Always here.

Thursday, August 29, 2002 01:35 p.m.

Story

To my dearest De Wen

She leapt into sprint, racing into routine, muscles and joints warm and alive, working well.

He sat and thought of complex numbers, greek symbols and coded puzzles lighting up in the darkness of the unknown.

She breathed unweathered paths, gazed at things they couldn't see, heard things they couldn't hear, inhaled the scent of things they couldn't smell, brushed fingers lightly against things they couldn't touch, sensed the texture of things they couldn't taste.

He received the answer with gladness and satisfaction, got up and dribbled round bouncy objects into distant space and through hoops, feeling one with the ball, heart thumping with excitement, mind racing from ground to sky to ground again.

She laughed, a song ringing out into the night, and all the stars shed their silvery tears as she took the world's hurt upon herself and banished pain and suffering into the clear sky, a warrior triumphing over evil's grip.

He laughed, the usual things boys laughed about, enjoying friendship and memories of better days.

She found the eagle and it soared, disappearing up icy mountains and warm rolling lands, wings scaling the sky, rising with the windows of the morning, sun, stars shining glittering light on fresh strong feathers spread in magnificence.

He spread his fingers, white thread shooting out of his wrist, fastened securely to buildings and monuments, and swung, body moving through the swept sky with practised agility, wind whipping his face with a force as powerful as the strength of his love.

He loved her.

She loved him.

He loved her with a deep love, such as that which flows from a wellspring, fountain gushing streams and channels of never-ending passion, rivulets spreading in directions of infinity.

She loved him, relied on him, put him on a pedestal and confessed her deepest secrets, heart pouring out expressions of affection, soul touched with songs of morning delight, mind knowing that life was fulfilling.

He walked and she followed, hand in his, and they walked down the storm-beaten beach after the trickling drops of shimmering rain had dispersed, disappearing into a world formed in their hearts, a world where only they existed and they alone could enter or leave, a world where God blessed, a world where the only language was love.

Thursday, August 29, 2002 01:33 p.m.

I didn't want to add the following two entries in at first because I wanted some privacy for your sake but I needed a record.

Thursday, August 29, 2002 01:25 p.m.

I'm in the school library now using the library computer. It's fast and good but I can type really loudly and the computer doesn't store my personal files as well. The layout still doesn't show properly. I probably have to settle it tonight.

Today was a pretty good day although it started off pretty badly. Early this morning I'd intended to sleep for about 20 minutes only but somehow my alarm clock didn't ring and my maid woke up late too despite me telling her earlier to wake me up early. As I had no time and was fearing even being late for school I had to dump all the school material I could find into my bag and leave. Thank God the bus was extremely fast today. I was mainly studying my Econs on the bus so I didn't get to listen to Josh Groban.

I wasn't in a very good mood in the morning so I refused to eat breakfast. Mr. Yeow didn't come for assembly. He's been quite sick lately. There's been some problem with our class in terms of discipline record though. Perhaps we may get someone from the disciplinary committee to be our civics tutor next year. Wan Fang confided something in me this morning, something related to me. Somehow I don't really care anymore about how people relate to me. I was noticeably moody this morning because I just wanted to be left alone. During P.E. I didn't talk unless I was talked to and I kept to myself studying my Geography and then my Econs. I didn't bother reporting for P.E. which was good because the teacher didn't come anyway so it saved my classmates the effort of telling the teacher about me. -bitterness- Anyway I went to the Lecture Theatre (the next venue: Geography) early to study by myself.

Somehow the Lord impressed something upon me and I started writing a poem. It was strange the way I could just write a poem which was for once Christian, filled with love and kindness, with no element of death or violence at all. I dedicated it to De Wen and left it in the locker. The Econs self-study that followed was productive, and I actually manage to satisfy my hunger later with a fish sandwich and a nice cup of coffee. The coffee from the vending machine is really good.

Geography was interesting but I was writing and doodling on my paper. I think multi-tasking is a really good idea, even though I do miss out a bit on what the lecturer is saying. After the lecture I went to my locker and found that the letter for De Wen had been taken away and a letter for me put in its place. Wow.

It was break. I'd studied for the Map-Reading test during P.E. and Geog so I decided to take it during break. I could have actually taken the test later this week but I decided it would be better to get some things over and done with. I went to look for my teacher during break and did the test in quite short time. I think it was perfect, something to rejoice about, because it's counted for our Promos.

Wan Fang and Stephanie had told me that Econs Tutorial 2 was due today, and I hadn't done it yet, so I rushed it during the rest of break with Josh Groban blaring into my ears. I even sang along at some parts as well, and felt good. Truly I love solitude.

Unfortunately I don't keep a timetable on hand so I had no idea where the tutorial was being held. After looking for it for a while, I met De Wen, who talked to me about the SAT test. Funny how I couldn't be bothered to sign up, but I did anyway, though we took so long with the registration that I missed Econs tutorial and more than one period of Geography tutorial. I thank God for sending De Wen, who encouraged me to register, and Gail, who lent me to pay for the registration. De Wen and I are taking our tests at SMU October 12th. I'd had to skip the lessons because the SAT registration closed at 4.30p.m., my dismissal time. I was grateful to have someone to register with as the whole process was a little confusing. De Wen didn't feel good though and hasn't been feeling good lately. I hope he's ok now. I was not comfortable with skipping 3 periods of lessons (I decided not to go for Geography after half of the lesson had passed) but I thank God for giving me a 3 period break. I prefer self-study most of the time, when I'm productive, and I managed to study more of my Econs. Somehow even this morning's extra rest was welcoming, because I woke up with enough strength and energy, although because of the interruption of my plans this morning I'd been quite upset and had to force myself to come to school.

I'd seen my Econs teacher during my Geography period to inform her why I'd been absent from her lesson. I wasn't afraid that I'd get a CS because I knew she was reasonable and I did have a relatively good reputation, and I knew anyway that if I ever got a CS for something I felt was unreasonable I would argue my way out of it. I was quite shocked when I saw De Wen's name on the CS list today, and felt humiliation for his sake, especially since he didn't even know he was down for CS until I told him, but he said he would just accept the fact and go for the CS session because he didn't feel like arguing. On one hand I can sense something wrong and trying to understand but on the other I can't take it that he's just doing himself in for something he wasn't exactly wrong about. He's always comforted me when I felt I wasn't doing enough, and now it was funny that I was comforting him, and saying he should oppose the CS. Somehow I felt angrily elitist. Perhaps the entire school population might not care about this whole CS system but as a councillor I have to worry about my record because a CS session could leave a bad mark on my council record. Besides, going for a CS session would waste a lot of time. De Wen usually gets off at 2.15p.m. on Wednesday, and somehow I felt he didn't appreciate the free time he got when I would still be in school until past 7.

I'd arranged to take my Econs test after school today, even though I wasn't fully prepared, because I did know most of the facts and I just wanted the test to be over and done with. During lecture though, the teacher said that those who'd missed the test would be taking it on Wednesday. The test ends at 3, which will probably be around the time council starts, so I should apply for leave. I was glad that the test was postponed, leaving me more time to study. Besides, I had one afternoon free for council business (Ramnik had contacted me to help her with the council website after school). The most blessed thing was that the test question would not be the same as that my friends' had answered so I didn't feel the need to write essay outlines for the 6 questions, but could just study straight from the notes, something I've relatively finished, and just need to re-revise so I'll do well in the test. I'm grateful they're giving us this test, because as my Econs teacher said, it's a back-up so in case we don't do well in our Promos we have something to fall back on.

We ended Econs just a bit earlier than the bell and the teacher wasn't in the class yet so Si Jia, Stephanie and I decided to go to the canteen to grab a bite. I hadn't taken lunch, so I decided to eat something. I really appreciate Si Jia. When Xue Ling cracked a joke about not going to class because I was there, Si Jia told me Xue Ling was joking. Actually I'd not minded the joke, and laughed at it, but I appreciated Si Jia's sensitivity. Later, she actually waited for me to buy my fish burger (together with Stephanie) and after a while in the canteen, when Stephanie and Si Jia had gone ahead up to the CS notice board (I'd kept my fish burger and followed them) when I asked Si Jia if we could go back down to the canteen she said ok, and when it hit her that I couldn't eat outside the canteen and why, she actually apologised although it wasn't her fault. I just appreciate the fact that she doesn't judge. I don't see anything wrong with eating. Frankly, my senior councillors bring ice-cream all the way to the central plaza when we're doing work session. But there's an image involved as a councillor, and whether I agree with a rule or not I have to follow it. I was touched that Si Jia viewed me as a friend, not as a councillor (she forgot I couldn't eat outside the canteen) and later when it hit her she actually apologised and told me that the most important thing is I should do what I feel is right. Perhaps people may think this is making a mountain out of a molehill but I have been feeling persecuted doing the right thing lately, and God has sent a lot of Bible verses my way to speak to me and comfort me, and this was another blessing. It's amazing. I may not know much about Si Jia, just like I don't know much about Alanna, but both of them are close to me and I love them both.

We were a little late for Prac Crit (about 10 minutes late when we got to the class) but it seemed like we were way later so we rushed a bit and I ran a bit even though I had a bad foot, chewing up the food in my mouth. I think some people saw, and I hope I didn't ruin my image. I really had to compromise, and the food was already in my mouth. We did an essay during Prac Crit, some analysis which I enjoyed doing. I love writing essays. My left hand was warm, red and painful from the exertion, and I finished writing 4 full pages about 20 minutes early so I was quite proud of myself, thank God. I looked around me. I had the feeling lucius wrote a lot, somehow, but she was sitting in front so I didn't see anything. When I casually saw the other people and what they had written I felt even better because even though my handwriting may be way bigger than theirs I did seem to write way more. Of course, quality is better than quantity, and I didn't manage to touch on one point, but I still believe I did a pretty good essay. Not the best one, but still good.

I felt great after school, the feeling I get when I step into the afternoon sunshine feeling that another school day was over, at least the school aspect of it. I remember I used to think 4.25p.m. was really late, but now it's become the earliest time I get let off school, and I feel really happy when I have nothing urgent to do then.

De Wen was playing the guitar when I saw him, but he decided not to play for me this time. I went to the council room, talked with Aishu and Yexiang, settled council work here and there (PubCo, OHCO), even had a briefing with the teacher-in-charge and my com chair. Funny council is a totally refreshing experience. It gave me some thrill to just enter a room (the council room) and be bombarded with activity and work. I felt bad about putting De Wen down (I have a tongue dripping with sarcasm, which was actually why I felt I related to my GP tutor), and making him wait as I bustled about council, but in the end we still managed to smile a lot. It's funny how I can pull a long face throughout the day and smile the moment I see him. It's an automatic thing. There are only two other people who can make me smile in spite of my unhappiness, namely my brother and Xin Yi.

I'd supposed to hang out with Aishu at the canteen (she wanted my company) and do the council website with Ramnik but it turns out I did neither. Ramnik was a little shocked when she realised my earliest day was 4.25p.m. and we're having council every day after school for the rest of the week so there isn't much time to do the council website. But Yexiang has done the TD website (Yexiang is one really focused and dedicated person) so the council website will be put up soon. Ramnik and I are doing MAF. Aishu went home after awhile, but I don't know where Ramnik is and I don't have the habit of calling people because they know that if they need me they can call me, so I've just been typing this blog for the longest time yet.

I hope I'll be able to do some work tonight. I want to stay up late again but tomorrow will be really busy, what with General Meeting and Photo Session after that. I'll probably go home at around 9-10. It won't be a good idea also because I end school at 5.05p.m., just a few minutes before GM so I need to know how to settle my dinner. I've been keeping up my healthy plan (even bought a bottle of mineral water today), and eating fish burgers (ate 2 because I felt everything else was unhealthy). I should import some salads into school soon. What I mean by healthy is typical Coffee Bean, Venezia stuff, not hawker food, so, yes.

I'm in quite a financial crisis especially since I spent on Sunday alone. Still, it helps I'm on this healthy plan. I refrained from buying sweets today and I'm not drinking my grass jelly but coffee instead. Now I think I might just go have another coffee before I wait for De Wen to go out.

Hope your days were great. I'll be back to tweak the layout a little tonight (or the wee hours of tomorrow morning?) but I still have to settle some homework.

Monday, August 26, 2002 05:29 p.m.

The new layout is up! Unfortunately I'm unable to view it because the server has some problem.

Yes you wonder why I'm up so late. I haven't got a wink of sleep yet as I've spent the whole morning working on this. I will sleep for about 20 minutes before I start studying for my Economics.

My foot is hurting so I won't be taking P.E. tomorrow. Let's hope my classmates will understand and tell the teacher my condition for me. I don't want to go all the way to report for P.E. when I don't have to especially since it will waste a lot of valuable time.

I might as well just work all the way until morning but I was feeling a little tired just now. I think I will drink coffee instead of the usual milo tomorrow morning for breakfast.

Today will be a busy day despite there not being council. De Wen wants to play the guitar for me at 4.25p.m. when I'm let off. After that I'll (hopefully) study while I wait for him to end Physics Olympiad before going together to Beauty World to get some clothes. Coincidentally we both need some. Perhaps then I'll go to my music school to retrieve my music book.

Have a great week ahead!

Monday, August 26, 2002 04:39 a.m.

'I saw you the other day with this NJ girl. You looked happy.'

These were Rachel's words as I talked to her today in church. It was amazing how God tried to reach me today, pleading with me to focus on Him. The weekly had two articles featuring Ecclesiastes 12:1 - "Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, while the evil days come not, nor the years draw nigh, when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them" and the sermon was a much needed one on peace: Jehovah Shalom (He Who Is Peace). Sunday School came with the familiar story of Daniel in the den of lions, persecution for doing right, apt in my recent struggle with my class. Verses have been gently comforting and encouraging me lately from church and Left Behind: The Kids Book 18, the book which I recently finished. I hope to enjoy reading another two books of Christian Literature which I borrowed from the community library today, books telling the story of Ruth and Rahab.

I enjoyed prayer and solitude today. The piano-playing went well despite only playing the piece twice before the actual playing. In a bid to rid my face of all the nasty spots that have been accumulating perhaps due to stress I did not allow myself coke or junk food. Lunch was Venezia's Meal F: walnut/multigrain bread, butter, ham, scrambled egg, orange juice and coffee. I bought Seventeen for the free Dove facial foam, and a stack of nice coloured construction paper for artwork. I love craft. During violin lesson (She's the girl who doesn't have time to practise) I met my new teacher, Joe. He seems like a really nice and helpful person but there was the usual awkwardness of strangers. After a good violin lesson, I handed my teacher an envelope containing a Teachers' Day cum Thank You (farewell) card. I had spent the afternoon between lunch and violin talking to Xin Yi on the telephone and making the whole craft package for my violin teacher. The result was very satisfying and I decided to make the same envelopes and cards for Teachers' Day even though that will take quite a bit of time. I'm also thinking of making crafts for my friends. As the last lesson with my violin teacher ended, he told me not to give up violin and to contact him if I needed him, and I had to try to keep the tears from falling as I walked out of the school without looking back. It's amazing how people can form such close bonds in 4 months.

I decided to engage in my usual practice and eat and read after violin. This time I didn't eat at LJS though. I went to Delifrance and ordered an Apple Tart and a single shot espresso. I'd thought that espresso was some sort of coffee. It was but it came bitter in one small little cup. I drank it all though and finished up my tart, engrossed in the story of Ruth. On the way home I received a message that I'd left my violin book in school so I returned to the school but I found that it was already closed. Oh well.

I managed to finish the PubCo minutes with what was left of the afternoon/evening before/after dinner (I'd chosen sushi or salad at first but due to their unavailability I had to settle for Lao Shu Fen, my next healthy alternative), and spent a little more than an hour talking to De Wen on the telephone. I've been working on my layout mainly. I think I've decided on a few changes to my blog.

