Autumn Song (7) - Starkindler

Autumn Song

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

A little update from me before I go to sleep.

Physical:
I've been ok, I guess. I took P.E. on Monday, ran 10 rounds in the hall and did a few standing broad jumps and sit and reach. It wasn't a bad exercise. However, the sickness has returned, and I've been plagued with an itchy throat, spurts of coughing and a runny nose accompanied by the usual feelings of flu. In addition, I'm really quite tired, and today was not a very good day for me because I really dislike Ms. Heng's lessons and today we had two periods of Prac Crit and another two periods of Rossetti lectures. I hope I did not annoy her by talking throughout the four periods. I was paying marginal attention. I fell asleep during certain portions of GP but my GP tutor left me alone. I just banged into something in my room as usual and my toe hurt sharply as usual, but when I looked down I was quite stunned to see liquid red blood round about half the nail. My parents showed concern, but my mother just told me to leave it alone so I dabbed it awhile, saw the streaks of blood on the tissue and on my nail, and left it alone. I've been doing quite a bit of injuring on my nails and skin. Boredom? Frustration? Both. My toes have been hurting a bit now and then. I have also been pimpling and this large pimple on the bridge of my nose has been pus-filled three times (and squeezed free of pus three times). It's quite painful during and after the squeezings/cleanings and when the shower gushes forcefully onto the pus-filled pimple too. Had to do a careful unusual washing of my face today, and be cautious of the pimple even when wearing my spectacles. Troublesome.

Emotional:
I had a small breakdown in the school canteen on Tuesday. It was regarding the fact that I hadn't finished my Econs MCQ. I had done the first 17 questions on the bus. After crying, I pushed myself to finish the MCQs until Question 34, although this time I merely found the correct answers without thinking too much on why the other options were wrong like I normally do. Ironically, yesterday's and today's Econs lessons were spent doing Data Response question 1. There's still Data Response question 2 to do, and essay. However, I managed to finish doing the MCQ (12.2) in school on Tuesday so I have been ok with my Econs work. There is still more work to do but I really want to concentrate on other things like reading blogs and reading my new Left Behind book which I've barely touched. I went out with Wan Fang to Venezia for their Waffle + Belgium Chocolate ice cream ($4.80) and then with Wenjie to Clementi where we had a great MacDonalds dinner. My friends keep my emotions in check, and my family has been really cool. I feel sad a lot, especially when I listen to Tori Amos' sad songs (A Sorta Fairytale on replay especially) and stare out the window at the beautifully melancholic golden morning sun with the cool morning air blowing at me), or when I look at certain things and I tell myself not to get my hopes too high and I don't, but I still feel disappointed when my hopes aren't realised. I wonder if I'm trying to run from my emotions. I run a lot, I know, but am I running now? If I don't face even the trivial problems, but just shrug them off as trivial, or worse and usually, hopeless, will they come back to me later in a culmination which finally erupts more destructively? I think and remember a lot, I bear grudges, and I rarely forgive myself. Most problems are unresolved. Today I was faced with a lingering feeling of mixed emotion, of sadness and pain. I wondered if it was love. I wondered if I loved De Wen. I looked at a few verses in 1 Corinthians 13. "Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." This is what love is. Do I understand what love is? I question myself frequently whether I really do love him. But today I remembered something I always believed. Love has to be worked at. And I choose to love.

Academic:
The block test results are finalised. I passed Maths!
Maths: E, Econs: E, Geog: C, Lit: D, GP: C5
I'm ok with my results. They're not fantastic, but they're ok, and I've maintained my grade or made an improvement in my weaker subjects, Maths from an O to an E, Geog from a D to a C and Lit remaining at D. Ironically, I did a lot worse in my better subjects, Econs from a B to an E and GP from a B3 to a C5. I'm a little disappointed with my Lit because I got a C for Prac Crit, which means that I probably got a D for Pinter, which I really did study very hard for (16.5 pages of full length notes, analysing possible questions) and did my best in the paper for (a really good question that I'd prepared for came out and I did my best, managing my time well too). Still, I haven't received my Pinter script yet, and my teacher said she did a line-by-line anaylsis of our scripts, plus a final comment for every script so that should be very helpful. Really glad that I passed all subjects, thank God. I don't work very hard, especially at home, so I guess I should really discipline myself, if not to work at home, then at least to work in school. Homework keeps me disciplined, but I hope it doesn't make me too stressed. I can feel myself slackening. Tomorrow's the JC2 Econs Quiz. I haven't prepared for it, kinda resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't get past the first round. I mean, what chance do I stand with the Humanities and Econs 'S' paper students around? My MCQ skills aren't fantastic either, yes I usually hit an A (even for the last block test), but it's an ok A, not a high A like many other people get and definitely not competition material. But I don't want to pull my team down I guess. I haven't been reading any out of curriculum material. I'll do a bit of reading of the Economist tomorrow I guess. I wonder if my team takes this seriously. But I've got the two top Econs students in my class in the team, with my E right at the bottom. What am I doing in it in the first place? I don't even read the papers unlike many people. God bless me.

Going to sleep now. Presidential elections in the morning, Physical Geog lecture in the morning (boring), Double period Econs tutorial after (pressurizing and stressful), GP (boring) and CT (something on social work and volunteer projects so it should be interesting but it's still a talk), 3h Welfare Service which ends at 6 (need to train the elects and I'm very awkward around them, therefore it's energy-consuming), then Econs quiz at 7.30p.m.!!! There goes my entire Wednesday. When people are dismissed at 2.15p.m. too, even the councillors.

(Kitty: Esther, stop comparing and complaining. Imp: I will only complain this once.)

God bless me.

Oh yes...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BINGXIN! =)

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:03 p.m.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

(Taken from Alanna's blog)

"Dm" the saddest chord in the history of
music, you must cry yourself to sleep every
night...

What Guitar Chord Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 04:29 p.m.

Sunday, April 27, 2003

New layout!

Thanks Chrissie for looking through the coding. :D

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:05 p.m.

Saturday, April 26, 2003

(Taken from Harris' blog)

Libra & O-Type

September 23 - October 22

Personality: You are a reserved and a calm woman but there are occasions when you vent out your frustrations. Those are the exact times you share your piece of mind with everyone. Although you have a thick skin and tend to think that things have to go according to your way, your affable charm makes up for that. You enjoy sports due to your athletic ability and fortitude.

Love Tendency: Your friendly generosity signals men to think you are approachable. Men are constantly surrounding you to the point that there'll be quite a few rumors and scandals you'll be involved in. Your interest in men never seems to end. The tendency to jump from one flower to another gives you the playgirl image.

Life: Even marriage doesn't stop you from being independent. Your great conversational and social skills make you restless to meet new people. An advice concerning your career is that you should choose an occupation that isn't highly competitive because it will deteriorate your health. A business of your own would also suit you very well, especially if it is a boutique or a hair salon.

Match

Good: Your best matches are A-type or B-type Aries, Leos and Libras and B-type Sagittarius.

Bad: Men who don't have fashion sense (e.g.: pants and slippers) and take you to dungy pizzeria are the most abhorrent creatures to you. Other people who you will not get along with are O-type Cancers, Capricorns, and Taurus because. They drive you crazy with their jealous tendencies.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:11 p.m.

Saturday, April 26, 2003

Have been crying. Actually blew up (and astonished myself) in school and cried (during Maths period and at other times too).

I'm very tired. Really. Very very exhausted. Mentally and physically. Sometimes I don't pay attention during lectures and doodle etc. but this time I was too tired and just fell asleep during Econs lecture. Have been yawning and falling asleep at certain points during Physical Geog tutorial too. I really can't help it. I'm trying to sleep. I don't even come online nowadays and when I do I only go online for a very short while. I don't even finish checking my mail. I don't read blogs. But I'm very very tired. I set my alarm clock to ring the latest possible that it can ring. I don't meet De Wen in the morning. I try not to set unrealistic times e.g. instead of setting my alarm at 3 to rush a Lit assignment I set it at 5 instead to strike a balance between doing Lit and getting enough rest. Usually I somehow wake up before the alarm rings then sleep some more until it rings. This time the alarm keeps ringing when I'm still in a very deep sleep and I am forced to wake up. I am just too tired.

Things just started crashing on me. I failed Maths. I got a C5 for GP. I got an F for my Econs essay and an overall E for Econs. I always make a B3 for GP and my average last year was a B for Econs. I really don't understand what happened this block test. I studied very hard for it. I pushed myself, yet I knew when to stop so I would have enough rest. I did my best for the paper. Yet, somehow everything just screwed up. I don't know my Lit and Geog results yet. I know I got a C for one Lit paper. I still have another one to get. It doesn't matter. My results are unacceptable. For council we have to submit every block test result. Mine looks the most horrid and I can't even say it's because I take different subjects 'cos my friends take GP, Maths and Econs too and they're getting As and Bs. It's been really hurting, when my closest friends in council come up and look at the PubCo block test results list I have and are shocked at my Econs grades. You're shocked? Well I'm shocked too. I'm shocked and disappointed, no, devastated with my grades. I worked for 4 As. No, of course I wouldn't be unhappy if I didn't get 4 As. But I didn't even meet last year's Promo results of BDDO.

To make things worse, I've been very swamped with work. Homework, homework and more homework. The worst thing is there is so much pressure in Econs (homework and pressure in class) that there's a gross imbalance in effort put in. I'm not doing my Maths homework because I simply don't have the time to do it. I don't even sleep enough for God's sake. This week alone, we did 4 essay outlines (2 questions with 2 parts each), 2 data response questions, 2 sections of MCQ and 1 essay alone. I didn't even put in my full effort for the essay outlines although I did put in a lot of effort in 1 section of MCQ and the essay. I didn't do 1 section of MCQ. I didn't finish my data response. To make things worse, I have a lot more undone Econs homework (which thankfully hasn't been discussed in class). I have 2 more MCQ sections (excluding the one I haven't done) and a lot more tutorial questions. Plus I have only read parts of the notes. I'm reading the notes on the bus even. I did 1 Lit essay on Rossetti. It was good 'cos I revised the entire Rossetti syllabus we've covered so far (read the poems, analysed, formed an essay plan and wrote the essay) then borrowed Peiyu's Rossetti notes and have been copying and processing them in my Rossetti book. I'm nearly done, and I'm a lot more confident with Rossetti. Geog is totally undone, it's very obvious my tutorials are not done, I don't even bring my readings. There are more readings for Lit, and a whole pile of Geog readings from last year I haven't read. I didn't read a single Geog reading ever since JC1. I have more Geog homework this weekend. I did my Econs essay already (as mentioned earlier). Should finish up my Lit notes and DO MATHS. Doing Maths is very important because I'm not doing my Maths. I need to do Maths.

I feel very much like swearing now but I feel better now that I've vented. I'm just very stressed but the crying has stopped. I question why I don't drop a subject. I've lost a lot of confidence over this block test.

The reasons why I haven't blogged this week are that I don't have time but more so because I've withdrawn a lot. Today Vic was really nice to me but I was just marginally polite (i.e. could have been nicer) 'cos I was very depressed. Just kept doing Rossetti in the council room. Council work is pushing me too. I shouldn't be grumbling 'cos people are working too. But things are just horrible for me right now.

The funniest thing is I signed up to represent my class in the JC2 Econs quiz. That's an interclass COMPETITION. Yes, me who got E for Econs. And I have to study. It's on Wed and I don't have time to prepare for it.

