supernatural/ghosts. It helps that I know God and I know that he'll protect me; I pray, but the fear remains.
Teardrp A said 2 B:I'm e teardrp of a guy hu loved a gal n lost her u? B said:I'm e teardrp of e gal hu regrets letting tt guy go. ~Hannah's current MSN nick
God is good. Good night and God bless.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:54 p.m.
Raised my voice at dinner 'cos I talked about my GP tutor. Didn't get to finish what I was getting at (I tend to be v long-winded) but yep, anger unintended but evident.
Poor mom. Used her thumbnail to break the plastic wrapping the jelly cups, pressed too hard, plastic gave way, she found the blade of the plastic jelly spoons under her thumb nail...the layer under the nail was pushed back, cut, and her whole thumb was covered in blood. I'm scared of pain, it really hurts when I see others in pain. I remember the time DW described his toe injured during basketball, I didn't even see it and I was hurting for like 2 weeks after that...this time, the image of my mom's thumb getting hurt kept playing over and over in my head like some cruel graphic joke and I kept pressing my nail and skin, thinking of the pain. Ouch. I know she hurt today. I remember the time I pulled a teeny bit of that layer out, it hurts. Hers probably hurts even more. :(
I've cut my hair. It's a calculated decision thought for months, not something on impulse. Like many other things I do, this cutting has many many reasons. So, I would advise you not to ask about it.
I don't do work at home 'cos I'm on the compy all the time. Unless I'm plodding through A Passage To India a few pages at a time. I need to do work out. Today I went to Starbucks IMM. Finished Statistics Tutorial 8 (i.e. did the examination questions; see previous entry) and the Statistics worksheet (from where I left off). Did 4 Examination Questions from Statistics Tutorial 9. Less than three hours of work but at least some work is done. Admire my classmates for doing entire Maths tutorials 'cos I v rarely do. But I will be doing Maths (and homework hopefully esp. Geog) for the next few days 'cos I wanna get an A for the lecture test. Of course, I'm conveniently forgetting that I have the Prelims to study for. (No I don't forget, but my study plan is always dif from others.)
Got a bit sad today. Of course the hurt comes every now and then. I can ... condone ... but I cannot forgive DW for what he did to me. No matter how you drive it, he did do wrong, and he treated me very badly (not as a general rule, but this time). I don't forgive, not guys who have been in a relationship with me (I pronounce myself a guy hazard). Judging from previous relationships frankly, DW would already be on my enemy list now (I was cruel, I broke up with guys over one mistake they made). But unlike previous relationships this was one in which I really loved and really gave and was really loved in return so I guess it's different.
I can kan4 de2 kai1 (literal translation: see clearly) now. The hurt comes and goes. It helps to talk with others. Feel kinda jaded. I guess it's 'cos I've been into feminism, marriage and motherhood for my entire life, and 'cos I've been in and out of relationships, and 'cos this last/present/status undetermined relationship was so intense I've really forgotten what it's like to be single. And also 'cos I'm a v v open person, someone who doesn't dwell in crushes/infatuations (no the idea I want is deeper than that but I can't pinpoint it). If I like you I'll say so. And even if I don't love you, I don't mind trying 'cos to me love is about effort (that's what happened in my last/present/status undetermined relationship, didn't love from the start but pledged to love, eventually did fall in love). Guess my attitude is that you won't really know anything until you try and well relationships are not ideal: there isn't a right time for relationships, it's just about whether you (and the other party of course) are willing to work, and learn. A relationship is not a conclusion. It's a process.
This was and is my belief, refined over the years.
I don't know why I was hurting my thumbs today. Tried not to though, pulled the skin painfully at first then just decided to clip it off quickly. Tired. Didn't do work tonight again. Buck upbuckupbuckup.
Learnt a lot today from Sunday School which I'm applying. Or trying to apply.
God bless.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:51 p.m.
Raised my voice at dinner 'cos I talked about my GP tutor. Didn't get to finish what I was getting at (I tend to be v long-winded) but yep, anger unintended but evident.
Poor mom. Used her thumbnail to break the plastic wrapping the jelly cups, pressed too hard, plastic gave way, she found the blade of the plastic jelly spoons under her thumb nail...the layer under the nail was pushed back, cut, and her whole thumb was covered in blood. I'm scared of pain, it really hurts when I see others in pain. I remember the time DW described his toe injured during basketball, I didn't even see it and I was hurting for like 2 weeks after that...this time, the image of my mom's thumb getting hurt kept playing over and over in my head like some cruel graphic joke and I kept pressing my nail and skin, thinking of the pain. Ouch. I know she hurt today. I remember the time I pulled a teeny bit of that layer out, it hurts. Hers probably hurts even more. :(
I've cut my hair. It's a calculated decision thought for months, not something on impulse. Like many other things I do, this cutting has many many reasons. So, I would advise you not to ask about it.
I don't do work at home 'cos I'm on the compy all the time. Unless I'm plodding through A Passage To India a few pages at a time. I need to do work out. Today I went to Starbucks IMM. Finished Statistics Tutorial 8 (i.e. did the examination questions; see previous entry) and the Statistics worksheet (from where I left off). Did 4 Examination Questions from Statistics Tutorial 9. Less than three hours of work but at least some work is done. Admire my classmates for doing entire Maths tutorials 'cos I v rarely do. But I will be doing Maths (and homework hopefully esp. Geog) for the next few days 'cos I wanna get an A for the lecture test. Of course, I'm conveniently forgetting that I have the Prelims to study for. (No I don't forget, but my study plan is always dif from others.)
Got a bit sad today. Of course the hurt comes every now and then. I can ... condone ... but I cannot forgive DW for what he did to me. No matter how you drive it, he did do wrong, and he treated me very badly (not as a general rule, but this time). I don't forgive, not guys who have been in a relationship with me (I pronounce myself a guy hazard). Judging from previous relationships frankly, DW would already be on my enemy list now (I was cruel, I broke up with guys over one mistake they made). But unlike previous relationships this was one in which I really loved and really gave and was really loved in return so I guess it's different.
I can kan4 de2 kai1 (literal translation: see clearly) now. The hurt comes and goes. It helps to talk with others. Feel kinda jaded. I guess it's 'cos I've been into feminism, marriage and motherhood for my entire life, and 'cos I've been in and out of relationships, and 'cos this last/present/status undetermined relationship was so intense I've really forgotten what it's like to be single. And also 'cos I'm a v v open person, someone who doesn't dwell in crushes/infatuations (no the idea I want is deeper than that but I can't pinpoint it). If I like you I'll say so. And even if I don't love you, I don't mind trying 'cos to me love is about effort (that's what happened in my last/present/status undetermined relationship, didn't love from the start but pledged to love, eventually did fall in love). Guess my attitude is that you won't really know anything until you try and well relationships are not ideal: there isn't a right time for relationships, it's just about whether you (and the other party of course) are willing to work, and learn. A relationship is not a conclusion. It's a process.