I know you say I should not be affected by other people but yes I was, and I decided a few things today. I'm going to stop running (continue with that plan) and stop smiling or laughing excessively in class. I will retreat to a former plan to lay low. I did feel like crying when I confided in De Wen the things that made me sad but he comforted me with the things of God. I should refocus my life on God. There is a selfish desire in me to refocus on God because I fear he will bring me down from my peak (maybe the Promos). Although my results for Prelims and O levels were probably very good in the eyes of many people, they were actually below expectations and disappointing. I don't want the same thing to happen again.

I dreamed a very weird dream last night which I attribute to be something to do with De Wen. I dreamed I was in Maths tutorial only my Sec. 4 Maths teacher was walking around the class checking our tutorials. No one seemed to have done them but for once I had them all done and she said, 'Well done, Esther'. Then she talked about the Singapore Mathematical Olympiad and how F. Maths students were given top priority.

I have a layout to do and my Economics and Geography to study. It's 1.30a.m. in the morning. Take care all.

Monday, August 26, 2002 12:58 a.m.

Can someone explain this verse please?

Ec 12:1 -> "Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, while the evil days come not, nor the years draw nigh, when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them;"

I think it means that we should remember and hold on to God, have our foundations secure right from the start, before the world sets in and hardens our hearts against him as we grow older. But I don't understand the last part. Does 'I have no pleasure in them' mean that since I gain no happiness as I grow older and the 'evil days come' I need to rely on God?

Saturday, August 24, 2002 11:23 p.m.

Even if everyone isn't sick of my grumbling I am.

I'm sorry.

Praise the Lord for sending Psalm 37. I will read it soon and study more of it and perhaps surf more of Heartlight. I will pray again. Thank God for being gracious and not dealing with me after my sins but sending me comfort instead.

Pray for me.

Saturday, August 24, 2002 11:18 p.m.

I was hurt by Xin Yi's refusal to go out tomorrow. Somehow she placed homework before that short 2 hour thing where we could talk about our sorrows. That seemed almost sacred. I guess it could be a good thing though. I'm not going for choir so I have a while to do whatever I want to do, maybe prepare a Teachers' Day cum farewell present for my violin teacher who is sadly making way for a new violin teacher, and perhaps start on the undone homework. I need to study for Econs though, a test I have been putting off, something which is really not fair to the rest of the people who've slaved on the test, but which is something which I frankly can't care about.

I refused to go for my cousin's birthday party tomorrow. I don't want to see my relatives. I don't want to have anything to do with anyone. I'm probably going to A&W after church to read and eat and drink (even though the meal is really quite expensive) and then go home to do my stuff. Sigh...tomorrow is Open Sunday, which means I won't get to share my problems with my Sunday School class, but will be mixed up with another group, and feel like I've to act like a nice church-going kid and give standard answers. I seldom do though. I guess that's why I like GP so much. Am I making sense though?

HELP.

Saturday, August 24, 2002 11:01 p.m.

I didn't go for council today. The usual.

I've been feeling poorly lately. Today I huddled up in bed or in front of the computer most of the time, cooped up in my room and did my own things. Locked my door and threw a temper whenever people tried to get in. I hated the constant ringing of the telephone of calls for my maid. I hated the fact that for once I was free an entire Saturday afternoon and wasted it all by not doing a single ounce of work. True I blame council for all the undone work but did I actually consider that when I'm given the opportunity I don't do any work?

I did manage to finish I Carried You On Eagles' Wings and read Left Behind: The Kids Book 18. I would have practised my violin but the violin was out-of-tune and I was unable to tune it properly. I did play the piano though and found that today I played with no emotion whatsoever. My fingers routinely moved on the piano with practised skill but while the notes were accurate there was no heart in all the love songs that I played.

I was in a very bad mood today, angry at my dad, angry at my mother, angry at myself for being angry at everyone else. I refused to go out, and when I had to go out because I rarely spent time with my parents anyway I sulked in the car after being angry at my dad. Later in the car, my dad was talking about scholars, saying that it was extremely unfair the better way they were being treated, and my mother was giving him another side to the argument. My brother declared everyone didn't like the PRCs in his school (ACSI). I was still in my sulking mood, and kept mostly silent but later I asked in a sulky tone whether it was worth it applying for scholarships. The reason I was asking this was I was eligible for a few scholarships but I refrained from applying because I didn't think I would get it considering the numerous other people in the school who were eligible. My dad said I should just apply because it was a good learning experience and if I got a scholarship, it would give me an added opportunity to get further scholarships, while if I didn't, it would give me an opportunity to make mistakes (for the experience) so I wouldn't make a mistake in interviews etc. when the time came to apply for a more important scholarship. Later, I asked why I didn't apply for Humanities Programme, and my dad asked me why, and I said they didn't encourage me too, then my mother retorted that it was all her mistake, and I could scarcely keep the tears from falling. You know why I feel resentful at the Humanities Programme people? Because they get long breaks, because they end school way earlier than I do, and because they are guaranteed 'S' papers and Oxbridge admissions. Don't mistake me, I have a lot of friends in the programme. I don't hate them, not personally. I just hate the programme and the division...and the fact that Science students think that Arts people get let off early when I DON'T.

Sigh...bitching again. I'm just fed up and upset. Today I was alternating between various opinions. Did I realise that I was the one who ran for council? That it was my choice? That I eventually got what I wanted? Yes. I was given the opportunity to make my JC life more active, to contribute to the school, and to get away from home. But what have I given up? And look at me. I'm in a wretched state. Every day I gripe about school and council, I feel helpless, I break down, I start hiding in bed crying, I starve myself, I think of suicide. And the worse thing is now council has isolated me from my classmates. True, some councillors are successful. But I'm not. Why? I don't know why. I don't even know if I want to know why.

I actually missed council today. Ailin sent me a nice message via sms that really cheered me up, telling me she cared. Later I asked about what they were doing, and when she told me, I felt I really missed it. I actually missed hoisting lights and lanterns. I missed my friends. Plunged into days with no council, days when I actually see the daylight, I find myself helpless and confused, and I don't do much. What did I do on Friday and Saturday? Nothing but sleep.

But I missed a free Saturday. I actually missed just stoning and doing nothing. Even if I had to resort to skipping school. My parents were more than happy to allow me to skip council today because I went totally mad. I complained that council was totally crazy, that we were forced to stay until 9+, that we worked 12 hours every Saturday, that we had to report at 9.15a.m. which was already considered later than usual because we'd be staying much later, that we had to have dance session and then spend the rest of the day in the hot sun, as if I wasn't already sick and tired. I know a few councillors are braver than me, coming for council even though they're sick and tired and putting in their best. I admire them.

It still hurts...the time... Mr. Yeow said council is a great experience for me to manage my time, that I can actually have fun. Well, yes, I guess I do, but not at the expense of my health. My parents were just talking to me about things in general, choices, the sudden plunge into JC, and although I was resentful, I did agree with them in my heart that I was sacrificing a lot of things for the things that mattered most, especially my health. I can't go on crying every day and starving, then bingeing, then starving, then bingeing, then go without long periods of sleep, then collapse and sleep for long periods etc. etc.

Today I saw the unhappiness. I saw my parents were unhappy that I'd been spending time away from them. I felt their pain as they watched my brother and I grow colder and more distant, I cringe as I scream at them and they say nothing. Today my mother talked about her death and I felt pained. What have I been working towards that I've been neglecting the people who mean too much to me?

I was feeling immensely bitchy. As I walked into each store, I criticised everything, clothes, radios, even the service of the staff. I just went mad, I felt mad, and my voice was hoarse as I screamed each word aloud. I couldn't wait until I got home. And as I saw the night draw, I visualised the spectacular grand light-up of the MAF sky that my fellow councillors were seeing, and I felt...sad.

I played the piano dutifully, practised the piece which my dad needs to sing for tomorrow again. Without emotion again, but my skill has improved, I think. There were hardly any mistakes with sight-reading, and I threw in another song for good measure.

I listened to Josh Groban again (like I have many times today - the cd's been on repeat) with my parents this time. They turned the volume really softly. I guess I just wanted to share this with them. I could hardly keep from crying when they refused at first.

I thought of things when I went out. I thought of council, the cuts on my arms I'd got during work sessions, my injured hand, my injured foot, numerous trivial things. I shared information about the work experience programme that Xin Yi's signing up for and that I might be interested in signing up for (even though I was worried I wouldn't be allowed to because of council commitments) and my mother had to go voice out my inner worry, to which I suddenly went mad, provoked, and yelled at her right there and then in the carpark of council. Somehow I hated council for taking away everything, but as much as I hated it I also loved it. I don't know. I'm confused.

Then I hated JC for what it did to people, for what it did to my friends. I hurt for Gail, for Xin Yi, for numerous other people affected by this cruel system. I hated the competitiveness of Singapore, I hated the scholars. I hated everything.

The tears cloud my vision again and again but no one will ever see. I will cry alone 5 times a day in my room, until one day the tension becomes too much for me and I start flailing my arms and running madly in school, breaking free from invisible chains, and right there and then everyone will know that the situation has become impossible to right. And I bet my classmates will look at me then and say, "See, I told you she was weird."

Saturday, August 24, 2002 10:17 p.m.

Friday was a great day. I love Fridays in general because they are relatively slack. I managed to do my Maths tutorial during Lit lecture and Project Work (I managed to pay reasonable attention to everything though) so I could eat during recess. Ms. Lim got me laughing during Lit. lecture and later during Project Work I saw her sitting in a classroom and she waved at me, so I gave her this cheesy smile. My stomach was growling and Wan Fang was laughing uncontrollably during Reading Period at me.

GP tutor was acting really weirdly during GP. I asked her a question and she didn't answer but just moved back to the front of the classroom and ignored me, then she ignored me. I think she doesn't want to think about me or other miserable things. Maths was great because I did my work and asked questions like I used to. Lit tutorial was CANCELLED (!) so we moved Chinese up and ended at 3.40p.m.! I was upset at myself because I spent the entire Chinese period talking and not paying attention like I normally do. Besides I was also laughing quite uncontrollably because lucius and I were discussing how the teacher looked like E.T. and how certain NY teachers looked like certain characters.

I was upset because it seems that choir is now in need of people and their relaxing their requirements. Sigh...my dream CCA. I wouldn't be in all my depression now if not for the fact I didn't get into choir, been forced to consider other options, and disobeyed my parents in running for council. I feel like quitting it so much and people are encouraging me to quit. Still, I wouldn't. I just wouldn't. But every day I'm confused. Some days I say council is great. But some days I really hate my existence in it. If I'd never got in, I wouldn't have had to worry about whether it's great or not. But what makes me think I'd be happy in choir? Because it's not every day of the week? Because my weekends and holidays are not taken up by it? There...I've answered my question. And I've to deal with the paranoia of knowing that there are so many people watching me and judging me.

I went out with Xin Yi because it happens she was going to Coffee Bean and we talked of things. Halfway during our coffee and cakes she started crying as she talked about problems with her friends. Xin Yi is someone whom I know as sunny, optimistic, and affectionate, someone who's loyal, faithful, who would go the mile for me, and whom I would go the mile for. It pained me to see her crying, and in view of my recent situation at school I was angry at the people that had caused her pain. It's amazing how people can go out of their way to be nice and the recipient of kindness just shrugs them off and repay them by taking away what they believed in and what was rightfully theirs.

She sounded sick after and we went home on the bus together, she giving up on Maths remedial. Somehow I thought of the past and realised that I'd been defiled. Only then I realised the seriousness of things. I went home to act out a scene like I always do, and I realised that even my imagination had become more violent. Later I got tired and decided to starve myself and not eat dinner. I thought of things for a long time before sleeping at 7.30p.m..

I woke up early in the morning, pushed myself to blog and went back to sleep. Now I'm feeling weird. On one hand it's such a beautiful free day and yet I don't feel like doing any work. I don't want to waste it but I've been stoning. Read a while, cried, listened to Josh Groban over and over again, finished blogging, and am thinking of starting on my new layout because the 26th is Monday and I feel a little short of time. The next week will be very busy - an entire week of council except for Monday, so I'll probably be interviewing the doctor on Monday for Aspironews. It's weird he never replied to my page though. I think I need to page him again.

I bought my new foolscap paper and decorated the page again. This time there is not even a faint glimmer of happiness. The entire page layout is violence violence violence and pain pain pain.

Saturday, August 24, 2002 12:50 p.m.

After I went out to the bus stop, I realised I'd forgotten to check my locker for dear's letter, but it was late and I was angry. However, I later realised I'd left my Integration in my locker and didn't want to turn up for Maths with work undone again so I went back to school to take it. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to get new school foolscap paper so I decided to do the surveys. I did it as fast I could, attacking the paper with practised speed, but eventually I couldn't push myself beyond tiredness anymore and my physical limitations forced me to stop. My head was swimming and I was getting confused and tabulating wrong columns of results repeatedly. I decided to go home.

Thursday I woke up feeling really tired because I didn't get enough sleep AGAIN the night before and the day before was already a very tiring day. I was upset because I didn't wake up early to do my Integration and overslept too. My mother woke me up and when I made a little comment that no one bothered to wake me up early she got mad and retorted in a sarcastic tone that she had to wake everyone up. Frankly she doesn't normally wake up earlier than I do. No one does. Of course she didn't allow me not to go to school again.

I reached school late and skipped breakfast. Dear was a little irritating because he kept saying things were all right when they weren't, and later when I told him I was pissed with him because of last night and explained everything he didn't give a satisfactory answer, and when I wanted to talk more he just said goodbye and went off. I dropped a hint but he didn't get it. He looked pissed with me which made me feel like kicking myself.

During the 2nd period I was so mad at everything I just had to go to the library to vent (see previous entries). GP (5th and 6th periods) was fantastic though. Before that Econs lecture had ended early and I walked to GP with Daren. He was talking about his GP essay plan and I was giving him a lot of ideas. Then I indulged in my dictionary and gained enlightenment concerning 'heart' and 'soul' just before GP. As I didn't have foolscap paper Daren kindly gave me two sheets of paper and took the initiative to lend me his question paper to copy the question after he saw that I was digging in my messy bag to find my paper without avail. What a sweet boy. I was still in a bad mood so I attacked the GP, scribbling furiously and working hard at the essay. I wrote 4 full pages and asked Daren for another piece, listened to him gawk in amazement, and continued scribbling my concluding paragraph. I would have written more though but decided to end because the period was ending. As I looked around after the paper had ended, I realised my friends had written significantly less than I had, but I attributed that to my relatively wide-spaced handwriting. I felt a lot better after all that venting even though a throbbing pain wracked my head.

I was mad at myself later because I refused to listen to the Maths and Geog lectures, something I rarely do. I think my perfectionist facade might just be cracking. During Maths I was writing, reading, rewriting and rereading. I couldn't write a proper story because I don't write stories on happy subjects. My style is depression but I was experimenting with something happy for once. Later, during Geography I was talking to Wen Jie about council and feeling better. It seemed it was just the two of us against everyone in the LT. Council vs non-council. I looked at her photos just before Geog, photos of her Geography field trip and her ex-boyfriend and photos of council during the JTS. She's pretty, and she looked a lot prettier when she was just a little younger, without the frown, without the pain, without the worry so many of us face with age.

P.E. was ok. I played Netball with apprehension, disappointment and disinterest. I'm scared of balls. But I forced myself to go on with the game, catch the balls, and throw them away. I always somehow threw the balls out or to an opposing player but at least I played the game. Later, thankfully the badminton players lent us their rackets to play badminton, and the teacher was nice about letting us play too because we wanted to. I got this badminton racket that made my hand dirty-green but I was thankful to get a racket anyway. I enjoyed the game.

I was pouring sweat by the time I got to the council room to work on dear's gift. I had many ideas, and materials ready. As I was making it, the sweat poured like rain onto the floor of the council room in small puddles. I guess I really exerted myself during P.E.. After making a mistake, I decided to redo the gift over time and give it to him when everything was perfect. I didn't want to be stressed and rush out something imperfect.

