Make It Good by a1 is playing in my head at the moment. What a great song! I drove DW crazy last night yelling at him to run to the radio at least three times to listen to Mandy Moore's Only Hope (No. 4), Darren Hayes' Insatiable (No. 2) and a1's Make It Good (No. 1)! I was a little astonished when I heard that a1's Caught In The Middle was on Don't Ask For It, but cheered up a lot later when I found out that part of the reason for that could be that people were voting for Make It Good instead. A great song! I love it! :)
Why am I posting tonight's blog so early? The main reason is I'm upset, and I'm not going to eat my dinner in silence and misery downstairs alone. Instead, I'm going to multitask by doing my work online and eating my dinner at the same time. Why am I upset? My mother...she doesn't seem to care and she doesn't bother to listen to me. All the information she knows about me is through what I tell her every night. I'm obliged to spend 1 hour with her telling her about my day and asking about hers because I'm her daughter. PS: The above is my unspoken responsibility, given by myself to myself, but it's still important to me. My mother doesn't bother to think before she speaks. I told her I failed my English Literature block test (more about that later) and she said I didn't study. That isn't very nice encouragement to someone who's just failed a test. Besides, I was trying to tell her how I felt about my relationship with the family, that they didn't bother to listen and that I wish they would stop accusing me and start being more understanding, but she accused me of being oversensitive and later went upstairs.
Needless to say, I was mad, and I still am mad!!! It hurts to be callled oversensitive, especially when someone labels you without even finding out what you really feel about things and why you feel that way. I dislike my parents in that they only really care about me on the surface. As long as I don't bring trouble to them, as long as I do well, they don't bother about me. Of course it's good in that they don't care even if I come home late, but it hurts sometimes to know that I'm not getting support from my family. Besides, my family isn't getting too well. I argue with my brother whenever we meet and my parents are too busy to bother about me. Besides, my father is always yelling at my grandmother, and my grandmother is in turn giving a lot of trouble, while my maid is rude to me. Today I came back from school finding the gate locked!!! Apparently that's to prevent my grandmother from going out. I say she's senile but no one bothers to put her in a mental hospital. Why not? For face? Too much trouble? Who cares about my opinions anyway?
I'm going to see the school counsellor soon. I'm upset about a few things, but not going into major depression. Still, I want these things to be solved, and I feel I need some professional guidance. If I have time, I will try to see her soon. It should do me good to be able to talk things out and maybe get advice from a teacher since one of my problems is about a teacher anyway.
Yes, I suddenly remembered that I've got to talk about my English Literature. Of course, I knew that I would fail since I only attempted about half the paper. Of all things, I studied Sylvia Plath's concepts and poems on Death and Dying, Rebirth and Regeneration, and Motherhood and Babydom and guess what? Marriage and Womanhood comes out...and it's totally slipped my mind that Sylvia Plath even touched on those. I guess it's no excuse since I should know my syllabus well, but it was a mistake that happened. I got 23/50, which got me pretty disappointed (and close to tears) even though I had psycho-ed myself not to think too much about it. One of the things that got me upset was that I failed my Maths and my English Lit., which means I failed 2 A Level subjects, and not only that, I also probably scored the lowest in class for these two subjects, which I'm not happy about. SJ did very well, scoring a straight A of 38/50. On one hand, I am happy for her, but on the other, I feel a little sad in comparison, especially because I believe (though without concrete evidence) that she just happened to hit upon a lucky stone as she studied marriage and womanhood only, while I studied the rest of the themes to no avail.
Never mind. I guess this pales in comparison to what DW might be going through at the moment because he didn't do too well in his Maths. Don't feel sad, k? You can always do better the next time, and besides, you know where you stand. DW's grandmother also underwent an eye surgery today, which DW says it's pretty scary since the person undergoing surgery gets local anaesthesia and sees the operation going on in her eye, even though she doesn't feel any pain. I prayed for her just now and I hope she's all right.
There's council tomorrow. I'm struggling to get a lot of things done, plus I have to touch up my English Literature essay and do another one, as well as catch up on my Maths. My studies are suffering. I need to buck up as soon as possible so I won't mess up my second block test like I did my first so far. I hope my other subjects will do well so I at least have something to show my parents. After all, they never understand if I do badly...and they don't care enough to understand either.
I'm going out with DW tomorrow to catch a movie. I hope it's great, but the main reason for watching a movie is to go out with him too. I still feel periodically nervous about this whole relationship, because things have never been so real before, nor a boyfriend so caring for that matter. I just hope I'll be able to spend as much time as possible with all my friends so as not to neglect a single one of them.
PY and I have reconciled. It took some effort from SJ too. I guess there was a misunderstanding. PY was sad and lonely and Stephanie told her that I was out with DW, so she got pretty resentful that I was going out with him instead of her. It was my fault too, because in the midst of making sure I wasn't neglecting any of my friends, I somehow forgot her, and only made sure of XY, CM and DW. I'm glad the whole tiff was over with a smile and a hug, as well as some mutual apologising. I was doubtful of our friendship during this tiff, and reminded of the one I had with CM quite a while ago, but thankfully, like the one with CM, it's over now. I'm glad I kept PY as a friend.
During our talk though, PY was talking very loudly about council and it just happens that Cristelle (a councillor) was passing by. I hope Cristelle doesn't jump to conclusions about the whole matter. I always feel a certain sense of uneasiness when I'm talking about council, afraid that I might anger a few people. People just have to understand that they don't understand each other fully, and not jump to conclusions. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions. After all, yesterday, I found out that TK and Dennis are quite nice people, even though they shouted at the elects during the council camp. I guess there are always two sides to everything. Even though I used to hate my English Literature (Much Ado About Nothing) teacher, I appreciate her much more now.
I guess that's all for the time being. I hope I'll be able to cope with everything I'm having. I'm getting quite worried.
Avenging Angel spoke on Tuesday, April 30, 2002 07:27 p.m.
Today was Sports Day!!! :) Finally, after all the sessions of banner and flag painting, souvenir packing and cheering sessions, Sports Day arrived! I was kind of frustrated with the bulk of the students who were praying for rain so that Sports Day would be cancelled, especially after it really rained heavily and Dennis said that he was sad that all our hard work was wasted. I guess it was wasted somewhat, but I still enjoyed the work sessions.
At least it stopped raining in the end but we had to go home later because Sports Day started late. I enjoyed running to and fro getting the boxes for people to sit on so they wouldn't have to sit on the wet ground but because I was mainly working, I didn't get to see many races. I feel that the highlight of my day was when I ran a race. I was approached by Lauren to run for the 16 by 200m relay race since there was a shortage of runners. Even though at the start I (as well as a friend) was worried that I wouldn't be able to last 200m, because even though I've been running informally, and I did run 200m races before, I haven't participated in such races for quite some time. I'm glad to say that when I ran, I finished the race without hardly using much energy because the race just ended so fast. In fact, I was shocked that it ended so fast. Even though I felt I could have run better, and knew that I wouldn't have been able to get a silver without my teammates (i.e. if it had been an individual race), I still am glad that I got a medal (because they don't come easily for me) and that I am given a chance to run formally again. I've always loved short sprints (not those long ones they give you during P.E.) and I was glad I could exercise my legs a little, even though my legs are suffering from the after effects of running the whole day.
I'm sick though. I didn't even feel like coming to school today, and I had an argument with my mother over whether I should come to school or not, but even though I won the argument (not to come to school), I decided against it and came anyway. I guess I've been sick quite some time. Didn't take P.E. today because I had a headache and wasn't feeling too good during Geography too. Thankfully today was a short day in terms of the lessons. Hope I'll be able to survive the next few days.
Alanna gave me a letter today!!!! Thanks Alanna! :) Really liked it a lot and it put a smile on my face even though I wasn't feeling too good at first. Sigh...one thing about writing letters is that I can't write a lot, because I use up more energy writing than typing. Besides, you can't see your letters after you send them and I use plain paper, unlike your nice letter writing paper. But maybe I should use nice letter writing paper too. *Considers buying a new stack of letter writing paper* At least I can write letters in between breaks and maybe even during boring lessons. That way I can multitask.
Went out with DW tonight. Many people are seeing me with him and asking about the two of us. I don't really mind them talking to me seriously about us but I don't like it when people go nudging here and there and giving me this kind of 'ooh er' reaction. It's almost as if they're not taking the relationship seriously, and not respecting both parties involved. But that's how I feel anyway. I bet my friends don't feel that way. They're just surprised, so I don't really blame them.
PY sent me this sms today containing quite a serious message which accused me of 'ditching her for my lover boy' (she really said it this way) and that she hates me. She also called me a traitor. I was really hurt that she did this and I don't know why after 3 months of being best friends in JC with her (yes, XY, don't get jealous, you're still my Monday to Sunday best friend LOL) she has to go and hurt me like that. Maybe I really hurt her, as she said, but I didn't mean to. Maybe she didn't either. I just get quite upset when people accuse me of not spending more time with them because I'm trying. I don't even spend time with myself, for goodness sake! Argh...it'll take something to help me to stop getting angry with her, even if she's no longer angry with me. True, she may be joking, but that's not my idea of a joke. But perhaps when I see her everything will be ok. After all, how bad can a best friend be?
Avenging Angel spoke on Monday, April 29, 2002 10:36 p.m.
Tired. Tired. Tired. I need sleep. Will try to come back later even though I didn't go online for the past two days. Argh. Just to let you know I'm still alive...even though living a death. Get it?
Avenging Angel spoke on Sunday, April 28, 2002 07:41 p.m.
Today is a great day in terms of lesson activity. It's normally a great day because I end at 3.40pm (my earliest day apart from CCA day) and also because I get two breaks. Since this is Maths Week, however, some students will be taking part in the Maths Trail during the Maths lecture, and since I'm not taking part, there isn't any Maths lecture to attend, resulting in me being free for two whole periods.