This was and is my belief, refined over the years.
I don't know why I was hurting my thumbs today. Tried not to though, pulled the skin painfully at first then just decided to clip it off quickly. Tired. Didn't do work tonight again. Buck upbuckupbuckup.
Learnt a lot today from Sunday School which I'm applying. Or trying to apply.
God bless.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:51 p.m.
I wore my favourite outfit: my white GioSport shirt with a glittery red star in front and my soft black pants with two red-orange wood beads hanging from two unevenly-long strings. I tied my hair neatly with a dark red scrunchie and decided to wear white socks and blue sports shoes. Funky.
It was good to take myself out. I needed the break from school yesterday, and the outing of solitude today. I went to the Esplanade. Lunch was Art Digest's hot Spaghetti Bolognese and the iced-blended cafe mocha I've pronounced best in Singapore. Having read a recent article that multi-tasking is bad for the brain, I downed my spaghetti concentratedly and quickly, then sipped my mocha with E.M. Forster's A Passage To India for company. I like that book, and I'm reading it at my own slow pace. I want to drink in the words and turn them over and over in my head.
I didn't mug. I enjoyed my studying. I finished up Statistics Tutorial 8 and 9 Basic Questions and Assignment (I didn't bring my ten-year-series so I didn't do the Examination Questions). Then I did some more Statistics questions from the worksheet. All these questions are homework, but knowing me I wouldn't usually have done it, so I'm really glad I will go to school on Monday a little more prepared. By God's grace, I may repeat last Sunday's feat and have another little Maths session at IMM's Starbucks tomorrow.
It gave me great joy to be able to figure out difficult questions. I don't like giving up, and I learnt a lot today. The Statistics test is on Thursday, and a mock-Prelim paper next Monday. I should buck up on my Maths but I think I'm finally getting somewhere.
The Esplanade library is really cold, so I did some studying outside. Walked around outside for a while too, sat by the water, let the wind blow my hair, admired the beautiful merlion spewing water and the waves and the canoeists rowing together and the beautiful architecture of what looked like the Parliament building (but then again my knowledge of Singapore's geography is quite lacking). Stared at the esplanade's spikes. Thought of Prisca, Nat, Aishu, Haihan ge, Colin kor, De Wen, Alanna, Raining and Ailin...felt so happy. I decided to share my happiness with Nat, De Wen and my mother. Sat there for a while just enjoying the beauty of the surroundings, thought of God.
Music touched me today. I listened to Michael Card's Starkindler cd twice through. It's my favourite cd, and it has my favourite song Be Thou My Vision in original and reprise. Appreciated De Wen for sharing Michael Card with me. During the MRT ride I thought of us funky people sitting on the floor at the end of the MRT station, sitting in the MRT on the floor...when the train reaches Dover the doors open the other way. Looked at the map of stations, Jurong where I live, Khatib where he lives, Toa Payoh where we watched the girls' and guys' basketball matches, Outram Park where I embarked on that crazy walk up and down Pearl's Hill and other places and asked many people for directions just to get to his church on Christmas morning after not sleeping an entire night, Jurong IMM, Changi, Bishan where his aunt lives, Orchard Takashimaya and library, Yoshinoya, the stone seats outside Taka where we sang to each other, City Hall Suntec City the great fountain of wealth my favourite place, our Country Manna dinner during the Arts Fac party, Marina Square jigsaw puzzles and Maths magic, Esplanade doing our lovely jigsaw puzzle and figuring out the Maths on the queens and the cards, Dhoby Ghaut Plaza Singapura movies, Boon Lay Jurong Point Swensens, Clementi and Dover after National Team training, Newton Circus Hawker Centre, school...crying on the train in front of you, the conversations...
Thought and thought. The heart was touched on the train. Thought of the friends I've made the past two years. Council. Class. Thought of Sunday School. I have so many friends. Felt so undeserving, felt so touched.
Today I felt that life was worth living.
The past two years, no matter how many tears I have shed, how many emotions I have spilled, these past two years were the best years of my life. If I had given up along the way I would never have experienced this joy.
I would have more in future. I should not give up.
When I entered council, one thing people always told me was that I should put in effort so I wouldn't look back on my council term with regret, and 'cos I would get in return how much I'd put in. I view my relationship in this way.
I don't regret this relationship. It may have been crazy, it may have had its ups and downs but it was a good relationship. I know with deepest sincerity that I gave of my deepest love, that all the sacrifices were nothing. I remember all the memories with fondness, even the first kiss you gave me that night in the Central Plaza 18th October 2002, your birthday and Open House. The a1 song you dedicated to me - One More Try. National Day celebrations 2002, when I was so happy I flew into your arms right then and there in the hall...MAF 2002, when I ran and jumped into your arms again 'cos I was so happy to see you. You were right there for me, on Investiture, when I lost my locker key, couldn't get my formal attire and was crying. You were there waiting for me after council, and helping me along in council. The letters...the test tube at MAF street market that you paid $5 for, extra fee just to say DEWEN LUV ESTHER, the balloon on Teachers' Day. I think years down the road I will remember.
I have been blessed to know love, to have experienced it. I know I loved you with all my heart and I know that you loved me too. I saw you cry.
I remember the poem I wrote in your voice. You were the speaker and the speaker said, "Love me just 'cos I am me". Do you remember? I did love you for you, and I still love you for you.
I am glad to be a part of your life, and glad that you are a part of my life. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there.
There's a time for everything, including letting go, and I know now that whatever you decide it won't really matter because the value of this relationship remains. I thought a lot about things today, and I realised that I didn't really mind anything. Ending is bittersweet. Because it brings freedom and because I will carry the memories of this relationship forever. Staying on is good because I love you wholeheartedly. Even limbo is good because I don't want to force you into anything.
I am content to continue this time out, even for months. If God wills, then may we be together. Whatever you choose, I will support you. 'cos whatever I did and whatever mistakes I made, even if it came out wrong, I know that ultimately I gave you the best love I could give.
Somehow the hurt doesn't matter anymore. I asked myself if you were still the DW I knew and loved or if you had changed, but I realised that even if you changed I'd still love you. It isn't infatuation nor obsession. It was true love and I'm so blessed to experience it. And I don't hate myself anymore 'cos I know the worth of what I gave. And 'cos I know that ultimately I didn't love you on the surface. I loved you just 'cos you are you.
I wanted to share my life with you. I still do. I smsed you today about my happiness but you didn't sms back. I don't know what's up with you. But I'm content to wait.
Tomorrow I will cut my hair short.
I'm out of depression and on the upswing.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:36 p.m.
It hurts a lot.
Ok so I wake up early and anxiously look at the clock anticipating the meeting. I pray twice this morning.
Then he smses.
I expect the worse. That he's not coming.
He's online, actually. But he needs to go off soon.