Heard Janice play on the piano. Her sight-reading is good but somehow I felt I could do better. I must stop being so proud of my piano-playing. Thankfully I didn't say anything and just went out for dance session after a while. Unfortunately this dance session wasn't as good for me because we went through the dance so many times and I was nearly fainting with exhaustion (from P.E. and dance). I was clenching my hurt hand after doing the break dance for the guy part. I appreciate the fact that I'm doing something different (the guy part) but it sometimes hurts that I'm one of 3 girls doing the guy part (and the shortest one) and I'm also out of the MAF dance because I'm a girl doing the guy part. During OpenHouse Wen Jie wants to be partnered with Run Yan because she wants to dance and I'll be unable to because I'm a program i/c. All this is good experience for me, I know, but it still hurts however trivial it may sound. Wen Jie and I will NOT agree to be program i/cs for Chinese New Year, our other working com. I don't think we should anyway, not just because of the dance issue, but because we've been program i/cs before.

I thank God for giving me the ability to last through the night. I enjoyed the cold bath in school. Wen Jie was actually amazed at me because my shirt was totally drenched with sweat and my body was very exothermic because of the exertion. The bath was a welcome relief, and I let the beat of water massage my overworked body while I cleaned myself up. Although it was a school shower, I refused to clean myself up anything less than a bath. Initially I had forgotten to shave but thankfully I'd shaved recently so it was ok (thank God!). I wore a blue version of that sleeveless top in the picture with Bingz and Mei, and jeans, and with my socks and sporty sneakers which looked new and just the right shade of blue, I was proud of my look. I put the usual deodorant but decided not to wear the nice decorated hairclip jie gave me because it didn't really suit the occasion. I didn't want to be overly decorated. Then, I borrowed a comb (yes, I didn't remember the comb) and admired myself in the mirror, deciding not to squeeze a pimple because there wasn't enough time, and went out. It turns out I could have gone out later because De Wen had gone to put his things back at his class bench. Still, I waited for a while, and ignored the stares of quite a few guys.

Decided to put my dirty things in the council room (which reminds me they're still there left to rot over the weekend...eeks! Hey, at least they're in MY pigeon hole) and left later. I educated De Wen on the rules of guys and told him he'd broken the first two (#1 - Never keep a girl waiting, #2 - Comment a girl looks good). He said he'd said I looked good though. Ok. I didn't hear that! Maybe I should give the poor guy a break. Uh...oops...not another break! Stop punning, Esther. Stop punning.

We went out of school where we saw Kelvin and Ailin walking out together. Ailin gave us directions to Suntec City (turns out both of us didn't know even though we'd planned to go there...haha!) then she recommended Gelare Ice-Cream (I think) on the top floor. Maybe I should try that some day (interested, Mei and Bingz?). The bus journey was great, and we talked about things close to heart, and after a while Suntec City came in sight, a lovely place in the dark blue night sky. Gold outlined the city buildings.

In the end, both of us got what we wanted. He wanted Marche, I wanted Suntec City so we had both! We ate at Marche, an exotic marketplace restaurant perfect for such an occasion. After touring the place for a while we decided on a pizza each, he took a coke with a slice of lemon by the side of the glass, and I took a glass of homemade lemonade in blueberry flavour, with a slice of lemon. I'd wanted to save money as usual, but he encouraged me to be good to myself, so I spent over on that dinner alone. He bought really delightful mushroom soup which was special and nothing like I'd ever tasted. The dinner began with him praying for both of us and us sharing the soup and taking our drinks. Mmm...the dinner was fantastic. The pizza was great with slimy squid (my favourite!) and prawn, among other toppings, and the fizzy blueberry lemonade was sparkly different. I finished up the soup in the end because he didn't want it after pouring pepper into it, for some weird inexplainable reason (haha), and we actually made it past one pizza each. :) The atmosphere was cool too. We were in the midst of well-dressed adults, in the dim light, making conversation. I forgot what was #3 but he passed #4 - Make a girl happy. He doesn't read such books so he didn't have any rule for me to obey though (haha).

I tried to be nice to the person at the counter but I think she was bored. We went up to the top of the fountain to sit where we could watch the great fountain, flashes of predominantly blue colour moving in the gushes of water, listen to the love songs playing in the background and just sit side by side on a little bench with the night sky arched in friendliness. We talked about things, and he gave me my present!!! It was Josh Groban, the cd I'd been saving up to get over the weekend. I was gasping in pleasant surprise and ecstasy because that was my current number #1 desired luxury. I appreciated it even further because of the pains he'd gone through to get it. Then we took out our handphones and told each other about the various contacts on our lists. We only made it past 'D' on my list because it was so long, but we managed his list. It's funny my list consists mostly of guys while his consists mostly of teachers. Ha.

It was a wonderful night, the happiest I've had in a long time, despite the tiredness. He even joked that he'd overdone #4 and made me too happy. Later we walked down the City Link, embraced and took the separate trains home. I listened to the new cd, and enjoyed the music so much I missed my train stop and had to take a train back. I reached home past my mother's bedtime so she was already sound asleep but I managed to talk to my father (someone whom I rarely talk to) before getting the much-needed sleep. Thank God I'd already bathed properly earlier so I didn't need a second bath (dear's shampoo scent lasted one night and a day on my hair...oops...I think I used too much), just a washing up.

Thanks dear for a beautiful night. I love you so much.

Saturday, August 24, 2002 10:14 a.m.

In case you think I'm just making up scenarios, I'm not. My class really did all that to me, including the umbrella incident. Don't be shocked. I've stopped being shocked.

I guess I'm bitching myself, aren't I? First I slammed council. And now I'm slamming the class. Oh well. But you see, I'm not insulting people because they are 'freakish' or 'weird'. I'm commenting on the SITUATION and the ATTITUDE and not the person. That's the difference. I don't have to justify myself, I know, but the sad thing is that people don't usually see things unless they have it explained in entirety to them. If you can appreciate what I said with basic respect and understanding, good for you. If you can't, then this elaboration is probably meant for you. I guess that's why friendships are only true if they are built on layers of trust. Sometimes you just have to know a person to believe.

Saturday, August 24, 2002 04:38 a.m.

Haven't been blogging for just a little while because I've been quite active and tired.

Life is in general quite ok. I get periods of happiness and then fall back occasionally into depression. Yesterday I was reminded of the past and realised that the situation was a lot more serious than I thought it was. Perhaps that explains why although I have a natural love to be touched (who doesn't?) I don't usually make initiations nor expect others to do so. Perhaps it also explains why I withdraw quickly and abruptly instinctively when people touch me in the wrong place or force themselves too much on me. I was just searching the dictionary for 'molest' and 'rape'. I wasn't raped, but I suspect I was molested. Chaste and pure me was too stupid, innocent and naive to react.

I realise I have about 2 and a 1/2 days worth of blogging undone. Oops. As I mentioned previously, Wednesday was not a particularly good day and besides, I was feeling immensely tired, struggling to keep my eyes open. I finally went down to the canteen to get my food and poured Skittles into my hand and gobbled two full mouthfuls before rushing back to class. On the way I had a great time talking to Si Jia. I'm beginning to trust Si Jia more because she confides in me, because she wasn't one of those who turned against me about the eating thing, because she listened to my whole explanation about council and the importance of image, because she sits with me quite often during lectures and tutorials and helps me when I'm not listening or talks to me and because I feel comfortable joking, laughing and being myself with her. With her, with De Wen, with Alanna, with Ailin, with Aishu, I don't have to feel guilty for acting weirdly. I don't have to STOP RUNNING and try to act normal. Perhaps I do act weirdly in class sometimes. Perhaps I am weird. I appreciate friends who can appreciate me for who I am.

Si Jia was talking about the class. Somehow the topic of the class has come up in a few one-to-one discussions I've had lately, not just about my class, but about other classes in Hwa Chong, and other classes in other JCs. I'm appalled at the apparent unhappiness and lack of peace. On the surface is mere superficiality and artificiality. Beneath the surface is dissension, anger, bitterness, indignance, gossip, hurt, isolation, loneliness, prejudice among others. It's startling to note that any faint glimmer of world peace may just perhaps be only achievable when the Antichrist comes. Even then, the world peace advocated is way further from true world peace. Perhaps true world peace is only achievable in heaven. Perhaps I should not have been shocked that people would actually resort to despicable means to break others up and to create tension. It's a sinful world after all.

I nearly fell asleep during council. I was assigned to help out in the fireball, and thankfully so, since I could work in the shade of the Students' Lounge and interact with the small group of people who were doing fireball. Initially I was drifting to sleep but by the grace of God I managed to pull through with the help of a bit of water on my face and a lot of water on my eyes. Perhaps I should get one of those facial sprays LIME featured, those that wake you up and give you a burst of energy. I remember looking at the product with cynicism though, believing that the result was plain psychological.

Still, council was great. Cexiang is a really funny person, and a combination of Cexiang, Lin Hai, Mel and Wei Si was entertaining and close. I don't crack jokes normally, nor talk much, so I just did my work, helped out as much as I could, and laughed at their jokes. It was entertaining listening to the radio during the work session and I enjoyed old favourites like Michael Jackson's 'Heal the World'. Mel was commenting on its cheesiness but us Arts people (Cexiang, Wei Si and I) were enjoying the song and exalting the Arts Faculty board. The Arts Faculty board looks really good (check it out if you haven't!) and you really have to read between the lines. I got the picture immediately when I saw the board but I think the Science students didn't. Mel didn't. :) -laughs evilly and thinks of jie doing the Science cheer- *internal Arts joke*

Amidst the happiness though, I got cut by the wire from the fireball. Now I have 5 slash marks on my arms which I've been staring regularly at for a long time. Frankly, it was great, somewhat of a relief, to see blood oozing out of the cuts especially even after I'd put pressure on them and stained the sleeve of my P.E. shirt in various places. Later I gave up getting the blood to stop and just let it ooze out and dry to form scars. It was a while before the pain kicked in, but the pain was exhilirating and exciting, in just the right amount. Feeling the addictive stinging, a thought of grabbing a wire and wildly slashing myself all over passed through my head. It was an entertaining prospect but I refrained from carrying out the plan because I was afraid the wire was rusty and I would get tetanus or something. Still, this accident opened my eyes to the possibility of self injury. Somehow it doesn't seem so fearful anymore. I was just thinking of a knife blade pressing softly into skin and becoming one with it, fountains of blood spurting out and exalting the marriage of knife and skin.

I couldn't help touching my wound and feeling the rise and fall of the skin with the presence of the scars. I couldn't help feeling the tingling pain as I touched the scars.

I forgot to talk about classroom cleaning. After the Sports Festival fiasco, during which I felt utterly awkward and like a traitor (because I was one of those who refused to participate whatsoever), and after being angry at my class for a while, we had to do classroom cleaning. I used my eraser to rub out the graffiti on my table (not written by me though). Later, lucius came to talk to me, and we went out of the class to talk further (at my request). Mr. Yeow was a little concerned later but he left us alone and after a while my classmates streamed out of the classroom. lucius was allocated classroom duty but I decided to help her since I haven't been doing classroom duty for a long time. I swept about half the floor of the next classroom with lucius before she decided to stop and ask Isaac to do it (because he hadn't cleaned the class) but Isaac said he wouldn't and told us to find someone else. lucius disappeared afterward, but after putting back the broom I decided to take it again and clean up the rest of the next classroom. I was enjoying the solitude and venting a bit. Who would care if I cleaned up the classroom, I asked myself. No one would even bother. I felt so much like a maid but I still cleaned the whole place up anyway before putting the broom back again. Si Jia greeted me later and I saw quite a few of my classmates huddled at the back of the class, including the class gossip. Suddenly I had the feeling they were talking about me, but I didn't care anyway.

It rained during work session even if I didn't notice it. Most of the councillors had finished their work and were tabulating the council-meet-students session surveys in the council room. I had 11 surveys to tabulate too but I decided not to do it in favour of cleaning the Students' Lounge again, something I just take on myself for the welfare of the students, even though the same thought came to me again that no one would notice and no one would care. I just couldn't stand the mess. It's funny how the TWO dustbins in the Students' Lounge could be so full to the brim and food wrappers thrown all over the place and no one bothering to clean it up or empty the dustbin. I swept the floor (which was badly in need of sweeping), emptied the dustbins, threw the wrappers away, brought one coffee cup to the canteen (even though I knew that people who saw me holding that cup and walking to the canteen might think that I was slacking and drinking outside the canteen), arranged the furniture properly, and stacked the newspapers neatly. It's amazing how I want the Students' Lounge to be neat and yet keep my own room and bag so untidy. I felt good after cleaning up the place, and returned to the council room to chat a bit. Later Aishu came up to me and said she'd seen me clean up. I guess some people do notice. I emptied the council room dustbin too. I hope the councillors don't remember me as a maid.

Dance session was ok but I was feeling really tired after an entire day's work and dance session, which ended past 7. I was angry with De Wen because I thought he'd wait for me because he did mention we would talk later (from when we met in the canteen because he had to rush off and I had had a bad day and wanted to tell him about it) and he asked me to call him when I finished council. I scanned the surroundings for him during the dance session at regular intervals (and felt a little desperate and degrading) and called him up finally after council, only to find out he was having dinner. Then, he had to not get the fact that I was angry with him and talk calmly and nonchalantly about other things, before adding that he wouldn't be going online that night. Somehow that really pissed me off. I had to bitch to Aishu for a while to vent my frustration and got even madder as Aishu made a few well-intentioned jokes to lighten up the situation. I guess I over-reacted. It was just the stress of being hurt so many times in a day by people I counted my closest friends. Somehow I lost trust in a lot of people and shook up to the fact that I can't always rely on people. I still love De Wen, and as I blog about the next few days perhaps you can see why, even though even if nothing had happened in the next few days I would still love him, but I felt that I'd raised him up on a pedestal as someone who knew me inside out, expected too much of him, and I should start seeing the humanity of people and appreciating the simple beauty of being human.

My head's been hurting for a long time. It hurts every day and I've been enduring its pounding just to finish typing this blog for Wednesday. I still have Thursday and Friday to go but I think I'll do it later. Plus, a new layout will be up soon in conjunction with Layout Day! I also realise that I haven't done the PubCo minutes which are due today. I'm actually quite weak too, Christine. Even though I am quite sporty (although I've stopped training) I am sick all the time and my head hurts. If anyone wonders why I'm up at this hour it's because I slept at about 7.30p.m. yesterday after lying in bed for a long time thinking of pain, suffering, violence, depression, sex and other dark things, as the memory of the past fastened its grips on me and refused to let go.

By the way, the chiobu club gossip session was held (I think) on Wednesday after council but I decided not to go in the end. I'd wanted to go for the sole purpose of informing myself on the ways of the world so that I could be more accepted but eventually I thought I would be a little 'extra' if I did go. Besides, I never saw myself as a member of the chiobu club and never cheered when the girls cheered their 'chiobu kebaba' cheers. I am not pretty, but I viewed 'chiobu' to mean 'girl'. I'm still not impressed with society and what it offers me, and don't feel any incentive to take part in gossip now. Perhaps ignorance is bliss.

I'm going to sleep again. Please pray that my head will stop hurting so badly. Today will be MAF Technical Run and we'll be staying in school really late to watch the lights and fountain, as well as the rest of the decoration (centrepiece, citygate etc.) at night. We'll also be having a song session so it will be a pretty nice council work session. Still, I am not too thrilled with the idea of working for 12 hours straight, another Saturday spent in school and another weekend half gone. I refused to eat dinner last night (a first, actually, since usually when I starve myself I still eat dinner) and I wonder how I'm going to survive with only one meal today (lunch). It's funny how I don't feel hungry, only sick, but somehow council means so much to me I don't have much incentive to skip it. I love council.