Relationship-wise, things are wrong. To people they probably appear to be right. Even to De Wen. I think. I hope (or do I?). But they're not. They're really not.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:10 p.m.

Friday, April 18, 2003

Got my day planned out and my day has been moving smoothly and according to schedule so far. I will now set off for a nice leisurely lunch at KAP then move to school for council at 1130.

I hope that no one will give me trouble about my painted pe shirt. I've packed 2 pe shirts in my bag, and am wearing the one that was painted during initiation because it only just came out of the wash. We're supposed to have 4 but I only have 3 (including the one I'm wearing now). I'll get an extra one from the welfare room if I need to though.

I will pray for De Wen every night like I promised and I wish you all the best in your selection test. Last night during my prayer I considered terminating contact with you for these three days for both our sakes but I decided not to in the end.

I've hooked my 'BEGINNING' and purple flower keychains to my colourful bag, and my Nanyang bear keychain to my orange SEIYU plastic bag. Keychains cheer me and the bigger and more colourful my things are, the better.

I feel like I'm going away forever. -sad-

BYE!!! -waves-

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:40 a.m.

Friday, April 18, 2003

The following is a song written on a Sunday at Jurong East Long John Silver's (after violin lesson), on the train to Ang Mo Kio, and later at Ang Mo Kio library after the Geography project discussion. I was personally very impressed with it. All comments are strongly encouraged and welcomed.

Spiderman
For De Wen
Written by Esther
April 12, 2003

Red and blue with weaves of white
Sheer independence stuns the night
It clings to you, your suited wear
Streamlines your graceful flight through air

I taste your eyes of mystery
And lips that ride the passion free
And as your fingers touch the floor
I'll walk into your open door

I'll fall...
Into your web of fury
Glistened fire of haunting threads
Entrapped, entangled, pull me in
To the darkness of your sea
A headlong plunge with no regrets

Your crazy world of lies, of theft
Pierces the bloodline of my blade
Organised matrix in complexity
Another dimensional escapade

And from the builded height descend
Fragile, agile, to take the pain
You're my Spiderman
And I'll be your Mary Jane

Then I'll fall,
Into your web of fury
Glistened fire of haunting threads
Entrapped, entangled, pull me in
To the darkness of your sea
A headlong plunge with no regrets

A trembling tingle, jewelled allure
Unveils the journey of your plea
Uplifted hope is pure, endure
The answer to my soliloquy

(You're my Spiderman
And I'll be your Mary Jane
You're my Spiderman
And I'll be your Mary Jane...)

So I'll fall
Into your web of fury
Glistened fire of haunting threads
Entrapped, entangled, pull me in
To the darkness of your sea
A headlong plunge with no regrets

(You're my Spiderman
And I'll be your Mary Jane
You're my Spiderman
And I'll be your Mary Jane...)

I'll be your Mary Jane...
I'll be your Mary Jane...
(repeat and fade)

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:18 a.m.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

For lack of time to elaborate, let me copy something I posted on De Wen's blog:

"brush: What do you mean by speak up for myself? djx-xuanyou and anticouncil: Council, like many other CCAs, has its flaws, and we blow up all the time because of certain things going on, but I am not anticouncil. There are some things I don't agree with but it doesn't discount a lot of good you find in council that you will (not 'may', 'WILL') not find in other CCAs. Feel free to approach me if you want any clarification. Thanks for your understanding."

And here are excerpts from what I told Nat today on ICQ:

"Things were hell at home just now."

"Sigh...my dad blew up at my bro for his bad results and attitude I think and my mom blew up at me 'cos I was packing for camp so late."

"Plus De Wen and I are v cold with each other at the moment."

"Not to mention the PubCo thing and other council matters...I wanted to cry today."

"Me and De Wen...sigh...I blew up unreasonably again. Just got too stressed up and he didn't know the right things to say."

"I don't feel like talking 'cos of what happened at PubCo and other experiences."

"I feel as if whatever I say won't be taken seriously, that it'll come out the wrong way and the other party will just misunderstand and blow up, making things worse."

"Contrary to what I seem to portray, my problems are rarely -about- people. They're about myself."

"I'm angry with people 'cos they don't move fast enough or they say things I don't like."
(Disclaimer: This is not about PubCo. This is about my maid. The second accusation is with regards to De Wen. It is quite obvious (to me anyway) that the second accusation is rather selfish and unreasonable.)

"But often I blow up at people 'cos I'm already stressed out over a lot of things."
(Disclaimer: This doesn't mean I don't think before I blow up. When I blew up at PubCo, it wasn't supposed to be an incoherent rant. It was a perfectly thought out scolding based on evidence although a lot of the things that made me upset did not occur overnight, just that I didn't express my opinion when they did occur. However, while I felt I was thinking logically when I blew up then, my posted entry was only my side of the story and worse it did not have a disclaimer. Unfortunately, I often blow up unreasonably with other people from more trivial provocations i.e. I happen to be stressed already and a little thing just got my blood boiling.)

"Then I get angry with myself 'cos I'm unreasonable."

"Then I realise people will probably misunderstand 'cos I only show my angry side, and I don't waste time trying to justify/speak up for people/offer a disclaimer and it seems like I dislike them terribly but actually most of the time I happen to be FOR them just that I scold them."
(Disclaimer: 'waste time' here refers to 'spend time'. I have a serious shortage of time.)

"So I feel torn 'cos I don't want to give a wrong impression yet I have to vent."

"Yep. Really hurts when people accuse me/label me 'cos I already label myself, feel inferior and think the bulk of the world hates me."
(Disclaimer: This refers to an accumulated number of incidents when various people accused and labelled me (wrongly).)

"Then I withdraw even further."

"It's a v complicated problem. Don't trust myself. Don't trust others."
(Disclaimer: I mean -I- don't trust myself nor others. I trust a few people e.g. my closer girlfriends, but I don't really trust guys and others who are not so close to me to understand what I'm going through and not judge.)

"Therefore hate myself. Withdraw from others."
(Disclaimer: Yes, -I- hate myself and withdraw from others. This disclaimer is just a precautionary measure in case I didn't make myself clear enough in the statement.)

"Just too tired to do anything."

"And no time."

"And after I blew up I didn't feel like speaking up for them 'cos it would discredit all that I'd blown up on."
(Disclaimer: I don't really know how to explain this but what I mean is it would make what I said seem like it wasn't true, like I was unreasonably scolding them but I actually had my own reasons for doing so, even if they were flawed.)

"Seriously, PubCo's been very nice to me for the last few days ever since I blew up."

"Ailin said her side of the story and listened to mine. Vic's been v caring, asking me if I'm ok, talking to me on the bus, Ramnik's been saying hello in a really friendly way, looking at me when she speaks to the whole council (and I nod to acknowledge I've heard her and understood though I don't smile), and Yexiang's been his usual, chatting whenever I initiate, smiling and laughing, and he smsed me to tell me to take care. Aishu's been nice too, talking to me, and sharing about herself, and sharing her food as usual. Lin Hai's been good to me too, talking to me in the usual way."

"I never related to Sharon, unfortunately. She never said hi nor acknowledged me since a very long time ago."
(Disclaimer: I'm not trying to attack her person here. But she appears to have withdrawn from me since a very long time ago for her own reasons.)

"But it's the usual I guess, and I won't apologise to anyone. It's not a deliberate attempt to be insolent. I just won't apologise."
(Disclaimer: I rarely apologise because I have to really feel sorry before I apologise. I may see why I may be wrong but there are certain reasons why I don't feel sorry which I won't elaborate on here. I don't want to launch into another argument and this action has also been taken on the advice of my best friend. I'm not against my committee members, but there are certain things that I still don't understand/accept and I'll leave it at that.)

This is just an update about what's been going on. It's been hell really, both at home, school and council, and even in my relationship. I don't know what's wrong with De Wen, why he's behaving this way. I've shouted like I haven't shouted for a long period of time to my mother and my maid, and not behaved in a right way to my father (i.e. not caring, for reasons which have nothing to do with him. Yes with regards to the earlier disclaimer that I made about not trusting guys, I don't trust my dad either, because I keep thinking he's going to blow up at me. That's how I feel about council too, that people will blow up at me for not doing the slightest right things, even my closest friends in council(e.g. Haihan 'cos he's vice-pres and Sean 'cos he's camp i/c). It's very unreasonable of me to feel this way, I guess, but I'm just very distrustful of people in general.)Tomorrow to Sunday is camp so I won't be here, but I'll be contactable by handphone (I'm required to sms my mother twice a day). Have a blessed Good Friday and Easter morning.

It's ironic how it's advertised on television that it's Good Friday, then what follows (logically) is a host of special television programmes for the Good Friday holiday, some of which involve pop hits, singing and dancing in ghastly outfits and parades in manners that are totally unChristian and disrespectful of the meaning of Good Friday. I don't claim to be a very good Christian but the irony hit me in the face today. I'm bringing my New Testament to camp. Please pray for my spiritual, emotional, mental and physical strength during the camp.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:31 p.m.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

(Posted earlier but Pitas didn't work.)

Cried again.

Missed school today 'cos I just couldn't wake up. Woke up at 5 then fell back asleep. I was only woken up by my mother at 6.50a.m.. Given that I would be late for council (and hence get 5 points - there's a flaw in this system but I won't say it here -'cos you all saw what happened after I ranted on MY blog about PubCo-, and this doesn't mean that I'm anti-council or PubCo or the people in them, please, because I am highly NOT, will do things on my initiative for them, but am just v pissed off with a lot of things related to them at the moment) and that I hadn't done any homework either, plus the fact that I was grossly exhausted, I decided to skip school and my mom let me. I'm just going to tell JT the truth. I'm tired.

The problem with doing things that people may find wrong (or that I feel people may find wrong) is that I feel that people don't understand that I think through a lot of what I do or say and that the problem is things already hurt a lot and whatever I do is just trying to relieve my problems though these solutions always backfire on me and to make it all worse people jump on me and scold profanities at me etc., making the whole thing worse, and making me hate the whole world and myself a lot more.

(But then, no one actually CARES, do they? Ok, I guess some people do and I should be thankful for that. I shall refrain from cursing the rest who don't care and yet open their big mouths like this certain S7 J3 who'd better not have the audacity to say anything anymore because everything you say is probably like the 'F---'s you scold me. I'm a bitch, yes I KNOW.)

Then to make it all worse, I am highly provoked by things especially my dear who somehow just says the wrong things. I don't know what you can say that makes it right too. Crying and whining won't do the trick, and I'm not saying you do (I hate adding disclaimers to everything I say but if I don't people misunderstand so that's a helpless fact of life I just have to do, even on MY blog as I reiterate and no I am not angry with you -another disclaimer-, and don't anyone assume they know who the you is 'cos although I'm referring to someone I'm too vague for anyone to get it so don't judge; it's not De Wen by the way, the two 'you's I'm using in this paragraph are two completely different people...gah!) 'cos this is a sign of weakness. Getting all aggressive i.e. pulling my hair, throwing me on the floor, slapping me and yelling 'Bitch!' in my ear will maybe shake me up a bit for now and stop me being so bloody arrogant but will lead to disastrous consequences because I will start flooding the place with tears, and after my emotional outpouring I will come back more aggressive, hate-filled and angry than ever and hate you and the rest of the guys in the universe, as well as withdraw further. (Of course, that's assuming you care.) And don't you ever think I don't try to help myself. Of course I do. I try to be less unreasonable, to be nicer, but the stress is killing me, I'm getting horribly provoked at the slightest thing (like my maid entering the room and talking loudly on the phone in a foreign tongue).