So I go online.
And he asks me how I am. I don't know what to say but I tell him it hurts. We exchange preliminary greetings. I wish he would just jump in and say whatever he wants to say. I can't say anything. I can't say anything 'cos I'm afraid whatever I say will come out wrong.
He tells me he needs to go off soon.
My question is, then why didn't you arrange to meet earlier? But I don't ask it 'cos it's one down against me again. I don't know why hurting has become a crime, and why I can't even say anything without there being consequences.
My connection goes off. I try to connect again but it won't connect. I ask my brother for help. I'm upset. In the end I restart the computer. The connection still won't work. I move the piece. I try to pray, but I feel so ...
I come online.
I try thanking God but it comes out empty. 'cos I'm selfish. I need to come online. It means that much to me. I don't think it does to him. He just came online to check his mail is all. While here I am not even surfing anything but just paying attention to his messages.
Thought he would send me a message but he didn't so I did. Nvm. Being oversensitive.
Before we get anything done he has to go. Go out. Before I can say anything he goes offline.
And he just leaves me hanging. Like I've all the time in the world.
THE END.
I just want to cry. My eyes are drowning in tears already and my face is streaked with tears again.
I'm so out of your life.
I don't matter.
Is it so wrong to love?
Then I hate myself again 'cos I cry so much. I break down so easily. 'cos the tears just seem to come. And if I told him this he'd leave me 'cos he couldn't handle me. So I can't even cry.
Suddenly I can't do anything. Even living is a crime.
Deleted all my answers for Friday Five. Think I'll do it another time when I'm more stable. The answers I gave just now were ... you don't want to know. (And I wouldn't want you to know either 'cos knowing how crazy I can be you'd all just leave.)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:20 a.m.
So I smsed him one question because I didn't want to break up on my perception that he didn't love me. It wasn't even a strong perception 'cos I thought/hoped otherwise.
"Do you love me?"
I thought he'd answer something like, "I dunno." but he said -
"Yes why?"
Surprise 1: He loves me. Which means a lot.
So I told him he doesn't seem to love me and that when I told my dad that guys don't listen my dad said it's 'cos they don't care. That he doesn't hurt 'cos I'm hurting does he. And that I hurt so much I want to let go. That it seems like I'm a nuisance.
(Felt like Jingjing from Holland V. Teared when I saw her cry. I feel so ugly, so immature, so misunderstood, and so ... rejected. Jingjing's a very sweet and cute girl who genuinely loves. But she makes mistakes. I can, but don't want to, write an elaborate commentary on the show now. I don't even watch the show much, but I feel a lot. I don't intend to put myself up.)
He gave the usual replies i.e. "No" (i.e. denying the accusations without elaborating so I'd be convinced and reassured), "I dunno". But, he said it hurts that I'm hurting.
Surprise 2: He cares. Which means a lot.
I asked him to come online.
I thought he wouldn't. That he would say he was too busy with his studies. Plus I felt like I was being demanding again and would give the wrong impression. Plus I didn't say that I wanted to talk even though that was the reason I asked him to come online.
"I'll try...Com jammed.."
Surprise 3: He actually agreed to my request. Which means a lot.
I told myself not to expect too much. His com gives him a lot of trouble.
Then the beep of an sms coming in. Suspense.
"Hey can i talk to u online tmrw morning instead say abt ten cos my com won't connect.."
Surprise 4: He sent an sms that is more than a few words long. Which means a lot.
Surprise 5: He actually gave an alternative suggestion. Which means a lot.
Surprise 6: He actually actually ACTUALLY SPECIFIED, gave some DETAILS. Initiative. Finally.
Though the tears were still blinding I smiled.
And I thanked him. Genuinely. I honestly appreciated it.
Now I'm in trouble. If we meet online tomorrow, chances are he'll read my blog. And if he reads my blog, he'll see all the nasty things I wrote about him. Which will make even a most rational person defensive and angry simply because of the magnitude of negativity.
I hate myself.
I hate myself for obsessing over him. For thinking so much about him. I feel weak, insecure, desperate and dependent. And because if he wanted to I could be easily manipulated. Not to the extent that I give up my principles e.g. pre-marital sex is a big NO (not that he'd ask for it), but I would do A LOT for him. I don't want to elaborate on what I'd do 'cos I'd be displaying my weakness too much.
I hate myself for being depressed. I'm in depression. I've been staying up until 2-3a.m. to blog. I've been distracted in class. I've withdrawn. I've been smiling less. I've not been talking normally to people to the extent that it's obvious. Xin Yi called and I couldn't even get out of the depression. I've been saying the most surprising things to people (e.g. sighed and told my mom today that "Trust me. I know a lot of guys. They don't listen." or something to that effect). I've been self-injuring every day: mind, fluids, genitals, thumb, fingernails, toenails, knee. I've been very sensitive, to tv especially. I've been crying a lot. I've been physically and mentally tired and sick from the stress. I skipped school today.
And I hate myself for being in depression because if it means I'm going to lose someone I love then it's not worth it. Now even being in depression is dangerous. It's a crime. But I can't get out of it.
Why am I trying so hard? If he loves me, he should accept me for who I am. But somehow the responsibility weighs on me to make myself more lovable. I hate myself. For being too immature, idealistic, unrealistic and critical of myself. For living in the past and for clinging on to the good and bad memories. Like the photo of the two of us during MAF. For living in regret. For living in my own world where life doesn't move on.
I am not taking back what I said on my blog in my previous entries. Because I honestly felt that way. Because I'm a writer and I turn to writing to vent my emotions. Because I don't want to hide anything from him. Because if we want to work this out he has to know how I've been feeling.
The only reason I'd take for a breakup is that he doesn't love me. But if he initiates a breakup with me for the third time now, I will agree because it is his choice and I've fought enough. I was a bitch, and I deserve to lose him.
It's not that I'm so emotionally unstable now that I'm unable to be logical. In fact, I was impressed that I was able to speak some sense at the table today. My parents were frustrated over my brother. But I pointed out that
1. Today was a holiday for my brother (cross country so no school) and he didn't need to study every day.
I try. I really try. To be understanding.
And my expectations of others are way lower than my expectations of myself.
But I expect from others a certain standard of logic and responsibility.
I'm confused. 'cos I keep putting others up and myself down that I feel
a) ugly/insert negative adjective
Skipped school today. Overslept, didn't do homework, didn't pack bag, didn't study for test and just plain chickened out. So now I have FOUR Geog DRQs to handle and my Maths tutorials and whatever else. Didn't want to skip Lit (4 periods of Lit) and I had administrative matters to clear for class (Prom) and council (photo orders) but in addition to my general unpreparedness as a reason to skip school, I also knew that today was a Friday, my only day without Econs and JT -who's v pissed with me for missing school and legitimately so [she showed me my attendance since the beginning of the year and yep, I miss a lot of school, like last year]-.