People thought I was giving up the class for council but I was actually giving up council for the class. It was class first before council. Now I realise that perhaps was a foolish choice. I should have put council first, and I will. During the counselling session with Mr. Yeow, he suggested I mix more with councillors, but never mentioned the class AT ALL, something which I found strange. After what the class did to me, I don't see any reason for me to bother with the class. Yes, I will maintain basic civility, laugh and smile with my classmates, talk, be nice, and maintain the superficial level everyone's been maintaining. Somehow in council, people actually TALK to me and JOKE with me. People like Hao Jie, Wen Qi, Wei Si, people I'm not close to, actually are nice and friendly and do bother to stop to carry out simple conversations, or just give a smile. It's these little things, the fact that council is a community. I've been hearing, and talking to councillors, building up relationships, and I got wind of some news that quite a few councillors feel closer to council than to class. It's sad, really, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't see anything that can be done about it. I did try my best to help out the 2nd intakes and look what they did to me (they formed the biggest gossips against me). I put the class before council and look what they did to me (they turned against me). Objectively speaking it's their loss.

Too bad I say. Too bad for both parties. I don't feel comfortable working in the council room during normal school hours (because I don't want to give people the impression that I'm avoiding the rest of the school population when I'm not and sticking to council council council). I'll just work on my own, and find my own hole, avoid trouble, and enjoy council and the closeness it offers during work sessions.

Till this day the words my classmates spoke to me on Wednesday still cut. 'councillor councillor councillor' has turned into a bad word. People BLATANTLY scold me for being a councillor but don't forget it was YOU who put me there in the first place. You don't understand the position I'm in and it's not as if you care either. Leave me alone 02A11. Leave me alone. And now I wonder again how I am going to serve the class if I hate them so much. I don't mind serving the rest of the anti-council student population but I can't understand how I'm going to smile and maintain professional enthusiasm with all the hurt that's going on.

Today I ignored any mention of council and my class were discussing council with blatant disregard for me. I didn't care anyway. I heard them talk but I didn't do anything, just concentrated on my own work. I don't want to be taken advantage of anymore ('Councillor, here's my umbrella. Please walk ALL THE WAY to the council room and help me return it with your 24-hour service because I can't be bothered to wait for the Welfare Room to open from 3-6 every day and because you have so much free time to do whatever you do at council because I don't see you doing anything so you mustn't be doing a scrap of work'). If you want my help, I'll be glad to help if you ask, and it's unlikely you will because you hate me so much anyway and it's awkward asking me for help. I can see it, 02A11. I'm not stupid. I know when I'm not wanted and not appreciated.

Saturday, August 24, 2002 02:51 a.m.

I'm in the school library now during 2nd period break. I have work to do (GP essay to prepare for and a lot of other not so immediate things). But please let me vent.

Yesterday was a good day despite the many bad things. Unfortunately while yesterday I had a pretty good spirit I still did not forget the bad things so today with a not very good mood brewing I'm here to vent.

Perhaps all the problems with relationships in class and council I mentioned earlier were just part of paranoia. Even if people told me that they existed (i.e. there was something wrong between both parties and me) I never really heard anything for myself. But yesterday the shocking truth hit me in the face as my classmates and council mate blatantly BLATANTLY treated me ill. Do I understand? Yes, I'm trying hard to. But I sometimes wonder if I'm letting them off too easily by taking the hurt on myself. I had rather heap everything on myself than take it out on others.

It all started with the Econs tutorial. It was bad because I couldn't help falling asleep and was made worse by the fact that I didn't know my Econs work very well or that I spent break doing my Econs tutorial only to discover that my class hadn't done it and we were given some time during Econs to do it. Still, the bulk of the blame was the fact that I was really exhausted (i.e. had trouble keeping my eyes open). At the end of Econs tutorial I decided that since we were let off a few minutes early, I could go down to the canteen and get some sweets to give me some sugar and energy to stay awake.

I found Si Jia and told her my plan and we went to the Maths class first to put our bags down. That was when everything started. I had intended to just go to the canteen to eat but somehow some of my classmates told me to eat in class and said it was ok. I kept refusing. Finally they slammed me as a councillor. The hurt came when Stephanie blatantly expressed her displeasure and scolded me. A greater hurt came when Wan Fang, someone whom I viewed as a closer friend in the class, took their side. She said that I can't just conform to rules. The school decrees that we do not eat in class because it dirties the place. As long as you do not dirty the place you can eat in class. Well, (a) what is a rule for then? (b) I'm going to the canteen to eat, and I'm not imposing ANYTHING on you so why do you care so much? (c) It's not so much obeying rules. I have principles, true. But a lot of times it's the image. Being a councillor is not enforcing rules, but rather upholding the image of the school. What will people think if they see me eating in class? We've been warned about that a lot. True, my classmates probably won't tell on me, but the council is always being watched and picked upon like we're not mere humans. We're called to be role models and that's a fact. People complain to council. Still, if you don't agree with me, you could just tell me nicely, instead of scolding at me and ganging up on me like a huge herd. As usual I took the hurt in my stride, tried to explain things the best I could, gave a smile, and walked off. I think I masked my hurt very well, even though it stayed with me for a long time.

During break before, I had been in the council room because (a) our class wanted to buy dedications, (b) a councillor dropped by so I decided in view of friendliness to stay with her to do some work of my own. After finishing my Econs, doing the dedications (for Teachers' Day) and doing some revision for my Maths test, I went up to the staff room to ask Mr. Yeow some questions. THERE WERE TWO COUNCILLORS SETTLED IN THE COUNCIL ROOM WHEN I LEFT. I say settled because they were sitting down and talking and didn't look like they were going to leave. Besides, I got up, told them I was leaving, and left for a while. When I came back, the two of them were gone and another councillor was in the room. The moment I walked in she YELLED at me for not locking the door when I left because that was such a serious crime. Excuse me??? You don't have to yell. Besides, it wasn't even my fault. You didn't have to vent your anger on me. Of course what I did was I patiently explained everything. I don't think she believed me. Whatever. She didn't apologise, that was one thing. WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU? Before she left, she reminded me to lock the door. (P.S. When have I ever not left the room alone unlocked?)

Later, the two councillors walked in again and settled down again. Their bags were still there. Somehow, I took the hurt on myself and didn't tell them about the incident.

During CT session, someone was trying hard to get the class to pay attention and to sign up for Sports Festival but there was quite a huge ruckus in the room. Sports Festival will be held from the 10th to 11th of October (after Promos) and CTs can take part in a variety of sports competitions. I didn't want to take part, because although I'm good at sports I want to spend time on other things like reading, which I'm more interested in. I know from experience that I tend to have too many commitments on my hands, and after experiencing council I value the free time that I have. I know it's after Promos, but I still maintain my stand. Thankfully the whole class forgot me, and went about encouraging certain individuals to do sports. I was doing an analysis (like I always love) on career guidance i.e. my aptitude and interest and trying to remain inconspicuous, reason being I hadn't forgiven my friends for the previous two incidents yet. Presently they remembered me. Mei Yan did, but she was contented (thankfully) when I told her no. Mr. Yeow also asked me to go for it, but I said no, I was too busy. He showed an understanding look.

Got to go for Econs lecture now. More about that later...

Thursday, August 22, 2002 08:54 a.m.

Please take a look at this pic Mei gave Bingz. It's such a great photo.

Not only does it showcase my two lovely friends, it actually shows me looking great. And that's...wow...a rare photo. I'm ogling MYSELF. Ha. Ha. Hahahahahahahaha.

Off to bathe and off to sleep now. Nitey.

-thinks of jie, lucius and tash and wishes them well because somehow, although she doesn't know them well and doesn't show any sign of anything she cares a lot for them-

Wednesday, August 21, 2002 11:04 p.m.

Before I add anything, thanks Bingz, for commenting. Frankly, I think my Maths teacher has a cool factor. I know many people will probably beg to differ on this but I always saw Josh Harnett when I saw him. He is attractive, gentle, sensitive and nice. I guess the feeling I got when I saw him that day was similar to my supposed interpretation of the feeling Mei, Christine and Jillz get when they think of Orli.

Actually I only get one break on Monday and Wednesday. Monday I end at 4.25p.m. and Wednesday I end at 2.15p.m. I get two breaks on Thursday (4.25p.m.) and Friday (5.05p.m.). I get 3 breaks on Tuesday (5.05p.m.). I would have had only two breaks on Tuesday and one break on Friday had I not taken Chinese because I have a break before Chinese.

Now on to a round-up of yesterday. I said I played too hard because I did what I wanted to do. Chinese was great although I was quite demoralised because I'm always the last one to leave the class. Usually for my Chinese periods the teacher gives us worksheets to do. We can leave the class when we finish what we have to do. It sort of reminds me of the Chinese remedials I used to have in Secondary 4. Somehow however much I rush through my work (of course not compromising on quality while emphasising on speed) I always come in last. It makes me feel guilty to make the teacher wait with me usually until the bell rings when the entire class has already ended way before the bell rang. Sometimes when I am unable to finish my work my teacher just leaves the class and tells me to put my work on her desk later so I sit in a cold and silent classroom in the evening alone to work on work that people have finished a long time ago.

Still, as I said Chinese was great because I did finish the assignments (even if I was the last one to hand in) and I got praised by my teacher for a relatively good score in my essay (it's an A2). After I'd finished my work I went to talk to my teacher about the essay and we went through a few mistakes I made. It was great talking to her because I learnt a lot from her and she was also patient (sometimes even lapsing into English to speak to me) in repeating her point many times over when I didn't get it. I remember in kindergarten after I came back from the States I was completely clueless in Chinese and my Chinese teacher had to speak to me in English.

In the morning I was hoping for Maths remedial because it would help me improve and get an opportunity to work for Maths. This is the first Maths remedial I believe I've attended in JC and I did enjoy it. I didn't try the questions beforehand simply because I forgot we had to try them and I didn't even know what we were going to do for Maths remedial (I didn't even think there would be Maths remedial) but I learnt a lot. Mr. Yeow discussed quite a few questions, refreshing my knowledge on AP and GP. I realised how much I'd forgotten, and I reverted back to my behaviour in the first three months of the year, when I'd had the energy to ask questions (both during lesson and after lesson). I asked stupid questions and couldn't stop giggling like a silly schoolgirl because of how much I didn't know but thankfully in the end my doubts were cleared up. I think I enjoyed Maths remedial.

Oh, I forgot to mention that Wan Fang, Serene and I went to Venezia Ice Cream Parlour during the break before Chinese! It was quite on the spur of the moment. We were originally intending to go to Coronation Plaza (Serene's idea) but somehow we decided to go to Venezia instead and I lost my resolve to save money for Josh Groban and decided to treat myself to ice-cream instead. The ice-cream was delicious. All of us ordered 3 scoops each and enjoyed sitting at the little round table talking. During the course of the discussion I found out a little more about these two friends and enjoyed the closeness of friendship. I was 20 minutes late for Chinese though even if it didn't matter. Although I felt very guilty about being late (I think this is the greatest crime I have committed in JC...seriously...I'm so high on morals it just pricks my conscience very badly to do certain things people deem natural e.g. skipping classes) and was rushing my ice-cream I still maintain I enjoyed myself.

After Maths remedial I went to the school library to search for Utopia. After quite a while of searching in different sections I still couldn't find it though but during my search I did find various sections of The Lord of the Rings which made me feel quite disturbed that I'd bought the set (and not started reading it yet) when I could have spent the money on something else instead and borrowed the books for free in the library. I did borrow 4 books though. A lot of books interested me but I eventually narrowed my choices down to 4.

Went to JE community library afterwards. Somehow I was in a 'book' sort of mood and I realise that if there's something that makes me happy it's reading. I was disturbed at my choice of books though. Browsing the Young Adults Section I picked up a few books that interested me and was startled to note that my choices were mainly books on depressing subjects like death and dying. I chose predominantly thin books for leisure reading but somehow I left out the books about boy-girl relationships and parties. Somehow the serious topics appeal to me more.

I made another mistake by blowing some money at a large packet of fries and coke. The LJS counter staff member was rude to me! One thing about LJS is the pricing system is pretty unbalanced. Usually only the value meals are worth it. Still I decided to buy what I did and pay what I did. I believe I blew more than yesterday. As I sat down to eat and read somehow my mind turned to depressing things again. The day was generally bright with me smiling uncontrollably at nothing in particular throughout the day but somehow after indulging on depressing stories I thought of death and other sad things. I remained sad as I reached home. There were prawn noodles for dinner, a relatively rare choice actually, but I wasn't impressed, and I didn't even finish my dinner but left it in front of the computer.

I was very tired yesterday but decided to push myself anyway. I did all my business online before going off to sleep (and receiving strange phone calls close to 1a.m. in the morning on my handphone).

Today was a good but bad day. A lot of people hurt me today, friends, council, and even my dear trusted boyfriend. Still, there were things to be glad about today, and I was happy. I managed to understand, and still be civil and nice towards my peers. Still, it's really late now and I've not even bathed. There's so much to do once again. I have to prepare for my GP essay (which I could do during break tomorrow) and Integration tutorial (which I could do tomorrow morning). I think what I could do now is bathe and sleep. Today I nearly fell asleep during Econs and council. I was so tired I thought I couldn't go on and wanted to seriously tell my com chair I wouldn't be able to make it for council. Thank God I pulled through. After a while my sleepiness passed and I managed to enjoy myself even if I was tired. But I don't want this to happen tomorrow because I know I owe sleep from yesterday and need the sleep for tomorrow's long day (there'll be dance session after school and it's 4 months since De Wen and I got together so we'll be celebrating).

Good night one and all. Perhaps I'll blog more soon...hopefully. :)

Wednesday, August 21, 2002 10:15 p.m.

Chooi Mei, just today I was thinking about watching Lilo and Stitch with you! What a coincidence! :) Why don't we watch it some time soon.

Dear has got a nice prezzie for me. Must try to get one for him too for Thursday. There's dance session on Thursday (which will hype me up even though it will physically tire me) and I'll end school just before 7 so we'll spent about 2 hours together.

Bingz, I was just thinking when I saw your blog today about how your 1.20p.m. day is your shortest day but you have CCA from 4.40p.m. to 6.30p.m. that you should just look at my timetable. My shortest day is at 2.15p.m. (my next shortest day is at 4.25p.m.) and I have council all the way until 6 to 7. Still, I understand what you mean.

I felt a lot better this morning. There was still the anti-HC sentiment but I was plagued with two voices in my head gently pushing different ideas at me. The voices mainly reprimanded me for slamming council and reminded me that my focus was not right. I suppose all the talk of CCA points could be borderline acceptable in view of the fact that I was talking about my achievements as a rational display of how fortunate (though uncontented) I was. Still, I forgot the fact that I joined council to be more into JC and to make a difference. I did after all get my wish fulfilled. I felt I owed all the people who supported me into council an apology for feeling this way.

(By the way, I've given up running. I'm not going to run anymore except during P.E.. No more training in the morning and no more running down school corridors. Don't ask me why. I believe it's the fault of my depression.)

I was thinking about the Arts Faculty today as I was walking (for once) along the overhead bridge leading to school. Because council plays (and has been playing) a big part in my life, I constantly get flashbacks to the past. Most of what I remember starts with elections, when I was standing in front of the Arts Faculty staring at jie as I spoke because she gave me the confidence to speak just by being there. Somehow though, I thought of before council for once. I remembered the council open house. I remembered going up to the booths and asking about council. I remember when I wondered if I should sign up for council. I remember the enthusiastic support for me. People wanted me in more than I initially wanted myself in. Then came the parental opposition but my classmates were all over themselves offering to be campaign managers, even wanting to call to persuade my parents to let me sign up, and Li Jen, my direct senior who also happens to be in council, was a great help. Finally, I did sign up, and I got in with the support of both the 1st-intakes and the 2nd-intakes.

I realise how much Arts is important to me and no matter what happens/happened, I wouldn't hate these people. I've made a few friends just from running for council (they were actually those who ran with me). I remember the girl who came up to me the day I found out I got into council, this person who congratulated me and told me she was one of those in the crowd who voted for me. I never found out who she was. I realise that in whatever inter-faculty games/competitions I always support Arts 100%. I realise that sometimes in council I'm reminded I'm an Arts councillor and I'm doing this for Arts especially. I realise that during cheering sessions I especially enjoy it when the Arts Faculty is down because it's my faculty. I realise that when speaking to a group of people I feel more comfortable in Arts. I realise that even in general as long as I know that Arts is watching I feel more conscious of myself and want to do my very best. Arts rules.