Say something! (But you aren't saying anything, so I won't initiate anything either. See now I'm blasting my dearest boyfriend. Guys, stay far away from me if you want to save yourself from a disgusting fate, because I'm at my most insane depressive angry bitter wrathful mood at the moment.)

I hate not going to school because not doing work gives me no sense of fulfilment and I'm too tired to do anything else anyway (so I can't do anything at school and at home 'cos I'm too tired) and I hate it when I wake up late (I have no choice 'cos I'm so tired, I still am very tired) 'cos I don't do anything either. I thrive on work and completion. (Achievement is a bonus but not a necessity unless I'm in one of my bitter moods again which I'm not in now; bitter yes, but not that kind of mood at the moment.)

Now I'm just plain pissed with everything. First it was council, then after I started liking council a lot more (started last night or this morning really, having a positive attitude) I started being pissed at other things, like certain things I read on certain blogs (I haven't read many blogs) and 'cos of my best friend and boyfriend (which are not their fault only that I happen to be plagued with guilt at not spending time with them or not viewing them as important, and because my boyfriend said a few really very infuriating things which are not his fault either -It's never their fault, it's always mine-) and then 'cos I was pissed with myself (I hate myself) 'cos I'm always so unreasonable and demanding and selfish yet at the end of it all I never seem to be doing anything good for myself (I thought if one was selfish it would be to their good) and I'm helpless 'cos I hate myself and I want to change and yet I can't change.

And no one is online. On hindsight, thank God now for their sakes.

I felt like throwing some glass cups today but I didn't. Very very very very very exhausted. Utterly drained. Going to meet my best friend later for Coffee Bean (and I couldn't go out with De Wen 'cos he told me too late -'cos he found out he was free too late- and he can't arrange a right time, actually he can and he did but I rejected it and I'll accept it now if he does it but he doesn't and I forced him to put down the phone and slammed him later on sms so please if PubCo wants to scold him for whatever comments he made please scold me 'cos you can see what kind of stress he is under, and how much he cares and I'm more unreasonable than that; see what a bitch I am and how trivial my concerns are?)

Highly irritated with myself mostly.

That's the worse thing to be irritated at right? 'cos I can't hide from myself.

I think I'll drown my sorrows in coffee. Maybe I'll change now and go to Coffee Bean first and buy a cup of coffee while I wait for Xin Yi, and then drink another one when she does come.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:50 p.m.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

(Taken from Alanna's blog)

Quiz 1

Name: Esther
Time: 12.23p.m.
Wearing: Red checked pyjamas with cartoon faces
Listening to: A Sorta Fairytale (Tori Amos) playing in my head
Talking to: No one.

Top five basic things people should know about you:
1. Love HC, Arts and council
2. Love the Internet, Language and Music
3. Am a perfectionist who values efficiency and is seriously obsessed with
many commitments and ideas
4. Am sick and tired most of the time
5. Am prone to extreme mood swings overlying a basic depression

Top twenty-five songs you love right now:
(By Michael Card)
1. Starkindler - Be Thou My Vision
2. Starkindler - The King of Love My Shepherd is
3. Scribbling In The Sand - Know You In The Now
4. Starkindler - Pilgrims To The City Of God
5. Close Your Eyes So You Can See - Hosanna
6. Close Your Eyes So You Can See - Let The Children Come
7. Close Your Eyes So You Can See - Close Your Eyes So You Can See
8. The Ancient Faith - The Beginning
9. Soul Anchor - Grace Be With You All
10. Poeima - Sunrise Of Your Smile
11. The Ancient Faith - Barocha
12. Poeima - The Basin And The Towel
13. Starkindler - Come Ye Weary
14. Starkindler - Jesus, Lover Of My Soul
15. Soul Anchor - Soul Anchor
16. Starkindler- I Heard The Voice Of Jesus Say
17. Close Your Eyes So You Can See - When Jesus Was A Boy
18. Close Your Eyes So You Can See - Make Me A Miracle
19. Scribbling In The Sand - Scribbling In The Sand
20. Poeima - Poem Of Your Life
21. Scribbling In The Sand - Love Crucified Arose
22. Scribbling In The Sand - God's Own Fool
23. Unveiled Hope - Unveiled Hope
24. Unveiled Hope - The Overcomers
25. Unveiled Hope - The New Jerusalem

Top four things that you like on the sex of your choice:
1. Christian
2. Respectful
3. Strong and aggressive
4. Open and communicative

Top five movies you love:
1. Pocahontas
2. A Walk To Remember
3. The Parent Trap
4. Sister Act 2
5. The New Swiss Family Robinson

Top five things you say the most:
1. Hello!/Hi.
2. Ok./Yep./Yes./Yeppers.
3. Wait./Wait ah.../Can you please wait a while?/Please wait a while.
4. I love you dear./Love.
5. Take Care God Bless.

Top five things you do not understand about your own sex:
1. Many laugh in a most irritating gasping manner
2. Many can't pronounce words properly e.g. 't' instead of 'th' sounds, ci1 fan4 (eat) instead of chi1 fan4 (another very irritating thing)
3. Many bear grudges
4. Many cry easily
5. Many are prone to mood swings

Top five things you do not understand about the opposite sex:
1. Many think very straightforwardly and thus are unable to get hints or look beyond the surface (although some do care enough to learn)
2. Many love playing and watching ball games e.g. soccer and basketball
3. Many are computer game and Counter Strike players
4. Many don't put deodorant and stink more than girls
5. Many are very physical

For each letter, write the first thing that comes to mind.
Alluring
Brilliance
Classic
Dreams
Esther (Queen)
Fairy
God
Heart
Imagination
Juniors
King
Longing
Mew
Nothing
Only
Princess
Queen
Royal
Starkindler
Talent
Unicorn
Velvet
Wisdom
Xerxes
Yes
Zany

=====

QUIZ 2

TIME STARTED?
2.19p.m.

A LITTLE ABOUT YOU...

FULL NAME?
Chin Ying Wei Esther.

BIRTHDAY?
26th September 1985.

AGE?
17.

BORN?
Mt. Elizabeth Hospital, Singapore.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
The unknown.

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS OR GLASSES?
Spectacles.

PERFECT MAN/WOMAN?
Impossible (save Jesus). A relationship is an eternal journey of work.

DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF?
No. I hate myself.

EMBARRASSING MOMENT?
I was caught in the rain and stripped (totally, underwear included) to dry my things using the hand dryer in the Nanyang Hostel toilet. My friend was supposed to guard the door, but somehow someone just came in and stared at me for a while in my full, front profile naked glory. I was so shocked I couldn't move to cover myself. Thank God the person left without causing me further embarrassment.

YOUR GOOD FRIENDS?
De Wen, Xin Yi, Prisca, Chooi Mei, Christine, Natalie.

PERSON IN YOUR FAMILY?
4 - me, my parents and 15 year old brother. I love my father best.

ICE-CREAM?
Sticky Chewy Chocolate from Swensen's.

VEGETABLE?
Raw cucumbers. I love salad Pizza Hut kind (i.e. with a wide variety of cold vegetables, quite unlike those at Cold Storage).

FAST FOOD?
Japanese. There's a nice one at Causeway Point, another one next to Toys R Us at Orchard which DW brought me too, and Yoshinoya.

CANDY?
Marks and Spencer.

BEVERAGE?
Ultimate Ice-Blended from The Coffee Bean And Tea Leaf.

MOVIE?
A Walk To Remember.

TALK SHOW?
Cexiang's talk shows aka council meet students sessions. =) I don't watch tv.

ACTRESS?
Fann Wong.

ACTOR?
Rowan Atkinson.

BANDS?
a1, Savage Garden. I don't listen to band music.

SINGER?
Michael Card, Ron Hamilton.

PLACE TO VISIT?
Coffee Bean (for drinks), Suntec City.

COLOURS?
Blue, black, beige, silver, white.

JEWELLERY?
Usually none. I don't like adorning myself with jewellery of any kind. I have a favourite blue bracelet and blue stringed necklace with paua shell pendant though.

SPORTS? I love to dance! I run to travel (walking is irritatingly slow) and relieve stress. I love watching gymnastics, ice-skating and dancing.

NUMBER?
7.

ANIMAL?
Cat.

FLOWER?
A single stalk of rose.

BRAND OF SHOES?
Nike.

PERFUME/COLOGNE?
Dove.

CAREER?
Journalist, critic, writer, organiser, private schoolteacher.

HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEBODY SO MUCH IT MADE YOU CRY?
I don't know if I ever cried for one pure motive.

DRANK ALCOHOL?
No, and won't.

SMOKED?
Smoke makes me feel like vomiting.

BROKEN THE LAW?
God's law, yes. Man's law (personal law and the law of other individuals), yes. The generally accepted legal system, no.

RAN AWAY FROM HOME?
Overnight, no. Stayed out on purpose, yes.

BROKEN A BONE?
Thank God, no.

PLAYED STRIP POKER?
It's stripping and gambling and hence highly sinful. No.

PLAYED TRUTH OR DARE?
During council man3 yue4.

FLASHED SOMEONE?
Unintentionally. See 'EMBARRASSING MOMENT?'.

MOONED SOMEONE?
Definitely not.

KISSED SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T KNOW?
Never.

BEEN IN A PHYSICAL FIGHT?
Yes, and I will fight you if you provoke me too much.

RODE IN A POLICE CAR?
No.

BEEN ON A PLANE?
Once a year.

COME CLOSE TO DYING?
I felt I nearly drowned once. Thank God I managed to come out of the water in time.

CHEATED ON YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Besides having natural and unmaterialised crushes, in a generally accepted sense, no.

BEEN IN A SAUNA?
Not for long.

BEEN IN A HOT TUB?
A hot bath in Rotorua, New Zealand and a hot spring in Japan.

SWAM IN THE OCEAN?
Australia.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT...

ABORTION?
Yes.

CLASSICAL?
I strongly support older and more conventionally balanced works. I love Baroque music and structured, balanced, and rhyming poetry.

SOAP OPERAS?
I don't watch them, although I do act out dramatic scenes.

THE PERSON THAT SENT THIS TO YOU?
I don't know nor understand her very well but she's nice.

AMUSEMENT PARKS?
No. I don't like meaningless rides (repetitive rides which move round a pole or turn around/rollercoasters), but rides which follow a real storyline (e.g. slow boat rides or rides into different scenes of the world or various worlds) please me. I don't like haunted houses, mazes or bouncy castles (rubber containers for one to climb up and through plastic tunnels or keep jumping on) but I love exploring real and decorated stone castles or houses, say, for example an Alice In Wonderland house or a Victorian castle. Give me something more serious, please.

WHAT IS...

YOUR GOOD LUCK CHARM?
None.

WHAT'S YOUR BEDROOM LIKE?
It has white doors and walls, yellow lights, light brown cupboard, drawers and shelves, a blue and grey set of plastic drawers, a grey work table with drawers and a light brown wooden computer table with my computer, printer and cds. My room is cluttered but there is some empty space on the floor. My bed with orange bedsheets, green, yellow and orange striped pillow and pink knitted blanket is in the corner. I also have an attached toilet. When I want food, I bring food up to my room, and have my meals there. My room is a comfortable place, a place where I lock myself in to be alone, to cry, injure and act, and where I feel safe. I dislike people knocking on the door, and even more dislike people entering my room.