I admit it. I have very serious problems.
The next time (which I hope never comes) JT pressures me about my attendance I think I'll tell her the truth.
I hate feeling this depressed because it shows I'm weak, it shows I'm incapable and it may signal the end of my relationship.
Not severely worryingly suicidal, but steadily losing the will to live and contemplating -mildly not obsessively-suicide.
Why do I bother to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Why don't I just say "I want to kill myself. I want to stab myself in the stomach and see the knife slide gently and smoothly in or slit my throat hard and easy" which I do, but I don't want to. I don't like endings. And I'm not -that- upset. And talking to others too much about depression will lead to drastic and understandable consequences. Like people walking out of your life 'cos they can't take you anymore.
Midnight now. Had a hard time blogging tonight, trying to put down all my feelings in words. Very exhausted. Will go to sleep now and make sure I wake up early. Maybe 6a.m.. Pray for me, because I won't.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:39 p.m.
I'm withdrawing. Even Xin Yi wondered why I was so quiet this afternoon during tea at Coffee Bean. I'm not doing this on purpose, but I'm not in a good mood and I'm smiling less than I used to (in class and along the corridors).
I saw him today. He was talking and laughing really loudly with his classmates (?). My friend said she saw him sitting at his class bench with about 5 or 6 of his class girls who were tutoring him. Seems like he's working really hard.
Every time I see him he looks extremely happy. The first time this girl was screaming excitedly, "De Wen!!!" and his face brightened and he looked past me to her (I think he didn't see me). Other times he looks like he's really happy and having a great time.
It's amazing then why every single sms replied from him to me (I always initiate sms) comes back sounding depressed.
I feel so ugly, like a shadow hanging over him. Why do I even bother to talk to him when he doesn't want me to? My friends are surprised that I'm still so nice, buying him things and smsing him. Today I looked at his rose and the petals. They're dying. The petals are turning black and the rose is wilting and drooping. They definitely won't survive until next week. Why do we even bother meeting next week? He doesn't want to talk. He just wants to get the gifts. Yet while he wants to get the gifts, he somehow can't spare a second in the morning to take them from me, and despite me telling him that his rose is dying he doesn't care.
I don't know why I'm still hanging on. He obviously doesn't love me and care for me. If he did he wouldn't hurt me so much. He wouldn't brush me off, he wouldn't lie, he wouldn't say hurting things behind my back and he wouldn't be so happy and nonchalant when he knows very well that I'm hurting. This relationship means nothing to him.
I read a poem he wrote to me. In this poem he says no one could ever take my place (especially in his heart), that I'm his queen, and that I'm "the only girl [he loves]". I know he meant it then. What about now?
I've been thinking a lot and I really think he hasn't been treating me rightly. A relationship comes with certain responsibilities and even if one has studies and other commitments one has to rightly justify himself to his girlfriend, not push her aside and let her hurt. So my studies don't matter?
The rose will not survive until next week. I wonder what I'm going to do with it. But I will wait until after we meet before making my decision.
But if there are no drastic changes, I'm going to ask for a breakup. There is no use loving a guy who doesn't love me and doesn't want to try to. I don't think he even cares whether I'm alive.
Came home at about 5.30p.m. then packed my room from then to about 9.40p.m., taking only a 35 min or so dinner break. My room looks a lot better, but my packing isn't completed. As usual I have great plans.
1. Complete daily work and finish owed work. I did my Econs Foreign Exchange MCQs today, so thankfully I should have no Econs homework for a while. For work I want to do my:
-3 Geog DRQs
From now on hopefully I will be doing homework (note: I haven't really started on revision yet) early in the morning (6.40a.m. to 7.30a.m. in school), during my one period break and when I reach home after school. I am not mugging. I am just using this workplan as a guide.
2. Pack my room really well such that it's very neat and conducive for studying, with my notes in place for my revision. This is underway.
3. Get my writing portfolio out. This is a lot of work.
4. Start reading the handouts I got from the scholarship fairs and do research on the Urban Redevelopment Authority (URA), Singapore Press Holdings (SPH) and various universities in the US, UK and Australia. I am very interested in a URA overseas scholarship to do Geography in the UK.
5. Although the previous 4 items are important, of course, I need to start my revision too and I have a lot of readings to clear for Geog and Lit, not to mention notes to start with. Tomorrow marks one month to the Prelims (15th Steptember, excluding GP).
Yet, in all my dealings, I must remember not to forget God, whom I've neglected, and yet who has continued to bless me every day of my life.
Just a note: I do check my e-mails but often I leave them unread. I don't read blogs. I come online (for quite a long time actually) to chat and write my own blog, which is important to me.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:30 p.m.
I haven't been doing my homework. I owe 3 DRQs for Geog, and I haven't done my homework for tomorrow. Think I'll go to school early to do. Might not join the councillors 'cos if I'm not doing Maths I can concentrate better alone (I can do Maths at any place).
Plus I've been going online, watching tv, reading.
But.
1. I don't go online for fun, frankly. I go online to vent my frustrations on my blog, and to chat. Also I had to clear 500+ mails from my inbox yesterday, and I haven't finished.
2. Most of the time I watch good shows like today's Children of Heaven and Channel News Asia. I rarely watch tv.
3. Been reading newspapers and starting on my rereading of Passage to India (Lit novel).
So it's not like I've been wasting my time. But a lot of time is spent sleeping, talking and blogging. Need to buck up.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:47 a.m.
The boy is very like someone I know. Him, to be more specific.
1. He's smart. He tops his class. [Or he could top his class if he wanted to.]
2. He cares a lot about his family. He's relatively obedient. He doesn't go to sports practice and match 'cos his mom is ill. He helps out with the housework. He cares about his sister.
3. He cries very often. Guys shouldn't be ashamed of that.
4. He has a lot of problems. His dad is poor, his mom is ill, and he lost his sister's shoes so the two of them have to share one pair of shoes. As a result he's late.
5. He has goals and ambitions and determination when he wants to/needs to.
BUT. Despite all these virtues,
6. HE DOESN'T TALK. He doesn't share anything. He makes excuses. The thing is, if he only told the truth and was a little more assertive instead of wallowing in depression, running off alone and not interacting with his friends, the discipline master would believe him and his sister would believe him. People actually care for him (e.g. his dad) and want him around (e.g. his friends) but his friends don't trust him anymore 'cos he just doesn't go for practice and matches and gives excuses until when he tells the truth ("My mom is sick") people don't believe him anymore. Plus his excuses are very ridiculous. "I fell into the gutter", "I live very far". And he likes to postpone things indefinitely without giving good alternatives e.g.
Ali: "My dad has to work."
And he makes promises he can't keep.
Discipline master: "I don't want this happening again."
I mean, it's not like the world is heartless. You are DEFINITELY going to be late sooner or later if you keep up this routine, so please stop betraying people's trust in you and being an irritating pest and having people on your back all the time. Just tell everyone the truth. It's not like they will pity you. But they will understand you more. I pity you even MORE that you're so incapable of telling the truth.