I used to feel the Humanities-Arts gap mainly because I was unhappy about the vast differences in timetables. I hated the way Science students assumed the Arts students got lighter timetables when they didn't and when I was struggling with time I would really regret not having gone to the Humanities programme. When I was struggling with grades I would really resent the Humanities people for being guaranteed 1 or 2 'S' papers and scholarships to Oxford or Cambridge. I don't feel the gap much now though (after today that is). They're still Arts after all and I have quite a few Humanities friends.

I decided this morning that if I had to do it I'd do it all over again. I would still make HC my first choice. I'd still run for council. Perhaps in University I will still run for council. I was thinking about myself today and how inadequate I was to be a councillor. I have the gift of compassion but not leadership. I should have joined Interact Club. But then, there's so much I'm learning in council and so much I've learnt. So much friendship has been forged. There's been so many experiences in council. Although it's tough I will and always be a councillor and I will make full use of my council term.

Mr. Yeow looked really sick during Morning Assembly today and I felt guilty for burdening him with my problems. I commented that he looked sick to break the awkward air but it was rather awkward (and he didn't reply) because Ying Shi from the next class yelled to me to move aside. Frankly I was shocked at the rudeness but I trust that she didn't mean what she said so it's ok. But please, don't yell at me.

Mr. Yeow asked if I was ok. I said yes but I needed to talk to him and he said it would be fine if we talked after the Maths tutorial i.e. during second break. Maths tutorial went fine. Once again I didn't do my tutorial but he didn't bother me. Thankfully he hasn't asked about my tutorial or asked me to do any question on the board for a very long time. I have a hidden fear that my classmates may call him biased because of that but I'm really glad he doesn't bother me about my tutorial.

When the class ended, he just sat at his table and waited for me. I was feeling quite awkward, and I tried to pack up my things but because I was feeling awkward if you'd look closely enough you'd have seen I was quite disturbed and not being able to pack my things up properly. After I'd finished packing, I told Wan Fang and Serene I'd see them later because I'd be seeing Mr. Yeow and then went out. He got up with me and we went out together. On the way out of the classroom we passed Xue Ling and someone else and I thought that they would suspect something and probably pass on some gossip. I don't have anything against Xue Ling. In fact as I mentioned in my survey I do admire her. Still, I have this paranoia about the class ever since I discovered about the gossiping.

I was trying not to laugh as I went outside. I wonder why. I felt a lot better because I'd spent a nice day the day before but I still feared madness so I decided to see him. He was really nice. I rushed out past Kah Yee (I believe) and couldn't refrain from giving a sigh as I stepped into place beside Mr. Yeow. He asked me what was wrong as we walked ahead and I started to tell him. I was afraid of madness. My grandmother was mad. I was stressed about work. Because the grades I achieve in subjects like GP and Econs are more than I expect from myself I feel pressure to maintain my result and it's giving me a lot of stress. It's especially bad when I know I can do it but I just can't study my Econs or find anything to say for GP. Council is taking up a lot of my time.

My responses were quite sketchy, but like most counselling sessions I've experienced, the counsellor listens to about 1 line from me and replies with 20 lines worth of advice. It helps because somehow even if I'm able to think clearly and talk myself through my problem at home in front of counsellors I can barely confide my feelings. Still, it helped to talk to Mr. Yeow. He was really gentle and sensitive and we talked for just a short while (about half an hour) in the staff lounge. He has a great way of putting things simply. He told me about how we all fall into holes. There's only one way we can go and that's up. Things will get better. Just don't dig yourself in deeper. We always fall into holes but we pick ourselves up and walk again. You may walk 100m before you fall into a hole or you may walk 1m before you fall into a hole but it doesn't matter because you know you will pick yourself up and walk again. Life is about walking and trying new things. You don't stand stagnant. Still there's only so much he can do and De Wen can do for me (why do counsellors always like to mention my boyfriend?). They can act as a catalyst but it's up to me to pull myself out from that hole. They can't pull me out. Frankly, it made me think of strangling myself with the mention of the rope but I knew I was thinking suicide again.

He told me not to always expect As from myself. If we have never tasted sadness, we wouldn't know happiness. And if we have always been happy, we wouldn't know happiness either. If you have been getting Cs, that one A is sweet. If you get the next A, well and good. If you don't, try harder. I realise I always expect As. Nothing less. Don't be afraid to fail, he says. Also, there'll be time after MAF for preparation for Promos. Prom is after Promos. I guess I should have consulted him in the first place. He should know since he's a council teacher (and also the teacher in charge of MAF and Prom).

He told me my grandmother is my grandmother and just because she's mad doesn't mean I will be. I told her about how I felt people were against me especially because I found out the class was talking about me and he said not to worry about others. Make sure you're happy first. It may sound selfish but that's the way. If you make others happy in the process, good. If you don't, try to compromise. He mentioned he always saw me working alone in council. I told him I tried, but I didn't stay long in the council room because I didn't have the time too. He understood, but encouraged me to mix more with the councillors. Somehow I get the impression that the more lasting friends in JC will be those in our CCAs. That seemed to be the case for him.

I told him I felt guilty about letting myself play because I had studying to do. I asked him a lot of questions about his JC life, his life as an ExCo councillor and OAC member. He played hard and studied hard, and despite being a councillor he skipped lectures too, Maths lectures included. It seemed his JC life was the best years of his life. We joked and laughed, but during the course of the counselling I did cry in front of him. Somehow in the midst of happiness I cry automatically when I remember the things that have been bothering me.

I told him about the suicidal thoughts, about the pills and the knife. He told me I was still young, and that I had so much more to live and experience. I think I benefitted a lot from this counselling session. I told him I felt uncomfortable with my GP tutor because she'd scolded me the last time I was crying so he assured me he would always be there to listen to me. He told me to call him if I needed help.

Somehow after that counselling session I couldn't help thinking of Orli. I just felt like hugging him for being so sensitive and nice. I appreciated it. Plus he was sick and still bothered to help me and offer me tissue when I was about to cry (of course eventually I cried and used my own tisuse).

No one's against me. It's only my perspective. I thought he was too, but apparently he isn't.

Lessons went pretty well afterward. GP was enjoyable. I couldn't help smiling the rest of the day. I even treated myself to food for both breaks. The third break I went to Venezia and came late for Chinese, which didn't matter. At the end of Econs lesson I went to my Econs tutor and told her I didn't take the test the day before. She asked why and I told her I wasn't present then. Somehow she sounded a lot like my GP tutor, with an expectant tone, like I had something more to tell her that I was hiding. I told her I was stressed out. Then, she patted my shoulder and said in a 'shaking-up' voice to not be stressed because I'm a good student. The scariest thing is when good students get stressed. I was quite surprised at this sudden burst of concern and I hope I didn't seem too flippant with her by my apparent lack of emotion except the usual smile (which teachers tend to mistake as being cheeky or not meaning what I'm saying which is usually not the case). Anyway she wanted to arrange a time with me to take the test but I'm too busy with council.

Ok I'm really tired now. Been pushing myself for the last 2 hours. Frankly I played a little too hard today even if that did make me a lot happier. Just wanted to highlight certain important points in my day. I hope I can add more tomorrow (even though I'll probably be home late because of Teachers' Day rehearsal and Dance Session. Dance should be cool though). There's a Maths test tomorrow and I need to do Econs data response so I think I should go off and sleep now and possibly wake up at 4 to rush everything. God bless me.

Please pray for me people and thanks once again for everything. Today I appreciated the friends that I have and the people who remind me that there is still love in the world.

Tuesday, August 20, 2002 10:44 p.m.

It's amazing how much I blog. I don't know if it's merely the need for protection or that I've become more narcissistic but I've been reading my entries over again.

Anyway. Today was better.

I didn't do much work in the end but I did manage to enjoy myself. For once it felt like a holiday. And although I still mourned the loss of my September holidays I still enjoyed myself today.

I woke up relatively late around 8.30a.m. then I went for breakfast and read the papers. My mother had to irritate me by reminding me all the time to make good use of my time but I went online for a while. I would have loved to check out quite a few sites but I only allow myself the time to engage in blogging activities.

I didn't do any work except one Economics essay which wasn't even given for homework. Most people would have done the essay outlines for the 6 essays but naturally I didn't because I have no idea what an essay outline is frankly. I remember the time the teacher asked us all to do essay outlines in class. I merely broke down my essay into point form i.e. it was still an essay just that I bulleted the paragraphs. I did learn a lot and find quite a few questions to ask my Econs tutor. Maybe I should ask her tomorrow.

I spent most of my time reading Lime magazine. It's really interesting and I'm pleased with myself for finishing the magazine from cover to cover over yesterday and today. I'm so crazy I actually read addresses and individual words i.e. I don't allow myself to skim. It's amazing how people actually put so much makeup and treat their bodies with care. Lime did an article on the make-up routine people go through on Saturday. It's amazing how people spend their Saturdays. They wake up at about 8 and meet their friends after a round of make-up routine and put make-up again before partying until the wee hours of morning. It made me sad when I saw them and I thought of all the Saturdays when I'm already in school for attendance-taking at 8 scared that I'll get 5 points for being late and working all the way until 6-7 before entertaining my family until 9-10 (I feel like a geisha sometimes) before collapsing (and I do mean collapsing) and being totally still until the next morning where I wake up at about the same time for church.

It's amazing anyway how people use 30+ make-up equipment and spend over 0-0 on themselves. I'm just plain and simple. Maybe that's why my face is so pimply and oily. Today I was looking at myself (as usual) - I'm actually quite vain - and thinking how pretty I could have been if I'd taken better care of myself. Seriously. My face is quite naturally fine (if only I took better care of my skin) and my hair quality is getting better with my new Dove shampoo.

Perhaps I should treat myself to some of those luxuries too but I'm saving up for Josh Groban and becoming a little stingy. Xin Yi had to coax me to spend more on Sunday (in the end we blew ). I remember how I skipped recess just to buy Britney Spears' first album. I am rationally worried for myself because I know I tend to pursue habits like not eating.

Anyway I did eat quite a few snacks today and I took an afternoon nap as well as enjoyed playing a lot of the piano. Piano is a part of me and I realised today that my mood affects the way I play. I express my feelings through the way I achieve the musical effect. But I was thinking that I was in a mental hospital in a blue set of hospital pyjamas.

My reading of Book 17 of Left Behind was hampered because it's highly action and suspense and I've been feeling highly jittery (it doesn't help that it's the 7th month even though I'm not supposed to be superstitious or anything). Besides I had to go to dinner. I also wasn't feeling quite well today. My head and throat weren't good. In fact now my head isn't feeling too good so I'll be going offline hopefully soon.

I'm glad my father wasn't around to talk about why I skipped school today. I'm going to school tomorrow with no homework done. Yes. I'm not doing Maths tutorial and not preparing for GP. I'll probably just study my Econs tomorrow morning so if I have to take the test I'll have the knowledge to take it. Somehow I feel so slack that I don't want to prepare questions like a mugger (Forgive the labelling). I want to just take it like an exam. And Econs and GP are my better subjects. I should be spending more time on my other subjects. Not like I am starting to study though.

I did feel better today and wondered what was it that made me break down. Ultimately I think it's the perspective. It's just scary that I can fluctuate like that.

De Wen and I have been talking for nearly 3 hours now (and he called me in the afternoon too - yay! - and I was cheered up by Gail's sweet voice. I think I'm starting to idolise Gail. Seriously) and e-mailing each other during the course of these 3 hours. Strange indeed but we're just online so we receive each other's mails and reply to them and receive each other's mails again and the list goes on.

I could have kicked myself for disagreeing to dinner tomorrow night but there are many reasons for that. First I end early (for once!) at 5.05p.m. if there is no Maths. remedial. I need to go to the library to return my books so I don't really want to wait until he ends at 7. Besides I'm saving money for Josh Groban so I should go home for dinner. And I've been so scared lately I really don't want to go home late. Plus I have a Maths test the next day so I need to study. All the reasons are so valid but somehow I find myself kicking myself for having the wrong priorities.

Today I actually dressed up (and admired my hair). I had a shower in the morning (oh no! which reminds me I haven't showered yet and am probably not going to because I feel so clean and because it's so late) and admired my hair the whole day. I also shaved so I wore sleeveless today (and shorts). I did look cool for once. Even my mother thought I was going out. I love my top (it cost .90 but I was willing to spend money on that which is unusual because my clothes usually cost a lot less than that. I'm VERY stingy) but although I would think it showed off my slim figure I felt my arms were fat and I started to think two ways. (a) Healthy swimmer. (b) Anorexic.

Enough about looks. I was just looking at my legs the other day in the shop windows and thinking they were runner legs. So you bet I'm pleased with my general look. The tan isn't bad either. But I need to do something about my face so I don't look so dull, plain and pissed off.

Monday, August 19, 2002 10:39 p.m.

In response to Bingz's blog and in general:

I remember catching part of an Indian show once. It wasn't bad except the incessant Tamil words were a bit too much for the ears. Maybe I should watch with the sound muted. If I ever watch at all. I think TV is generally quite boring but I do look at the TV listings still. I like the programmes on Channel NewsAsia too (from what I see from the newspapers) even if I don't watch them. It doesn't help that my connection to Channel NewsAsia isn't good so the screen goes quite static when I tune it to the channel. When I used to tune in.

I understand the feelings of your classmate. I've been in quite an anti-HC phase lately. It seems for quite some time HC has been my dream school and as I admitted to my Sunday School friends yesterday I would have felt shocked if I didn't make it to HC twice because it was my only real choice. Reminds me of how lost I felt when I didn't get into HC choir (I auditioned twice). Thankfully I found council (yes that's one good thing I can say about council) because I never really liked my 4 other CCAs even though sometimes when I'm in quite a sad mood I do think of how great life would have been if I'd not been in council and found an ExCo position in one of those CCAs instead.

But I think of how life would have been in other JCs (yes I was also thinking of Yishun JC even though it isn't anywhere near my house) and it hasn't helped much that the newspapers recently talked about why people who qualified for top schools chose not-so-top schools and how people have benefitted from these schools. The reasons sound very logical and appealing. Just today I was thinking of polytechnic and I've been hearing that my ex-classmate Silver (who's now working at Venezia and studying at Singapore Poly I believe) looks a lot happier. She did better than me for the O levels by the way. She was assistant CT rep and an excellent dancer. Everything looked like it was going smoothly for her. She would have chocked up a good CCA grade. Still she chose a path which most people in the top schools wouldn't dream of choosing and she's looking all the better for it. I've been near the top all my life. I topped Primary 5 and gained reasonably good Prelim and PSLE grades without studying. I'm not afraid to admit yes I didn't study. I've always been known as a good student. If I'd studied harder in Nanyang I'd probably get a scholarship but I slacked my first two years (and still was near the top for Lower Secondary Science). In Upper Secondary I studied a little harder and would like to believe I was one of the better students in class in Geography and Maths. Now in JC I'm doing ok. I'm a student councillor (which means my CCA record will be stellar because I heard that by my commitment in MAF - 10 hours a Saturday alone - I've chocked up all the CIP points I need). I'm in class committee. I'd like to believe I'm quite well-known in school. Teachers like me. I'm doing pretty well in my subjects. This is all from my perspective. Honestly. I don't know if I'm bragging or superficial but this is honestly the way I see things. Please wake me up (gently though) if you disagree and believe I'm very deluded.

I'm saying all this because I'm used to being in a top school. I'm used to getting good grades and being at the top. I'm aiming for scholarships and 'S' papers. You bet I know that at the rate I'm going even if I don't get scholarships I'll probably get a decent job somewhere. Not everyone gets to go to JC. Let alone a top 5 one. Still recently I've been quite disillusioned. Are results all that matter? What am I pursuing? I'm giving up my happiness. My council friends were just talking about what fun they had shopping and we were asking them how they managed their time. They said they haven't done their Econs tutorials for an entire year. I'm surprised their Econs teacher hasn't killed them. What about me? I don't do Maths tutorials. I do find time to enjoy. But I'm not enjoying myself enough and I'm pushing myself hard but not smart. In the end I'm accomplishing nothing.