It's a blessing. I can do so much for myself during my free time. Even if I don't seem to accomplish anything of worth e.g. homework, I still manage to be relaxed and to enjoy what I'm doing. After all, I still manage to enjoy working online and doing council work (both for my NeoPets guild council and school Students' Council) even if these two commitments take up most of my time.
Guess what?! I've actually been sent for counselling! Ok, not exactly, but my Maths (CT) tutor actually told the school counsellor about my breaking down episode and she called me to see her today. Sigh...I don't really feel comfortable with going, but I feel an obligation to, and besides it just might be good for me. I wish I had more time on my hands though. Today, I might have to forego my outing with my best friend for council, and faculty. I don't know if it's right to do this, but perhaps if my faculty is lenient, they may spare me the work on the banner today if I promise to work on it tomorrow. I'm going out with DW but it's more flexible in a way because I communicate with him more often and can do the banner in between the going out with him. I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish here. Sigh...maybe I should just learn to prioritise things. Is there a standard for prioritising though? I don't think so. It is subjected to each individual's thoughts on which activity is more important to them. I'm trying to strike a balance between what I know is ethical and what I really desire. I desire to be with my friend but I know that I have commitments elsewhere, and as my council teacher and senior councillors have repeatedly stressed, my absence means more work for other people, and it would take a lot of extra effort to start again tomorrow.
DW was cool. He actually taught me a little bit of Maths this morning and later came out from Physics lecture to lend me his mp3 player to listen since I was depressed. I appreciated his downloading of my favourite song, Only Hope by Mandy Moore, and taking the initiative to do little kind things like that. Thanks DW! Though I can't see why I deserve that kind of treatment.
I got back my GP essay today. I got 34/50 for Block Test!!! That's a great WOW!!! because I've never reached a B standard for Content or Language and this time I reached it for both. It was brilliant seeing a 3 in front instead of a 2. :) I'm happy with my result. My teacher also complimented me on good work in front of the entire class, but I kept a stony face. For some reason, I felt happy but didn't feel like taking on happiness at the expense of others.
So I'm here sitting in the computer lab now. My Geography lecture starts in slightly less than an hour. What shall I do? I wanted to go for counselling but my teacher is talking to someone else. Maybe I'll try again later. I hope I won't have to skip Geography though.
Ok...this entry is long enough. Looking forward to more updates pretty soon.
Avenging Angel spoke on Thursday, April 25, 2002 01:16 p.m.
Really tired now. At least I managed to finish all my NeoPets business (personal) and be updated on CM's blog and LiveJournal. Wanted to do Alanna's blog as well but couldn't find it. Where is it, Alanna? Am pretty proud of myself. Chased DW offline just now in a fit of irritation though, not at him but just at anything and everything. Plus I have council tomorrow, Friday and Saturday. Yes...council is cool but it takes up A LOT of time.
Still have mail on my father's computer to clear. I can't access it now because I'm in my room on my own computer. Must train to sleep shorter hours, but hopefully I won't be falling asleep in class tomorrow. I wonder how I can ensure that I get sufficient sleep and yet have enough time for everything. Guess people would say prioritise but the thing is I want to do a few things that I'm not willing to forsake just because I don't have enough time. I'm going to sacrifice on things such as sleep.
I don't really like the attitude of my parents. Not only am I angry with my father about his breach of my privacy, I'm also angry with my mother for not supporting me in my work. No one really knows or cares that I have loads of undone homework and that I'm going to stay up late at night to do everything. I don't want to slack. I want to do well in my studies. The only problem is that I need sleep for my brain to be active and capable of thought. Maybe I'll go to sleep now and wake up at 5a.m. to do my Maths.
Sigh...life...I'll probably see the school counsellor tomorrow.
Avenging Angel spoke on Thursday, April 25, 2002 12:55 a.m.
I cry every night...
Crying...
Crying...
Sigh...and if anyone of you who are disappointed they ever supported me for council is reading this...please don't be. I will do my job. I will try my best. I will give my all. I will take initiative and not do just because I'm told to do. Maybe I'll make my private life totally invisible to the public. After all...who cares? Who has the time and energy to anyway? I'm just another individual in the world. Soon I'll be another corpse.
Avenging Angel spoke on Wednesday, April 24, 2002 10:40 p.m.
Today was not a very pleasant day, aside from the fact that I finally got to go out with CM.
It started with me not waking up to the alarm clock and my maid waking up late too, hence not waking me up. The worse thing was I had to go for council morning briefing. I scrambled from my bed, rushed my washing up, barely looked at the mirror, grabbed everything I could grab, dashed out of the room, came back to take some more things I forgot to take initially, and virtually dashed out the door and ran to the bus stop.
Of all days, the bus had to take a very long time to come. Objectively speaking, it wasn't very long considering the range of time one has to wait for a bus at that time (less than 15 minutes), but I felt that I could have made it to school on time if the bus had come slightly earlier. Furthermore, it travelled slowly (once again, within normal range but it could have travelled faster) and stopped at numerous traffic lights. I wasn't feeling at all well as I sat in the bus. Communicated with DW and belted out my limited vocabulary of swear words (basically the one word 'shit'). Oh yes, I forgot to bring my wallet and my Spy Card too, and my collar pin went missing during the scramble although I distinctly recalled taking it with me before I dashed out of my room.
Finally, I reached school, but I decided not to run from the bus stop into school because it was already 7.30a.m. and council morning briefing would have ended. I felt really sorry for myself and angry with God for allowing this to happen. I also felt sad that I would be the first person to get demerit points for breaching the disciplinary system, just implemented today. Besides, I believe in self-discipline, and I know I have self-discipline, hence I really hate people disciplining me.
I was pretty surprised at myself. In my miserable state, I saw Cheryl with her friends and went up to her moaning about my misery, then all of a sudden I found myself breaking down in tears. I started crying so hard, I think Cheryl was shocked and so were her friends. She tried to comfort me and escort me to the class bench. I was supposed to meet DW in the canteen but went to the class bench anyway because I was crying so hard. A few minutes (or was it seconds?) after that, the bell rang, and I didn't want to go to morning assembly in such a devastated state so I told Cheryl I'd be in the toilet. Who knows, after a little bout of crying in the toilet, she came back, saying that my CT tutor asked her to accompany me and make sure I was ok. She stayed with me until morning assembly ended, then I gave DW his posters and left for lessons.
I appreciate my CT tutor's concern, and the concern of Cheryl and the many friends who asked about me later in the day. One of the effects of walking past the class bench crying was people actually noticed me, even if I was too absorbed in my crying to notice them. Anyway, I suddenly received an sms from the school counsellor during my outing with CM, asking if I can meet her tomorrow. I wonder why.
I went back to my old school for the Outstanding Achievement Award. It was great seeing old friends and teachers, getting a lovely plaque and enjoying the tea reception. After that, I went out with CM to Lido. It was great, but I was doing my Maths tutorials too. I felt bad about leaving her out, even though I was listening to her (though not fully) and catching the gist of what she was saying.
I'm now frustrated because I found out I've been missing out a lot of council e-mails because my father has been downloading them into his computer and even reading some of them! How could he?! Yes, and I'm venting my anger on DW just because he is online and talking to me at the moment. I know he actually took time to come accompany me as I work online but I don't appreciate people at the moment. Just a pity for them. I wonder if I will frustrate him so soon he'll just up and go. That will be the last straw for me. I will just hate everyone in this world and die but who cares? As if anybody does. I don't even feel anymore.
Avenging Angel spoke on Wednesday, April 24, 2002 10:40 p.m.
Rushed to go out with XY today and then rushed back to school. Tried to call CM to arrange an outing tomorrow but couldn't get to her. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.
Tomorrow the council will be going to cheer for the table-tennis match finals but I won't be going because I will be attending the Outstanding Awards Presentation in my Secondary School. Hope the day will be alright. Thankfully it will be a generally short day. I hope I will be able to get some things done tomorrow...to make use of that extra free time.
I ran for ELECO chairperson but I didn't get elected. Nevertheless I enjoyed the Q and A session and I was pleased with my performance. I felt grateful to my direct senior for nominating me despite my depression. It really boosted confidence. I guess I've to thank God for this.
DW pointed out this thing about God. Am I really a Christian? I'd like to think I am. I went through this long period of doubt of whether I was a Christian or not and prayed the Salvation Prayer many times (virtually every night). I would like to think I came out saved in the end. Anyway I don't want to think too much about it yet. I hope I won't regret this.
I'm tired and sick now so I'm going to sleep. I'm depressed too. Hopefully things will be better.
Avenging Angel spoke on Wednesday, April 24, 2002 12:31 a.m.
Haven't blogged in a while so I shall take some time off to do it now. Council is taking up more and more time. This week alone, I know I have council from Monday to Wednesday. Right now it's 11.25pm and I just finished coming home and taking my bath. I think I must get used to this routine. On one hand it's fun because I really love council sessions, and I also get to stay up late away from home, but on the other hand, it's resulting in me having less time to spend with my friends. Perhaps it's an opportunity for me to treasure my friends more? I've had to turn CM down twice already. I hope that I'll be able to go out with her the next time we plan an outing. It's just too bad that council takes precedence over basically everything.
This council elect made a big blunder during elections for working committee chairpersons today. I sympathised with him somewhat, so I wrote a note down to him to encourage him. It's quite cruel to say this, I guess, but I feel better about my mistake now. I guess everyone is prone to mistakes too. I've learnt not to judge so much and not to take everything too seriously. A mistake is best learnt from and forgotten, not dwelt on. I hope he feels better now. He didn't look too good during the elections, and furthermore a few councillors were quite angry and frustrated with him. Sometimes I wonder why the councillors are so serious and uptight about things. Maybe it's because they put in so much effort and so they tend to set higher standards on things. Now when I watch my friends eat sweets in class, tuck out their blouses, wear ankle-length socks and in general, break the school rules, I feel different, though not superior. I feel a little distanced from it all. I'm not the person to deal with others because I really believe that they are responsible for their own actions, but even though I may feel the slight temptation to eat in class, I'm able to control it, and not break the rules. Perhaps a rule is a rule and I want to get myself into as little trouble with the administration as possible.