You don't practise what you preach. You say to your sister, "I thought you understood [that dad has no money to buy you new shoes]" but you don't help people understand yourself. It's not unselfishness. It's selfishness and stupidity. And when everything happens as a result of your selfishness and stupidity, you wallow in depression and the whole cycle repeats again. Apparently friendship means nothing to you.
He's a really caring boy with a lovely smile. Dark and cute. But he needs to talk more.
Yep, so this is my take on the show. Forgive the harshness.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Cried today. Thought I was dull to the pain but I blew up at DW over sms. I don't want to talk about it. It happens again and again anyway. And I don't know where to draw the line already between pushing you and just letting you be that way. You obviously don't listen to anything I say and you don't love or care about me at all.
Anyway, the meeting has been postponed (again) to next week because apparently you're busy. And DW's rose and petals are really dying. Took them out of the tin, washed them 'cos they (and the tin) were stinking really badly. Put water and all, but I tell you, they won't survive until next week. And I found out a few things:
1. You're too busy. You're not too busy to watch tv or go out with your family but you're too busy to get the GIFTS I am giving to you from me. Too busy in the mornings, too busy after school. Too busy to the extent that even though I finally told you I'm giving you a rose and that your rose is DYING you're still too busy. Don't blame me if next week your rose is wilted. Don't worry, I'm not too busy to buy things for you, to write a letter to you, to care about this relationship, to take care of your rose, to sms you to arrange something 'cos you're too busy...
2. Me: "Why are we meeting? [What does this meeting mean to you?]" You: "I thought you need to pass me sth?". Ok. So gifts have been reduced to 'sth' and the meeting is purely because I need to pass you sth.
3. You don't know that we haven't talked normally for one month. You say you don't know how long we haven't talked because your memory is bad. More like you don't care.
And of COURSE, all the accusations end with you saying sorry, that you're not good enough and slipping back into your own little world again. Which is not the point. The point is not that you're not good enough get it? At this rate you're going even if you're not good enough you'll never be good enough!
I have refrained from hurling expletives blatantly online. You know, it may very well be that you have your own good reasons for doing what you're doing and treating me the way you're treating but you don't say and you don't BOTHER to say and even when I tell you this and keep reiterating it you still don't LISTEN.
It's like, even if I want to keep this relationship you're forcing me out.
But wait, I forget. You DON'T EVEN WANT TO KEEP THIS RELATIONSHIP. What was I thinking?
I don't know what to do with you.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:12 a.m.
On his part, he was quite unreachable. He was in his own world, and he often left me to join his class. I lightened up on many things, but he just drifted away. I felt neglected and was left guessing.
I couldn't give him his space. Maybe because the time out was not clearly defined - for how long? It seemed to have no limits; the only reason he gave was that he needed to concentrate on his study, and that did not justify leaving me because a) I had my studies to worry about too, b) We could work at it together and c) He was choosing his classmates over me so the problem could not have been with his study but with me. Furthermore, I was not asking for after-school meetings. We couldn't even share mornings and common breaks.
My friends haven't exactly been totally defensive of me, but have tried to be objective, and that I truly appreciate.
I was pretty calm last night, but something said hurt me a lot. What happened was one of my friends asked DW if he was going out with me the next day, and he said, "Do I have to? Did Esther say I have to?" and when told, "No. She didn't say anything." he said "Thank God". I think I don't need to explain why I was hurt.
I wonder if he feels pain or if he's dull to the relationship and just wants to move on with his life to pursue his other ambitions. I've been thinking about this relationship a lot, and I know I can't judge because everything's a muddle and there is no one clear reason or just one party at fault. My first question in the previous entry summarises quite well the problems though. It's hard to rectify the situation now that we've drifted so much, run so far from the problems and each other, and just put on this can't-be-bothered attitude.
Woke up at 8. Injured my genitals and manipulated my fluids before. Been doing that quite often now. Then went to practise violin until 9.15a.m. before packing and leaving for my school. Met Angeline (friend from church) while walking to the main centre to register; she was holding her violin about to take her Grade 3 exam and my teachers were accompanying her to the main centre. I registered then went back to the branch to practise my violin. Practised from 9.50a.m. to 11.05a.m.; repeated my pieces and scales. Had a few rounds with the piano with my violin teacher giving last minute coaching. Two other students taking their exams came later so my teachers helped them and I had time to practise on my own.
The examination room used is the same one used every year, one of the biggest in the whole school. The examiner's name is displayed on the door of the room and right before the exam the candidate is taken from the waiting room (the front of the school where the cashier and the displays of books, merchandise and instruments for sale, and waiting cushioned seats are) down the corridor to stand outside the examination room with the friendly external officer. The external officer usually asks the student to check his/her particulars on the otherwise blank marksheet and reads the name of the examiner to the candidate and advises him/her to greet the examiner Sir/Mam. The doorbell is sounded when the examiner is ready, then the external officer gives the nod, opens the door and walks into the room, giving the examiner the marksheet with the candidate's name written, and leaves the room. The candidate greets the examiner and the exam is more or less run by the examiner, who usually is a very confident and friendly person. The practical exam usually consists of testing on the examination pieces, the scales and arpeggios, sight-reading and aural.
The violin exam is similar to the piano one, but it is slightly different in that examination pieces are accompanied by piano. In Grade 1 too, the teacher tunes the violin with the piano before the examination. Of course, the candidate is also not at the piano but at the music stand, so in a way the room is a little more cluttered. So my two teachers and I were outside with the external officer when the bell sounded and we went in. I greeted the examiner, and proceeded to tell her which pieces I was playing but she stopped me because the external officer hadn't given her the marksheet yet. The officer gave it her. The examiner told me to put my score on the music stand and I stood there while my teachers tuned the violin. The shoulder rest dropped onto the floor for some reason (I have no idea why because it had been on the violin for the past more than an hour with no problems). My first teacher left. Then the examiner told me to play the examination pieces, which I did, with the accompaniment of my second teacher.
When I first played the violin, I was shocked at the beauty of the music. Was it the tuning? It was perfect. However, I didn't play as well as I'd hoped I would. I peaked during the practice earlier. Also I was nervous, and my bow was trembling (my bow trembles usually but in the exam room it seemed more obvious). I couldn't express the piece the way I wanted to, I couldn't get into the music, and I had trouble with bringing out the dynamics. I think it was because I was unsettled, too nervous. I think I made a few mistakes with my intonation too, but I should pass on the pieces.
Violin is like piano. You aren't supposed to concentrate on the playing. You concentrate on the listening. The mind and the fingers run on their own and you sit back and listen to the beautiful music wash over you. I'd reached that level of playing in piano, but not yet (understandably so) in violin.