YOUR SECRET CRUSH?
Two people from council, though the attention has shifted to the other. It won't materialise because I don't want it to and don't foresee a very close relationship with either of them anyway. I have been afraid of developing any close relationship with guys.

YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
Salvation. Materially speaking, My council badge.

ARE YOU A...

GOOD STUDENT?
In terms of work attitude, I'd say yes, although doing homework is not always compulsory to me. In terms of results, no. But I am not a bad student.

GOOD ACTOR/ACTRESS?
Far from it.

GOOD DANCER?
No but I can dance.

GOOD STORYTELLER?
Yes but I can only tell stories when I feel comfortable.

DO YOU HAVE...

STITCHES?
Thank God, no.

BLOODY NOSE?
Nosebleed. Nothing serious.

CANCER?
Thank God, no.

SURGERY?
Nearly, but thank God, no.

SOMEONE BESIDES YOUR FAMILY SAY THEY LOVE YOU?
Yes.

SOMEONE PUNCH YOU?
No but someone's slapped me before on the face.

DO YOU...

WET THE BED?
Not anymore.

COLLECT ANYTHING?
I used to collect stamps and stickers. Now, I buy stickers, art materials, ornaments and books but I don't collect them.

LIKE TO SING?
Very.

LIKE TO SHOP?
Yes.

LIKE TO PARTY?
No. I'm withdrawn.

BEEN IN TROUBLE A LOT??
No.

EAT A LIVE HAMSTER FOR A MILLION $?
Definitely not. Money doesn't mean a lot to me.

GO TO A HANSON CONCERT IF YOU HAD A FREE TICKET?
Yes.

GET ANYTHING PIERCED?
One hole in each ear is all I have and intend to have.

KILL SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T KNOW FOR 15 MILLION DOLLARS?
No. It's murder.

ANYONE OFFERED YOU A SMALL PART IN A MOVIE WOULD YOU ACCEPT?
It depends on what movie it is. If it's a G/PG-rated one, does not involve anything that goes against my principles and if the commitment involved is not too heavy, why not?

HOW LONG WAS YOUR LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
2 years or more, with a stagnant period of one year.

WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Dear, Kitten, geographygirl, Princess, DARKSLAVE, Avenging Angel, Mr. Egg.

WHO DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON?
See 'YOUR SECRET CRUSH?'.

EARLIEST MEMORY?
Being in the middle of my two best friends in Kindergarten who both wanted exclusive attention.

TIME FINISHED?
3.52p.m..

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 03:53 p.m.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Can't update.

Mailbox scarily full.

Homework undone.

Seriously tired.

Yep, I'm v v v tired and not getting enough rest. Just hope I'll be able to make it through at least 'til after council camp and with a commendable amount of enthusiasm too. Physically sick (but don't want to see a doctor 'cos of the SARS outbreak) and very stoned (for once) during lessons.

Beginning to cry. Just not strong enough. I cannot take the stress anymore. I'm blowing up at De Wen a lot now and getting horrifically depressed. I try, and I try not to show anything of what I'm really feeling but I feel horrible. I enjoyed council today but it's really draining a lot of energy and spirit from me, not to mention the whole PubCo thing too which tore me apart.

Others are probably feeling the strain too. They're brave and I admire them. I'm withdrawing horribly (yes I hope my tensing up isn't obvious) and feeling utterly inferior and bitchy.

I just need a break desperately. But I can't find one 'cos a) I'm not sick enough, b) I don't want to see a doctor 'cos of SARS (which means I can't miss any day of school because missing Econs requires an MC cover up), c) I have council every day.

Not complaining. But things are horridly wearying for me now, and although there are good parts which I don't elaborate on (like the dances, the new council elects and the smiles and hug), I feel v stressed out and I accuse myself of being hypocritical and faking my smiles. I'm just trying, you know, but I can't be happy even though I'm putting in a substantial amount of effort, and even though people have been v nice to me. Too tired and breaking from all the stress.

The homework makes things a lot worse 'cos I already don't have enough rest and I have the added stress of homework. The worse thing is, it's Econs (my teacher's v fierce and scary -I get v intimidated in class-) and Maths (teacher's getting fierce and angry. Don't see how they would understand my not doing my homework. I don't like it. But I'm not doing a lot of my homework. Though that still doesn't give me enough rest.

I should admire Eleco and Exco. And probably everyone else who's surviving.

It's amazing, after all the strenuous activity today, I hardly touched my dinner. Had a bit of gastric earlier, I suspect ('cos my stomach hurt) but I just didn't feel like eating.

-cries-

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:21 p.m.

Monday, April 14, 2003

V v tired physically, emotionally and mentally.

Thank God I did my Econs during break. Although that meant I only ate one meal (dinner) today, I managed to escape any scolding from JT.

Getting back Econs scripts tomorrow. I don't expect anything. More important things to worry about.

Really need to go to sleep. Had trouble keeping awake at lectures today. Ended up injuring all 4 finger and thumb nails on the left hand and some skin as well.

V far from God and from the sun.

The talk was good and I thank Ailin for sharing. I also would like to thank other people for hearing me out and commenting in various ways. I understand your side of the story. I hope you understand mine.

Unfortunately, I realised today I've finally given up on PubCo after one term. I'm still angry and it's clouding my mind. And I can't put the pieces back anymore.

I'm not humble enough to apologise, especially when there are things I still feel I've been wronged about. There's a reason for everything, and I guess I was wrong to judge without knowing the facts for sure. Maybe I just need to be alone awhile.

I'm not trying to make myself look pitiful. I'm just keeping a record of this whole fiasco now on my blog because it tore me apart and given other problems I can't pick myself up anymore.

Pray for me, my dears, for strength, hope, trust and comfort in God. Been depressed to really low points (and I acknowledge it's my fault) and I'm still v sad and tired. I'm glad my friends are feeling better.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:51 p.m.

Monday, April 14, 2003

I said I wouldn't cry but I did.

Everyone's under a lot of stress, and there's a lot of miscommunication between everyone. I know this blew out of proportions, but I'm selfishly thankful that I finally stopped pretending that things were going right with me and started being a bitch to people other than De Wen. If anything, it enabled me to vent, to make some of my problems known and to let the tears run. Also, it made me realise that I did have friends (in and out of council) who stuck with me, took the initiative to call, e-mail, message and chat online, to encourage, to share, and even to tell me what was wrong.

There are things (positive and negative) that I don't say, that I haven't said. Maybe I should focus more on the positive side of things and give more encouragement instead of grumbling. I feel though I am perfectly entitled to my rants and I am not sorry for them because they were honestly what I felt and even on a friend-to-friend basis it was time to share. I feel I don't share enough, whether good or bad. I appreciate a lot of councillors, and even for those I bitch about, I have good things to say too whether they believe it or not. I guess I just got pissed off because I felt I was doing extra and it was backfiring on me. I spoke up for every single member of the com, for Yexiang, Aishu, Ramnik, Ailin, Lin Hai, Sharon and Vic. I tried to understand their stresses, negotiated for less meetings, meetings that took into account everyone's constraints (trying not to schedule them on earliest days etc.), trying to run things more efficiency. The problem is that I don't feel good about stating the things that I do, yet when things go wrong and when I'm unable to express my feelings (and feel like a mindless follower who sucks up to my com chair) I start to question why I'm doing so much for every com member (com-chair included) when everything's backfiring on me. I hate being the middle person.

Are people willing to talk things out? I thank everyone for sharing (every single com member did; I suppose this situation blew up so much that everyone responded in some way or another this time) The serious problem is a lack of communication and a lack of trust. I was sincerely pissed about the board when I realised that NO ONE in PubCo knew about it and Yexiang just thrust it to me because I was the only one free. I don't mind working, but it was a very bad day for me because under real circumstances I wasn't free (just that I had nothing really urgent to do). It hurt me a lot when I found out that RJ had done it, and I felt like a mere pawn 'cos it looked like we were copying them and actually I had no idea originally. I didn't even expect help/thanks for/reaction to the council board 'cos it was a PubCo thing anyway and because I wasn't involved in that which I didn't want to do, I could do it amidst the difficulties. It's just that seeing such negative reactions to it, which I took for disgust, after I had to summon a lot of strength to continue doing the board, just added to my negative feelings. My parents, Yexiang and Lin Hai blowing up at me, Aishu upset, Ramnik not wanting to do the video earlier in school for reasons that I didn't, and still do not, understand, everyone else acting they did just made everything worse. When people don't say anything and just act, others are forced to search for their own meaning, if they do, and I just interpreted what I did from your actions as you did mine, resulting in a lot of misunderstanding.

I wonder if problems can be solved, if the flaws within council can be eradicated at least in part. Or is it too late? I have categorised throughout my term what is a 'council mentality', and it isn't positive. The councillors work hard, but do they work smart? Some are trying, I know. I don't even dare to say I work smart.

I'm talking things out with Ailin tomorrow. I talked things out a little with Vic, and hopefully I'll be able to talk more with her. It helps that she has a blog. I shared a bit with Sean, cried on the phone with Haihan and De Wen and shared more. A lot of problems are personal, but a lot are interpersonal-induced, and even though I'm too tired to argue I'm not too tired to listen. I'm only too eager to listen so I can go back to believing good in people and not being frustrated.

It's going to be difficult though because I gave up on PubCo. If no one took the initiative to comment/message I wouldn't have approached them anymore.

I don't know what to say now. Too tired. I don't know what I'm going to do about my homework. Perhaps I will negotiate something with Mdm. Jennifer Tan. I'd wanted to post more (about other general things) but apparently this council rant has taken up my, and many other people's time.

I admire De Wen and Nat, and I hope they are well. Thank you Haihan, Sean and Prisca also for your comfort.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 01:49 a.m.

Sunday, April 13, 2003

I'm sorry to cause so much uproar on my blog, but I believe it was time I blew up.

I have been thinking about what I said, and believe it or not, before I read any negative comments, I was actually speaking up for PubCo and council to myself and thinking of speaking up for PubCo and council on this blog, especially for you. Unfortunately, if I do so now, it will neutralise everything I intend to say in my previous entry and also because after your reaction to my blog, I don't think you deserve it. If you feel that friendships are over, then I don't feel that I should speak up for you anymore too.

One thing about this blog is that it concentrated on purely negative issues.

I have an inferiority complex, so you can bet I feel inferior in PubCo and council. I don't even dare claim I'm above average in council. All I can say is I try my best and I'm strict with myself. As for being manipulative and wanting to be victimised, I don't see your point because I never intended to be that way. But be entitled to your own opinion.

I am not sorry for my comments and do not take them back. If you don't bother to clarify your stand with me logically and resort to insulting me instead, you are perfectly entitled to your stand. I was never that good with words anyway and I don't want to start a war, not least with you.

Even though I do not feel obligated to explain myself, I state that De Wen and Natalie are not involved whatsoever. I included De Wen's words only because I felt that they were valid opinions and points worth chewing on.

This morning, before I looked at my entry again, I questioned if my entry would jeopardise any friendship. I concluded that true friends may get emotional, but will ultimately remain true. Let's see who are my friends now.

I have tried, whether it was doing my work or building friendships, and I know for sure that I was always sincere about my motives. Believe me or not, it is none of my business.