Some of my friends got back their block test results today. DW topped his class in Maths Section B. Congratulations!!! :) I'm proud of you! I don't think most of my results will be satisfactory, and we have to pass a copy of our results to the General Secretaries, but I hope that I won't be too overly devastated when I see the actual results and not go into depression. Actually, I'm already in depression, but I'm trying not to let my depression show. I know I'll be getting my Maths results tomorrow because I asked.
Two people e-mailed me about my blog. Thanks for your e-mail! Amidst the 100s of mail I have to read, I really welcome personal e-mails and appreciate them greatly. It's heartening to know that people are reading about my blog. At least someone is caring about me. Over here at home, I don't even feel love from my family. Everyone seems to be a separate entity. Just now, after I came home from a long day at school (and after being sick and tired the whole of last night and this morning), my father just came to my room and asked me curtly if I'd locked the door. I said yes, and then he asked me if I'd switched off the lights. I said no, and he looked very pissed off and ordered me to go downstairs and switched off the lights. I mean, at 11+ at night, I don't really appreciate being welcomed home like this. But I know I'm not in the worst state. I have a friend who's parents are divorcing and she doesn't feel their love for her. Furthermore, she got fired by my NeoPets guild council. I actually didn't approve her firing, and I did consider quitting the guild because of that, only that I didn't think there would be any point. This friend doesn't have the address to this blog, I believe, but anyway, I support you Jillz!!! You know that. I love you as a friend and I'm with you.
Oops...I forgot to add. DW and I are a couple! YAY!!! As much as I'm glad about it though, there comes with it commitments, as well as certain responsibilities. I know that I've to be extra cautious with what I do or say and that I do have to plan my time properly. I know it doesn't sound good worrying about things like this, but, I've been in a depressed mood lately, so I really only think about depressing things, and I do want to tread carefully because I respect people's feelings. Oh yes, DW, I've been thinking that maybe I talked too much today. Did you feel ignored? If so, I'm really sorry. I know from experience that one tends to get carried away. I'll pay more attention to you and less to me next time.
That's it. After my friend's firing, I felt more conscious about my spot in the guild council. I don't want to be fired too, because as all councils should be, it's become a part of me and I'd be really upset if I were forced to leave it. I should work harder then and be more careful. Sigh...
Avenging Angel spoke on Monday, April 22, 2002 11:44 p.m.
I went offline for a while to change the keyboard of the computer. Seems like the connector from my old keyboard was spoilt, resulting in a bad connection and the keys not being able to function properly sometimes. Anyway, now I've got this new keyboard, and it's so much more easy to press the keys and makes less noise when I'm typing too. I'm enjoying this.
A pity I often don't thank people face to face. I looked unappreciative and impatient at my dad. I don't know if he was hurt. I just can't help it sometimes. Sigh...don't know if things will get better or not. Objectively speaking, my parents do show they care often, it's only that my distance from them makes it hard for me to accept and appreciate them. I know deep down that I do love them, but I don't show it because I don't have the mood to show them.
Avenging Angel spoke on Thursday, April 18, 2002 09:13 p.m.
Sigh...I ate my dinner in the end. My father actually barged in with his mouth full, asking me if I'd taken dinner. I said no, to be honest, and then told him it didn't matter, but he still made me eat dinner so I went down and crammed all the food into my mouth as fast as I could, while my senile grandmother started muttering gibberish and picking an argument with my maid.
My face was totally dull and I started to hate all men. I personally think I'm abused by my father, even though no one else would think so. Somehow I started to link everything to school, thinking about what would happen if I broke down in school or got scolded by teachers. I'm such a perfectionist I sometimes can't stand criticism. If my teacher actually scolds me quite harshly, I think I'll take it quite hard, like the comment made from my friend just a few weeks ago.
Talking about my friend, he hasn't been on good terms with me. He doesn't respond to my greetings, and doesn't smile at me. Maybe he's sore about the incident, because SJ went to talk with him, but if he is, at this moment, I really despise him. Maybe it's just my selfish nature again. I just get very mad sometimes when people don't understand me and do certain things which unknowingly hurt me.
I'm going to go on NeoPets awhile and then go to bed, waking up in the morning to study English Literature. Hopefully I'll manage to study my English Literature and do all right for the test. It's not that I'm slacking, it's just that my priorities are all mixed up and I'm tired and sick. So there.
Avenging Angel spoke on Thursday, April 18, 2002 08:29 p.m.
I'm not feeling well at the moment. Actually, I felt really sick just now at the Student Lounge and napped awhile there but now I not only feel stomachache but also headache. I'm really not well, and I'm suffering from depression.
XY and I went back to our old school to see some teachers. It was cool to see them, I guess, but I didn't really speak much because I had nothing to say. Seeing my Higher Chinese teacher was ok, but I felt reminded of my bad results in the O levels. I felt quite hurt when my Higher Chinese teacher kept harping that I didn't work hard enough, and hence have to suffer the fate of taking AO Chinese for a year. Besides, she also talked about this girl who did much worse off than me at first but eventually scored very well for the O levels in Higher Chinese. I could joke about it with her on the surface but inwardly I was about to cry. Perhaps I really do regret not studying harder.
I realise I'm a good listener and maybe I should function as one. I had a lot of things to tell XY today, as well as the teachers during occasional periods, but she kept cutting in. I was a little upset at first, but I guess I don't blame her for being excited. She has a right to that, and I don't think she meant any harm. I managed to listen and actually learn a lot from what she had to say though, so maybe I will start listening and stop talking so much. Perhaps people won't think I'm trying to be cold if I don't talk too much. Besides, I'm quite careless when I talk sometimes and tend to reveal things I shouldn't reveal.
Right now I'm in a funk (ha, I learnt that from you, Alanna). I'm feeling really sorry for myself, and yet I don't really want to talk about it with anyone, except maybe through this blog and via e-mail. I don't see the need. Suddenly, what I want to say doesn't matter to me. I guess I've stopped caring about myself and will put this energy towards caring about others instead. I have more or less decided not to run for anything in council. I don't have the time and I don't want to be at the forefront. Suddenly, these things don't matter either. I just want to keep serving. Maybe that should be the right attitude. One of the things I hope to change is the Students' Lounge. I was so appalled by its state today. It was hot and stuffy, and not at all comfortable. Besides, everything was a little messy. If I had the money, I would seriously install an air-conditioner there. I don't care if I myself don't really use the Students' Lounge. People do, and I want to make it comfortable for them.
Read Alanna's blog today. Are you ok? Thanks for mentioning me. I was really pleasantly surprised to see my name there. At least someone remembers something about me. :) Hope you're alright. I don't know you well enough to comment about you now, but I guess I too, feel like doing the same thing as you do, or want to do, only, as I said, I've got no courage. Well, if it makes you feel better, one of the reasons I'm going for the Arts Fac party is because you're there. Yes, I'm supporting you!!! So go gal! You can do it! Hope you recover soon. And no, it was just a start sitting there at the class bench with you, and I really appreciated that opportunity. It was nice just sitting there, even though you were starting to freak out. ;)
DW drew a nice picture of me. I'm amazed it looks so like me, especially the hair. Thanks DW! I'm keeping it nicely. I appreciate the time you took to draw that picture for me. Hopefully I'll get the chance to show it, and the picture of the elf to CM. ;)
Hope CM will go out with me this Saturday. Rumour has it that I have council on Saturday. I'm not sure, but hopefully I'll still get the chance to go out with CM. Council can be at any time, even in the afternoon, and the worse thing is that council precedes the Arts Fac party, so if it ends late, I will have to go late for the party. I will still go, but I don't like being late. Maybe if I'm early, I can help out a little. I wonder who will be the new Fac Head. I'm not running for it, so I'm out, but I know that all the 5 people from Humanities will be running for the post. I think all of them are capable.
Am considering quitting NeoPets guild council. I know it was the main reason which propelled me to join the Students' Council but maybe it's taking up too much of my time? I don't want to feel this strange sense of loss I felt the last time I quitted though. I just feel I'm unable to commit. Maybe I'm dropping one thing at a time because I'm depressed. I'm throwing my life away. Suddenly I don't feel anymore. Or maybe I don't want to feel. I wish I could hug someone and cry. :(
Will go through another rush session for English Literature revision. Somehow I don't learn my lesson. Oh well...I don't think I like IRC though, so I won't go there. Hope to see some friends online, especially the closer ones like those who read my blog here. Want to hear them out before I am forced to start on work.
Feeling bad about myself. Wondering if I'm worth anything. Sometimes I feel so distant from everyone else. I don't think anyone understands me now...not even XY and CM. I'm retreating into myself...a dangerous form of depression, and somehow I don't think I'm able to face it. Do I have to resort to suicide??? I felt bad about myself the whole day. I think I'm such a jerk, and such a superficial person. I don't know. Do I even care? :( :( :( Misery floods my soul.
Sigh...this is really a long blog. I'm back from dinner. Actually, I just went down and came up, because I stared at the food and refused to eat. It's not the food. It's me. Somehow I want to starve myself to them. I'm not even worth the food I eat. I don't want to eat anymore.
My second-intake classmates are really cool! They actually organised this lunch for us, inviting us to Seoul Garden tomorrow. :) I think I'll go. I just hope I'll be able to eat though. Personally, I don't want to participate in any more of life's activities because I'm so sick of life, but I think I'll go. Maybe that will do me good. *wonders how she's going to study Sylvia Plath tonight when she's already so depressed. Maybe that will help her relate to Plath?*
-groan- Somehow I prefer Alanna's way of writing the feelings. The star looks a little sickening now. A little too festive, like a Christmas tree star. I'm not in the mood. -cries-
Avenging Angel spoke on Thursday, April 18, 2002 08:05 p.m.