I should pass on the scales. I think I made a few intonation errors, though. I really really could have done better on the scales and exam pieces, given the amount of practice I'd put in earlier and the performance excellence I had reached. I could have played a lot better. But although I regret that I didn't play well enough, it was a good experience and I thank God I didn't mess everything up; it was only that I didn't play as well as I could have.
Objectively speaking, the sight-reading was difficult. There were slurs and separate bows, and great changes in dynamics. The only thing was that the notes mainly concentrated on 2 or at most 3 of the 4 strings on the violin so I didn't have to make many string changes. I should have played slower. Even when I played the scales for my teacher earlier he said I should play slower for the scales. I usually play even faster when I practise at home. I like to play fast. I really tried to play slow for the sight-reading; didn't want to go too fast, and a good thing was that I took note of the key signature, the melody and rhythm of the piece, and the dynamics. I didn't play the sight-reading as well as I had hoped (perfection), but I think it was ok. After all it's sight-reading, so I suppose a few mistakes should be condoned. Maybe after all my experiences at sight-reading the piece actually looked like a breeze for me (objectively difficult but I knew I could do it) so I was disappointed.
Aural was good. The examiner told me to put my violin and bow on an organ chair in the room and then sat down at the piano. Section A: The examiner would play the piece and I was supposed to clap the beats, joining in as soon as I can, clapping louder on a strong beat and softer on a weak beat. I was a little muddled up at first; I came in uncertain of what the beat was (I usually come in very soon because I don't want the piece to end before I come in) but soon I got a strong beating rhythm going and gave my answer: 2 time.
Section B: Echo-Singing. The examiner plays a melody, I sing what she has played; the melody is broken up into fragments so she plays a part of it and I sing that part, then she plays another part and I sing the next part. I perfected this as usual. Section C: Differences. The examiner plays two short melodies and I'm supposed to spot the differences in rhythm. This is my usually weak section. Today I said in the first instance the first note was a crotchet followed by two quavers while in the second instance the first note was a dotted crotchet followed by two semiquavers. The examiner gave me a weird look but on hindsight this seems like the correct answer even though I was a little uncertain then.
Section D: Questions on an extract. The examiner plays one extract and I answer questions on articulation and dynamics. I perfected this one. I'm not trying to sound arrogant, but objectively speaking Aural should not be a problem for me because it isn't really related to violin, it's Grade 1 level, and I've done Aural for piano up to Grade 8. Actually because of my piano background I had a lot of things going for me. Maybe I should have worked harder on my violin 'cos I didn't practise my violin often. This exam was a good experience though and although I was regretful that I didn't do better objectively judging I should hopefully pass with merit. If violin is anything like piano, the grades are as follows:
Fail: Less than 100/150
I was stoning in front of the tv today. There was a really good economics program on Channel News Asia but I fell asleep after a while, not 'cos the show was boring but 'cos I was really tired. Then I watched a little bit of Stepping Out and just now a little bit of Holland V. The relationship problems really lash out at me. In Stepping Out, one girl is taking the vow of celibacy, the guy runs up to the temple and shouts "Don't!" in the middle of the ceremony but she looks back at him, then shakes her head and asks to carry on. (Esther goes 'Why didn't you tell her your feelings for her earlier?' But then again I don't think she told him she was taking the vow and although she knew he liked her she was disillusioned at love because of what happened to her friend.) The next girl (her friend) is in a horrid marriage where she tries to be nice but her husband's depressed 'cos he's crippled and thinks she's cheating on him and hates her, burns down her shop (and their livelihood so she's struggling for money) and doesn't care about her even though she's pregnant with their child. She's respectful to him though and accepts her fate, while her friends are angry at him.
The third girl is married to a rich man but is depressed. She goes to the temple where she was brought up and is helped to escape. Her other husband and daughter wait for her. However, she meets her rich husband in the market and is escorted back to the car. The rich husband hears her daughter call out to her, asks the chauffeur to drive back into the market and speed up to knock down the little girl. The woman pleads with her rich husband and says she won't try to escape again, so the rich husband spares the girl. (Esther is indignant and horrified. The rich husband doesn't love her and thinks he can buy her over with money -later in the show when he's attacked and she can't fully get in the car he pushes the pregnant her out of the car and drives off-. Esther is angry that guys view girls only as mere possessions.)
Holland V: Jingjing is played by so many guys whom she loves. She cries 'cos she keeps getting taken advantage of by the guys she loves and until now doesn't know whether they ever loved her. She resigns herself to an arranged marriage to Ming.
Relationships relationships relationships.
This morning, an NUS Engineering lecturer was murdered during a meeting. The murderer (someone who works in the university) slashed the face of a receptionist (?) then barged into the meeting room (where a relatively high-level meeting was taking place, I assume) then slit the throat of the vice dean in the presence of 14 other lecturers.
My dad is an NUS Engineering lecturer and he's the assistant dean.
Imagine how I felt in the afternoon watching the news on Channel News Asia, seeing his car not in the driveway and hearing on the news that the identity of the murdered person had not been released. Imagine the number of calls my dad got today from his friends.
Very very very thankful that he was spared. He wasn't at the meeting. He said the girls were crying. I think no one expected it to happen: Singapore, a university and during a meeting. Think the whole engineering faculty will be shaken up after a while. Imagine your vice dean/lecturer just dead, and murdered in such a cruel way. Worse, imagine if you were the family of that lecturer, especially the wife. It wasn't even that the lecturer was bad and had enemies. The murderer was mentally unsound. How unjust. :(
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:45 p.m.
I've been quite irritated lately. But. -smile- I have not said. Not to those who've irritated me anyway. I don't want to put tension into situations, make things awkward, make people feel awkward and spoil relationships, if any.
But I really really really hate Xianwei. I wish he'd just stop disturbing me in school. I try to ignore him, to pretend I don't see or hear him (unless he's asking me a question; if he just makes a comment I don't bother to acknowledge it), or to take another route instead of walking past him. I do this so I won't be excessively provoked and then blow up at him. Today he said something to me that got me really irritated. I tried to smile. I don't want to be fake. But I might blow up at him one day if he irritates me enough.
Then my friends asked about DW. Many of my friends have been asking about him. Most people don't know anything of what's been going on, and I don't bother to tell them that something's wrong 'cos I don't want them to feel uncomfortable. I don't know why I said what I did today. They were asking about prom, and I told them I was sitting with the class, then they asked about him, and I said no I don't know about him, but while I stop there normally I continued this time and said that we're on a verge of a break up. Then I just couldn't let go of the anger; I could feel it in my voice. I really tried to cool down, and I didn't say much after that; in fact Cheryl and I joked a while. I really appreciated that she kinda patted me and comforted me and said she's still there for me. Really really appreciate it. I can't thank God enough for all my friends who've helped me through this period of time.
I said something wrong at the council table yesterday morning too (Monday morning). I said I wasn't interested in MAF. Yep. I was provoked by someone who's really really very nice and whom I appreciate lots.