I've given up on PubCo. I will cry no more tears for PubCo, never speak up for PubCo again, and leave you to your ways and ideas. Hate me and make my job difficult if you like. Maybe that will finally bond you together.

Die PubCo.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:55 p.m.

Sunday, April 13, 2003

Council has taken up every single day since school reopened. It is so ironic that my brother has not even started school again yet. My council commitments next week involve Monday morning, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday afternoon, and a camp on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It is so ironic that today I had just asked Nat (who's a member of the Elections Committee) when I would be free next week and she'd said that only Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday would be taken up. How were we both to know otherwise?

I can see that some people are working hard. I got blown up at (undeservingly) by 3 people today. I appreciate the efforts of those who have been, and are, working hard. I sincerely hope that the commitments next week will be efficiently run because I don't have time to waste.

Just a disclaimer, the council board that De Wen mentioned in the later entry is not the SARS board. This council board involved the transferring of materials from the existing council board (including the SARS board) to another board.

I'm giving up on PubCo. I don't see why when I travel by running and brisk-walking, rushing to change and film my scenes, and trying to save YOUR time by filming my parts first while you're occupied with your own stuff, you take EIGHT minutes to change in the toilet and stroll around oblivious to, and angered at, the feelings and constraints of others. I don't want to start mentioning the rest. Let me also add that when I say I spend 3 hours on the board, I mean I spend 3 hours at full concentration and maximum efficiency. And when I say I spent 5 hours on the SARS board and didn't even finish it, I mean that same working style too. Did you know I was strolling today? And yet when I turned around ALL of you were strolling even slower and were so far behind I couldn't even see you. You want to see how I walk when I walk to church?

I don't even ask for organisation and efficiency. True, that was one of my goals as secretary/treasurer at the start of my term. But the bulk of you are not even fulfilling your basic job scopes nor having basic consideration for the rest of the com.

Borrow the minutes file from me and look at what all of you said at the start of your term. See if you have fulfilled even your basic job scopes, not to mention what you hoped to achieve. I can say sincerely on looking back, I fulfilled my job scope. I assisted my com chair. The minutes and treasury are nearly done and will be finalised soon. I helped out. I achieved organisation and efficiency with myself. Aishu managed to fulfil her job scope too. The rest of you failed miserably.

You deserve a scolding tonight. Every single one of you.

The saddest thing is that you don't care. You just don't care. And you have no respect for your com chair, not to mention the rest of the com.

I wish I had the courage to scold, to stop being my 'nice' self. I wish I didn't work so much behind the scenes so much so that no one probably knows what I'm doing even if I can account for all the hours I spend on my work. But I came into council to serve and not to lead, and it is not my working style to scold and assert dominance.

De Wen summed it up very succintly, with his own ideas thrown in as well. And guess what, I can't defend you anymore, because nothing is a lie.

Aishu had a lot of trouble with her mother, and her mother wanted to speak to Yexiang. I offered to speak instead because I didn't want my com chair to be stressed out any further (even though Aishu's mother later said she didn't need to speak to me). But I found out that while I was thinking of what to say, I had nothing to say. Nothing to defend council with.

To those who are running for council, go for it if you have the right attitude. Make a difference.

After all, if I want to compare, every com is doing fine except PubCo, despite many efforts. And I only realised why today. Because people simply don't care.

I remember the PubCo outing for seniors and juniors back when we were still council elects, before our investiture. The senior PubCo was so bonded, going out and having fun, taking photos together spontaneously and creatively. It was really a PubCo, a committee of closely-knit friends. After one year, what have we done? Yexiang spent a substantial amount of his term as com chair trying to bond the com together, promoting efficiency etc., and he failed miserably. Because let me tell you this, you are simply not interested in your work and each other.

Die, PubCo. At this rate you are going, die. Yexiang has given up. I don't know about Lin Hai. Aishu has given up. The rest of you never even tried.

As for me, I'm washing my hands off you. I should never have tried to do anything. My job is done, and my term will be over soon. Just bear in mind, will you, that when we choose the next PubCo, choose a secretary who's smart enough to learn to give up on a wasting com much earlier in his/her term.

The following are actual blog entries taken in their entirety from De Wen's blog. I personally and objectively feel that he writes brilliantly. I am shocked by the sheer frankness displayed, but as I look through them over again, I realise that I have nothing to say in defence of council or my committee. Everything is true.

Saturday, April 12, 2003
11:34 p.m.

Ok I just received another call from Esther today and she ranted and told me everything that happened, and it made me think, is the world made up of heartlessness or are people just plain horrible?

I have become v disappointed in a lot of things, pple, council, friends and never expected them to act this way.

Firstly, council is v proud to have been able to fought its way to be able to be allowed back in school on Sat even though the school has banned all CCA activities. Yeah they're not concerned abt their pple. Yeah it's v good. But people come back and they don't work at full efficiency, like council is a fun session, a relax session and there's no sense of urgency. But did u know for my dear Esther, Saturday night is family night and her mom is very fed up with council cos Esther couldn't make it home early? Did u know Aishu was crying because her mother was scolding her for being late and she couldn't help it?

Pple: First Yexiang. I know it's stressful being a chair, but u don't dare to blow up at the other pple who are causing u to blow up? Then what's the point of blowing up to Esther, when she's already trying her best to get the com to move faster be more efficient? U've given up. U expect the com to be bothered when u can't even be bothered yourself? And Esther moved and did the council board for THREE hours ALONE and u don't even thank her. Well done.

Lin Hai. What's the point of telling Esther to not bother abt your editing of films and just do her part? She cares and she bothers to ask and why don't u scold the others who are laughing chatting and can't even give a damn if u break your leg or get SARS?

Ramnik. I am utterly devastated and disgusted and disappointed. I thought u were a good fren. I didn't know u were so selfish. U give Esther and Aishu disgusted looks when Aishu is crying helplessly and Esther is comforting her. U dun try your best and there u are strolling to get food, complaining u're hungry. U blow up at Esther because Pubco is really rushing for time and she's trying to usher u all to start moving.. I didn't know u could be so cruel. U think it's all fun? Be that way.

Ailin. U showed utter disgust without asking who did the board and what happened. Did u know my dear almost got injured by thumbtacks and the wallpaper was falling down and the thumbtacks were falling on her? Didn't did u. No sense of urgency huh? Want to shift the filming to sunday huh? Do u know Esther has church then violin then geography project and u expect her to have time for filming. Sigh. I thought better. Alot of time huh? Did u know Yexiang didn't sleep last night editing the video?

Sharon and Vic. I know u have your mood swings, and I'm sure your non-constructive comments were v helpful. I'm sure other people would have appreciated your average speeds to be faster. (I'm sure u all take physics) I'm sure the discussionw was as enjoyable as taking your own sweet time to change. I'm sure the world revolves around all of u that the world can wait. Laugh all u want when others are crying. Go ahead. Makes u feel better abt yourself huh?

Definitly there are some pple are proud of you all. Definitely there are some who appreciate what u do. (Well pple sure need some encouragement after being stressed out and having their post block test postponed, be the encouragement obligatory or not)

How abt those who are never appreciated?

And u wonder why poverty can never be solved. Why trees are being cut down. Why there is war.

Heal the world? The world can't be bothered.

In this hope is our security

======

Thursday, April 10, 2003
09:08 p.m.

Ok.. council pple.. prepare yourself if u read this. I'm v unhappy abt things going on and this is going to be like a slap on the face.

Just a half an hour ago, Esther called me, saying she was sad and was still in SCHOOL. Why? Cos dear Yexiang asked her to do the board for the SARS doctors and all who are risking their life, and just because she's free she has to do it. Cos NO ONE ELSE is bloody free. Here's the problem.

Number 1.. many pple are not free? All the pubco are not free? Great. Yexiang has to study f math, everybody else bio, what does sharon and ailin have to study? (I'm sorry u can hate me but I need to give justice to my dear.) Thanks Ailin for offering. But why are pple NOT free? Because they have to celebrate the end of their exams? Because they have to study? Bio and F maths, study in one day can score?! Siao! That's the biggest lie ever told. And chairperson doesn't even allocate someone to go help do a BOARD. Why doesn't he at least stay to help? Do u know that Sir Hong was in school til 6? Did u know he had work? Did u know he had F maths? And then nobody helps!

Let me tell u why this is so bad. Because firstly my dear was scared, cos she's the only one in school at 8.15pm and no one else is and the school is dark, so there. She could have come at one tmrw and now she's going at six to finish it. Six AM AM!!!!!! Her left hand hurts cos of her exams. Her right hand hurts because she's cut billions of cardboard. J1s are bugging her abt welfare room stuff. She has a headache. She is exhausted and hahahahaha the biggest thing, is she doesn't even get to REST or celebrate after her block test.

Do u know!? DO U?! Just because out sweet secretary is nice enough to her com to do all the work and no one offers!?

I'm sorry but shouldn't a good chairperson allocate. Shouldn't he enforce. Thank God I couldn't go out with her today or I'd be even more pissed. U all just don't get it do u? And she puts in so much effort that's why she may not be fast. And nobody appreciates. V easy ah. Put up a board. Why should Mrs Ang's orders be obeyed? Why every single idea? To please her? For God's sake we're not primary school students.. please if u don't have time, don't do. Don't push it to someone who is 'free', just because she offers. U know why she offered. For your sake man. She pitied you man. No one else wants to do so she takes up the job.. u happily say yes.. u think she's so free. U think she's the ONLY one that's free!? That's rational to you? Why are you taking F maths? u don't even know what's rational. (I'm sorry if this makes u hate me man.. but u've got to know.)

You all know what my dear wanted? She didn't even want so much to go out. All she wanted was she could have a nice lunch, go back and read her new book and NOW!? Bloody Council takes over everything.

Why is it if my dear believes council takes priority other pple don't even bother to make council impt? U think u argue or complain or blow up v cool ah? Look at my dear. My dear never gave up, no matter how hard. She was defending council!!!!! When I was telling her this. All of you from Sherwayn Tan to Tan HaiHan all the way down the hierarchy. The teachers too. Why do u want to destroy their lives!? Is achievement, glamour, reputation so impt to you? Are u fulfilling your goals?

You want your council mates to learn to take stress? This is not the time. If JC had 4 years maybe, but now? And at the end, these things only arrive at self-satisfaction,but is it worth it? No more courses, no more enrichment... And points!? Only the exco gets it. The others? I respect everybody's nobility, but I feel that there isn't enough consideration, enough care or concern.

Go ahead. Make life a living hell.

Dun try to get work to be done. Try to get pple to work. Tnat is more impt and rewarding for a leader.

I'm sorry. Just unhappy abt it. Maybe unreasonable but I apologise.

In this hope is our security

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:06 a.m.

Friday, April 11, 2003

I just woke up.

Very tired, but I'm feeling a lot better now even though I did a round of injuring just now.

I really hope I can finish the board today. I need to finish the board within 2 hours (i.e. about 11), excluding travelling to school so that I can go for lunch. I hope that I will at least be granted (I will find it within myself to grant myself) a nice lunch at Coro or something with De Wen.

Then I really hope that filming will end by LATEST LATEST 6. My mom wants me home by 6 and she says my com chair will get the boot if he keeps me later. I will see how things go and make the necessary negotiations. She was not very happy that I was working late in school last night, and with the fact that she has to arrange with me for dinner. (Most people have to tell me things in advance, really, since I'm usually definitely occupied.)

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:47 a.m.

Thursday, April 10, 2003

I was v down today.