Geography was not good at all. I'm even quite doubtful I'll pass, even though I hope against hope that whatever answers I gave were enough to give me a pass. I'm not even hoping for an A because the paper was dreadful.
It wasn't the questions. The questions were so straightforward if you knew everything to the tips of your fingers, you would be able to blurt everything out and score for the paper. I think Pamela will do well. But then again, if she is really so much like I was in the past, then she will do well for the tests but not so well for the more important tests e.g. Promotional Examinations and A Levels.
It was more of the time constraint. Right now my arm and hand hurt because I was rushing to complete the paper. And even though I was rushing, I still couldn't finish the paper. I actually left one 4 mark question blank and spent 10 minutes on a 10 mark question, resulting in me only being able to write 2 paragraphs for certain 10 mark questions. I misestimated the time required for the paper. I had divided equally the time spent on each of the two sections but actually Section A was only worth 20 marks while Section B was worth 50 (I think). I think it was my fault for not being able to use my time wisely.
Also, my head is not feeling too good now because I rushed everything in the morning. Certainly it saved me from true disaster but in the end, I only had a vague idea of the concepts. Some of the facts were jumbled up in my head. I forgot if the eluviation of silica applied to the ferralitic or ferruginous soils, which was bad, because I had to contrast the two. Sigh...
So anyway I have some time before I meet PY later and then go out with XY. I just went out with DW for lunch. That was cool. I hope I'll stop imagining things about him. Maybe it's just flattering to be under so much attention all the time, but yes, this has got to stop, and I accept full blame for it. Maybe things will get better soon. Heard that council will end past 11 tomorrow...wow! Heard also that there'll be council on Saturday. As much as I want to be faculty head, I don't know if I really want to run for it. I don't think so. PY encouraged me to run but I'm not that enthusiastic about certain things, so I'm contented to work behind the scenes. Hopefully people don't think I'm slacking and not doing my work because I will be, just that they won't see it.
I've got a collar pin! Christine sold one to me. :) Yes! At least I'll be able to show I'm a proud student of my school. Cool. Gotta go on NeoPets now and clear some things. I'm never free.
Avenging Angel spoke on Thursday, April 18, 2002 12:56 p.m.
Right. Here I am now typing this just before I go to school for the block test (Geography). Personally, I'm feeling ok about the Physical Geography test because I'm more confident in Physical Gegraphy, and I actually managed to go through nearly all of the Physical Geography lecture notes. I don't think I will be able to remember all the points, but at least I will have something to say during the test. As for Human Geography, I only got to Chapter 2 out of 9. I will try to rush it out later if I can on the bus, and even before I leave the house. I actually spent only about 1 hour on most of the Physical Geography notes, so I will hopefully be able to rush out the Human Geography and do pretty ok.
Right now I'm not confident of beating my rival. I'm just sadly hoping that she's not as clever as I think she is. After all, this is our first test, and the question she asks in class are not very intelligent sometimes. I hope that the paper will go at least reasonably well for me. Judging from the effort that I put in, I should at least get a decent pass, but I'm not getting my hopes too high for an A. I know I could have put in more effort. Which reminds me that yesterday I actually went on IRC for the first time in the school channels and chatted so much I didn't have time to settle my other Internet work (e.g. NeoPets).
I haven't done the Grab Bags and the Welcomers for a long time. That's irresponsible of me. I will get down to doing it soon...and also keep up to date with my other council materials. Oh yes, there's going to be an Arts Fac party on Saturday! Cool! I'm looking forward to it and I already told Alanna and KZ I'm going...hopefully CM will be able to come too, after all she was from Arts here. I have council until 9(?) on Friday though, so she'll only be able to call me at home after 10(?), I think.
Wish me luck in Geography today. :) Just thought I'd relax a bit on the Internet before I start studying again. I realise my mind is starting to wander somewhat when I study. After all, one hour of full concentration of study is really tough. I now realise why my productivity is normally so slow...it's because I'm not putting full concentration. I could have had a better day and night yesterday if I'd used this desperate method earlier, but I don't want to judge because this desperate method only works according to my desperation.
The school counsellor smsed me yesterday with words of encouragement to find out how I am. I haven't responded yet. Don't know what to say. The truth is, I'm still depressed every day about different things...about what the world thinks of me and not only about council. Sigh...I don't think I'm running for ExCo anymore. I can see that even without the busy schedule of council, I'm already busy enough. I know I've overestimated myself enough, and now I'm paying for it (e.g. Geography).
Avenging Angel spoke on Thursday, April 18, 2002 06:07 a.m.
Another period of enjoyment on the Internet as well as rushing to complete as much as I can on the Internet. Amazing how one needs to rush enjoyment too. Or is it just me?
As I was walking home, crossing the overhead bridge, I looked down at the expressway and saw the new dark tar road that I never noticed was even being retarred. I suddenly had this obsession with tar. I started to notice the road leading to my house even, and questioning why tar became lighter over time. I was even using the tar on the road to remember what happened in the past, noticing that the part of the road closer to the houses was darker than the main road itself, and recalling that there was a period of retarring after SCV came to install cable outside the houses. Funny my family didn't install cable that time though...hmm...
Today, we had CL AO. I actually went to school early for council morning briefing, but was told later that there wasn't any morning briefing for elects. I was a little relieved though, because I then had the chance to get some breakfast before I was disciplined to study. I studied in the Reading Room, then was called down to the class bench, where SJ was studying. I didn't do any studying there though, because I couldn't concentrate. I think I study best undisturbed, with no one around (not even a quiet student) and in a quiet room. Anyway, I listened to my friends' chatting for awhile, then went off to talk to Alanna. Actually I was looking at Alanna for quite a while because I was considering whether to go talk to her or not, especially since she was busy doing work, but I decided anyway to talk to her. She was nice, and I admire her ability to multi-task (do work and listen at the same time), but she seems to be on a different wavelength, yet on a wavelength that I would like to be at.
I went out with DW today for lunch at Mcdonalds. Along the way, and throughout the time spent with him today and the last time I went out with him, we met quite a few people, and I've been questioned quite a few times how he's related to me. I hope people don't come to undesirable conclusions. I personally want to be attached (whether with him or not) because I feel that in this stressful world, a guy is necessary for support and help, and gives a certain kind of support my girlfriends are unable to give, but I don't want to go for a guy just because I'm desperate. I want to find the right guy. This is a little personal, I guess, and I'm at a confused state. I really enjoy being with him, and he's really cool. At least I'm comfortable being with him, which should be the way for friends, and am able to pour my heart and share a few personal things with him. So I guess at this moment before he says anything (I don't want him to either, for fear of awkwardness), I will enjoy our friendship.
Readers of this blog, whether they know me or not, may find me a little too personal here, especially since I talk a lot about the people that matter in my life, and sometimes I don't exactly say non-personal things, but I think that for this to be a accurate rendition of my thoughts and feelings, most of what I'm thinking or feeling should be reflected here.
A few people have been asking me about council. I found out that KZ actually ran for council. Cool! Didn't know that. I think council's fun at the moment, but I still feel somewhat sad about council because of the different standards, and how the school doesn't really appreciate the councillors. I am now caught in the middle of two parties. I'm not yet invested into council so I'm not officially a councillor yet, so I don't really have the 'councillor mentality', if there is any, yet. However, I see things about council now that I interact with the councillors, go into the council room, and spend time with them more, and there are certain things I gather about the councillors. In a way, I can't see the truth yet...whether the councillors are good or not and I'm trying to be good, yet not losing my identity. I'm responsible, but you may think I'm playful as well. I would say not many people can understand me. At this moment, I really appreciate XY and CM for being long-time friends, and I hope that DW and Alanna can be close as well. There's just something about them that I can connect with.
I listened to the choir practising today, and got a little sad when I recalled how I didn't get in besides trying twice for it. Somehow I hate them for not giving me the opportunity. Even though I managed to try out other CCAs and council because I didn't get into choir, I never actually thought I wouldn't make it to choir. If people are questioning my motives for going into council, don't, because I really did run because of my experiences in my guild, but it's true that I wouldn't have considered that outlet if I'd not make it to choir. Somehow I still have this attachment for choir, but I guess I have to just accept it. Perhaps I will actually grow attached to council. I already find myself drifting away from non-council people, mainly because of the different standards.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention, XY's team won the Dragon Boat Race!!! Congratulations XY!!! You rock, gal! Oh yes, and CM, I got DW to draw and elf for you which I will try to show you next time. It's pretty cool. Thanks DW! It really meant quite a bit to me for you to draw that for CM. ;p
Sigh...Geography. I can say that I may be as fond of Geography as DW is fond of Maths. I really hope I'll have the determination to study tonight so that I'll ace tomorrow's test. DW's study method seems to work really well so far, and I think I'll start with Physical Geography first to get me in the mood for studying, since I love Physical Geography. I don't like the idea of failing a test, not to mention a Geography one...and I have a rival to beat in class too.
Avenging Angel spoke on Wednesday, April 17, 2002 07:54 p.m.
This computer is great! I'm feeling a lot better now. Can you believe I just went online for 4 hours?! It was so refreshing...even though most of it was settling work e.g. council, NeoPets, diaries. At least I got most of my work done though. I would have liked to spend more time online (I'm going offline after I type this) but I don't want to push my limits too far. Tomorrow I have an AO Chinese block test, and I'm not studying for it, but I have to start studying at least for my Geography test on Thursday. I want to do well for myself as well as to beat this girl in my class.