I was kinda depressed today but it helps being in school. Really it does. Because when I'm in school I think about other people and I care about other people so I ask about them, I show concern over them, I talk and joke with them and I don't wallow in depression. Plus I have many good friends in school whom I appreciate a lot. The councillors form a kinda cocoon around me every morning. It helps just sitting there with them. Then there are classmates, even teachers... and I do enjoy lessons.
People have been asking about my views about my relationship and my breakup so maybe I'll answer some commonly asked questions.
1. Why is this relationship falling?
2. Do I love him?
3. Does he love me?
4. Is there a chance that he'll love me?
5. Do I want this relationship?
6. What will happen to this relationship?
7. What will I do if this relationship breaks up?
8. Will we be friends after this relationship?
Note: These are current personal speculations. I haven't met him yet because he was sick today and didn't come to school. I'm not going to school tomorrow because of my violin exam. Please pray for me (for my violin exam). I will most probably meet him on Thursday. As usual, it's up to him, timing etc.. My only requirement is that we meet after school so that we aren't seen by anyone else. These speculations may change after the meeting. The meeting doesn't promise anything. If DW wants it may just be a 1 min meeting.
9. How am I feeling?
I'm ok. =) Good night world.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:22 a.m.
I don't want to get angry. I don't want to blame them for being selfish. I'm praying for focus, on God.
But I think, they couldn't see beyond my depression. Maybe, they couldn't see the real me. And maybe because they left, they will never be able to see the real me. Which is a very big pity because I loved them and I really wanted them to know me. I think the latest one hurts especially because I really gave a lot. I'm not talking about effort, or sacrifices. I'm talking about my life - my past, present and future and my body - reserved past, present and future. I don't think anyone will ever appreciate the full idea of this. I gave myself. My full self. This latest love was so great that I gave...my all.
For that I am not angry at DW. In fact I admire him. Because in just over a year, he had me. He really had me. I don't think anyone else is capable of that.
I think DW doesn't understand the meaning of depression. But I don't blame him, because even if he walked out on me, he was, and is, and will be, the best guy I've ever seen in my entire life, one that left an impact, and a void that will never be filled. We will meet on Tuesday, day, time, duration and discussion all to be decided by him. I will wait, I will listen, and I will pray.
But I will thank the Lord, for I loved these two people, and I know that at least one of them, if not both, loved me. I thought we were made for each other. I still think we are. But it's really their choice, and by God's will. At least God is constant, and he has provided for me other friends who still love me.
Maybe I should cut down on showing my depression to those I love the most.
If f(x) = Joy, then
I thank God for a really good day today.
Today didn't start off well but by God's grace it picked up.
1. Mom opened the door of my bedroom and found me whispering to myself as I was getting ready for church. I always talk to myself - either in my head, through whispers, or through normally audible speech. My mom discreetly closed the door without saying anything but although I was grateful and appreciative, I still felt uncomfortable and that my privacy was being intruded. I hope I didn't upset her by telling her that I felt that my privacy was being intruded. This signifies a low point because I was whispering in anger about the usual problems.
2. I teared in church. It got so bad I closed my eyes hoping no one would see the tears. I wonder if anyone saw my face then. I needed comfort and encouragement again today after the rough week. Then the choir presented the song "Softly and Tenderly" - 'Come home...come home...come home...come home...earnestly tenderly Jesus is calling, calling O sinner come home.' Although this is the first time I've listened to this tune, I will remember it. I thank God for each Sunday, for promised and never-failing comfort.
3. Veronica's teaching Sunday School now that Lily's on a break (giving birth + maternity leave). Uncle GL might be teaching too; Veronica says that having a male teacher will put a different perspective in view, but while I am comfortable with that, I may not feel comfortable sharing. This will not be a big problem though because I don't really like talking about my problems nowadays; in fact I didn't even share today (I wasn't asked to anyway). We're starting on Genesis (again). I was a little annoyed that Veronica was repeating lessons, overinterpreting the Bible and getting a little too didactic and pushy for my liking but I appreciate her general concern for everyone and her effort, and what she has learnt from the Bible.
4. I managed to have lunch before violin lesson thank God. Violin lesson was very tiring 'cos we did a lot of practice and somehow my shoulders and arms were not relaxed today. I hurt my wrist as a result, but now it's recovered (really thank God for this 'cos my violin exam is on Wed - please pray for me). We did basic exercises and I kept the smile on my face even though I was tired; in the end we did accomplish quite a bit. I must thank my violin teacher for extending the lesson time too 'cos he didn't have another student directly after my lesson.
5. Supposed to meet Jevon from about 4-4.30p.m. to 5.30p.m. at Jurong East MRT Station then go to Starbucks Coffee at IMM to study and chat. I decided to go there earlier to study though 'cos Jurong Entertainment Centre didn't have unoccupied stone tables. I spent about 1h shopping and managed to buy ge's birthday present. It was a beautifully exquisite tin cylinder, tall and blue. The artist is Raymond Peynet, a love artist, and the picture is of a man holding a woman sitting on a swing of twining vines underneath a fish. Little flying fish around. Light clouds in a blue starry sky, castles on the cliffs and a ship with its sails. French words. I was uncomfortable about the love bit, but the tin was so beautiful and I chose it because of the blue, and because my ge likes fish. There were so many Raymond Peynet things - thick notebooks, memo pads, post-its, letter writing paper, tins in different shapes and sizes, with different pictures.
[I remember coming to IMM with DW before and walking around but I can't remember why.]
6. I decided to get DW a tin too. An exact same one. Simply because it was so beautiful and I wanted the best. Then I decided to get a Peynet letter-writing set too, a blue one to match, and because it was the loveliest. On my way out I saw a cd cover, and I remembered that I'd wanted to get a cd cover for DW so I could return all his cds. Xin Yi said I should just give him his cds in a plastic bag. Why am I doing this? I chose the nicest cd cover there, one with a beautiful naturally beige fabric and leather border. On the way downstairs I suddenly wanted to add a rose in the tin. I decided to do it later so the rose would be fresher.
7. I bought an Expresso Frappuccino 'cos it's going for $3.80 only. I'd wanted a Caramel Coffee Jelly Frapp but it wasn't on offer so I didn't take it. The mudcake looked delicious. In fact, the Starbucks desserts look really good. I did Maths until Jevon came at 5p.m.. (By that time the mudpie was sold out so I got a Double Chocolate Brownie.)
8. I'm a little afraid of Jevon. In fact, I'm afraid of all guys. Because I'm not for them, because I'm only for one guy. I'm paranoid. I try to keep a distance. Plus I don't want to talk about my relationship which is something major in my life now. I told him that DW left 'cos I was a witch. Which is true actually. But I really had a good time with Jevon today. I was my usual crazy enthusiastic bouncy self (maybe DW's too intelligent for that, I don't know). He shared his music with me, we laughed, we chatted and we helped each other with Maths. We only had just a little over 1h to do everything 'cos he wanted to go for Sunset Gospel Hour.