On the good side, I didn't slack at all today. I woke up at 3a.m., studied until 5a.m., slept until 7.30a.m. then studied until 9+, went to school, and studied until 11+. Unfortunately, just when I managed to finish studying all that I'd intended to study and write 16.5 pages of notes in good clear handwriting, a big common break started and the J1s flooded to the canteen. I handed up my SARS declaration form and came back down to the canteen for lunch. I only got a papaya, cup of ribena and a bottle of mineral water though.

Then it was Lit. The question I'd hoped would come out came out, and I wrote all I could. I managed to write all I wanted to write and in relatively good and clear handwriting. PC was not easy at first, but I turned in as best an answer as I could. It turned out that I'd misjudged the time by 15 minutes (I thought the exam was supposed to end 15 minutes earlier), so I had just a little under 15 minutes left to read through my answers and make some amendments. The old black pens were running out of ink but the new one I'd just bought was so inky it was smudging, I had to rewrite a paragraph using the old black pens. Thank God my handwriting was clear and readable.

After Lit, I went to work on the Pubco board. We're doing a board (made up of two mounting boards) as a tribute to the doctors and nurses involved in the SARS diagnosis and treatment. Since I was the only Pubco-ian free, I worked on the board after school. Ailin offered to help me tomorrow, but I declined because I wanted to finish the board today. I didn't have so much time to work on the board.

I learnt a lot in working on the board, and I was very thankful for Ailin's suggestions. However, there were certain imperfections with my work that I could not tolerate and I had to perfect them with many repeated tries and failures. I was getting frustrated because I was tired, my shoulders and back were aching, the pimples on my forehead were stinging, and I was sick. The dust and dirt from the cardboard, construction paper and glue were irritating my already unwell throat, and I was coughing to the point of vomiting, as I have been doing for the past one week. (Don't worry, this is not SARS for sure.) My right hand was red and hurting from the repeated and forceful cutting of cardboard. Yet, I had to do my best because I would not turn in anything other than my best. I reminded myself of what I said yesterday (that I would not mind doing board after board if I would not do that which I did not want to do), among other things I said to encourage myself, but my patience was running low. To make things worse, many people were coming to the council room to borrow/return things or to make purchases. I can honestly say that whenever I had to get up I ran to and from the welfare room to get whatever was required, get the money, deposit the money and make a record. I did not have the time, and I was very impatient with the disruptions. I felt very guilty though since Sir Hong was very nice, doing most of the calls, and actually talking to me. I was not smiling, firstly because I was cursing in my mind for the first time in a long time (not at him though), and secondly because I was concentrating on my work, and when I concentrate on my work I don't usually smile.

I told myself to stay back until I finished the board because I really didn't have the time to do it another day. Unfortunately, I couldn't finish my work even though I was the last student to leave the school today at 8+. I'm thankful to Sir Hong for locking up the Welfare Room and the Students' Lounge for me. There was a lot of initiative on his part which I really appreciated. I would have stayed back, but I didn't want to leave so late, so I reluctantly kept my materials. Unfortunately there was no broom so I had to try my best to scoop up the materials in my hands. I had many instances of temptation to cut myself with the penknife, but I did not hurt myself.

I was very freaked out because of the plot (I can't get it out of my mind), and because I was imagining things and noises. I was uneasy, and I wanted to get out of the council room as soon as possible but I had to make sure everything was properly put and locked etc. I did pack up, but then I was stuck outside the council room trying to lock the door. It turned out that the lock was spoilt so it wouldn't lock, and I was frantically praying, sweating and trying to make it lock. The worse thing was, there was no one to help me because there was no one around, the school was dark, and I get scared very easily. I was about to cry.

Thank God though the security guard came and helped me. I hoped I didn't seem like a weakling because I sounded like I was about to cry, because I WAS about to cry. The lock was really spoilt, so he used his key to lock the door. I went home.

The bus was eerily empty, the passengers quiet and staring, and I found myself questioning again if I was in a bus of dead people. I cautiously chose my seat. I didn't care about my phone bill then and just talked to De Wen for comfort. Unfortunately, I couldn't quite hear him and I was getting more irritated. I think I was shouting into the phone.

I wasn't feeling well, was getting travel sickness, and was about to collapse from sheer exhaustion. Thank God I managed to trudge across the overhead bridge and home (I'm amazed I even made it), ate my very late dinner (I was very very hungry because I had only eaten Wen Jie's cookies and one papaya and drunk one cup of ribena and one bottle of mineral water the whole day) and chilled out in front of the tv a while with my brother and my maid while eating dinner (I don't exactly watch tv, and when I do it's usually when I'm having my meal) before going to bathe. Everyone has pretty much been nice to me, which I'm thankful for.

I'm really not looking forward to the weekend, unfortunately this time it's because of council. I went from anti-council back to pro-council mode again and I told myself to work hard for Eleco. That I will do, and I will try not to be too sick on Saturday (thank God Sean messaged me and asked me if I would mind if I'm taken out of the thing I didn't want to do and do campfire work instead. Of course I don't mind! I'd love it!) so I can help out fully with Eleco. I just don't have time. I hate it that tomorrow I'll force myself to go back earlier to school and finish up the board, then go for filming, then spend the whole day Saturday at council. I have a lot of homework to do over the weekend, mainly in Maths and Econs. The school said all CCAs are suspended until Monday. Apparently this doesn't apply to council since we were back at work since Wednesday MORNING when school reopened. I seriously wouldn't mind doing work before Monday, that is not what concerns me, but I am still very angry over the school's reason (I call it excuse) for keeping Ling and Xun back after all their contributions. Council is NOT an ordinary CCA, and you prove this point all the time.

I am very very tired...

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:04 p.m.

Wednesday, April 9, 2003

I need to work harder. Pushing myself again. Really no mood but pushing myself to do certain things.

I've gone through every blog except Prisca's, Wai Kit's and Wen Bing's (either 'cos it's too long :D or they were the last to load somehow). Really trying to speed read without skimming through (i.e. I'm reading word for word and thinking through what's been said). I open many new windows to carry out my blog-reading marathon. I read blogs often, but it's hard to keep up 'cos reading takes up a lot of time, and I read a lot of blogs on a regular basis, namely those I link to.

Today was ok. I'm very very tired though. I'm going to sleep now and waking up at 3a.m. to do Lit. Lit exam tomorrow at 1 but I have the habit of going to school at the usual time (i.e. reaching school at around 6.30a.m.) even if I have an afternoon paper.

I haven't been wasting my time. I was busy throughout the holidays, and I was busy throughout breaks today. For CT I worked on the treasury, during break I ate and worked on my Econs project proposal, and during CT I worked on Lit. Also managed to talk to another friend for about 45 minutes since CT ended early. Econs ended early so I had extra time to do Lit.

I failed my Maths block test. Again. 46/100. But believe it or not, I think that's the highest score I've ever got for my block tests. I will work harder.

I went out with De Wen today. We ate at Pizza Hut, the same meal as the one I ate with Chooi Mei the other day, except for $1 more we only get one glass of pepsi each (as opposed to free flow) and we don't get the salad. I wonder why.

I was happy today and smiling a lot. I still get regular and daily depression cycles, but things are ok.

I looked at my council term today and reflected. What personality do I have? Am I the enthusiastic, extroverted kind of person or the introverted kind? Why was I so enthusiastic during O1 and why did I shy away from my junior class after that? I was enthusiastic because during O1 that was my job and I do my best at my jobs. After that, I was too busy with other activities I couldn't spend enough time with my juniors, although I would not turn them away if they needed help. I remember once when I talked about my problems with Mr. Yeow, he mentioned that he saw me doing council work alone and told me to interact more with the councillors. I realised something today. I can be enthusiastic (and invest my energy in personal relationships etc. and doing my job when it requires me to be enthusiastic), but when it comes to work, leave me alone and let me work. I value work and jobs greatly and I promise you I'll do a very good job. Not because of you, nor my obligation towards you, but because my conscience won't let me turn in a piece of work I'm not proud of. In council, when I'm given a task, I would rather sit alone and attack the banner with paint, and concentrate fully on my task than distract myself with chat. When I'm given papers to fold, I push myself to fold as much as I can in as short a time possible. When I'm given an article or a proposal to write, I don't mind working with others (although I'd rather work on the article myself for greater personal flexilibity and convenience) but I prefer dividing the workload to discussing the writing of the article together (I'd also rather be given time to think alone and then present my ideas than brainstorm together). I don't even mind doing the entire article myself. I work alone, and I work efficiently because I don't have time to waste. Some people can work with distractions (e.g. music and chatting). Well, I don't begrudge them of that. I don't even listen to the radio when I'm online 'cos I need to focus on reading (e-mail and blogs) and writing.

I didn't vote today. I didn't feel it was my right to considering I'm not involved in the preparations at all. I've been praying for comfort. Seriously, just hearing the plot scares me over and over again. (I am still scared, and there are stories from my childhood that come back to haunt me, so right now in order to cure my depression I'm also trying to refrain from such content because I don't need this and it will only have adverse effects, whatever purpose there is.) I don't begrudge anyone of anything. I just don't want to be involved in this at all. Give me a workload of Aspironews articles that will take hours to interview and write, or notice boards to decorate, or proposals and plans to draw up, or things to type, but do not force me to do this. I will come, but I will not get involved. But don't worry, I won't slack. I NEVER slack. I will take the initiative and ask for something else to do.

I tell you, every little sound scares me. But prayer works, and if all these little fears bring me closer to God, then I guess they do have their benefits. But that will be too much to take.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:27 p.m.

Tuesday, April 8, 2003

Hahahahaha...

Finished the Minutes and Treasury. Will reimburse everything tomorrow and collect more receipts and bug Junhao for more money if necessary. Should also print out the Minutes and Treasury in the council room tomorrow.

I really hope we get let off at 2.15p.m. then I can go out with De Wen!!!! ^_^ And hopefully get Armaggeddon by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins. It's the 11th book in the Left Behind series and it's released today!

Because I'm keeping tomorrow free (remember morning briefing, and the minutes and treasury, and the collecting of receipts and the returning of money, and the confirmation of certain things with Yexiang!), I'm going to finish studying my Lit tonight. Did quite a bit already, pretty confident, I hope not over-confident though. It's just that Pinter happens to be my best part of Lit, and I like the way I just write notes when looking at the plot ('cos somehow I can come up with learnt -and new personal- interpretations).

And! Yesterday DW and I had a v good talk, and two more calls later I'm the happiest girl in the universe. ^^ It was very good sharing, although it was a bit of an argument rather than a discussion (but then again, only complex things have arguments right? Plus 'i' is complex! Haha!) and at the end of it I really learnt a lot about him, about myself, why we made certain choices and decisions, why we felt a certain way, and I realise that a lot of things really can't be changed, yet what I can change I should change. I'm glad you told me what you did yesterday, 'cos there were some things I didn't know, and unknowingly irritated you. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the knowledge to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. (Is this the quote?)

One thing I was grateful for though was that throughout this whole stress period, the question posed was whether it was practical to be in a relationship, and not whether we loved each other. Because we knew we did.

Will watch Taiwanese Ah Seng now. Started 7p.m. Dinner time movie. Take care and God bless!