I went back to my old school today. It was pretty cool, seeing my favourite teacher and talking with her again. She has a way of making me happy. I can talk to her and joke with her and she remembers me for that. Also, she commented on my fighting spirit after I told her I have to beat this girl in Geography. COOL...and she also gave some suggestions on how to study for my block test in two days...or should I say less than that. Tomorrow I'll be going out with DW for lunch. Should I do some studying? But I know myself...I'm not good when studying with people. I suppose the studying yesterday did my only a little good, but of course, I could have done much better on my own...if I have the discipline. Maybe I could go on my own next time to the reading room. I'm going to school early in the morning for morning briefing (council). Since my paper starts only at 11, I have some time to study by myself. Hopefully that will give me some opportunity to learn up my concepts. Wonder how it'll be like singing the anthem tomorrow since my entire class doesn't take Physics (the morning paper).
I can see why CM is so mad about Only Hope. Or was mad, I should say. I'm mad myself. I've been belting out Only Hope just about everywhere. Downloaded it just now, but just couldn't get the music to come out. DW tried to help me but to no avail. Sigh...
Did a few personality tests and posted them up here. I did some others but couldn't post them as the Tripod's File Manager wasn't working properly. It did that the other time too. Maybe it doesn't want me to spend too much time doing too many personality tests. ;)
Gotta go now. GP was ok...Economics was straightforward and pure memory work but I couldn't remember some things...Maths was wasted because I could do this 14 mark question because I couldn't get past the first part since I forgot the formula. Hopefully the three more days of block tests will go past soon. Amazing how long the week takes to end! Oh yes, and I'm sick. I got an Out of Campus pass today so I didn't have to take AO Chinese lesson later, and just after getting it I found out I didn't even have to take the lesson, and my teacher was shocked that I even came for the previous lessons since I did attend Chinese Culture in the first three months of school and that's considered Chinese lessons. Which means I have to take the block test. Oh well...I was so fed up with myself. And I wasted one OCP too!!!! ARGH.
Avenging Angel spoke on Tuesday, April 16, 2002 06:46 p.m.
My father and brother actually managed to fix my computer. Even though I don't show it, I'm really quite grateful to them. At least now I don't have a fixed time to use the computer, and this computer is fast too. Hopefully when I try downloading when I have time, I won't meet up with errors again. I hope to go on mIRC sometime (it's already downloaded into this computer) and also download nice songs such as Only Hope by Mandy Moore.
The reason I'm typing this now offline is because my brother is scanning some virus on my father's computer, hence making use of the Internet, so while waiting I'd might as well type my overdue diary. Which reminds me that I haven't been reading CM and Alanna's blogs. I've stopped reading [k]'s blog because it's difficult to read. The way I read is I select text and just use my cursor to guide my eyes. A pity [k]'s blog requires me to place my mouse on the arrow to enable the text to move down. I guess it's a little fussy of me, but that's just my preference, and since I don't have much time on hand, I have to just forego his blog, which may be good, since I don't know him personally.
Tomorrow is my GP and Economics block test. Naturally, I'm not worried for GP since the scope of GP is quite diverse, and requires practice. Besides, I have Economics on my hands. I'm getting just a little worried about the block test now that it's getting closer, but I'm still going online later to settle some activities. I can't let my life fall into pieces. Right now I owe the LTF Camp Committee the budget (I'm the Treasurer), and I recently lost this receipt for the Youth Choir (I'm also the Treasurer), and I guess I may have to pay that out of my own pocket. I don't want my choir teacher to get frustrated with me, especially since I've been too busy to come to church and choir for the last 3 weeks, and I've also been one of the more irregular people due to my commitment as a pianist in the Youth Lifers' Worship. Besides that, I also haven't my Grab Bags and Welcomer duties for quite a few weeks and I need to keep up to date with the council e-mails and neomails that are streaming in by the dozens.
It's not the fault of the Student Council, though people think it may be. Right now, I haven't been reading my past entries, so if I have some contradictory ideas, kindly excuse them. I would like to say that all the things I've said here in my blog are true though, so if they're contradictory, it just reflects my different opinions at different points in time. The Student Council is doing fine. I'm making quite a few friends and getting quite a lot of support from both the juniors and the seniors. I never really felt such a part in a CCA before, so I really appreciate being given the opportunity to be in the Student Council. Yesterday, my GP teacher commented during a 1 to 1 GP session we had that I have been quite distracted lately. I guess it may be true, and I'm grateful to her for not pointing out my mistake in front of the whole class, as well as not sending me for CS. I really appreciate this understanding on her part. I'm still debating whether to apologise for this behaviour and for running off for council later too. I guess council may be a sort of barrier between me and a few people, but it does give my friends (as well as I) a new perspective as to what council is really like (by talking with me, and for me, by experiencing it myself) and it gives us things to talk about too. I guess because of my depression, I've been drawn closer to quite a few friends and more able to see their talents through talking with them about council. I feel encouraged that I'm still able to be normal (if not closer) friends with my friends who ran for council but didn't make it.
I've got violin lesson later. Hopefully I'll be able to get through it later. It's strange really, how time can pass so slowly in a half-hour lesson during violin, and yet pass so fast in a 40-minute Maths. lesson. As I really like Maths., I wish that Maths. would be given more tutorial times. I think we need it because we are quite a few topics behind the lectures. My tutor seems to view it as naturally, but I don't really like it because we're covering something in tutorial that we did for lecture a long time ago. Or could it be a sort of revision strategy among the Maths. tutors? I'm still replacing teachers and tutors with each other. I wonder if teacher=tutor and vice-versa.
I need to find a way to manage to cram my Geography into all my days because there are too many notes to study for Geography in one day. I guess I'll just have to manage my time properly. Thankfully there are no council sessions during block test, except for a possible morning briefing on Wednesday, and I end my tests quite early in the morning, leaving me the whole afternoon to study in the conducive environment provided by the school. Hopefully I can study alone though. I don't really concentrate when studying with friends. I guess what's extra important though, is the first day of the examinations. From experience, examinations usually pass very quickly, so I don't really need to worry much, but I need the first day to get me in a studying mood. I hope I can manage to study my Economics today and remember all the facts. My friend also smsed me, indirectly reminding me that I have to study the Essay Skills Handbook for GP, as well as look through some of my essays. However, I'm going to place more emphasis on Economics. Hopefully I can get a decent grade. Block test may be only 15% of the total grade at the end of the year, but I still want to do well.
That's all for now. Hope this day will pass well.
Avenging Angel spoke on Sunday, April 14, 2002 03:33 p.m.
Ok...as you can see. I've been multi-tasking somewhat. I know my plans rarely work, but I hope to do some serious studying tonight. I haven't been studying and I look forward to studying Geography! (Yay, I love Geography!) I need to do some Maths. too because I'm getting rusty. Hopefully I can do these things tonight, especially so that I can look for my teachers if I have any problems. I redid my GP essay and my teacher told me she'd get it marked by Saturday. I really appreciate her effort. I hope I do well for it, because I was quite proud of it. Hopefully I'll do well in the block test. An A may seem a pretty high estimate but there's the saying "Reach for the moon so that if you fall, you fall among the stars". I think it's pretty cool. Hopefully I'll at least get a C? I don't know...just something respectable. I certainly expect something good for Geography.
Hope I'll be able to get some computer work done too. I am waiting for my brother to go off the Internet so that I can use it. I haven't really been online, so I have to try going online, and I also hope I'll have some extra time to try out some of the personality tests CM has been doing, as well as read her journal and Alanna's too. The rest of you who are reading my blog, maybe you should get some online journals, I know a few of you love writing as much as me, if not more. It's most likely I'll eat dinner late again but I guess that can't be helped. My father is back but I hope he won't scream (we're currently having a cold war but I've no time to talk about the details).
Avenging Angel spoke on Thursday, April 11, 2002 07:03 p.m.
I'm in depression again. I previously thought I'd broken out from that but it's still occuring. Sigh...Sometimes I just wish I could die so that I can pull out of my depression for good. So far only 1 person has been satisfactory, or is it that I'm turning into Sylvia Plath? Now that the block tests are coming, those who originally don't care still don't and those who previously cared are either too busy to care, too caught up in their own worlds or having too many problems at hand. This is fully justifiable and I don't blame them but slitting my wrist seems like a great option at the moment, except that I will be letting down everyone (but who are they to say?) and running away from problems...not how I like to face things.
I'm in Economics lecture right now doing something I don't really believe in at this moment...discussing questions (essay). The reasons I don't agree with the system at the moment are a) I am too busy even to prepare my work, b) I understand the concepts but just need self-revision (not teachers' help), and c) how am I going to even studyfor the block tests if I don't have the time? Argh...I wish they would just provide OPTIONAL revision exercises and give everyone a week's break to study. Maybe then they can have 2 weeks of make-up lessons for the second-intakes so that all the make-up lessons aren't cramped into 1 long week of 7.40a.m. to 5.05p.m. days. Besides, how do you cramp 3 months' worth of knowledge into 1 week? Some people just don't THINK, or is it my own big problem again? As if I care though. I don't have the time or energy. But I must say writing really helps relieve anger.
However, I sometimes ust can't stop feeling angry. Some people just act so unreasonably and think they are so clever when they are actually the biggest fools. It's irritating listening to sarcasm from this Economics teacher (not my tutor, nor my lecturer) as well as see my Maths. teacher treat everyone as dumb fools. I just hate it when we are forced to respect and obey teachers who if they were just equals, would be despised and hated to the core... outwardly too. Soemtimes things just aren't fair and the state of moral integrity in people these days is questionable.
It's not that I'm cynical or bitter. It's mainly because I'm busy and can't fulfil all commitments and I'm tired and sick, yet unable to take a day off school. Sigh. Besides, people just irritate me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not irritated with my friends. I don't blame them for not being able to care enough (what is enough anyway?) I'm sure they've tried their best. I'm irritated mostly with teachers, especially the council teachers. They claim we must obey things to the letter (how inflexible of them) and yet they make such glaring mistakes, while scolding us for the most trivial things. Do they take joy in scolding or making people miserable? I think they actually do. Yesterday during the internal presidential elections, they kept interrupting everything, arguing whenever a candidate said anything and just leaving the poor candidate unhappy and everyone with an awkward silence. Can't people express their views about things freely? Everytime I recall what Bianca (she's the senior president) said in one school magazine once about how council gives you an opportunity to make mistakes, I dare to disagree (though fully concious I'm still only a council elect). Such things aren't even considered as mistakes (e.g. being one second late) and after so many punishments, one gets paranoid of making mistakes. Now in everything I do, if I do something wrong, I get an intense fear of getting CS or demerit points. I don't think this is the way. A pity it's sometimes hard for me to say what I really feel. No wonder people think councilors are superhumans. It's not that they are. It's more like they are forced to fit into the mold of being a superhuman.