After all the ramblings I guess it's understandable you feel that way. Stressed and indignant. I think your friend may have a problem just like I do though. I guess that's what I meant when I said that people who read my blog and hear my ramblings are true friends if they stay by my side. I know many people might want to be in my place. I mean look I even have a great boyfriend and I don't seem to be treasuring him (I do but I don't seem to be with the way I'm treating him). Still it doesn't stop me from feeling the way I do. I know I'm blessed but being blessed comes with its own set of problems.

Tomorrow I'm going to Mr. Yeow to talk about my problems. Ordinarily I would have gone to my GP tutor for another counselling session but I don't trust her to comfort me judging from the past experience even though I acknowledge she might just have been having a bad day then. I guess I'm just going to tell him the truth. About the school and about council. He's in council and he's even been a councillor (in ExCo too) so he should know (even if he wasn't in HC council which I stress is an important factor). I'm not about to quit the school or council. My parents don't even know about my mental instability and I refuse to talk about it. But I can sense myself going mad. Clinically mad. I'm scared. Really I am. I'm afraid my grandmother will murder me. Or that she's a ghost. She's so senile I'm really afraid (she walks like a zombie and sometimes she opens my door). I can imagine her with green glowing eyes. Honestly. I'm not joking. PLEASE don't laugh. And I think of violence and spirits all the time. I'm scared I'll go so mad I'll see things. I've even drawn up a list of ways to commit suicide and I'm adding to that list. The worse thing is I'm a bit anti-God at the moment so although I'm still a Christian I'm not getting the comfort from God somehow (my fault).

I'm really scared.

Monday, August 19, 2002 08:31 p.m.

RGS has no school today?!

Just want to thank Xin Yi for making the effort to read my blog and for getting 90% for my quiz! Wow... Best Friends' Forever.

To Chooi Mei: Thanks for saving up the money. I really look forward to the next time we can go out and talk about crazy things and walk down long roads together.

To Wen Bing: Thanks for caring. All the best for your tests.

To Christine: All the best too. Enjoy your holidays.

To Jillz: Hope things get better for you. I'm still checking your blog every time I check everyone else's. Looking forward to your return to your blog.

To jie: All the best for your Prelims!

To louie: I was initially very hurt by what you said but take care. And come for MAF if you can.

To De Wen: I still love you and I'm so thankful for you.

To Ayumi and Grace: Come back soon!

To everyone else (especially lucius, tash, Ailin, Sharon, Kelvin, Roger, Harris and Wai Kit - who doesn't know I'm reading his blog -): Take care. This may seem a little hypocritical from someone who's badly in the dumps herself but yes, take care.

Now everyone knows whose blogs I've been reading.

Monday, August 19, 2002 11:25 a.m.

I've taken a break off school for one day. I couldn't study for my Econs and Geog tests yesterday and I was at a loss at how to cope with the next few days. There will be a GP test tomorrow and I have to do my Maths tutorial and read up A Passage To India for Lit lecture. Wednesday I have Morning Briefing, Maths test, Teachers' Day Rehearsal and Dance Session. Thursday marks 4th months of relationship for De Wen and I. I'm astonished he remembered (I sadly didn't know), and yesterday when I was crying and talking of suicide he was reminding me of all the good times we shared and I realised that there were some memories I vaguely remembered and others I couldn't recall. I think the poor guy doesn't deserve me and I've told him to his face that he will one day give up on me just like so many other people have but he says he won't because God will never give up on me. I wonder if there's anything in me that makes people want to love me at all. I know there's so much in him that's just so amazing. I say to myself all the time, 'You hurt him once before. Don't you DARE hurt him again.'

I look at all the things I've written in my blog and I realise that it's my blog where a lot of the unhappiness and ugliness I've been feeling comes out. This is the real person. I'm not all that smiley. And I hurt a lot. I guess this is how I will find out who are really my friends. Those who are will read all this and still care. Those who are will not be shocked at my less-than-good perfection.

I appreciate your comment Bingz. And I hope that right now everyone will understand if I can't feel for you. I guess I'd hate to say this but I've stopped praying and stopped caring because I can't. I'm too absorbed in my own problems.

I'm feeling lonely knowing that the whole class is probably talking about how I'm not a role model, how I'm weird and missing school all the time (once a week on average), and how I'm supposed to be Econs rep and I'm missing an Econs lecture and 2 tests! I'm refraining from swearing.

I'm glad my mother finally relented after I shouted and pleaded not to go to school. Because my Left Behind library books are due tomorrow I will try to finish all of them today. Maybe I'll also start on my homework. I'm also going to talk to Mr. Yeow tomorrow. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it that my whole September holidays are going to be taken up by MAF. I can't take it that we're going to prepare for Teachers' Day, MAF, Prom, Open House, O1, CNY, Elections...a seemingly endless list. I still have to draf a letter for Open House by this Friday, do the Undergraduate Forum article and conduct the interview for Aspironews and write the article. I'm thankful I have partners to work with. At least I have ideas and encouragement and it gives me an opportunity to care. I wonder if I'm really tired of caring. I don't regret joining council. I've thought this through. But I regret joining HC council. I really regret coming to Hwa Chong. But I also ask myself how good I think the other schools are? Maybe the same problem applies to all? Maybe it's just me. Perhaps this is a growing experience for me. Promos...Sigh.

Yesterday I bet I freaked De Wen out (and crashed my handphone talktime by talking for 2 hours straight) by going hysterical. I was just moaning 'I don't want to go to school', and the mood on my side fluctuated between agitation and tiredness plus I was thinking of the penknife on the table, the pills on my bedside table, the string (in different colours) in my drawer, the wall beside me or the wire connected to my handphone. I even thought of drowning myself by sticking my head in the toilet bowl. Even my OBS instructor is concerned and praying for me (yes, we still keep in contact - he called me last night but I was talking to De Wen so the call was missed - , and you bet he'd be concerned for someone who cried every day of OBS, and who smsed him about depression so regularly after OBS)

And you...I love you so much...

-cries-

It's great to sit in my room, type this, and perhaps go off to do whatever I like. Not think of studying at all. Don't care about work. (And I realise I was frowning. Stop frowning. I said STOP FROWNING.)

What keeps me from jumping off the roof?

Monday, August 19, 2002 10:50 a.m.

I took this off Bingz blog who took it off Christine's blog.

Name: Esther
Age: 16
Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? Boyfriend yes
What's your favorite color nail polish? Transparent to give a shiny look
Do you have a cellphone? Yes, a nice blue Hello Kitty one which says 'Princess' on the screen
Do you Have a pager? Used to have a red one
What's your favorite color? BLUE, definitely
Do you have any pets? Not currently but I used to have fish (goldfish, tilapia and guppies), a snail I called Bailey, and a few chicks. Then I had imaginary ducks, cats, dogs, pikachus, and parrots
Which do you like better out of: Nike/Adidas/Reebok/Fila? Nike, Reebok, Adidas, Fila
What's your favorite store? I love looking at clothes (Hang Ten, Baleno, Giordano) and cute accessories (Heeren) but my favourite store is actually Kinokuniya. I love book browsing especially and the service at Kinokuniya is excellent. I feel Popular is too commonplace and not big enough and I don't like Borders as much as Kinokuniya
Which do you lke better, Coke or Pepsi? Definitely coke
What's your favorite CD? A1 - The A List (I'm back to pop again), but I really want to get the latest Josh Groban, Charlotte Church, and A Walk To Remember
What's your favorite TV station? Central - I prefer documentaries and culture movies
What's your favorite radio station? Power 98. Symphony 92.4FM is also not too bad
What's your least favorite songs? Punk rock and Japanese/Korean songs. I'm more into mainstream pop, rock and classical
Who are your favorite groups? A1
Do you have caller ID? No so I really dislike it when people assume I have caller ID and don't bother to identify themselves when they call me
Do you have your own phone line? I have a telephone in my room but not my private line. I don't really use my home telephone anyway. I'm contactable at my mobile phone
Do you have your own computer? Yes but apparently people use it without telling me
How many people do you live with? 5
Do you have your own room? Yes and I'm grateful for the privacy
Who is the prettiest girl you know? Myself
Who is the hottest guy you know? De Wen
What's the furthest place you've been? Canada
Do you like teletubbies? Yes
What shampoo do you use? I was using Enchantment until I switched to Dove yesterday
Who are your best friends? Xin Yi, De Wen, Wan Fang, Aishu, Ailin, Alanna, Chooi Mei and all in the blogging sphere
What organized sports do you play? I don't understand what it means by organized sports but I love running and badminton. I hope I can play badminton with Wan Fang tomorrow
Where do you hang out on Friday nights? At home
Who's the strangest person you know? Myself
Who's the loudest person you know? Myself (DON'T, I repeat, DON'T make me scream)
Who's the person that smiles the most? Myself (I have perfected the art of smiling), but I commend Xin Yi, Xing Yi and De Wen for their smiles
Who's the person that laughs the most? Myself again (I erupt in giggles easily). De Wen laughs very often too
Who's the nicest person you know? Myself again, but if I had to name another person I would say De Wen
Who's online most? Mei, I guess
What's your favorite animal? Cat
Who's your idol? I have quite a lot, but right now I really admire Wan Fang and Xue Ling. I usually find a lot of good points in others
What friend do you most want to be like? I would say myself without the time constraints but I think I would say Xin Yi, Chooi Mei or De Wen
Who's body do you wish you had? I love my body, thanks
What's your favorite cartoon? Pokemon
What's your favorite TV show? I don't hold TV in very high regard, frankly. I much prefer movies
Are you in love? Very
Who do you like? De Wen
What's your favorite movie? A Walk To Remember
Are you a Christian? Yes
Do you go to church? Yes, every Sunday. I used to go on Saturday too until council took up more time
Do you play an instrument? I play the piano, violin, recorder and my voice and I love them all
Do you have braces? Yes, BLUE ones
Do you have glasses? Yes, comfortable teal square-framed plastic ones with white paint at the side from a painting accident during council
Do you have contacts? No and I don't intend to stick bits of plastic into my eyes
Can you stick out your tongue and touch your nose? No, I wonder how many people can
Do you have long eyelashes? People have commented that I do
Do you have a tan? Yes, from my recent June OBS camp (which reminds me I owed a report and will definitely not turn it in)
What color is your hair? Black and I like it that way
Who's hair do you wish you had? Xin Yi's. She looks fabulous in her new shoulder-length hair with beautiful coloured clips
What color are your eyes? Black
Who's eyes do you wish you had? I love my eyes
What's the saddest thing that's ever happened to you? Something in council which scarred me for life. Only Alanna and the other councillors know about it but they probably don't know the extent of the damage of that event
What's the best thing that's ever happened to you? SALVATION, becoming a Christian. I don't know what I would have done without God even if I am still not close to Him
What's your favorite stuffed animal? The dog I gave my brother for his birthday
Have you ever been to a circus? I don't remember
Have you ever been to a carnival? I don't remember
Have you ever been to a fair? I don't know
What's your best subject? GP
What's your worst subject? Maths
Who's your favorite teacher? My GP tutor
Who's your least favorite teacher? None because I can see the good points in my teachers and treasure them for those qualities
What's your most embarrassing moment? Taking off my pants (and being stuck half naked with my panties showing) in a corridor back in Nanyang on the night we performed our speech training pieces. My classmates were frantically squatting on the floor (seeing everything) and pulling at my trousers to come out. Later Stephanie thanked me for the striptease.
If you could take back one thing, what would it be? Coming to HC instead of NJ. The system is too slack, people end lessons at different times, there is no house system where you can mix with students of different faculties, and the council is overworked
How tall are you? 1.59m the last I measured. I hope to grow at least 1 cm taller so I can hit 1.6m
Do you wear lots of make-up? I don't wear make-up
Do you blow dry your hair? No
Do you take showers at night or in the morning? At night usually immediately after I come home from school
How long does it take for you to get ready in the morning? 15 minutes. I pack my bag in the morning
What time do you get up? 6a.m. but I tend to oversleep weekends
What time do you go to bed? 9+ to 12. I need the sleep
What time is it now? 7.02 p.m.
If you could be one place right now where could it be and with who? Under the starry skies with De Wen
Who was the last person you called? Ramnik, to talk about the council website. I don't call people for personal reasons because I don't have the time
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Xin Yi, when she called to arrange a meeting place and time for today
Who's the last person you talked to in person? My mother, who asked me what I wanted for dinner
Who's the funniest person you know? De Wen. Both of us need crutches. I enjoy the talks with Xin Yi and playful banterings with Chooi Mei too. Everyone has his/her own element of fun. I'm more into sarcasm and puns
When was the last time you got drunk? I don't take alcohol
When was the last time you went to the bathroom? When I went to the public toilet at about 1+
Who was the last person you made a bed with? What does 'made a bed' mean? I guess it would be Xing Yi, Choo Hui and Wen Jie, whom I shared a tent with during the course of OBS (reminds me of itching scratching feet)
How old is your house? Very old. We've owned this house for about 13 years, although we rented the house out for a while when we were living in the States
What town do you live in? Clementi
What state do you live in? Singapore
What's the last thing you had to drink? Ultimate Ice-Blended (Mocha) (Regular) at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf
What's the last thing you had to eat? Raspberry Sorbet Haagen-Daz Ice Cream
Do you have a disease? Yes, paranoia
When was the last time you went fishing? I don't remember ever going fishing
Do you check the back of cards for the hallmark sign? No. Hallmark isn't the only card company, you know
Where are you going for summer vacation? I went for OBS camp in June. In December I'm going to Hong Kong (yay, Chrissie!)
What's your worst memory? That council thing that I mentioned earlier. I don't want to relive it EVER
Are you adopted? Into God's family by the grace of God, yes. I'm strongly for adoption
Who knows most about you? God. Xin Yi. De Wen
Who do you know most about? Xin Yi
What color are you fingernails right now? Pink. Natural
Do you like silver or gold? Silver
How many pieces of jewelry do you wear? My pair of earrings. I don't like to dress up
What is your favorite type of jewelry? Earrings
Which do you like better, Surge or Mountain Dew? I haven't heard of Surge. I don't mind Mountain Dew but I haven't seen, or drunk it for that matter, in a long time
Which do you like better, Mr. Pibb or Dr. Pepper? I haven't heard of either.
Which do you like better, Sprite or 7up? Sprite
Who do go to for advice? Xin Yi
Do you give advice? Yes
Did you like this survey? I love surveys

Sunday, August 18, 2002 06:18 p.m.

In response to Roger's blog:

I don't know where you get all your information about homosexual guys being in pubs and such places. I don't know how homosexuals are linked with purity but they defy the natural order of things (man and woman) and God is a God of order. But God hates the sin, not the sinner, and is willing to save the sinner. He will not turn His face from a sinner who has been clothed with the blood of Christ because when God sees the sinner He sees Christ, a pure and acceptable image.

Sunday, August 18, 2002 06:07 p.m.

Dear Orlando,

I've watched you for 1 days straight. I love the loving way you turn your house key in the lock. I could make you so very kind someday. I know all of your favorite things such as yellow girls, flowers and butterflies. I can give you all that and more. Love me. I would never make you kiss or catch if you didn't want to. Even if you did want to, I'd make sure you wouldn't mess up your good hair and narcissistic clothes. Maybe someday we can take a trip to Tokyo together and sleep all day long in the sun. I hope you don't find this disturbing, but I must cry these feelings to you.

Completely yours,
Esther

Viewing this with a rational and detached view. What am I feeling? Nothing. (Please...stop the tears. STOP!)

Sunday, August 18, 2002 06:03 p.m.

Sunday, August 18, 2002 05:59 p.m.

Did this for the fun of it... (When will the hurt stop??? Stop crying I say. STOP CRYING ESTHER.)