P.S. Thank you Wenjie for calling me last night and asking me to listen to 100.3FM. The songs were v nice, and the programme on depression (symptoms -I realise I have a lot-, and solutions) was v helpful. Yep, tell yourself that death is not a solution when you're happy, talk things out with your friends, find the root of your problem, and try to abstain from depression-inducing things i.e. try not to go out with depressed people -if they will influence you- and don't watch depressing movies. Pretty basic, I guess, but maybe sometimes basic things need to be reinforced too. Maybe I won't watch The Hours after all. :D

Here's a hug for Chooi Mei, Raining and Prisca, for helping me for the past few days. -hug- And for everyone else who cared.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 07:11 p.m.

Tuesday, April 8, 2003

Cute Flirt

What Kind of FLIRT are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Slave
You are a slave

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:16 p.m.

Tuesday, April 8, 2003

Play MASH online

I got this from Prisca's blog.

(1st try)

You will live in House.
You will drive a Orange Toyota.
You will marry Prisca and have 6 kids.
You will be a Journalist in Singapore.

(2nd try)

You will live in House.
You will drive a Beige Toyota.
You will marry De Wen and have 10 kids.
You will be a Journalist in Singapore.

Exactly what I wanted! -laughs heartily-

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 01:18 p.m.

Tuesday, April 8, 2003

(Taken from Christine's blog)

what kind of junkie are you?
you make websites! HTML whore!

(Taken from Plhu's blog)

Which Saiyuki boy are you?
Take the Saiyuki Quiz at anime-doll.com

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:35 a.m.

Tuesday, April 8, 2003

(This entry is taken from Bing Xin's April 6th blog entry. Bold effects were inserted by me.)

22:47 testimonial
had to write a testimonial for my church's upcoming youth event. they'll be giving out copies of it during the evangelistic programme. oh well. since i wrote it, might as well post it. so there u have it... how did i become a Christian?

The first incident that came to my mind would be the death of my close friend Tyrone. Tyrone was my primary school schoolmate, basketball teammate and a great friend to have.

In the year 2000 April 30th afternoon, I received news that Tyrone died. I thought my friend was joking but after confirming with many others, the reality of the event started to sink in. I went for Tyrone's wake that night with my primary school basketball team captain. It was a Christian wake and there was the pastor leading the people into some singing. I was even more lost when my captain started singing along and I had no clue what to do! My initial brush with Christianity is not going well. After some of Tyrone's relatives and church friends delivered his eulogy, the pastor began to give a short little speech. He made a reference to John 11:35(which of course then I had no idea what it's all about). The verse referred to Jesus weeping for the death of Lazarus. Just 2 simple words "Jesus wept." That didn't have much of an impact on me until the pastor said "Just remember that when you are crying for Tyrone here, God is crying for him too." I left the wake with a very heavy heart and a sentence that seemed to be stuck in my mind.

The next day was Tyrone's cremation at Mount Vernon. I couldn't make it because of some work I had to finish. I did remember that the wake was supposed to be at 2.30pm from the day before. After finishing my work I glanced at the clock. 2.30pm. I felt overwhelmed by my inability to be there to see Tyrone off and the sadness with Tyrone's sudden departure. It was then I looked out of the window and thought, "Whoever you are up there, you better take care of Tyrone for me." Then I broke into silent tears. Just at that very moment, in bright daylight and the mid-day sun shining so brightly, it started to rain. It was a very sudden rain and that caught my attention. The sun's scorching and there you have a downpour! As sudden as the heavy rain came, it stopped. The whole incident couldn't have lasted more than 2 minutes. Did God just cry? It seemed to me like it was so. Immediately I felt a sense of relief and peace within me. That incident further inscribed the sentence "When you are crying for Tyrone here, God is crying for him too."

I didn't receive Christ there and then. It wasn't until much later that I made the first move to know God. At the end of the year 2001, I was a total wreck. It was the lowest point in my life as I struggled to cope with school. I had failed half of my subjects and was due to be retained for Seconday 3. I was given a second chance though to take the re-exams after everyone went for holidays. Still I was really down in the pits then. It was then my sister went for an evangelical program and came back with a little booklet that illustrated the 4 spiritual laws. I read through that booklet and at the end of it was the prayer for salvation. I recited word for word with my mouth the prayer. It gave me peace within myself for awhile but just like drugs wearing off, I was soon slumped into depression again. (Esther: This so reminds me of myself.)

I woke up one Sunday morning and felt a voice in my head saying "Maybe you should go to church." It was so strong I asked my dad to drive me to the nearest church. That is how I landed up at BPMC WOW. It would have been crazy to be spending my Sunday morning in a church when I would be better off at a library revising my work for the re-exams. I was also like a lost sheep when I didn't know where to go initially. Thankfully Aunty Deborah directed me to the other youths. That is how I ended up I joining William's DG and later the worship service. The service was just like the one I had a Tyrone's wake in a sense that I had no clue what to do. Still, I had fun interacting with the youths and making new friends. Yet 'socialising' is not really a priority as I had my re-exams to take care of! Somehow I still managed to go back for WOW DG and service every Sunday right up to the one before my re-exams on the next day. I must thank everyone for their prayers then because I passed the re-exams and was promoted to Secondary 4.

The day I received Christ was December 7th during the WOW annual camp. The speaker for the camp, uncle Jacob was very inspiring and I must thank him for some of the important fundamental concept to Christianity. Still, the conversion was Spirit-led and this time, the prayer for salvation seems to flow from within my heart, not from my mouth. I could look back at that day and I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. Not that kind of peace that I felt when I realised I could make it to Secondary 4. It was the knowledge that I know where I'm heading, a feeling that I have a direction in my life and that's God's direction for me.

Previously I used to be a stubborn person, very full of myself. Pride caused many downfalls in my life and after each failure I looked back towards my pride and expect it to carry me back to from where I fell. Indeed the higher you are the harder you fall. I have been living on empty praises, borrowed success, self confessed pride. All these things are transient and once they disappeared from my life, I plummetted. Thankfully God was there to lift me up when I needed him. (Esther: Yes I feel exactly the same way, but I wish I would go to God more instead of avoiding him on purpose.) I couldn't say that I have a 180 degrees change but I felt like I am a completely different person. (Esther: That's the way it should be, but I really do wonder whether my faith is true or if it is just a case of a well-kept conscience -i.e. my own efforts, with minimal reliance on God, which shouldn't be the way- I want to please God, but I don't have an overwhelming desire to do so. I try if it is convenient. I fail especially with regards to sado-masochism, unfortunately.) I dare say that it's the WOW camp which had such an impact on me. The camp verse from 1 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" provided a straightforward answer. Thanks to the wonder of God and His goodness, I'm coping well with His grace.

Looking back at my Secondary 4 year, I wouldn't have crossed a major hurdle in my life without God. The O levels were looming and with the past results I achieved, it is no wonder I became very worried about doing well in the O levels. Yet the harder I try to improve on my score, the less result I seem to achieve. My score did not improve and as the days to O levels approached I became more and more worried about qualifying for a JC. It was then I remembered that during WOW camp last year, uncle Jacob explained a very important concept about being obedient to God's will. Not only doing that in church, but applying that to every aspect of your life. He mentioned that for us to truly be obedient, we have to "let go and let God". This concept sunk in and I realised why I have not been able to experience God's presence in the academic area of my life. Immediately I prayed to God asking for forgiveness, I wanted to do His will, not mine! The only way I could do it is to submit to His sovereign plan. I knew then I have to let go of all my expectations for the exams(6 points, making it to HCJC etc) and let God. One important revelation I discovered is that even though God has a plan for me, I still have to go through the motions, working hard and doing my best(God only helps those that helps themselves first). However this time as I endeavoured for excellent results, I could feel the lessening of my burden and worries. Whatever doubts I had about my results were casted away as I focused on doing my best for the exams. The results? I'll just leave it to God.

Another concept that uncle Jacob has taught during camp was never to steal God's glory. I'll let God's goodness speak for itself. I just want to give all glory and honour to God. Without Him, I'll just be nothing.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 07:34 a.m.

Monday, April 7, 2003

La donna e mobile
from Rigoletto

La donna e mobile
qual piuma al vento,
muto d'accento
e di pensiero.
Sempre un amabile
leggiadro viso,
in pianto o in riso,
e mensognero.
E' sempre misero
chi a lei s'affida,
chi le confida,
mal cauto il core!
Pur mai non sentesi
felice appieno
chi su quel seno,
non liba amore!

(English translation)

Woman is as wayward
as a feather in the breeze,
she changes her tune
and her mind.
A lovable
pretty face,
is always deceitful,
whether weeping or smiling.
Anyone who trusts her
is always wretched,
he who opens his heart to her
is lacking in caution!
But no one can ever be
completely happy
who does not sip love
on that breast.

Russell Watson has a powerful voice. He excellently displays the liveliness of the song, but sounds a little too jerky for my liking.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:07 p.m.

Monday, April 7, 2003

(Taken from Victoria's blog)

I see the world in Pink
Pink: You see the world in bright pink. The world is a happy, happy place! You love all people and things!! Life is great! You're just like a happy child. Spread the cheer.
*this quiz was made by Sara

What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:32 p.m.

Monday, April 7, 2003

This relationship is gone.

You've given me the choice, to break up or not. I haven't broken up yet. But I fear it may come soon. I'm just procrastinating, because I don't want to get hurt again.

Meanwhile let me hide under the cloak of tears for yet another season.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:22 a.m.

Sunday, April 6, 2003

(Taken from Kelvin's blog)

Funny Asian Man

What's Your Personality Type?
brought to you by Quizilla

(Taken from Lucius' blog. Alanna might like this one. I like the results -picture and content- but I wish the font was bigger.)

What Is Your X Japan Ballad?

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:16 p.m.

Sunday, April 6, 2003

Friday Five April 4

1. How many houses/apartments have you lived in throughout your life?
2 in Singapore. 1 in Jalan Arnap, then I moved to my present residence. I also stayed in US for about a year when I was 5 before returning home.

2. Which was your favorite and why?
My current place of residence is my favourite, because it's big. I also have my own lockable room, computer, toilet, and a piano.

3. Do you find moving house more exciting or stressful? Why?
I don't have much of an impression of moving house, but I'd find it more stressful than exciting since it would invariably displace me from a place I'm used to and comfortable with (both within and without). Besides, there would be a lot of packing to do, which would be very stressful given the current cluttered state of my room, and my mother, concerned with packing, would get quite agitated with her perceptions of what she does for the household and what the rest of us are doing in comparison.

4. What's more important, location or price?
Realistically and practically speaking, price. A balance definitely has to be struck between the two, but as Singapore is a relatively small country with good and intricate transport network and system, location is not very much of a problem. However, ideally I would like to live in Central Singapore, in or near the CBD/Orchard area.

5. What features does your dream house have (pool, spa bath, big yard, etc.)?
De Wen. I would like a house which makes good use of glass and light. It should also have a cosy modern interior with soft natural colours like blue and orange (I realise I am making very conflicting statements here, but I have an idea of how my house is to look like and I believe these effects are achievable). A nice garden outside would be good, as well as a basketball court. A piano would be nice too. A Playstation would be ideal (the basketball court and Playstation are really for De Wen's benefit, since I probably wouldn't use them). I like scouring the design pages of Life! newspaper and I've seen quite a few possibilities for interior design. I do not like rustic kampong effects (e.g. mahogany and rattan), ponds or swimming pools, nor spiral metal staircases. Give me clean white marble floors for the living room, a few black beams, and a polished wooden staircase leading upstairs. I oscillate between wanting to live in a condominium (but I'm afraid of heights and sometimes I don't like claustrophobia) and living in a bigger piece of landed property. Give me a garden, so I can feed my king berries as he sits on his throne, as a waterfall tumbles in the backdrop. Think of the electricity wasted on an artificial waterfall though; it hurts me too much to consider it, but a natural one is far from reality (but then again I'm talking about my dream house here).