On to better things though...(sigh...I don't even have time to update my diary so I have to multi-task). I am writing my diary as well as following the lecture now and making notes of certain points. This will give me the alertness and incentive to listen to the lecture as well as allow me to do something else at the same time. Thankfully, this is a revision lecture. If it was a lecture of something new, I might not have been able to concentrate on two things and one go. Besides, I don't have the time to read too many notes so I just read the notes now and try to absorb them, without copying them down. I suppose people will think I'm doing something wrong by not paying full attention, and now question my moral integrity this time, but I have always had a high moral expectation of myself. My conscience is well-trained. I don't make mistakes purposely and if I choose to break the rules, I have my own reasons for doing so so until you understand me, never judge me. So far I haven't found a person who can truly understand me besides myself. Maybe XY can. I'm confiding in DW too and those who read my diary will understand a lot too.
Economics lecture has ended. See everyone soon. Hi XY, CM, DW, SJ and Alanna! Sorry if I forgot anyone else whom I gave this URL to and who have been reading my blog. Thanks for reading. Please e-mail me any comments you may have or just to let me know you've been reading...especially if I've not mentioned your name.
Avenging Angel spoke on Thursday, April 11, 2002 07:02 p.m.
Just got to get everything out. I ran from Reading Period to the computer lab to escape everything and everyone. People are just failing me. Either that or I'm falling apart. That may be good for my studies. I can just sit alone and study the whole day and not bother about anyone else. But wouldn't that make me a machine? If it can produce results, maybe I'm content to be out of relationships, with friends and all.
I'm finding a common ground with certain people. Seems like I'm not the only one with depression. I know at least 4 other people who are depressed too. It's just that sometimes people seem happy when they are actually sad. However, I think that when one is completely sad, she can't even seem happy. Today, my smiles were fake. Totally. I smiled just to accompany a greeting for that one purpose only. I don't feel good. I'm breaking down. So far I've been finding excuses to avoid all my friends, especially the second-intakes, because I'm angry with them. As to whether the anger is justified, I suppose it is, just that I shouldn't blame them because it wasn't in their control either.
I'm still obsessed about the total council thing. Or maybe everyone around me is. Ever since I got into council, things have been a lot more different. I forgot to type that I didn't go to school yesterday because I was in depression. I just wanted to escape from my friends, from work, and just withdraw into myself in my room. The day before (the day of the previous entry), I later talked to XY for quite a while, but as things must always happen, the conversation had to come to an end, even though I didn't want it to, and when it finally did, a sense of loneliness came upon me and I just started crying. I was previously having a few bouts of crying but I just plunged into large-scale crying after that (the sort of crying where you are forced to make a sound because you're crying too hard).
What happens was that my brother came back all happy and then asked me to go down to eat the cake. I was busy on the phone and not in a very good mood too so I told him I was busy and asked them all to eat without me. I felt highly irritated when he later became very sad, slumped his shoulders and left my room. Later, my parents had the insensitivity to keep disturbing me by banging on my room door and not taking the hint that if my door was locked, I had something on. Later, everything just upset me so much, I shouted at everyone who came to disturb me, and started crying, for PY and for CM who left me (not that they wanted to, really, but who just left me). I was irritated at XY, albeit unreasonably so, because she put down the phone when I was in such distress, and she kept talking about this guy that she likes on the surface. I know I should have been better-behaved, but in my almost-breaking-down already state, I didn't appreciate the things she said. I don't think she got the hint though, or if she did, she probably didn't know what to say.
The next night (yesterday night), I cried again. If people know me well, they would have known that I'm extremely sensitive and the mention of council especially makes me uptight somewhat. Maybe it's because I haven't got used to the idea that I've got to be a perfect role model, always doing the right things and behaving well, and having an obligation to everyone else. People always think councillors as high up there, and they never seem to think that they are just normal people like you and me, or maybe you, now that I'm a councillor myself. My mother started scolding me for using too much of the Internet (as if I've got so much time to use the Internet) and then she later said I was a bad daughter, and that if I don't respect my parents why on earth did I join Council? Now, what is the link between respecting parents and joining council? What is the difference between serving the school and serving my parents? I don't know, but although I shouted at her to stop, she refused to, and just kept on insulting me. I was forced to rush out of the room then (because I hate crying in front of people who provoke the crying), and slumped on my bed to cry. I cried very badly. Until now, my parents still don't know that I'm in depression. They think that my headache (that's what I told them for not going to school) was due to sleeping late. I did tell my Civics Tutor that I had a nervous breakdown though. It's a serious breakdown.
I don't want to see the school counsellor any more. There is no point in seeing her. I don't feel comfortable talking to her anymore, ever since I saw her staring at me in that weird way. I have no one really to talk to because everyone has their own problems. I don't want to involve my Civics Tutor too much too because he is my CCA teacher as well, and I'll be seeing a lot more of him. I don't want him to look at me strangely after he discovers what I'm really like.
Anyway, I'm dying from the stress. If only I didn't think of the obligations I have as a person to society, as a daughter to my parents, as a student to my teachers, as a councillor to the school, I would have jumped off the next building I saw.
Avenging Angel spoke on Friday, April 5, 2002 11:37 a.m.
I've just posted up the previous two entries, so if you wonder why there's a small time difference between these three entries, it's because those two were written a few days ago and just stored in my computer. I heard from someone that in order to dial up the Internet properly, one needs to dial up the number with a '6' in front, and yes, when I did that, I did manage to connect to the Internet successfully.
My parents are out. My father hasn't returned home from work yet and my mother is out in my music school purchasing my violin and paying my school fees while doing something else (buying a cake, maybe?). She's buying a cake because my brother just passed his piano examination recently. Good for him. He has never liked piano, and my mother managed to negotiate that as long as he passed his Grade 5 he can stop piano. I bet he will stop piano now. I wonder what he will do in the extra time.
I went to see the school counsellor today. She was quite helpful, for the main reason that I could express all my problems out. I just don't see myself as a person to make mistakes. I sometimes can't accept the fact that I am unable to do some things. This is what makes me unable to drop certain commitments and also difficult to accept failures and inability to finish homework. I forgot to bring my English Literature file today. I felt upset that I didn't behave as politely as I would like to have behaved in front of my Economics teacher. I am not happy that I didn't manage to do my Mathematics tutorial. I hope to do my Mathematics tutorial tonight and maybe start on my Geography notes. I skipped Geography tutorial today to see the school counsellor because I would otherwise not have time, and she was also free during the first two periods. I didn't want to go to Geography, for the main reasons that I didn't do my tutorial, knew nothing about Geography, and hate this girl in my class. After school, I saw her in the Reading Room, having some tuition-looking session with my Physical Geography teacher. Where does she find so many questions to ask? I am irritated, but maybe I shouldn't care too much about what others think.
I was offended today when XW (this guy in my class) sat with me for lunch. I think I was also frustrated because for some reason I just couldn't eat properly. My food kept slipping off my fork and I couldn't even use my fork to pierce the french fries properly. Anyway, XW asked me about council (why is everyone asking me about that?) and he later commented that I've been neglecting the class. Then, he talked about being a second-intaker. I agree that my JC doesn't do much for the second-intakers, but to say that I have been neglecting the class makes me want to neglect the class even more since I have been trying so hard and yet am not appreciated for my efforts. Besides that, I hate it when people keep telling me that council will interfere in everything. I tried very hard to make the second-intakers feel welcome. I tried to mix with them, make them feel comfortable, sit with them, do projects with them, help them in their work, talk to them, eat with them, not turn away from them, and I even lent them my notes, which resulted in I having to arrange my files properly. If there was a list of people who neglected the class, I would be one of the last on it. I don't know why I feel so angry with XW for saying this. Maybe it's because I already have so little time for myself, and besides, I didn't come to JC to socialise. I have my own problems, and they're making me break down (I cried a lot last night, and I'm crying a lot nowadays, even in school). If he doesn't notice that, the least he could do was to not mention such things around me and imply that I'm not putting in effort. There is nothing I can do about not being together with the class, and I hate it when people say they never understand why I joined council. I put in a lot of effort for council, and so did my friends, and I experienced a lot of problems because of council too, and besides, the faculty voted me in. There is a lot of obligation to myself and to the faculty to stay in council! So stop pressurizing me to quit council, all of you! I'm fed up!!!
I don't know what's the whole idea of a councillor. I've changed quite a bit since running for council. I've stopped eating in class, and I'm more conscious about obeying the school rules, and keeping up a good image. But sometimes, I just wish I could let my hair down and be a normal person. A councillor is not high up there, she's just someone who plans for activities and who represents the student body. Am I contradicting myself? I don't know. I'm just so tired of this whole thing. Every day I'm reminded that I'm a councillor, and while I'm proud to be one, I don't like the side effects. Sometimes people just don't think about what they are doing, and what they are saying. One CS session will land me in big trouble with the council, for instance, and I'm still fed up with the fact that I don't have enough time to settle my own work, let alone deal with people.