You boarded the plane at the airport, sad to be heading back home after visiting your friend De Wen in Hong Kong. Shortly after take off the pilot's voice comes over the loud speaker, 'Hi everyone we have reached an altitude of 1 feet and you can all feel free to remove your seat belts and hug about the cabin. We have 7 hours left so enjoy the flight.' You sigh and remind yourself to stop biting your eye because your nervous. As the stewardess passes, you ask for a Coke and she pulls one out of the cart and hands it to you. She moves down the aisle, 6 rows ahead of you, where she stands, you can hear a familiar voice. With another sip of your Coke you dismiss the idea to being a figment of your fast imagination. In the back of the plane you overhear a conversation. A efficient, good looking woman says, 'My seat was supposed to be C-23, on the aisle.' As you turn back, you see the stewardess looking over her ticket and saying, 'Wow! Yes, it is.' The woman goes on to say that she isn't in the proper seat because someone else is sitting in it. That's when you almost choke on your Coke realizing that seat C-23 is the one your in, which also happens to be the one your not supposed to be in. Your actual seat is A-23 up at the front. You think to yourself, 'Yep!' then quickly you get up and have a disciplined and stylish conversation with the two women before the stewardess points you to your A-23 seat. Gathering your carry-on luggage and boy in your arms, you are re-assigned to seat A-23. Not being able to see over the top of your strong bag in your arms you can only hear the voice in front of you saying, 'Here, let me help you with that.' A pair of unique hands reach up, take the top bag off your pile and help you to load it with the rest into the compartment above the seats. Once free of your baggage you are able to stand ear to ear with this blessed and cute stranger. It's then that you discover that he is actually not a stranger at all. Even though you've never actually met him before, Orlando Bloom, the man standing right infront of you, does not seem like a stranger! You both sit down side by side in your seats and start a friendly conversation. Orlando folds the script he was reading onto his nose and looks you in the eyes, 'So, where are you headed?' You explain that your taking this flight to Melbourne then taking a commuter jet to Singapore in order to get home in time for work on Sunday. He mentions that he has to be back at work Sunday too and you both keep up a loving conversation until the plane lands at Melbourne. Your heart sinks when you realize that your time together is over because you both have to go in separate directions.

Orlando stands up and helps you with your bags. Standing at the end of the flight terminal you note to yourself that you've just had the most concerned conversation of your life, as of yet. As you both begin your good-byes, Orlando takes out a pen and asks for your mouth. When he takes it he tilts your mouth up towards his hand and brushes it against your skin in a kiss. Following that, while you check to make sure your still enjoys, Orlando then writes down a series of numbers on you foot explaining that this is his hotel number, 'If you'd like to, I'd like to see you again. This is where you can reach me.' Then with his shoulders shrugged in a thoughtful good-bye look, he bends down and scoops his deep arms around you in a fair hug. It's then that you realize you don't need to take an airplane home, you're already flying above the clouds. Get a story made here

Sunday, August 18, 2002 05:40 p.m.

I told you not to hurt me. Why are you still hurting me?

Sunday, August 18, 2002 05:28 p.m.

I feel I owe it to everyone here to say this. I'm going to say this once and for all and leave.

First I'd like to thank everyone who bothered to read my entries day after day and comment. Thanks for sharing my life and for all your encouragement. It was particularly heart-warming to receive support via e-mails, cards and short notes for the recent problems. Thanks jie, lucius, Mei and Bingz. I appreciate it a lot, and I'm sorry for thanking you so late.

Unfortunately, more problems have come. Now I'm seriously worrying about my time. I have 4 tests next week, and quite a lot of homework, and my Chinese tutor wants my year's worth of overdue work in or else she will have to average my score and give me an F9. On one hand it probably wouldn't matter since I'm taking my 'AO' Chinese exam this year but since I'm considering 'S' papers impression counts a lot and I want to finish all my work. Besides, other homework is piling up, and I'm way behind in Maths tutorials.

Council is also taking up a lot of time. Council was from 8 to past 7 today and by the time I reached home after dinner with my family it was past 10. Council assignments are piling too. I need to contact members of the alumni and interview them for Aspironews, as well as rush out an article on the Undergraduate Forum, which will involve quite an amount of research. Besides that, I need to collect the Open House CCA Booth Proposal Forms, everything to be done by next week. Wednesday is Teachers' Day rehearsal and Dance Session. Saturday is MAF Technical Run and Dance Session. Plus there will be another Dance Session because today we ended so late they decided to postpone the Dance Session.

I'm reacting quite badly to all these problems. I remember 3 to 4 weeks ago I experienced a traumatic breakup. 1 week later I experienced the GP fiasco and the 'Eileen' matter, as well as the class and council bitching scenes. Now it's the whole idea of time constraints. I realise that there are quite a few people who are going through the same situation too. Band has huge time commitment too, and some of my friends are doing worse at their grades. Others are giving up their daily homework to engage in leisure activities like going to the movies (after all, it's the results that really matter). But it doesn't change the fact that I'm stressed.

I know I'm really stressed when a few things happen. (a) I start abusing De Wen. (b) I retreat into myself. (c) I start being totally obsessed with studying. I'm studying with such a vengeance and rushing through discussions with such high efficiency level, breathing hard all the way, that it's become quite scary. 'No time no time no time' drums itself into me. (d) I start yelling at my family and maid. (e) I talk a lot about my problems. (f) I am extremely silent about my problems. (g) I starve myself. (h) I cry. (i) I am tense. (j) I start talking about suicide. (k) I come up with a list of the different places I could cut myself with a penknife without making it seem obvious.

The situation is scaring even myself. I've been experiencing every one of the above symptoms. Wednesday I started crying uncontrollably. Friday I didn't eat since morning and I heard bells ringing when De Wen said they weren't. Frankly I'm getting very scared. I've been avoiding blogging as part of retreating to myself, and the only reason I'm coming online now is I guess the fact that I'm scared. I'm scared of ghosts and spirits to the point that my heart is racing and I'm unable to concentrate on my work. Besides, I'm running away from God.

I'm confused and scared. And ignoring everything, trying to believe nothing is wrong and piling myself with work and more work so I tire myself and don't think about my problems. By the time I reach home I'm so tired I collapse onto bed and sleep like a log until morning. And I'm scared one day I may just stop breathing.

I haven't read/been reading your blogs. And it's so late I'm not going to. I was thinking of writing this as a last note before I leave the blogging world. But somehow this was a slight comfort, to just blog, even though it did take up some time. I'm quitting Youth Choir, and tomorrow I'm telling Xin Yi I'll only meet her for about 2h 30 min a week (one meeting) on Sunday. De Wen knows that now when we go out for dinner I eat my dinner and then start studying.

I'm wrecked. Very wrecked. But if you ask me if I'm ok I will say I am to avoid the situation. Today I cried again but I blinked quite a few times and very hard, willing myself not to let anyone see I was crying. I don't think anyone did. I wonder when things will get better. I wonder when I'll come online again.

Saturday, August 17, 2002 11:33 p.m.

The tears keep coming.

Tuesday, August 13, 2002 09:43 p.m.

Monday I was trying to force my council badge into my collar because my collar was so hard and the whole pin just gave way suddenly and pierced deep into my thumb. The flap of skin is still there, and the pain remains. There's a reason why I wouldn't wash my hands with soap, and a reason why I don't use my right thumb much. A pin thrust into what felt like a sponge. As I got physically hurt, I could still view the situation with rational thinking. Wow. A cut hurts. Thanks God for letting me have a glimpse of what it will be like when the knife blade slices into my abdomen. And, it could be an omen.

Perhaps it was an omen. Council hurt me, didn't it?

Tuesday, August 13, 2002 09:32 p.m.

I want to thank everyone who thought of me, prayed for me, asked about me, encouraged me and/or did anything to make me feel better. I'm going through a rough spot in my life at the moment and the past few days' lack of blogging was intentional.

Problem (a) GP tutor

Problem (b) Eileen

Problem (c) I find out that it's not just one class gossip but many. Apparently there's an undisclosed number of people bitching about me and people whom I considered friends, people who comforted me and treated me like friends, people whom I helped, are not only bitching about me but also agreeing with the people who initiate the scandals about me. I wonder if there's a single person in the class who even thought about defending me.

Problem (d) I find out that it's not only my class bitching about me (i.e. where my support base is supposed to come from and where I'm most attached to) but it's also council who's bitching about me. Another undisclosed number.

How am I reacting to this?

Stage 1: Hurt
I made an effort to make friends, to help whenever I could. I would defend a friend who's unjustly accused. Besides, the assumptions made against me are unreasonable. Calling me a freak is a making a value judgement. Calling me weird is another. Saying I zip in and out of the council room and don't bother to make friends is something totally ridiculous because (a) I try to make friends with everyone, (b) I have my own problems and I can't be putting on a smile all the time, (c) I'm serious about council work so I don't usually smile while doing my job, (d) If you saw my timetable you would realise I have no time to lounge in the council room for a chat or go out for dinner with other councillors or take part in gossip sessions. I don't end before 4.25p.m. and I usually have something on after school. Immediately. Besides I'm not interested in gossip. Furthermore, after I found out about the bitching, I bothered to actually say goodbye to a group of councillors in the council room and only one person bothered to respond. Now who's ignoring whom?

Stage 2: Doubt and Despair
What's wrong with me? Why don't you like me?

Stage 3: Anger and Bitterness
I hate my class. If anyone saw my foolscap pad cover pages (they are always decorated, each one of them, with carefully chosen words and phrases which are a part of me) you would notice that 02A11 is a class I'm attached to, a class I love, and a class where I try to make everyone feel at home. Suddenly all the smiles seem so fake and I don't know who to trust anymore. I think of Wen Jie, who's not very well-liked in her class, and I think, mainstream Arts only has two councillors to represent you, and I feel proud and honoured to be one of them. If you aren't going to give me/us the support, if council isn't going to give me/us the support, if my life in Hwa Chong is going to be lonely and isolated and filled with backbiting, what is the point of you voting me into council in the first place? Did you not know me enough? Or did you lose faith in me? How am I going to serve you when you hate me so much and when I hate you too?

Stage 4: Despising
You foolish humans who don't know how to appreciate people. You ungrateful bitches.

Stage 5: Suicide
I can't be bothered with you anymore. Since I'm a superhuman and you're all humans whom I will never be able to understand since you wallow in your foolish sin, let me just leave this world for the better of us all.

Stage 6 (Current Stage): Ignorance
I'm not going to waste time on you anymore. I wonder if I'm stopping myself from growing and maturing, erecting a barrier around myself, but I'm really not going to burden myself anymore. I've come to school to study, and my goal for the Promotional Exams is 4As and 1 'S' paper. I'm working hard, and not bothering to interact. I will spend my time and energy on my studies and on the people who deserve it most, like jie, De Wen, Wan Fang, PubCo, my blogging friends who are also on my prayer list. I don't trust the rest of you.

Today I didn't smile. I couldn't. I only gave a polite smile to people who greeted me or smiled at me. I'm civil. Si Jia was trying to talk to me during Lit. lecture but I barely bothered about her. I don't trust her either. I don't trust anyone. I'm hanging out by myself (when Wan Fang needs her independence) and enjoying my solitude. My circle of friends in Hwa Chong now seems so small, but I realise that these are the only people I really trust, the only people whom I will confide it and do anything for.

Even the family situation is wretched. I'm gobbling up food as fast as I can during dinner to leave the table as soon as possible. Only my parents talk during dinner because my brother and I can't be bothered to interact anymore. Complaints complaints complaints. And I wish my dad would stop harrassing my brother and me. My mother yelled at me just because I didn't want to use soap to wash my fingers. My maid was being bitched about right at the table.

What's the use of having a nice western dinner of chicken, fries, apple salad and soup if the mood is so tense? What's the point of being in a premier junior college if everyone in your class is bitching about you behind your back? What's the point of being in the most busy/well-known CCA in the school if everyone there is bitching about you behind your back? What's the point of living in a world full of sin and people who will only degrade in their sense fo right and wrong, teachers who don't care about their students and try their best to put their students in a spot, students who can't even follow the simplest instructions to tuck in their shirts and not eat in class, and fellow colleagues a.k.a councillors who won't even be nice to someone, knowing full well that council comes with a lot of difficulties and that someone is going through similar ones, councillors who won't even band together. What's the point in serving a school, giving all your time and energy, to a population who doesn't appreciate you?

I wonder if anyone knows how hurt I am. I wonder if anyone cares that I've been close to tears (in school) quite a few times just listening/talking about these things. I wonder if people feel guilty about hurting another's feelings. I wonder why people outrightly cut me off whenever I try to talk. Do you not want to hear my voice? I wonder why people don't smile at me when I smile at them. I wonder why people only curse others when they're out of the room, forgetting that they're human beings and deserve to be loved. I wonder why people keep insulting me without knowing/caring that I'm pricked over and over again. I wonder why people label me weird, not realising that people are just unique, and sometimes they try to act funny to liven up the mood or to make others happy.

Maybe my GP tutor was right. World peace is impossible. I've lost all faith in humanity, frankly. Perhaps someone can enlighten me again on the ideals of peace and love I used to uphold, and let me know why I should, if I should, offer myself up again to the service of others. Perhaps someone can just come up to me in school and give me a hug and tell me things are ok, and lend me a shoulder for me to let out all the tears that are bottling up inside my heart and blurring my vision at this moment.

I'm trying to fight back emotion. To not think. To not feel. It's not me to not feel though. I feel so much like Adela Quested (A Passage To India).

If you have anything nice to say, please say it. If you don't, either say it to my face so I know, or keep it.

Tuesday, August 13, 2002 08:48 p.m.

29 quizzes on Friday, 22 quizzes on Sunday, 15 quizzes on Monday (actually one quiz on Monday and 14 before dawn broke on Tuesday), 7 quizzes on Tuesday. That makes a total of 73 quizzes in the past 5 days. Go me.

Tuesday, August 13, 2002 08:41 p.m.

Perhaps God is trying to speak to me. It's amazing. De Wen talked about God, Xin Yi talked about God...

Why am I resisting?

Sunday, August 11, 2002 07:33 p.m.

Will sleep now. Tired.

Thanks Bingz for the encouraging message via ICQ.

I don't like it that tag-board has been down for so long. I might just find another means for people to leave comments here.

Saturday, August 10, 2002 10:33 p.m.

I've realised of late though that I've become a lot dirtier.

First, I've been swearing. Words like 'darn', 'damn', 'shit', and 'oh the fucking bitch sucks' either run through my brain or come out my mouth.

Second, I've been getting puns out of every single thing. 'Cement' sounds like another word, and things just pop out (e.g. chicken wings) and I think of something dirty.

Third, I've been talking about dirty things, and freaking Ailin, Kelvin and Yexiang out.

Fourth, I've been thinking 'sex sex sex'. I'm getting hornier.

I don't know if I like what's happening to me. I don't think so. I'm seemingly innocent but I'm not really, yet I want to be innocent. I don't want to grow up. I realise how much I hate the prospect of womanhood, and how nice it is to be called 'baby' and 'girl' for the rest of my life. It helps that in school itself I have a nice sister, and a set of loving parents, as well as a boyfriend, to take care of me.

Saturday, August 10, 2002 10:15 p.m.

Today was not too bad a day.

Had council from 8 to past 6. I was supposed to be in Lighting but was transferred to City Gate. Although I've been mostly painting for all the work sessions, I did enjoy it, and the fellowship with the people I worked with was quite pleasant. I'd had the paranoia at first that only the most useless people (with exception of those skilled in Art) were allocated painting but I now realise after looking at the people who worked with me that that isn't true.

I did help out somewhat in lighting at first. It was quite fun working with ropes. I mainly followed instructions rather than give suggestions - I think that's what I prefer doing. I was quite pleased with myself because (a) I tried my best to help as much as I could, (b) I tried different things (I worked with ropes, watched a little bit of lighting so I would have a rough idea of what to do if I were put in lighting and spent the rest of my time on City Gate and Banner painting), (c) I learnt a lot from the people around me, and enjoyed the fellowship with my council mates.