9. Before we left, I went to get the rose for DW. The florists were really pleasant. I told the man I was getting a rose for my bf and to choose the biggest and best red rose. He picked one, then the Malay woman (there was another Chinese woman) came over and both of them looked at my tin and tried to make it the best gift it could be. The woman plucked a few petals from the rose, which made the rose look very small. But she dropped the petals into the tin. The man told me to put water in the tin but I said no, I wanted it dry. The woman plucked more petals out of more roses and dropped them in the tin. The man had cut the rose earlier according to the height of the tin, I think, but the woman said she'd get me a straighter rose so she got another one and cut it. The man got the scotch tape and the woman added a few extra accompanying flowers free-of-charge. I was so grateful for their effort. I was happy.
10. Jevon and I walked all the way back to the bus interchange. Along the way, the cars were rushing past, but I did make a move to cross the road anyway, much to Jevon's shock. Can remember when DW used to pull me back. Anyway we got to the bus interchange, and walked along the trail under a lovely golden sunset...It was beautiful. I wish he was here today. Along the way we talked... then Jevon boarded the bus.
[Hey I don't want to make it seem like I'm obsessing over DW and ignoring my friends in the meantime. I do think a lot (you should see DW's timetable go parallel in my head during school time e.g. ok, now's Maths lec, DW's having F. Maths now, or now's Econs, DW's having GP; actually it's amazing how much I can remember when I think of it) but I do appreciate my friends, and well, as usual, most of what I think never gets communicated when it's thought anyway.]
11. I waited for my bus for a while, then thought of the gifts in the bag, and I decided to go to Popular instead to get fabric paint. I got 5 tubes of fabric paint. Then I came home really happy and showed my mom what I had bought, including the rose in the tin.
12. Dad started railing at bro again during dinner. I wanted to show him the f(x) = Joy that came to me at inspiration but I didn't. Bro was about to cry. His eyes were red. Then the phone rang, I answered, and it was for my dad. Soon, another shouting session began; apparently my dad was riled up due to some church problems. It was amazing how my dad still smiled at me even in his anger. My brother went upstairs.
13. We went upstairs after my mom had finished clearing the dishes and I'd finished my food (yes, I finished my food after she cleared), dad still on the cordless phone. Bro was in his room crying, said he wanted to commit suicide, mom talking to him. Still wanted to show dad the f(x) thing but he was on the phone so I went to my room. Dad came out after his call, yelled at bro then went back in. I went into my parents' room to show them the f(x) thing. My original f(x) was = sinx + c but dad discussed it with me and changed it to f(x) = xsint + c. My parents asked me to talk to my bro.
14. Bro's personality is the opposite of mine. In fact, Bro's very like De Wen. Yep. The two guys I love most in the world. Bro often thinks people are against him and fears being taken advantage of. He loves me and doesn't want me to be taken advantage of by others. I'm an easygoing person.
15. Why does De Wen only respond to the latter part of my smses? It's like I have 3 suggestions. He doesn't answer the first two and he says no to the third. Sometimes he asks me for permission to carry out an alternative suggestion instead of the third, but I know it's not asking for permission. It's just politeness. But I'm on the losing end because I have no choice. The guy doesn't want me, what can I do?
16. I was very hesitant about talking to my bro. I thought he'd chase me away. But I went to his room anyway, hesitantly patted his head, sat down next to him and asked him what was wrong. Surprisingly, he didn't chase me away, and he cried and told me what was wrong. I didn't know what to say, but I tried to help and eventually we worked out a study timetable for the both of us so we'd help each other to work hard for the exams. I decorated the timetable with purple and pink marker and drew smiley faces and added a duck (of all animals) and nonsense fillers. Then I brought the gifts to my bro's room and showed him the lovely tins and all. Spent a lot of money today alone but it was worth it, and I have savings anyway 'cos...well...I haven't been going out with someone for three weeks.
17. Then I decorated the cd holder using fabric paint. Bro was really helpful - we worked on the colours together, and he gave me suggestions on the drawings. Now my duck looks better. The cd holder's really decorated nicely, especially the 'dewEn' right at the top. That's in green, the duck's in yellow, the eye, beak and legs/feet in orange, the 'estheR' below in pink and a small kitten below the duck in purple. Bro said purple was awful but a drop of yellow from the duck spilt and I was so perfectionistic I had to draw something to cover up the spot. Bro doesn't like the purple and he didn't know why the duck was DW and the kitten me but I told him DW would know when he saw it. That's the cover, and on the margin another 'dewEn' is written really big and decorated, 'd' in green, 'e' in yellow, 'w' in purple, 'E' (yep, capital 'E') in orange and 'n' in pink. In fact when I wrote the 'estheR' my bro gave a suggestion about the way it was written too but I didn't follow it 'cos that 'estheR' has to be written in that particular way. I love this cd holder design so much I showed it to my parents. Tomorrow I'm going to show it to my friends.
18. I don't know what to say about my relationship. I don't know what to feel. Finally the relationship expert/marriage counsellor/heartbreaker/bitch has fallen and been broken down. One part thought it was my fault, but another questioned what I would do instead. I blew this whole thing up, I know, but this is my blog, and I'm a writer. I think it's because I didn't strive to please God always so I made many mistakes, and I forgot my place. I forgot that I believe that woman is always subservient to man (it doesn't mean they can't be leaders in the workforce, I'm talking about private relationships). I firmly believe that a woman always serves the man, which I've been striving more and more along the way, but which I haven't been always successful at doing. When you have someone you trust so much like DW, I think you tend to just let yourself go and forget your place. And then you can't blame the guy for getting angry. Romance level is low 'cos passion is inappropriate. Numbness is suitable. I'm confused. In my letter to DW, I'm not going to call him back. I've called him back twice already since he requested a breakup (twice) and 5 times (because I stupidly asked for a breakup 3 times before that). With God's grace I will comfort and encourage him with godly words, as a friend, or rather, whatever he takes me for. And if he says he can't have me anymore on Tuesday, I am ready to let go...
I guess I just have to accept that sometimes you love not in return. And it hurts, but you remember that God still loves, and other people still care, then you don't cry, and you walk bravely on.
19. It's past 1 now. I don't know where my things are and haven't done my homework. I will wake up later today to finish the presents and some work (hopefully) and pack my bag. I want to sleep.
20. I remember having a great time with my brother today, and we even listened to music together, and he downloaded American Idol songs for me 'cos I wanted them. We watched the music video of 'Let the music heal your soul' which is really great except that boybands seem to have the same irritatingly familiar moves (spreading their arms out, beating their hearts with their fists)...
PS: I'm glad Prisca came home safely.
Good night world. May God's peace be with you.
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