Talked to DW today. He's a guy in ELDDFS, my second CCA, and in the Lit. Wing. We're doing cover design for Literarti together. Today, we stayed back after school to brainstorm for ideas. I think he's really smart, and a thinker, which I do admire. And he's also not boring like some smart people. I felt really uneasy about revealing so much to him though since I barely know him, and already I'm telling him things that only the closest friends know. I wonder why I felt so open. Maybe it was because I needed an outlet to vent my frustrations, because today was a horrible day. He's a Christian, and quite a staunch one, I think. There were some points he said today about God that made sense, but a part of me doesn't want to accept God as of yet. For someone who's quite active in the church, being angry with God is a bit weird, and quite uncomprehensible, I believe, with other Christians. I don't know if I'm turning my back on my God and my religion. But I'm too busy anyway. Later, I shall try to finish up some NeoPets and online business, call XY and start on my work. I feel like relaxing a little tonight. I haven't been well, and I feel quite exhausted.
Avenging Angel spoke on Wednesday, April 3, 2002 08:09 p.m.
I haven't talked about my outing with CM yet, so I should talk about it now before I forget. I've got a lot of things on my mind, in fact, I've got so many things on my mind that I'm sometimes drifting off in class because I'm thinking about something else. I'm so busy I can't even lead a normal life. I don't know if I want to lead a normal life, but lately the only things I really say are 'I don't know' and 'I'm too busy'. Even today when XY asked me if I'd read yesterday's Sunday Times, I said that I was too busy to read anything. And true it is.
Anyway, I had quite a great Easter with CM, the first Easter I've ever had with her, and a great one too. I truly enjoyed her company. I'm really appreciating those two great friends that I have. Anyway, the choir singing was really cool. Because the Easter song was a great song, and well-arranged, and furthermore sung by the combined choirs of the church (the service and youth choirs), instead of just sung by one choir, the sound was more prominent. As I didn't come for the last two choir practices, I didn't really know the song as well as I could have, and the choir session just before the presentation was a little disastrous for me. I sometimes missed out on singing my Soprano 1 note (and sang Sop. 2 instead), and sometimes I even accidentally moved to the alto line. Yes, it's not very surprising. Besides that, there was a part where only the service choir was to sing, so that when the youth choir joined in later, there would be a greater contrast. Unfortunately, I was dreaming and forgot, so much so that my voice came out so that I could hear, since the people standing next to me weren't singing. It was not very pleasant to make all these mistakes, and I did feel my face going red. Even later during the presentation itself, I realised that when I rearranged my music pages just before the presentation, I put one page in on another leaf of paper, and didn't realise it. I got so shocked it must have shown on my face but thankfully I managed to recall what the lyrics of the song were for that part.
Later, I was quite disappointed when I waited for CM but she didn't show up. Turns out that she had overslept, which got me quite disappointed because I was hoping that someone would hear and appreciate the beautiful music. I was further disappointed when all my friends disappeared and one of my best church friends even went home without even talking to me. I guess sometimes people do disappoint you. It was quite tough, and the rain made everything more miserable, but I managed to have quite a good breakfast, and a nice chat with Hannah and Andrew. Unfortunately I had to wait quite a long time for CM to come, but I guess it was worth it, because we later had a cool afternoon.
It was nice going out with CM. We went to Lido to get the tickets and then took a nice lunch at Long John Silver's. After that, we went to walk up and down the streets. I feel that all these outings are not about the places you go to, but the people you go with. You can just be walking up and down the street and yet have a great time because you're being with a person you like being with. Of course, Orchard has quite a great landscape, at least to me, so everything just seemed a little better. Anyway, we didn't have really much time to walk around, because after that we had to go for the show and after the show I had to rush off to my violin lesson. (CM, please remind me if I've missed anything out. Thanks!)
The Body is a nice show but I don't think CM really enjoyed it because I don't think she really understood the importance of certain images. I think they could have done a better job about explaining certain things found in the Bible, because only people with a background knowledge of the crucifixion (and quite a detailed knowledge) would appreciate the show. I was yawning during some parts of the show, and I think it was because I'm so busy I was tired (Andrew actually said I have eye bags!!! Yikes!!!) and also because the show was a little long. Turns out that the body was actually not the body of Christ (duh...because it would offend a lot of people if they made a movie that had Jesus not rising from the dead). We thought it would be appropriate to watch the movie during Easter. I maintain I enjoyed the show, but from an objective point of view, it was not a very interesting show. Seems strange that I would only watch a Christian show but not a Muslim show or a show of another religion, while normal people, maybe Buddhist, Taoist, or some other religion) don't mind seeing either. I wonder why. Perhaps to certain people, the world is made up of different religions, but to others, the world is made up of only two religions, i.e. you are either a Christian, or a non-Christian.
I don't know if it's safe for some things I've said here. I don't mean any harm. I'm just expressing my thoughts but I don't really put them into action. What can these intangible thoughts do? I don't know... (there's that nice phrase again) Whatever happens will happen. I had an ok violin lesson, but knowing my current standing with guys, I don't really like my violin teacher because (1) he's a guy, (2) he's awkward (probably because he's a guy). I will get my violin and new music book soon. The violin certinaly sounds good. My violin teacher tried to make some conversation with me, but I only briefly answered him, and concentrated on asking questions pertaining to the violin. Especially during a 1/2 hour lesson, I have no time (there's anohter nice phrase again) to chat. I am going to make full use of my time, even though some people may not think so, and do whatever I intend to do. I intend to do so well at violin, I will take Grade 8 in no time. You don't expect me to spend another 8 years learning the violin, do you? I hope to at most make it within 4 years...2 grades a year. I've got not a lot of time and energy.
Anyway, I'm probably going to go to bathe now and then maybe read. I have a GP project to do but I don't feel like doing it yet. I may just write out something on paper. I prefer that anyway, or waking up early in the morning. We have to meet outside the Student Lounge tomorrow at 7.25am. What stupidity. But anyway, I can't be late, so I won't, and I will try to act like what I'm not. I'm going to be responsible, like I already am, but in addition to that, I'm going to act like I'm in full support to the council, even though I'm not, and just be loyal. Sometimes you just can't make it in life unless you follow certain guidelines, which I think are actually quite useless and stifling. Anyway, enough of that. I'm going to my room now. Hopefully I'll have enough time later to post this. I hate it when the Internet doesn't work just when you need it. Can't it not work at 12am? But isn't that selfish considering there will be other people using the Internet then? But anyway, who cares? No one really cares now about anything, do they? So why should I?
Avenging Angel spoke on Wednesday, April 3, 2002 08:09 p.m.
Despite 5 dial attempts, I'm still not able to connect to the Internet and I'm getting quite irritated, so I decided to make some use of my waiting time here and type out another entry. As if I've got so much time to keep typing entries. I know some of my friends (especially my two best friends) are feeling certain stresses at the moment, and certain disappointments as well, and they may consider my present situation in life quite lucky and worth rejoicing about, but I am still going to continue writing down my inner thoughts here. I think I've got a serious psychiatric problem.
So far, it is only XY who knows the fullest of my thoughts. CM knows somewhat, but since I don't really talk about this to her, she gets most of her knowledge from this website, which is more than enough dose of depression actually. XY is trying to understand, I guess, and I do appreciate it, but I don't foresee another human being actually being able to understand fully what I'm comprehending. And if God does, well, I don't think very highly of God at the moment. I may be blaspheming somewhat here, but I just don't appreciate the things he's done to me recently, and some other plans he's made about life in general. I know my Sunday School teacher said that if I'm not happy with certain things he's done, then I could just jolly well go to another planet and create my own world there. Well, that's what I just might do, if I only had the opportunity. I just don't like the way things are run, in the world, in school, and in council. I don't like a lot of things. I don't have time for many things too. I don't appreciate people being mean and delays like my 9 failed dialed attempts. As I say, as if I've got so much time. Maybe I'm just suddenly so paranoid about the whole time issue.
I had abdominal pains just now, but I didn't tell XY. Not because I didn't want to, it's just that we were quite busy talking about things. Anyway, they've stopped now. I don't know if it's menstrual cramps, because I don't know anything about such things, and I haven't had my monthly thing. I don't know if there's a growth in my stomach and frankly, I don't care at the moment. If I had the courage, I could have just slit my wrist and ended my life here and now. As I was walking home in a bit of pain, I was thinking about God and how he failed me yet again. First, he didn't allow me to get into choir, even though that was the little I'd asked. Then, when I tried a second time, I still didn't get in. I'm going to try a third and last time. If I don't get in again, I don't know what to think. Sigh...I don't look forward to council, and I don't look forward to seeing my CT tutor. I heard from my friends that he's behaving strangely lately, that he's been somewhat cold to the 2nd-intakers and that he actually raised his voice at my CT rep and assistant CT rep. I really admire my two CT reps. I think they're great CT reps, although they wouldn't have shone had they not been given this opportunity. I'm upset that someone actually dared to do something so mean to my friends. What's more, I asked him a very important question through sms and he didn't even answer. I don't care if I liked him before or not, I hate him at this moment and if I'd just allowed my feelings to seep through, I could just as well have kicked him and thrown something at him. What a jerk all men are! I'm surprised at myself I actually harboured the hope that he was different. They never are. They fail me time and again.
I don't have very high standards. I just demand some basic courtesy. It's ironic that the people who are the rudest are usually the people with the greatest power. Discipline mistresses are always cruel, and so are teachers in general. Of course, there are some exceptions, but the bulk of teachers are cruel, I believe. As for the councillors, whom the student body voted into office, they are such hypocrites! They pretend to be nice, but at moments, they just show their real feelings and start snapping away. Even when they talk to us new council-elects, they don't even bother to be civil. I can't stand these people. They're scorning the base degrees on which they did climb up to power. I hope never to be like these people. I hate them! Why am I even in council? Sigh...