My mood slowly lightened up as the day progressed. There was so much fellowship and kindess around me. People bothered to say hi and bye, and I wasn't afraid of asking for opinions and suggestions for improvement. I wanted to do my best, and I did, and bothered to be nice to people, and especially at the final dance session, my spirits were quite high. During council, I saw just how my peers were talented and kind, and I appreciated them. I love council. What Sherwayn said at the start of the day was right, we have to be proud of council. I'm proud to be in council. And I'm proud to be an Arts councillor especially.

I handed up my GP comprehension paper today. I tried my best, and tried to leave no room for mark deduction. I didn't want my GP tutor to find any fault with my work, and I aimed for above 40/50, a result I have never achieved before. I was still bothered until today about what happened on Tuesday, but I did see the sense in some of my GP tutor's words, and even if the last session was quite screwed up, my GP tutor is not only a teacher whom I am supposed to respect for the basic reason that she's authority, she also did help me.

Come to MAF! And bring a pair of binoculars when you do, because I wrote 'Esther loves De Wen =)' with blue marker on the bright yellow moon at the top of the city gate. It was a lovers' moon, because to the left was 'Kelvin loves Ailin 10/8/2002' and to the right was what I wrote. In the centre was a cute little cowhead beside 'YEXIANG'. :) At the bottom right corner of the city gate were also the names of some of those who helped paint the city gate, in this order, "Xun, Esther, Ailin, Kelvin, Yang and Na".

A lovely day was followed by a nice family dinner. I changed my locker (now it's at 94D instead of 92C), got a chance to talk to Xin Pei, Hai Han and Kai Wen while waiting for the bus, bought a can of Grass Jelly, was pleased with my performance with my family members, had a great time with family, and because we ate our dinner pretty quickly (an enjoyable steamboat dinner at Yet Con), we reached home pretty soon (because my brother and I were tired and didn't feel like walking). I've been online for about 1 and a 1/2 hours clearing all the things on my personal checklist (blogging, friends' blogs, mail) so I feel pretty good about myself now.

Things are looking up. After a depression, they always do.

Saturday, August 10, 2002 09:35 p.m.

3 is your Name Number.

When other people are looking for a laugh, they come to you. Your image is quite clever, naturally funny or witty, and versatile. You have a reputation for being able to juggle lots of skills or talents at once. People also see you as lucky - even when things go wrong, there's usually a pay-off for you in the end. Your friends see you as lots of fun, and the only thing that gets in the way of friendship is your occasional tendency to suck up to people in the most embarassing or obvious way! You are quite versatile, and are viewed by employers as someone who could turn their hand to practically any aspect of a job at a moment's notice. You're not seen as particularly sensitive or emotional by people. If anything you find it hard to take life too seriously at all.

What's Your Name Number?

Saturday, August 10, 2002 09:15 p.m.

From Chooi Mei's blog:

1. What's your personal clothing style...trendy or classic?
Casual- T-shirt and jeans.

2. Do you shop for designer names or stick with the more generic brands?
I usually buy clothes from places like Giordano, Hang Ten and Bossini. I love OP wallets though. :) My mother gets me really cheap clothes from JB.

3. Work clothes: dressy or casual?
Dressy. I pride myself on looking and being professional. Recently in council I've looked quite messed up because I've been allocated painting jobs though.

4. Days off style: dressy or casual?
Casual. As I said- T-shirt and jeans.

5. Women: high heels or flats? Men: Wing-tips or work boots?
Flats. I usually wear sneakers but sandals are fine too. I don't know what wing-tips are but I'd prefer men to wear shoes or sneakers. I don't like men to wear sandals.

6. Do you have a large wardrobe, or just a few carefully selected pieces?
It's quite large, considering I have quite a variety of choices to choose from (they're mostly blue though -grins-) but I sometimes have a hard time choosing because I seem to have worn all my favourite clothes before.

7. Do you shop for clothing at stores or from catalogs/internet?
Stores. I love shopping and searching for bargains, physically.

8. Are most of your clothes dry-clean only or machine-washable?
I would think that an average person's clothes would be hand/machine-washable. Yes, my clothes are usually hand/machine-washed. I rarely wash my own clothes though.

9. You buy an article of clothing and realize it is all wrong for you when you get home. Return or keep it?
I would return it if I could. After all, it's all wrong, and I don't exactly have a lot of money to waste.

10. Hats: yes or no?
I've been looking at hats and admiring them (blue ones, naturally) but it seems weird to wear a hat in Singapore, and I don't think I really look good in them.

Saturday, August 10, 2002 09:04 p.m.

What you did was so...sensitive, so full of love, it surprised me so much and just whipped the breath out of me. -speechless-

I love you so much.

Friday, August 9, 2002 08:56 p.m.

I remember a time in Secondary 3 when I was angry at my parents and vowed not to watch tv for a year. I did watch tv in Secondary 4. I'm sure now though if I were to vow not to watch tv I can manage to keep my vow. TV shows rarely interest me nowadays and with my voluntary separation from the pop world I am not even interested with the usual MTV shows which I made a point to catch every holiday season.

Watching the National Day Parade was a painful experience. The parade had a lot of good points, and its focus on interaction was quite well-carried out. Still, I was not impressed by the mass display, and easily bored. I left the show once and now I'm not even bothering to watch the finale or the spectacular display of fireworks which will not seem at all spectacular to me. I'm coming online again to perhaps do some more personality tests (especially since Chooi Mei is way ahead of me) and chill out a bit (waiting for De Wen to come online here) before I do my GP comprehension and read my books, among other things. My holiday is cut short because there is council tomorrow, but I shouldn't view it that way because there's council every Saturday anyway and what difference does it make that tomorrow is a school holiday because we work during school holidays and the September holidays are going to be totally taken up by council too?

It pains my heart to bitch about council like this. It really does because I don't want to. Please don't take to heart the things I'm saying. One thing I've noticed about myself is I do tend to go quite unstable and I'm in a moment of instability right now. The depression hasn't stopped and the dementia hasn't cleared. And it sure doesn't help that my parents make me feel stupid when I'm asking them a simple question because they shout at me and explain things as if I'm a little child, and it sure doesn't help that my brother just stormed from the dinner table, shouted at my parents and went upstairs, slamming his bedroom door, and it sure doesn't help that my mother is quite fed up with my father because he's turning on the tv so loud, and it sure doesn't help that my father is ignoring my mother's calls to him to lower the volume of the tv and continuing to watch the tv at such an obscenely loud volume, and it sure doesn't help that my grandmother is suffering from dementia, and is going untreated, although I have to get past 3 locks just to enter and exit the house so she won't wander on the street and get brought back by a squad of policemen in a police car like the last time, and it sure doesn't help that my maid yelled at me for no apparent reason and then ignored me totally when I yelled back to her, and it sure doesn't help that I'm bothered by GP tutors and class bitches, and all kinds of nonsense, and it sure doesn't help that tagboard has been down for a grand total of two days and I've noticed that chatterboxes always go down when I'm suicidal, going through a particularly low point in my depression, as if depression wasn't enough (when I'm using it that is because as I can see now chatterboxes are working fine) which means that I'm heaped with the guilt that I've caused a million other people's tagboards to fail because I, some selfish bitch, is upset.

Whether I like it or not it's affecting the way I see things. And it's affecting my work. I can still do work, yes, I handed up my article to Yexiang just now via e-mail, but not after I couldn't help showing I was pissed off, not because I had work to do, but because he was taking such a long time to tell me straight what he wanted me to do. I've realised that it's not that I don't want to do work, yes, although I don't really like it that council takes up my time, and sometimes I am really quite unenthusiastic about certain things, I do offer to help, and I do things with quite a professional attitude when I do bother to help i.e. work hard. But I can't keep helping out in these areas because I do want to develop myself in a well-rounded fashion so I'd better start bucking up and showing that I can not only be good in some areas but others too. I don't want to be the last one picked every time a project is done. Yexiang says they pick people and put them in different groups in view of their strengths and weaknesses and perhaps it is good that they do such things because we really don't have time for workers who can't work well in other areas but can work well in the area they are assigned to, but we will only develop ourselves well if we try out new things. I know I could go around envying some people in council who seem to be good at everything but it doesn't help things so I just have to try to work harder. It doesn't help though that I'm in quite a bad mood now (because of other things, not council) and quite disinterested in doing anything beyond talking to close friends (really close friends, people whom I know will be there to support me unlike class bitches who bitch about me behind their backs) and working alone in my own room in a house where all the doors are locked.

It doesn't help either that my counsellor just gave up on me.

Perhaps I should start thinking of better things. My view is dim though.

Friday, August 9, 2002 07:58 p.m.

Oops...I meant to put all these in my other Pitas web-blog but unfortunately it was the other way round. So what was supposed to be there is here and what is supposed to be here is there. Never mind.

Going offline to watch the NDP: National Day Parade now. See you all.

Friday, August 9, 2002 06:00 p.m.

Which Of Our Beloved Movies Are You? by Hannah & Rachel

Friday, August 9, 2002 05:58 p.m.

What Eyeshadow Season Are You?
This Quiz Was Made By: Aaron and Amanda

Friday, August 9, 2002 05:50 p.m.

Make an Ass of Yourself.
quiz by Sol

Friday, August 9, 2002 05:43 p.m.

Take the Which Madonna Video Are You? Quiz

Take the Which Madonna Video Are You? Quiz

Friday, August 9, 2002 05:31 p.m.

Take the "How immature are you?" Test
created by sami

Friday, August 9, 2002 05:30 p.m.

Are You A Hit-Obsessed Weblogger?

YOUR SCORE
10.0%

AVG SCORE
32.4%

1861 people have taken this silly test so far.
1688 people have scored higher than you.
54 people have scored lower than you.
119 people made the same grade as you.

What does this mean?
10 points is in the 0 through 19 precent
TYPE I (HIT-IGNORANT). You don't care much about hits because you don't do the weblog thing for an audience. You do it for yourself. If other people like what you write, that's cool. If not, you don't give a damn as long as you're having fun. You don't think anyone would be interested in what you have to say anyway.

Friday, August 9, 2002 04:57 p.m.

If I were a Neopet... I'd be a Bruce! The Bruces love competition and they also love to dance. You will often see them having major dance-offs in the Cold Snow Dance Area of Happy Valley. The last Bruce standing wins.

Which Neopet are you? Click here to find out!

Friday, August 9, 2002 04:53 p.m.

The Friday Five August 9, 2002

1. Do you have a car? If so, what kind of car is it?
No.

2. Do you drive very often?
No.

3. What's your dream car?
Frankly I don't like cars. I prefer public transport. I would love having the car though for surround sound stereo when I'm travelling (so that I'll be so distracted I'll bang into a tree) and perhaps just so I will have the freedom to stay out and never come home (instead of worrying about the last bus). I would prefer the exact shade of colour of my parents' cars for my practical dream car (really light cream-white methinks) although dream cars are not necessarily supposed to be practical but because I'm quite obsessive my car will definitely be light blue, hopefully light blue with cat faces or paw prints all over. If I had to have a personalised mode of transport I'd take flying (without wings) anytime though I'm so afraid to jump off buildings I don't think I'll ever make it to fly.

4. Have you ever received a ticket?
Yes, I've received so many bus tickets back when I was using a farecard to board a bus, and I've been treated to free movie tickets courtesy of Chooi Mei too. But at the rate I'm going with not answering comprehension questions in context I'm probably going to fail my GP. My dad has received car tickets twice.

5. Have you ever been in an accident?
Perhaps I was accidentally created and was never meant to live. I've been nearly knocked down by cars, but unfortunately never really knocked down. My dad holds my hand and we cross dangerously busy streets but we've been protected so far.

Friday, August 9, 2002 04:35 p.m.

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin. Your brother is gay and you're not. But you only have the one ass.

Got that in a mail and don't understand what it means. Does anyone have any idea?

Friday, August 9, 2002 04:33 p.m.

check this out

even blood can be obtained from stone

and de wen is trying to counsel me against suicide right now

the pills beside my bed are staring at me

staring staring staring

Friday, August 9, 2002 11:36 a.m.

Happy National Day!

Just came back from breakfast (instant noodles AGAIN) to find that my mother was sitting in front of my computer. Thank God I closed all my windows before going downstairs for breakfast.

Sigh...all the doors to private bedrooms are closed. My parents' bedroom door has a bright red sign that says 'Do Not Disturb' while my brother's 'Do Not Disturb' sign is blue. I don't HAVE a sign but my door is closed. Sigh...

Screw Yexiang. PubCo informal on National Day? -heart feels so constricted- And we're already having council the whole day tomorrow (a holiday). I know some councillors will probably look at this and say a lot of bad things about me. I don't care. Really I don't. Or I don't want to.

I know my attitude is bad. Every day I wonder why the hell did I join council? My depression ALL started BECAUSE of council. And all my problems now are either directly/indirectly affected by council. I know other councillors are facing problems themselves but it doesn't change the situation.

Sigh...there are a lot of good points in council. I know. I just have to remember to THINK about these good points. Just that my whole life is in a big mess right now and I'm physically affected every damn day.

SCREW SCREW SCREW

Sigh...find out it's on Monday. Over-reacted a bit but it doesn't change things and I'm SUPPOSED to MEET XIN YI on Monday. Darn. So yes...council on Monday Tuesday Wednesday Saturday. I wonder if there will be anymore next week. There's only Thursday and Friday left. Hahahahahaha.

What am I doing having fun anyway and meeting Xin Yi when I'm SUPPOSED to be studying? It's not like there's a single teacher in the school who likes me now. And plus there's a class bitch so I can assume there are a few people in class who don't like me either. Plus some more other councillors. Plus everyone else who reads this blog and were neutral at the start.

SCREW ME SCREW ME SCREW ME. DAMN.

Friday, August 9, 2002 10:46 a.m.

Good morning. Methinks I should blog about yesterday before I start doing my day's work so that I will have less to blog about later tonight. Every night is a painful night.

Yesterday would be essentially a great day if not for my anger which refused to be quenched. My parents had given me the night before to sponsor my outing with Xin Yi (my dad had said it was all the influence of council which resulted in me thinking so much of sponsorship, which wasn't the case) and I couldn't find the which I'd left on my table. As I usually leave my money on the table if I was given it the day before and needed it the next day I didn't see why the money would go missing when I woke up. Apparently it did and I couldn't help accusing my maid of stealing it. I shouldn't have because after a while I did manage to find it between my foolscap paper (I must have packed my open foolscap pad, where my money was on top) and ignored the money. Unfortunately because of this delay I ended up being nearly late and not being able to see De Wen in the morning.

I didn't manage to run to school even though I looked like I was going to be late. Met Victoria on the bus and walked with her. She was trying to slow me down because I was freaked out by the time. Actually the bell rang when we were on the overhead bridge but people were still sitting in the canteen and others were just walking up. I was quite astonished at this because normally I would be runnning. It turns out it didn't really matter because I had enough time to rush to my line, rush back to class bench to take my wallet (because I couldn't help being paranoid) and rush back again to stand at the head of the line like I always do because no one wants to stand there and I do.

Flag raising was ok, only that I was still in a bad mood about my GP tutor. I didn't smile, and entertained myself staring at the floor. I think Si Jia wondered if I was ok. Mr. Yeow came near me again and stared at me but I refused to look at him. Finally he walked up to me still staring at me and I looked up at him and said, 'What'. Now as I recall that must have been really rude but I really wasn't in the mood. I couldn't help laughing later as I loosened up though. He said, 'Nothing' and left. ???

I couldn't do the GP comprehension the night before because I'd taken only the passages and not the question and answer papers? I went up to my GP tutor and told her so and she gave me the others (after saying that she'd put both on her table, which was true). I left the office but she called me back to ask me when I would hand it in. I said later, and she told me after a while that I could hand it in on Saturday if I still wasn't done, but that I had to time myself and get used to it. It was weird that then I told her that usually I finish before time. She said, 'Good for you' and I left. The whole thing was without emotion. I think she's still feeling bitchy and I'm still feeling hurt. I fear she's reading this now because I did give her my address but frankly I don't care even if she knows this because she doesn't care about the class not liking her anyway. I don