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:13 p.m.

Sunday, April 6, 2003

(Taken from Ailin's blog)

You are Sirius Black! The dead sexy ex-convict. You
like long walks on the beach and possibly hate
Snape with a passion^^ Go you!

Which of the marauders are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(Taken from Chooi Mei's blog)

Take theWhat Fanfic Draco are YOU? test and find out!
Congratulations! You are Snitch!Draco, by the wonderful Alex. You are hot, horny, strangely attracted to black, and only tamed by one man: Harry. Your impeccable taste and your acerbic wit make you the life of the party, and it's a good thing because you love to have fun, especially in bed. But you have a soft side that Harry brings out in you, that makes you a wonderful, loving partner, and a real catch. Oh yeah. You're also very, very gay.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:51 p.m.

Sunday, April 6, 2003

I've been working on a gift Mon to Sun, from 8+ in the morning to past midnight or up to 4a.m., taking a few breaks here and there, but basically working straight. This explains my fatigue, and perhaps my increased stress level. I thank God for strength and for protection, De Wen for tolerance, other friends for comfort, joy and understanding, and Mei, Christine and Wen Bing for answering all my questions, and helping correct my inadequacies. I've learnt a lot, and I thank God for this one week stint.

It's done, and it will soon be time to get back to other work. I thank God for the two-day extension of the holidays. At least it will give me more time to do my council work, which is next up on my very warped priority list.

Yexiang's birthday was on Wednesday. I thank God for keeping me online on Tuesday night, when Yexiang happened to come online close to midnight. We discussed some council matters, then had a party to usher in his birthday. I was excited and funny and we had a very good time. ^^ I think we made up. Interestingly, Prisca and I were having another party on MSN to celebrate our very belated birthdays. Although I didn't feel like smiling at first, I tried to smile for the party, and my mood was quite positively-transformed. I have to thank Prisca for that, for the dream she told me today too, and for being a very good friend.

Wenjie cancelled the NUS Open House outing on Wednesday because she was concerned about SARS. On Wednesday night, after I'd settled my costume for PubCo filming on Thursday, Yexiang called to inform me that there had been a reshuffling of scenes as Aishu still wasn't allowed out of the house, and that I would only be needed next Thursday. That was indeed a blessing as my parents had been discouraging, and only grudgingly let me go for the filming, and also because I had still not done my council work and was preparing to burn midnight oil. The cancellation of activities on both days enabled me to continue working on the gift, which I managed to complete less than an hour ago.

De Wen cancelled the tentative outing on Friday due to parental objection and Chooi Mei had invited me out so I met her at Jurong Point, where there were Swensen's and Pizza Hut joints. It was a very pleasant outing which I have to thank Chooi Mei for. It started with a hug as all outings with her seem to start pleasantly with (her initiative, given my very withdrawn nature), consisted of more than 2 hours of chatting and laughing over a Pizza Hut lunch, shopping at one gift shop (what was it called?) and walking around. I splurged over $20 on a nice Nici cow notebook for Yexiang and a card for the com to sign on and silver pins for various friends (Mei: I forgot to give you your pin! I'll keep it for you until we meet again.) while Mei got a card for Jillz. We'd wanted Swensen's Sticky Chewy Chocolate ice cream but decided against it since we'd already had a salad, soup, two bread sticks and one personal pan pizza EACH from Pizza Hut (plus I had had two glasses of pepsi and had spent quite a bit already).

My brother had borrowed my broadband line so I did a bit of Maths before becoming heavily demoralised. I spent the next bit of time writing a four page letter to Yexiang on the notebook. I really enjoyed that experience, since for once my letter didn't sound like a boring functional writing essay and I had personal material (e.g. jokes and thoughts) to share.

I've been withdrawn, angry, upset and depressed over the last few days, at times irrational. Xin Yi's called a few times, and I've gone out with my family (although of late I have been blowing up at them) so I thank God for that. My mood can swing quite violently but my emotions are usually kept in check when I'm with people.

Before I collapse in bed now (it's past 3a.m. already and I've got to wake up at 6.50a.m. for church later), let me plug De Wen, who's got a new layout up, and whom I wish God's continual protection, provision, blessing and guidance. I haven't been nice of late, but I realise I love you too much to let you go.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:40 a.m.

Friday, April 4, 2003

My light and my salvation, O Lord, whom shall I fear?
Thou art my life's great stronghold when evil men come near.
Though enemies attack me, my heart will not be a'fraid.
Though war break out against me, Thou wilt come to my aid.

One thing I ask and seek, Lord: to dwell with Thee always.
To gaze upon Thy beauty and seek Thee all my days.
For in the day of trouble, Thou'll hide me, keep me safe.
My head will be exalted; I'll sing and shout Thy praise.

Hear now my voice and answer; have mercy, Lord, I pray.
Thy face will I seek daily; O turn me not away.
For Thou hath been my helper; reject me not, O God.
Though fa'mily may forsake me, I know that Thou wilt not.

Teach me Thy way, my Saviour; in straight paths may I walk.
Let not my foes oppress me with false and vicious talk.
Of this I am most certain: I'll see His goodness still,
Wait for the Lord Jehovah; be strong, take heart, be still.

Words: Susan H. Peterson, 2000 (edited by Dad)
Music: "Aurelia", Samuel S. Wesley, 1864

Dad came in all smiles and gave me the hymn. Wanted me to look at it. I couldn't help smiling (and was irritated with myself 'cos my emotions were heywire again as they have been since Pri Sch) but I pushed him out of the room, was visibly and verbally irritated and LOCKED THE DOOR.

And I feel disgusted with myself although I looked at the hymn, read it through, looked at the music, found I knew the tune, and sang it once through.

Maybe I needed that hymn.

Some online guy ICQed me a URL. I've been ignoring him or giving him one word answers, and I just closed his URL. Then there was this other guy yesterday, and I gave him one word answers or close to that (and he actually drew a bear waving goodnight for me on MSN too...so kawaii...the bear, I mean). I am so unappreciative. I just don't want to be disturbed at the moment. But then again, I'm always busy, ain't I? Too busy for the world, too busy to live. Even in the holidays. I am too busy. Too busy too busy too busy.

-blinks and collapses from the headache and fatigue she's been trying to avoid-

I tell you, Esther, if these two men, the only men in the world you feel comfortable enough with to hold their arms and share with them on your own initiative while out with them, were to, by some unfortunate accident (which you had better pray does not happen anytime in the near future), leave you (either by death or other calamities), you are going to sorely regret your gross mistreatment of them.

I love my dad and you. If only you both knew.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:11 p.m.

Friday, April 4, 2003

Of Prickling Thorns And Wilted Rose
Just written

Of prickling thorns and wilted rose,
Of drying brook and waning stream,
Of stormy sky and heavy snows,
We leave what's real and start to dream.

Of spiky bush and rugged leaf,
Of children's taunts and painful breeze,
The air is thick with mournful grief
Of ended hope and absent peace.

But what is sure is not denied,
So wherefore run the bitter flows
That ride on glistened crystal tide?
The sun will shed present repose
And future drops may not oppose
The baby's footsteps in their stride.

Thou dreamest much of sorrowed things
And singest not the songs of cheer,
But hope yet still the comfort brings,
So live on now, and hold it dear.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:34 p.m.

Friday, April 4, 2003

I feel depressed.

I've yelled at you twice in two days, and I don't want to yell anymore. I feel tempted to call for a...no...don't say that word...you know you don't mean it Esther, otherwise you wouldn't have thought about him day and night... I just feel you aren't treating me fair, you know? Who am I to talk about fairness? Yes, you're trying to be nice, but I feel you're not trying hard enough (now Esther you know this isn't a fair accusation again). Yes, you love, you care, you shower me with hugs and kisses and pamperings...But I still...I still can't take it ok? You have so many issues, with Maths, with family...I try...I pray that God will help me be less selfish and more fair, I don't want to scold you 'cos you apparently can't help it (I don't believe you but I take your word for it) and you have problems to worry about I don't feel like scolding and upsetting you. You've a bright future ahead of you, and I don't want to spoil it.

I've cried for days, and I cried again.

I'm just not feeling well. I've been suffering from daily headaches, and my genitals are sore (well, Esther, you know that's your own fault, and perhaps the headaches are your own fault too). I felt like breaking the skin of my wrist today and I did by scratching. The knife is too painful. I tried before.

You know, the Cheung person who committed suicide (some actor/singer person)...it scares me, 'cos I fear one day I might just lose control and commit suicide. I don't want to die. I really don't want to die.

Is seeing you so much to ask for?

I'm really going to bed now. I'm not feeling well. And I wish I wouldn't keep feeling hot periodically. The air-con is on and I can feel it. I think I just need rest. And I need someone to give me a hug. Which brings me back to my point, I really need you do you understand? I refuse to be desperate.

You haven't gone out with me in more than a week. (Now do I sound whiny?) And I don't get why you can't come out if you're going out on Sun and going back to sch on Mon.

(Esther, look at yourself. And try to see what you can do more. Love is unconditional. Yes, you've put in a lot of effort, and he has too. But while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.)

Does the above paragraph make sense? I can't think clearly but that's all I can make out. I'm trying to counsel myself here, because I happen to (yes, -gasp-) have a gift of counselling, believe it or not, or at least I think I have. I've counselled myself before but I'm v tired now and I can't think.

(Rest. I can feel my head exhausting, and my legs hurt. I can't think. My head feels like it's being squeezed.)

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:41 p.m.

Friday, April 4, 2003

I'm hot (the air-con's on) and v exhausted. God comfort me.

Good night. I'm going to bed.

In other news, I broke the skin near my wrist. But it's nothing serious.

In unrelated news, thanks Mei for lunch today and shopping. I had a v good time. Really. ^^ -hugs-

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:43 p.m.

Tuesday, April 1, 2003

Today is April Fools' Day. I got fooled by three people, I believe, and wished by others. I took part in the well-wishing and laughed off the fools (the acts, not the people) but I didn't fool anyone. April Fools' reminds me of the story of the boy who cried wolf. I think I'm just too serious, but let me stick to my personal conviction.

I've been watching A-Cheng (Channel U 7p.m.) although not religiously. It features two rivalling firms and the families and relationships in the businesses involved. I am particularly interested in the economic concepts demonstrated.

Tomorrow is Yexiang's birthday. I wonder what I will do. I could send him an sms wish, an e-card or e-mail, or give him a card and/or a gift on Thursday when PubCo meets. Since I'm going out with Wenjie tomorrow, I could get his gift as well. The problem is, things are pretty awkward at the moment.

I hope Brother is ok.

I need some counselling on bgr-related issues.

On a happier note, I upgraded my MSN Messenger to MSN Messenger 5.0 and downloaded Messenger Plus! 2. Prisca and I had a lot of fun playing with colours and smiling today. I would encourage those on my MSN list to download this as the colour and icon features on Plus! are not compatible with non-Plus! versions of MSN Messenger. De Wen might be interested to know that there is a female version of the hug, and Prisca, I will smile like that from now on. :D

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:36 p.m.