I should go talk to a teacher soon, preferably a teacher counsellor. I'm feeling upset and things need to be sorted out. I didn't see my CT tutor today, because by the time I finished doing some HTML editing to this website, it was 4.25pm and I had to leave to meet XY. Surprisingly, she was late, but she's such a good friend that I don't really get angry with her, or even if I do, it's something minor and I overlook it easily. I guess that's the way with XY and CM. They're such great friends and I appreciate them so much. I just hope that they will never fail me, or even if they do, that I'll be able to bear it, because if even these two people who know my deepest secrets don't act civilly, I don't know what I'm going to do. As I said, my expectations aren't high. It takes little to please me, but it takes a lot to win my confidence and enable me to trust in them the way I do now. They're really gifts from God. Thank you, XY and CM. :)
Wonder why I even mentioned God since I'm on a war with him at the moment. It's quite ironic that I'm on a war with God because I'll never win. After all, he is God. I'm not an atheist, I'm just a rebel. I don't mind being on par with others, or having others a little better than me (e.g. PY is a lot cleverer than me). It's only when someone exerts his superiority in such dramatic ways e.g. Don't obey me and you will be sent to eternal damnation, then I say that's pushing it too far. How can you say you're fair when you're acting like this. For goodness sake, have some conscience. And if you can give me a conscience that thinks like this, why can't you just be like this? What's your motive for making me think these things? I just can't stand people who give their whole lives to God selflessly. I don't believe in the word selflessly. I know I would do a lot for XY and CM, and a few of my other friends. But I don't think this relates to what I'm saying previously. I don't believe someone should be obliged to another. (Oh, by the way, XY, thanks for reminding me that I owe you money. I actually forgot) I don't like seeing people being rescued and then telling their benefactors that they will be their servants for life. I just don't like it that one action can change your future so much. I don't know. Friends, possible, but definitely not one below the other. All men were created equal and supposed to be equal. I wish in life there was some fairness for once. Some people are just overly-talented and others are given so little in life.
My block test will be from the 14th to 19th of this month. I haven't studied but I will and I hope that I will do well. Since this stupid computer isn't responding to this Internet dial-up, I will have no choice but to finish up this diary entry and later go off to do some reading. As I said, I have no time to waste. I have to do a GP project too. Hopefully I will manage to do most of what I've set out to do. Perhaps tonight I will finish Memoirs of a Geisha. I want to start on Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone tomorrow and finish it soon so that I can return CM all the books she's kindly lend me (and hopefully borrow more) and start on the Sylvia Plath-related books I've borrowed from the National library. I admire Plath and view her as a role model. Somehow I'm fascinated with this concept of death and misery, and I think this emotional stress is a small price to pay for being able to see into a life of death and misery, and to be more cynical about things in general. Part of me doesn't want to clear this psychosis but another part of me hopes to get rid of all these things. I don't know what to tell a counsellor though. There is so much to say. She should actually come to my web URL and read everything I'm saying, and also maybe look a bit at my personality disorder test to see what really is the matter with me. I just get the feeling no one will ever truly understand what I'm feeling, and when I look at certain people I know in real life e.g. Andrew, Rachel, and a few other friends I'm quite friendly with in church and school, I feel so distant from them. It's as if they live in another world. I feel a little that not being able to see my point of view results in one having a shallow view of the world. This can't be helped. I guess I sympathise a bit with this girl who was running for council who got jeered at because she said that the school uniform was terrible. I suppose she said the wrong thing but then again she was only saying things from her point of view. I suppose they should have respected her point of view. Maybe they just didn't vote her in because they didn't like her. That's something that I feel too...that you have to be normal just to succeed. Why can't you be weird and accepted? Sometimes people call me weird, and I laugh jokingly with them, but sometimes when I'm feeling down, all these jokes get back to me and result in me being very hurt.
Oh well...I don't know when I will finish this depression. Tomorrow, the whole class will probably go out to watch Ice Age. I think it's worth the money to spend time with my class, even though I'm already very broke and trying to save money. Today I saw XY eat a nice salmon puff at Coffee Bean, and I really felt like having some, but I decided not to because I'm saving up. I don't really have much cash, and already I've spent .50 (The Body, which I watched with CM), .60 (lunch, something already cheap), .50 (lunch today, another really scrimping buy), (this is scary, it's the locker rental fee), (an Ultimate Ice-Blended with XY today). As you can see, I'm nearly spending all that's necessary. Oh yes, I bought a glue stick too for .30 today. But I'm not being too extravagant on myself. I'm just spending enough money to look ok in front of my friends and give them a great time (because a lunch is meant to be shared, and not me watching them eat or drink) and I think it's worth spending money to catch a movie with friends and share food with them. It's just that...sometimes money's not enough and I wonder why. Maybe I shouldn't wonder anymore. After all, what is there to wonder? Even life itself is a joke.
Avenging Angel spoke on Wednesday, April 3, 2002 08:08 p.m.
I'm now in the school library typing up this. Actually, we're supposed to be having Practical Criticism right now, but since the teacher had something to tell the second-intakers, the first-intakers were sent to the library to do a poem project, which involves us choosing a poem and then telling the class about it next week.
By the way, I've just archived the past month's entries so you know to click on the link on the right bar to look at them. I'm in a rather sad mood now as usual, because of what just happened, so I decided to type up this entry first before I go search up some great poems to do. I might probably try some poem guidebooks since I'm not a very good poem analyst. But then again, I don't even know what to analyse about the poems. I recall paying only half attention but I still think I got all that I need to know. I'll clarify this with my classmates later. Meanwhile, they're all sinning by staying at the class bench or going home, and I am in the library acting like a good girl.
Am I a good girl? I should think that I have a certain sense of righteousness and a well-groomed conscience. But the events of the past few weeks have got me thinking. Just this morning, so many people congratulated me on being elected to council, and some even said they knew I would get in. I am quite touched that my class supports me so much, and that everyone seems to know I'm in council all of a sudden, including my GP tutor. I just feel very uneasy about the whole thing though. On one hand, I readily accept all congratulations, and on the other hand, I wonder if it's anything to be happy about. You may recall my saying that the council orientation was not particularly satisfactory, although there was nothing they could do about it except be nicer. They shouted at us again this morning, and tomorrow we are expected to report to school at 7.25am sharp. It should be quite easy for me to obey the rules, considering that I always do, with the exception of certain ones here and there e.g. eating sweets in class and skipping occasional lessons.
But now it seems a whole lot is expected of me. I'm no longer subject to my own conscience. In fact, I'm in this whole regime where I am compelled to obey the rules because of fear. Don't be one second late or you get five points. Get a CS session because some teacher didn't see your point of view and immediately you get loads of uncountable points that make your council record look bad. Is council military? I understand that a councillor has to set a good example, and my friends do have certain expectations of me. I am able to do this with ease, but it hurts me that no one is perfect and that I have to face the consequences of certain mistakes which I didn't mean to make, and hence feel that I shouldn't be punished for.
There's a tinge of sadness in my class. As much as I've ended early and want to meet XY, who ended even earlier than me, I cannot, and while the others can, I am forced to stay here. It's not that I hate the library. It's not that I hate looking up on a poem. I don't mind. But I can do it at home. It's not that I'm trying to skip this particular lesson. It's just that it's more efficient if I do it at home, and I can spend more quality time with my friend. Lately, I've realised that my outlook in life has all changed. I am no longer just a simple little girl, happy-go-lucky, following where the tide leads me. I rebel, I go against the tide, and I hate conformity. However, as much as I hate it, I am under a system that is difficult to overthrow, because I am one girl. And because people have this set idea of councillors, I have to conform to it. I realise that they are supposed to be role models for the school, but I don't want to appear as being too saintly. I hate such people. Surprisingly, councillors never seemed that way until I actually participated in their activity. Of course, I'm not going to quit council, because I've been elected in and everyone has high expectations of me. I will do my best to live up to their requirements. I'm just afraid that one day I will break down from all the pressure and just slit my wrist. Yesterday, I was thinking of the many ways to die. Perhaps flying off the roof is quite cool, and slitting my wrist could also give me this strange pain which is bearable, at least more bearable than my present suffering, because at least it's tangible, while my suffering is not, and not understood.
This may very well be a last letter before I die. I feel too sad to do much really but there are certain things in life I don't want to experience. So they say I'm too young to die? I'm too young to live. I don't want to experience a whole life of suffering. And yet, although ignorance is bliss, I don't want to experience a whole life of being distant from the pain around you either. I really don't care sometimes. You know they say that suicidals are stupid and irresponsible, especially when there are so many people around fighting for a chance to live. I don't know. As I said, it's hard to say for sure, and I believe I have every right to die, just like I have every right to live. I don't know...Sigh...maybe I'm really warped. I don't want to listen to trauma or soothing words. I just want to put everything behind me and cry?
CM wants to appeal back in. I hope she still can, because I think more people are coming in to our class. We're expecting two more people, and one girl just left. I want to do as much for her as I can but I don't know where to start, and I don't know if my CT tutor will help. People are saying he's behaving a whole deal stranger and is getting colder and more hurtful. If he dares to say anything to me at the moment, I don't know if I'll just stand there and start crying. I can't stand such insensitive people. Maybe I'm being insensitive too, making a mountain out of a molehill. I just can't see things straight and yet I find a kick in all of this. I don't know. I'm turning into a latter-day Sylvia Plath, and my family doesn't know or care. See what I mean? The things that matter to you most sometimes don't value you. You don't matter at all to them, do you? Only after you die does your family repent and then start to be nice to you over your dead body, and the bystanders who don't know a thing about this whole thing start spreading things that you are so irresponsible for dying. Perhaps you are responsible for dying. I mean, so what if they gave life to you? Do you have to be indebted to them forever? What if they didn't even care enough to support you? Maybe I'll sustain my emotions just for when I meet XY and then go home and cry. God knows I'm going to cry now. Maybe I should go and see my CT tutor to talk about CM's appeal first and enquire about what I can do. I hope I don't say the wrong things and neither does he. If he's not there, I'll come back to the library. If not, then...I don't know if my teacher is going to check on me, but I really was in the library. And from what I managed to churn out on my blog, he can see for certain that I was here. I told my friend today that I believe teachers understand, or try to understand. I hope I'm right.
Avenging Angel spoke on Monday, April 1, 2002 03:41 p.m.
